"I need an idea," I thought to myself one lonely afternoon. "I've been sitting here for hours and I don't even have a clue what I'm going to write about." "John Paul Jones, famous sailor guy or just the bassist for Led Zepplin?" No, no, no, that doesn't work. Maybe "A Tale of Two Cities." No, I think that one's been done already. "The Life and Times of a Guy Named Joe," Too many people named Joe. "The Mask of Kilocudisitiatibasezicali." Definitely not! "Joe Bob Brentwood Meets the Chair People of Rodan 5." I like! Joe Bob Brentwood Meets the Chair People of Rodan 5 One day Joe Bob was walking down the street and he fell in a hole. When he work up he was surrounded by chair with little reptilian eyes. He asked them what they wanted and they just said "Information." So Joe Bob told them everything he knew about anything. It took about 15 minutes. Then the chair people went back to Rodan 5 and told their leader than Earth was a waste of time; people that stupid couldn't possibly be any help. Imagine, millions of light years through the universe, looking for intelligent life, and they missed it by 20 feet. Them Them. They follow us around. They go everywhere we go and know what we do at all times. They know who you are and what you are. They even know what you're thinking. They know where you are and what you're doing. Every once in a while They arrange for a disappearance. They take you. And you have to tell Them everything you know. They are on an endless quest for information. They want to know everything and will stop at nothing to get what they want. The only way you're safe is to look for Them. Learn all you can about who They are. Only then are you safe from Them. "The Hole" (prelude to "Joe Bob Brentwood meets the chair people of Rodan 5") A hole. A simple, ordinary hole. The kind left over after digging out a stump. This hole was once in the back left corner of the lawn, but last night the hole disappeared. We searched the town. We could not find the hole anywhere. What we didn't know was that the hole had been taken over by the chair people of Rodan 5. The hole was being used to seek out intelligent life on Earth. The hole searched all over. It found Joe Bob Brentwood. One day I was thinking to myself that the world would be better if some people just fell in a hole. Then I remembered the story "Joe Bob Brentwood meets the chair people of Rodan 5." I took the fact that Joe Bob fell in a hole at the beginning of that story and incorporated it into a prelude to give some background on "Joe Bob Brentwood meets the chair people of Rodan 5." The chair people are my favorite alien race because of their constant search for people who are smart enough to create a table to rule them. The need for a government is something we all have. Sheire Crusader As I run through the woods my light sword in hand I seek to purge violence and evil from my land Arboria will remain good to the last you come in here Evil you leave in a cast After I find you you had better move cuz with all your bleedin' you'll soil my shoes Enter Sylvania with evil in heart I will be there to rip you apart "Evil will perish" the prophets had said and with help from me 'twill surely be dead Pazrael's Onslaught I have complete control Me and my Tanari Patrol are devoted to the death of law The great wheel trembles under claw Tannarrus is my right hand man Together we will rule the land Mechanus will be the first to go Ruling the Planes, Pazrael & Co. The dirty Baatzu will then be smashed The abyssal ship will not be crashed My onslaught will continue on across the planes to Acheron Dorktome the Pansyloth will be dead I'll rip the beard right of his head Tannarrus will then burn his scrolls we'll grind his friends and make eggrolls I'll leave the Eldurin alone The Tulani can sit on their throne So long as they don't go to law We won't crush Arboria We won't even get near Limbo We'll just let the slaadi go Pandimonium we will not cleave But Celestia will have to leave Uriel, he's pretty cool Too bad he's just a lawful fool Dispater, he's a baatzu stud But lawfulness makes him a pud Tiamat, she kicks everyone's butt But she's stuck in a neutral rut Dugmaren Brightmantle will rule all the lands He could wup me without any hands Me and chaotic symbol true We'll go to the prime and then to you After we kill every clueless prime The poem will end cuz Paz can't rhyme Got it addlecove? All a cutter's gotta do is join in on the fun! JRRT "What da 'ell's a burrahobbit?" Always allow old men to take care of pressing matters in the south No matter who you are or where you live, be prepared to be luck #14 in a party of adventuring dwarves. If you're a burglar, you'd better go burgle something Beorn is an Army Bard of Dale is awful hand to have around. Dwarves don't do barrel riding. Most all powerful dragons have a back door in their mountain. This is a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. Wood elves don't like strangers. If at first you don't succeed, look for Gandalf. It's always safer to knock yourself out than to fight in a battle. Dragons are kind of messy, but they're fun at parties. Seven meals a day will give you hair on your toes. If you're gonna disappear, do it on your eleventy-first birthday. Never call 144 hobbits a gross. Sometimes you shouldn't accept gifts from crazy uncles. When attempting to save the world, be sure you bring your gardener. It's not Proudfoots, it's Proudfeet. "Make haste, make haste, the Nine are abroad." Listen to Strider! If you're tall, skinny, and like to prance, you're probably an Elf. "Isulder's Bane!" If you have a group to save the world, make sure 40% of them are under four feet tall. When attempting to crawl into the heart of evil, ditch the warriors and take your gardener. Don't call a hobbit a fool; call him Pippen Don't look into the Palantir you idiot! If you don't have a last name, call yourself the son of your father (Gimli, son of Gloin) Drink the ent draught! Never take a Frodo Baggins short cut. If lost in a forest, make friends with the trees. Hang out with the trees until you find someplace to meet your friends (and look into the Palantir you idiot!) Radagast, you moron! If you die in a battle, don't gibe up! Aragorn will save you! When confronted by a being of pure evil (Balrog), scream like a girl (Aieee!) Change your clothes and you become more powerful Trust the Pukel man. Never trust someone with a forked tongue. When confronted by a Nazgul, stab him in the knee! (then let the girl finish him off) If you're fighting with someone, and you're invisible, but he can still see you, pawn the ring! After you and your gardener save the world; and they write songs about you, that doesn't mean you shouldn't go on vacation with your uncle Bilbo. Cowardice The man in gray was afraid. It was the paralyzing, nasty, fear sometimes encountered in childhood nightmares. The man in gray was afraid a lot, but not like this. The fear in itself seemed to take shape and chase him. He ran and ran, but the fear was swifter than he. He looked back. A man in black was chasing him. The man in gray tried desperately to lose the man in black, but it was no use. In a moment, the man in black was upon him. Insanity The man in yellow was afraid. The man in black was coming for him, he had forseen it. The fear was unlike any fear he had ever experienced. It seemed to congeal all around him. The man in yellow was gripped in utter terror. His horror was magnified tenfold as the man in black rounded the corner. The man in yellow was pushed to the brink of insanity, and beyond. He ran faster than any normal man could. As he sped through the city, a desperate plan began to unfold in his mind. In his madness he thought he could overcome the man in black. He turned and started running toward the man in black. As he jumped to tackle the man in black he heard a low, sinister laugh, and he was enveloped in darkness. Honor The man in black was afraid. The man in blue had located him again. He knew that the man in blue had the power to overcome him. The man in black s fear was generated by experience. Last time the man in blue discovered him he had been defeated and he knew that it would be the same this time. The man in blue drew nearer. The man in black knelt, not wishing to deny the inevitable. The man in blue drew his great sword. As the sword came down the man in black vowed to return. Joe Bob Brentwood and the Meaning of Life On one particular evening, as Joe Bob Brentwood stepped out of his brown Cadillac Deville, he wondered about the meaning of life. He thought as hard as he could while he carried the groceries into his house. As he put away his groceries he still pondered. For a few weeks this went on. He did nothing but wonder about the meaning of life. He was lost in deep concentration for many days. Spring changed to summer and still he thought. After giving up on the subject he went down to fix himself something to eat. he opened the can of beans with bacon, looked inside, and found it. As though his entire consciousness was kept inside that can, memories poured onto him. His high school years, his marriage, his son's high school years. Then he realized the true meaning of life................Death. One day, not unlike the one Joe Bob experienced, I wondered as to the meaning of life. And as I thought, the revelation hit me. We all are born. We all grow. We all die. Everywhere there is life, and yet, surrounding that life is the ever-present notion of death. To all things there are an end. Perhaps someday I'll stop writing about Joe Bob. I doubt it though. I think that only Joe Bob could find the meaning of life in a can of beans with bacon. Perhaps it was that single piece of pork fat (life) among all those beans (death). Though we all wonder about the certain things, some of us can find comfort in beans. Revenge As the man knelt down, he recalled his past experiences. He had been a knight, one of the best. He was proud and noble and was body guard to the king himself. That was all in the past. The changing point in his life was merely a fortnight ago. He had acted on emotion, something a well disciplined knight would never have done. But that was in the past. He had seen what no one was supposed to see. He had walked in on the king and his advisors. That too was in the past. He had seen the king torturing a 12-year- old boy. The boy knew nothing and therefore, said nothing. The king had cut off all the boy's fingers and toes and was starting at the elbow. With a wicked grin on his face, he cut the boy's arm off at the elbow. The boy screeched in pain. The knight howled in hate. He rushed into the small secret room and killed the king and two of his advisors before he came to his senses and realized what he had done That was in the past. In the present, as he leaned over the headsman's block, he decided that it was all worthwhile. The king had been an evil man. But that was in the past. The Tree There once was a great battle in the land of Noxas. The battle lasted almost two years. One man, a general that participate in the battle, was very swift. His was the fastest word and he was often used as a messenger. He liked being a messenger and enjoyed even working for his underlings. One December, his battalion was camped out two miles from the enemy front. They were to be an advanced warning system in case of invasion. It was nearing Christmas and some lower level knights had set up a Christmas tree, ornately decorated with candles and glass. It was a sight to see. this huge, beautiful tree, surrounded by tents and horses and swords. Christmas day came, and so did the invasion. The man on the front sent the swiftest general to bring news of the attack to the main camp. The general ran as fast as he could to the camp with enemies trailing him like bloodhounds. He passed the tree and was transfixed by its beauty. For a moment, he forgot about the invasion. He forgot the war, the enemy. He stood rooted to that spot, his mind in another time. He was four years old. His father had just chopped down that year's tree. They decorated it and said it was the best they'd ever had. Then they started opening presents and he was brought back to the present just before he got his first play sword. He was brought back into reality by the sword buried in his chest. As he lay there, bleeding to death by the light of the tree, he smiled.