Back Fat - A History

Written By: Andrew Vaia


To Jeffrey R.
Without whom life would be so dark and truth so distant.

Contents:

Introduction
The Early History of Back Fat
Coming Soon! Back Fat in the Middle Ages


Introduction

                 As we stand at the doorstep of a new millenium, one must look at the events of the past thousand years and "take stock." Where have we come from; and more importantly, where are we going. We can paruse the great works of art, the great civilizations that have risen and fallen, the advancement of technology. We can also sit back and examine man kinds failures; pollution, disease, pestilance, famine, still just as relevant in 1999 as they where in 999, well with the exception of pollution of course, that is strictly a child of the 19th and 20th centuries. But I digress, "What does all this have to do with back fat?" you ask. Well, if you care to read the following pages I'll tell you.

                 Ever since man decided to stand up and walk on two legs instead of all fours back fat has played a significant role. But again you say, "How significant could back fat's role have been if I've heard nothing about it, and I've never read anything about it in the history books?" Back Fat takes pride in being nearly invisible, I mean most of the time it's hidden under peoples shirts. However, since earliest times it has influenced and directed the course of man in everything from politics to leisure. It has influenced artists and writers, everyone from presidents to garbage men. For much too long back fat has hidden in the shadows, away from the prying eyes of man. Well enough I say! From now on I shall name names and tell all the stories behind this cancer on mankind. Read on if you will, but realize that life will never be the same.
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The Early History of Back Fat

                 The earliest history of back fat has been lost forever, probably destroyed to protect the guilty, but however what little is known I shall impart to you. In ancient Egypt there was a most fantastic library in the city of Alexandria, it is now known that the ancient Egyptians knew the earth rotated around the sun, this as well as many other startling facts where lost forever when the library was burned. This has always been credited to foreign invaders, but do not be fooled. The library in Alexandria was ordered to be burned by AJDKFOEJ FJDOSJE, loosely translated from Sumarian it means King of the Back Fat. It is rumored that the library contained information that could damge the back fat state. Even in ancient Egypt back fat was not only prevelant it was powerful.

                 Back fat then dissapears of the face of the earth for quite a time, the next real historical reference to back fat occurs in ancient Greece. The Greek city state of Sparta was founded by Backfatacles, a violent and cruel ruler who even had his own children killed for not having enough back fat; "such a lack of back fat can not be the product of my loins", he was rumored to have said. Backfatacles next had his wife executed for infidelity. He was next wed to a rather rotund woman. Her name has been lost, but he was quoted by his servants as saying, "For her back bulge I would do all." With these exceptions Backfatacles was a wholly unremarkable ruler, with little to credit him in these pages.

                 A little known fact has Fatacles, a descendant of Backfatacles, at the trial of Socrates casting the final and deciding vote for his suicide. In Athens, the great city of knowledge, back fat again played a significant role. The Senate was stocked with people afraid, sympathetic to, or owning back fat. This "Back Fat Senate" nearly kept the Parthenon from being built, thank God it was knocked down by the non-back fat ridden senators. Again little is known of back fat from this point until ancient Rome.

                 When the Romans occupied ancient Greece they conquered them, but also assimilated many parts of their culture, unfortunately including back fat. Back Fat makes a resurgance again at the time of Julius Caesar, his famous quote "Veni, Vidi, Vici" (I came, I saw, I conquered), uttered when he returned to Rome in triumph after his campaign in Gaul (modern day France) was answered in the crowd by a dejected senator, Backfatiusmaximus, with "Futue te et ipsum caballas" (Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.) Many also know of Caesar's other famous quote "Et tu Brute?" (And you Brutus?) Upon being stabbed before a Senate meeting. While this may be shocking I must tell you that this is a misquote, he actually said, "Et tu Backfatiusmaximus?" Backfatiusmaximus killed Julius Caesar and pinned the blame on Brutus. And so things went for years, I have not named all the players as there simply isn't time, provided the good Lord allows me to live long enough I will name all the players and all the events. But for now I must say Goodbye, stay tuned for the next installment, BACK FAT IN THE MIDDLE AGES.
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