As Misty's World Turns - January 2000


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Jan. 1, 2000

Here we are embarking on a new year and a new millennium. It's remarkable to look back and see the changes in our lives. For some people these changes are greeted warmly and with a sence of security. For other people these changes are viewed as major disappointments, or great losses of judgement. For me, looking back on the last year has been a study of self improvement, self reliance lost and gained, and change. I remember my father once telling me that "nothing worth having is ever easily gotten". How right he was. I guess it's not until we get older that we realize just how wise our parents are/were.

As I spent the evening greeting the New Year with my mother I kept thinking about how much my life has changed in just the last year. Gone is the person who thinks she has nothing to offer. Gone is the woman that is scared of everything. Gone is the woman that feels she "needs" a man to make her happy. Gone is the insecurity and the panic attacks. I'm the person I always wanted to be, strong mentally, secure about myself, independant, and HAPPY!

As I was sitting on the back porch (having a cigarette) tonight I could hear the partying going on all around me. Up and down the block I could hear fireworks going off. Across the canal the same sounds of fireworks as well as a party going on. Once midnight had come I went outside again for a smoke. I sat there listening to the roar of the people. The cow bells ringing, the car horns blowing, the shouts and cheers and more fireworks. As I walked into the house I noticed a huge grin on my face. This happens alot anymore. All of a sudden I find myself smiling, grinning and laughing for no real reason. To me, that is the true measure of happiness.

Jan. 8, 2000

Just a quick entry to let you know that contrary to how I feel, I am alive. For the last week I have been stuck laying flat on my back in bed, or doing the same on the couch. My FMS has hit me very hard and movement of any kind is now impossible. Slowly I am making a little progress each day. Today is the first time in over a week that I've been able to sit long enough to attempt to get online.

Strangely enough I haven't been all that depressed. Normally when I get hit this hard by my FMS I'm almost suicidal. All I can think about is doom and gloom. But for some reason, (although I'm not ready to party), I don't feel that depressed. Maybe it's living here in south Florida or something. I have felt like I was still on "vacation" for the two months I've lived here. I can't think of a place I've ever lived where I was happier.

Now, if I could just get past this last set back with FMS I could resume my life again. I'd finally bitten the bullet and bought myself a brand new computer. Since moving here to Florida my computer now groans. At first it started off as a "groooan"....."groooan"....but now it's groaning faster. (lol) So last weekend I bought myself an "NEC Ready GT300". The features include:

AMD K7 Athlon 500MHz processor
64 MB of Ram
13 GB hard drive
CD-ReWritable drive
56K modem
3D graphics/Video Accelerator
Advanced 3D PCI sound system
Quite a bit of software

Now all I have to get is a new photo quality printer and I'm all set for the new millennium! (lol)

Jan. 30, 2000

So much has happened in the last few weeks it's hard for me to know where to start. At the beginning I guess huh? First of all, I am NOT using my NEC computer anymore. After using it for all of 2 hours it died on me. So, I went out to the local Best Buy store and bought myself a Compaq computer. I brought the Compaq home, hooked it up, and it too was garbage! Glutton for punishment that I am, I returned my Compaq and bought yet another one....yes I know I'm not too bright. Needless to say Compaq computer #2 was CRAP too. So here I am, I've gone through 3 computers in a 2 week period. I've dealt with more sales people that I EVER want to, and I've waited in more lines that anyone should have to. What did I do next? Why I went out and bought a Hewlett Packard computer. I'm on day 2 of this purchase (crossing fingers and knocking on wood), and so far it's WORKING! (lol)

In the meantime my FMS has taken quite a toll on me. I've gone from bad to worse, to horrible. I'm not sure if it's the sudden cold spell we've had here, or what, but I wasn't even able to attend my divorce proceedings in South Carolina last week. On the good side, I missed all the snow and ice and I'm now a FREE woman (cheers and high fives here). From the moment I asked for my divorce (18 months ago) I've felt like a free woman, but this feeling is so different for me. It's like nothing I've ever felt before, and I love it.

What amazes me the most is how happy, secure, serene, calm, and self confident I am now. I don't ever remember feeling anything close to this. I was the type of person who never left the house unless I had on make-up, my hair done to perfection, and I was dressed well. These days I throw on a t-shirt & cut offs, put on my Phillies cap, and head out for the store without make-up, (not even lipstick.) Another new thing for me has been my hair. I've been gray since I was 18 years old. I've been coloring it all these years. When I moved here to south Florida I decided no more coloring. Right now the only "color" on my hair is on the tips. I surprise myself, but I love my gray....and for the first time in many years I can honestly say I love me. Overweight, gray, and loving every minute!

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