Apr. 2, 2002
Meeting people online is always interesting. But meeting someone with whom you instantly bond with is another story. Tonight I got to hear his voice, and oh it sounded so good. We hadn't really "talked" before, we'd just typed to each other. So hearing his voice for the first time was something I don't think I'll ever forget. Everything about it sounded good, right down to his cute accent. (lol) I'm sure when my cell phone bill comes in I might feel differently about calling Newfoundland Canada, but then I probably won't. To me, hearing his voice for the first time is worth any cost.
Apr. 8, 2002
Why is it I never seem to be happy unless I think someone loves me? What is it about love that makes sane people act so stupidly? When will I understand there is no one, and probably never will be. The sooner I give up, the sooner I can get on with my boring little life. Waiting to see if I lose my disability, waiting to see if I can walk today, waiting to see if my pain will subside...just for an hour or so. Waiting...
Apr. 16, 2002
I've always believed we as people, had a purpose in life. Some were meant to be teachers, others were meant to be healers, and still others fighters of the oppressed. I've never known what my roll was supposed to be. When I was able to work, at least I had the slim hope that what I did had a purpose, however simple. But it's been 12 years since I've worked, and I no longer feel my life means much.
Everyday seems like the one before. Struggling to make sense of the whys, trying to live with the pain, and coping with the loneliness and solitude. A friend of mine recently said, she had no idea I was the type of person who thought they needed to be needed by a man to be happy. I guess that goes to show we really don't know what makes other people tick. Sometimes, we don't even know what makes ourselves tick, do we?
I keep thinking eventually this will all sink into my head. This is the way my life is meant to be. The sooner I realize this, maybe the sooner I'll eventually be happy...at some level. I know that waiting for love to happen isn't going to work. I also know that the people I do love will never work either. I just have to say to myself, this is the way it is, and deal with it.
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