Otros
Sherlock Holmes y el Dr. Watson se fueron en un viaje de camping. Luego de una buena comida y una botella de vino se acostaron y se fueron a dormir. Algunas horas mas tarde, Holmes se desperto y codeo a su fiel amigo:Un camionero que transportaba Coca-Cola va por la ruta, en
eso ve a una chica barbara que pide un aventon. El camionero la levanta y cuando
estaban llegando a su destino, la chica recaliente, le agradece eternamete y le
ofrece su cuerpo como pago por el favor de llevarla. Rauda y velozmente el camionero
frena y se le tira encima... pero ella amaba la naturaleza y queria hacerlo a pleno sol.
Nuevamente y a toda velocidad el tipo saca la lona de Coca-Cola del camion, agarra 4 cajones con
botellas, pone uno en cada punta para que no se la lleve el viento; la chica se quita la
poca ropa que llevaba, se echa en el medio de la lona y el camionero se pone a trabajar.
Tan mala suerte tuvo el tipo, que en el medio del asunto, la chica se muere y el
camionero huye despavorido temiendo que lo acusen de asesinato, dejando el cuerpo
todavia caliente.
A los 5 minutos frena un auto con 4 tipos y al ver la situacion se acercan y se tiran repetidamente al
cadaver y mientras se tomaban una Coca del cajon, uno le dice al resto:
"Estas si son promociones, no la mierda de Pepsi con las chapitas.........."
- lobo, que orejas más coloradotas tienes!.
- si....
- lobo, que cara mas roja tienes!.
- si... - lobo, que hinchadas tienes las venas del
cuello!.
- si...
- lobo, que apretados tienes los dientes!.
- caperucita, me quieres dejar cagar en paz...
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to
the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in
Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the
tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at
work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes
back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up -
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a piñata?
En un metro, en la hora punta, la gente va como sardinas en
lata y una chica le dice a un tipo :
- Por favor, se podria apartar un poco? Tiene usted algo duro dentro del pantalon que me
esta apretando el muslo.
- Oh, perdon, es que llevo el sobre con mi paga.
- Pues usted debe tener un trabajo increible, porque le han aumentado el sueldo tres veces
desde la ultima parada.
Dos espermas estan nadando apresurados camino al ovario,
luego de un rato uno le pregunta al otro :
- Dime, crees que aun falte mucho para llegar ?
- No lo se, acabamos de pasar el esofago...
How to score points with women :
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she
likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You
don't get any points for doing something she expects.
| Simple Duties | |
| You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car | 0 |
| You go shopping | +5 |
| But return with beer | -5 |
| You leave the toilet seat up | -1 |
| You check out a suspicious noise at night | 0 |
| You check out a suspicious noise and it's something | +5 |
| You pummel it with a six iron | +10 |
| It's her father | -10 |
| Social Engagements | |
| You stay by her side... the entire party | 0 |
| ... for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy | -2 |
| ... Named Tiffany | -6 |
| When she points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" |
+1 |
| ... you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's a lousy lay" | -6 |
| That woman is her sister | -90 |
| Saturday Afternoon | |
| You go to the mall together | +3 |
| You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it | +5 |
| You visit her parents | +1 |
| You visit her parents and actually make conversation | +3 |
| You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television | -3 |
| And the television is off | -60 |
| Her Birthday | |
| You take her out to dinner | 0 |
| It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite team |
-10 |
| You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player | +3 |
| ... and sing | +4 |
| You give her a gift... | 0 |
| ...and it isn't chocolate | +2 |
| ...that you'll be paying off for months | +30 |
| You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day | -10 |
| With her credit card | -30 |
| A Night Out With The Boys | |
| Go out with a pal | -5 |
| And the pal is single | -10 |
| You get home at 3 am | -20 |
| And not wearing any pants | -30 |
| Is that a tattoo??? | -200 |
| Her Night Out | |
| You watch the kids while she goes out with her work friends | +5 |
| She goes out with her work friends, and she comes home late | +10 |
| You wait up | +15 |
| ...and she comes drunk, and you put her to bed | +20 |
| ...but not before she pukes in the bathroom | +25 |
| Which you clean up | +35 |
| A Night At Home | |
| You watch TV together | 0 |
| You rent a movie | +1 |
| ... and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY | +5 |
| ... and you stay awake throughout | +10 |
| ... or you fall asleep | -5 |
| A Night Out | |
| You take her to a movie | +2 |
| You take her to a movie she likes | +4 |
| You take her to a movie you like | -2 |
| It's called DeathCop 3 | -10 |
| Which features cyborgs having sex | -20 |
| Flowers | |
| You buy her flowers only when it's expected | 0 |
| You buy her flowers as a surprise, just because | +5 |
| You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself | +10 |
| Finances | |
| You spend a lot of money on something impractical | -5 |
| Something she can't use | -10 |
| Such as a motorized model airplane | -20 |
| And your kid needs braces | -30 |
| Communication | |
| When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression |
0 |
| When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes | +5 |
| You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV | +10 |
| She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep | -10 |
Two Aliens land next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle
out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the
Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first one says
- "Earthling take me to your leader!"
He gets no response.
- "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!"
Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says :
- "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!".
The second Alien replies
- "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next
block. He then addresses the pump a third time.
- "Earthling take me to your leader!"
No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion
the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to
the second Alien
- "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
The second replies
- "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone
who's penis can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his
ear!"
God looked down at Adam and Eve and figured something was
missing. So God went to Adam and said,
- "Adam, I'm gonna' let you and Eve have sex."
Then God went on to explaine to Adam how it works, and sent him off after Eve. A bit later
God was walking thru the garden, came across Adam and asked,
- "Adam, how was the sex?"
Adam says,
- "God, that was great!"
God looks around and doesn't seek Eve so he asks Adam,
- "By the way, where's Eve?"
Adam replies,
- "She's down in the stream washing off."
God cries,
- "Damn, I'll never get that smell out of the fish!"
Recopilado por vvaldi.
Ultima actualización: 8/5/99