The following advisory for Americans going to the World Cup was compiled by the US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the FDA, the Centers for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
France is a medium risk foreign country situated in the continent of Europe.
It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and without very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Euro-Disney. Amongst its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the pissoir and the guillotine. Although France likes to think itself as a modern country, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that people will fully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at.
The People
France has a population of 54 million, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have
no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and
undisciplined. And these are some of their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholics, but you would hardly guess it from
their behavior. Many people are communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girly names like Jean and Marie, and they
kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By
tradition the French surrender more or less at once and apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whiskey and increased difficulty getting
the baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Great
Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the government to flee to England.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures include Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan
of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was president for many years and is now an airport (often closed).
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though both are on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullist or communist, neither of whom is to be trusted. Parliament's principle preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and then acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence (sic), the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you would want to watch, except for the nude scenes. And nothing is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a
French family).
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic and parsley you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on
its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word. In general travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inns.
The Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany in Europe, which is surprising because the people hardly work at all. If
they are not spending four hours over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with lorries and tractors. France's main exports
are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack
aircraft, miscellaneous armaments, cheese and clothes you can't wear.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than days in the year. Among its 361 national holidays are:
197 Saints days,
37 National Liberation days,
16 Declaration of Republic days,
54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he won the war single-handeddays,
18 Napoleon Sent into Exile days,
17 Napoleon Called back from Exile days, and
112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish days.
Other important holidays are:
Nuclear Bomb Day (Jan 12),
The Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot day (Mar 1),
The National Guillotine day (Nov 12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't inhabited by French people. The best that can be said of it is that it is
not Germany.
A Word of Warning
The Consular services of the US government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
McDonalds, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are seriously injured (at least the loss of a limb) or are the
victim of a crime, then report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5:15 and 5:20 am on a Tuesday or
Wednesday, where a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a
list of qualified dentists or veterinarians or butchers.