I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in
"Computing Operations Fundamentals", so I leave the control room in
the capable hands of Sam, the janitor and cruise on down.
The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute
period where students get to ask a "real operator" questions that
they have about operations.
I get out my pad and pen.
"Before we get started" I say, "could you just
call out your username before you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply
your problem to terms you would understand better" The lecturer eats all
this up - the personal touch really gets to them. "First Question, You
over there.."
"What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a
shared system?"
"What was your username please?"
"CMS1103"
>Scratchy scritch<
"Computer Privacy... Hmmm. This is a toughy really. You
mean stuff like reading the email between you and your counsellor about you
not wanting to come out of the closet?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!"
"AH. Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad
COMPLETELY RANDOM example. Next question. You, over there..."
"CMS1136. I was.."
"Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to
alt.sex.buggery.by.sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing"
"It's purely for research purposes!"
"I'm sure it is. You do a lot of story posting for a
researcher don't you?"
"NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!"
"Next please..."
...
..
Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty. That's the
problem with students today, they just don't want to learn.
I go back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again. I
think he's after my job. I make a mental note to tap into the salary database
and cancel his health and accident insurance payments. You can't be too
careful..
I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon
and it starts ringing almost immediately. THAT'S IT! I redirect it to 911
catch a bit of shuteye. That'll teach them. OOPS! Almost forgot to turn over
the excuse calendar. "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR" Nope, too
plausable - although in some cases I could do an on-site check. Nah, can't be
stuffed. I'll pick another one. "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES"
Now THAT'S one with a challenge!
I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests
on the printer's stacker - another job well done. The phone rings - this could
be the big one!
"Hello?"
"Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?"
"Simple, just type `spell' and the filename"
"Thanks"
I'm so bloody nice this morning. Especially as I know that my
version of spell introduces errors instead of detecting them. Things like
changing friend to freind and vice-versa. What the hell.
The phone rings - it's them again.
"There's something wrong with spell"
"What makes you think that?"
"Because my file is all corrupt now!"
"That doesn't sound like spell to me. Are you logged into
thru PC?"
"Yes, but I can.."
"Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me... Now, is
there a plastic ruler somewhere on or in the desk?"
"Um >clunka<, yes..."
"Right. You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive
caused by the changing electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same
one that makes bits of paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your
arm..."
DUMMY MODE ON
"Oh. What do I do?"
"You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on
a table lots of times? Well do that with your PC. Say 20 times - lift it about
a foot off the desk & drop it."
"Oh. OK"
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<
"Um, the screen went dark"
"That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going. And
when you're finished, do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the
wires to it."
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<...
I hang up. I get up and go out to the public area to put honey
in the floppy drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to
me and shoots me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear
the ex System-Managers chuckle....
Later, in the ambulance, I realise. I forgot to get the guys
username...
Then everything goes dark
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