Placed 327th: "They" say out of 354 metropolitan areas, the York area is the 327th nicest place to live--or the 28th worst, depending on how you look at it.
     In their assessment, "they" say we are much closer to Kankakee, Ill. -- considered the worst place to live -- than Salt Lake City, which is supposed to be the best.
     Either way, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel -- Altoona; Flint, Mich.; and Gary, Ind., all ranked higher than our fair city. (Ed. Note: "Our fair city?" Why would you purposely write things that sound like lines for Commissioner Gordon that were cut from the "Batman" script?)

Nice place to visit? And even among our neighbors, we essentially got our butts kicked.
     It's enough to give any self-respecting York countian an inferiority complex. Harrisburg, Lancaster, and Baltimore all ranked higher -- considerably higher -- than York. Our neighbors to the north came in 60th place; the Red Rose city placed 151st; and Baltimore, its high crime rate not withstanding, (sic) came in 34th, making it one of the nicest places to live in the country.
     The York metropolitan area in the rankings includes all of York and Adams counties in the assessment.
     Coincidentally, recently released U.S. Census estimates show York as the fastest-growing metropolitan area in the state. Between 1990 and 1999, the area's population grew by 9.9 percent to 373,600 people.

We are No. 1: "I just don't believe it," York County Commissioner Bob Minnich said when he heard of the Places Rated Almanac Ranking. "I've traveled all over the country, and while I love to see the world, I always love to get home."
     Minnich said it's all a matter of perception.
     "To me, it's number one."
     The writers of the book, published by MacMillan General Reference USA Inc., analyzed statistics in nine different categories: cost of living; fastest-growing job markets; crime; education; access to health care; culture; recreation; transportation and climate.

Confident: Tom Donley, president of the York County Chamber of Commerce, says the scoring pays big bonus points to the big metropolitan areas.
     Several years ago, the chamber analyzed the methodology used by Places Rate Almanac to understand the process. What they determined is that no points are given for living near areas of interest. So living a short drive away from the Baltimore Orioles counts for beans. The baseball team has to reside squarely in the metropolitan area.
     "It would be nice to be in the top rankings," Donley said. "But does it really matter? No." (Ed. Note: If it doesn't really matter, why is everyone so defensive?)
     "We have the confidence not to worry about these things."

What do they know? Even with our low crime rate -- in that category, we have a nice, safe, 23rd ranking -- they still don't like us. When it comes to crime, Baltimore is ranked 340th, one of the highest crime rates in the country.
     But what do these statisticians know of our rolling farmlands on crisp autumn afternoons, the sun glowing gold over our Pigeon Hills? (Ed. Note: I have lived in PA for 22 years and have never once heard of the Pigeon Hills before now.) Of our wooded trout streams and the county's two symphonies? What do they know of our Federal- and Victorian-style homes that line the streets of our city -- the first capital of the United States? (Ed. Note: Or so the Germans would have us believe. York was in fact a temporary capital during the time when the Articles of Confederation were drafted. Philadelphia was the first Constitutional capital of what later became the United States of America.) Of peppery chicken corn soup dished out by little old ladies at church barbecues?

Alphabet problem?: What do they know? Mayor Charlie Robertson thinks the answer to the question is: They don't know much.
     "York is spelled Y-O-R-K," Robertson said. (Ed. Note: The ability to spell the town you are mayor of is an important qualification)
     He suspects that because we fall at the end of the alphabet, the authors lose interest in the research by the time they get to us. (Ed. Note: Jesus, maybe the one-armed man is responsible for this!!)
     "Have they been to York? Do they know York?" Robertson asked. (Ed. Note: A question presumably cut from the article: "Can they spell York?")
     Fifteen years ago, the York metropolitan areas ranked 17th out of 329 areas -- a solidly mediocre score. Since then, we've fallen to the bottom.
     And while York doesn't boast a Guggenheim Museum or a National Gallery of art, "there is a lot of rich heritage and history in this area," said Laura Sullivan, director of marketing director (sic) and public relations for the Strand-Capitol Performing Arts Center For the arts. York (line missing due to poor scissor skills with original article) Lancaster ranked 113th and Harrisburg ranked 191st. Baltimore came in 17th.
     Sullivan said the arts community is working to make York a destination rather than a place to pass through on the way from Amish country to the Gettysburg battlefield.

Subjective Criteria: Harrisburg, meanwhile, is decidedly gracious in the wake of the results.
     Randy King, a spokesman for Mayor Stephen Reed, said "York is a great city with a great work ethic." (Ed. Note: Too bad "work ethic" wasn't one of the criteria.)
     "The truth is unless you're number one, it doesn't mean much." King said. "The criteria is often very subjective, they don't do any kind of ... in-depth analysis, and nobody should be placing any credibility in these things."
     As for whether a professional baseball team would enhance this city's standings, he paused briefly and offered, "York has tremendous recreational opportunities -- the absence of professional baseball not withstanding (sic)"

Dramatic Climate Changes: Strangely enough, researchers consider our climate much more harsh than the evidently mild winters of our neighbors. When it comes to climate, York ranks 224th. Baltimore ranks 108th; Harrisburg is 155th; and Lancaster is 175th.
     "Well, that's just ridiculous." Robertson said.
     "Well, they just plain don't know what they're talking about," Minnich said.
     When it comes to cost of living, York moves up the list a bit at 244th. It's not like we're living in Clarksville, Tenn. -- the cheapest place to live in the country. But it sure feels like we're a long way from New York City -- the most expensive place to live.
     When it comes to recreation, again the book doesn't think much of us. We received a 277th.
     The book considers the Red Rose City a "Dining Out Winner" and gave it a 222nd.
     The Harrisburg-Lebanon-Carlisle area gets a 137th ranking, in part due to its two professional sports teams -- the Hershey Bears and the Harrisburg Senators.
     When it comes to access to health care, we are ranked a dismal 333rd, despite the fact that York Hospital has been ranked among the nation's top hospital's (sic) for the past three years. And our education ranking is 319th.
     As far as jobs go, we are a healthy 191st, but Harrisburg ranks 67th.
     But Robertson says until "they" actually make it to York to visit us, nothing's going to change in the almanac.
     Quoting from his advertisements, Robertson said: "You don't have to believe me. See for yourself."

* * *

Yep, it's me again. Well, there you have it, folks--Bald-faced lies and denials even in the light of incontrovertible proof. And all based on the third-grade logic that "They're wrong because we say they're wrong." At least you learned one thing from this article: The correct way to spell "York."