As Misty's World Turns


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June 1, 2002

Last night was a milestone for our family. My "great niece" Megan graduated from pre-school. Back in my day there wasn't such a thing, but then I date myself with that statement. As with all the events her pre-school has put on in the past, graduation night was not to be outdone. The children, all of them cute as can be, sang about 10 patriotic songs, since the love of America was the theme this year. Each song came complete with patriotic props of every size, color, and shape. Each child sang their little hearts out, although Megan did tend to drown out the others. (lol)

Once the singing part of the program was over, the kids were hustled out to the anteroom to change into their caps & gowns. Then as the music teacher played Pomp & Circumstance each child walked proudly down the isle, as parents and Aunts (like myself) snapped pictures. The kids lined up on the stage, all grinning like little cheshire cats. The owner of the pre-school called out the name of the child. When the child's name was called he or she was given their diploma, a handshake from the teacher, and then went to the podium.

"When I grow up I want to be..." It ranged from a doctor, policeman, fireman, race car driver, football player, and on and on. Amazingly enough each child wanted to be some completely different from the others. As for Megan, she shocked us all when she announced..."When I grow up I want to be a movie star." How appropriate since we all think of her as our little movie star/ham. (lol) I asked my niece later if she had any idea Megan was going to say that and she said, "I had no idea what was going to come out of her mouth." (lol) It was definitely a memorable night, and one I thoroughly enjoyed.

June 16, 2002

I haven't been able to come in here to do my journal in some time. Lately I've been in horrible pain, and concentrating is not possible. Tonight however the pain has subsided a little, at least enough for me to jot down a few things. I think of all the areas of the body to be in pain, the face is the worst. I know this because I have pain everywhere, and lately it's been in my face as well. This is a new place for me, and my doc hasn't got a clue as to what it is....or for that matter...what to do about it. I chew pain pills like they're candy, but it doesn't seem to ease the pain any.

Between the never ending pain, the fact that it's rained for almost a week here, and not having enough money to pay my bills, depression has reared its ugly head again. I've needed new tires on my car for months. I even wore down the wear bars. But I haven't been able to afford tires....or much else. Today my oldest brother loaned me the money to buy some decent tires on my car. I'm hoping I can pay him back when I get my disability check, but I'm not sure it will be enough. I am firmly between a rock and a hard place. Not enough money to pay my bills, and no way to make any money. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I haven't lived too long.

June 22, 2002

Tonight my facial pain has subsided some, at least enough to come in here and jot down a few ideas. This pain has been incredible, and never ending. Sometimes I think I'm going to lose my mind it's so intense. Living day to day with incredible pain is very tiring. Of course, not sleeping through the night doesn't help. Last night was a rare night for me, I wasn't up once. To have 6 straight hours of sleep is almost like a dream come true anymore. I normally can only get 2 to 3 hours of sleep at a time.

For a brief moment today I actually saw the sun. We've had nonstop rain here for over 2 weeks. On Thursday we broke the record for rainfall in June with 20 inches of rain. Since Thursday we've had an additional 3 more inches. Last year at this time we were in severe drought status. No washing of cars was allowed, and you were only allowed to water your yard 2 times a week, and then only from the hours of 2-4am. This year we have lakes everywhere. Any low lying area is now a "lake". Everything is growing so fast the yard people can't keep up with it all, and green is the predominant color.

This afternoon I was visiting iVillage. A very interesting site to surf, they have info on everything and anything. While I was there I took a few of their quizzes. (I love quizzes!) I've been thinking about my quiz results ever since. One of the quizzes I took was a compatibility quiz that I took with a friend of mine. I knew we got along really well, but I wasn't aware just HOW much we had in common until we got the results. It was amazing, we scored 100 on every topic. Of all the people I've had take this test with me, he is only 1 out of 2 who have matched me perfectly. It was a nice pick me up for the afternoon. The next quiz I took was "Do you spoil your man" quiz. One of the questions was....you've planned a night out with the girls when your man asks you to stay home and help him prepare for a big meeting the next day. Do you A-tell him good luck and still go out. B-tell him you're too busy and still go out, or C-tell your friends you can't make it and stay home to help him.

Well naturally I chose C...stay home to help your husband. When the final results were tallied it said I spent far too much time trying to please my man than thinking of myself. I guess I'm just old fashioned or something, but it's always seemed to me that you get married to spend time with your husband, not to be off with the gals. I see nothing wrong in being there for my loved ones. Maybe that's the problem with todays relationships, everyone is out for themselves and the hell with the other person. If I had a man that loved me, I would go to the ends of the earth for him.

June 23, 2002

My heart is broken, I am in shock, and the tears are streaming down my face as I write this tonight. A wonderful woman is no longer with us. She has gone to heaven to become an angel. She has always been my angel, from the moment I met her. Her strength in the face of terrible illness, her capacity for love and understanding, her great sense of humor, and her compassion for other people went far beyond what most people can give.

Terri was the kind of person who was always there for you, to lend an ear, share a joke, rejoice in your happiness, and commiserate with you in your sorrow. Not once in all the time I knew her did I ever hear her complain about not feeling well, or having to live with Lupus, Congestive heart failure, COPD, and FMS. She was the most optimistic person I ever met. No matter how horrible she felt or how much pain she had to endure, she remained upbeat and happy. She was an inspiration to me....and always will be.

Terri will be missed by many, her husband, her 2 children, her sisters and brothers, her mother, and her many friends. Not long ago I created a website for Terri. She'd wanted one, but didn't know how to go about making one. I was happy to do this small favor for her.

June 25, 2002

Why is it so hard for some people to be honest? It's bad enough in real life to find an honest person. But there's something about being online that seems to make most people nothing but pathological liars. I'm not sure if it's the anonymity of being online, or if they just think being online is all a game. It's not a game, and the people out here aren't pawns to be played with. We're living, breathing, real people. With feelings, concerns, and character. Something the "players" in the world completely lack.

Now I'm not saying that I'm perfect....lord knows I'm far from it. But I've never intentionally hurt another person for personal gain, or enjoyment. I've never told anyone I loved them and not mean it with all my heart. Nor have I ever lied to conceal thruths about myself I didn't want someone to know. I've never painted myself to be anything than what I was. A brutally honest (as I've been told), sensitive, caring individual.

My first instinct when I'm hurt by someone is to crawl into a hole, away from people, and just be left alone. However, I know that by doing just that I've allowed those people to hurt me even more. Although I will admit, with each person who hurts me, I'm less and less inclinded to allow myself to be hurt again. Slowly, I begin to unknowingly errect walls around my heart. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to truly believe, and trust people again.

June 27, 2002

I read a book once where the main character had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. His friends and family were devastated to hear this news. However, the main character just smiled and said..."Life is terminal, no one is here indefinitely." I've thought about this quote off and on ever since I finished that book. I guess maybe, if we all think of life in those terms, we'd enjoy each and every day to the utmost. Maybe those closest to us would matter more, and maybe we'd try to touch more people with our words, love, and understanding. Maybe not.

My good friend Terri passed away on Sunday. I didn't know Terri as much as would have liked to. There were a lot of things about her I didn't know, a lot of topics we'd never covered. The things I did know about Terri were enough for me. She was kind, funny, loving, supportive, understanding....ah the list could go on and on. Her passing was such a tragedy to those of us left behind. Like most of us walking the face of the earth, her life wasn't easy. She was one very sick woman. I guess the thing I'll always find amazing about Terri is you never would have known just how sick she really was. She never complained, never even talked about her illnesses. (and there were too many of them.) If it hadn't been for her older sister, I wouldn't have even known Terri was sick.

When you're down and out, and unable to do what most "normal" people can do, you find yourself wanting to feel your life matters....to anyone. I know I've felt that way on occasion, and I think in some small way Terri did too. I know when we talked about her website, she said she wanted to be able to give to others. If only just a little support for those people in her shoes. I felt the name of her site captured not only what she hoped to accomplish, but what she was herself. Terri's Angels of Hope was born.

I'm not sure what her family will want to do about the website. But personally, if the decision was up to me, I'd keep it going. I can't really express why I feel this way. Maybe I just hate to see her hope pass with her. Maybe it's more than that. Maybe, just maybe, her story could help someone in the same boat. Maybe people reading about this woman would come to realize that good people DO exist, and that should be hope for everyone.

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