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O.J. Simpson

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks,
"wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says,
"Excuse me officer, what's the hold up."
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says,"oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far...............ten gallons."



An earless interview

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.

So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. He realized, however, that he had no business knowledge at all. So he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The candidate said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
This candidate also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."
The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The candidate replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any fu*king ears!"



Squeezing Lemons

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoreman, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What on Earth do you do for a living?"

The man replied nonchalantly, "Oh, I work for the IRS."



Reverend Norton goes golfing

The Reverend, Francis Norton, woke up Sunday morning. Realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, he decided that he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way, he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"



An Arkansas prayer

Bill Clinton is my Shepherd,
I shall soon want.
He leadeth me besides still factories
and abandoned farms.
He restores my doubts about the Democrats.
He anoited my wages with taxes, and
inflation, so my expenses runneth over my income.
Surely poverty and hard living shall
follow the democrats.
And i shall work on a rented farm,
and live in a rented house forever.
Five thousand years ago Moses said:
"Pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
and I will lead you and your camel to the promised land."
Five thousand years later, Carter said:
"Lay down your shovel and sit on your ass,
light up the camel, this is the promised land."
This year Bill Clinton
will take your shovel, sell your camel,
kick your ass, and tell you he gave away the promised land.
I am glad I am an American
I am glad I am free
but I wish i was a dog
and Bill was a tree.



Bats

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started i've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away.

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since" !!!




Marylou

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

He says, "What's that for this time?"

She answered, "Your horse called."



horse and chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his horse friend, and drives forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'p***s' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks.



Don't fart your guts out

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together fornearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.

He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in."



Tyson headlines

NY Newsday printed a whole bunch of head-lines related to the Tyson incident. Here's a few of them:

1. "Pay Per Chew" from The Philadelphia Daily News.
2. "Sucker Munch" from The Sun (London).
3. "The Champ and the Chomp" from The Jersey Journal.
4. "Did Tyson Bite off More than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell" from The Salt Lake Tribune.
5. "Ear-Responsible" from Fort Worth Star-Telegram.
6. "Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow" from The Providence Journal-Bulletin.
7. "World Chomp" from The Sun (London).
8. "Undisputed Chomp" from USA Today.
9. "Holyfield Still Chomp-ion" from San Francisco Examiner.
10. "Heavyweight Chomp" from The Philadelphia Inquirer.
11. "From Champ to Chomp" from The (Durham, NC) Herald-Sun.
12. "Requiem for a Chompion" from The Philadelphia Daily News.
13. "Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next" from The Daily Oklahoman.
14. "Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson self-destructs" from Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.
15. "Lobe Blow for Boxing" from The Tennessean.



Skunk

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" He says , "Put it between your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."



New Yorkers in Heaven

St Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates one day when a group of New Yorkers walked up. The New Yorkers asked if they could come in. St Peter said "Well, I dont know, we have never had a New Yorker here before, let me run back and check with the boss" St Peter walks up to God and says "We have a group of New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates that want to come in, we have never had any before, is it OK?" God looks at him and said "Sure, let them in! Welcome them with open arms"
A couple of minutes later St Peter comes running back to god, yelling "They are Gone, they are GONE!!" God says "What? Where did the New Yorkers go?" St Peter says "No, the pearly gates are gone!"



home repairs

Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-Shirt, "Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing.

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?" Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?" And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey,do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"



Special Added Event

High-Impact Aerobics

This event must be held outdoors!
Meet at 9:00 A.M. Saturday Morning
outside the front lobby

Participants must bring their own shoulder, elbow, wrist, hip and knee pads, a DOT or SNELL approved helmet, goggles, and military-style tall leather boots (such as Doc Martens). You must also furnish proof of medical insurance and sign a waiver.

Official Dangerous Event Participation Waiver
The undersigned fully understands the danger in this event and fully accepts all responsibility for any harm that may come to him or her through participation in this activity. If something happens, it is his or her own fault, or an act of God, not the fault of anyone else, and certainly not the leader of this event or anyone on the gathering committee. Got that?

(signed) _______________________     date __________



Special High Intensity Training

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT

SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don`t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don`t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)



True Stories

Subject: True Stories
Physics Story: A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.



University Entrance Exam

Take this test and pass it on. It's good practice for the EIT...
Embry-Riddle Aero. University Entrance Exam Air Science Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? (a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. Chancellor Kahn's tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify



Clintons pigs

President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine guard sharply salutes him as usual. Clinton said, "I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full." The Marine replied, "Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs, Sir!" President Clinton responded, "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!" The Marine replied, "Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!" The President then responded, "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea." The Marine guard then replied, "Yes Sir! Good trade, Sir!"





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