As Misty's World Turns - February 2002


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Feb. 19, 2002

The day I have dreaded for the last 2 years has come. I recieved a letter from the Social Security Administration today....time for my medial review. It's not bad enough to be put through hell to recieve disability, now they put you through more hell every 2 years to keep it. I'm scared to death of losing my medical benefits. The money is a joke, who can live on $500 a month?? What I rely on though is the medicare. My supplimental health insurance is $250 a month, I can't imagine what it would cost me if I didn't have medicare.

The letter I recieved from the S.S.A. said they would review the information I send back...medical statement from myself and my doctor...and then decide if I was still considered "disabled" by their terms. If my disabled status changes, in their eyes, I lose everything! I barely limp along on my disability and alimony now, I can't imagine what I'll do if I lose my disability. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Feb. 21, 2002

Lately I've been reading the book "Conversations With Tom", the author is Walda Woods. For anyone who is interested in life after death, or near death experiences, this is the book for you!! It's also something everyone should read if they believe in God, and the afterlife. I had read another book, "What Dreams May Come", that dealt with the same topic. I was curious when I saw this book listed. I wondered if it too said the same things about the afterlife. "What Dreams May Come" was also written by someone who had died.

I'm glad to see that both books say the same thing about the afterlife. (the more simularities, the more chances it could be real) Both books claim there are various levels of heaven and hell. They also say when you die you view your "book of life". How you have lived your life, how you've treated others, how that treatment has effected other people, etc. How your book of life is viewed will determine where you go...heaven or hell...and what level you will achieve there.

One thing I found both interesting, and good to know, is that once our loved ones die, they are met with incredible love and warmth. Those who were sick are well again, those who lost limbs have them again. Even pets that have predeceased us are there to welcome us "home". In the book "Conversations with Tom", Tom tells the reader that death shouldn't be regarded as a horrible thing, but as a continuation of our soul's journey. We should view death as something positive, and not be viewed as something morbid and horrible, as it is in most countries.

To me, this book gives me a sense of peace, but also a feeling of nervousness. Peace, knowing that death isn't something to be feared, rather something to look forward to. Nervousness, because I wonder where I will land once my book of life is read. I'd like to think, (and I hope and pray), that I will land in heaven. I think it takes alot of nerve to just assume you'll end up in heaven, but then maybe I'm wrong, who's to say for sure.

Feb. 22, 2002

There is a fine line between helping those in need, and being dragged down the hole with them. How do you know when to let go, and how is this done? I hate to come across as cold and insensitive, yet I can't help people who don't want to help themselves. My Dad used to say that, "nothing worth while in life is easily gotten". Everything comes with a price. Either a monetary price, or a price as a human being.

I know no one in this life is perfect. I also know we all carry our own burdens. I try to help my friends whenever it's humanly possible. However, I can't help a friend who refuses to help themself. I know from experience that it's alot easier to sit back and let someone else, or something else, take over your life. Fighting for what makes you happy, fighting for your self esteem, and fighting for your happiness is very difficult. Sometimes just looking at all the hard work ahead of us, is enough to make us want to crawl back into our safe, protected hole. However unhappy that hole seems to us, it still seems easier than trying to change our lives for the better.

But our happiness, our self esteem as a person, and our mental health has to be worth something. I used to believe that suicide was the answer to so many of my problems. I'm so glad it never came to that. Looking back now, I see that suicide is the supreme act of selfishness, and the total disregard for the love, and lives of others. I wish I had all the answers, I wish there was something more I could do to motivate someone to fight for themselves, but I am only one person, and in the end, it is that person who has to fight for a positive change in their life.

Feb. 23, 2002

My financial crunch continues to smother me. I've never been a big spender, in fact I've always been able to save money no matter what. With the cost of medicine rising, and my income not increasing with the cost of living, each month I seem to get farther behind. I've had to quit my most expencive medication, I've had to discontinue life insurance I can no longer afford, and now I'm in danger of losing my disability income and medicare.

I hope and pray the Social Security Administration continues my disability. But I guess I should start making alternate plans in the event I'm left high and dry. Although I'm not really sure what other plans I could make. Let's see, what are my choices....marrying for money?....a life of prostitution? Neither option does much for me. I guess I'll just keep on hoping and praying there is a sliver of justice still left in this life.

Feb. 26, 2002

I had a hell of a day today. I experienced my first full blown panic attack in almost a year. We'd driven up to Vero Beach. They have outlets there, and my Mom wanted to hit Mikasa. All the way up I could tell an attack was inevitable. While she was in a store shopping, I sat in one of the chairs provided for hubbys. While I sat there I could feel it hit me. I wasn't sure at first if it was my sugar levels dropping, I've been having trouble with that this week, or a panic attack. I think it was probably my sugar level to start with, but since I was nowhere near the car (and my stash of emergency candy) I started to panic. The sweat was literally pouring down my face, and I thought I was going to pass out. I kept telling myself to get a grip, and eventually it went away. God I don't miss those damn things. I thought I'd gotten over them. But then I HAVE been cutting back on those meds.....costs me $250 a month....so instead of the 3 a day, I'm on 1 a day. If I can just get thru the next few days I should be fine....I hope.

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