July 7, 2005
This has been a bad month for me physically. My "normal" with FMS has taken a large step backwards. It's amazing how your view on life can change when you're not able to walk, or sit, or even stand. Your whole existance is spent in a horizontal position. And I suppose that wouldn't be too terribly bad if you were lying beside someone who loved you. It's harder when you're lying beside a stuffed dalmation...like I do.
Once I left my ex-husband, (7 yrs ago) my faithful and loving dog "Jack" became my bedmate. When Jack died of kidney and liver failure 5 years ago this next Christmas, I tried to sleep alone. But I found I couldn't sleep unless I had something laying beside me, like Jack used to do. So I went to FAO Schwartz and bought myself a life sized, stuffed Dalmatian. My "new Jack" as the kids call him has slept with me ever since.
Once I thought I had found what I'd been looking for my whole life. Someone to love, who loved me back in the same way. And I had found him, for a brief and fleeting moment. But like alot of things in my life, love wasn't meant to be for me I guess. Many times I've tried to put into words what Bill meant to me. How much joy he'd given me in the short period of time we were together. Or how my life seemed so much brighter and better with him a part of it. I guess you'd call it fate. How we met, and how we lost each other. Fate that I'd be in the same place he was, and that we'd fall in love. Fate that he'd be bitten by a mosquito infected with West Nile Virus and die. It's hard to believe it's been almost 3 years now since Bill died. Oh but I miss him, and miss having him to love me.
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