Om's {god} Guide To Housework

At one point or other, we are all forced by our parents or wifely / girlfriendly units to do "chores" {spits}.

In this section Om will give you the low down on what it is and what they expect you to do.

1. Washing Up

Unlike the name suggests, there is no actual involvement of washing "up". How you can actually wash "up" is even beyond Om's powers.

Task : Involves placing soiled items of food carrying devices into a funny-tasting liquid, that is usually green and is apparently made of fairies. The food carrying devices are then scrubbed clean with a funny shaped brush which is quite frankly barbaric.

Notes : Always avoid this chore, especially on Sunday nights. According to the wifely / girlfriendly units, this is a great way to spend my spare time.* Always take care when dipping your hands into the soapy water, as some of the floating food bite!

* This only applies if you are being told to do it, for some strange reason it does not apply to anyone else.

2. Putting The Washing On

This is completely different from the previous chore we looked at, as it involves putting all your clothes in a big hungry machine. Unbelievable, eh?!

Task : Gather all clothes over 40 days old ( or that have a nasty looking stain from Friday you were out ), and place into the "washing machine". Insert the smelly snow flakes into the tray at the top ( no - NOT the baking tray, the other one ); then fiddle with all the knobs and levers until something happens. After about 40 minutes ( or when the door bursts open, allowing water to escape ), you are then required to pull out all the apparently clean clothes and put them into a "tumble drier" ( don't ask ).* After 90 minutes, the clothes need to be folded up, but DO NOT mail them to anyone, you'll not get them back. At this point, GIVE UP. Yep, you heard me. This is a technique developed over millennia by womankind, and is now embedded in the genes of all women.

* Don't get into either of these machines, you'll regret it later.

N.B. Some clothes change colour during washing - experiment to find the best results. Also, if a famous camp celebrity appears holding a similar box of smelly snow flakes, then discard as the smelly snow is contaminated.

3. Vacuuming

Particular attention should be paid here, as in the wrong hands, a vacuum can be VERY dangerous.

Task : Take the plug and insert into the corresponding hole in the wall (not an ATM machine though). When fully inserted, push the "on" button, but don't worry - it's supposed to make that noise. The vacuum is creating a sucking action that will rid your floor of any dirt and general grit. Move the sucking part around the floor to complete the task.

Notes : ALL vacuum parts should be treated as potential crippling devices. A sudden and accidental slip could result in the end of your plans for a family.

4. Tidying

This is probably the easiest of the main chores, as you will soon see.

Task : Move objects around the room to give the appearance of cleanliness. Yes - that's all there is to it.

Notes : The aforementioned action must take at least 1 hour, to convince others that you have done the job correctly. Any longer than 2 hours and people will become suspicious of your actions. Always remember: "Out of sight, Out of mind", that is put everything in the closet so that no one can see what a mess things really are. If you are to find any coinage, consider it yours, as it was carelessly hidden in the first place.

 

Chores To Avoid At All Costs

Given the opportunity of these particular chores and moving out, a delivery van is your best bet.

1. Ironing

Potential Dangers :

  1. Ruining your best pants by too much heat.

  2. Ruining your best hand by too much heat.

  3. Ruining your best cat by too much weight.

  4. Ruining your house by just being forgetful.

Danger Rating: / 10 Ouchies

2. Shopping

Potential Dangers :

  1. Getting lost.

  2. Nattered to death by an elderly woman at the till.

  3. Getting the wrong brand of goods then being punished by those you sent you.

Danger Rating: / 10 Ouchies

3. Cooking

Potential Dangers :

  1. Food poisoning.

  2. Burning.

  3. Scolding.

  4. Chopping.

  5. Slicing.

  6. Dicing.

  7. Spilling and slipping.

  8. Over cooking.

  9. Under cooking.

  10. Mixing ingredients that shouldn't be mixed.

If under nourished and forced to cook, a raw pot noodle should suffice, until a sufficient female can be found.

Danger Rating: / 10 Ouchies

I hope that this guide has been informative for you all, and remember: feel no shame in asking a woman about housework as they have a specific gene embedded into their genetic code that allows them to deal with situations like this.

Good luck with any chores you are forced to do.

Om {god}.

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