As Misty's World Turns


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June 2, 1999

The doctor appointment for my Mother turned out well yesterday. He seemed like a really nice guy, and he also confirmed that it looked like torn cartilage in her knee. She felt immensely better after he gave her a shot of cortizone. She also went last night for a MRI. She goes back to the doctor again next week to see what the MRI shows. If in fact it is torn cartilage, he will operate on her knee to repair the damage. It seemed so nice to see my Mother happier. Between getting the shot, and having an MRI done, she was in much better spirits.

Seeing her so depressed and upset has effected me greatly. My nerves have been on edge and my stress levels have been through the roof. By the time I got home last night at 9:30 pm I was a mess physically. Instead of hanging out is spades for hours, I played one game and went straight to bed. I think Jack was amazed when I told him we were going to bed at 10:30 pm. (lol)

This morning I don't feel too rested, but chances are I will after I take a nap. At least some action has been taken towards improving my Mom's health. I think she and I are both relieved.

June 4, 1999

I find myself sitting here today, wondering about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness as it were. I've always been one of those people who enjoys a really good love story. You know the kind. The one where the woman searching for true love, finds the man of her dreams. Where they see each other across a crowded room, or maybe they see each other across a park...or something. Their eyes meet, and for one unforgetable second they know there stands the only person for them.

Usually this is where the movie ends, or if you're a reader of such things, this is where the book ends. Occasionally the movie or book goes on to show them living happily ever after. Madly in love years later, sitting on a porch swing with their arms draped over each other's shoulders, and just rocking back and forth. While a slow smile comes to their lips as they gaze longlingly into each others eyes.

At times I've found myself seriously wondering if such a love really exists. Does this kind of love live in the real world. Thinking back upon my life to when I was a little girl, I realize this love does exist. At least it existed for my parents. I can remember the shear look of love on their faces as they looked at each other. The feel of love between them when I was in their presence. It radiated a kind of peace to everyone who was around them.

Why is it then that I've never experienced anything like this? I've met people in my life that I have loved. People who have been important to me at the time, or continue to be important to me. But this isn't the type of love I've craved all my life. That love is what I would term "friendly love". Love that you have for someone who is special because of their friendship to me. Not the type of love where I'd give up everything I hold near and dear, just to spend the rest of my life with them.

Today I find myself wondering if I'll really ever find the one man that fills me with such happiness that the world could end tomorrow, and as long as we were together, I wouldn't care. I keep asking myself, where does he live? How can I get in touch with him? Does he even know I'm alive? And finally, how much longer will I have to wait? It's been pointed out to me that my chances of finding him online are slim. It's also been pointed out to me that I'm crazy to think he exists online at all. I suppose the people who have pointed this out to me are right. But then I have to ask, where do I find him? Where do I begin my search? Like so many people online, this is my social life. This is where I go to meet people, to talk to people, to spend time playing cards with other people. The internet is the only place I can go where I know someone, where I can find someone to spend time with, and where I feel liked and accepted as a person.

I live in a moderately sized southern town. I am an explosive combination of: Jewish-German-Irish-English and American Indian blood. I'm a true Libra and a red head. I'm also a "damn yankee", (as has been pointed out to me more times than I care to remember.) The people I come in contact with on a day to day basis don't seem to know I even exist. After living here for over 10 years, I've met no one here in this town that I would describe as "friendly". For some reason they see only my outside, and hear only a "damn yankee" voice. No one has even attempted to get past my "packaging" as I call it. After all that is what our outsides are....packaging. It's what is inside each of us that makes us unique and special. Not what we look like on the outside. Since I don't work I'm not able to meet someone through a job. I'm also not a "party" type gal. I find going alone to nightclubs even more depressing than spending Christmas alone. The only contact I have with people is through this computer. So I ask you....where do I go to meet him?

I know if I were able to find a place where I could meet people I would be ok. Since I have no friends here, or even anyone that I know, (with the exception of my soon to be ex husband of course), there is no way for me to meet people through friends. If I were able to meet someone who was genuine, someone who took the time to search inside a person, rather than just take you at face value, then I could prove that I have alot to offer them. If I were asked to describe myself, I guess this is what I would say: I'm open, honest, caring, loving and sincere. I'm opinionated at times, funny, and prone to loving too much I suppose. I value certain basic morals, but I am far from a prude. I'm definitely a one man woman. I love to give. I have no problem giving a man whatever it is I feel he would enjoy. When I meet someone that touches my heart, I'll do whatever it takes to make that person happy. Anything from leaving little love notes in his briefcase, to back rubs, to buying him his favorite CD on impulse, or just surprising him when he comes home at night with his favorite meal. (served naked lol)

I have always felt that by giving to someone else, I am the one who is rewarded. I love to see the look of happiness on the face of someone I love. There's nothing like it in the world. And to know that I was the one who could make them happy is such a thrill to me. I've always been a big believer that everything in life happens for a specific reason. We might not see the reasoning at the time, but looking back years later it becomes crystal clear. Looking back over the experiences I've had in the past I can see why each one occured. Each experience left me a little different. And each time I made it through, I gained more strength and had more character because of that episode.

Lately I've been trying to tell myself that is what is happening now. For the first time in my life I am becoming my own person. I am the only one in control of my life right now. I am the one who will make it or break it. Oh but what I would give to have him standing beside me through all of this. Just to know that when the storms in my life pass, that he will be there as the clouds begin to break up and blow away. Just to know that I'm not all alone, that there really is someone there for me after all.

June 5, 1999

As I write this entry I'm wondering if I'm ever going to get to post it. You see, for the last 3 days I've been without Internet access. I'm paying a fortune to be connected to the internet, it just doesn't work! Like I'm always saying, everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is happening for a reason too. Other than to drive me nuts that is. (lol) Me without Internet access is like a duck without water. It's just not conceivable, or is it? When I take the time to think about it, I realize how different I've spent the last 3 days. I've actually sat down and reconciled not one but 2 checking accounts. (a thing I absolutely hate to do) I've cleaned my apartment. Both Jack and I have been walking down to the pond here and watching the ducks. I've even written a few poems. Still, I feel lost without the ability to talk to other people. I've already phoned all the people I care to talk to, and I'm not looking forward to the next bill when it comes in. What I'd give to have someone here to talk to. Someone that didn't require a long distance phone call, or Internet access.

I should be on a first name basis with my Internet tech support, as often as I call. I'd initially thought my lack of Internet access was due to a series of storms we had here Thursday afternoon. But after dialing the same number for 3 days and only getting a busy signal I began to wonder. When I woke up this morning I made it my top priority to find something out! It took several calls to different parts of my cable company but I finally got something started. Now all I have to do is sit around till hell freezes over for someone to come to my apartment and check out my cable.

Once I'd gotten a hold of someone reguarding my Internet access I went to my Mom's for the afternoon. We'd gone together on buying all the video tapes to the mini series "The Winds of War". A total of 19 video tapes in all. We've already finished watching the first 14 tapes. Today we began to watch the last 5 tapes in the mini series. We've both enjoyed this immensely. It's amazing to me that anyone lived to tell the story of what really happened in occupied France, Italy, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Russia, and every other country where Jews lived. If you're a history buff, you'd love these videos. If you aren't, you'd be amazed how riveting the story line actually is. Like my Mother commented the other day, it's like the Henry family is a part of our family. We've suffered along with them now for 7 years so far.

Being part Jewish myself, I'm amazed at the treatment the Jews received from the Natzis. Like everyone else, I read about WW2 in the history books at school. But it wasn't until I actually saw how they were treated that the horror set in. I found it ironic that treating the Jews as they did, the Natzis really thought they were breaking them down and destroying their religous beliefs. This was not true. The family in this story weren't what you would term "good Jews" before they became prey to the Natzis. They didn't even think of themselves as Jews really. It wasn't until they lived through unspeakable horrors that they found themselves in their faith. It's scary to think how many innocent men, women and children were exterminated in world war 2. Millions of people killed, beaten and tortured just because of their religous beliefs.

The scary part is that so many people still live like that today. Naturally it's not on as grand a scale as what Hitler did to the Jews, but racism still thrives today. Today....in a "civilized" world. People are beaten, in some cases tortured, and killed...just because they are a different color, have different religous beliefs, or because they have different sexual preferences than others. It makes me sick to think how little we've traveled on the evolutionary scale when human beings are treated, or in this case, mistreated for such reasons. What I find appalling is that a good majority of the people who are treating our fellow human beings like this are also people who profess to be Christians. Imagine! To me it's utterly mind boggling how anyone who could call themself a Christian and be so cruel to another person. What happened to the section in the bible that says we are not here to judge others?

June 6, 1999

Sunday, June 6 1999.....my 4th day without Internet access. I've been amazed at how much the internet has become a part of my life. I guess if I had lived in an area where I was accepted and befriended, the Internet wouldn't have become such an important part of my existence. By being forced to amuse myself in other ways I've begun doing things I haven't done in ages, like writing. In the last few weeks I've spent alot of time reaquainting myself with an old friend. His insights into what makes me tick have been both interesting and deadly accurate. It's funny how the hours we've spent talking on the phone have helped me. With his help and support I've been able to understand certain things about myself that I'd never really thought about before. One of those things being how I've always felt that I needed someone to make me happy. That it wasn't possible for me to be happy without the love of a man. I realize now that my past relationships with men have been more because I thought I needed them, rather than because I wanted to be with them.

To feel you need someone to make you happy as much as I have in the past isn't healthy. For myself, or the people involved in my life. My friend has given me some very good insights as to why I act the way I do, and why I feel the way I do. It still amazes me how accurate his intuitions are about me. Through talking to him I think I've learned more about myself than I ever knew before. I find it funny how people seem to come into your life at exactly the right time you need them. Looking back over my life it seems that most of the people I have cherished the most have appeared to me just when I needed them the most, like my old friend.

For the first time in my life I'm evaluating how and why I do certain things, and how I can change myself for the better. I'm also beginning to see my life in a whole new light than ever before. Now that I have a better understanding of myself and my needs, I finally feel prepared to continue my journey through life. It's amazed me how much influence people have had on me in my life, and how they have made me feel about myself. I realize now that I've let people take over parts of me without my even knowing it. Over the years I've allowed myself to be changed by others instead of being allowed to be my own person.

I allowed myself to be manipulated by the people in my life for their own selfish reasons. And by doing so I lost more and more of myself in the process. Now that I'm finally on my own, and now that I am the only one that has control over my life, I see myself reemerging for the first time in years. My family was the first to notice this. My Mother said to me not long ago that she hadn't seen me this content in years. She also said that she hadn't seen me laugh like this since before I was married. Now that I've taken the time to think about it I realize this is true. I'm not the person I have been for the last 13 years. I'm basically happier, I'm more in control than I've ever been, and I've begun to regain some of my self esteem that has been lost for too long.

In the past I'd allowed myself to feel responcible for everything that happened. I now know that isn't fair. I am only responcible for what I do, not what other people may do. I also allowed myself to believe I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't smart enough, that I wasn't thin enough. I had become one of those women I dislike the most. A whiner, a complainer, and weak. Long ago I stopped fighting for myself. I stopped fighting for respect from the people who claimed to love me. I allowed myself to be directed through life instead of making my own direction. I allowed another person to make me feel I wasn't good enough. Sure I was strong enough to deal with my illness, and to deal with financial affairs, but I was weak when it came to my husband. To keep peace, and to make him happy, I allowed myself to be mentally bullied to the point where I had no self confidence at all.

When I finally decided I couldn't take it any longer I asked for a divorce. I had no idea when I did so just how much my life was going to change. It hasn't been easy, but at last I feel like I'm making some headway. For the first time in my life I can honestly say I don't need anyone beside me. I'm strong, intelligent and in time I think I will be far happier than I ever dreamed possible. I have my friend to thank for alot of this. With his help I'm finally becoming my own person. I feel in control of my life, and I'm beginning to regain my self esteem. I've learned alot of things over the years. One thing I know I've learned is that never again will I allow a person to take over my personality. To make me feel that what I do and how I look isn't good enough. If I ever do fall in love again, it will be because I want to be with the man, not because I feel I need him to make me happy.

June 7, 1999

I was able to contact my cable company reguarding my Internet access problem. They assured me they would send someone over here tomorrow between 3:30-5:30pm. Over the past few days I've begun to learn some very important things about myself, and I've decided to continue on the course I've been following. Namely to continue rebuilding my life to suit my myself instead of suiting others. Two of the key components in this decision are the use of my computer, and creating a life for myself offline. If I hope to make a life for myself, then it can't be spent only on the computer. Past experiences have shown me that the people you meet online only serve one purpose, to alleviate loneliness. To depend on others for your personal happiness defeats you in the end.

For this, and many other reasons I am determined to get the hell out of this state. There is nothing here for me. There is nothing for me to do but to spend my time online. I need to be someplace where I can do things I get enjoyment from, like fishing. I need to be able to get out of my apartment if I hope to ever have a fulfilling life. I also need to be near people who love and support me. My family has always been an achor to me. Something I can depend on when the shit in life starts coming down. When all is said and done, you have few real friends in life, it's your family that will always be there for you.

Now that I've made some important decisions about my life I feel a strange sence of calm over take me. I can't honestly remember when I felt this good about my life and the direction it was going. I'm beginning to feel like a new person, and I'm anxious to continue with the changes necessary to make my life complete. I've decided that I've been too easy for too long. From now on I will no longer allow myself to be a doormat to anyone again. This means from this point on I will do what is necessary to speed up finalizing our separation agreement, get it signed and continue to put in my time till I can file for divorce. For months I've been living on word alone from my husband. I have nothing in writing as to how I receive my alimony checks, or how other important matters will be dealt with. I'm tired of sitting around and waiting for this agreement to be drawn up and signed. I've already waited for 4 months for something that should have taken no more than a few weeks to finish. I am determined to put and end to his procrastination and get this over and done with now!

Once our separation agreement is drawn up and signed phase two of my plan begins. Phase two being my move from South Carolina and beginning my life in Florida. Once my Mother has had her surgery and is back on her feet again we'll put her house up for sale. My brother is already looking for suitable places for us to live near him. When something is found we'll drive down and buy something. I really feel I'm making the right choice to leave here and start all over fresh. My only regret is that it took me so long to see the light. But I'm done dwelling on the negatives in my life. From now on I'll only think about them as something to change, not something there is no escape from.

June 8, 1999

Believe it or not I actually have Internet access now!!! It only took 3 men 2 hours to find my problems. (lol) Now that I'm up and running again I'm going to be careful not to fall into my old patterns. I'll try to spend what time I have online for the basics and not go looking for anymore than that. Now that I've decided to go in a different direction with my life I feel so hopeful and confident. I never want to lose this feeling again. I'm also on the final days of my last medications. I've decided to do away with all of them for now. It's about time I stood on my own two feet for a change, and not rely on drugs to get me through. Thankfully I have a great doctor who agrees with me in this decision.

Today we finished the last of our mini series on video tape, "The Winds of War". I'm almost sorry it's over, I've enjoyed watching it so much. After watching such a movie about world war 2 and the holocaust I find it a miracle that any Jews survived. I'm also amazed that the Jews who did survive were able to piece together a life for themselves after what they experienced for so long. It's mind boggling to me to think there are people out there that think the holocaust was a hoax. What a horrible time in the history of humanity. I hope the day never comes when such a thing is forgotten. What happened to the Jews should never be forgotten! These people's deaths should not be in vain, humanity needs to learn from this horrible event, so that it's never repeated again.

June 11, 1999

The last few days have been very hectic for me. I've been at my Mothers house both days. It's been hard for me to muster the strength to do the little things for her that she can't do for herself. Between my own pain and fatigue, and the horrible heat and humidity here, I'm exhausted most of the time. Physically I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends. Mentally I'm doing very well. In fact I don't remember a time when I felt as "together" as I have lately. For the first time in my life I feel like I really know what I'm doing, and I'm happy doing it.

It was almost a relief for me to discover that I didn't need a man in my life to make me happy. When I think of all the years I've spent being miserable and unhappy, when all along it was there inside me to do it alone. My level of self confidence has been boosted beyond my wildest dreams. And it's a comfort to me now to know that I'm in control, not someone else.

This weekend I will sit down and talk with my husband about a few items in our separation agreement. I'm hoping we can come to an agreement while he's here, and within the next few weeks we can get our agreement drawn up and signed. It seems like years since I asked for this divorce and we began drafting this agreement. I'm tired of living day to day with no legal security of any kind. I don't like feeling this unprotected.

Sunday my oldest brother Mark, and his family will be coming for a visit. I haven't seen any of them since January, and I'm looking forward to their week long vacation here. My Mom is on cloud nine also. She's like a kid at Christmas. It's so nice to see her smile and appear to be happy for a change. She's been so depressed lately with her inability to do much for herself. I think Mark's visit will be good for both of us.

June 15, 1999

I've meant to get in here a little more often, but I've been having a really bad time lately. Last week I'd finished the last of my medications, hoping to lose some much needed weight, but it just didn't work. By yesterday I was so sick I was ready to either call 911 or jump off the balcony. I'd put several calls into my doctor asking for help, but naturally I never got any response. By 3 pm I was a mess, I'd been sick both ways, my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't hold a glass of water, and I was sweating so much my clothes were literally soaked.

I tried to lie down on the couch but the room wouldn't stop spinning. To make matters worse I'd counted over 60 panic attacks. Chest pains, nausea, the whole nine yards. I made my way to the kichen and took one of my pills, then I layed back down and prayed for it to work. It's times like this that makes me wonder what I've done wrong. There has to be a reason I'm being put through this, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out. To the best of my knowledge I've been a good person. I've tried to over look other people's faults and deal with them as best I can. I've done what was expected of me as a daughter, helping my mom take care of my dad till he died. Taking care of my mom now.

I've even tried to be fair in my separation and impending divorce from my abusive husband. I honestly try to be happy, some days it's just harder than others. When you can't move your arms or legs because the pain is so bad, when you dread a shower because it feels as if the top layer of your skin has been torn off, and when you are so sick you can't hold your head up it's hard to be happy. I try not to think of the things I no longer can do. I try not to think about the independence I no longer have. I try not to wonder what will become of me when my mom dies and can no longer take care of me. I try not to wonder why the man I married stopped loving me, I try not to think about any of those things.

I try to take each moment as it comes, and make the best of it. I try to be nice to other people. I try so many things that just don't seem to be working. I mean, if it was working why would I be going through all of this? If there really is a God (and sometimes I really wonder) why would he make people suffer so? Sure, the more you endure the stronger you are, but hey...I've hit my limit. How much stronger do I have to be? I've already watched my father slowly die over the course of 12 yrs. I've already seen the man I married stop loving me, abuse me, and love other women. I've already watched my life as I knew it change completely, where I'm at the mercy of other people to get my groceries, my clothes, do my laundry, support me financially. My days now consist of sitting here at the computer for short periods of time, laying in bed, or being pushed around in my wheelchair. I've gotten to the point where I can't even push myself now.

I'm still trying to figure out why this is all happening to me. Sure I know I'm not alone, and that other people have it worse than me. But it still doesn't help. I mean I'm the one going through this. I'm the one who is trying my best to put a life together for myself. It scares me to even think of my future. The last 21 years of this illness have proven to me that what I have today, I will lose tomorrow. I used to have my own business, I used to help other people (often times putting my life on hold because of it), I used to be energetic and actually do things. Now a short drive to the local grocery store takes it out of me. When I get home all I do is sleep for hours.

For those of you that have read this far, my apologies for whinning. I just had to get this all off my chest.

June 20, 1999

With each passing day I seem to feel a little better. I'm still physically sick from going off my meds, but I think the one med I did go back on is finally getting into my system. My hands don't shake like they did, but my memory is much worse again. I'm also feeling a little more calm. I guess I know now that I'll be on this drug forever, unless it's replaced by another like it. Like my Mom keeps telling me, "if you need it, you need it". I need this one, that's for sure.

I'm still in the same boat as I've been for the last 7 months with my husband. I'd thought we had come to an agreement on our separation agreement. He called me Friday night to say he'd changed his mind yet again. Now we're right back to where we were on day one. If someone had told me back in November when he moved out, that we'd have gone through 7 months of fighting I'd have called them a liar. In my eyes my husband had many faults, but one thing I always thought was that he was trustworthy. If he told me something I believed him. Now I know different, and I guess I'll never be comfortable until this agreement finally gets drawn up and signed.

It seems that all along the way he will agree to one point in the separation agreement, then just as we're to have it put on paper he changes his mind. I had hoped when I asked for a divorce we could have an amicable one. The more he jerks me around on this the madder I'm getting. To be quite honest it's in my best interest to stay married. I have everything I want now. Financial security for now and my future, medical benefits second to none, my own apartment and my freedom. The last thing I want now is to get tied down with another man. I have no intentions at this point of ever remarrying. But I don't want to be married to him. I just want what is legally mine and I want the hell out!

It's going to take me a very long time until I totally trust another man again. I have been used over and over by men throughout my life and I'm damn sick of it. When I think of the things I've done for my husband it makes me ill at the treatment I got in return. I literally gave this man the best years I had. When we met and married I was able to walk, work and have a life. I sold my business so he could go to graduate school, I worked to put him through graduate school when I shouldn't have been working, I did whatever I could to help boost his self esteem, I went to business parties I despised, not to mention some things I can't print, all to make him happy and to help him. Now 13 years later I'm made to fight for every damn cent that is due me by law.

I used to be a very strong willed person. I was raised to be very independant. I had my own business, my own car and my own life. After 13 years of living with a man that had stopped loving me, a man that ignored me when he wasn't criticizing everything I said or did, along with years of abuse, I became a shell of my former self. I didn't even notice the changes in myself until I got out and began to piece together my own life again. After all these years I finally feel like the real me has come back again. There is something desperately wrong when you can't be "yourself" with your spouse. When your basic personality changes because you're married to someone.

All my life I have felt inferior. I never felt like I was good enough or that I had anything to offer someone. What a fool I was, and what a bigger fool I was to allow myself to manipulated and abused by people to serve their own purposes. So much has changed for me in the last year. I'm no longer the woman I used to be while I was married. For the first time in my life I know I have many things to offer someone. But the most important thing I've learned is that I no longer have to feel as if I need someone. What a feeling of freedom that has been for me. To know that I am in control of my happiness and not someone else. Never again will I allow myself to be used like I have in the past. For the first time in so many years I'm actually happy.

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