Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking,
"I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want
someone like you?"
-Larry Miller
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says:
"I'm cheap!"
-Delta Burke
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in
front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental,
where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder
Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying
enough attention to women's breasts?
-Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the
front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can
kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to
the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They
say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many
men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they
cause severe, swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by
one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment.
Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.
-Conan O'Brien
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at
Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy
station wagons.
-Tim Allen
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My
husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police
came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code ... he turned
himself in.
-Rita Rudner
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get stuck doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house.
-Jeff Foxworthy