If you think you're fat you probably are, don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat -- if it's up put it down.
Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Saturday = get drunk. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel fluff, the sweeper system and carburettors.
Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You do have to many shoes.
Ask for what you want--subtle hints don't work.
No, we don't know what day it is. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most men own two or three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of fifty, would look good with your dress.
'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
And finally whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Thank you for your attention.