Animales

Llega un perro a una oficina con un periodico en la boca, lo pone en el suelo, y señala con una patita hacia uno de los anuncios que dice:
"Solicitamos empleado que sepa escribir a maquina, sepa programar, y hable varios idiomas. Igualdad de oportunidades. No importa raza, edad o sexo."
El tipo, entendiendo que el perro viene a solicitar la posicion, lo lleva ante el jefe de personal, pero al verlo, este le dice:
- Este... ? Sabe? Es que nosotros teniamos en mente a alguien distinto...
- Guau ! -ladro el perro, senalando con su patita hacia la parte del anuncio donde decia: "Igualdad de oportunidades..."
- Bueno, si, pero... es que el aspirante tambien debe saber escribir a maquina...
El perro entonces se dirige a un escritorio en el que hay una computadora, se sube a la silla, y empieza a teclear con ambas patas ante los ojos asombrados de los presentes. En pocos minutos sale de la impresora una carta de negocios perfectamente redactada, y sin una sola falta de ortografia.
- Esta bien, pero es necesario que el aspirante tambien sepa programar -comento el jefe de personal
El perro pone una pata sobre el mouse, utilizando la otra para teclear, y en pocos minutos termina una base de datos perfectamente estructurada, y sin un solo error. El jefe de personal, desesperado, le dice al perro:
- Pero es que, ademas, el aspirante tambien debera de hablar varios idiomas...
Entonces el perro, acercandosele al jefe de personal , le dice en tono lastimoso:
- Miau ?

Están un poodle y un doberman en la sala de espera del veterinario; el poodle dice lamentándose:
P- Que cagada, que cagada!!!
D- ¿Qué pasó ...?
P- Es que la patrona me saca a la calle y nada mas al salir vi a la perrita del vecino, en celo y no aguanté mas... juro que no aguanté más y me la tiré... que cagada...
D- Pero, ¿y cual es el problema?
P- Me van a castrar, que cagada... me van a castrar...
D- A mi me paso algo por el estilo, el otro día la patrona sale de la ducha con su toallita y se agacha para buscar algo, y no pude más.. juro que no pude más y le salté a la espalda y me la tiré.
P- !!Que cagada...!! ¿y te van a castrar también?
D- No, sólo me van a cortar un poco las uñitas.

Dick received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive...those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Dick tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Dick put the parrot into the freezer. For a few moments Dick heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet.
Dick was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Dick's extended arm and said:
- "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, and therefore, I ask for your forgiveness . I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
Dick was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask the parrot what had made such a drastic change in his attitude, when the parrot spoke again and said:
- "If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?

Estamos en el bosque y llega un conejito al prostibulo, regentado por la zorrita.
- Hola conejito. Que, a echar una canita al aire?
- Pues, mira, no se. No estoy muy animado. Ya lo he probado todo.
- Estuviste con la jirafa?
- Pues si. Ya la he probado.
- Y con la nutria?
- Si. Bien; un poco mojado, pero bien. No se. No tienes algo nuevo?
- Ahora que lo dices, tengo una chica nueva. Llegada del Amazonas tenemos una boa nuevecita y sugerente.
- Vaya hombre. A ver que tal esta.
- Mira, segundo arbol, tercera rama y alli.
Va el conejo y le sale la boa toda sugerente haciendo curvas SSSShhh, SSSShhhh.
- Huy, que boa mas erotica.
Y la boa piensa para sus adentros:
- Vaya conejo mas apetitoso. Llevo tres dias sin probar bocado y esta es la mia.
Salta la boa y se traga el conejo de un solo bocado. Entonces le empiezan a entrar remordimientos:
- Que he hecho. Yo soy una profesional. Tengo que mantener a ocho hijos y yo comiendome los clientes. Esto no puede ser.
Total que regurjita el conejo entero y este entonces dice:
- GUAOO, QUE MAMADA!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,
- "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says,
- "No, what?"
- "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
- "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.
- "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
- "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
- "Now what?", responds the patron.
- "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
- "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.
- "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
- "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
- "What do they say," the priest inquired.
- "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
- "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed,
- "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
- "Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
- "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
- "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male:
- "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted"

Three bulls were grumbling about the expected arrival of a fourth one. The first bull raged that he had been on the farm for 20 years and had 20 cows and wasn't going to give up a single cow to the newcomer. The second bull, with 10 cows, insisted he wasn't giving up any of his, and the third bull, with five cows, wasn't about to budge, either. The next day, a truck pulled up and the farmer led out the biggest blackest, meanest bull the others had ever seen.
- "Well," said the first bull,
- "I guess 20 cows are a bit of a strain. He can have some of mine."
- "Ten are too much for me, too," said the second.
The third bull, however, stood kicking up dirt and snorting. The two others looked at him as if hem had gone stark staring mad.
- "Look, five cows aren't worth getting beaten up for," said one of the others.
- "To hell with the bloody cows," the third snorted. "I just want to make sure he knows I'm a bull!"

Recopilado por vvaldi.
Ultima actualización: 7/7/99