These are some of my all time favorite Poems. Most of the Jeremy Lloyd ones can only really be apreciated when you hear the audio version, as most of them are songs. Just E-Mail if you want to hear any of them.
My Best Friend
Jeremy Lloyd
Save for the humming of the bees
And raindrops falling thro' the trees
The wood was silent as a grave
Whilst shafts of sunlight made a brave
Attempt to pierce the velvet gloom
As lonely as an empty room
Alone was I but not afraid
The friend I'd been with must have strayed
For tho' I called no answer came
And so I called and called again
Still no answer came
And so I played a splendid game
In the bracken wet and thick
With my favourite walking stick
And then a voice called out quite near
"So there you are, old chap, come here"
And sitting there upon a log
Was my best friend, who said: "Good Dog"
Nearly Four
Jeremy Lloyd
A teddy bear sits on a mattress,
One glass eye and threadbare paw
Looking at a cuckoo clock
Which tells it's nearly ten to four
Four O'clock is Teddy's tea time,
Lots of friends and fancy cake
Although it's only pretend eating,
Oh how long ten minutes take!
Shadows grow on distant hillside,
Orange sun on glassy sea
All in his amber eye reflected
And still ten minutes left 'till tea
The mattress striped is old and broken
Rusty springs through stuffing show
The cuckoo clock is also broken
But how's a Teddy s'posed to know?
Unaware he's been abandoned,
That this is not the nursery cot,
The hills and sea just glass, old papers
On a disused rubbish plot
A telephone that noone answers,
Empty tins that once held tea,
The clock that still says nearly tea time,
Where can all the children be?
For ages now he's lain unwanted,
Saluting with a threadbare paw
He'll never know he's been discarded
'Till the clock reads after four
Don't tell him that the clock is broken
As long as Teddy doesn't know,
It will always soon be tea time,
As it was so long ago
Jacques, a Penniless French Mouse
Jeremy Lloyd
A penniless French mouse called Jacques,
In beret, boots and belted mac,
Strode idly down an empty drain
Protected 'gainst the wind and rain.
When from a grating in the street
A cigarette fell at his feet,
And in surprise, he cried:
"Mon Dieu"!
It is my favourite brand,
Disque Bleu.
"Ma foi, these are très fort", he said,
Inhaling deep, the end glowed red.
A smell he though was just le drain,
Was gas escaping from le main
La grande explosion, au r'voir Jacques,
In beret, boots and belted mac.
And now he has gone
To the great mousehole in the sky,
Where mountains of le cheese
Stretch away as far as the eye can see.
"Excusez-moi, monsieur..."
"Oui?"
"Which way to le Roquefort s'il vous plaît?
The Haggis Season
Jeremy Lloyd
The haggis season has begun
All over Scotland every gun
Is taken down with loving care,
Though some prefer the haggis snare
For haggis are a wily lot,
That's why they are so seldom shot.
Then hidden in the Highland Heather
Great hairy clansmen crouch together,
And having laid the haggis bait
(A lifelike haggis on a plate),
One cries out loudly "There the noo!"
Which means the haggis is in view.
It's flying upside down and low
The guns all fire but they're too slow.
For though it's rather old and fat
They're awful hard to hit like that!
And as it flies off in the mists,
Great hairy clansmen shake their fists
And scream their curses to the crags
Then stamp on empty haggis bags.
And so the haggis gets away to live
Until next Hogmanay.
And that's the reason it's so rare,
This strange traditional Scottish fare.
Captain Beaky
Jeremy Lloyd
The bravest animals in the land
Are Captain Beaky and his band.
That's Timid Toad, Reckless Rat,
Artful Own, and Batty Bat
Who march the woodlands, singing songs
That tell how they have righted wrongs.
Once Hissing Sid, an evil snake
Kept the woodland folk awake
In fear and trembling in the night,
In case he gave someone a bite.
Said Artful own "We'll lie in wait,
And one of us will be the bait."
Said Captain Beaky "Have no fear,
For I alone will volunteer."
"No, make it me!", said Reckless Rat,
"I'll stand there in my reckless hat.
When Hissing picks up my trail,
I'll just lassoo him with my tail!"
"Ooh, good idea", said Timid Toad,
"We'll hide, a long way from the road,
And when you've overcome resistance,
We'll rush along to your assistance."
Said Batty Bat, "I've got a wheeze,
I'll fly and hide up in the trees!
If Hissing Sid should slither by,
I'll drop a boulder from the sky!"
Said Artful Own, "The idea's sound,
How will you lift it off the ground?"
Poor Batty Bat just scratched his head.
"Hadn't thought of that!", he said.
Said Owl, "The rest of us hold back,
There's only one that he'll attack."
Said Timid Toad, "I like your plan!"
"Good luck", said Own, "for you're the man!"
So Timid Toad, his eyes a-popping,
Into the woodland night went hopping
Captain Beaky waved his hand,
Followed with his trusty band.
That's Artful Own, and Reckless Rat,
And above the trees flew Batty Bat.
"Stop!", said Beaky, "I hear squeaking!"
"It's Batty Bat", said Own, "He's speaking."
"It's all in code!", said Reckless Rat
Said Own, "I'll just decypher that.
A dash, a dot, two short, two long.
I rather hope he's got it wrong!
It reads 'Can clearly see the road,
Hissing Sid has captured Toad!'"
"Quick, men!", said Beaky, "No delay!
We mustn't let him get away!"
And leaping off, said "Follow me!"
And ran headfirst into a tree.
"Dot dot dot", squweaked Batty Bat.
Said Beaky, "Quick, decypher that!"
Said Reckless Rat, "Perhaps we're gaining!"
"No", said Own, "He says, 'It's raining.'"
Oh how they ran to save poor Toad,
For they must find that snake's abode.
Guided by old Batty Bat,
"Dot dot, go this way!
Dash, go that!"
Then Hissing Sid's lair, they espied.
Were they too late, was he inside?
Said Reckless Rat, "I'll get a pole,
And stop him going down his hole."
Then into sight the snake came hopping.
Right past his hole, no sign of stopping.
Said Reckless Rat, "That's rather funny,
There's something jumping in his tummy!"
Said Captain Beaky, "Well I'm blowed!
Hissing Sid has swallowed Toad!"
And as the snake hopped out of sight,
Off they chased into the night.
At last they found him, tired and dizzy
And pulled out Toad, who said "Where is he?
For left alone, I felt quite sick,
And hopped into a hollow stick."
Said Owl "A clever step to take,
You jumped into that slippery snake!"
"That was brave of Toad!", said Rat.
"That's just my sort of plan!", said Bat.
Said Captain Beaky to his men,
"We won't see Hissing Sid again!"
And as they marched off down the road,
They sang in praise of Timid Toad.
Above them flew old Batty Bat,
With his wings streched out, quite flat.
Owl's idea, that clever fella'
To have a flying umberalla!
The bravest animals in the land
Are Captain Beaky and his band.
That's Timid Toad, Reckless Rat,
Artful Own, and Batty Bat
Who march the woodlands, singing songs
That tell how they have righted wrongs.
Captain Beaky's Christmas Pantomime
Jeremy Lloyd
It's Christmas time throughout the land,
And Captain Beaky and his band
(That's Timid Toad, and Reckless Rat,
Artful Owl, and Batty Bat),
Are painting a bit cardboard sign,
Which reads "The Woodland Pantomime".
"In my mind", said Captain Beaky,
"There isn't any question.
My name should be above the title,
As it was my suggestion."
"Hold on a minute there", said Bat,
"This piece of cardboard's mine!"
"But only I", said Artful Owl,
"Can spell 'Pantomime'!"
"That's very true", said Timid Toad,
"And he spelt 'Woodland', too!"
Said Rat, "Well 'Woodland' looks all wrong,
There should be one more 'U'."
"Let's not argue now", said Owl,
"The play's the thing to plan.
I favour Humpty Dumpty,
Or even Peter Pan."
"We haven't got a crockodile or clock",
Said Reckless Rat.
Said Bat, "We could do Cinderella.
I bet we all know that!"
Said Artful Owl, "He's right, of course!
I fear the point has missed us!
With Bat and Rat to play the parts,
We've got the ugly sisters!
Timid Toad, of course,
Can play the part of Cinderella."
Said Beaky, "Bags I play the prince
That handsome charming fella'!"
"Agreed!", said Owl
"Of course you'll need me as your acting tutor."
Said Reckless Rat, "How'd you like a
Quick punch up the 'ooter?"
"Bat and me's not playing parts
Unless they're ones we've chosen."
Said Timid Toad, "Please let's decide,
My f-feet are getting f-f-frozen!"
Said Captain Beaky, "That's it Toad!
We don't have to think twice!"
And under "Woodland Pantomime",
He wrote the words "On Ice".
At that moment, Sid the Snake
Swung down from a tree,
And hissed in Captain Beaky's ear
"Is there are part for me?"
And then he went on to explain
He wasn't really bad!
And when you're lonely and unloved
At Christmas time it's sad!
"Well I can't see why not", said Owl,
"But can you dance and sing?"
"I can hiss", said Hissing Sid, "Ssssssss"
Said Owl, "Right Demon King!"
And so they all did pantomime
Skating on a pond,
And Hissing Sid played Demon King,
The Beanstalk, and the wand.
Dick Widdington was played by Owl,
He painted all the signs!
And Timid Toad picked Sleeping Beauty,
'Case he can't remember lines.
Bat and Rat were ugly sisters,
The kind you love to hate.
But Beaky, dressed as Handsome prince,
Found he couldn't skate!
So by the cardboard sign he stood,
A paintbrush in his hand.
And over "Pantomime", he wrote
"By Captain Beaky's band"!
And as the Demon King got cheers
For everything he did,
He added on in smalled letters,
"Guest Star", "Guest Star: Hissing Sid".
Daddy Longlegs
Jeremy Lloyd
In the last rays of the sun
A Daddy Longlegs flew
And 'though his life was nearly done,
He felt as good as new.
But to him it seemed a shame
That he'd soon disappear
Withought one single claim to fame
To show that he'd been here.
And so he drifted on the breeze
And he'd not gone too far,
When he was sucked into the ventilator
Of a cinema.
And there upon the silver screen,
A dancing man appeared
In top hat, white tie, tails and cane,
And everybody cheered.
Then up into the beam of light.
The Daddy Longlegs flew
And on the silver screen
His shadow started dancing too.
Daddy Longlegs, dancing to the beat.
Daddy Longlegs, two people, eight feet.
Daddy Longlegs, two people, eight feet.
As the man in tails tapped out each step,
Daddy Longlegs danced as well.
Until somebody swatted him,
And to the ground he fell.
And as he lay there, fading fast,
He said "What do I care?
I'm the only Daddy Longlegs to have danced with Fred Estaire!
Daddy Longlegs.
Daddy Longlegs, two people, eight feet.
Daddy Longlegs, dancing to the beat.
Daddy Longlegs, two people, eight feet.
Daddy Longlegs, dancing to the beat.
Daddy Longlegs, two people, eight feet.
Daddy Longlegs...
Dilys the Dachsund
Jeremy Lloyd
Dilys the Dachsund hated snow,
Because her middle was so low.
And once when it was really snowing,
She only had her tail showing!
So in her woolly winter clothes,
She practiced walking on her toes.
And with an anxious little grin,
Went for a stroll, with stomach in.
And in the middle of her walk,
Was spotted by a talent halk,
Who cried as soon as he had seen her,
He knew she'd make a ballerina!
He christened her Dilys Barkover
One day she'd dance with Rudi Rover!
Dilys thrilled at thought of fame,
Could hardly wait to change her name.
And quickly had the contract signed
Before the hawk could change his mind.
She rushed back home to break the news,
And bought some tiny ballet shoes.
She went to London on the train,
In search of fortune and acclaim.
And after weeks of leaps and bounds,
And back legs stretch with taller hounds,
Dilys got a lucky break,
To play a signet in Swan Lake
She danced so well with grace and speed,
Some said she should have got the lead!
And when she did a paw de deux,
Everyone aplauded her.
'Till Dilys, heady with success,
Performed impromtu arabesques
Underneath the royal box,
Where sat the Prince, a handsome fox.
Then jumping up on pointed toes,
She spun away accross the snow.
The Prince leapt forward with surprise,
And raised some glasses to his eyes.
For Dilys, spinning like a top,
Had spun so fast she couldn't stop!
Musicians paused and frowned, uncertain.
Stage hounds whispered "Drop the curtain!"
But wait! The Prince stood up and clapped!
And then, her shoe elastic snapped!
Disaster!
As high up in the air there flew,
A tiny silken ballet shoe,
Up toward the royal box,
Where stood the prince, a handsome fox.
He caught it in mid-air, still warm,
Kissed it, and a star was born!
And so deer Dachsunds, be of cheer,
It may well snow for you, next year!
The Flea
Jeremy Lloyd
Jock, a Scottish circus flea,
Could jump a height of one foot three.
And in his kilt both short and brief,
Could bend a mouse hair in his teeth.
He used to get his best aplause,
As in his silver spangled drawers,
And rubber shoes, lest he should slip,
He'd lift a great big orange pip.
Alas, ambition drove to hard,
He tried to lift a playing card.
And with assistance from a friend,
He got it to stand up on end.
Now, sad to say, poor Jock in dead.
The Ace of Spades fell on his head.
That fatal card.
Now the ghost of Jock, the circus flea,
Still jumps a height of one foot three.
And in his kilt still short and brief,
Bends that mouse hair in his teeth.
He still gets his best aplause,
As in his silver spangled drawers,
And rubber shoes lest he should slip,
He still lifts that orange pip.
And just before the vision fades,
He disappears beneath the ace of spades.
Blanche
Jeremy Lloyd
A baby owl
Whose name was Blanche
Perched bravely
On a narrow branch
And wondered
Whether she should try
To jump off and attempt to fly
She bravely counted up to ten
And then, she counted ten again
She jumped, she found she couldn't fly
And lay there looking at the sky
"It's lucky that that branch", said she
"Was on the ground and not the tree!"
Then off she ran and flapped her wings
And said "These are most awkward things,
For though I skip and jump quite high,
I'm still no nearer to the sky!"
And falling down, she gave a howl
And wished she'd never been an owl
And finally, her mother found her
and put her great big wing around her
And said "Dear Blanche, don't be upset,
you haven't grown your feathers yet!"
Browser Long the Bookworm
Jeremy Lloyd
Browser Long the bookworm,
Met a worm called Mabel
Boring through a dictionary
On a library table.
Said Browser Long "'Ello, 'ello,
I like the way you look!"
"Oh good", said Mabel,
"Come to tea,
You'll find me in the book."
"Call 'round at three
On tueseday next,
We'll have a celebration.
I'll shop for clothes at C & A
And meet you at the station."
Browser Long could hardly wait
Until next Tuesday came
Despite the fact
He hadn't asked
His ladyfriend's last name.
He ate his way through all the 'A's
And shortly after starting,
Caught 'B' for "boat"
And sailed the 'C's,
Arriving at departing.
Then dined on doughnuts, dates, and duck
As fast as one can read
Then went right through from "drink" to "drunk"
At full dictation speed!
Eating 'E' for "Energy",
He caught the first express.
Then rode on 'R' for "railway"
Down to the letter 'S'
There was Mabel at the station
Standing with her shopping
Alas, it was a straight-though train
And not one that was stopping!
So Browser Long jumped from the train
(An 'F' for "foolish action")
Now Mabel visits him each day
As he lies in 'T' for "traction".
Her last name's not important, now
For he's no longer keen
Since he's found she lives by "accident"
At the top of page 13!
Ode to a Robin
Karen Hembrough
Twitter Twitter on the wall
Tweet Tweet Tweet Twitter Twoo Twoo-woo!
I love you
O, the Robins in the tree,
Won't you come and sing to me?
Tweet Tweet Tweet Twitter Twoo Woo-oo
Look at your redish breast
Your lovely beak nestled in your chest
Pointy feet and all the rest
Sparrows - NOTHING! Robins are best
Robin I love you
Ooh, flying like a fluttering leaf
Ooh, if cooked doesn't taste like beef
Ooh Ooh Robins
Ode to Friendship
Karen Hembrough
HAHA HAHA HA HA HA
HO HO HE HE
YUM MMM YUM YORKIE
SHUT UP SAM!
Ode to my Socks
Karen Hembrough
Oh, my socks
So wooly and bright
Lying by my bed at night
Pwoargh, in the wash you go
And regain that sunny afterglow
Oh, my socks, my socks, oh oh!
Ode to the Squirrel on our Table in Reg
Karen Hembrough
In life, you were free
Now, in a box you are sixty-two pounds
Funny that
You can dance to music, if i shake the table leg,
So that's ok
Kalookalay, with your berry there
And your deadly arsenic filled belly
That's not so good
What if a tramp tries to eat you?
Mean squirrel, you are!
Bog off, nasty
(Haha, you can't, you're dead, smelly head)
Ode to Bubblebath
Karen Hembrough
Bubbly Bubbly Bubbly Boo
Ah, That's better
Much better, Ah yes
Where are you going?
NO, NOT DOWN THE DRAINING OUT
HOLE THAT'S NOT A PLUG BUT SOMETHING
ELSE TO STOP FLOODING!
I want you here!
COME BACK!
Where is the bubbly goodness gone?
Ode to Babybell
Karen Hembrough
Laura
Just ate you
You looked manky
Why?
Were you off?
Will you harm her?
No, Nooo!
OH NO, NO NO
Ode to Laura
Karen Hembrough
What jolly flower socks you have
But today you've got no lunch
That's very sad poor you
Boohoohoo
But at least you've got nice socks
What lovely socks you've got
Ooh, Oh, Nice socks
This next verse is an extention
As you said it was too short
Chris is your boyfriend, he is tall
But you, you are small
What nice hair you have
Ode to Paul
Karen Hembrough
Paul, Paul from Great Barrow
Flew in from Morocco like a sparrow
You like my poems, I like them too
You like my socks (I hope that you do)
You believe in God, Aaron doesn't
You've got a green coat, Aaron hasn't
His is red, you've got hair on your head
But everyone here has,
So that doesn't matter
If you eat lots of sweets
You'll probably get fatter
Ah Ah Paul
Ode to the Impending Death of Karen's Writer's Block
Karen Hembrough and me (Paul Dann)
We're going on duty soon
So tis hurried is our Ode
We're writing it together
Sam smells of Pomode
Whatever is that?
Why Paul, tis a type of hair gel-er
I see. Oh dear! We must travel, I fear!
Aha! We have traveled and how far we have come!
Half way 'round the school to this door hum hum hum!
HOHO! HEHE HAHA (twas fun)
Indeed it was but we didn't run
NoNo, we walked, oh yes we did
This Ode is too slow, we must make it quicker
I like monkeys and Mars bars and the odd nutty Snicker
I know you like monkeys, you love them in fact
I also love lizards, not as much (but use tact)
Because lizards get angry and very offended
And anger is bad when with hurt it is blended
Karen's writer's block is upon me, that can't be good!
It certainly is a nuisance and...pencils are made of wood
I think we have trouble making this rhyme!
I am glad you noticed, sure was about time!
I'm eating a Lion, Joe's put a thing on my head
Another boy flicked it off, Lion wrappers are red
Laura has a cold, "Who's got tissues", she said
A knife my hand cut, it smart, hurt and bled!
I hope over time that it will all mend
That far into the future I cannot comprehend
Well talking of future and present and past
The end of this poem has come now at last!
Ode to Jammy Dodgers
Made especially for KooKoos
Karen Hembrough, Laura Smith and me (Paul Dann)
Ah, Jamilicious, Ah Ode for all of us
To write, whenever we likes, a much
Easier idea than the one we had before
Hoorah! An Ode! A verse! Gafaw!
We're here, as before, but now Laura too
Three of us writing
Now, over to you
Mummy Cuckoos should not deserve the jammy goodness
For they put their eggs in another bird's nest
Jammy Dodgers for THOSE birds surely is best
Maybe so, Laura, indeed it is true
But then Cuckoos are Cuckoos
And I'm me, not you
If they were like Robins
On THEIR eggs they'd sit
But they are NOT, they are Coocoos
So learn to live with it
However, that having said
The other baby bird might fall on its head
Ouch! Ooh! How how unfair
I wouldn't let'em do that to MY baby!
They just wouldn't dare!
So who should get the Jammy Dodgers made especially for Cucoos?
Ode to Karen
Daniel Coates
(An evicted person currently habitual of 5a ADDRESS CENSORED ie The Shed)
O Karen,
You write odes better than I
About land, life, sea or sky
However, poetry for me
Is quite a sight to see
In fact I'd rather die!
When I heard I had an ode to write
I attempted to hide from your sight
I prepared the pigs to fly!
And now I've written as you asked
And hence the dreadfull task has passed
And so I've finished, "sigh"
P.S.:
I've written an ode, as I must
So now you'll vote for me, I trust!
Ode to Karen
Me (Paul Dann)
Oh Karen!
I know not what to put
To describe you adequate
If I were you I'd write an ode
About a Borg Transiever Node
But you know not what they are
'Cause only me and Joe do, ah!
You write odes better than me
Because of your Karenity
This poem for you is a little too neat
So I will add a really long line at the end in order to accentuate the rhythmic devices and metaphysical imagery you so enjoy to read and write in your little bits of spare time in between this and that whilst other people do boring things like maths homework and talking about television programmes that were ever so interesting for some strange reason that you can't understand
Oh, Karen, Karen
Oh
Poems
Jemma Gann
Poems,
They're everywhere.
Sometimes they annoy me
So
I close my mouth
and
Throw away my pen.
Then
they come sprouting
from my ears and my nose
and my
bellybutton!
