Patrick Bateman is handsome, well educated, intelligent.  He works by day on Wall Street, earning a fortune to complement the one he was born with.  His nights he spends in ways we cannot begin to fathom. He is 26 years old and living his own American Dream. American Psycho is set in a world (Manhattan) and an era (the 80s) recognizably our own.  The wealthy elite grows infinitely wealthier, the poor and disturbed are turned out onto the streets by the tens of thousands, and anything, including the worst, seems possible.  Even so, Bateman, who expresses his true self by torture and murder, prefigures an apolcalyptic horror that no society could bear to confront.  And he remains, in the end, at large.  This is not an exit. There are some formatting problems unfortunately, but for the most part it is in tact.

Fast forward to the chapters

April Fools
Morning
Harry's
Pastels

April Fools

ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE is scrawled in blood red lettering on the side of the Chemical Bank near the corner of Eleventh and First and is in print large enough to be seen from the backseat of the cab as it lurches forward in the traffic leaving Wall Street and just as Timothy Price notices the words a bus pulls up, the advertisement for Les Miserables on its side blocking his view, but Price who is with Pierce & Pierce and twenty-six doesn’t seem to care because he tells the driver he will give him five dollars to turn up the radio, "Be My Baby" on WYNN, and the driver, black, not American, does so.

"I’m resourceful," Price is saying. "I’m creative, I’m young, unscrupulous, highly motivated, highly skilled. In essence what I’m saying is that society cannot afford to lose me. I’m an asset." Price calms down, continues to stare out the cab’s dirty window, probably at the word FEAR sprayed in red graffiti on the side of a McDonald’s on Fourth and Seventh. ‘I mean the fact remains that no one gives a shit about their work, everybody hates their job, I hate my job, you’ve told me you hate yours. What do I do? Go back to Los Angeles? Not an alternative. I didn’t transfer from UCLA to Stanford to put up with this. I mean am I alone in thinking we’re not making enough money?" Like in a movie another bus appears, another poster for Les Miserables replaces the word,.not the same bus because someone has written the word DYKE over Eponine’s face. Tim blurts out, "I have a co-op here. I have a place in the Hamptons, for Christ sakes."

"Parents’, guy. it’s the parents’."

"I’m buying it from them. Will you fucking turn this up?" he snaps but distractedly at the driver, the Crystals still blaring from the radio.

"It don’t go up no higher," maybe the driver says.

Timothy ignores him and irritably continues. "I could stay livng in this city if they just installed Blaupunkts in the cabs, Maybe the 0DM III or ORG II dynamic tuning systems?" His voice softens here. "Either one. I-lip my friend, very hip."

He takes off the expensive-looking Walkman from around his neck, still complaining "I hate to complain—I really do-.— about the trash, the garbage, the disease, about how filthy this city really is and you know and I know that it is a sty...." He continues talking as he opens his new Tumi calfskin attache case he bought at D. F. Sanders. He places the Walkman in the case alongside a Panasonic wallet-size cordless portable folding Easa-phone (he used to own the NEC 9000 Porta portable) and pulls out today’s newspaper. "in one issue—in one issue—let’s see here.. . strangled models, babies thrown from tenement rooftops, kids killed in the subway, a Communist rally, Mafia boss wiped out, Nazis" --he flips through the pages excitedly. baseball players with AIDS, more Mafia shit, gridlock, the homeless, various maniacs, faggots dropping like flies in the streets, surrogate mothers, the cancellation of a soap opera; kids who broke into a zoo and tortured and burned various animals alive, more Nazis. and the joke is, the punch line is, it’s all in this city—nowhere else, just here, it sucks, whoa wait, more Nazis, gridlock gridlock, baby-sellers, black-market babies, AIDS babies, baby junkies, building collapses on baby, maniac
....baby, gridlock, bridge collapses" His voice stops, he takes in a breath and then quietly says, his eyes fixed on a beggar at the corner of Second and Fifth, "That’s the twenty-fourth one I’ve seen today. I’ve kept count." Then asks without looking over, "Why aren’t you wearing the worsted navy blue blazer with the gray pants?" Price is wearing a six-button wool and silk suit by Ermenegildo Zegna, a cotton shirt with French cuffs by Ike Behar, a Ralph Lauren silk tie and leather wing tips by Fratelli Rossetti. Pan down to the Post. There is a moderately interesting story concerning two people who disappeared at a party aboard the yacht of a semi-noted New York socialite while the boat was circling the island. A residue of spattered blood and three smashed champagne glasses are the only clues. Foul play is suspected and police think that perhaps a machete was the killer’s weapon because of certain grooves and indentations found on the deck. No bodies have been found. There are no suspects. Price began his spiel today over lunch and then brought it up again during the squash game and continued ranting over drinks at Harrys where he had gone on, over three J&Bs and water, much more interestingly about the Fisher account that Paul Owen is handling. Price will not shut up.

"Diseases!" he exclaims, his face tense with pain. "There’s this theory out now that if you can catch the AIDS virus through having sex with someone who is infected then you can also catch anything, whether it’s a virus per se or not—Alzheimer’s, muscular dystrophy, hemophilia, leukemia, anorexia, diabetes, cancer, multiple sclerosis, cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy, dyslexia, for Christ sakes—you can get dyslexia from pussy—"

"I’m not sure, guy, but I don’t think dyslexia is a virus.

"Oh, who knows? They don’t know that. Prove it."
Outside this cab, on the sidewalks, black and bloated pigeons fight over scraps of hot dogs in front of a Gray’s Papaya while transvestites idly look on and a police car cruises silently the wrong way down a one-way street and the sky is low and gray and in a cab that’s stopped in traffic across from this one, a guy who looks a lot like Luis Carruthers waves over at Timothy and when Timothy doesn’t return the wave the guy— slicked-back hair, suspenders, horn-rimmed glasses—realizes it’s not who he thought it was and looks back at his copy of USA Today. Panning down to the sidewalk there’s an ugly old homeless bag lady holding a whip and she cracks it at the pigeons who ignore it as they continue to peck and fight hungrily over the remains of the hot dogs and the police car disappears into an underground parking lot.

"But then, when you’ve just come to the point when your reaction to the times is one of total and sheer acceptance, when your body has become somehow tuned into the insanity and you reach that point where it all makes sense, when it clicks, we get some crazy fucking homeless nigger who actually wants— listen to me, Bateman--wants to be out on the streets, this, those streets, see, those"—he points-"and we have a mayor who won’t listen to her, a mayor who won’t let the bitch have her way—Holy Christ—let the fucking bitch freeze to death, put her out of her own goddamn self-made misery, and look, you’re back where you started, confused, fucked.. . Number twenty-four, nope, twenty-five... Who’s going to be at Evelyn’s? Wait, let me guess." He holds up a hand attached to an impeccable manicure. "Ashley, Courtney, Muldwyn, Marina, Charles.am I right so far? Maybe one of Evelyn’s ‘artiste’ friends from ohmygod the ‘East’ Village. You know the type— the ones who ask Evelyn if she has a nice dry white chardonnay—" He slaps a hand over his forehead and shuts his eyes and now he mutters, jaw clenched,

"I’m leaving. I’m dumping Meredith. She’s essentially daring me to like her. I’m gone. Why did it take me so long to realize that she has all the personality of a goddamn game-show host? - . . Twenty-six, twenty-seven. . . I mean I tell her I’m sensitive. I told her I was freaked out by the Challenger accident.....what more does she want? I’m ethical, tolerant, I mean I’m extremely satisfied with my life, I’m optimistic about the future—i mean, aren’t you?"

"Sure, but—"

"And all I get is slid from her.,.. Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, holy shit it’s a goddamn cluster of bums. I tell you—" I-he stops suddenly, as if exhausted and turning away from another advertisement for Les Miserables, remembering something important, asks, "Did you read about the host from that game show on TV? tie killed two teenage boys? Depraved faggot. Droll, really droll." Price waits for a reaction. There is none.

Suddenly: Upper West Side.
He tells the driver to stop on the corner of Eighty-first and Riverside since the street doesn’t go the right way.

"Don’t bother going arou—" Price begins.

"Maybe I go other way around," the cabdriver says,

 "Do not bother." Then barely an aside, teeth gritted, unsmiling: "Fucking nitwit."
The driver brings the cab to a stop. Two cabs behind this cab both blare their horns then move on.

"Should we bring flowers?"

"Nah. Hell, you’re banging her, Bateman. Why should we get Evelyn flowers? You better have change for a fifty," he warns the driver, squinting at the red numbers on the meter. "Damnit. Steroids. Sorry I’m tense."

"Thought you were off them."

"I was getting acne on my legs and arms and the UVA bath wasn’t fixing it, so I started going to a tanning salon instead and got rid of it. Jesus, Bateman, you should see how ripped my stomach is. The definition. Completely buffed out. . . ," he says in a distant, odd way, while waiting for the driver to hand him the change.

"Ripped." He stiffs the driver on the tip but the driver is genuinely thankful anyway. "So long, Shlomo," Price winks.

"Damn, damn, damned," Price says as he opens the door. Coming out of the cab he eyes a beggar on the street—"Bingo: thirty "—wearing some sort of weird, tacky, filthy green jumpsuit, unshaven, dirty hair greased back, and jokingly Price holds the cab’s door open for him. The bum, confused and mumbling, eyes locked shamefully on the pavement, holds an empty Styrofoam coffee cup out to us, clutched in a tentative hand.

"I suppose he doesn’t want the cab," Price snickers, slamming the cab door. "Ask him if he takes American Express."

"Do you take Am Ex?"
The bum nods yes and moves away, shuffling slowly.

It’s cold for April and Price walks briskly down the street toward Evelyn’s brownstone, whistling "If I Were a Rich Man," the heat from his mouth creating smoky plumes of steam, and swinging his Tumi leather attach6 case. A figure with slicked-back hair and horn-rimmed glasses approaches in the distance, wearing a beige double-breasted wool-gabardine Cerruti 1881 suit and carrying the same Tumi leather attach6 case from D. F. Sanders that Price has, and Timothy wonders aloud,

"Is it Victor Powell? It can’t be."
The man passes under the fluorescent glare of a streetlamp with a troubled look on his face that momentarily curls his lips into a slight smile and he glances at Price almost as if they were acquainted but just as quickly he realizes that he doesn’t know Price and just as quickly Price realizes it’s not Victor Powell and the man moves on.

"Thank god," Price mutters as he nears Evelyn’s.

"It looked a lot like him."

"Powell and dinner at Evelyn’s? These two go together about as well as paisley and plaid." Price rethinks this. "White socks with gray trousers."

A slow dissolve and Price is bounding up the steps outside the brownstone Evelyn’s father bought her, grumbling about how he forgot ~o return the tapes he rented last night to Video Haven. He rings the bell. At the brownstone next to Evelyn’s, a woman—high heels, great ass—leaves without locking her door. Price follows her with his gaze and when he hears footsteps from inside coming down the hallway toward us he turns around and straightens his Versace tie ready to face whoever. Courtney opens the door and she’s wearing a Krizia cream silk blouse, a Krizia rust tweed skirt and silk-satin d’Orsay pumps from Manolo Blahnik.
I shiver and hand her my black wool Giorgio Armani overcoat and she takes it from me, carefully airkissing my right cheek, then she performs the same exact movements on Price while taking his Armani overcoat. The new Talking Heads on .CD plays softly in the living room.

"A bit late, aren’t we, boys?" Courtney asks, smiling naughtily.

"Inept Haitian cabbie," Price mutters, airkissing Courtney back. ~‘Do we have reservations somewhere and please don’t tell me Pastels at nine."
Courtney smiles, hanging up both coats in the hal! closet. "Eating in tonight, darlings. I’m sorry, I know, I know, I tried to talk Evelyn out of it but we’re having. . sushi."
Tim moves past her and down the foyer toward the kitchen. ~Evelyn? Where are you, Evelyn?" he calls out in a singsong voice. "We have to talk."

"It’s good to see you," I tell Courtney. "You look very pretty tonight. Your face has a. . .youthful glow."

‘You really know how to charm the ladies, Bateman." There is no sarcasm in Courtney’s voice. "Should I tell Evelyn you feel this way?’ she asks flirtatiously.

‘No," I say. "But I bet you’d tike to."

"Come on," she says, taking my hands off her waist and placing her hands on my shoulders, steering me down the hail in the direction of the kitchen. ‘We have to save Evelyn. She’s been rearranging the sushi for the past hour. She’s trying to spell your initials—the P in yellowtail, the B in tuna—but she thinks the tuna looks too pale—"

"flow romantic."

"—and she doesn’t have enough yellowtail to finish the B "~Courtney breathes in—’and so I think she’s going to spell Tim’s initials instead. Do you mind?" she asks, only a bit worried. Courtney is Luis Carruthers’ girlfriend.

‘I’m terribly jealous and I think I better talk to Evelyn," I say, letting Courtney gently push me into the kitchen.
Evelyn stands by a blond wood counter wearing a Krizia cream silk blouse, a Krizia rust tweed skirt and the same pair of silk-satin d’Orsay pumps Courtney has on. Her long blond hair is pinned back into a rather severe-looking bun and she acknowledges me without looking up from the oval Wilton stainless-Steel platter on which she has artfully arranged the sushi. "Oh honey, I’m sorry. I wanted to go to this darling little new Salvadorian bistro on the Lower East Side—"
Price groans audibly.

‘—but we couldn’t get reservations. Timothy, don’t groan ." She picks up a piece of the yellowtail and places it cautiously near the top of the platter, completing what looks like a capital T. She stands back from the platter and inspects it. ‘I don’t know. Oh, Fm so unsure."

"I told you to keep Finlandia in this place,’ Tim mutters, looking through the bottles—most of them magnums—at the bar. "She never has Finlandia ," he says to no one, to all of us.

‘Oh god, Timothy. Can’t handle Absolut?" Evelyn asks and then contemplatively to Courtney, "The California roll should circle the rim of the plate, no?"

"Bateman. Drink?" Price sighs.

-‘J&B rocks," I tell hum, suddenly thinking it’s strange that Meredith wasn’t invited.
"Oh god. It’s a mess," Evelyn gasps. "I swear I’m going to cry.

‘The sushi looks marvelous," I tell her soothingly.

"Oh it’s a mess," she wails. "It’s a mess."

--No, no, the sushi looks marvelous," I tell her and in an attempt to be as consoling as possible I pick up a piece of the fluke and pop it in my mouth, groaning with inward pleasure, and hug Evelyn from behind; my mouth still full, I manage to say "Delicious."
She slaps at me in a playful way, obviously pleased with my reaction, and finally, carefully, airkisses my cheek and then turns back to Courtney. Price hands me a drink and walks toward the living room while trying to remove something invisible from his blazer. ‘Evelyn, do you have a lint brush?"
I would rather have watched the baseball game or gone to the gym and worked out or tried that Salvadorian restaurant that got a couple of pretty good reviews, one in New York magazine, the other in the Times, than have dinner here but there is one good thing about dinner at Evelyn’s: it’s close to my place.

"Is it okay if the soy sauce isn’t exactly at room temperature?" Courtney is asking. "1 think there’s ice in one of the dishes."
Evelyn is placing ships of pale orange ginger delicately in a pile next to a small porcelain dish filled with soy sauce. ‘No, it’s not okay. Now Patrick, could you be a dear and get the Kirin out of the refrigerator?" Then, seemingly harassed by the ginger, she throws the clump down on the platter. "Oh forget it. I’ll do it."
I move toward the refrigerator anyway. Staring darkly, Price reenters the kitchen and says, "Who iii the hell is in the living room?"
Evelyn feigns ignorance. "Oh who is that:?"
Courtney warns, "Ev-el-yn. You did tell them, I hope."

"Who is it?" I ask, suddenly scared. "Victor Powell?"

"No, it’s not Victor Powell, Patrick," Evelyn says casually. -‘It’s an artist friend of mine, Stash. Arid Vanden, his girlfriend."

"Oh so that was a girl in there," Price says. "Go take a look, Bateman," he dares. "Let me guess. The Fast Village?"

"Oh Price," she says flirtatiously, opening beer bottles. "Why no. Vanden goes to Camden and Stash lives in SoHo, so there."
I move out of the kitchen, past the dining room, where the table has been set, the beeswax candles from Zona lit in their sterling silver candleholders from Fortunoff, and into the living room. I can’t tell what Stash is wearing since it’s all black. Van-den has green streaks in her hair. She stares at a heavy-metal video playing on M1IW while smoking a cigarette.

-‘Ahem," I cough.
Vanden looks over warily, probably drugged to the eyeballs. Stash doesn’t move.

-‘Hi. Pat Bateman," I say, offering my hand, noticing my reflection in a mirror hung on the wall—and smiling at how good I look.
She takes it, says nothing. Stash starts smelling his fingers.
Smash cut and I’m back in the kitchen.
-Just get her out of there." Price is seething. "She’s doped up watching MTV and I want to watch the goddamn McNeil I Lehrer report."
Evelyn is still opening large bottles of imported beer and absently mentions, -We’ve got to eat this stuff soon or else we’re all going to be poisoned."

"She’s got a green streak in her hair," I tell them. "And she’s smoking."

-Bateman," Tim says, still glaring at Evelyn.

-‘Yes?" I say. "Timothy?"

"You’re a dufus"

"Oh leave Patrick alone,’ Evelyn says. -He’s the boy next door. That’s Patrick. You’re not a dufus, are you, honey?" Evelyn is on Mars and I move toward the bar to make myself another drink.

"Boy next door." Tim smirks and nods, then reverses his expression and hostily asks Evelyn again if she has a lint brush.
Evelyn finishes opening the Japanese beer bottles and tells Courtney to fetch Stash and Vanden. "We have to eat this now or else we’re going to be poisoned," she murmurs, slowly moving her head, taking in the kitchen, making sure she hasn’t forgotten anything.

-If I can tear them away from the latest Megadeth video," Courtney says before exiting.

-I have to talk to you," Evelyn says.

"What about?" I come up to her.

"No," she says and then Pointing at Tim, "to Price."
Tim still glares at her fiercely. I say nothing and stare at Tim’s drink.

 "Be a hon," she tells me, "and place the sushi on the table. Tempura is in the microwave and the sake is just about done boiling. . .her voice trails off as she leads Price out of the kitchen.
I am wondering where Evelyn got the sushi—the tuna, yellowtail, mackerel, shrimp, eel, even bonito, all seem so fresh and there are piles of wasabi and clumps of ginger placed strategically around the Wilton platter—but I also like the idea that I don ‘t know, will never know, will never ask where it came from and that the sushi will sit there in the middle of the glass table from Zona that Evelyn’s father bought her like some mysterious apparition from the Orient and as I set the platter down I catch, a glimpse of my reflection on the surface of the table. My skin seems darker because of the candlelight and I notice how good the haircut I got at Gb’s last Wednesday looks. I make myself another drink. I worry about the sodium level in the soy sauce.
Four of us sit around the table waiting for Evelyn and Timothy to return from getting Price a lint brush. I sit at the head taking large swallows of J&B. Vanden sits at the other end reading disinterestedly from some East Village rag called Deception, its glaring headline THE DEATH OF DOWNTOWN.

Stash has pushed a chopstick into a lone piece of yellowtail that lies on the middle of his plate like some shiny impaled insect and the chopstick stands straight up. Stash occasionally moves the piece of sushi around the plate with the chopstick but never looks up toward either myself or Vanden or Courtney, who sits next to me sipping plum wine from a champagne glass.
Evelyn and Timothy come back perhaps twenty minutes after we’ve seated ourselves and Evelyn looks only slightly flushed. Tim glares at me as he takes the seat next to mine, a fresh drink in hand, and he leans over toward me, about to say, to admit something when suddenly Evelyn interrupts, "Not there, Timothy," then, barely a whisper "Boy girl, boy girl." She gestures toward the empty chair next to Vanden. Timothy shifts his glare to Evelyn and hesitantly takes the seat next to Vanden who yawns and turns a page of her magazine.

"Well, everybody," Evelyn says, smiling, pleased with the meal she has presented, "dig in," and then after noticing the piece of sushi that Stash has pinned—he’s now bent low over the plate, whispering at it—her composure falters but she smiles bravely and chirps, "Plum wine anyone?"
No one says anything until Courtney, who is staring at Stash’s plate, lifts her glass uncertainly and says, trying to smile, "It’s... delicious, Evelyn."
Stash doesn’t speak. Even though he is probably uncomfortable at the table with us since he looks nothing like the other men in the room—his hair isn’t slicked back, no suspenders, no horn-rimmed glasses, the clothes black and ill-fitting, no urge to light and suck on a cigar, probably unable to secure a table at Camols, his net worth a pittance—still, his behavior lacks warrant and he sits there as if hypnotized by the glistening piece of sushi and just as the table is about to finally ignore him, to look away and start eating, he sits up and loudly says, pointing an accusing finger at his plate, "It moved!"
Timothy glares at him with a contempt so total that I can’t fully equal it but I muster enough energy to come close. Vanden seems amused and so now, unfortunately, does Courtney, who I’m beginning to think finds this monkey attractive but I suppose if I were dating Luis Carruthers I might too. Evelyn laughs good-naturedly and says, "Oh Stash, you are a riot," and then asks worriedly, "Tempura?" Evelyn is an executive at a financial services company, FYI.

"I’ll have some," I tell her and I lift a piece of eggplant off the platter, though I won’t eat it because it’s fried.
The table begins to serve themselves, successfully ignoring Stash. I stare at Courtney as she chews and swallows.
Evelyn, in an attempt to start a conversation, says, after what seems like a long, thoughtful silence, "Vanden goes to Camden."

"Oh really?" Timothy asks icily. "Where is that?"

"Vermont," Vanden answers without looking up from her paper.
I look over at Stash to see if he’s pleased with Vanden’s casually blatant lie but he acts as if he wasn’t listening, as if he were in some other room or some punk rock club in the bowels of the city, but so does the rest of the table, which bothers me
since I am fairly sure we all know it’s located in New Hampshire.

"Where did you go?" Vanden sighs after it finally becomes clear to her that no one is interested in Camden.

"Well, I went to Le Rosay," Evelyn starts, "and then to business school in Switzerland"

"I also survived business school in Switzerland," Courtney says. "But I was in Geneva. Evelyn was in Lausanne."
Vanden tosses the copy of Deception next to Timothy and smirks in a wan, bitchy way and though I am pissed off a little that Evelyn doesn’t take in Vanden’s condescension and hurl it back at her, the J&13 has relieved my stress to a point where I don’t care enough to say anything. Evelyn probably thinks Van-den is sweet, lost, confused, an artist. Price isn’t eating and neither is Evelyn; I suspect cocaine but it’s doubtful. While taking a large gulp from his drink Timothy holds up the copy of Deception and chuckles to himself.

‘The Death of Downtown," he says; then, pointing at each word in the headline Who-gives~a..ra~’5..~~"

I automatically expect Stash to look up from his plate but he still stares at the lone piece of sushi, smiling to himself and nodding.

"Hey," Vanden says, as if she was insulted. "That affects us."

"Oh ho ho," Tim says warningly. "That affects us? What about the massacres in Sri Lanka, honey? Doesn’t that affect us too? What about Sri Lanka?"

"Well, that’s a cool club in the Village." Vanden shrugs. "Yeah, that affects us too."
Suddenly Stash speaks without looking up. "That’s called The Ton/ca." Resounds pissed but his voice is even and low, his eyes still on the sushi. ‘it’s called The Tonka, not Sri Lanka. Got it? The Tonka."
Vanden looks down, then meekly says, "Oh."

"I mean don’t you know anything about Sri Lanka? About how the Sikhs are killing like tons of Israehs there?" Timothy goads her. "Doesn’t that affect us?"

"Kappaniaki roll anyone?" Evelyn cuts in cheerfully, holding up a plate.

"Oh come on, Price," I say. "There are more important problems than Sri Lanka to worry about. Sure our foreign policy
is important, but there are morc pressing problems at hand."

"Like what?" he asks without looking away from Vanden. "By the way, why is there an ice cube in my soy sauce?"

"No," I start, hesitantly. "Well, we have to end apartheid for one. And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. Ensure a strong national defense, prevent the spread of communism in Central America, work for a Middle East peace settlement, prevent U.S. military involvement overseas. We have to ensure that America is a respected world power. Now that’s not to belittle our domestic problems, which are equally important, if not more. Better and more affordable long-term care for the elderly, control and find a cure for the AIDS epidemic, clean up environmental damage from toxic waste and pollution, improve the quality of primary and secondary education, strengthen laws to crack down on crime and illegal drugs. We also have to ensure that college education is affordable for the middle class and protect Social Security for senior citizens plus conserve natural resources and wilderness areas and reduce the influence of political action committees."
The table stares at me uncomfortably, even Stash, but I’m on a roll.

"But economically we’re still a mess. We have to find a way to hold down the inflation rate and reduce the deficit. We also need to provide training and jobs for the unemployed as well as protect existing American jobs from unfair foreign imports. We have to make America the leader in new technology. At the same time we need to promote economic growth and business expansion and hold the line against federal income taxes and hold down interest rates while promoting opportunities for small businesses and controlling mergers and big corporate takeovers,"
Price nearly spits up his Absolut after this comment but I try to make eye contact with each one of them, especially Van-den, who if she got rid of the green streak and the leather and got some color—maybe joined an aerobics class, slipped on a blouse, something by Laura Ashley—might be pretty. But why does she sleep with Stash? He’s lumpy and pale and has a bad cropped haircut and is at least ten pounds overweight; there’s no muscle tone beneath the black T-shirt.

"But he can’t ignore our social needs either. We have to
stop people from abusing the welfare system. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights while also promoting equal rights for women but change the abortion laws to protect the right to life yet still somehow maintain women’s freedom of choice. We also have to control the influx of illegal immigrants. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values and curb graphic sex and violence on TV, in movies, in popular music, everywhere. Most importantly we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people."
I finish my drink. The table sits facing me in total silence. Courtney’s smiling and seems pleased. Timothy just shakes his head in bemused disbelief. Evelyn is completely mystified by the turn the conversation has taken and she stands, unsteadily, and asks if anyone would like dessert.

"I have.. sorbet," she says as if in a daze. "Kiwi, carambola, cherimoya, cactus fruit and oh. what is that.. ." She stops her zombie monotone and tries to remember the last flavor. "Oh yes, Japanese pear.’
Everyone stays silent. Tim quickly looks over at me. I glance at Courtney then back at Tim, then at Evelyn. Evelyn meets my glance, then worriedly looks over at Tim. I also look over at Tim, then at Courtney and then at Tim again, who looks at me once more before answering slowly, unsurely, "Cactus pear."

"Cactus fruit," Evelyn corrects.
I look suspiciously over at Courtney and after she says "Cherimoya" I say "Kiwi" and then Vanden says "Kiwi" also and Stash says quietly, but enunciating each syllable very clearly, "Chocolate chip."
The worry that flickers across Evelyn’s face when si beam this is instantaneously replaced by a smiling and remarkably good-natures mask and she says, "Oh Stash, you know I don’t have chocolate chip, though admittedly that’s pretty exotic for a sorbet. I told you I have cheriinoya cactus pear, carambola I mean cactus fruit-""I know. I heard you, I heard you," he says, waving her off. "Surprise me."

"Okay," Evelyn says. "Courtney? Would you like to help?"

"Of course." Courtney gets up and I watch as her shoes click away into the kitchen.

"No cigars, boys," Evelyn calls out.

"Wouldn’t dream of it," Price says, putting a cigar back into his coat pocket.  Stash is still staring at the sushi with an intensity that troubles me and I have to ask him, hoping he will catch my sarcasm, "Did it, uh. move again or something?"
Vanden has made a smiley face out of all the disks of California roll she piled onto her plate and she holds it up for Stash’s inspection and asks, "Rex?"

"Cool," Stash grunts.
Evelyn comes back with the sorbet in Odeon margarita glasses and an unopened bottle of Glenfiddich, which remains unopened while we eat the sorbet.
Courtney has to leave early to meet Luis at a company party at Bedlam, a new club in midtown. Stash and Vanden depart soon after to go score something somewhere in SoHo. I am the only one who saw Stash take the piece of sushi from his plate and slip it into the pocket of his olive green leather bomber jacket. When I mention this to Evelyn, while she loads the dishwasher, she gives me a look so hateful that it seems doubtful we will have sex later on tonight. But I stick around anyway. So does Price. lie is now lying on a late-eighteenth-century Aubusson carpet drinking espresso from a Ceralene coffee cup on the floor of Evelyn’s room. I’m lying on Evelyn’s bed holding a tapestry pillow from Jenny B. Goode, nursing a cranberry and Absolut. Evelyn sits at her dressing table brushing her hair, a Ralph Lauren green and white striped silk robe draped over a very nice body, and she is gazing at her reflection in the vanity mirror.

"Am I the only one who grasped the fact that Stash assumed his piece of sushi was"—I cough, then resume—"a pet?"

"Please stop inviting your ‘artiste’ friends over," Tim says tiredly. "I’m sick of being the only one at dinner who hasn’t talked to an extraterrestrial."

"It was only that once," Evelyn says, inspecting a lip, lost in her own placid beauty.

"And at Odeon, no less," Price mutters.
I vaguely wonder why I wasn’t invited to Odeon for the artists dinner. Had Evelyn picked up the tab? Probably. And I suddenly picture a smiling Evelyn, secretly morose, sitting at a whole table of Stash’s friends—all of them constructing little log cabins with their french fries or pretending their grilled salmon was alive and moving the piece of fish around the table, the fish conversing with each other about the "art scene," new galleries; maybe even trying to fit the fish into the log cabin made of french fries.

"If you remember well enough, 1 hadn’t seen one either,’ Evelyn says.,

"No, but Bateman’s your boyfriend, so that counted." Price guffaws and I toss the pillow at him. He catches it then throws it back at me.

-‘Leave Patrick alone. He’s the boy next door," Evelyn says, rubbing some kind of cream into her face. ‘You’re not an extraterrestrial, are you honey?"

"Should I even dignify that question with an answer?" I sigh.

"Oh baby." She pouts into the mirror, looking at me in its reflection. "I know you’re not an extraterrestrial."

"Relief," I mutter to myself.

"No, but Stash was there at Odeon that night," Price continues, and then, looking over at me, "At Odeon. Are you listening, Bateman?"
-No he wasn’t," Evelyn says.

"oh yes he was, but his name wasn’t Stash last time. It was Horseshoe or Magnet or Lego or something equally adult," Price sneers. "I forget."

"Timothy, what are you going on about?" Evelyn asks tiredly. "I’m not even listening to you." She wets a cotton ball, wipes it across her forehead.

 "We were at Odeon." Price sits up with some effort.

 "And don’t ask me why, but I distinctly remember him ordering the tuna cappuccino.

-"Garpaccio," Evelyn corrects.

"No, Evelyn dear, love of my life. I distinctly remember him ordering the tuna cappuccino," Price says, staring up at the ceiling.

"He said carpaccio,’ she counters, running the cotton ball over her eyelids.

"Capparcino- Price insists. Until you corrected him.’

"You didn’t even recognize him earlier tonight," she says.

‘0h but I do remember him," Price says, turning to me. "Evelyn described him as ‘the good-natured body builder.’ That’s how she introduced him. I swear.

‘0h shut up," she says. annoyed, but she looks over at Timothy in the mirror and smiles flirtatiously.

"I mean I doubt Stash makes the society pages of W, which I thought was your criterion for choosing friends," Price says, staring back, grinning at her in his wolfish, lewd way. I concentrate on the Absolut and cranberry I’m holding and it looks like a glassful of thin, watery blood with ice and a lemon wedge in it.

"What’s going on with Courtney and Luis?" I ask, hoping to break their gaze.

‘0h god," Evelyn moans, turning back to the mirror. "The really dreadful thing about Courtney is not that she doesn’t like Luis anymore. It’s that—"

‘They canceled her charge at Bergdorf’5?" Price asks. I laugh. We slap each other high-five.

"No," Evelyn continues, also amused. "It’s that she’s really in love with her real estate broker. Some little twerp over at The Feathered Nest."

"Courtney might have her problems," Tim says, inspecting his recent manicure, "but my god, what is a. . Vanden?"

"Oh don’t bring this up," Evelyn whines and starts brushing her hair.

"Vanden is a cross between.. . The Limited and.. . used Benetton," Price says, holding up his hands, his eyes closed.

-No." I smile, trying to integrate myself into the conversation. "Used Fiorucci."

"Yeah," Tim says. "I guess." His eyes, now open, zone in on Evelyn.

"Timothy, lay off," Evelyn say’s. "She’s a Camden girl. What do you expect?"

"oh god," Timothy moans. "I am so sick of hearing Camden -girl problems. Oh my boyfriend, I love him but he loves someone else and oh how I longed for him and he ignored me and blahblah blahblahblah—god, how boring. College kids. It matters, you know? It’s sad, right Bateman?"

"Yeah. Matters. Sad."

"See, Bateman agrees with me," Price says smugly. "Oh he does not." With a Kleenex Evelyn wipes off whatever she rubbed on. "Patrick is not a cynic, Timothy. He’s the boy next door, aren’t you honey?"

"No I’m not," I whisper to myself. "I’m a fucking evil psychopath"

"Oh so what," Evelyn sighs. "She’s not the brightest girl in the world."

"Hah! Understatement of the century!" Price cries out. "But Stash isn’t the brightest guy either. Perfect couple. Did they meet on Love Connection or something?"

"Leave them alone," Evelyn says. "Stash is talented and I’m sure we’re underestimating Vanden."

"This is a girl..." Price turns to me. "Listen, Bateman, this is a girl—Evelyn told me this—this is a girl who rented High Noon because she thought it was a movie about"—he gulps— "marijuana farmers."

"It just hit me," I say. "But have we deciphered what Stash—I assume he has a last name but don’t tell me, I don’t want to know, Evelyn—does for a living?"

"First of all he’s perfectly decent and nice," Evelyn says in his defense.

"The man asked for chocolate chip sorbet for Christ sakes!" Timothy wails, disbelieving. "What are you talking about?"
Evelyn ignores this, pulls off her Tina Chow earrings. "He’s a sculptor," she says tersely.

"Oh bullshit," Timothy says. "I remember talking to him at Odeon." He turns to me again. "This was when he ordered the tuna cappuccmo and I’m sure if left unattended would have ordered the salmon au lait, and he told me he did parties, so that technically makes him—I don’t know, correct me if I’m wrong, Evelyn—a caterer. He’s a caterer!" Price cries out. "Not a fucking sculptor!"

"Oh gosh calm down ," Evelyn says, rubbing more cream into her face.

"That’s like saying you’re a poet." Timothy is drunk and I’m beginning to wonder when he will vacate the premises.

 "Well," Evelyn begins, "I’ve been known to— "You’re a fucking word processor!" Tim blurts out. He walks over to Evelyn and bows next to her, checking out his reflection in the mirror.

"Have you been gaining weight, Tim?" Evelyn asks thoughtfully. She studies Tim’s head in the mirror and says, "Your face looks . . . rounder."
Timothy, in retaliation, smells Evelyn’s neck and says, "What is that fascinating ... odor?"

"Obsession.’ Evelyn smiles flirtatiously, gently pushing Timothy away. "it’s Obsession. Patrick, get your friend away from me.

"No, no, wait," Timothy says, sniffing loudly. "It’s not Obsession. It’s . . . it’s and then, with a face twisted in mock horror, "It’s ... oh my god, it’s Q.T. Instatan!"
Evelyn pauses and considers her options. She inspects Price’s head one more time. "Are you losing your hair?"

"Evelyn," Tim says. "Don’t change the subject but And then, genuinely worried, "Now that you mention it .. . too much gel?" Concerned, he runs a hand over it.

"Maybe." Evelyn says. "Now make yourself useful and do sit down

"Well, at least it’s not green and I haven’t tried to cut it with a butter knife," Tim says, referring to Vanden’s dye job and Stash’s admittedly cheap, bad haircut. A haircut that’s bad because it’s cheap.

"Are you gaining weight?" Evelyn asks, more seriously this time.

"Jesus," Tim says, about to turn away, offended. "No, Evelyn."

"Your face definitely looks . . . rounder," Evelyn says. "Less chiseled."

"I don’t believe this." Tim again.
He looks deep into the mirror. She continues brushing her hair bat the strokes are less definite because she’s looking at Tim. lie notices this and then smells her neck and I think he licks at it quickly and grins.

"Is that Q.T.?" he asks. "Come on, you can tell me. I smell it."

"No," Evelyn says, unsmiling. "You use that."

"No. As a matter of fact I don’t. I go to a tanning salon. I’m quite honest about that," he says. "You ‘re using Q.T."

"You’re projecting," she says lamely.

"I told you," Tim says. "I go to a tanning salon. I mean I know it’s expensive but. . ." Price blanches. "Still, Q. T P’

"Oh how brave to admit you go to a tanning salon," she says.

"Q.T." He chuckles.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about," Evelyn says and resumes brushing her hair. "Patrick, escort your friend out of here."
Now Price is on his knees and he smells and sniffs at Evelyn’s bare legs and she’s laughing. I tense up.

"Oh god," she moans loudly. "Get out of here."

"You are orange." lie laughs, on his knees, his head in her lap. "You look orange."

"I am not," she says, her voice a low prolonged growl of pain, ecstasy. "Jerk."
I lie on the bed watching the two of them. Timothy is in her lap trying to push his head under the Ralph Lauren robe, Evelyn’s head is thrown back with pleasure and she is trying to push him away, but playfully, and hitting him only lightly on his back with her Jan Hove brush. I am fairly sure that Timothy and Evelyn are having an affair. Timothy is the only interesting person I know.

‘You should go," she says finally, panting. She has stopped struggling with him.
He looks up at her, flashing a toothy, good-looking smile, and says, "Anything the lady requests."

"Thank you," she says in a voice that sounds to me tinged with disappointment.
He stands up. "Dinner? Tomorrow?"

"I’ll have to ask my boyfriend," she says, smiling at me in the mirror.

"Will you wear that sexy black Anne Klein dress?" he asks, his hands on her shoulders, whispering this into her ear, as he smells it. "Bateman’s not welcome."
I laugh good-naturedly while getting up from the bed, escorting him out of the room.

"Wait! My espresso!" he calls out.
Evelyn laughs, then claps as if delighted by Timothy’s reluctance to vacate.

"Come on Celia," I say as I push him roughly out of the bedroom. "J3eddy-bye time."
He still manages to blow her a kiss before I get him out and away. He is completely silent as I walk him out of the brownstone.
After he leaves I pour myself a brandy and drink it from a checkered Italian tumbler and when I come back to the bedroom I find Evelyn lying in bed watching the Home Shopping Club. I lie down next to her and loosen my Armani tie. Finally I ask something without looking at her.

"Why don’t you just go for Price?"

"Oh god, Patrick," she says, her eyes shut. "Why Price? Price?" And she says this in a way that makes me think she has had sex with him.

"He’s rich," I say.

"Everybody’s rich," she says, concentrating on the TV screen.

"He’s good-looking," I tell her.

"Everybody’s good-looking, Patrick," she says remotely.

"He has a great body," I say.

"Everybody has a great body now," she says.
I place the tumbler on the nightstand and roll over on top of her. While I kiss and lick her neck she stares passionlessly at the wide-screen Panasonic remote-control television set and lowers the volume. I pull my Armani shirt up and place her hand on my torso, wanting her to feel how rock-hard, how halved my stomach is, and I flex the muscles, grateful it’s light in the room so she can see how bronzed and defined my abdomen has become.

"You know," she says clearly, "Stash tested positive for the AIDS virus. And She pauses, something on the screen catching her interest; the volume goes slightly up and then is lowered. "And... I think he will probably sleep with Vanden tonight."

‘Good," I say, biting lightly at her neck, one of my hands on a firm, cold breast.

"You’re eviJ," she says, slightly excited, running her hands along my broad, bard shoulder.

‘No," I sigh. Just your fiance."
After attempting to have sex with her for around fifteen minutes, I decide not to continue trying.
She says, -You know, you can always be in better shape."
I reach for the tumbler of brandy. I finish it. Evelyn is addicted to Parnate, an antidepressant. I lie there beside her watching the Home Shopping Club—at glass dolls, embroidered throw pillows, lamps shaped like footballs, Lady Zirconia—with the sound turned off. Evelyn starts drifting.

-‘Are you using minoxidil?" she asks, after a long time.

"No. I’m not," I say. "Why should I?"

"Your hairline looks like it’s receding," she murmurs.

-‘It’s not," I find myself saying. It’s hard to tell. My hair is very thick and I can’t tell if I’m losing it. I really doubt it.
I walk back to my place arid say good night to a doorman I don’t recognize (he could be anybody) and then dissolve into my living room high above the city, the sounds of the Tokens singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" coming from the glow of the Wurlitzer 1015 jukebox (which is not as good as the hard-to-find Wurlitzer 850) that stands in the corner of the living room. I masturbate, thinking about first Evelyn, then Courtney, then Vanden and then Evelyn again, but right before I come—a weak orgasm—about a near-naked model in a halter top I saw today in a Calvin Klein advertisement.

Morning

In the early light of a May dawn this is what the living room of my apartment looks like: Over the white marble and granite gas-log fireplace hangs an original David Onica. It’s a six-foot-by-four-foot portrait of a naked woman, mostly done in muted
grays and olives, sitting on a chaise lounge watching MTV, the backdrop a Martian landscape, a gleaming mauve desert scattered with dead, gutted fish, smashed plates rising like a sunburst above the woman’s yellow head, and the whole thing is framed in black aluminum steel. The painting overlooks a long white down-filled sofa and a thirty-inch digital TV set from Toshiba; it’s a high-contrast highly defined model plus it has a four-corner video stand with a high-tech tube combination from NEC with a picture-in-picture digital effects system (plus freeze-frame); the audio includes built-in MTS and a five-watt-per-channel on-board amp. A Toshiba VCR sits in a glass case beneath the TV set; it’s a super-high-band Beta unit and has built-in editing function including a character generator with eight-page memory, a high-band record and playback, and three-week, eight-event timer. A hurricane halogen lamp is placed in each corner of the living room. Thin white venetian blinds cover all eight floor-to-ceiling windows. A glass-top coffee table with oak legs by Turchin sits in front of the sofa, with Steuben glass animals placed strategically around expensive crystal ashtrays from Fortunoff, though I don’t smoke. Next to the Wurlitzer jukebox is a black ebony Baldwin concert grand piano. A polished white oak floor runs throughout the apartment. On the other side of the room, next to a desk and a magazine rack by Gio Ponti, is a complete stereo system (CD player, tape deck, tuner, amplifier) by Sansul with six-foot Dun-tech Sovereign 2001 speakers in Brazilian rosewood. A down-filled futon lies on an oakwood frame in the center of the bedroom. Against the wall is a Panasonic thirty-one-inch set wilh a direct-view screen and stereo sound and beneath it in a glass case is a Toshiba VCR. I’m not sure if the time on the Sony digital alarm clock is correct so I have to sit up then look down at the time flashing on and off on the VCR, then pick up the Ettore Sottsass push-button phone that rests on the steel and glass nightstand next to the bed and dial the time number. A cream leather, steel and wood chair designed by Eric Marcus is in one corner of the room, a molded plywood chair in the Other. A black-dotted beige and white Maud Sienna carpet covers most of the floor. One wall is hidden by four chests of immense bleached mahogany drawers. In bed I’m wearing Ralph Lauren silk pajamas and when I get up I slip on a paisley ancient madder robe and walk to the bathroom. I urinate while trying to make out the puffiness of my reflection in the glass that encases a baseball poster hung above the toilet. After I change into Ralph Lauren monogrammed boxer shorts and a Fair Isle sweater and slide into silk polka-dot Enrico Hidolin slippers I tie a plastic ice pack around my face and commence with the morning’s stretching exercises. Afterwards I stand in front of a chrome and acrylic Washmobile bathroom sink—with soap dish, cup holder, and railings that serve as towel bars, which I bought at Hastings Tile to use while the marble sinks I ordered from Finland are being sanded—and stare at my reflection with the ice pack still on. I pour some Plax antiplaque formula into a stainless-steel tumbler and swish it around my mouth for thirty seconds. Then I squeeze Rembrandt onto a faux-tortoiseshell toothbrush and start brushing my teeth (too hung over to floss properly—but maybe I flossed before bed last night?) and rinse with Listerine. Then I inspect my hands and use a nail-brush. I take the ice-pack mask off and use a deep-pore cleanser lotion, then an herb-mint facial masque which I leave on for ten minutes while I check my toenails. Then I use the Probright tooth polisher and next the Interplak tooth polisher (this in addition to the toothbrush) which has a speed of 4200 rpm and reverses direction forty-six hines per second; the larger tufts clean between teeth and massage the gums while the short ones scrub the tooth surfaces. I rinse again, with Cepacol. I wash the facial massage off with a spearmint face scrub. The shower has a universal all-directional shower head that adjusts within a thirty-inch vertical range. It’s made from Australian gold-black brass and covered with a white enamel finish. In the shower I use first a water-activated gel cleanser, then a honey-almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Tidal Sassoon shampoo is especially good at getting rid of the coating of dried perspiration salts, oils, airborne pollutants and dirt that can weigh down hair and flatten it to the scalp which can make you look older. The conditioner is also good—silicone technology permits conditioning benefits without weighing down the hair which can also make you look older. On weekends or before a date I prefer to use the Creune Natural Revitalizing Shampoo, the conditioner and the Nutrient Complex. These are formulas that contain D-panthenol, a vitamin-B-complex factor; polysorbatt3 8o, a cleansing agent for the scalp; and natural herbs. Over the weekend I plan to go to Bloomingdale’s or Bergdorf’s and on Evelyn’s advice pick up a Foltene European supplement and Shampoo for thinning hair which contains complex carbohydrates that penetrate the hair shafts for improved strength and shine. Also the Vivagen Hair Enrichment Treatment, a new Hedken product that prevents mineral deposits and prolongs the life cycle of hair. Luis Carruthers recommended the Aranils Nutriplexx system, a nutrient complex that helps increase circulation. Once out of the shower and toweled dry I put the Ralph Lauren boxers back on and before applying the Mousse A Raiser, a shaving cream by Pour Hommes, I press a hot towel against my face for two minutes to soften abrasive beard hair. Then I always slather on a moisturizer (to my taste, Clinique) and let it soak in for a minute- You can rinse it off or keep it on and apply a shaving cream over it—preferably with a brush, which softens the beard as it lifts the whiskers—which I’ve found makes removing the hair easier. It also helps prevent water from evaporating and reduces friction between your skin and the blade. Always wet the razor with warm water before shaving and shave in the direction the beard grows, pressing gently on the skin. Leave the sideburns and chin Ibr last, since these whiskers are tougher and need more time to soften. Rinse the razor and shake off any excess water before starting. Afterwards splash cool water on the face to remove any trace of lather. You should use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol. Never use cologne on your face, since the high alcohol content dries your face out and makes you look older. One should use an alcohol-free antibacterial toner with a water-moistened cotton ball to normalize the skin. Applying a moisturizer is the final step. Splash on water before applying an emollient lotion to soften the skin and seal in the moisture. Next apply Gel Appaisant, also made by Pour Hommes, which is an excellent, soothing skin lotion. If the face seems dry and flaky—which makes it look dull and older—use a clarifying lotion that removes flakes and uncovers fine skin (it can also make your tan look darker). Then apply an anti-aging eye balm (Baume Des Yeux) followed by a final moisturizing "protective" lotion. A scalp-programming lotion is used after I towel my hair dry. I also lightly blow-dry the hair to give it body and control (but without stickiness) and then add more of the lotion, shaping it with a Kent natural-bristle brush, and finally slick it back with a wide-tooth comb. I pull the Fair Isle sweater back on and reslip my feet into the polka-dot silk slippers, then head into the living room and put the new Talking Heads in the CD player, but it starts to digitally skip so I take it out and put in a CD laser lens cleaner. The laser lens is very sensitive, and subject to interference from dust or dirt or smoke or pollutants or moisture, and a dirty one can inaccurately read CDs, making for false starts, inaudible passages, digital skipping, speed changes and general distortion; the lens cleaner has a cleaning brush that autoinaticany aligns with the lens then the disk spins to remove residue and particles. When I put the Talking Heads CD back in it plays smoothly. I retrieve the copy of USA Today that lies in front of my door in the hallway and bring it with me into the kitchen where I take two Advil, a multivitamin.- and a potassium tablet, washing them down with a large bottle of Evian water since the maid, an elderly Chinese woman, forgot to turn the dishwasher on when she left yesterday, and then I have to pour the grapefruit-lemon juice into a St. R6my wineglass I got from Baccarat. I check the neon clock that hangs Over the refrigerator to make sure I have enough time to eat breakfast unhurriedly. Standing at the island in the kitchen I eat kiwifruit and a sliced Japanese apple-pear (they cost four dollars each at Cristede’s) out of aluminum storage boxes that were designed in West Germany I take a bran muffin, a decaffeinated herbal tea bag and a box of oat-bran cereal from one of the large glass-front cabinets that make up most of an entire wall in the kitchen; complete with stainless-steel shelves and sandblasted wire glass, it is framed in a metallic dark gray-blue. I eat half of the bran muffin after it’s been microwaved and lightly covered with a small helping of apple butter. A bowl of oat-bran cereal with wheat germ and soy milk follows; another bottle of Evian water and a small cup of decaf tea after that. Next to the Panasonic bread baker and the Salton Pop-Up coffee maker is the Cremina sterling silver espresso maker (which is,oddly, still warm) that I got at Hammacher Schlemmer (the thermal-insulated stainless-steel espresso cup and the saucer and spoon are sitting by the sink, stained) and the Sharp Model R-1810A Carousel II microwave oven with revolving turntable which I use when I heat up the other half of the bran muffin. Next to the Salton Sonata toaster and the Cuisinart Little Pro food processor and the Acme Supreme Juicerator and the Cordially Yours liqueur maker stands the heavy-gauge stainless-steel two-and-one-half-quart teakettle, which whistles "Tea for Two" when the water is boiling, and with it 1 make another small cup of the decaffeinated apple-cinnamon tea. For what seems like a long time I stare at the Black & Decker handy Knife that lies on the counter next to the sink, plugged into the wall: it’s a slicer/peeler with several attachments, a serrated blade, a scalloped blade and a rechargeable handle. The suit I wear today is from Alan Flusser. It’s an eighties drape suit, which is an updated version of the thirties style. The favored version has extended natural shoulders, a full chest and a bladed back. The soft-rolled lapels should be about four inches wide with the peak finishing three quarters of the way across the shoulders. Properly used on double-breasted suits, peaked lapels are considered more elegant than notched ones. Low-slung pockets have a flapped double-besom design—above the flap ther&s a slit trimmed on either side with a flat narrow strip of cloth. Four buttons form a low-slung square; above it, about where the lapels cross, there are two more buttons. The trousers are deeply pleated and cut full in order to continue the flow of the wide jacket. An extended waist is cut slightly higher in the front. Tabs make the suspenders fit well at the center back. The tie is a dotted silk design by Valentino Couture. The shoes are crocodile loafers by A. Testoni. While I’m dressing the TV is kept on to The Patty Winters Show. Today’s guests are Women with multiple personalities. A nondescript overweight older woman is on the screen and Patty’s voice is heard asking, "Well, is it schizophrenia or what’s the deal? Tell us."

"No, oh no. Multiple personalities are not schizophrenics," the woman says, shaking her head- "We are not dangerous."

"Well," Patty starts, standing in the middle of the audience, microphone in hand. "Who were you last month?"

‘Last month it seemed to be mostly Polly," the woman says.
A cut to the audience housewife’s worried face, before she notices herself on the monitor, it cuts back to the multiple. personality Woman.

"Well," Patty continues, now who are you?"
Well..., the woman begins tiredly, as if she was sick of being asked this question, as if she had answered it over and over again and still no one believed it. "Well, this month I’m Lambchop Mostly... Lambchop"
A long pause. The camera cuts to a close-up of a stunned housewife shaking her head, another housewife whispering something to her.
The shoes I’m wearing are crocodile loafers by A. Testoni.

Grabbing my raincoat out of the closet in the entranceway I find a Burberry scarf and matching coat with a whale embroidered on it (something a little kid might wear) and it’s covered with what looks like dried chocolate syrup crisscrossed over the front, darkening the lapels. I take the elevator downstairs to the lobby, rewinding my Rolex by gently shaking my wrist. I say good morning to the doorman, step outside and had a cab, heading downtown toward Wall Street.
 
 

Harry’s

Price and I walk down Hanover Street in the darkest moments of twilight and as if guided by radar move silently toward Harry’s. Timothy hasn’t said anything since we left P & P. He doesn’t even comment on the ugly burn that crouches beneath a Dumpster off Stone Street, though he does manage a grim wolf whistle toward a woman, big tits, blonde, great ass, high heels-heading toward Water Street. Price seems nervous and edgy and I have no desire to ask him what’s wrong. He’s wearing a linen suit by Canali Milano, a cotton shirt by Ike Behar, a silk tie by Bill Blass and cap-toed leather lace-ups from Brooks Brothers. I’m wearing a lightweight linen suit with pleated trousers, a cotton shirt, a dotted silk tie, all by Valentino Couture, and perforated cap-toe leather shoes by Allen-Edmonds. Once inside Harry’s we spot David Van Patten and Craig McDermott at a table up front. Van Patten is wearing a doublebreasted wool and silk sport coat, button-fly wool and silk trousers with inverted pleats by Mario Valentino, a cotton shirt by Gitman Brothers, a polka-dot silk tie by Bill Blass and leather shoes from Brooks Brothers. McDermott is wearing a woven-linen suit with pleated trousers, a button-down cotton and linen shirt by Basile, a silk tie by Joseph Abboud and ostrich loafers from Susan Bennis Warren Edwards.

  The two are hunched over the table, writing on the backs of paper napkins, a Scotch end a martini placed respectively in front of them. They wave us over. Price throws his Tumi leather attache case on an empty chair and heads toward the bar. I call out to him for a J&B on the rocks, then sit down with Van Patten and McDermott.

 "Hey Bateman," Craig says in a voice that suggests this is not his first martini. "Is it proper to wear tasseled loafers with a business suit or not? Don’t look at me like

I’m insane."

"Oh shit, don ‘t ask Bateman," Van Patten moans, waving a gold Cross pen in front of his face, absently sipping from the martini glass.

 "Van Patten?" Craig says.

 ‘Yeah?"

McDermott hesitates,-then says –"Shut up" in a flat voice.

"What are you screwballs up to?" I spot Luis Carruthers standing at the bar next to Price, who ignores him utterly. Carruthers is not dressed well: a four-button double-breasted wool suit, I think by Chaps, a striped cotton shirt and a silk bow Lie plus horn-rimmed eyeglasses by Oliver Peoples.

"Bateman: we’re sending these questions in to GQ," Van Patten begins.
Luis spots me, smiles weakly, then, if I’m not mistaken, blushes and turns back to the bar. Bartenders always ignore Luis for some reason.

‘We have this bet: to see which one of us will get in the Question and Answer column first, and so now I expect an answer. What do you think ?" McDermott demands.

"About what?" I ask irritably.

‘Tasseled loafers, jerk-off" he says.

"Well, guys. ." I measure my words carefully. "The tasseled loafer IS traditionally a casual shoe I glance back at Price, wan ring the drink badly. lie brushes past Luis, who offers his hand. Price smiles, says something moves on, strides 0~er to our table, Luis, once more, tries to catch the bartenders attention and once more fails.

‘But it’s become acceptable just because it’s so popular, right-" Craig asks eagerly.

"Yeah." I nod. -As long as its either black or cordovan it’s okay."

"What about brown-" Van Patten asks suspiciously.
I think about this then say, "Too Sporty for a business suit.’
-What are you fags talking about" Price asks, lie hands me the drink then sits down, crossing his legs.

 "Okay, okay, okay," Van Patten says. "This is my question. A two-parter He pauses dramatically. ‘Now are rounded collars too dressy or too casual? Part two, which tie knot looks best with them?"

A distracted Price, his voice still tense, answers quickly with an exact, clear enunciation that can be heard over the din in harry’s. "It’s a very versatile look and it can go with both suits and sport coats. It should be starched for dressy occasions and a collar pin should be worn if it’s particularly formal." He pauses, sighs; it looks as if he’s spotted somebody. I turn around to see who it is. Price continues, "If it is worn with a blazer then the collar should look soft and it can be worn either pinned or Unpinned Since it’s a traditional preppy look it’s best if balanced by a relatively small four-in.hand knot." He sips his martini, recrossing his legs. "Next question?"

 "Buy the man a drink," McDermott says, obviously impressed

 ‘Price?" Van Patten says.

 "Yes?" Price says, casing the room.

 "You’re priceless."

 "Listen" I ask, ‘where are we having dinner?"

"I brought the trusty Mr. Zagat," Van Patten says, pulling the long crimson bookJet out of his pocket and waving it at Timothy.

 "Hoo-ray," Price says dryly.

 "What do we want to eat?" Me.

 "Something blond with big tits." Price.

 "How about that Salvadorian bistro?" McDermott.

 "Listen, we’re stopping by Tunnel afterwards so somewhere near there.’ Van Patten.

 "Oh shit," McDermott begins. ‘We’re going to Tunnel? Last week I picked up this Vassar chick—"

 "Oh god, not again," Van Patten groans.

"What is your problem?" McDermott snaps back.

 "There. I don’t need to hear this story again ," Van Patten says.

 "But I never told you what happened afterwards," McDerrnott says, arching his eyebrows.

 "Hey, when were you guys there?" I ask. -Why wasn’t I invited?"

 "You were on that fucking cruise thing. Now shut up and listen. So okay I picked up this Vassar chick at Tunnel—hot number, big tits, great legs, this chick was a little hardbody— and so I buy her a couple of champagne kirs and she’s in the city on spring break and she’s practically blowing me in the Chandelier Room and so I take her back to my place—"

"Whoa, wait," I interrupt. "May I ask where Pamela is during all of this?"
Craig winces. "Oh fuck you I want a blow-job, Bateman. I want a chick who’s gonna let me—"
~I don’t want to hear this," Van Patten says, clamping his hands over his ears. "He’s going to say something disgusting."

"You prude," McDermott sneers. "Listen, we’re not gonna invest in a co-op together or jet down to Saint Bart’s. Ijust want some chick whose face I can sit on for thirty, forty minutes."
I throw my swizzle stick at him.

-Anyway, so we’re back at my place and listen to this." He moves in closer to the table. "She’s had enough champagne by flow to get a fucking rhino tipsy, and get this—"

"She let you fuck her without a condom?" one of us asks.
McDermott rolls his eyes up. "This is a Vassar girl. She’s not from Queens."
Price taps me on the shoulder. "What does that mean?"

"Anyway, listen," McDermott says. "She would.., are you
ready?" He pauses dramatically. "She would only give me a hand-job, and get this.., she kept her glove on." He sits back in his chair and sips his drink in a smug, satisfied sort of way.
We all take this in solemnly. No one makes fun of McDermott’s revelatory statement or of his inability to react more aggressively with this chick. No one says anything but we are all thinking the same thought: Never pick up a Vassar girl.

"What you need is a chick from Camden ," Van Patten says. after recovering from McDermott’s statement.

"Oh great," 1 say. "Some chick who thinks it’s okay to fuck her brother."

"Yeah, but they think AIDS is a new band from England," Price points out.

"Where’s dinner?" Van Patten asks, absently studying the question scrawled on his napkin. "Where the fuck are we going?"

"It’s really funny that girls think guys are concerned with that, with diseases and stuff," Van Patten says, shaking his head.

"I’m not gonna wear a fucking condom," McDermott announces.

"1 have read this article I’ve Xeroxed," Van Patten says, "and it says our chances of catching that are like zero zero zero zero point half a decimal percentage or something, and this no matter what kind of scumbag, slutbucket, horndog chick we end up boffing."

"Guys just cannot get it."

"Well, not white guys."

"This girl was wearing a fucking glove?" Price asks, still shocked. "A glove? Jesus, why didn’t you just jerk off instead?"

"Listen, the dick also rises," Van Patten says. "Faulkner."

"Where did you go to college?" Price asks. "Pine Manor?"

"Men," I announce: "Look who approaches."

"Who?" Price won’t turn his head.

"Hint," I say. "Biggest weasel at Drexel Burnham Lam-bert."

"Connolly?" Price guesses.

"Hello, Preston," I say, shaking Preston’s hand.

"Fellows," Preston says, standing over the table, nodding to everyone. "I’m sorry about not making dinner with you guys

Tonight Preston is wearing a double breasted wool suit by Alexander Julian, a cotton shirt and a silk Perry Ellis tie. He bends down, balancing himself by putting a hand on the back of my chair. "I feel really bad about canceling, but commitments, you know.
Price gives me an accusatory look and mouths "Was he invited?"
i shrug and finish what’s left of the J&B.

"What did you do last night?" McDermott asks, and then, "Nice threads."

"Who did he do last night?" Van Patten corrects.

"No, no," Preston says. "Very respectable, decent evening. No babes, no blow, no brew. Went to The Russian Tea Room with Alexandra and her parents. She calls her father—get this— Billy. But I’m so fucking tired and only one Stoli." He takes off his glasses (Oliver Peoples, of course) and yawns, wiping them clean with an Armani handkerchief. "I’m not sure, but I think our like weird Orthodox waiter dropped some acid in the borscht. I’m so fucking tired."

"What are you doing instead?" Price asks, clearly uninterested.

"Have to return these videos, Vietnamese with Alexandra, a musical, Broadway, something British," Preston says, scanning the room.

"Hey Preston," Van Patten says. We’re gonna send in the GQ questions. You got one?"

"Oh yeah, I’ve got one," Preston says. "Okay, so when wearing a tuxedo how do you keep the front of your shirt from riding up?"
Van Patten and McDermott sit silently for a minute before Craig, concerned and his brow creased in thought, says, "That’s a good one.

"Hey Price," Preston says. "Do you have one?"

"Yeah," Price sighs. "If all of your friends are morons is it a felony, a misdemeanor or an act of God if you blow their fucking heads off with a thirty-eight magnum?"

"Not GQ material," McDermott says. "Try Soldier of Fortune."

"Who is that?" Price asks, staring over at the bar. "Is that Reed Robinson? And by the way, Preston, you simply have a tab with a buttonhole sewn into the front of
the shirt, which can then be attached by a button to your trousers; and make sure that the stiff pleated front of the shirt doesn’t extend below the waistband of your trousers or it will rise up when you sit down now is that jerk Reed Robison? It looks a helluva lot like him."
Stunned by Price’s remarks, Preston slowly turns around, still on his haunches, and after he puts his glasses back on, squints over at the bar. "No, that’s Nigel Morrison."

"Ah," Price exclaims. "One of those young British faggots serving internship at...?"

"How do you know he’s a faggot?" I ask him.

 "They’re all faggots." Price shrugs. "The British."

 "How would you know, Timothy?" Van Patten grins.

 "I saw him fuck Bateman up the ass in the men’s room at Morgan Stanley," Price says.
I sigh and ask Preston, "Where is Morrison interning?"

 "I forget," Preston says, scratching his head. "Lazard?"

 "Where?" McDermott presses. "First Boston? Goldman?"

 "I’m not sure," Preston says. "Maybe Drexel? Listen, he’s just an assistant corporate finance analyst and his ugly, black-tooth girlfriend is in some dinky rathole doing leveraged buy-outs."

 "Where are we eating?" I ask, my patience at an all-time low. "We need to make a reservation. I’m not standing at some fucking bar."

 "What in the fuck is Morrison wearing?" Preston asks h~self. "Is that really a gien-plaid suit with a checkered shirt?"

 "That’s not Morrison," Price says.

 "Who is it then?" Preston asks, taking his glasses off again.

 "That’s Paul Owen," Price says.

 "That’s not Paul Owen," I say. "Paul Owen’s on the other side of the bar. Over there."
Owen stands at the bar wearing a double-breasted wool shit.

"He’s handling the Fisher account," someone says. "Lucky bastard," someone else murmurs. "Lucky Jew bastard," Preston says.

 "Oh Jesus, Preston," I say. "What does that have to do with anything?"

 "Listen, I’ve seen the bastard sitting in his office on the phone with CEOs, spinning a fucking menorah. The bastard brought a Hanukkah bush into the office last December," Preston says suddenly, peculiarly animated.

 "You spin a dreidel, Preston," I say calmly, "not a menorah. You spin a dreidel."

 "Oh my god, Bateman, do you want me to go over to the bar and ask Freddy to fry you up some fucking potato pancakes?" Preston asks, truly alarmed "Some...
latkes?"

 "No," I say. "Just cool it with the anti-Semitic remarks."

 "The voice of reason." Price leans forward to pat me on the back. "The boy next door."

 "Yeah, a boy next door who according to you let a British corporate finance analyst intern sodomize him up the ass," I say ironically.

 "I said you were the voice of reason," Price says. "I didn’t say you weren’t a homosexual."

 "Or redundant," Preston adds.

 "Yeah," I say, staring directly at Price. "Ask Meredith if I’m a homosexual. That is, if she’ll take the time to pull my dick out of her mouth."

 "Meredith’s a fag hag," Price explains, unfazed, "that’s why I’m dumping her."

 "Oh wait, guys, listen, I got a joke." Preston rubs his hands together.

 "Preston," Price says, "you are a joke. You do know you weren’t invited to dinner. By the way, nice jacket; nonmatching but complementary."

"Price, you are a bastard, you are so fucking mean to me it hurts," Preston says, laughing. "Anyway, so JFK and Pearl Bailey meet at this party and they go back to the Oval Office to have sex and so they fuck and then JFK goes to sleep and Preston stops. "Oh gosh, now what happens.. .Oh yeah, so Pearl Bailey says Mr. President! wanna fuck you again and so he says I’m going to sleep now and in . . . thirty—no, wait Preston pauses again, confused. "Now. . . no, sixty minutes
no. . okay, thirty minutes I’ll wake up and we’ll do it again
but you’ve got to keep one band on my cock and the other on my balls and she says okay but why do I have to keep one hand on your dick and one. . . one hand on your balls.. and. . He notices that Van Patten is idly doodling something on the back of a napkin. "Hey Van Patten—are you listening to me?"

"I’m listening," Van Patten says, irritated. "Co ahead, Finish it. One hand on my cock, one hand on my balls, go on.
Luis Carruthers is still standing at the bar waiting for a drink. Now it looks to me like his silk bow tie is by Agnes B. It’s all unclear.

"I’m not," Price says.

"And he says because.. ." Again Preston falters. There’s a long silence. Preston looks at me.

"Don’t look at me," I say. "It’s hot my joke."

"And he says My mind’s a blank."

"Is that the punch line—My mind’s a blank?" McDermott asks.

"He says, urn, because.. ." Preston puts a hand over his eyes and thinks about it. "Oh gosh, I can’t believe I forgot this

"Oh great, Preston." Price sighs. "You are one unfunny bastard."

"My mind’s a blank?" Craig asks me. "I don’t get it."

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah," Preston says. "Listen, I remember. Because the last time I fucked a nigger she stole my wallet. He starts chuckling immediately. And after a short moment of silence, the table cracks up too, except for me.

"That’s it, that’s the punch line," Preston says proudly, relieved.
Van Patten gives him high-five. Even Price laughs.

"Oh Christ," I say. ‘That’s awful."

Why?" Preston says. "It’s funny. It’s humor."
Yeah, Bateman," McDermott says. "Cheer up.

"Oh I forgot. Bateman’s dating someone from the ACLU" Price says. "What bothers you about that?"

"It’s not funny," I say. "It’s racist."

"Bateman, you are some kind of morose bastard," Preston says. "You should stop reading all those Ted Bundy biographies." Preston stands up and checks his Rolex.
"Listen men, I’m off. Will see you tomorrow."

"Yeah. Same Bat Time, same Bat Channel," Van Patten says, nudging me.
Preston leans forward before leaving. "Because the last time I fucked a nigger she stole my wallet."

"I get it. I get it," I say, pushing him away.

"Remember this, guys: Few things perform in life as well as a Kenwood." He exits.

"yabba-dabba-do," Van Patten says.
"Hey, did anyone know cavemen got more fiber than we get?" McDermott asks.
 
 

Pastels
I’m on the verge of tears by the time we arrive at Pastels since I’m positive we won’t get seated but the table is good, and relief that is almost tidal in scope washes over me in an awesome wave. At Pastels McDermott knows the maitre d’ and though we made our reservations from a cab only minutes ago we’re immediately led past the overcrowded bar into the pink, brightly lit main dining room and seated at an excellent booth for four, up front. It’s really impossible to get a reservation at Pastels and I think Van Patten, myself, even Price, are impressed by, maybe even envious of, McDermott’s prowess in securing a table. After we piled into a cab on Water Street we realized that no one had made reservations anywhere and while debating the merits of a new Californian-Sicilian bistro on the Upper East Side—my panic so great I almost ripped Zagat in two—the consensus seemed to emerge. Price had the only dissenting voice but he finally shrugged and said, "I don’t give a shit," and we used his portaphone to make the reservation. He slipped his Walkman on and turned the volume up so loud that the sound of Vivaldi was audible even with the windows halfWay Open and the noise of the uptown traffic blasting into the taxi. Van Patten and McDermott made rude jokes about the size of Tim’s dick and I did too. Outside Pastels Tim grabbed the napkin with Van Patten’s final version of his carefully
phrased question for CQ on it and tossed it at a bum huddling outside the restaurant feebly holding up a sloppy cardboard sign: I AM HUNGRY AND HOMELESS PLEASE HELP ME.

Things seem to be going smoothly. The maitre d’ has sent over four complimentary Bellinis but we order drinks anyway. The Ronettes are singing "Then He Kissed Me," our waitress is a little hardbody and even Price seems relaxed though he hates the place. Plus there are four women at the table opposite ours all great-lookihg..blonde. . big tits: one is wearing a chemise dress in double-faced wool by Calvin Klein, another is wearing a wool knit dress and jacket with silk faille bonding by Geoffrey Beene, another is wearing a symmetrical skirt of pleated tulle and an embroidered velvet bustier by, I think, Christian Lacroix plus high-heeled shoes by Sidonie Larizzi, and the last one is wearing a black strapless sequined gown under a wool crepe tailored jacket by Bill I3lass. Now the Shirelles are coming out of the speakers, ‘Dancing in the Street," and the sound system plus the acoustics, because of the restaurant’s high ceding, are so loud that we have to practically scream out our order to the hardbody waitress...who is wearing a bicolored suit of wool grain with passementerie trim by Myrone de Premonvile and velvet ankle boots and whop I’m fairly sure, is flirting with me: laughs sexily when I order, as an appetizer, the monkfish and squid ceviche with golden caviar; gives me a stare so steamy, so penetrating when I order the gravlax potpie with green tomatub sauce I have to look back at the pink l3ellini in the tall champagne flute with a concerned, deadly serious expression so as not to let her think I m too interested, Price orders the tapas and then the venison with yogurt sauce and fiddlehead ferns with mango slices. McDermott orders the sashimi with goat cheese and then the smoked duck with endive and maple ~ynzp. Van Patten has the scallop sausage and the grilled salmon with raspberry vinegar and guacamole. The air-conditioning in he restaurant is on full blast and I’m beginning to feel bad that in not wearing the new Versace pullover I bought last week at Bergdorf’s. It would look good with the suit I’m wearing.

"Could you please get rid of these things," Price tells the usboy as he gestures toward the Bellinis.

"Wait, Tim," Van Patten says. "Cool out. Iii drink them."

"Eurotrash, David)" Price explains. "Eurotrash."

"You can have mine, Van Patten," I say.

 "Wait," McDermott says, holding the busboy back. "I’m keeping mine too."

 "Why?" Price asks. "Are you trying to entice that Armenian chick over by the bar?"

"What Armenian chick?" McDermott asks, exasperated, craning his neck.

"Oh Jesus. Fuck off, you faggots." Van Patten sighs.
The maitre d’ stops by to say hello to McDermott, then notices we don’t have our complimentary Bellinis, and runs off before any of us can stop him. I’m not sure how McDermott knows Alairi so well—maybe Cecelia?—and it slightly pisses me
off but I decide to even up the score a little bit by showing everyone my new business card. I pull it out of my gazelleskin wallet (Barney’s, $850) and slap it on the table, waiting for reactions.

"What’s that, a gram?" Price says, not apathetically.

"New card." I try to act casual about it but Fm smiling proudly. "What do you think?"

"Whoa," McDermott says, lifting it up, fingering the card, genuinely impressed. "Very nice. Take a look." Be hands it to Van Patten.

"Picked them up from the printer’s yesterday," I mention.

"Cool coloring," Van Patten says, studying the card closely.

"That’s bone," I point out. "And the lettering is something called Silian Rail."

"Silian Rail?" McDermott asks.

"Yeah. Not bad, huh?"

"It is very cool, Bateman," Van Patten says guardedly, the jealous bastard, "but that’s nothing He pulls out his wallet and slaps a card next to an ashtray. "Look at this."
We all lean over and inspect David’s card and Price quietly says, "That’s really nice." A brief spasm of jealousy Courses through me when 1? notice the elegance of the color and the classy type. I clench my fist as Van Patten says, smugly, "Eggshell with Homalian type. . ." He turns to me. "What do you think?"

"Nice," I croak, but manage to nod, as the busboy brings four fresh Bellinis.

"Jesus," Price says, holding the card up to the light, ignoring the new drinks. "This is really super. How’d a nitwit like you get so tasteful?"
I’m looking at Van Patten’s card and then at mine and cannot believe that Price actually likes Van Patten’s better. Dizzy, I sip my drink then take a deep breath.

‘But wait," Price says. "You ain’t seen nothin’ yet He pulls his out of an inside coat pocket and slowly, dramatically turns it over for our inspection and says, "Mine."
Even I have to admit it’s magnificent.
Suddenly the restaurant seems far away, hushed, the noise distant, a meaningless hum, compared to this card, and we all hear Price’s words: "Raised lettering, pale nimbus white

"Holy shit," Van Patten exclaims. "I’ve never seen "Nice, very nice," I have to admit. "But wait. Let’s see Montgomery’s."
Price pulls it out and though he’s acting nonchalant, I
don’t see how he can ignore its subtle off-white coloring, its tasteful thickness. I am unexpectedly depressed that I started this.

 "Pizza. Let’s order a pizza," McDermott says. "Doesn’t anyone want to split a pizza? Red snapper? Mmmmim. Bateman wants that," he says, rubbing his hands eagerly together.
I pick up Montgomery’s card and actually finger it, for the sensation the card gives off to the pads of my fingers.

 "Nice, huh?" Price’s tone suggests he realizes I’m jealous.

 "Yeah," I say offhandedly, giving Price the card like I don’t give a shit, but I’m finding it hard to swallow.

 "Red snapper pizza," McDermott reminds me. "i’m fucking starving."

 "No pizza," I murmur, relieved when Montgomery’s card is placed away, out of sight, back in Timothy’s pocket.

 "Come on," McDermott says, whining. "Let’s order the red snapper pizza."

 "Shut up, Craig," Van Patten says, eyeing a waitress taking a booth’s order. "But call that hardbody over."

 "But she’s not ours," McDermott says, fidgeting with the menu he’s yanked from a passing busboy.

 "Call her over anyway," Van Patten insists. "Ask her for water or a Corona or something."

"Why her?" I’m asking no one in particular. My card lies on the table, ignored next to an orchid in a blue glass vase. Gently I pick it up and slip it, folded, back into my wallet.

‘She looks exactly like this girl who works in the Georgette lUinger section of Bloomingdale’s," Van Patten says. "Call her Over"

"Does anyone want the pizza or not?" McDermott’s getting

"How would you know?’ I ask Van Patten.

‘I buy Kate’s perfume there," he answers.
Price’s gestures gather the table’s attention. "Did I forget to tell everyone that Montgomery’s a dwarf?"

"Who’s Kate?" I say.

"Kate is the chick who Van Patten’s having the affair with," Price explains, staring back at Montgomery’s table.

"What happened to Miss Kittridge?" I ask.

"Yeah," Price smiles. "What about Amanda?"

"Oh god, guys, lighten up. Fidelity? Right."

"Aren’t you afraid of diseases?" Price asks.

"From who, Amanda or Kate?" I ask.

"I thought we agreed that we can’t get it." Van Patten’s voice rises. "So-o-o-o . , . shithead. Shut up."

"Didn’t I tell you—"
Four more Bellinis arrive. There are now eight Bellinis on the table.

"Oh my god," Price moans, trying to grab at the busboy before he scampers off.

"Red snapper pizza . .. red snapper pizza.. ." McDermott has found a mantra for the evening.

"We’ll soon become targets for horny Iranian chicks," Price drones.

"It’s like zero zero zero percentage whatever, you know— are you listening?" Van Patten asks.
-snapper pizza . . . red snapper pizza . . ." Then McDermott slams his hand on the table, rocking it. "Goddamnit, isn’t anybody listening to me?"
I’m still tranced out on Montgomery’s card—.the classy co!oring, the thickness, the lettering, the print—and I suddenly raise a fist as if to strike out at Craig and scream, my voice booming, "No one wants the fucking red snapper pizza A pizza should be yeasty and slightly bready and have a cheesy crust! The crusts here are too fucking thin because the shithead chef who cooks here overbakes everything! The pizza is dried out and brittle!" Red-faced, I slam my Bellini down on the table and when I look up our appetizers have arrived. A hardbody waitress stands looking down at me with this strange, glazed expression. I wipe a hand over my face, genially smiling up at her. She stands there looking at me as if I were some kind of monster— she actually looks scared—and I glance over at Price—for what? guidance?~and he mouths "Cigars" and pats his coat pocket.
McDermott quietly says, "I don’t think they’re brittle."

"Honey," I say, ignoring McDermott, taking an arm and pulling her toward me. She flinches but I smile and she lets me pull her closer. "Now we’re all going to eat a nice big meal here—" I start to explain.

"But this isn’t what I ordered," Van Patten says, looking at his plate. ‘I wanted the mussel sausage."

"Shut up." I shoot him a glance then calmly turn toward the ~ardbody, grinning like an idiot, but a handsome idiot. "No— listen, we are good customers here and we’re probably going to order some fine brandy, cognac, who knows, and we want to relax and bask in this"—I gesture with my arm—’atmosphere. Now "—with the other hand I pull out my gazelleskin wallet—. "we would like to enjoy somefine Cuban cigars afterwards and we don’t want to be bothered by some lout ish—"

"Loutish." McDermott nods to Van Patten and Price.

"Loutish and inconsiderate patrons or tourists who are inevitably going to complain about our innocuous little habit.
. . So’ ‘—I press what I hope is fifty into a small-boned hand—"if you could make sure we aren’t bothered while we do, we would gratefully appreciate it." I rub the hand, closing it into a fist over the bill. "And if anyone complains, well," I pause, "then warn menacingly, "Kick ‘em out." She nods mutely and backs away with this dazed, confused look on her face.

"And," Price adds, smiling, "if anoth. round of Belliinis comes within a twenty-foot radius of this table we are going to set the maitre d’ on fire. So, you know, warn him."

After a long silence during which we contemplate our appetizers Van Patten speaks up. "Bateman?"

"Yes?" I fork a piece of monkfish, push it into some of the golden caviar, then place the fork back down.

"You are pure prep perfection," he purrs.
Price spots another waitress approaching with a tray of four champagne flutes filled with pale pinkish liquid and says, "Oh for Christ sakes, this is getting Miraculous. She sets them down, however, at the table next to us, for the four babes.

"She is hot," Van Patten says, ignoring his scallop sausage. "Hardbody." McDermott nods in agreement. "Definitely." "I’m not impressed," Price sniffs. "Look at her knees."
While the hardbody stands there we check her out, and
though her knees do support long, tan legs, 1 can’t help noticing that one knee is, admittedly, bigger than the other one. The left knee is knobbier, almost imperceptibly thicker than the right knee and this unnoticeable flaw now seems overwhelming and we all lose interest. Van Patten is looking at his appetizer, stunned, and then he looks at McDermott and says, "That isn’t what you ordered either. That’s sushi, not sashimi."

"Jesus," McDermott sighs. "You don’t come here for the food anyway."
Some guy who looks exactly like Christopher Lauder comes over to the table and says, patting me on the shoulder, "Hey Hamilton, nice tan," before walking into the men’s room.

"Nice tan, Hamilton," Price mimics, tossing tapas onto my bread plate.

"Oh gosh," I say, "hope I’m not blushin’."

"Actually, where do you go, Bateman?" Van Patten asks. "For a tan."

"Yeah, Bateman. Where do you go?" McDermott seems genuinely intrigued.

"Read my lips," I say, "a tanning salon," then irritably, "like everyone else."

"I have," Van Patten says, pausing for maximum impact, "a tanning bed at. ..home," and then he takes a large bite out of his scallop sausage.

"Oh bullshit," I say, cringing.

"It’s true," McDermott confirms, his mouth full. "I’ve seen it."

"That is fucking outrageous," I say.

"Why the hell is it fucking outrageous?" Price asks, pushing tapas around his plate with a fork.

"Do you know how expensive a fucking tanning salon membership is?" Van Patten asks me. "A membership for a year?"

"You’re crazy," I mutter.

"Look, guys," Van Patten says. "Bateman’s indignant."

Suddenly a busboy appears at our table and without asking if we’re finished removes our mostly uneaten appetizers. None of us complain except for McDermott, who asks, "Did he just take our appetizers away?" and then laughs uncomprehendirigly. But when he sees no one else laughing he stops.

"lie took them away because the portions are so small he probably thought we were finished," Price says tiredly.

"I just think that’s crazy about the tanning bed," I tell Van patten, though secretly I think it would be a hip luxury except I really have no room for one in my apartment. There are things one could do with it besides getting a tan.

"Who is Paul Owen with?" I hear McDermott asking Price’

"Some weasel from Kicker Peabody," Price says distractedlv. "He knew McCoy."

"Then why is he sitting with those dweebs from Drexel?" McDermott asks. ‘isn’t that Spencer Wynn?"

"Are you freebasing or what?" Price asks. "That’s not Spencer Wynn.
I look over at Paul Owen, sitting in a booth with three other guys—one of whom could be Jeff Duvall, suspenders, slicked-back hair, horn-rimmed glasses, all of them drinking champagne—and I lazily wonder about how Owen got the Fisher account. It makes me not hungry but our meals arrive almost immediately after our appetizers are taken away and we begin to eat. McDermott undoes his suspenders. Price calls him a slob. I feel paralyzed but manage to turn away from Owen and stare at my plate (the potpie a yellow hexagon, strips of smoked salmon circling it, squiggles of pea-green tomatillo sauce artfully surrounding the dish) and then I gaze at the waiting crowd. They seem hostile, drunk on complimentary Bellinis perhaps, tired of waiting hours for shitty tables near the open kitchen even though they had reservations. Van Patten interrupts the silence at our table by slamming his fork down and pushing his chair back.

"What’s wrong?" I say, looking up from my plate, a fork poised over it, but my hand will not move; it’s as if it appreciated the plate’s setup too much, as if my hand had a mind of its own and refused to break up its design. I sigh and put the fork down, hopeless.

"Shit. I have to tape this movie on cable for Mandy." He Wipes his mouth with a napkin, stands up. "I’ll be back."

"Have her do it, idiot," Price says. "What are you, demented?"

"She’s in Boston, seeing her dentist." Van Patten shrugs, pussywhipped.

"What in the hell are you going to do?" My voice wavers. I’m still thinking about Van Patten’s card. "Cal] up HBO?"

"No," he says. "I have a touch-tone phone hooked up to program a Videonics VCR programmer I bought at Hammacher Schlemmer." He walks away puffing his suspenders up.

"How hip," I say tonelessly.

"Hey, what do you want for dessert?" McDermott calls out.

"Something chocolate and flourless," he shouts back.

"Has Van Patten stopped working out?" I ask. "He looks puffy."

"It looks that way, doesn’t it," Price says.

"Doesn’t he have a membership at the Vertical Club?" I ask.

"I don’t know," Price murmurs, studying his plate, then sitting up he pushes it away and motions to the waitress for another Finlandia on the rocks.
Another hardbody waitress approaches us tentatively, bringing over a bottle of champagne, Perrier-Jouet, nonvintage, and tells us it’s complimentary from Scott Montgomery.

"Nonvintage, that weasel," Price hisses, craning his neck to 2? find Montgomery’s table. "Loser." He gives him a thumbs-up sign from across the room. "The flicker’s so short I could barely j see him. I think I gave thumbs-up to Conrad. I can’t be sure

"Where’s Conrad?" I ask. "I should say hello to him."

"The dude who called you Hamilton," Price says.

"That wasn’t Conrad," I say.

"Are you sure? It looked a helluva lot like him," he says but he’s not really listening; he blatantly stares at the hardbody 4 waitress, at exposed cleavage as she leans down to get a firmer grip on the bottle’s cork.

___ "No. That wasn’t Conrad,’ I say, surprised at Price’s inability to recognize co-workers- "That guy had a better haircut."
We sit in silence while the hardbody pours the champagne Once she leaves, McDermott asks if we liked the food. I tell him the potpie was fine but there was way too much tomatillo sauce. McDermott nods, says, "That’s what I’ve heard."
Van Patten returns, mumbling, "They don’t have a good bathroom to do coke in."

‘Dessert?" McDermott suggests.

"only if I can order the Bellini sorbet," Price says, yawning.

"How about just the check," Van Patten says.

‘Time to go bird-dogging, gentlemen? I say.
The hardbody brings the check over. The total is $475, much less than we expected. We split it but I need the cash so I put it on my platinum AmEx and collect their bills, mostly fresh fifties. McDermott demands ten dollars back since his scallop sausage appetizer was only sixteen bucks. Montgomery’s bottle of champagne is left at the table, undrunk. Outside Pastels a different bum sits in the street, with a sign that says 5omething completely illegible. He gently asks us for some change and then, more hopefully, for some food.

"That dude needs a facial real bad," I say.

"Hey McDermott," Price cackles. "Throw him your tie."

"Oh shit. What’s that gonna get him?" I ask, staring at the bum.

"Appetizers at Jams." Van Fatten laughs. He gives me high-five.

"Dude," McDermott says, inspecting his tie, clearly offended.

"Oh, sorry ... cab," Price says, waving down a cab."... and a beverage."

"Off to Tunnel," McDermott tells the driver.

"Great, McDermott," Price says, getting in the front seat. "You sound really excited."

"So what if I’m not some burned-out decadent faggot like yourself," McDermott says, getting in ahead of me.

"Did anyone know cavemen got more fiber than we do?" Price asks the cabdriver.

"Hey, I heard that too," McDermott says.

‘Van Patten," I say. "Did you see the comp bottle of champagne Montgomery sent over?"

"Really?" Van Patten asks, leaning over McDermott. "Let me guess. Perrier-Jou~t?"

"Bingo," Price says. "Nonvintage."

"Fucking weasel," Van Patten says.