Welcome to my joke collection. You are the
Jokes are a great source of entertainment, which is why I put up this page. Movies are also great, and if you are interested in purchasing movies from via the internet, try these people. They have tons of movies in stock, so check them out! They're kinda like the Amazon.com of the movie industry.
WARNING. ALMOST ALL OF THE JOKES ON THIS PAGE ARE OFFENSIVE IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER. I HAVE TRIED NOT TO PUT ON ANY RACIST JOKES, IF YOU FIND ANY, PLEASE NOTIFY ME AND I WILL SCRAP IT. ANYTHING ELSE, WELL, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT. JUST HIT THE BACK BUTTON.
THE STATUE
Dilemma
Scientific Research
WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES
Dave the rooster
JUST LIKE A WOMAN!
Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alone,
I go a little faster and it's feeling kind of nice,
I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
I do it in the car when I'm driving down the street,
Since I was a kid I have been a masturbator,
Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
A supposedly true story
Stowaway
Rejected Dr. Seuss books:
BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had
Q: What's a man's idea of safe sex?
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness,
The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says she was sleeping with my best
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his
An obviously upset woman visits her pastor. She pleads, "Father, Father, my children just will not
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP
Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, "I know you were
When APOLLO Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.. After mass he asked the
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp..
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors:
"Boy, I am scared," Mike said to George, "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if
This lady is talking to her doctor and she says: "Dr. you're giving me the wrong hormone pills"
A guy walked into a bar, and sat down. He ordered a beer and then put his briefcase on the
Whats The Latest Fashion In Kids Under-ware ? - Micheal Jackson's Hand
There was a three year old boy named Tommy who was outside playing with his toy airplane. He
What's the difference between a computer and a woman ? - A computer will accept a 3½ inch
Why don't mathematicians ever get constipated ? - They can work anything out with a pencil.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie
There was a lady that was married 6 times and divorced 6 times and there was something wrong
Three blondes are walking down a beach in the early morning. They all come upon a shining
A father and son are catching butterflies, when all of a sudden the son kills a butterfly. Dad gets
There was these 3 men who wanted to join the elite forces. The almost passed all the tests and it
One Sunday Afternoon a husband was sitting in front of the TV watching the big game. His wife
Bill was staring toward the water cooler wondering how the heck he was going to decide who to
said, "Well then, Honey, you better jack off 'cause I'm too damn busy to play."
These three guys were killed in a plane crash, and when they got to the pearly gates of heaven,
Superman is flying over the woods, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, naked, with her
What did Micheal Jackson say when his divorce was final ? - I feel like a kid again.
Why do kilts have buttons ? - Because sheep don't like the sound of zippers!
A man is put on trial for killing and eating a rare California condor. During the course of the trial,
What do you have if you've got one giant green ball in one hand and one giant green ball in the
What have women and condoms got in common? - Both spend too long in your wallet before you
What's the difference between a bull and a man ? - A bull doesn't need to drink a 6 pack before
Why is it that when you talk to god it's called praying but when god talks to you it's called
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ? - Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a
Top 10 reasons Computers are male:
Top 10 reasons Compilers must be female:
10. Picky, picky, picky.
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Top Ten Reasons Why Hockey is Better than SEX:
A man and his wife were lying on the couch one day when the man says: "Honey would you
Your dick's so small you piss on your nuts !
A man is driving on a camel in the Sahara. He gets off and kneels to pray. As he stands up again
A man that just got out of jail went to a hooker to finally satisfy his needs after being in prison so
A carload of gays and a carload of lesbians are going to San Francisco. Who will get there
This guy had a problem with running over lawyers with his car every time he saw one walking on
a lawyer I just want to run them over, but I thought I missed him this time!!" The priest turned to
A Texan takes an Arab and a New Yorker out to dinner. The waitress comes to the table and
Why are there only 7% women in heaven ? -Any more and it would be hell !
A priest is fishing one day, when suddenly, he reels in a huge fish. Seeing the fish, the boat's
An American, an English and a Polish rabbit get their paws stuck in a trap. They bitch and moan,
What is the difference between beer nut's and deer nut's ? - Beer nut's are over a dollar, deer
Little bobby was sitting in class when his teacher said. "bobby I have a problem for you to solve,
A guy went into a bar and saw another man drinking alone and decided to join him. He sat down
There was a girl lying on the beach and she had no arms or legs...A guy walked by and she said
Why does Santa have such a big bag ? - He only comes once a year! Why is Santa so jolly??
The gay guy goes to his doctor complaining that he has no hair on his chest, but that he would
What do you call a skeleton in a tree ? - The Newfoundland hide-and-go-seek champion from
Two fellows at university who were taking Chemistry, did pretty well on all of the quizzes and
How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm ? - Wipe your dick on the curtains.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
A noted big-game hunter embarks upon a trek to deepest Africa to hunt leopards. He brings his
There is this man, he is about 65 years old. And he wanted to join the Hells Angels. So he goes
O.K., where’s the old lady with the loose tooth!"
What do you call a person who speaks three languages ? -Tri-lingual.
What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang bang clip clop clip clop ? - Amish drive-by.
These two guys were walking in the park. While passing by a fence they saw a dog licking his
God goes to the garden of Eden and sees Adam sitting alone on a stone. God asks Adam how
One day, this fellow was out playing golf. He was having a terrible game, as usual. On the 10th
What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde ? - A mosquito quits sucking when you
Tommy is having trouble in Sunday school, so the teacher assigns Billy to help him learn the
A man is walking along on the beach, recently divorced, and trips upon a magic lamp. Of course,
A snowmobiler's Ski-Doo breaks down so he takes it to the shop. The mechanic opens the hood
A man had his best friend over to stay the weekend with him and his wife. In the middle of the
This guy and his wife were lying down in bed together, when the guy let out this huge loud and
anything. A little while later, he did it again. "If you do that again, you're going to blow your guts
There's this guy and his girlfriend lying in bed talking. She looks at him and says " Dear, I think
What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and PeeWee Herman ? - It only took 12 jerks to get
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he
A newlywed couple are about to go to bed. When the husband takes off his sock, his wife looks
What's the difference between having the same job for 20 years and being married to the same
What kind of soap does John Bobbit use ? - Leaver 1999
If you had a donkey and I had a rooster and your donkey bit off the leg of my rooster, what would
Whats green and smells like pigs ? - Kermit's finger.
Say: Whats this? (and stick your tongue strait out) - A lesbian with a hardon.
Two friends are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups,
What do you call a homosexual male dinosaur ? - Mega-sore-ass
What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit-bull humping your leg ? -
A thief breaks into what he thinks is an empty house. Once inside he hears a voice say, "Jesus is
What is the difference between kinky and pervert ? - Kinky is when you use a feather, pervert is
Did you hear about the new Barbie Divorce Doll? - It comes with Ken's stuff.
Why doesn’t Barbie get pregnant ? - Because Ken COMES in a different box.
What did the egg say to the boiling water ? - I hope you don't expect me to get hard in 2 minutes,
What is a yankee ? - Sort of like a quickie but with one person.
An old man and woman were driving down the road. The woman was deaf and the man was
There once was a man from Peru
There once was a man from Kent,
There once was a man from Nantucket,
What's the difference between a pink dick and a purple dick ? - The grip
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer ? - The taste
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac ? - He stayed awake at night, wondering if
A misguided man decides to join the French Foreign Legion and is immediately stationed in the
Ernest sees his friend Jethro coming down the dirt road by his shack. Jethro is carrying a
the bag, kin I have one of 'em?" Ernest asks. "Why, iffin you can guess, then you kin have both
Why do Mike Tyson's eyes water after he has sex ? - Mace.
There is two guys in a bar and one of them is gay. So the straight guy goes, "Do you want to play
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a new yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to
This guy is having his best day ever fishing the Mississippi on the Minnesota side. He limits out
What do women and a hurricane have in common ? - They both come in sucking and blowing
A man was auditioning for a position as a piano player for a nightclub. The owner sat down and
There is a boy that is three years old and wants a toy. So he goes up to his dad and says,”
Two cannibals are eating a missionary. One starts at the head and the other, at the feet. After a
Little Johnny was in school and the teacher was asking the kids different questions. When she
97% of all constipated people don't give a shit!
One day a ventriloquist went to visit an old friend of his who was a farmer. After they met, the
What is a gay guys password to an X-rated internet page ? - C:enter:###
A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and there was a guy saying how stupid
How do you know when it's Michael Jacksons bed time ? - The big hand is on the little one.
What is long, hard and full of semen ? - A submarine you pervert!
There were two lumberjacks. They had been in the forest for a long time. One of them said to
A man goes into a whorehouse and asks for the “ cheap special” The lady tell him that they have
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Cocker-Spaniel, and a Great Dane, were sitting in a Veterinarian's
WHAT IS IT??
Bitter men say the cutest things
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
A man complaining to a friend: “ I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do,
How many men does it take to open a beer ? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
God says to Adam, “ I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I'm going to give you a
Q: What do soybeans and a dildo have in common?
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a beautiful woman and
What can a bird do that a man can't?
The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A
In a survey of over 500 women, when asked if they would make love to the president, 83 percent
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his
It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings
Young Johnny arrives home one evening and announces to his mother that he has had sex with
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? “ A bad golfer goes whack. . . . .
Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through Hyde Park late at night
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks
A traveling salesman walks into a whore house, throws down $200 and tells the madam, “ I want
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose
Only $1. 00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
A farmer has three daughters. All three daughters have a date on Friday night. Friday night
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year
A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger. As he is waiting for his food, he notices that
the cook is flattening the raw hamburger patties by placing them under his armpits and
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses
What's the similarity between walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and getting oral
Man goes into a drug store to buy condoms and says to the female pharmacist, “ Can you help
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? A. It’s not hard.
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, “ Green
Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on.
On the Simpsons, during the opening credits, Bart is being
A burp is not an answer.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all boasting to each other about presents they have
The Scotsman is not impressed and proudly brags “ I've got my wife a diamond necklace and a
The Englishman and Scotsman, both feeling proud at their gifts, were keen to hear what the
The others, slightly taken aback, ask him why he bought the vibrator, to which he replies “ Cos if
Q: What is the difference between a whore and a bitch?
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs,
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday,
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “ Mommy, can little girls have babies?” “
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “
then Daddy got on top of her and -” The mother held up her hand and said, “ Not another word!
On the first day of college, the dean addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. “
AUDI
BMW
BUICK
CHEVROLET
DODGE
FIAT
FORD
GM
GMC
HONDA
HYUNDAI
MAZDA
OLDSMOBILE
SAAB
TOYOTA
VOLVO
VW
Why it takes a license to drive
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and
their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US
It was reprinted in the Memorial University campus paper after its
U. S SHIP: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
CANADIAN REPLY: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
US SHIP: This is the Captain of a US navy ship. I say again divert
CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, you divert your course.
US. SHIP: This is the battleship USS Missouri. We are a large
CANADIAN REPLY: This is a lighthouse. Your Call!
Written on another one of the condom vending machines:
What do you call grit in a condom?
Why did the condom fly across the room?
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
What do Kodak and a condom have in common?
What do American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?. . . They are
What do toys and women’s breasts have in common?
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
What's the difference between sin and shame?
What's the speed limit of sex?
Why is air a lot like sex?. . . Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any!
What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?. . . They had pictures of
What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
What did the hill billy do with his first fifty-cent piece?
How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
There were two people traveling on a train, an American scientist and a Polish poet, who were
He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted
A Farmer walks up to his wife who is doing dishes at the sink in the kitchen, and grabs her butt
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Q: What is the perfect man?
Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men.
“ Dear,” said the wife. “ What would you do if I died?” “ Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,”
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is
A young man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “ Give me six shots of Jagermeister,
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
“ Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!” The boy
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
The boy turns, and whispers back, “ I had no idea your father was a
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves
again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said, “ Um. . . would you mind taking the dog for a
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his Rabbi about it. “
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly
Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit
After six months or so of almost total isolation, as he was finishing dinner, someone knocked on
A guy walks into a bar one day, sits down, and claims he knows everyone in the world. The guy
A golf instructor was having a terrible time getting a woman student to get control of her swing.
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a
daffodil?"
ELF PICKUPS...
BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE!
11 "That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed."
77 "I think we have to make love like crazed weasels on the front lawn NOW!"
Look at the person of your affections with a shit eating, ear to ear grin. Shake your head up and
55 Ways To Get Rid Of A Blind Date
editing to twist their words around.
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CLINTON AND A SCREW DRIVER?
100 reasons why it's great to be a man.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them
managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny
Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher told the class that they were going to do a thinking
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy
the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice, "Could you please
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the
conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He
A woman has just gotten married to her fourth husband, and she tells him that she is a virgin.
It was George the Postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all
Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if
down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
There are three survivors from a shipwreck stranded on a deserted island. They've been on the
Fred had been going out with Wendy for three years now. The sex he had with her was amazing.
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved
large orders of baked beans. All the way home, he put-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and
A hunter was in the woods and saw a bear, he aimed his shotgun and fired. BLAM! When the
the options and decided to drop his drawers rather than die.
Two friends are hunting deer in the forest when they slip down a hill into a river. They manage to
A man visited a fortune teller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "Ah!" she says "I see you
Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out
concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
A young blonde woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
During a human science class for younger students, the teacher asked the students what part of
Two atoms were having a chat one day when one of them goes, "I've lost an electron!" The other
A man is shipwrecked near a desert island and manages to swim to safety.
catching fresh fish, making love against the single palm tree, drinking coconut milk, making love
King Artur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the
An old Scottish man was talking to a young man in a bar. Old man - "Lad, look out there to the
A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success,
There was this guy with a serious haemorrhoidal problem but he was doing something about it.
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they
A Yuppie is involved in a car accident. He is lying in the road, and as the paramedics approach
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little
"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he
One day an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman walked into a pub together. They each
A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had
A man loses his job and comes home heartbroken. His wife consoles him,tells him that she can
one nighton the streets so that they can get enough money to pay their bills. The wife agrees to
Q. How do you know when you have walked into a gay church? A. Only half the congregation is
What do you call a man with half a brain?
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
What did God say after creating man?
Husband: Want a quickie?
Why do men want to mary virgins?
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man
What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
Why are men like laxatives?
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through
Why do men name their penises?
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
Why do men like masturbation?
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
What is gross stupidity?
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
What is a man's view of safe sex?
How do men sort their laundry?
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
Two men met for the first time while playing golf and decided to carry on playing their round
First Man : Well let me see.... Shoot the wife in the mouth, the moaning bitch.... and shoot the
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and
A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby.
A young intern is being shown around the hospital where he will be doing his tour of duty. The
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and
An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony.
"Yes", replies the old man, "but at my age I only get excited once every three months, but I drop
A little girl went to see Santa for the first time.
8-year-old Johnny is walking by his divorced mothers bedroom one
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.
TEN WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
Fun things to do to your roommate during the Christmas season
8) Sing... "All I want for Christmas is my roommates two front teeth"
A man was walking down the street one day, when he recognized an old college buddy. He
The English professor's wife walked in and caught her husband sleeping with a young co-ed.
The great thing about Alzheimer's is that you get to meet so many new people.
An account exec drove his two young staff to work late one weekend for an important company
Statistically speaking, in China, even if you are a one in a million kind of guy, there are a
How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to escort a prisoner down some stairs?
Last summer, scientists found that drinking a glass of red wine everyday was good for your
Did you hear about the new morning-after birth control pill for men?
A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl. Despite her dress being
Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How
Two men were conversing about Freudian slips. “A slip of the tongue can be so embarrassing.
Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they really mean)
I'm not attracted to you in THAT way [ you are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon ]
Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By men
Why God never received a PhD....
The finals of the International Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was an
A Newfoundland family took a vacation to Toronto. One day, the father took his son into a rather
A man goes to see his doctor, who is a plastic surgeon and says: "Doctor, I've got thish
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of
gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if
A blond wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting
On the sixth day God turned to the Arcangel Gabriel and said:
You might be Canadian if: You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The littleboy finds an earthworm
A young man and woman met, fell in love at first sight and decided to get married immediately.
moments, his wife stood up, walked to the edge ofthe pool, dived in and knifed through the water
A man was wandering in the woods pondering all the questions of life, universe, and his own
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain,
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go
costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party.
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to
Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off of the boat they are wandering around New
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school
So she said, "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year,
The kid said, "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher
classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his
A helicopter was flying toward Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to ahotdog vendor and says,
A young couple are driving to Las Vegas to be eloped, and everything seems to be going fine.
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At
A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with
A guy, hanging out in his favorite bar spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly
"$500"
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
After years of his wife's pleading, this good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church
What is it that a goose can do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass.
Why doesn’t Bill Clinton play the Sax any more? He’s too busy playing with his whore-monica.
THE TOP 10 THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT SAY OUT LOUD
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
why is sleeping with a man like a soap opra ... just when it's getting interesting thier done till next time
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
The Irish invented bagpipes and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his
Blowjob Ettiquite as stated by women:
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate,
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect....
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, ect....
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the
would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the
spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a
clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in
their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out;
he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By
carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your
fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that
we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that
string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and
return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of
time." Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I
don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good
proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and
practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt!
He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really
freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again... " The
M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing
thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A..
"Any asshole can sing country music!"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby
oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I
tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was
said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he
said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for
three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road
strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of
feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A
farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your
rooster, please allow me to replace him". "Suit yourself," the farmer replied,
"the hens are round the back."
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed
with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put
his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he
picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a horrible
gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"
A study was being conducted by the U.S. to determine why the head of a
man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost $1.5
million. The results of the study concluded that the head of the penis is larger
than the shaft to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
When the results were published, Germany, not convinced the results of
the American study, decided that they needed to do their own study. Three
years later, and at a cost of $3.6 million (U.S.), they concluded that the
head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more
pleasure during sex. Hearing of these results, a group of scientists in Newfoundland decided
to conduct their own study since they didn't trust either the American or
German study. After 3 weeks of intense research and a cost of $75.00, the Newfoundland study
reached a conclusion: the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft
to prevent the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of
his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided
to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local
auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a
donkey. The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the
race. The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form's headline the
following day read, "Preacher's Ass Shows." The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that
he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper's headline read, "Preachers
Ass Out in Front." The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, "Bishop
Scratches Preacher's Ass." This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the
preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent.
Next day's headlines read, "Nuns Have Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted! He informed
the nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read,
"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks." They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, "Too
Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."
1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too.
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.
7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"
8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where
have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half
of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and one glances at a
girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you
looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking.
Man, was he was mistaken!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market
looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would
service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the
vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Dave here is the horniest
rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Dave back to the farm. Before setting him loose in
the hen house though, he gave Dave a little pep talk. "Dave", he said, "I'm
counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.
Dave was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There
was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dave had finished having his
way with each hen. But Dave didn't stop there, he went in to the barn
and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig pen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this
with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Dave, you'll kill yourself". But Dave continued, seeking out each
farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dave
lying on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue
hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above. The farmer walked up to Dave saying, "Oh
you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Dave whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help
pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be
found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some
rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend,
the horse, and drives forward, SAVING him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and the
horse were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken
yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand
over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy'
and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are
screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take
this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a
chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here
man enough to make me feel like a woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a
handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he
takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands
in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die.
Are you interested?" She eagerly nods her head "yes!" The man hands her his shirt, and he
says, "Here. Iron this."
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and
buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind
me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man
says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker
the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes
him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure
way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten
minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what
the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's
done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old
lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the
process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what
is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her
to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like
you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief
description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned,
smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done
well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love'
Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush,
but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
Opie and Anthony's "Masturbata" Song
(to the tune of the Macarena)
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stone
Hey Masturbata!
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
Hey Masturbata!
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where it's been
Hey Masturbata!
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seat
Hey Masturbata!
Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her
Hey, Masturbata!
Pounding on the flounder and it's mayonnaise I'm makin'.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, oh God my hand is achin'.
Hey, Masturbata!
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly out of the
mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot
three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near
freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt. At the roadside there also
stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion..
..... heartstopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens
the car door and drags him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to
masturbate", "but......" stammers the driver, "Now...or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns his
back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the
roadside this only takes a few seconds. "Right" says the highlander "Do it again!" "but....." says
the driver. "Now...." So the driver does it again. "Right do it again" demands the highlander. This
goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw,
and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground,
unable to walk. "Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill
me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the
roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."
A doctor starts having an affair with a much younger woman. Before too long, she becomes
pregnant and they don't know what to do--they won't consider abortion and don't want to put the
baby up for adoption. But the doctor's not going to leave his wife, and the young woman can't
stand the thought of taking care of the child alone. Several months later, just about the time she
is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor
says to his mistress, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to
him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a
try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation
he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the
priest. "What happened? " "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the
operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and
the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're
not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died
with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen
such seen such a big pecker. Well she said "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it
up his ass". The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and
the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his
cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear "I told you it hurt you old fucker!"
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of
the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look,
it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" He says , "Put it between your legs." She says,
"What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of New Mexico when her
car broke down. A Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby
town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except
that every few minutes the Native American would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo
from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked
the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms
around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said,
"Indians ride bareback."
A farmer from Texas was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet
and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone.
Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had
to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the
woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he
know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him that if pregnant they would be lying down
rolling in the mud. But when the farmer looked out the window but not even one pig was lying
down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged
them all again. To his dismay, the next morning, they were all standing. So, again he loads the
pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning
the farmer is just beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what
the pigs are doing. She says, "Hmmm .... that's weird! They are all in the truck and one of
them is blowing the horn."
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's
hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings. When he sees the old man
staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything
wild when you were a young guy?" The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a
parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to
his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a
redhead. Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she
does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her own head. The
boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it!." The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Trufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a
Northwest flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "BOB". the captain did his best to skirt the
edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight
attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about a half an hour, and many
of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.
When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the
captain's voice came on over the intercom. "well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But
we came through it fine, just the was we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the
remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew,
I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes
for a pleasant stay in Boston." After a short pause and several clicks "Jesus Christ - whadda
bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now."
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom
was still on, one of the passengers called after, "Don't forget the coffee!!"
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having
a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long
enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that
all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young
thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very
long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" The doctor
smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-
stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and
ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help." Later that afternoon, his young
bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when
he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox
room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home.
Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and
pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over,
crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and
began his "therapy". A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy
session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to
avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the Police Department.
Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my
truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're
down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
Three hockey fans were driving along when they spied a body in the underbrush. Stopping their
car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body
of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Vancouver Canuck's
hat over one breast. The second guy, a Boston Bruin fan, placed his hat over the other
breast. The Montreal Canadien fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.
Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Canuck's
hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Bruin's hat and returned it. Then he picked
up the Hab's fan's hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and
then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Hab's fan was a bit irritated
and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or
something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Boy, I can't figure it out. Usually when I
come across one of these Hab's hats, there's an asshole under it."
Judi (a.k.a. dumb blonde) walked into the doctors office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told
her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound!
Judi said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and first stuck the gun in
my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin
it, so I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job
not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought,
wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun
in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud...
A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. as they
undressed for bed the husband who was a big burly bruiser tossed his pants to his bride and
said "here put these on". she put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants" she said. "that's right" said the husband," and don't forget it . I'm the man who
wears the pants in this family". with that she flipped him her panties and said "try these on". he
tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. he said "hell, I can't
get into your pants". she said "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn
attitude changes".
A depressed young woman from Manhattan finishing school was so depressed that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a
handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to
live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. What did
she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then
on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate
love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me." "He
sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying
a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he
threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the
bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money
they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the
glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on
the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too
never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off
the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian
that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic
particles."
"I is a college student."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
“Horn broken - Watch for finger.”
“The horn blows. Does the driver?”
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3
pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints. The big guy picks
up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy,
"What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big guy
looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
A man phones his wife at home to tell her he has won the National Lottery. "I've won the whole
jackpot, it's amazing! £16.4 million pounds! Start packing immediately!" His wife, ecstatic, says:
"For where? What shall I take?" Her husband replies: "I don't care. Just be out of the house by
the time I get home."
developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully
that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the
father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to
give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the
man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man
was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch.
The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure,
which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to
fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the
pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his wife
had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them
feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.
A: A padded headboard.
faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope
approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during
your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay
and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." "You are also granted an open door policy
and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior
appointment." "Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I
have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians
through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations
between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the
dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly
library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled
down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish
pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running.
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over,
"There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
friend. The judge says what did you do to your best friend. The man says “I swatted him with a
newspaper and said bad boy.”
and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she
has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you
know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you
know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse
with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're
getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he
comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed
to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll
take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's
pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the
chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of
Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. So the
guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend.
She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's
parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big
impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat
dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of
the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to
dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to
take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word.
So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep
quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the
dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his
girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures
he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the
father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the
purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A few
minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't
need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest
replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the
synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off
the last two inches of the tailpipe.
bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asks gently. "I think you
bring me bad luck."
stop cursing. I've done everything I know to stop them. You're my last hope, what can I do?" The
Father said "Well, have you considered smacking the boys?" The mother, wide-eyed, replied,
"Oh no Father, I thought the Church would frown upon that!" The Father responded, "In severe
cases, we do allow it. The next time your sons curse, why don't you try it?" The mother said
"O.K. Father, If the Lord permits it." The next morning little Johnny and little Jimmy come down to
breakfast and the mother asks, "Little Johnny, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"
Little Johnny says, "I don't know. Give me some fucking waffles." Well with that, the mother
smacked little Johnny across the face and he slid down the wall to the floor. Little Jimmy, the
younger of the boys, watched in horror. The mother turned and asked ,"Little Jimmy, what would
you like for breakfast this morning?" Little Jimmy looks at his brother on the floor, looks back at
his mother, and replies, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking
waffles."
approaching him. "What is it?" the President yells.. "It's the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do
you want to do about it?" the aide asks.. "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
section and says something.. Suddenly, Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over
the wall onto the field.. The stunned umpire shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, Throw the
first PITCH!'"
somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait
your turn. Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that
every now and then, different clocks jump 15 minutes ahead of time. When St. Peter returns,
Hillary says, "What's with all the clocks?" St. Peter replies, "Well, each clock represents a man
back on Earth." Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?"
"Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultery," answers St. Peter.
"Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary. "God has that one in his office," answers
St. Peter. "He uses it as a fan."
famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several
remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before
he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr.Gorsky." Many
people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space
programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr.
Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in
Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year
old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so
Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball
with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's
bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball,
young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll
get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous
on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his after mass,
he found the following note on his door:
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10..
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated..
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass..
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and the Spook..
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him..
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his
ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my
body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry"..
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah
God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at
St. Taffy's..
his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "they say you can't take it with you. But
who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am
giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful
if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll
have something. They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the
old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into
the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other
two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are
desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we
haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN
and put the rest in the coffin as he asked." At this the priest says, "I, too, have a confession to
make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The
needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for
our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested." Fixing the other two in
his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so
casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my
personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."
I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied George, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say." "You like her that much?" George said. "It's not that," declared Mike. "He
didn't sign his name."
The Doctor says: " I cant be doing that, I've been in the business 25 years! There's no way I
could make a mistake that big !" She says: " I know you're giving me the wrong hormone pills
I've got hair growing down my chest." The doctor asks: "How far down is the hair growing?" She
says: " all the way down to my dick !"
bartop. The guy next to him looked at the briefcase and said "What's in there?". The man with
the briefcase told him his name was Jon and that if the guy bought him a beer, he'd show him
what was in the briefcase. So the guy bought the beer, and Jon pulled out an 8 inch Grand
piano. The guy said "Neat!", and then still saw a bulge in the briefcase. "What else?" he said.
Jon requested another beer and then pulled out a 1 foot pianist, and he sat down at the little
piano and began playing. "Neat!" the guy said, "Where'd you get that?" Jon told him, "Well,
there's a little genie outside-- but he's a little hard of hearing.". The guy ran outside and said to
the Genie: "I want a million bucks!". "Are you sure?" the Genie replied. "No! Make it a billion
bucks!". "All right" said the Genie. Just then a flock of ducks came rushing toward them. The guy
rushed inside and said to Jon: "That genie jipped me!". Jon replied, in drunken sympathy, “I told
you he was hard of hearing. Why would I ask for a 1 foot 'PIANIST'? The rest you can figure
out... now buy me another beer!"
picked it up and waved it around in the air, finally setting it back down on the ground. He said,
"All right! All you motherfuckers that want to get off...get off! All you motherfuckers that want to
get on...get on!" He then picked up the plane and waved it around in the air, then gently set it
back down on the ground. He said, "All right! All you motherfuckers that want to get off...get off!
All you motherfuckers that want to get on...get on!" Well Tommy's mother heard him through the
kitchen window and came running outside. She said, "Tommy you get up to your room and
DON’T come out until I say so!!" About three hours later Tommy's mom comes up to his room
and says, "O.K. Tommy, I think you have learned your lesson. You may go outside and play
now." He took off like a shot out the door, grabbed his plane, and said with a stern voice, "All
right! All you motherfuckers that want to get off...get off!. All you motherfuckers that want to get
on...get on! And all you assholes that want to complain...go talk to the bitch in the
kitchen!"
floppy
was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes
the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “Mister,"
replied the priest, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.” “Well, I'll be damned", the drunk muttered,
returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he has said, nudged the man and
apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?" "I don't have it,
father. I was just reading in the newspaper that the Pope does."
with every single one of the men so she put an article in the paper for a guy that wouldn't beat
her, wouldn't run away from her and was good in bed. So she was sitting down and she heard
the doorbell and she got up and answered it." Hello how may I help you?" "Hi I am responding to
your article in the paper." "Well how do I know that you can qualify for it?" "Well I have no arms
so I can't beat you, I have no legs so I can't run away from you. "well how do I know you are
good in bed?" "HOW DO YOU THINK I RANG THE DOORBELL".
wishing lamp. All the blondes dive into the sand, grabbing and rubbing at the lamp furiously. A
genie pops out of the lamp and looks at the blondes. "Since you all rubbed me at the same time
you all get one wish." The first blonde thinks and tells the genie with great enthusiasm "I wish I
was 50% smarter!" The genie nods, and POOF she was turned into a redhead. The second
blonde laughs, looks at the genie and says "Why would I only want to be 50% smarter? I wish I
was 100% smarter!" The genie nods again and POOF she turns into a brunette. The third
blonde snaps her gum, twirls her hair and says "Well, I don't know. I really LIKE the color of my
hair... I know! I wish I was 100% dumber!" The genie nods and says "If you must" and POOF
she turns into a ....MAN!
mad, and asks why he did that with no reason at all. Then dad says: "You have to be punished
for it..no butter for a month". Next day the father and son are catching potato-bugs, when again
the son just kills one. Dad says: "You have to be punished again..no potatoes for a month." That
night at the dinner table, the mother, father and son are eating, when mom sees a cockroach and
kills it. The son then looks up at his father and says: "Do you want to tell her or should I?"
was now their turn to do the last test. They were all lined up outside a room with one rifle lain on
the floor. The Sergeant Major walked in and told the first man to take the rifle in the room and
shoot whoever was in there. He stood up, took the gun and walked in the room. After 2 seconds
he ran out again. "Hey! That's my wife" he said "I don't want to join the elite forces that much".
"Well I'm sorry son but you failed then" said the Officer. The 2nd man was told the same and he
did the same. After 2 second he walked out and said "Look! I don't shoot my wife for no one!"
"Well you failed then I'm afraid" again was the reply. The 3rd man picked up the rifle and walked
into the room... He was in there for 5 minutes, during which time many noises were heard. He
emerged from the room. "Well?" said the officer, "What took you so long?" "Oh" said man #3
"There were no bullets in the gun, so I strangled the bitch!"
came in and said, "Honey, I need to do the dishes but the dish-washer won't work." The husband
replied, "Not now I'm watching the game." The wife said, "But honey.." The husband interrupted
her saying, "Who do I look like the MAYTAG MAN????" She blowed him off and left the room.
"Well if the dish-washer isn't working I will go to the store," she thought to herself. She went to
start the car and it didn't work. She came back into the house and asked her husband to fix the
car. "Honey the car won't start, do you think you could fix it so I can go to the store?", the
husband interrupted her, "For the last time I am watching the game.....who do I look like? MR.
GOODWRENCH???" Well the next evening when the husband came home from work he
recalled his lovely wife asking him to fix some things. He walked into the garage and attempted
to start the car. It worked??!!?? As he entered the kitchen the dish-washer was running. He
asked his wife, "Honey, you told me the car wouldn't start and the dish-washer was broken.????"
"I had the neighbor fix them," the wife answered. "We can't afford that! How did you pay him?"
the husband said. The wife replied, "He said I could either fix him a well cooked meal or
have sex with him." "Well what did you do," asked the husband. "Who do I look like?? Betty
Crocker!!!??!!"
lay off on the next round of cuts at the end of the week. So he decided as good a way as any
would be to lay off the next person who came to the water cooler. No sooner had he decided this
than Helen and Jack both arrived at the same time. Now he had a problem - which of the two?!
So he decided he was going to lay off the first of them who offered the other one's name for
layoff. Jack had left by then so he called Helen into his office and said apologetically, 'Helen, I'm
afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off.' Helen was obviously caught by surprise but she
St. Peter asked the first guy if he'd ever cheated on his wife. He replied, "no, never" so St. Peter
rewarded him with a Ferrari. The second guy said "I had a one night stand once", so St. Peter
gave him a Ford to drive. The third guy said he'd had a 10 year affair, so St. Peter gave him a K
Car. A few years later, the guy with the K car passed the guy in the Ferrari, sitting on the side of
the road crying. He stopped and said, "what the hell's your problem, you've got that beauty car
and I have this shitbox!" and the other replied, "I just saw my wife, and she was riding a
skateboard".
legs spread, she looks really horny. Superman thinks, “I could give her one". So at the speed of
a bullet, he swoops down, whips out his cock, does the business, and flies off again. "What was
that" says Wonder Woman. "I don’t know, but my ass is killing me!!!" says the invisible man!
he testifies that he was stranded in the high Sierras after surviving a plane crash, and he only
killed and ate the condor to save his own life. The judge rules the sanctity of human life
outweighs the endangered species, and the man is acquitted. He exits the courtroom and is met
by a crowd of reporters, the first question they ask is "what did it taste like". He replies, "oh, it
was about a cross between a spotted owl and a bald eagle.
other ? - Complete control of the jolly green giant !
get your dick into them!
he'll fuck a cow
paranoid schizophrenia ?
blowjob !
==================================
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
========================================
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild
The Rules of Bedroom Golf :
1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally one club and two balls)
2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to
check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club as to avoid damage to the
hole.
6) The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is
satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play
the course again.
7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The
experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to
well-formed bunkers.
8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing
to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a
player's equipment for this reason.
9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly
when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to
become angry if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11) Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may
be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be
extremely careful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when
this is the case.
12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the
back nine.
13) Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker
pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several
times in one match.
15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16) Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course. Additional assessment may
be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players
prefer to continue to play several different courses.
1-It's legal to play hockey professionally
2-The puck is always hard
3-The protective equipments are reusable and you don't even have to wash them
4-It lasts a full hour
5-You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds
6-Your parents cheer when you score
7-Periods only last 20 minutes
8-You can count on it at least twice a week
9-You can tell your friends about it afterwards
10-An two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon
please get up and change the channel on the T.V." The wife is thinking "he's not being an ass
today so I'll do it" While she's at the T.V. set her husband pops off and says: "Honey you know
your ass is getting to be as big as the bar-b-que pit out back." This is fine, she lets it slide until
later that night. The man and wife are lying in bed when the husband is trying to get a piece and
wife rolls over and says: "Bitch! if you think I'm firing up this big ol' pit for your skinny piece of
meat you're out of your mind" and rolls over and goes to sleep.
he sees the camel's behind and remembers he didn't have sex for over a month. Because he
remembers a friend saying : " It even felt like a regular pussy !" he gets a box from the camel's
back and climbs on it. As he drops his pants the camel walks away. Disappointed he puts on his
pants again and catches the camel. He places the box under the camel's behind, climbs up,
drops his pants... and as he's about to stick his dick in the camel runs away again. Cursing, he
decides he will try it again the next day. The next day just after praying and putting the box under
the camel's behind he hears a woman's cry : "Aaarrgh ...Somebody PLEASE help me!" As he
finds the woman he sees her clothes are all torn and she's wearing lingerie. "What can I do for
you ?" he asks her gently. "Ooooh...Aaaaargghh.. WATER..WATER.. I'll do anything for a drop
of water!" she exclaims. "This is my chance !" the man thinks. He runs over to the camel, jumps
on it and rides back to the woman, gets off and gives the woman his canteen. After she has
drunk all the water he asks her :" Well... you said you would do anything if I gave you water ?
Does that really mean ANYTHING ?" The woman takes a glimpse at him and bends her head :"
Hmmm...yeah." The man says :" Well I was wondering, would you please help me to keep that
damn camel from running away?...."
long. After they were done the hooker asked him if he had just gotten out of prison. He asked her
: "Why is that? Just because I prefer rectal sex?" She said "Yeah..,that... and when you were
done you ran in front of me, bent over, and yelled Okay your turn!"
faster? - The lesbians will get there lickedy-split while the guys are still home packing their shit.
the sidewalk. Well, he wanted to stop doing it so one day he picked up a hitch hiking priest. The
guy says to the priest : "priest, I have something to tell you", but just then, he sees a lawyer on
the sidewalk and swerves at him. He swerves back in what he thinks is just in time when he
hears a thump thump. He turned to the priest and said: "Priest I'm sorry, but every time I see
the man and said, " Well that's okay... I got him with the door!!!"
says, " Excuse me gentlemen, but due to a shortage we have no steak," The Texan asks "What
the hell is 'a shortage'?", the Arab asks "What the hell is 'steak' ?", and the New Yorker asks
"What the hell is 'excuse me'?"
captain says, “That’s a son of a bitch!" The priest is shocked by the blatant use of foul language.
"Sir, you must realize I'm a priest. You mustn’t speak that way around me." "Oh no," says the
captain, "I'm not cursing. That's the proper name of the fish, a son of a bitch. It's okay to say in
that text, isn't it?" Understanding, the priest nods and says, "Yes, I see now. It is a son of a
bitch!" Later that day, the priest returns to the convent and places the fish down in front of a nun.
"I caught a son of a bitch", he says proudly. Naturally, the nun is shocked. The priest explains
and all is well. The nun cleans the fish and takes it to the second nun who proceeds to cook
the fish. That evening a new and young priest has been invited to dinner. He's a little nervous
and comments on the delicious fish. The priest says "I caught the son of a bitch". The first nun
says "I cleaned the son of a bitch". The second nun says "I cooked the son of a bitch". The
young priest smiles and says "Whew! Great, I was a little worried, but you fuckers are all
right!!!!"
until the English rabbit reaches the conclusion: "I'd rather bite of a paw, than get killed by the
poacher" So said, he bites of his paw and leaves, yelling to the other two:" See you behind that
hill !".The American rabbit thinks about his options and sees only one solution:" I'd rather bite off
my paw, than get killed by the hunter. See you behind the hill." The American rabbit joins the
English one and they wait. And wait. And wait... After two hours they decide to go and see what's
keeping the Polish rabbit. They arrive at the scene and see the Polish rabbit still
struggling to get free. "Well, what's keeping you?" "You Assholes" answers the Polish rabbit
"I've already bitten of three paws, and I'm still not free."
nut's are under a buck!
three birds are sitting on a fence, one flies away, how many are left?" Bobby answered, " NONE"
The teacher asked "why?" Bobby said " because when the one flew away it scared the others
and they flew away also." The teacher said " No that's not the right answer but I like how you
think." Then Bobby said," I have a problem for you to solve, three girls have popsicles, one is
licking hers, one is sucking hers, and one is biting hers, which one is married?" The teacher
answered, " the one that is sucking hers?" Bobby said " no, the one with the ring, but I like how
you think."
and asked him what he was drinking for. The man answered : "my first blow job." The other guy
said " okay, cool, I'll celebrate with you, what are you drinking?" The man answered, "the
strongest stuff they've got." The other guy said, "okay, I'll have that to." The man said "no, you
don't understand, I'm drinking it to get the taste out of my mouth."
:" excuse me sir but it is my 18th birthday and I have never had a hug, would you give me one?"
The guy said "of course" and gave her a hug. Later on another guy walked by. The girl said "
excuse me sir but it is my 18th b-day and I have never had a kiss, would you give me one?" The
guy gave her a kiss and left. A couple of hours later another guy walked by and she again said "
Excuse me sir but it is my 18th b-day and I have never been fucked, will you fuck me?" The guy
said "sure" he then picked her up and threw her in the water and yelled " there now you're
fucked"
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
like some so that he could attract more good looking boys. The doctor recommends :"You go
home and rub Vaseline all over your chest. By doing this it will open the pores of your skin up
and allow them to receive fresh air and thereby promote the growth of a lot of hair." The gay guy
responds: " That can't work ! Because if it did, I would have a pony tail growing out of my ass!"
1942 !
midterms and labs, etc. such that they both felt they would each get a solid A. They were so
confident, in fact, that going into the weekend before finals week, with Chem finals on Monday,
they decided to go to the university in a nearby town to party with some friends there. They had a
great time but, what with their hangovers and all, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make
it back to their own university until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final then, they
went to their professor after the final and gave him an explanation as to why they had missed the
final, telling him that they had been up to the other university for the weekend, and had planned
to come back to study, but they had a flat tire and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help
for a long time, and so were late getting back to campus. The prof thought this over and agreed
they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. So, they studied
that night and went in next day at the appointed time. They were placed in separate rooms and
handed their test booklet and told to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was
something simple about molarity and solutions which was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought,
"this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page which said:
(95 points) Which tire?
dog along for the safari. Upon entering the Dark Continent her hires the services of a young
native to tote his rifle. On their first excursion into the jungle the hunter spots a sleek, young
leopard languishing in the lower branches of a tree. The hunter begins to vigorously shake the
tree, causing the leopard to fall to the ground, whereupon the snarling dog instantly pounces on
the dazed animal and tears off the poor feline's testicles with his teeth. The leopard bleeds
to death. The hunter slings the carcass over his shoulder and they all make their way back to
camp. The young native is confused as to his role and he questions his employer. "Sir?," says
the native, "I do not understand why you have hired me to tote your rifle when you have no need
of it?" "That rifle may come in handy," the hunter replies gruffly. "Now mind your own business
and go to sleep, we have another hunt in the morning." The next day, things transpire in exactly
the same way: the hunter spots the leopard and shakes the tree, the leopard falls to the ground,
the dog pounces on the cat and rips off its testicles with his teeth, and the leopard bleeds to
death. Again, the native is perplexed. "Sir," he says, "I don't understand..." "Shut up and go to
sleep! Same time tomorrow." is all the hunter will say. The next day there is a little trouble. The
leopard is up on a very high branch and will not fall when the hunter shakes the tree. So the
hunter climbs a little further up the tree and tries again. Still, the leopard won't fall. The hunter
climbs even further up the tree and eventually makes his way out onto the branch where the
leopard is resting. He begins to shake the branch. By this time the leopard is quite perturbed
and he lashes at the hunter, swatting him from the branch so that he begins to tumble toward the
ground. On his way down the hunter screams frantically to the native, "SHOOT THE DOG!"
up to the door of their mansion and knocks. The leader of the Hells Angels says "sure, why not?
We'll give you a chance." The Leader says, "there's 3 things you have to do." The man says
"sure." " O.K." says the leader " the first thing you have to do is go into the first room over there
and drink 1 litre of Johnny Walker Black Labeled Whiskey in one gulp." The man says "sure, I
like a drink." "Then you have to go into the second room over there and pull a tooth out of a dogs
mouth, its really loose." "Sure, I love animals," says the man. " O.K., then you have to go into the
third room, this isn't very nice, there's an old woman about 95 years old, you have to make man
passion love to her. " The man says " sure, anything for a laugh." So, he runs into the first room
and drinks down the whiskey. GULP! He comes out totally leg loose. They push him into the next
room. He comes out half an hour later, his clothes torn to shreds and says:"
What do you call a person who speaks two languages ? - Bi-lingual.
What do you call a person who speaks one language ? - American.
balls, one of the guys said to the other: " I wish I could do that!", to which the other one replied: "
You better make friends with him first!".
everything is going and Adam says, "Man, I can't thank you enough for sending her down for me,
she's so much fun and all we do is have non-stop sex." God replies, "Well, where is she now?"
Adam says, "We just made love again and Eve went down to the pond to wash herself off."
"Dammit!," says God, "It's gonna take me from now 'till eternity to get that smell out of those fish."
hole, he shanks his ball deep into the woods. He goes stumbling through the thick brush until he
finds his ball and there sitting on a rock beside it is a goblin. The man says to the goblin "Aha!
Now that I found you you must grant me a wish". The little fellow says "OK, but I must warn you,
there is always a price to pay even for a wish." The golfer says, "That's OK, my wish is to be a
really great golfer". The goblin says, "Fine, but it will ruin you sex life". The golfer doesn't care
and accepts the terms. The golfer then continues on with his game and has a fantastic round. He
enters a few local tournaments and wins. He becomes a high raked amateur and wins. About a
year later he is play the same course again and suddenly, on the 10th hole he hooks his ball into
the same woods. Sure enough, there is the same little fellow waiting beside his ball. The goblin
asks him," Well, how are you enjoying your wish?". The golfer says, "It has been really great, I'm
having the time of my life!". Then the leprechaun asks, "Aye, but how is your sex life?". The man
says, " Well, I've only had sex 2 or 3 times in the past year". The leprechaun smiles and says,
"See, I told you it would ruin your sex life". But the golfer says "Gee, I don't know, 2 or 3 times is
pretty good for a priest with a small parish like mine!"
slap it.
Bible. Billy, being a brownnoser, takes the job. However, as Sunday rapidly approaches, Tommy
is still just as dumb, and Billy is very worried, but comes up with a plan. On Sunday, as the
teacher is quizzing the class, she picks on Tommy: "Tommy, who created heaven and earth?"
Billy gently pulls a pin out from his hat, and pokes Tommy in the ass with it.
"Oh God!" Tommy yells. "Very good," the teacher replies, "Who died to save mankind?" Again
with the pin, and Tommy jumps up and yells "Jesus Christ!" looking at Billy accusingly.
"Good. Last question: what did Eve say to Adam after their last child?" Then Tommy turns to Billy
and says "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'm gonna break it in half!"
this being a joke, a Genie pops out: "What is your wish, master. Be warned, your ex gets twice!"
"Okay, give me, 10 millions dollars." The guy gets ten, his ex gets 20. "Done" "Give me, oh, a
really hot car that never runs out of gas." He gets a cool car, his wife gets two.
He thinks. "Okay Genie, scare me half to death."
and looks around. He looks the snowmobiler in the face and says "I think you blew a seal." Naw"
says the snowmobiler, "I just have a runny nose."
night, the man's wife snuck over to the man's bedroom and began to give him a blowjob. When
she finished, they were going to have sex, but the bed was too small. So they went over to the
woman's bedroom. 'Won't your husband wake up?' the man asked. 'Just pull a hair out of his
ass, and if he doesn't wake up, we're good to go.' So he pulls out a hair, and they fuck each
other. They decide to do it again, so he pulls a hair out of the guy's ass and then fucks her again.
When they decide to do it a third time, the man wakes up and says, ‘it’s bad enough you're
fucking my wife, but do you have to keep score on my ass?'
disgusting fart. His wife, who was totally disgusted but thought it was a one time thing, didn't say
out your ass hole!" Later that night, when her husband was asleep, the woman went down to the
kitchen and got some chicken guts from the refrigerator. She put them in the bed beside her
husband, and went downstairs to get a drink of water. A few minutes later, she heard her
husband stirring in bed. Then she heard another loud fart. A few minutes later, her husband ran
down to the kitchen. "You won't believe this! You were right! I blew my guts out my ass hole, but
by the grace of God and these 2 fingers, I got them all back in!"
your a pedophile" He looks at her and goes "Wow, that's an awfully big word for a 6 year old"
O.J. off.
notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9
Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and
grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man
asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best
game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies,"Ribbit Las
Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says , "Ribbit
Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but
after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back
across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the
frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am
forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog
did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 15 year old girl
in the world. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
at his feet and sees some of his toes are missing. She asks him what happened to his feet. He
answers "When I was a baby I had toelio," "You mean Polio" she corrects. "No toelio," insists the
husband. Next he takes off his pants, and his wife looks at his knees and asks him what
happened to them. He answers "When I was a child I had the kneesles," "You mean the
measles" she corrects. "No, the kneesles," insists the husband. Next he takes off his pants, and
his wife says "Let me guess...small cox?"
woman for 20 years ? - After 20 years the job still sucks
you have ? - A foot of my cock up your ass.
drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all
over himself. Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm
already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. The ole' lady is gonna kill me."
The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"
The first says, "Yeah, why?" The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front
pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some
guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.”
The first guys says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for
the next couple of hours. Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting
up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at
you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over
the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?" He says, "Wait honey, listen for a
second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I
swear. Check my front pocket." She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills. She says,
"Wait there's 40 bucks in here!" He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"
What do you call a Lesbian female dinosaur ? - Lick-a-lot-a-puss.
You let the pit-bull finish.
watching you." He freezes in his tracks, and shines a flashlight where the voice came from. He
sees only a bird cage. He tip toes over to the cage and inside is a parrot. He asks the bird if he
said that. The parrot said, "Yes". The thief sighed in relief. "What's your name, parrot" he asked.
"Clarence" said the parrot." "Clarence?" the thief laughed, “What a stupid name for a bird. What
ass-hole named you Clarence. The parrot looked at the thief and said "The same ass-hole who
named the Rottweiler Jesus".
when you use the whole chicken...
I just got laid this morning!!
blind. A trooper pulls them over. He comes up to the car and taps on the window and asks her to
roll down the window. She just sits there looking at the trooper and her husband says, " think he
wants you to roll down the window." So she rolls down the window and the trooper asks to see
her license and registration. The woman just looked at the trooper once again and her husband
said, "I think he wants you to give him your license and registration." She gives the trooper her
license and registration and the trooper says, "I see your from Texas, the worst
screw I ever got was in Texas." She just looked at the trooper once again, her husband said, "he
said he thinks he knows you."
Who spent lonely nights in his canoe
In dreaming of Venus ,
He played with his penis
and woke up with a handful of goo.
Whose dick was so big that it bent,
To save himself trouble,
He stuck it in double,
So instead of coming, he went.
Whose dick was so big he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was deeper I’d fuck it!
there really was a dog.
Sahara. After six months of sand and men the man realizes that he is very, very horny so he
confronts one of his fellow legionaries. "Hey,' he says to his new friend, looking slyly around to
make sure none of the commanders are listening, "what do you guys do around here for sex."
His friend looks around, also being careful not to be overheard by a commanding officer. The he
points to the biggest, ugliest, and meanest looking camel in the whole regiment and says, "We
usually use Sophie over there." The now disheartened man walks over to the camel who is
obviously infested with sand fleas and smells of dung. The camel gives the man a sour look and
the man realizes he is not as desperate as he thought. Several months go by and Sophie begins
to look quite a bit more charming and alluring, until one night the man sneaks about the camp
until he finds a ladder, then he sets it up behind the camel, climbs to the top rung, lifts the
camels tail, and then... well, you know. He finds his friend the next morning. "Well, I finally did it
to Sophie like you said, gave it to her good. And, to tell you the truth, after you got past the smell
and the fleas, really she wasn't half bad!" "That's really interesting..." says the friend looking a
little perplexed, "but most of us only use her to ride into town!"
satchel. "Whatcha got in the bag, Jethro?" Ernest asks with a slow southern drawl. "I gots some
fine chickens!" says Jethro, proud of his hens."Iffin I kin guess how many chickens you gots in
of 'em!" says Jethro. "Is there five?" Ernest asks.
bar football?" and the gay guy says "Sure, how do you play?". The straight guy says "A fart is a
field goal and a burp is a touchdown, ok?" Afterwards, the gay has a burp and he says
"Touchdown!". So the straight guy says "I got a fart coming!" so he pulls down his pants and right
when he is going to let it out, the gay sticks his dick up the straight guy's ass. So the straight guy
says, "What are you doing?!" and the gay guy says " I'M BLOCKING THE FIELD GOAL. "
them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you
in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that
you get to choose how you die."The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a
sword, he says, "vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for
me, please." the chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!"
and blows his brains out. The new yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The new yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--
the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, "my god almighty, what are you doing?" The new yorker says,
"So much for your fucking canoe!"
and gets ready to go. The federal DNR officer stops him. To verify everything is legal he takes
one of the fish, shoves his pinkie in its asshole, pulls it out and smells it. He says “ Boy- this fish
comes from the Minnesota side of the River- You got a Minnesota license?” The fisherman
generates one and is allowed to leave. The next week he's on the Wisconsin side of the river
and has incredible luck. Same federal officer shows up and gives his fish the same finger-in-the-
fish pooper test. This time he asks for a Wisconsin license which the man gladly generates.
As the lucky fisherman is leaving the Federal DNR officer asks “ boy- you're a pretty good
fisherman. Where you from??” The lucky fisherman drops his pants, bends over and says “
Find out for yourself”
and they both leave with the house and the car!
asked the man for a demonstration of his talents. The man launched into the most beautiful
song the owner had ever heard, and was so moved that the tears began to flow. “ That's
wonderful!” said the owner, “ what's the title of that song?” The man replied “ Oh, just a little
something I wrote recently, it's called “ Suck My Cock You Fucking Ho-bag. ” The owner was
somewhat taken by surprise, but encouraged the man to play another of his songs. The second
song was even more moving than the first one, and the owner was sobbing into a napkin when
the man finished. “ And what's the name of that one?” asked the owner. “ I call that one “ Eat
My Shit and Die You Motherfucker. ” Now completely shocked, the owner told the man that he
was hired to provide the musical entertainment at the nightclub, but he was never to reveal the
titles of his songs.
The man's first night was a smashing success, and the audience seemed to enjoy the man's
compositions. During a break, the man went to the restroom and when he returned, several of
the nightclub guests were giggling and pointing at him. Puzzled, he asked the nearest guest
what was so funny. The guest replied “ Do you know you're pants are unzipped and your dick is
hanging out?” “ Know it?” the man roared, “ Hell, I WROTE it!!”
Daddy daddy can I have a toy?” The dad then says,” Can your dick touch your ass?” The kid
says, “ I don't know. ” So the dad says, “ No. ” Now the kid is 13 years old and he wants a bike.
So he asked his dad and his dad said, “ Can your dick touch your ass?” The kid says,” I don't
know. ” The dad says, “ No. ” Well now the kid is 18 and wants a car. So he asks his dad. His
dad
said,” Can your dick touch your ass?” The kid thinks about it and says, “ Yes it can. ” So the
dad then says, “ GO FUCK YOURSELF”
while one says to the other, “ How are you doing?” His reply is “ Oh, I'm having a ball. ” The first
one says, “ Well slow down, you're eating too fast. ”
got to Johnny she asked him if he knew what a penis was. Johnny said no and the teacher told
him that his homework for that night was to find out what a penis is. Little Johnny went home and
his mom was doing dishes and he asked her. . ” mom. . what's a penis” . His mom said she was
too busy and Little Johnny should go upstairs and ask his Dad. So little Johnny went upstairs
and his dad just stepped out of the shower and had nothing but a towel wrapped around him.
Little Johnny asked his dad “ Dad. . what's a penis” . Johnny’s dad said. . ” I'll show you son” .
and he opened up the towel and said son. . this is a penis. . and as a matter of fact this is the
perfect penis. So the next day at school the teacher asks Johnny if he learned what a penis was and
Johnny stood up in front of the class and dropped his pant's and said. . . ” This is a penis” and
as a matter of fact if it was about three inches shorter it would be the perfect penis.
ventriloquist said I have learned a new skill, so the farmer asked what it was. The ventriloquist
said I can throw my voice. The farmer replied with “ NO WAY” . The ventriloquist said
does that cow right there talk, the farmer replied NO. The ventriloquist then asked the cow “ How
does this here farmer treat you?” He threw his voice and the cow replied “ Treats me like shit.
Comes out here at 5 o'clock in the morning with cold ass hands and starts pulling on my
tidies. ” The farmer says damn he never spoke before. The ventriloquist then asks does that
mule right there talk. The farmer replied NO. The ventriloquist then asks the mule how the
farmer treats him. The mule replied “ Like shit! He gets me up at 5 o'clock in the morning hooks
that humongous plow to my ass and then whips me. ” The farmer was then very surprised. The
ventriloquist then said does that sheep right there talk. The farmer replied “ Yes, but he lies like a son of a bitch!!”
( See colon enter colon pound pound pound)
blondes were. Then she glanced out her car window and saw a blonde in a row boat in a corn
field, so she stopped and got out of the car and yells “ you stupid blonde. you are the kind
of person that gives us blondes a bad name, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your
ass!!”
the other” Man, I’m so horny! I haven’t had any pussy for MONTHS!” So the other guy said “ Hey
man, go down to the river at about 12 tonight. There will be a barrel with a hole in it. Slide your dick in and have some fun” . Anyways the guy goes there and slides his cock in and he feels
this chick sucking him off! He blows his load and then leaves. The next day he says to his friend”
Man that chick was hot! She gave me the sucking of my life! I’m going back there tonight!” The
other guy says” NO WAY! Tonight its YOUR turn in the barrel!”
a chicken that can suck his dick like nobody can. So the man accepts and goes into a room. He
sees a chicken in the middle of the room. He takes his pants off, sits on the ground, and starts
forcing the chicken to suck his dick. Unfortunately, the chicken refuses to do anything. So after
about an hour of trying, the man gives up and goes home. The next day, he thinks about the
previous night and says to himself: “ Even though the chicken didn't suck my dick, I had fun
forcing him. ” I'm gonna go today and try it again. So the man goes to the whorehouse again
and asks for the “ cheap special” The lady takes his money and sends him to a room. The guy
walks in a room and sees a bunch of other guys lined up against a wall and looking through a
hole on the wall. So the man finds an open hole and takes a look for himself. The man sees a
young pretty chick through the hole trying to get a dog to lick her pussy. The man, already
excited, turns
to the guy next to him and says:” Hey this is fun and exciting!” The other turns and replies: “ This is nothing. . . you should've seen it last night. Some guy was trying to get a chicken to suck his dick!”
waiting room. They began chatting about the reason for their visit. The Doberman began by
saying, “ I've got a problem. For some reason, I hate mailmen. The other day, I got loose, saw
a mailman, and chewed up his leg so bad that he had to have it amputated. I'm here to be put to
sleep by the Vet. ” The two other dogs shook their heads in sorrow. Then the Cocker Spaniel
said, “ I too have a problem. When I see a car, I have to chase it. The other day, I got loose,
saw a car coming down the road, and began chasing it. The driver swerved to avoid me, hit a
tree, and was killed. I too am here to be put to sleep. ” The other dogs bowed their heads in
sorrow. Then the Great Dane spoke. “ I too have a problem. The other day, my mistress was
about to take her bath. She dropped her robe, and bent down to pick something up. I couldn't
help
myself, and mounted her. In the process, I scratched her badly. I'm here to have my nails
trimmed. ”
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is
enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant
action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end. In use, it is quickly inserted almost
always willingly, sometimes slowly sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where
it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely
recognize the rhythmic pulsing sound, resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When
finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need
cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After
everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to
its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling
climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it ? You may have already
guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own. . . TOOTHBRUSH
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
beautiful woman . . . then . . . pow! . . . it was all gone!” “ What happened?” asked the friend.
“ Ahhhh . . . my wife found out . . . ”
leave the hallway light on.
it to the couch.
are beautiful.
movie?
brain and a penis. The bad news is, I'm only going to give you enough blood to operate one at a
time. ”
A: They are both meat substitutes.
he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
“ It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the
biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?”
He coolly replies, “ Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you. ”
Whistle through its pecker.
Unemployed for a number of years, a bloke named Barry finally lands a job working for the local
railway company. One night he meets up with his mates in the local pub
'So how's the new job, Barry?' asks one.
'Brilliant,' he replies. 'The other day I was out working when I found a women tied to the tracks. I
untied her, took her back to my place and ended up shagging her all night!. It was fantastic!
Missionary, doggy-style, wheelbarrow - you name it, we did it. '
'Yeah?' esquires one of his friends. 'But was she good looking?'
'I dunno,' signed Barry. 'I couldn't be bothered to find the head. '
nun answers and says “ Can I help you, my child?” Happy says “ Are there any 3 foot nuns in
this convent?” The nun is puzzled, and says “ No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent. ”
Happy thinks for a minute, then says “ Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?” The nun says “ No,
there are no 3 foot nuns in this city. ” So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the
dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door.
The same nun answers and says “ What now?” Doc says, “ Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this
state?” The nun says “ No! There are no 3 foot nuns!” Doc thinks, then says “ Are there any 3
foot nuns
in this country?” The nun is starting to get mad, and says “ NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT
NUNS!” So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks
on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says “ Are there any 3 foot nuns on this
continent?” The nun says “ NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE
ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!” Sleepy says “ Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?”
The nun says “ NO!!” and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few
minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting
“ DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!”
of them responded; “ Never again. ”
scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “ Where the hell have you been all night?” she
demands. “ At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “ The Golden Saloon. Everything there is
golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!” The
wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place
across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. “ Is
this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“ Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“ Do you have huge golden doors?”
“ Sure do. ” “ Do you have golden floors?”
“ Most certainly do. ”
“ What about golden urinals?”
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “ Hey, Duke, I think I got a
lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to
come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. “ My daddy got me a Bow-
Wow,” she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct
words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks
real hard “ My dad got me a dog,” she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, “ I got a
choo-choo!” The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
“ I got an electric train!!” That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, “ I got a
book” The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, “ What was the title of the book??”
The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking.
Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, “ Winnie The Shit!!”
account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account
and the little old lady says, “ Three million dollars. ” The accounts person is startled, and says, “
In what form?” and the little old lady says, “ Cash. I've got it here in this bag. . . ” and the
accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green
stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses
herself
to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to
his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so
much money. She says, “ Gambling. ” “ Gambling?” , he says. “ What sort of gambling?” “ Oh, I
make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000
right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1
odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?” The bank president is shocked at this
sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase
Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “ I suppose I could come up with
enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you. . . there's no
way you can win a bet like that!” The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “ I know
what I'm doing. . . and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?” “ Ok,
have it your way” , said the president, and they shook hands on it. “ See you at 11:55
tomorrow morning” , said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55
the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the
bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten
almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for
impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that
morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to
relax, knowing he had won. “ Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said
the president. “ He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any
objections?” “ No, perfectly understandable” , said the president. “ Well, it's now noon, and
I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily. “ Not so fast!” said the little old
lady. “ For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants. ”
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so
he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in
question. “ Ok, you win, here's your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing
over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and
moaning. “ What's wrong with him?” asks the bank president. “ Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser
if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of
the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today. ”
his teacher. She was very upset and told him to go to his bedroom and wait until his father
returned home from work. When his father returned home and was told the story he rushed
upstairs to see his son. 'Well son, I understand you have had sex with your teacher. Good one,
son! A real chip off the old block! How was it?' 'OK, I guess' replied his son 'but doesn't it make
your bum sore?'
. fuck! A bad sky diver goes, fuck!. . . . whack”
when they are jumped by 2 thugs. . . Their habits are ripped off and the man begin to sexually
assault them. . . Sister Mary Catherine looks to heaven and says “ Father forgive him. . . he
knows not what he is doing” Sister Mary Elizabeth turns her head and says. . . ” Holy shit
Father. . . mine does!”
him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, “ I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-
old woman. ” “ What's wrong with that?” asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,
he answers, “ You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. . .
At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and make love again, the best an old
man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love. ” . He breaks down,
no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. “ I don't understand. It
sounds
like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?” . The old man answers, again
through his tears, “ I forgot where I live. ”
the WORST blowjob in the house. ” The madam looks confused and says to the man, “ But sir,
for this kind of money, you can get the best blowjob in the house. ” The salesman says to the
madam, “ You don't understand. It's not that I'm horny, I'm just homesick. ”
weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None
worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that
read:
Lose weight
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, “ How
much weight do you want to lose?” . The man responded, “ Ten pounds. ” . The voice replied, “
Very well, give me your credit card number and we” I’ll have a representative over to your house
in
the morning. ”
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful
redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “ If you catch me, you can
have me. ”
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around
the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through
enjoying himself, she said, “ Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself. ” He did just that
and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “ How much weight
do you want to lose?” --to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, “ Twenty pounds. ”
“ Very well,” the voice on the phone told him, “ Give me your credit card number and we” I’ll
have a representative over to your house in the morning. ”
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the
door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating,
“ If you catch me, you can have me. ” The chase took a good while longer this time and the man
nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, “ Quick, run
into the bathroom and weigh yourself. ” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another
20 pounds!
“ This is fantastic!” he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the
voice at the other end asked, “ How much weight do you want to lose?” “ Fifty pounds!” the man
exclaimed. “ Fifty pounds?” the voice asked, “ That” s an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time. ” The man replied, “ Listen buddy, here” s my credit card number, you just have your
representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all
ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he
opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “ IF I CATCH YOU,
I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU. ”
comes, and the Farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens up the door, and there's a kid on
the front porch. The kid says, “HI! My name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna go have
spaghetti. Is she ready?” And off go Freddy and Betty. About 20 minutes later, the Farmer
hears a knock on his door. He opens up the door, and there's a kid on the front porch. The kid
says, “ HI! My name's Joe! I'm here for Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Is she ready to go?”
And off Joe and Flo go. About 15 minutes later, the Farmer hears a knock on his door. He
opens up the door and there's a kid on the front porch. The kid says, “ HI! My name's Chuck. . . .
. ” And the Farmer blew his head off.
old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the
closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, “ It's dark in here, isn't it?” “ Yes it is,” the
man replies. “ You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “ No thanks,” the man replies. “
I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “ OK. How much?” the
man replies after considering the position he is in. “ Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “
TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden
position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the
driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “ It's dark in here, isn't it?”
the boy starts off. “ Yes it is,” replies the man. “ Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy
asks. “ OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “ Fifty
dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's
father says “ Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch. ” “ I can't. I sold
them,”
replies the little boy. “ How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the
profit in terms of lizards and candy. “ Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says. “ SEVENTY-
FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your
sin and ask for forgiveness” , the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the
little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “ It's dark in here,
isn't it?” “ Don't you start that crap in here!” the priest says.
squeezing with his arm. He calls the manager over and points out what the cook is doing. The
manager replies, “ Oh, that's nothing. You ought to see how he prepares the donuts!”
that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf
person for this job: if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police
what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets
greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that
their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find
the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with
them, so the Mafia drags the guy to a sign language interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the
interpreter, “ Ask him where da money is. ” The interpreter signs,” Where's the money?” The
deaf
man replies, “ I don't know what you're talking about. ” The interpreter tells the hood,” He says
he doesn't know what you're talking about” The hood pulls out a . 38 and places it in the ear of
the deaf collector. “ NOW ask him where the money is. ” The interpreter signs, “ Where is the
money?” The deaf man signs back, “ The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park. ” The
interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, “ He says he still doesn't know what you're
talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger. ”
gratification from an 80-year-old woman?
You'll be O. K. as long as you don't look down. . .
me? I don't know what size to buy. ” She unzips his fly, reaches in for a feel and then gets on
the intercom: “ I need a pack of regular condoms to the pharmacy, please!”
Another man walks in and asks for help choosing a condom. Once again, she unzips his fly, has
a feel and says on the intercom: “ I need a pack of large condoms to the pharmacy, please!”
A few minutes later, this 17-year-old young man walks up nervously and asks her for some help
choosing a condom. She unzips his fly, reaches in, feels around and gets on the intercom: “ I
need a mop and a rag at the pharmacy, please!”
through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As
they walked through the first room, the woman said, “ I think I would like this room in a cream
color. ”
side up!” He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The
woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. “ In this room, I was thinking of an off
blue. ” , said the woman Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it
and yelled out, “ Green side up!” This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything.
In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more,
the contractor opened the window and yelled, “ Green side up!” Struck with curiosity, the woman
mustered up the nerve to ask, “ Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every
time I tell you the color I would like the room?” The contractor replied, “ Because I have a crew
of blondes laying sod across the street. ”
punished by writing
things on the chalkboard. Here are the things he has written in past
episodes-----
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “ She's Dead” at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal “ spud head” .
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say “ Springfield” just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “ Hail Satan!
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
bought their wives for their birthdays. The Englishman says “ I've bought my wife a 24-carrot
gold ring and a glove” . “ Why have you got her a glove?” the other two ask. “ Because when
she wears the ring in public, I want her to wear the glove so no-one can nick it off her finger” he
replies.
scarf” . The other two, slightly confused, ask “ What's the scarf for?” “ So that when she wears it
in crowded places, she can put the scarf around her neck to prevent it being snatched” the
Scotsman replies.
Irishman had bought his wife and invited him to tell them. “ Well, I got her a pair of shoes and a
vibrator” he says.
she doesn't like the shoes she can go fuck herself!!”
A: A whore will fuck anybody, and a bitch will fuck anybody but you
A: By looking over your shoulder.
A: “ Honey, I'm home. ”
blowjob?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your
meat; but you just can't beat a blowjob.
she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to
school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “ How many grains of sand
are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher
asks the class, “ How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated,
little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3
day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny gets two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the
teacher says, “ Here's this week's question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the
Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any
disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, “ Okay, who's
the comedian with the black balls?” Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “ Bill Cosby,
see ya on Tuesday!”
No,” said his mom, “ of course not. ” Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard
him yell to his friends, “ It's okay, we can play that game again!”
Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came
into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and
Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me. ”
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. “ But why?” croaks the
husband. “ Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me. ” “ Well,” said little Johnny, “ I
was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got
undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did,
Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!”
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the
female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody
caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a
hefty fine of $180. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?” .
One male student asks: “ How much for a seasonal pass?”
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O. J. and Ron's DNA
General Maintenance
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Had One Never Did Again
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive. . .
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Virtually Worthless
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
(read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders. )
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “ Guns don't kill people.
I do. ”
A: Your car.
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
A: Make eye contact and wave “ hello” if he/she is cute.
A: The color.
A: Heavy psychedelics.
A: Carry loaded weapons.
the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. “ My son Kent,” says
one, “ has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a
carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the
last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift. ”
The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman,
but now owns a multi-line dealership. “ Nute's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he
gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift. ”
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few
weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing
“ To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out,” he replies. “ For
fifteen years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However,
on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have
given him
a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates. ”
naval ship and the Canadian authorities off Newfoundland in October
1995.
release by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10/95.
collision.
south to avoid collision.
your course.
warship of the US navy. Divert your course now.
. . . For refund, insert baby!
. . . An organ grinder!
. . . Because it got pissed off!
. . . Make a tire and call it a good year!
. . . You use both to catch those special moments!
both fucking close to water!!
. . . They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them!
. . . No one to talk to during orgasm!
. . . Come in eight flavors!
. . . It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out!
. . . 68; at 69 you have to turn around!
. . . Snowballs!
. . . They both like a tight seal!
. . . One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being!
lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on!
. . . Einstein's dick!
. . . the longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
. . . he married her!
. . . with a crowbar!
. . . they're both empty from the neck up!
riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much
conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing
terrain.
The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure
them out. Looking down at the Polak's suitcase the scientist saw what he thought to be a Polish
name. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, “ Hey, do you want to play a
game?”
The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the
window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, “
Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give
me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5. ”
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was
obviously a very bright man, and most likely an American. He politely turned down the scientist's
offer.
The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. “ Look, I'll ask you a question,
and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Them you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it,
I'll give you $50!”
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted
the offer. “ Okay,” the scientist said, “ what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the
Moon?”
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question.
the bill and promptly said, “ Okay, now it's your turn. ”
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, “ Alright, what goes up a mountain on
three legs, but comes down on four?”
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time,
taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad
and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.
After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole
time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet
accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.
“ Wait!” the scientist shouted. “ You can't do this to me! What's the answer??”
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into the his hand.
and says :” You know, if we could just get this to lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens!” . He
then grabs one of her boobs and says, “ You know, if we could just get these to give milk, we
could get rid of the cows!” . The wife was not impressed. She reached around behind her and
grabbed her husband’s crotch and said “ Yea, and if we could get this hard, we could get rid of
your brother!”
of them.
A: They won't stop to ask directions!
A: A gingerbread man. . . He's sweet, he's quiet and if he gives you any crap, you can bite his
head off!
1 - “ What are you thinking?”
2 - “ Do you love me?”
3 - “ Do I look fat?”
4 - “ Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 - “ What would you do if I died?”
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major
argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For
example:
1 - “ What are you thinking?”
The proper answer to this question, of course is, “ I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I
was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you. ” Obviously, this statement
bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which
was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of
Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “ If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “
I'd be talking instead of thinking. ” The other questions also have only one right answer but
many wrong answers:
2 - “ Do you love me?”
The correct answer to this question is, “ Yes. ” For those guys who feel the need to be
more elaborate, you may answer, “ Yes, dear. ”
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by “ love” .
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - “ Do I look fat?”
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “ No,
of course not” and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - “ Do you think she's prettier than me?”
The “ she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that
you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is, “ No, you are much prettier. ”
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - “ What would you do if I died?”
Correct answer: “ Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to
have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
Domino's Pizza truck that came my way. ”
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:
said the husband. “ Why do you ask such a question?” “ Would you remarry?” persevered the
wife. “ No, of course not, dear” said the husband. “ Don't you like being married?” said the
wife. “ Of course I do, dear” he said. “ Then why wouldn't you remarry?” “ Alright,” said the
husband, “ I'd remarry. ” “ You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. “ Yes” said the
husband. “ Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause. “ Well yes, I
suppose I would. ” replied the husband. “ I see,” said the wife indignantly. “ And would you let
her wear my old clothes? “ I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband. “ Really,” said the
wife icily. “ And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“ Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do. ” “ Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her
feet. “ And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too. ” “ Of course not, dear,” said the
husband. “ She's left-handed. . . ”
washing her “ private area” and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches
her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him,” Crazy as this sounds,
maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma. ” The husband is skeptical,
but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby
finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines. . .
no pulse. . . no heartrate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling
up his pants and says, “ I think she choked. ”
straight up. ” The bartender is getting the shots ready and as he does he says to the customer, “
Six shots, what, are you celebrating something. ” The young man nods and says, “ Yeah, my
first blow job. ” Bartender says, “ Well, then, shot number seven is on me. ” The customer looks
at the bartender for a moment and says, “ Thanks, but if the first six shots don't get the taste out
of my mouth, I don't think a seventh is really gonna help. ”
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first
time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register,
the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.
girlfriend at the door.
goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally,
after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, “ I had no idea you were this
religious. ”
pharmacist!”
stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach
every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig
started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm
around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he
removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more
cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another ship wreck. The only
survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and
they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to
their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle
breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting 'those' ideas
walk?”
he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out,
no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The
preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge
to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that
he was sick, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf
course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to
play he course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite
perturbed. He went to God and said, “ Look at the preacher. He
should be punished for what he is doing. ” God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it
sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup four
hundred yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A
picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “ Begging
Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him. ”
God smiled. “ Think about it -- whom can he tell?”
crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with
everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. ” First, you must wear a
diaphragm. ” Cinderella agrees. “ What's the second condition?” “ You must be home by 2 a. m.
Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. ” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The
appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a. m. , Cinderella
shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. “ Where have you been?” demands the fairy
godmother. “ Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!” “ I met a
prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything. ” “ I know of no prince with that kind of
power! What was his name?” “ I can't remember, exactly . . . Peter Peter, something or other. . .
. ”
I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to
educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. ” Rabbi, where did I
go wrong?” “ Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “ Like you, I too brought my boy
up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and
tells me he has decided to become a Christian. ” “ What did you do?” asked the Lawyer. ” I
turned to God for the answer” replied the Rabbi. ” And what did he say?” pressed the Lawyer.
God said “ Funny you should come to me. . . ”
out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “ Hello master, I
will grant you one wish, anything you want. ” The Russian begins thinking, “ Well, I really like
drinking vodka. ” Finally the Russian says, “ I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me
piss vodka. ” The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out
of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then
he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever
tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, “ Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!” She comes running
down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He
tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes
home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pissin
the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun
comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, “ Natasha
grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. ” His wife gets the glass from the
cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it,
his wife asks him, “ But Boris, why do we need only one glass?” Boris raises the glass and says,
“ Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle. ”
his job and bought 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the
postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. ” Names
Enoch. . . Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. . . Having a party Saturday. . . thought
you'd like to come. ” “ Great,” says Sam, “ after six months of this, I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you. ” As Enoch is leaving, he stops, “ Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some
drinkin'. ” “ Not a problem. . . after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of
'em. ” Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “ More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too. ”
Damn, Sam thinks. . . tough crowd. “ Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again. ”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “ I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too. ” “ Now
that's certainly not a problem” says Sam, “ Remember, I’ve been alone for six months! I'll
definitely be there . . . by the way, what should I wear? Enoch stops in the door again and says,
“ Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us. ”
sitting next to him says “ I don't believe you - do you know me?” The first guy says “ Sure Phil,
we met two years ago at a convention - my name is Tony - remember?” The second guy says “
Okay, I remember, but I still don't believe you know everyone” . So he asks Tony if he knows the
bartender. Tony and the bartender, of course, go way back. The bartender confirms this. Phil
tries to think of someone Tony couldn't possibly know. So he says to Tony, “ Do you know Bill
Clinton?” Tony replies “ Oh yeah, Bill and I smoked dope back at Oxford together. ” To prove it,
he calls Bill Clinton on the President’s private line. The two have a 20 minute conversation
before hanging up. Phil is now determined to come up with someone Tony would never be able
to know. This time he says, “ How about the Pope?” The only way to prove this is to go to the
Vatican. Tony and Phil get on a plane and fly to the Vatican. At the Vatican, Tony requests an
audience with the Pope, and much to Phil's surprise, is immediately granted one. Tony goes
inside, and a few minutes later appears on the balcony with the Pope. They seem like old
friends. Looking out into the crowd, Tony sees Phil faint. He runs down to him and asks what
happened. ” Well,” said Phil, “ I could believe you knew the bartender. I could believe you knew
Bill Clinton. But when I saw you and the Pope on the balcony and the guy next to me say 'Who's
that guy up there with Tony?’, that was too much. ”
Finally he said, “ Tell you what - just grab hold of that club like it was your husband's dick and
haul off and hit it. ” She did, and made a great drive down the center of the fairway. The
instructor said, “ Hey, that was really great. Now, take the club out of your mouth and see what
you can do with your hands. ”
hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell
sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I
smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't
because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I
can smell is molasses."
week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients,
demanding attention
and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than
a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be
adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. One
afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling
at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to
accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the
other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal
temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and
allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't
move. I'll be back in five minutes to
check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general
with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a
1 "I'm down here!"
2 "Just because I've got bells on my feet doesn't mean I'm a sissy!"
3 I was a lawn ornament for Gary Sweet."
4 "I can get you off the naughty list!"
5 "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
6 "I'm a magical being! Take off your bra!"
7 "It's not size that matters babe!"
8 "I get a thimbleful of tequila into me and I turn into a wild man!"
9 "You'd look hot in a Raggedy Ann wig!"
10 "I can eat my weight in cocktail frankfurts!"
12 "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
13 "You have some nice jewellery. It would look good on my nightstand."
14 "Chicks dig me - I wear coloured underwear!"
15 Look at the tag on her shirt and say "I wanted to see if you were really made in heaven."
16 "If I gave you neglige for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?"
17 "That's a nice shirt - can I talk you out of it?"
18 "Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them."
19 "Do I know you from somewhere - or is it just that you have your clothes on?"
20 "Hi, I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced nipples."
21 "Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock it's a gem!"
22 She: "What do you think of this dress/top/skirt?" He: "I like nothing better!"
23 "What do like for breakfast?"
24 "Can I buy you a drink, or would you just like the money?"
25 "Would you like a gin & platonic or do you prefer scotch & sofa?"
26 "Hey, how about pizza & a fuck?" "What, don't you like pizza?"
27 "Would you like to have morning coffee with me?"
28 "Lets do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?"
29 "Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?"
30 "I don't look like much now, I'm drinking milk."
31 "I've had quite a bit to drink tonight & you're beginning to look pretty good!"
32 "I've got a thirst baby, and you smell like Gatorade!"
33 "Do you like chicken? Suck this, it's foul!"
34 "Do you know the difference between hamburgers and head jobs?" "No? Let's do lunch then!"
35 Hand out cards saying: "Smile if you want to sleep with me" and watch them hold back their
laughter.
36 At the photocopier: "Reproducing hey? Can I help?"
37 Motion with your finger for the girl to come over. When she does say "I knew if I fingered you
enough you'd come!"
38 Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have the energy?"
39 Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have the place in mind?"
40 When she asks for a match: "My penis, your vagina."
41 Walk over to a ladies table, take your dick out & say "Hey Charlie, anyone here you
recognise?"
42 "Stand back, I'm a doctor! You get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes!"
43 Holding out fingers: "Why should women masturbate with these fingers?" "Because they're
mine!"
44 "Hi, my name is {name}. How do you like me so far?"
45 "You look like a girl who has heard every single line in the book - so what's one more!"
46 "Bond. James Bond."
47 "Excuse me, are you ready to go home yet?"
48 "Hi, I make more money than you can spend."
49 "Hi, can I buy you a car?"
50 "I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?"
51 "Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars from the sky & put them in your
eyes."
52 "Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!"
53 "You know what I like about you?" "My arms."
54 "If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you."
55 "I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you
disappointed?"
56 "Who's a nice girl doing in a place like this?"
57 "Do you have a 40 cents?" "Too bad, because I need to call my mother and tell her I just
found the woman of my dreams."
58 "Do you have a map?" "I just keep on getting lost in your eyes."
59 "Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers."
60 "Did it hurt?" "When you fell from heaven?"
61 "Inheriting eighty million dollars doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart."
62 "Excuse me, do you live around here often?"
63 "Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home together?"
64 "What's your sign?"
65 "Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you."
66 "What was that?" "That sound?" "The sound of my heart breaking?"
67 "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U & I together."
68 "I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"
69 "I was sitting here holding my cigarette when I realised I'd rather be holding you."
70 "If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now."
71 "I feel like Richard Gere, standing here next to you, the Pretty Woman"
72 "Sorry, I thought you were someone else, by the way, here's my card."
73 "Say, didn't we go to different schools together?"
74 "Drop 'em"
75 "Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?"
76 "Hey baby, let's make some babies!"
78 "Hey babe, can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?"
79 "Hey babe, can you suck start a Harley?
80 "Hey babe, wanna get lucky?"
81 To a mother: "Hey mother - want another?"
82 To a mother: "What is your favourite position on extramarital sex?"
83 "Your place or mine?"
84 "Your place or the mens bathroom?"
85 "Your face or mine?"
86 "If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"
87 "If I told you that you had an ugly body, would you hold it against me?"
88 "Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?"
89 "I love you. I want to marry you. Now let's fuck."
90 "Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids, lets play gynaecologist!"
91 "Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh."
92 "I wanna floss with your pubic hair!"
93 "I'm on fire, can I run through your sprinkler?"
94 "I'd look good on you!"
95 "Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?"
96 "I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else."
97 "I would kill or die to make love to you!"
98 "Sex is a killer... Want to die happy?"
99 "I love every bone in your body, especially mine."
100 "Now Bitch!"
101 "Fancy a fuck?"
102 "My face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it!"
103 "Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?"
104 "I'm aboriginal. Do you have any aboriginal in you?" "Would you like some?"
105 "I think you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... on a Wednesday!"
106 "How did you acheive such a gaudy effect with only Avon cosmetics?"
107 "You're ugly, but you interest me."
108 "Do you beleive in one night stands?"
109 "With one touch I can make you make noise only dogs can hear!"
110 "I'm leaving this place - want to Cum?"
111 "Why, you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!"
112 "Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here! Get them while they're hot!"
113 "Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a manfriend, come and talk to me!"
114 "You've got nice breasts, but are your nipples brown or pink?"
115 "Is it cold outside, or are you just smuggling tic-tacs?"
116 "Pardon me, but I was about to go home and masturbate, and I was wondering if you'd mind
if I fantasize about you."
117 "Sit on my lap and well talk about the first thing that pops up!"
118 "Sit on my lap and lets get things straight between us."
119 "You smell wet - let's Party!"
120 "Pardon me miss, but I couldn't help noticing that you have cum in your hair."
121 "Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick!"
122 "Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?"
123 "I saw you at the party last weekend, and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet
sometime..."
124 "No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for $50?"
125 "You have the ass of a great artist."
126 "Let's take a shower together - you smell."
127 "If I was Elvis, would you screw me?"
128 "Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew?"
129 "Cold out isn't it?" (Staring at breasts)
130 "Hey... Somebody farted - lets get out of here!"
131 "I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?"
132 "Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated?"
133 "Do you sleep on your front?" "Do you mind if I do?"
134 "Do you want to go halves in a baby?"
135 "Ever played leap frog naked?"
136 "I'll bet you ten bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds"
137 "Since we shouldn't waste this day & age, what you say we use these condoms in my pocket
before they expire?"
138 "Would you like to see me naked?"
139 "Anything drugs can do, I can do with my tongue!"
140 "Either way, I'm going to have you tonight, so you might as well be there."
141 "Wanna go halves in a bastard?"
142 "Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?" "Do you want to go
upstairs and talk?"
143 "Sit on my face and let me get to nose you better!"
144 "Excuse me, do you beleive in love at first sight or do I have to walk past you again?"
145 "Fuck me if I'm wrong but you want to fuck me don't you?"
146 "Fuck me if I'm wrong but you want to kiss me?"
147 "Fuck me if I'm wrong but isn't you're name Gretchen?"
148 "Hello Susie, your mummy couldn't make it this afternoon. She asked me to pick you up and
take you home. My that's a pretty dress..."
149 "I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know
that? What you need now is a nice back rub. Are the straps too tight darling? How very, very
tragic."
150 "Do you want to see something swell?"
151 "Hey babe, do you know my mouth can generate over 750 psi?"
152 "Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologise?"
153 "Wanna fuck like bunnies?
154 Follow these instructions: 1. Make sure that you are in front of the person you are trying to
attract. 2. Put your hands in a vertical plane and seperate your hands to the desired distance. 3.
down as to reply that you're this big.
155 "What would you do if I kissed you right now?"
156 "Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep
with me?"
157 "I'm single!"
158 "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
159 "I'm drunk."
160 "Would you like to come and party in my toolshed?"
161 "Will you marry me and have my children?"
162 "You know, I'd really like to fuck your brains out, but it seems somebody beat me to it!"
163 To someone just out of the shower: "Can I borrow your towel?"
164 "I've got an itch. Lower. Lower."
165 "If you want me, don't wake me, or shake me, just take me."
166 "Hi, I'm a flight steward."
167 "May I please rest my head on your shoulder?"
168 Hold up a vibrator: "Do you know how to use one of these?"
169 "Fuck me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before?"
170 "I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; Oh and by
the way, you have my consent."
171 "I'm sure you didn't mean to turn me on with your big ass, but it's too late now!"
172 "Hi, I'm taking a survey. Do you spit or swallow?"
173 "I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck?"
174 "I haven't seen you in a while, you sure look different without my dick in your mouth."
175 "Hi. My name's Campbell. You'll be screaming that later."
176 "What winks and fucks like a tiger?" (said while winking)
177 "What are you drinking?" ("_______") "Wanna screw?"
178 "Yo. You'll do."
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll
stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on
your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane
sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen
tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another
table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally
finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you
have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral
arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait
a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the
meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of
underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in
a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid,
senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup
at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a
bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset
during the debacle at Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many
false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work,
the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with
a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows
are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and
asks, "What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?" The artist replied, "Custer's
Last Thought had to
have been: 'Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?'"
Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this
for a while, the two nuns
decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of
the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a
blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"
they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping
someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of
not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of
course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun,
"You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on
earth is to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a
man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest
also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between
your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it
creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel so we can
get out of here!!
A SCREW DRIVER TURNS IN SCREWS AND, CLINTON SCREWS INTERNS.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking. "He must
be mad at me".
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to skeevy.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least
in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you migh become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the
room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere.
wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals
to let us play through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned
around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is
my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done,
stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."
seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his
mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the
door.
- first, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- now take off my bra...
which he does.
- and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
and when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
activity.
"I'm going to reach into this bag and describe an object to you and then you let me know what
you think it is. Okay class, here we go."
She reaches into the bag and says, "I am holding something that is round, hard, and red."
Sally raises her hand and says, "It's an apple."
"Very good," the teacher says. "I like the way you're thinking. Now I am holding something round,
hard, and yellow."
Georgie raises his hand and says, "It's a lemon."
"Very good," the teacher says. " I like the way you're thinking."
At this point Johnny jumps up and yells, "Okay teacher. I have my hand in my pocket and I'm
holding something round, hard, and with a head on it!"
"You're disgusting!" the teacher says. "Go to the office!"
Whereupon Johnny pulls out a quarter and says, "You're wrong, but I like the way you're
thinking!"
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old
man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on
that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat
woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of
a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this
absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's
eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your
story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so
today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man
hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on
him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand
that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but
okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over
the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and
I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks
for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and
every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or
something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on
onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.
I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started
pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below,
stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and
asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
take me to Times Square?" In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey
sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat? The nun says, "Why no my son,
whatever is on your mind?" The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you tellin me you never
think about doin' it? The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or
two. I am of weak human flesh you understand." The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you
know, doin' it?" The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique
circumstance, I might consider it.
The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?" The nun, "Well, he'd have to be
Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no children." The cabbie, "Well, sista,
today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why dont youse come on up here...I won't even make you
really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."
The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her....at
the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into
the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear.
As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what
is so humorous?" The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four
kids. And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah, well my name's
Steven and I'm on my way to a costume party."
best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin
and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years
old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young many replies "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They
cost $500,000." "That's a lot of money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped
driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped,
the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes, so the guy
decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 320 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down
to see what it could be and suddenly, whhooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much
faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" the young man asks
himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooosshh! It goes by again!
And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?" Again, he sees a
dot in his rear view mirror! Whoooshka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing
the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it IS the old man!!! Of course, the
moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says,
"You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram
into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the
please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes
it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the
accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever
with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers
cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves
his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says, Ticket, please."
can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is
a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard,
and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him
out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it
suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of
minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the
trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
“How can you be a virgin, if you were married three times before?” the skeptical new husband
asks
.“Well, my first husband was a psychiatrist, and he only wanted to talk about it.”
“My second husband was a gynecologist, and he only wanted to look at it.”
“My third husband, Larry, was a stamp collecter.”
She starts to cry and yells out God I’ll miss him!!!!!!!”
kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he
was greeted by the whole family, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house
handed him a selection of terrific fishing hooks.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing
negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind
him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausages, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was
truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar
bill sticking our from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we
should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him. Give him
a dollar. Breakfast was my idea."
he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face
up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine,
release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities
take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be
as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the
guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says:
"Hey, I see what your problem is."
island for months now. Two of them are married, Billy is the third and he's sick and tired of
seeing those two screwin all over the place. What bugs Billy even more is that the wifey wants to
screw him too, but her husband won't let her.
So one day, while Billy is sitting ontop of his favorite palm tree, at least 100 feet off the sand, he
notices the couple sitting down and talking. He screams down to them, "Hey you two, stop
fucking!" He climbs down the tree and storms off into the forest, muttering to himself about
having to watch them screw all the time. The couple shrug their shoulders and continue with their
conversation.
The next day, Billy is ontop of his tree again and notices them sitting down talking again. He
screams down, "Dammit! Will you stop fucking down there?!" The husband yells back up to him,
"Are you going blind? We're just talking!" Billy climbs down the tree and apologizes, saying,
"Maybe I am going blind."
Now the husband is curious and wants to see for himself so he climbs the tree. While he's up
there Billy and the wifey get a quickie in. The husband climbs down and says, "You were right,
from up there it looks like you were fucking my wife!"
So as a gift to her, he had her name tatooed to his dick, but when he wasn't hard, you could only
see the W and the Y. One day when he was in the washroom, a big Black dude went to the
urinal beside him. Accidentally, Fred saw a W and a Y on the black guys cock.
He asked, "Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?"
The man replied, "No man, when I'm hard that says "Welcome to the island of Jamaica. Have a
nice Day."
is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this
morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's
upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming.
He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want
you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." “The
maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid
comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming
pool!" "What pool?"
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
horizon.
He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he
thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleave and pulls out a pack of fresh
cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? "He replies, "Ten
years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says
to him,
"And how long has it been since you've has some REAL fun?" And the mans replies, "My God!
Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
then. but he always had a very embarassing and somewhat lively reaction to them. Then, one
day, he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he
thought to himself, she is a sweet and gentle girl and will never go for this kind of carrying on.
So, he made the supreme sacrafice and gave up the beans. The were married thereafter.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the
country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was
overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any
effects before reaching home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three
sure that he had putted his last.
His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed: Darling, I have the
most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight. She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at
the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. Then
she went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let
go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and
vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt the
urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true
prize winner.
While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for 10 minutes, until he knew the phone
farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands
on top of it and smiling contently to himself was the perfect picture on innocence. When his wife
returned she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At that point, she removed the blindfold
and revealed his surprise.
Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party for him.
lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed
directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the
window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and
no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a
turban on his head. The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and
freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful", he answered.
The wife, said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep
for myself," the genie replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a
scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income
of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
Then the genie said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been
with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The
husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long
have you been married?" She replied, "3 years." The genie then asked, "How old is your
husband?" To which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "And he STILL
believes in genies??”
says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is
phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly.
He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard somone crying for help
and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog
and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned
into a beautiful, voloptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at
my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded,
whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was
standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here
by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered
into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied,
"How about a little head?"
smoke cleared, the bear was gone. "Damn it" he said. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. When
he turned around there was the bear looking quite disturbed. The bear said, "look, I can either
maul you, rip your guts out, or you can drop your pants and bend over." The hunter thought of
Later the hunter went out and bought himself a high-powered rifle with a Browning scope. He
went out looking for the bear. When he saw the bear he raised his rifle, aimed and shot. BLAM!
When the smoke cleared, the bear was gone. "Damn it" he said, "Damn it". The hunter felt a tap
on his shoulder again. When he turned around, there was the bear again. The bear said "You
know the drill". So the hunter turned around and dropped his drawers again.
This time he bought an expensive military rifle, with a heat sensored scope. He went out after the
bear again. He found the bear, aimed and shot. BLAM! The blast was so big that it knocked him
off his feet. He got up and looked around and the bear was gone. "GOD DAMN IT" he said.
Meanwhile the bear was leaning against a tree picking his finger nails and said, "YOU'RE NOT
REALLY OUT HERE FOR THE HUNTING, ARE YOU?"
make it to the shoreline but realize that now their guns are waterlogged and useless. They
decide to walk back to their car when they stumble upon a bear and her cubs. Realizing they're
defenseless and cannot outrun her, they're paralyzed with fear.
Then one of the guys bends down and begins tying his boot laces especially tight. His friend
says, "What are you doing? We're doomed! You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I know
that, but I only have to outrun you."
are the father of two children" "Thats what you think", he replied. "I'm the father of three." The
fortune teller smiled and said "Thats what you think"
along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A
beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian
soldier, and a Czech dissident.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then
is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train
exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face,
and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.
The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the
Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps
him one!"
The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier,
he'drather kiss that old hag than me."
The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steals
the kiss and I get slapped."
And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through
the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
Russian soldier."
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather
bored.
Weight Guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was
absolutely right.
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to
do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and
using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,
"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded
me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but
I'm just not happy"
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create
a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligentthat she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be
so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to
make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She
will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and
your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is
the
story:
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which
killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that
a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some
window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide anyway because of this.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide
ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he
intended.
That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But
the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused
the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The
room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by
an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her
with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he
completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking
Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.
When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both
adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said
it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded
shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of
Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally
loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly,loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of
the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the
son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure
of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off
the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast
through a ninth story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
- - - - - - -
Or at least poetic justice.
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."
the human body could grow to six times its size at certain times. A little girl raised her hand and
said, "Teacher, you know my daddy's a preacher and you know we don't say those words in my
house. You are just trying to embarrass me." Next he called on Johnny and Johnny said, "The
iris, it grows to six times it size when you are in the dark." Teacher said, "That's right Johnny."
Then said, "Little girl you have a very dirty mind, and when you grow up and get married one
day, you are going to be very disappointed."
one being perturbed at this asks, "are you sure?" "Aye, I'm positive!!!"
He crawls up the beach, shattered and alone, all his possessions lost forever. As he makes his
way up to the single palm tree, he notices something in the sand - it looks like a human hand.
Sure enough it is a human hand, in fact it's the hand of Claudia Schiffer who was also
shipwrecked at an earlier date, and then unfortunately buried by a freak sandstorm.
Our hero rescues the teutonic beauty, and she is, as you can imagine, eternally grateful. For
many days they live happily together - basking in the sunshine, making love in the sand,
in the sea - but despite this idyllic lifestyle, Claudia notices our hero (lets call him Bob) Bob,
getting more and more restless.
One day, unable to control her curiosity, she confronts him: "Darling,
Bob, is there anything wrong?"
Bob sighs, and replies "Claudia, this is all really great, and you're a babe and all, but I can't go
on like this any longer."
Claudia is disconsolate. "What is it Bob? Do I not please you? Do I not cater for your every need
and desire? Is there anything I could do that would make it better?"
Bob (warily): "well there is one thing - would you mind taking and putting on my trousers?"
Claudia is spooked, but agrees, and Bob removes his tatty trousers and hands them over. She
put them on.
Bob (more excited now): "Great, now will you put on my shirt?"
Claudia reticently does as she is told.
Bob (in raptures): "Brilliant. Now will you tie back your hair and draw a moustache on with this
charcoal and go over there behind the single palm tree and then walk out from behind it and say
"Hello, Bob, it's me, your old friend Jim!"?"
Claudia can't stand this and refuses. But Bob is persistant, and so excited by this point that
eventually she agrees to his request on the condition that it is a one off and she will never have
to do it again. She does as requested and, when she is ready, she steps out nervously from
behind the single palm tree.
Claudia: "Hello, Bob, it's me, your old friend Jim!"
Bob: "Jim! Mate! You will not BELIEVE who I'm fucking!!"
Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin,
the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and
asked him to come back in a week.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him
his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most
obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this
supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what
he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard
anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small
guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen
is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years
passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard
and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and
every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir
Galahad.
"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the
nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless.
field. Do you see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with my
own two hands... But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? No..." Then the old man
gestured at the bar. Old man - Look here at the bar. Do you see how smooth and just it is? I
planed that surface down by my own aching back. I carved that wood with my own hard labour,
for eight days... But do they call me McGreggor-the-bar-builder? No..." Then the old man points
out the window. Old man - "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do you see that pier that stretches out as
far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off my back. I nailed it board by board...
But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? No..." Then the old man looks around
nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. Old man - "But you fuck one goat..."
back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - if he could
just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where
there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from
home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc. but
to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have 15 dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman
was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
returned to Las Vegas and this time he won a lot of money. Feeling pretty good about himself, he
went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but the cabbie who had
refused to give him a ride a year before, when he was down on his luck. The businessman
thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on
a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"15 dollars," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blo*job on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions,
with the same result.
When he got to the cabbie at the back of the line (who had refused to give him a ride a year
ago), he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "15 dollars."
The businessman said "OK" and off they went.
As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up
sign to each driver...
Every week for the past four weeks he had been going to his doctor to have a suppository
inserted to treat the affliction.
On the last occasion he went, the doctor said, "I may not be here next week to treat you but my
very capable nurse will do the necessary."
Sure enough, the following week when he arrived, the doctor was not available and the nurse
said, "I'll take care of your needs, go into the next room, drop your pants and I'll be there in a
minute to take care of your needs."
He did as she asked and waited. She entered the room, positioned herself behind him as he bent
over, placed her left hand on his left shoulder and inserted the suppository with a firm but not too
rough touch.
The next moment, the man let out a long blood-curdling scream and could not be comforted in
any way.
"What's the matter," said the nurse, "I was gentle, it didn't hurt did it?"
"No it didn't hurt," he said "I just realised that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH his hands on
my shoulders..."
checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room
whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and
the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself
across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and
coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning
cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't
understand it. Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a
buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I
thought he was talking about money!"
him, they hear him moaning, "Ooooohhhhh, my new BMW....oooohhhh, my new BMW.."
One of the paramedics kneels down tells him, "Look, sir, I don't know if you realize this, but your
arm's been torn completely from your body, so I wouldn't worry about the car right now."
The Yuppie looks towards his missing arm and groans, "Ooooohhh, my Rolex...oooohhh, my
Rolex.."
testy. One morning, the first friend says,
"You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike
north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll
have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The friend agrees and hikes south. The other man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I
followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake.
As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were
filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second man says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until
I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in
every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back
to camp."
"No," says his friend. "I couldn't be bothered to find her head."
move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did,
you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock
of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on
my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."
should stop at the church and confess.
He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed
fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."
The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."
The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he
did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness."
"No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies
landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Frenchman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had
happened.
The Scotsman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling,
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students
raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good.
I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise
their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise
their hands."That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever
made love to a ghost? One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He
takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about
your experience."The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the
podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student
replies, "Ghost?!?" "Dang it, I thought you said 'goats.'"
prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene
was also instructed not to look at Fr.John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told
her to do, and pray.The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
nightbath had gone."Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.""Saved? And
how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun."Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the
tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between
his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun
evenly.Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the
portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal
peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the
old nun even more evenly."At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was
often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt
so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
find some odd jobs to do until he finds workagain. Unfortunately, neither of them are very
successful, and the rent comesdue. After much deliberation, it's decided that the wife will work
this on the condition that her husband will be located around the corner in case anything goes
wrong. After she stands on the street corner for a few minutes, a man in a car stops and asks her
how much she'scharging.She suddenly realizes that she has no idea how much to charge. So,
sheexcuses herself and runs around the corner to talk to her husband. "He wantsto know how
much," she tells her husband. "Tell him $100," her husband responds. The woman goes back to
the man and tells him the price. He responds that he only has $25. The woman excuses herself
again and reports this to her husband. He says, "Tell him that's okay, but he can only get a blow
job, no intercourse." The woman goes back to the man in the car and says, "$25 is fine, but you
can only get a blow job."The man in the car agrees, and unzips his fly, only to release a very
largepenis. The woman excuses herself again, and runs around the corner to herhusband.
"Honey, can I borrow $75?"
kneeling
Gifted.
Bonds Mature.
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
I can do better.
Wife: As opposed to what?
They can't stand criticism.
born with a penis and a brain.
A man's undivided attention.
1. No mind.
2. No business.
you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
They irritate the shit out of you.
A tourist.
To keep them from grazing.
windows.
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Because they already have boyfriends.
He had it bronzed.
Its sex with someone they love.
Two ways to cross a river.
144 men in one room.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
outside.
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
A padded headboard.
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
other man looked up and said, "where?"
To keep the swellin down.
together. Early on in their conversation they brought up the subject of their respective
occupations.
First Man : I'm a car salesman.
Second Man: Well my job is quite secretive, you see, I'm a hit man.
First Man : No shit!!
Second Man: No it's true. Look I'll show you. I have golf clubs that can be assembled into a high
powered rifle.
So the hit man takes his golf clubs and in minutes has assembled a high powered rifle complete
with telescopic sights. He hands it to the other man who starts looking through the sights and
after a few minutes realizes he can see his own house with the telescopic sights.
First Man : Shit!! My wife is sun bathing naked in the back yard.... What's this?!! The neighbor is
jumping over the fence and he's naked too!... How much do you charge for a hit?
Second Man: $5000 a pop.
First Man : All right. Shoot them both and I'll pay you the 10 grand.
Second Man: Okay. Where abouts do you want them shot?
neighbor in the balls, the randy bastard.
So the hit man lines up his gun and takes aim. After a few minutes the hit man still hasn't fired.
First Man : What's taking you so long?
Second Man: If you wait a minute I might be able to save you $5000!
reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it would be best to
show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for
$500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"
The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal
for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"
The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality,
we're just living with a couple of whores."
The doctor, obstetrician and nurses are all waiting for the birth.
The doc checks for any sign of progress, suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his
hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, "Are you my daddy?"
"No, I'm not," The doctor replies.
The head pops back in.
The obstetrician goes over to check out the situation.
The baby pops out his head and asks him, "Are you my daddy?"
"Nope, I didn't do it.
"The baby pops back in.
The doctor calls the father: "Sir, the baby seems to be reluctant to come out -- he keeps asking
for his father.
Would you please come to the delivery room?"
So the father is standing there and the baby pops his head out again, and seeing his father the
little one asks in an annoyed voice, "Are You my daddy?"
Dad kneels down and answers proudly, "Yes, son, I am your lucky father!" The baby starts
tapping his index finger violently and repeatedly on his father's forehead and asks, "How do you
like it???”
doctor who is giving the tour decides to show the young upstart the "special" wing of the hospital
where all of the bizarre and odd ailments are treated. The two men enter the first room on the
ward and witness a man standing in the corner jacking-off like a crazed fool. The intern stands
there, jaw agape, and asks what ails this man. The wise, old doctor replies, "This man has a
strange imbalance that causes him to produce about ten times the normal amount of sperm and
if he doesn't relieve himself at least three times a day, it could result in very serious testicular
trauma." The intern, still in shock, reluctantly shrugs it off and the two men move on. Upon
entering the second room, they witness a man laying on his bed, spread-eagle, getting a blowjob
from a beautiful young nurse. The intern again asks what the hell is going on and the doctor
replies simply, "Same ailment, better health plan."
girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out
the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to
town is $25."
He asks if he can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join.
He strips and goes for a walk.
After a while the man becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful
woman and the sight of her causes the old man to become excited.
The woman, noticing the man's erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by
performing oral sex on him.
The man is thrilled.
He hurries back to the office and tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.
The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk.
While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up.
A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man.
The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his membership.
"But why", asks the person at the desk, "you just said this was one of
the greatest places you ever visited."
my cigar five times a day."
When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa ask, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".
"No", said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".
night when he hears strange sounds coming from inside.
He peeks in the door to see his mother lying on the bed, rubbing herself and moaning:
"I need a man"..."I need a man".
The next night, as he walks by, he again hears strange sounds.
He peeks inside to see his mother with a man in bed with her.
The night after that, Johnny's mother hears strange sounds coming
from his room.
She tip-toes to the door, peeks inside and there's Johnny, lying on his bed, rubbing himself and
moaning,
"I need a bike"... "I need a bike."
The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes again.
He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts.
She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed
your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.
I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange.
What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
1) Talk about your roommate to your invisible friend while your roommate is in the room.
2) Create a shrine in your room to a piece of broccoli (or other vegetable of your choice)
including candles and incense. Worship it nightly before bed Demand that your roommate join
you. If he refuses complain loudly that he is a pagan. Refer to him to his face and to others as
"the infidel".
3) Make your roommates bed every morning. When he goes to sleep in it, demand that he sleep
on top of the covers so as not to ruin your hard work. Do not ever make your own bed.
4) Take all of your roommates belongings and hide them. Convince him that he never lived in the
room. (Bonus points if he checks with residence life)
5) Search the floor for your contact lens. Ask your roommate to help you. (Bonus points if you get
others in the dorm to help with your search) After about half an hour remember that you don't
wear contacts.
6) Eat lots of beans before going to bed (be sure to close all the windows before going to sleep).
7) When your roommate is asleep, call campus security and tell them your roommate is dead. (If
your campus security is anything like ours, he'll be halfway to the morgue before they realize
he's just asleep).
8) Whenever someone knocks at your door, bark loudly and run around in circles on the floor in
front of the door. If the person is a friend of your roommate, do tricks for him (i.e. beg, sit, shake,
roll over). Demand that he give you a milkbone as a reward.
9) Wake up early one morning and start screaming "They found me! Oh, shit, they found me!!!".
When your roommate asks, "Who's found you?", scream "Oh, god, your one of 'em", and jump
out the window. When you return to the room act like nothing has happened.
10) During the middle of the night, complain loudly that you want a drink of water. Keep
complaining until your roommate gets up and brings you a glass. When he goes to give you the
glass, tell him that you are no longer thirsty, then roll over and go to sleep.
1) Claim to have been a Christmas tree in your past life.... when your roommate brings one into
the room scream bloody murder.
2) Go to the mall with your roommate.... sit on Santa's lap and then refuse to get off
3) Wear a Santa suit all day..... deny that you are wearing it.
4) Sit in corner in fetal position rocking back and forth chanting "Santa clause is comin' to town
5) Hang stocking with roommates name on it and fill it with coal and sharp
objects... when questioned by roommate... respond by saying "you've been very naughty this
year"
6) Paint your nose red and put on antlers and complain about being left out of all the reindeer
games
7) Wrap yourself in nothing but Christmas lights and roll around in the snow
9) Build a snowman with your roommate. When you put the hat on and it doesn't come to life,
scream hysterically "It didn't work!"
10) Whip your roommate and shout "On donner, on cupid....etc"
11) Tear down your roommates Christmas decorations while muttering "bah humbug!"
12) Wake up every morning screaming, "Ghost of Christmas future have mercy on my soul!"
13) Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
14) Wear a long white fake beard and insist that all your roommates friends "give it a yank"
15) Recite over and over about how the grinch stole Christmas in your underwear in front of a
mirror
16) Smoke mistletoe and do what comes naturally
17) Watch your roommate sleep and when they wake up start singing "He sees you when you're
sleeping..."
18) Steal a life size nativity scene and put it in your room.... when your roommate questions you
say "I had to let them stay here.... there was no more room at the inn!"
stopped him and they started talking. His buddy says, “From now on, you should call me Mr.
Lucky. Did you hear about that plane crash a little while ago? 149 people died, and I walked
away without a scratch.” “Wow, that’s really impressive, Mr. Lucky!” They talk for a little while,
and then go their separate ways. A few months later, he sees his friend again. “Hey Mr.
Lucky!!” “Oh no, now you call me Mr. Super Lucky!!” “Oh, why?” “Did you hear about that train
wreck? 200 people killed, and I walked away without a scratch.” Once again, the men talk for a
while, and then go their separate ways. And once again, the meet some time later. “Hey Mr.
Super Lucky!” “Now you should call me Mr. Super Duper Lucky.” “Why?” “Last night, I was in a
hotel room with a hooker, and the man in the room below us was cleaning his gun when it went
off. It was pointing towards the ceiling, and the bullet took my balls off.” “Then why are you so
lucky, idiot!?” “Two minutes on either side of that, and it would have hit me right between the
eyes!!”
She said, "Why Harold, I'm surprised." He bolted upright, pointed his finger and corrected her,
"No. I'm surprised. You're astonished."
project. A genie appeared and granted each one wish. The first asked to be on a yacht in Hawaii
and poof he was gone. The second wished to be transported to a Florida beach and poof she
was away. The account exec thought briefly about his wish and then said, "I want those two lazy
staff back here, right now!"
thousand more just like you.
None. "He just fell."
health. Now, after painstaking research and millions of tax dollars, they've found a way to
compress those same benefits into a pill. It’s called a “grape”.
It changes your bloodtype.
buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't
seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He stepped up, cupped his
hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched
my clothes" and he replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."
much?" The first said , "It was free." The first asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?" The one
with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told
me I could have anything I wanted." The other engineer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't
have fit you anyway!"
When I asked the beautiful salesgirl for a ticket to Pittsburgh, what came out was a ‘picket to
Titsburg’. “
“That's nothing,” says the other. “The other day I asked my wife to pass the salt and ended up
saying, "You bitch, you ruined my life!"
I think of you as a brother [ you remind me of that banjo playing geek in "Deliverance" ]
There's a slight difference in our ages [ you are one jurassic geezer ]
My life is too complicated right now [ I don't want you spend the whole night or else you may hear
phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing ]
I've got a boyfriend [ who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's ]
I don't date men where I work [ Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar
system, much less the same building ]
It's not you; it's me [ It's not me, it's you ]
I'm concentrating on my career [ Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better
than dating you ]
I'm celibate [ I've sworn off only the men like you ]
Let's be friends [ I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the
other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing ]
(and what they really mean)
I think of you as a sister [ you're ugly]
There's a slight difference in our ages [ you're ugly ]
I'm not attracted to you in THAT way [ you're ugly ]
My life is too complicated right now [ you're ugly ]
I've got a girlfriend [ you're ugly ]
I don't date women where I work [ you're ugly ]
It's not you; it's me [ you're ugly ]
I'm concentrating on my career [ you're ugly ]
I'm celibate [ you're ugly ]
Let's be friends [ you're sinfully ugly ]
He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew and Greek.
It had no references.
It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has never bee able to reproduce his results.
He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjetcs.
When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his students failed.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Some say he had his Son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Oxford University Law School graduate from an uppercrust family; well-bred, well-connected,
and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Tennessee A & M. The
rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and
the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Oxford graduate went first. About thirty
seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started
again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and
recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went
'Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three; we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu
large
building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the
lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like
this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed
astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the
boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to
watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-
year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."
sherioush shpeech problem and it'sh driving me crazy!" The doctor examines this poor guy and
says, "I know exactly what your problem is...your penis is too long, sir. See, it somehow connects
with your tongue and presses down your throat causing your speech problem." The guy then
says, "I don't care! Cut if off then!" So the doctor does, of course. Two weeks later, that same
guy comes back to his doctor and says, "Doctor, my speech is fine now, but my sex life
sucks...it's pathetic! You have to sew it back on!" The doctor answers, "Are you sherioush? It'sh
absholutely out of the queshtion!!!!!"
I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the
woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What
do you mean, $200?"
all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her
comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly from the sky a voice
boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blond moved further down the
ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the
heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blond, now quite
worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to
cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?” The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-
Rink Manager!"
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land
of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall magestic mountains
full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful
with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over
looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked
with salmon."
God continued...
"I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants
prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known
as the most friendly people on the earth"
"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous
to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the neighbours I am
going to give them."
only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he
sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing
leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its
3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes
home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have
you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So
I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a
few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see
your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You Goddamn liar!!! You went
bowling again!!!"
trying to get back into its hole.He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."The
grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that
little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can ofhairspray. He
sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he puts the worm back into the
hole.The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,andruns into the
house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes backout andhands the little boy another five
dollars.The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."The grandfather replies,
"I know. That's from your grandma."
Because they had known each other for only a short time, they agreed not to talk about their past
history. On their honeymoon, they stopped at a motel with a swimming pool, put on their swim
suits and went to the pool. The husband climbed to the top of the high diving board and
proceeded to execute one fantastic dive after another. The other motel guests at the pool
cheered and applauded his outstanding performance. Although they had agreed not to discuss
the past, he confessed to his bride he once had been an Olympic divingchamp. After a few
like a shark. Reaching the other side of the pool, she sprang from the water, turned around,dived
back into the water and swam to the other side in just a fewseconds. She repeated this behavior
for about five minutes before she finally stopped and sat down beside her husband. He was
absolutely astounded by this incredible performance and said, "Although we agreed not to talk
about the past, I just have to know where you learned to swim like that!" "It's very simple. I once
was a prostitute in Venice,Italy."
personal problem. The man could not find any answers so he sought help from God. "God!?
God?! Are you there God?!", he shouted. God responded, "What is it my son?" "I have a few
questions, mind if I ask?" "Go right ahead, my son. anything.", God said "God, what is a million
years to you?" "God said, "a million years to me is only a second". "Hmmm", he wondered. Then
he asked again, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "a million dollars to me
is only worth a penny." The man lift his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question. "God…
can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....in a second".
so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her
cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is
it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where
do you get those?". The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms
at the pharmacy.
pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a
little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do
you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!".
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America,
yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before
in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "well, what's the
difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will
help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then,"
said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is
hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a
place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but
not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think
I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to
Hell.
Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark
caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill
responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing
like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that
other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???" "That
was a demo," replied St. Peter. This is a released version.
out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her
husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After
further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some
aspirin and went to bed. After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to
go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I
wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different
Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one
girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would
go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they
should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking,
she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.
He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked "Well, how was
the party?" He replied, "It was no fun without you honey." She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you
had lots of fun!" He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got
bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my
costume to had one hell of a great time."
his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is
all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly
be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can
cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have
to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor
"What happens after when its over?". The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it
will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is
lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on. His wife turns over and
says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"
York City seeing the sights. As lunchtime approaches they decide they are hungry. They then
come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God.
Do they eat dogs in America?" "I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the
first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in
a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks
inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you
get?"
chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack
my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to
pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he
returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot
to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle
box!"
yesterday." "Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked. "Because, father, he
touched me on my arm without permission" "Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm. "Yes
father." "That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father he also touched my
breasts." "You mean like this??" He touches her breasts. "Yes father." "That's no reason to call
him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he took off my clothes." "Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father." "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father he then put his you-
know-what in my you-know-where." "Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-
where. "Yes father," she says sometime later. "But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense
from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by
one boy, "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer."
Johnny; tell me your REAL name!"
can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if
you don't believe me!"
went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade
the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the
room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer
in here?"
get a cookie break!"
wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge black frying pan.
**Boing!!**
Man: "What was that for?!"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit
sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan
swatting. **Boing!! Bang!**
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called!!!"
navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the extreme haze that day, the pilot now had no way of determining the course to the
airport. All he could make out was a tall building nearby, so he moved closer to it, quickly wrote
out a large sign reading "Where am I?" and held it to the chopper's window.
Responding quickly, the people in the building penned a large sign of their own. It read: "You are
in a helicopter."
The pilot smiled, and within minutes he landed safely at the airport. After they were on the
ground, the co-pilot asked how the sign helped him determine their position. "I knew it had to be
the Microsoft building," the pilot replied, "because they gave me a technically correct, but
completely useless answer."
"Make me one with everything."The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen
Master, who pays with a $20 bill.The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's
my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
Then the woman starts to feel a bit guilty, and says “Honey, I have a confession to make. I’m
actually totally flat chested. I’ve been stuffing my bra to try and fool you, but if we’re to be
married, you should know. If you don’t want to marry me, I’ll understand.” The man thinks it over
for a bit, and says “Ah, sex isn’t everything, honey. I love you no matter what!” And they keep
on driving. About an hour later, the man starts to feel guilty, and says “Honey, I too have a
confession to make. Below the waist, I’m just like a baby. If you don’t want to marry me, I’ll
understand.” She thinks about it, and says “Well, you were so forgiving with me, and sex isn’t
everything. I still love you.” So they get married, and on their wedding night, she takes off her
shirt. Surely enough, she’s completely flat, no breasts at all. The new husband takes off his
pants and underwear, and his wife faints!! When she wakes up, she says to him “You said you
were just like a baby below the waist!” He said ‘Yeah, 8 pounds, 22 inches!”
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
**************************************************************
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
*************************************************************
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while she just sits there!
the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round,and
the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to
pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it
over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass.
After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his
putt.
One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever
seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your
concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well, he said,... We were married for 25 years.
sign, "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?" snapped the motorist.
"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me," countered the driver.
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed
with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!" barked the offender.
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded
with caution," argued the driver.
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now
if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL!" interrupted the belligerent motorist. "What's the
matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."
The police officer had enough, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged
the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his
nightstick. Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the
way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's
getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin
and wants to stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle
and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head
flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his
ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"
schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He
watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar and sure enough she shows up again, only this time
alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!?! For a hand job? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a
shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with money I made on hand jobs.
Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while and decides what the hell. He leaves with her and gets the most
unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual
experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to
show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story
apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me,
it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her and once again is not
disappointed. He nearly faints- twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself 'til she
shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost to go all the way?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the
buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I were really a woman, I'd own that island!"
crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed
and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has
him go down to the principal's office to phone his mom and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general
commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes,only to find him sitting at his desk with
his penis hanging out. I thought I told you to call your mom, she says. I did, he says, and she
told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown.
on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped
to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use
profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn
good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!"
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
IN VICTORIA'S SECRET
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me??
3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2. Forty-Five bucks? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!
And the number 1 thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
1. Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your ass into that!
A: When you take it off you wonder where her boobs went.
Q: What's a lesbian?
A: Just another woman trying to do a man's job.
Priests should really be allowed to marry... until then, they'll never know
what hell is really like.
Remember, no matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
I don't know why women have to get so upset about things. They have half
the money and all of the pussy!
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: If their not on your dick their in your wallet.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to
throw your bone in.
Q: How do most men discover that their wives have died?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q: What's the best thing about a blow job ?
A: Ten minutes of silence.
let in first?
A: The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to
shoot it.
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.
Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.
- Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly, looking incredibly forlorn. The bartender asked, "What's the
matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man replied, "We had a fight, and she told
me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
"That should make you happy, shouldn't it?" remarked the bartender. Gulping his last gulp, the
man replied, "Sure, but the month is up today!"
client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the
connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what
grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone
grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a
reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this
divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an
intelligent conversation."
someone's face.
done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU
can't have sex right now.
go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
you.
immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.
Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
biggest store in the area-you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever
been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked
the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss
arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the
sale worth?" "Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium
hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a
huge big one. "I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he
foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to
pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came
in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I
said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."