"Harder..faster "
- Daft Punk
Matrix {Abridged Script}
Ergo! Concurrent! Vis-a-vis!
(this isn't our work, this was "acquired" from Total Film, a rather splendid movie magazine available in the UK)
FADE IN: INT.
THE REAL WORLD
(All the rebel ships head to ZION.
Nothing happens for a while. Characters talk to other characters.
Eventually, there is an 'erotic' rave scene, but it's so boring that the
AUDIENCE drifts off to sleep.)
AUDIENCE:
This is
what they're fighting to save? It sucks!
Wake us up when they're back in The Matrix...
(Evenutally, GLORIA FOSTER contacts KEANU REEVES and he visits her)
EXT. WELL-LIT,
NON-NOIR PARK
(KEANU sits down next to GLORIA FOSTER after fighting SING NGAI for no
good reason.)
GLORIA FOSTER:
Hello, Keanu. My dialogue this time around isn't anywhere near as well-written as the last time we talked, so let me cut to the chase. You need to find Randall Duk Kim.
(GLORIA leaves. Suddenly, a bunch of HUGO WEAVINGS show up. They FIGHT to VIDEO-GAME MUSIC. Despite all the enourmous hype, it is extremely clear when then scene switches to CGI mode.)
HUGO WEAVINGS:
Why are you using kung fu? Can't you jump inside us and delete us like in the last movie? Isn't that one of your super-awesome powers?
KEANU REEVES:
Nah, the only real new power I have is flight. Pretty weak, huh?
(He FIGHTS and FIGHT and FIGHTS and eventually gives up and FLIES AWAY)
INT. WELL-LIT,
NON-NOIR RESTAURANT
(LAURENCE FISHBURNE, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS AND KEANU REEVES enter the restaurant
and talk to MONICA BELLUCCI)
MONICA BELLUCCI:
I will give yu Randall Duk Kim if Keanu Reeves makes out with me.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE:
Christ. These are the kind of obstacles we must overcome to save Zion? Make out with Monica Bellucci? What will we have to do next, eat our way through a prison wall made of chocolate?
(MONICA helps them and they escape with RANDALL DUK KIM in a car. They are chased by TWO ALBINO RASTAFARIANS. More VIDEO-GAME MUSIC plays in the background.)
ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #1:
We are utterly pointless.
ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #2:
Yes, we are.
(EVentually, KEANU saves them all and the REVELS hatch a plan which is played out as it is discussed, in a wholly anti-climatic, rushed manner. KEANU then goes into a special ROOM.)
INT. WELL-LIT,
NON-NOIR WHITE ROOM
(KEANU enters the room, the walls of which are covered in TV monitors.
A chair spins around to reveal THE EXPLAINER.)
KEANU REEVES:
Who are you?
THE EXPLAINER:
I am The Explainer. I designed The Matrix screenplay. As I am unable to explain the convoluted plot with any degree of clarity, I have resorted to inserting myself into the final act and forcing you to ask all the questions the audience wants to ask.
KEANU REEVES:
All right. What was that crap Gloria Foster said about vampires and werewolves? And what the hell happened during the power-plant takeover climax-that-wasn't?
THE EXPLAINER:
You will find the answers to those questions by purchasing the Enter The Matrix game, a cross-platform title available from all good high street stores now!
KEANU REEVES:
Fine. Then tell me this, why the hell is Hugo Weaving saying he and I have some special connection?
THE EXPLAINER:
You will find your answer when you watch The Matrix Revolutions, released in November. Find out more about the world of The Matrix by also purchasing The Animatrix DVD.
KEANU REEVES:
I hate you. Just answer me one more question. We're not going to find out the real world is in another Matrix, are we?
THE EXPLAINER:
Bloody hell, I hope not.
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