Then he complained that he needed an wireless wilderness Internet connection because if his kids saw an interesting rock or plant next to his RV, he wanted to be able to look it up immediately. Well, I simply said, "Why don't you get a book?" I don't imagine he liked that too well, either.
Point Totals in Relationships
Martha Stewart's tips for rednecks
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table.no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Good, Better, Best
Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road
with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change..
Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
with another mailed photo - of handcuffs..
Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen's
Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was
a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left..
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
How Hot Is It In Hell? (A True Story from a Yale professor)
A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Second, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Theresa Banyan during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Disgusting questions and answers
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came
from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
Q: What do the gynecologist and the pizza delivery guy have
in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them
can eat
Q: How can you tell if you are at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl
Q: Why does a bride wear white?
A: Because the dishwasher should match the stove and the refrigerator.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs and roams Michael Jackson's dream every night?
A: Hanson
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you
done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw
Q: What do you call a dog with 4" legs and 6" steel balls? A: Sparky
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after three periods.
Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in kid's
underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs,
all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing and in theend, you
lose
your house
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party and a bitch
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the diff between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling. OH YEAH
Q:What has four legs and no ears?
A:Mike Tyson's dog
A Fable with a Moral -------------------- One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"More Clinton Bashing... ripped from today's headlines!!! -------------------------------------------------------- ´´We can afford to differ on the currency, the tariff, and foreign policy; but we cannot afford to differ on the question of honesty if we expect our republic permanently to endure. ... ´´Honesty is not so much a credit as an absolute prerequisite to efficient service to the public. Unless a man is honest, we have no right to keep him in public life; it matters not how brilliant his capacity. ... ´´The weakling and the coward cannot be saved by honesty alone; but without honesty, the brave and able man is merely a civic wild beast who should be hunted down by every lover of righteousness. ´´No man who is corrupt, no man who condones corruption in others, can possibly do his duty by the community. ... ´´´Liar´ is just as ugly a word as ´thief,´ because it implies the presence of just as ugly a sin in one case as in the other. If a man lies under oath or procures the lie of another under oath, if he perjures himself or suborns perjury, he is guilty under the statute law. ´´Under the higher law, under the great law of morality and righteousness, he is precisely as guilty if, instead of lying in a court, he lies in a newspaper or on the stump; and in all probability, the evil effects of his conduct are infinitely more widespread and more pernicious.´´ — Theodore Roosevelt circa 1900Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
MORE FACTS FOR YOUR STOREHOUSE OF USELESS KNOWLEDGE ---------------------------------------------------- ~ Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. ~ Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. ~ The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses. ~ There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. ~ The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. ~ A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. ~ There are more chickens than people in the world. ~ Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. ~ The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." ~ On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. ~ All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. ~ No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. ~ "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt." ~ All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. ~ Almonds are a member of the peach family. ~ Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. ~ Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. ~ There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. ~ Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"--and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A." ~ A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. ~ An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ~ Tigers have stripped skin, not just stripped fur. ~ In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. ~ Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. ~ The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross. ~ When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city. ~ The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life." ~ A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. ~ A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. ~ A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. ~ On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner. ~ It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!) ~ The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. ~ Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself. ~ In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. ~ The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz." ~ The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. ~ Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. ~ John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. ~ The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. ~ There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. ~ "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.Does this help? I work for the feds, you know. Subject: Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Reports) - performance appraisal for the military. * Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. * Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. * A room temperature IQ. * Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. * A gross ignoramus -144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. * A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. * A prime candidate for natural deselection. * Bright as Alaska in December. * One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. * Donated his body to science before he was done using it. * Fell out of the family tree. * Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. * Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it. * He's so dense, light bends around him. * If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. * If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. * If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. * If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean. * It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. * One neuron short of a synapse. * Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. * Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. * Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.Women's English --------------------------- Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Was that the baby?=Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. ******************* Men's English: ---------------------- "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!Amusing? Irrelevant Facts ------------------------- In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather. An average person laughs about 15 times a day. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones: Bhutan. Every person has a unique tongue print. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. Women's hearts beat faster than men's. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. Bubble gum contains rubber. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 1991. And, rightfully so. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. Mosquitoes have teeth. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray. (Can you?) Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. 27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. Aztec emperor Montezuma had nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement." Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN "I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works. "We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women." "That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up." Single? A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single." The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."Possibilities Abound as Barbie Turns 40 Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time to greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was intro- duced at Toy Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market. In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out,with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40? Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie: Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large- print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier- sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping any- more! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth- floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke. Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved -- wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless. and for the other side: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A Widow. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes. How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They are married. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." Direct Call to "Upstairs" ------------------------------------ The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56) The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabb refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insist, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42) The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call." BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1998 (All verified!) 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 17. War Dims Hope for Peace 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadTHINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY......... I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex Duct tape won't fix that Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken's We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? Who's Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She's too old to be wearing that bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college team. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. Elvis who? Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams -------------------------------------------------------- Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. Lewis Grizzard19 Ways to annoy peopleDate: Tuesday, July 21, 1998 11:39 AM Subject: New Information Hardware Alert! Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named BOOK. BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere, even sitting in an armchair by the fire, yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now. BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session, even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 2. In the memo field of all of your checks, write "for sensual massage". 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up". 5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think". 6. Practice making fax and modem noises. 7. Highlight irrelevant information in newspapers and "cc" them to your boss. 8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy". 9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way". 11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 13. Ask people what gender they are. 14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 16. Sing along at the opera. 17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". 19. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this. A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulett! e table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."The Limerick Challenge The only requirement: To use the name Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski. --Bill Ward Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want clues left like Kaczynski, You look such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. --Martha Thorrens Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than bombs in a letter Given the choice to be blown. --David Dieckmann There was a young girl called Lewinsky, Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski On Kenneth Starr's lap She confided, when trapped, "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky"*. --Deb Robertson & Dan Pacenti (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)
50 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE AN "ASIAN" 1. You were/are a good student with very high GPAs 2. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or finance 3. You have more than one college degrees, especially more than one Master's 4. If you play a musical instrument, it must be piano 5. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table 6. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil 7. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it 8. You beat eggs with chopsticks 9. You always leave outdoor shoes at the door 10. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack 11. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times 12. You boil water before drinking 13. You eat all meals in the kitchen to keep your dining room clean 14. You don't use measuring cups when preparing foods 15. You save grocery bags and use them to hold garbage 16. You have a rice cooker 17. You're a wok user 18. You fight over who pays the dinner bill 19. You wash rice 2-3 times before cooking it 20. You make sounds when you have a bowl of soup. 21. Your don't dry-clean cloths, even if they need to be dry-cleaned 22. You iron your own shirts 23. You like congee (Zhou1) with thousand year old eggs Song1Hua1) 24. You always cook yourself, even if you hate it 25. You use credit cards, and pay monthly bills in full 26. You keep most of your money in a savings account 27. You buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off 28. When you hand wash dishes, you only use cold water 29. You hate to waste food a) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing 30. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars 31. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses 32. When toilet paper is on sale, you buy 100 rolls and store them 33. You have a collection of miniature shampoo/conditioner bottles and little soap bars that you take every time you stay in a hotel 34. The condiments in your fridge are either Costco sized or come in plastic packets, which you "save" every time you get take out or go to McDonald's. 35. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes) 36. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table 37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself 38. When you go to a dance party, there is a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool. 39. Your house/apt. is always cold in winter, and hot in summer 40. Your mom drives her Mercedes to Costco or Sam's Club regardless how far it is, even if Safeway is next door. 41. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Directory Assistance costs 50 cents 42. You only make long distance calls after 11pm or during weekends 43. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached. 44. You never call your parents just to say hi. 45. You think ONLY Japanese can make good CARS! 46. You use a colored face cloth every morning 47. You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat places. 48. You've joined a CD club at least once 49. You never discuss your love life with your parents AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST 50. You take this message and forward it to all your Asian friends. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having 12 days of Christmas and 8 days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least 300 years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa if they have eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately , he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."No Good Turn...Zen Master & Hotdog/NY Vendor & Philosophy The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." <--- Punch Line #1 The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $50 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The Hotdog Vendor responds, "Change... must come from within." <--- Punch Line #2A Republican, a Democrat, and a Libertarian are eating lunch in a restaurant when a poor man walks in. Unbeknownst to any of them, it is Jesus. The Republican seeing that the Poor Man needs food summons the waiter and asks him to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab. The waiter does this. The Libertarian seeing that the Poor Man needs drink asks the waiter to please serve the poor man iced tea and put it on his tab. The waiter does this. The Democrat seeing that the Poor Man has no dessert then asks the waiter to bring the poor man some pecan pie with ice cream and put it on his tab. When Jesus is finished eating, he goes over to the Republican and says, "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat. I see that you are blind." He touches the man's eyes and they are healed. Jesus then goes over to the Libertarian and says, "I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink. Thank you. I see that you have a bad arm." He touches it and it is healed. Then Jesus walks over to the Democrat. But the Democrat moves far back from Jesus and yells, "Back off man! I'm on 100% disability!"Missionary in Africa
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a long moment then replies "Look, I'll make you a deal... you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."
Question: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 5,446 14 White House aids to appear on the Sunday morning news shows denying that the bulb is burned out. 8 White House aides to blame the previous administration. 4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited. 243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of burned-out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness. 1 First Lady to say that changing the light bulb takes a village. 9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a movie role in which they changed light bulbs. 15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it. 103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C. really knows how to change a light bulb. 1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new federal programs to prevent burned-out light bulbs, and that he has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his childhood in Arkansas. 42 Cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned-out bulb. 1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs. 1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of changing a light bulb. 2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly able to change their own light bulbs. 1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that can't be pinned on the Republicans. 1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no one else knows anything about. 5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications for light bulbs.A LITTLE HISTORY LESSON... Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost a child while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the real kicker, A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.Two trees are growing in the woods. Then one day a sapling grows between them. The first tree asks the other, "Hey, is that a son of a birch, or a son of a beech?" The second tree replies, "I don't know, but here comes a woodpecker, we can ask him." So they ask the woodpecker, "Mr.Woodpecker, you're an expert on trees, is that a son of a birch or a son of a beech?" The woodpecker flies down and tastes a little sap and flies back. He says "Gentlemen, take is neither a son of a birch nor a son of a beech, that is the finest piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in. ============================== Two atoms are siting in a bar, the first atom says, "I think I've lost an electron". The second atoms replies, "Are you sure" atom 1: "I'm positive" ============================== A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated soley by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?". The cowboy replied,"See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one." "That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, "You bunch of hippocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class." "That ain't the problem.", replied one cowboy, "That's the sheriff's gal you're with." ============================== Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement!!!???"The 2nd pagePoint Totals in Relationships A man wake up with a Score of (0). From then on, a man adds or substracts points throughout the day. Scores < 0 result in a night without romance. Simple Duties ----------------------------------------------------------- You make the bed.........................................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.................................................. 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..............-1 You leave the toilet seat up.............................-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty........ 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..................................................-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom............................................... -2 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners withwings....................................... +5 But return with beer.....................................-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night................ 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing........ 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something......+5 You pummel it with a six iron...........................+10 It's her father.........................................-10 Social Engagements ----------------------------------------------------------- You stay by her side the entire party.................... 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy............................-2 Named Tiffany............................................-4 Tiffany is a dancer......................................-6 Tiffany has implants.....................................-8 When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly............................................+1 When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump..........................-5 When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"............+1 When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"....................................................-6 That woman is her sister................................-90 You have one drink, and that's it........................ 0 You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle..................................................-2 You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted..........................................-18 Saturday Afternoon ----------------------------------------------------------- You go to the mall together..............................+3 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car............................................+4 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar...................................-2 You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it ................................................+3 You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.............................. ................ 0 You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ...+3 Most of it chips and beer ...............................-6 You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den................................................+15 Or refinishing the floors...............................+16 Or rewiring the basement................................+17 Or adding a second floor................................+18 Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket............................................ -6 And you're tickled pink about it........................-15 You visit her parents.................................... 0 You visit her parents and actually make conversation ....+3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television............................................. -3 And the television is off................................-6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear......................................... -6 And you didn't even go to college.......................-10 And it's not your underwear.............................-15 Her Birthday ----------------------------------------------------------- You take her out to dinner............................... 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ....+1 Okay, it is a sports bar.................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...........................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10 You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player................................................. +3 You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing........................................ +4 If you stink.............................................+2 If you're not half bad...................................+5 You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.......................... -2 You give her a gift...................................... 0 You give her a gift and it's a small appliance .........-10 You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ......+1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..............+2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months ................................................+30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day ...................................................-10 With her credit card....................................-30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big ...........-40 Thoughtfulness ----------------------------------------------------------- You forget her birthday completely......................-20 You forget your anniversary.............................-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station............-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey..........................-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.............-60 A Night Out With The Boys ----------------------------------------------------------- Go out with a pal .......................................-5 And the pal is happily married ..........................-4 Or frighteningly single .................................-7 And he drives a Mustang.................................-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..........-15 You have a few beers.....................................-9 And miss curfew by an hour..............................-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call..........-20 You get home at 3 am....................................-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ................................................-40 And not wearing any pants...............................-50 Is that a tattoo??.....................................-200 Her Night Out ----------------------------------------------------------- You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work........................................+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes homelate........................................+10 You wait up.............................................+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed............................................+20 A Night At Home ----------------------------------------------------------- You watch TV together.................................... 0 You rent a movie.........................................+2 You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY ...........+3 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout ..+5 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.............-1 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool...-2 A Night Out ----------------------------------------------------------- You take her to a movie..................................+2 You take her to a movie she likes........................+4 You take her to a movie you hate ........................+6 You take her to a movie you like.........................-2 It's called DeathCop 3...................................-3 Which features cyborgs having sex........................-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ..-15 Flowers ----------------------------------------------------------- You buy her flowers only when it's expected.............. 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....................................................+20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ..............................................+30 And she contracts Lyme disease...........................-2 Your Physique ----------------------------------------------------------- You develop a noticeable potbelly.......................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it..............................................+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.........................-5 Finances ----------------------------------------------------------- You spend a lot of money on something impractical........-5 Something she can't use.................................-10 Such a a motorized model airplane.......................-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday..........-40 Driving ----------------------------------------------------------- You lost the directions on a trip........................-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost.........-10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ..........-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.................................-25 You know them...........................................-60 The Big Question ----------------------------------------------------------- She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..............................-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding..............................-10 You reply, "Where?".....................................-35 Communication ----------------------------------------------------------- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression........ 0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV................................................+10 TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean): 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my DAD.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You ugly dork.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry's ice cream.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you're in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off the likes of you or I'd rather be gang raped by midgets or I'd rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire or when bats fly out of my butt.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.) TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN (and what they actually mean): 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) 1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)