Why use Windoz 95?
Why indeed?
Well in my travels and quests across the known, and unknown, universe in my efforts to aid the free world, reduce world pollution, create a workable solution to poverty, eliminate war, save all the endangered species of the world and work out why McDonalds put gerkins in their quarter pounders I came across a list of 10 reasons for you to use Windoz 95.
I have translated these reasons into what they actually mean - read on...
1. Designed to work on todays computers.
Yeah right, the minimum spec is a 386DX PC with 4 meg of memory. But we all know this means, 'minimum spec' actually means 'the lowest rating machine we could get our program to run on before the playtesters using it died of old age'.
The actual recommended spec is a 486DX33 with 8MB with 55MB of hard disk space. 55 MB of disc space? What are they on? Fair enough a 486DX33 I suppose but we all know what Windoz runs like - and this creature is even bigger about five times bigger than Windoz! Remember all those DOS applications you had? Take 1-2-3® for instance;
1-2-3® Version 3 for DOS - about 3 Meg.
1-2-3® Version 5 for Windoz - about 15 Meg, an increase of x5 in disk space - much like the differance between DOS and Windoz. Dos taking about 2MB and Windoz about 10Mb. Extrapolating for Windoz 95, which is 10 times bigger than Windoz and about 25 times bigger than DOS. This means your applications are going to be about 50 meg each. Wave goodbye to that hard disc space sucker!
2. Improved features, less likely to crash, faster than older versions of windows, plug & play, network ready.
Lets go through these in stages; 'Improved features' - read 'Extra pointless functions you'll never use'. 'Faster than older versions of windows', faster? On what? Faster than an 512k 086 running 3.1 I'll bet. 'Less likely to crash' - great. So it's still going to crash is it? Thanks Bill. 'Plug and play'. What the thing that amiga owners have had for, well, forever really. Gee at last, thanks a bunch. 'Network ready'. Which network - not yours I'll bet.
3. 32 bit multitasking system
Multi tasking? From Softmicro? Ha-ha. Excuse me whilst I sew my sides up for they seem to have split. Multitasking like Windoz had? Get real.
4. Compatable with Windoz & DOS programs.
Compatable? Just quoting from memory, what about Flight Unlimited eh? Compatable eh? Pah.
5. Easier games installation.
Easier? What easier than typing a:install. I don't believe it.
6. Long file names, up to 255 characters including spaces.
Great - now I when I list all the filenames on my disk it's going to take about 80 screens, ta muchly.
7. Access to the Internet.
Yeah - access where? Softmicros bloody link - thats where. Ho-bloody-rah.
8. Short cuts to frequent applications.
You could do this in Windoz anyway. Or just write yourself a simple menu routine. This is a MAJOR feature? Pathetic.
9. Pseudo DOS.
At least they've included this as an afterthought I suppose. So it'll handle my 255 character filenames will it? Along with my DOS programs - they'll work too will they? Yeah right.
10. Importance of ownership.
Translation : Buy it 'cos were're selling it. Sod off I say.
DISCLAIMER :
I deny wholeheartedly that I am in any way related to the lead singer of Abba.
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