Title: Hold On
Disclaimer: Not mine. Paramount’s. The song at the end is "Hold On," by Sarah MacLachlan
Thanx: There is a long drawn out reason why I’m thanking you for this one, but thanks a ton Lei. IWALU.
Timeframe: Haven’t put that much thought into it.
Note: This was going to be a Christmas related present to a friend. It was late.
Summary: That would totally give it away.
Rating: PG-13 angst

~~~~~

I walked into Sickbay, knowing what I was going to see. I knew it in the sense that I knew he was injured. And I also knew what the Doctor was going to tell me. I don't know how I knew, I just knew.

"Captain, I take it you wonder about Commander Chakotay?"
"Yes, Doctor."

I heard him take a sigh, and knew it wasn't good. The Doctor sighing before giving a diagnosis has never been a good thing in the past, and probably wasn't going to start to become a good thing anytime soon.

"As you know, he was shot by one of the Vakuri footsoldiers," I nodded, it was old news. "I haven't been able to figure out what type of weapon it was, there's an energy signature that isn't in any Federation database, and I have B'Elanna and Seven working on it. The weapon is designed to kill on impact, I know that much. However, the soldier apparently misfired, and hit Chakotays midsection, instead of his chest, where it would do the most damage."

"Doctor. I know all of this. Please, tell me how he is, not how it happened."

"Whatever you say. He has severe internal bleeding, lost a lot of brain cells, his brain is functioning irratically, if at all, and his body is being kept alive by the computer. There is little to no chance of survival."

My brain shouted "NO! It can't be! The Doctor's wrong, Kathryn, and you know it." I think the Doctor saw the pain in my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Captain." He walked back to his office, and sent himself to the holodeck, attempting to recreate the situation, again. He also knew that I would want some time alone, with Chakotay.

Slowly, I walked over to Chakotay's bed. The stasis cover was gone, the Doctor had long ago realized that it wouldn't help. I took Chakotay's hand, and tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill over.

"Chakotay. I don't know if you can hear me or not. If you can hear me, listen. If not, listen anyway. You are going to live to fight another battle. You will live and continue as my first officer. You have to fight this. Only you know what's going on inside of your body right now, and only you can fix it. I need you Chakotay. Now more than ever. This Vakuri thing isn't turning out to be as easy as I had hoped. They claim you were trespassing on sacred ground, but there was no way you could have known that," I knelt down beside him. "Every day I see you in here, I blame myself. I think of other ways I could have done things. I could have gone myself, I should have gone, Tuvok could have gone instead of you. Millions of different ways. I need you to hold on. Hold on to whatever you have left, please. If not for me, for you, for the crew, for B'Elanna. Please. Keep fighting like I know you can. Please, Chakotay, just please, hold on until we can find a cure." The tears were by now streaming down my face, I couldn't hold them back any longer. I set my head on his hand. "Gods, Chakotay. I miss you so much. I need you to keep fighting, and hold on. I know you can." I gently took his hand again, and stood up. I placed a slight kiss on his lips, my tears falling to his face. I traced his tattoo, lightly. "I love you," I whispered. I let go of his hand, as much as I didn't want to. I backed away from his bed, crying harder. I eventually got to the door, and went out.

I didn't care if the crew saw me as uncomposed as I was; eyes red and puffy, cheeks tear stained, hair completely out of place. I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand, and sniffled. It took a lot of effort, too much effort, to keep the tears back, until I reached the door to my quarters. I keyed in the entry code, and walked in. I threw myself onto my bed, and cried harder than I ever have into my pillow. A picture of Chakotay and I from New Earth stood on my nightstand, and looked on. Sobs literally racked my body, and I cried until it hurt. I fell asleep, the wet pillow cushioning my head. I never wanted to wake up, dreading a call from the Doctor, and an announcment to the crew that I desperately didn't want to make.

That call came, the next morning at 0324. I politely thanked the Doctor for letting me know. I took a deep breath, and tried to compose myself. "All hands this is the Captain. As you know, Commander Chakotay has been severely injured. I have gotten a notice from the Doctor that at 0320 this morning, Commander Chakotay died. I am very sorry to have to bring this news to you." I ended the transmission, curled up in my blanket and cried myself to sleep, not really caring anymore.

~~~~~

Hold on. Hold on to yourself.
For this is gonna hurt like hell.
Hold on. Hold on to yourself.
You know that only time can tell,
What is it in me that refuses to believe,
This isn’t easier than the real thing.
My love, you know that you’re my best friend,
You know that I’d do anything for you and my love,
Let nothing come between us,
My love for you is strong and true.
Am I in heaven here or am I…
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you’re sleeping peaceful,
I lie awake and pray that you’ll be strong tomorrow
And will see another day
And we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile across your face.
Oh God if you’re out there won’t you hear me.
I know we’ve never talked before and
Oh God the man I love is leaving,
Won’t you take him when he comes to your door,
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell,
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you’re sleeping peacful
I lie awake and pray that you’ll be strong tomorrow
And we will see another day
And we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile across your face.
Hold on, hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell.