Hello and welcome. My on-line name is Kate and I created this page because I am writing a book to give men some realistic and down to earth dating and relationship advice for the 90's and I would love to hear what you have to say. Why am I writing this book, you ask? There are no longer any rules for the dating game. Virtually anything goes! But it wasn't always this way. At one time there were unspoken "rules" for dating and courtship. Even though everyone didn't necessarily adhere to them, they at least established general parameters that we could take for granted. This lent a certain amount of clarity to dating. But those rules have now all gone by the wayside, leaving many of us confused. As a result, a lot of men are lost; If they open a door for one woman she may be impressed that he is a gentleman, open that same door for another woman and she may be insulted because she is capable of opening her own doors.
The book includes advice such as how to handle situations like this, as well as how to meet women and ask them out on a date. What's my advice? Be honest and leave worn out lines (What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? etc.) at home! Women accept dates not because of these lines, but rather in spite of them! The book goes on to include advice on first dates, fun date ideas, first kisses, the do's and don'ts of gift giving, and breaking up, just to name a few topics.
Some Notes From Kate
Each month, I will select an undetermined number of questions and answer them, for free, in my column. (The number depends on the questions I receive, as well as the amount of extra time I have on
hand!) So, if you have a question about a relationship that is just beginning, simply Ask Me
then check back for your personal answer. You might try reading the Frequently Asked Questions column first, as a lot of you have been duplicating questions I have already answered.
Curious about me? Then check out About Kate. It's a page with info. about me and a list of awards this page has won.
Want to chat with me? You can if you have PowWow (and I happen to be on PowWow at the same time). Just make sure you have it up and running before clicking here! PowWow with Kate. If you don't have PowWow you can download it from the PowWow Home Page.
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Dear Kate,
Dear E.H.,
The truth is that there is no singular answer to this. Not all women have the same taste. Some women will be turned off by a man who is balding, while others will be turned on by a balding man. Attraction is a funny thing and it's as diverse as the female population.
I think that you should do what makes you happy. Be who you are, not what you think women will like. For example, if you like to open doors for your dates, then open them. If your date does not like to have her doors opened by a gentleman, she is not right for you! Find a woman who appreciates who you are. Likewise, if balding is really a problem for you, then I suggest you continue to look for solutions such as a hair transplant. Just keep in mind that all you will be doing is changing the women who will be attracted to you from women who like balding men (like myself) to women who do not. Both types do exist, so I stress, do what makes you happy.
Dear Kate,
Dear Lost in Love,
Dear Kate,
Dear Feeling Used and Abused,
Dear Kate,
Dear Stuck At Hi,
Dear Kate,
I would appreciate it if you could post my e-mail address and name because I would like responses from other people also. E-Mail Richard
Dear Richard,
As far as why they come running to you, I can only guess that you don't end your relationships completely, but rather, stay friends afterwards. They probably come to you because you have dated them and know what they are like in a relationship. So you would understand what the other man went through while dating them and can possible help them understand why this other man did what he did with/to them. Who better to ask than an ex-boyfriend? Get it?
Dear Kate,
Dear Losing Myself,
Second, I suggest that you get counseling. Make sure that the therapist you work with is good and that you are comfortable with him. Those are extremely important. I went through 5 different professional therapists until I found one who was good and I was comfortable talking to. In therapy, find out why you were/are attracted to an abusive personality type! Until you find out and change it, you will continue to be attracted to abusive women. I did it and now I am in a relationship with a non-abusive man. It took over a year of counseling, but I did it and I'm proud of myself for it!! You can do it too!
Dear Kate,
Dear Ken,
Dear Kate,
p.s. your site rules!
Dear Tony,
Dear Kate,
Dear Single Dad,
Dear Kate,
Dear Lost and Found,
Dear Kate,
Dear Just Curious,
Dear Kate,
Dear Hopefully Found the ONE,
Dear Kate,
Dear Still Unsure Of Himself,
Dear Kate,
Dear New At This Again,
Take me to Frequently Asked Questions
I have no idea how I've stumbled on your page, but it was interesting, so I
decided to fire a question at you. I'll try to keep it brief.
I'm a 37 yr. old fairly handsome engineer working outside of Boston. I'm well
educated, have a good/well paying job, nice car, own my house, financially
secure, I work out, easy to get along with, outgoing...etc. I've had my share
of relationships that didn't work out for one reason or another, and a couple
of "near walk down the aisles". The problem is that I'm losing my hair
(becoming way worse than receding), and it's really starting to bother my
self-esteem, especially around women, and how I interact with people. I know
it sounds crazing, but I know I'm not alone. Most men losing their hair
don't like to talk about it or say it doesn't bother them when it truly does.
I'm not one of them.
The question is, what do women really feel? Is a man losing his hair that
much of a turn-off? Honest answers only please. And please don't say, "as
long as the man is comfortable with who he is, it doesn't matter how much
hair he has" because I am pretty comfortable with who I am, it's what my
appearance is doing that bothers me. I know it is affecting my meeting
eligible women.
As you can tell, I am really struggling with this. In fact, it bothers me so
much that I am seriously considering hair transplantation procedures. I have
looked into it over the past few years and the technology has really
advanced. Although expensive, I think it would have a dramatic positive
effect on me. (Rogaine simply doesn't work for the majority of men and
women.)
Here's where you use your psych. background right? What are your thoughts? I'm
just looking for a sounding board that's all.
Thanks in advance,
You didn't read my FAQ page before submitting you question, did you? I have answered this question in my FAQ, but I continue to receive this same question every day from different men so I will answer it again, here.
I have been reading your web page now for a couple of months. It is very nice and I like it a lot. My question is I have been dating this girl now for 9 months.
She is the greatest thing in the world to me. Well we talk about getting married all of the time. I just got
out of a marriage 2 years ago which was awful. Well I love her very much and how do I know if this is the one that I will spend the rest of my life with? Should I ask now or wait?
If you are not sure, and obviously you're not or you wouldn't be asking for my advice, I think you should wait. When the day comes that you have no questions about whether or not the time is right (and whether or not she is the one) then it's the right time to propose, and not before.
I just started to see this girl who was my friend for 2-3 months. And I really do like her a lot! But while
we were cuddling in her room she told me that she didn't want a relationship. She said "NO STRINGS
ATTACHED." It killed me on the inside. And I can't stop feeling like I'm being used. She says she is
afraid of being hurt...but I am hurt. And I don't know what to say. Should I just walk away or sit and wait
for her to find a new man?
Talk to her about what you want in a relationship. Explain that you are not looking for a "no strings attached" relationship. Listen to what she wants and then decide what you should do together. When in doubt, communication is the answer!
I have gotten to know a girl that I've been interested in for quite a while, I want to ask her out, I know she will say yes, but don't know what to say how, where, when... I want to just take her for a movie once but am unsure if that will do? I'd appreciate any advice.
There are many ways you can ask her out. If you see her regularly, then ask her if she'd like to go see a movie this weekend. Or you could call her on the phone and ask. For more details, see my FAQ page and good luck.
Well I don't know if you can understand this because I really don't. I don't pick out girls from looks, class, or what people think about them. Every girl I have dated always states that "I was the best thing
that ever happened to them." I keep them happy mentally and every other way that I can think of, but I always get hurt in the end. They go off with another person, but every single time they have come back crying to me. It hurts like hell. I am not asking you to find the answer to everything I think that is something people find inside, but why is it that women say that they are tired of finding the wrong guys (pigs), and when they find the right one they do to that person that they love so much that has happened to them in the past.
I'm happy to post your e-mail address. I will leave it up for a couple of months. I know that a relationship ending hurts. Keep in mind that every relationship you have will end until the find the one you will marry. Try to take the hurt and learn something from it so that it has a positive side.
From your bio it seems like you are the one to talk to about abuse since you were very clear about what caused your divorce. My question is one of desperation. My girlfriend is abusive. She has verbally abused me to the point of me crying and begging her to stop. She has caused me to hit her after breaking my nose, giving me a black eye, and two bloody lips. She wouldn't let me leave (she just followed me, even in the car) and I had to hit her back to stop her. I am miserable. She won't leave my house and I'm told that since she pays me rent, I have to go through the courts using the formal process of eviction (very expensive). I feel terrible about hitting her (on the arm) too. How do I deal with what I have done, and my belief that it's never OK to hit a woman? Was I right or wrong? I am a divorced, 42-year old male. I've never said a hateful thing to anyone before, much less hit someone.
First, I suggest that you take steps to get her out of your life. If she won't leave, then you move. If you are both on a lease, ask the lease holder to remove your name as you are moving out. Most apartments and individuals will do this because they are not losing their lease, just one party from it. If you own the home, then spend the money to go through the courts and have her evicted. Be sure and get a restraining order so she can't do damage to the property or you for that matter. My guess is that once she sees that you are serious about the legal eviction, she will go ahead and leave on her own. Also, if she not on a lease, have you checked into getting a restraining order for reasons of physical abuse? If you are given one by the judge, she can't come within so many feet of you unless she wants to go to jail. If she can't come near you, how is she supposed to live there or even give you rent money? She can't. She will have to move or go to jail for violating the restraining order.
My girlfriend always thinks I am going to dump her. I tell her that I won't. A lot of the time we talk about
sex but all we do is just play around. I would like to have sex but I don't think we are mature enough to
handle it. She is 12 and I am 15. And for the way she acts their is no way in hell that she acts like
she is twelve. My question is I think my girlfriend really doesn't love me as much as she says she does.
And I want to know when you think the right time for sex is. We've been going out for 7 months.
Sex is an expression of love and intimacy between two people who are ready for that level of intimacy. Usually, that level of intimacy can only be reached while two people are in a safe relationship where they are comfortable, like a marriage. If your girlfriend is scared of you dumping her, you shouldn't even be thinking about sex with her. And the fact that you are 15 and she is 12 is a BIG reason to wait. She may not act 12, but remember she is 12. I think you should wait until you are both older and more mature. Ignore what your friends are doing and do what is right for you. Wait I know a lot of people who lost their virginity during their teens. I am one of them and I regret it today. When I got married and had sex with my husband, I learned what sex really is between two people. There is an emotional aspect to sex that can make it special or a nightmare. When you start having sex, you have to worry about so many things like having a baby (look at all the pregnant teens today - it does happen) and sexually transmitted diseases. The truth is, today, sex can kill you. Literally. Kill you, as in dead. That's scary. And the function of sex is to create a baby. Anytime you have sex, you might be creating a baby. Even condoms aren't 100% safe. Did you know that 10 out of every 100 condoms sold are defective? How do you know if the one you use is one of those 10? My husband and I didn't know when we used condoms and we had a baby! Yes, that's right, I got pregnant while using a condom. It can and does happen. And if a girl is on the pill, don't assume that she won't get pregnant! If the dose isn't correct for her, it can happen. Take it from me, I also got pregnant while on the pill! I didn't miss a day, it was just the wrong pill for my body (there are lots of pills a doctor can choose from and they all have different levels of hormones in them). I had a miscarriage which required surgery and a week in the hospital. It was an emotional nightmare. So when I say that sex has an emotional side that can be a nightmare, listen to me. I know what I'm talking about. Please wait until you are ready before you start having sex. The good emotions that come with sex can be so wonderful, but only if you wait until you are older, more mature, and in the right relationship. Consider marriage for your first time. It's worth the wait!
I know love as I have physical manifestations of it daily -- my arms prickle, eyes water, and heart backflips within my chest. I LOVE this wonderful person! My question is: "How can I illustrate my overwhelmingly intense feelings for this woman??" I buy her flowers all the time, I write many poems for her (and they are pretty good I might add), and I have composed and recorded a piano ballad for her onto a CD. I even stayed up late, snuck over to her apartment complex, and drew a mural of us enjoying mutual activities on the courtyard ground with sidewalk chalk! DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE IDEAS like these? Please help! I will do anything for this girl! THANK YOU!
Thanks for the compliment! Sorry, I don't have any more ideas for you. But if you come up with some, please e-mail me and let me know. You are obviously a very creative person and it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of illustrating your feelings. Just be sure you also show how you feel about her by how you treat her and how you treat her feelings.
I am a single dad, recently divorced, pushed back out into the dating scene. I was married for seven years and reluctantly dating again. I enjoyed being married, unfortunately my wife didn't. Went through all the
stages of divorce conflicts with children and am ready to go on with my life being a single full time dad. Yet, I am having trouble with this dating stuff again. Kate, it is a jungle out there. I am 29 years old,
feeling as if I am in a he-man competition to win the perfect mate. Is romance dead, is chivalry dead? Instead of being honest, it seems you have to play all the little games; call backs, hard to get, easy, bar scene, clubs, dress this, walk that, self projection, personality traits, wait this period, first dates. Wow! It seems everybody is wearing a mask. Now that I have vented, how does a 29 year old single dad, get out there and date again? Broad question, but honest.
Allow me to welcome you to the jungle! (At least part of the jungle is friendly!) Romance and chivalry are only dead if you let them die. And I think playing games is stupid; they are counter-productive to any relationship. So don't play any. Get out there and be yourself. Do and say what feels right to you, while taking into account the others person's feelings. As far as your main question, it is too broad for me to answer here. Sorry, you'll have to wait for my book to be published. But do read my FAQ page. It should give you a starting point for now and good luck!
Why would a woman wear a ring on her right hand (third finger or the
ring finger) that looks like a wedding band or engagement ring. Is it
one of those or could it just be a ring passed down from her
grandmother? And she is right handed...
It could be anything. It could just be a ring she likes and she wears it on that finger because that's the finger it fits!
I would like to know why you only are interested in the questions of relationships between men and women, why not also between men and men or women and women
The answer is that it's what I know. I have no business giving advice on homosexual relationships because I know nothing about them. If I tried to give advice on those questions, it would not be good, solid, knowledgeable advice.
I have just started dating a wonderful girl. She stated to begin with that she would be dating other people. I said OK. Now she is dating me and one other person. I know that she likes me but how should I handle this? Should I still be around her when she is with this other guy. How do I keep her interested in me?
It's sounds like she is being honest with you and that's good. If she is still seeing you, then don't worry about keeping her interest because she is still interested! On how to handle it, first ask yourself if you want to be in a one-on-one relationship or if seeing several people is right for you at this point in your life. If seeing several people is okay, then continue to date her and see other people as well. If you are ready for an exclusive relationship and you want it with her, you will have to wait until she is also ready for an exclusive relationship. If she is dating around, it doesn't sound like she wants or is ready for that kind of relationship right now. Give it time and continue to talk about your relationship with her as you continue to date. In time it could very well grow into an exclusive relationship.
I'm hoping you can help me. I'm a recently divorced man in my early 50's, and I'm a little unsure of today's dating. I'm an average looking man, who is still basically in shape. Recently I've been talking to a very friendly and attractive women who is in her early 40's, who works in my office building. And I would like to ask her out. But my problem is do you think I have a chance with average looks, dating a very
attractive women who is about 10 years younger.
Yes. I think you stand an excellent chance! Dating after a divorce is hard. I know I was unsure of myself after my divorce! And to make things worse, no one asked me out for months! Talk about a self-esteem plummet!! So one day, I got up the courage and did something I had never done before -- I asked a man for a date instead of waiting for him to ask me. To my surprise he said yes and we had a wonderful, light relationship that lasted about 4 months. It was exactly what I needed after my divorce. Since then, many men have asked me out and I have found that self-confidence and how I project it has a lot to do with my success and failures in dating. It's food for thought. Good luck and welcome to the dating scene, otherwise known as the jungle. I hope you find a nice spot with a great view and a wonderful woman to share it
with :)
I'm getting back into the dating scene after being married for 20 years, what do I need to know about today's women? Do I still hold a door open for them? I'm getting ready for a first date, with a woman that is 10+ years younger than me what should I do? I do know her, she was one of my college students a few years ago. After the first date, do I call her or should she call me?
Welcome to dating in the 90's where there are no rules. If you like to open doors for your dates, then open their doors. My philosophy is that the right woman will appreciate you for who you are and how you treat her. I do think that a gentleman should call a lady the day after their date to thank her for a wonderful evening. During this call, if you are inclined to do so, you may ask her for a second date, but you don't have
to. For more of what I have to say on this subject, see my Frequently Asked Questions page and good luck with your date. I hope you have a wonderful time!
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Notice the lack of Dr. before my name. I am not a doctor (yet) or a
licensed therapist. This advice is just that, advice. I am not liable for any
outcomes if you decide to take my advice.
Copyright 1996, 1997.