So, really, when did I get all this spare time to royally fuck up my sleeping pattern? I would be so stoked if someone could fill me in or if its just the next logical step to me becoming a total and complete loser. What if I turn into a female version of bence? You think I'm joking, this isn't a humorous matter. Damnit. I've still got my impecable sense of style.

I don't know about anyone else, but nightmares aren't just part of my regularly schedule program, yet I have been having them practically non-stop. I never have nightmares. I rarely even remember my dreams for that matter, but when I do, they are in full color and extremely vivid. I remember details, like what was written on the scrap of paper of the desk I walked by. I have to admit, I'm a little scared these dreams have something to do with the mood change in my room. This blue on two out of the three walls in my room might be having some weirdo effect on me and here we go, I am so doomed to hell. But wait, fuck that, I like the damn color too much. I haven't a clue.

This day has been practically surreal. While standing in line for my regular coffee cooler, I noticed I had people "looking" at me, and it's not that I mind..(okay, who am I kidding, of course I mind) but all of that eye action had me feeling super self-concious. So I turn to my Mom and say, "Is there like something on me?" And she says, "No, why?" But she was looking hard, like if there was, maybe she hadn't found it yet. I knew there wasn't anything wrong (or on me, I am typing this right now, OF COURSE there is something wrong) with me, but I couldn't just admit I felt like people were staring me down. This sort of thing is awkward. It really is. By this time I'm all shaky and just wishing the stupid girl could quicken the pace with the whip cream, like it is all that difficult to put white fluff on a chilled beverage. No sooner do we turn around to walk out, than does a "group" of acquaintances from school walk in. I think I panicked, I'm not positive, but I think..No, I am sure now, I panicked. I thought quickly, Shay, what are you wearing..is it wrinkled? does your skin look like you've been out of the house and in the sun within the past two days? Smile quick, say 'sweetie' and 'hun', and pretend you are happy to see these people.My mom obviously noticed because she practically had to nudge me to take a step, mind you, this all took place within about 30 seconds. At least she reads me well, 16 years of training has gotten her somewhere. I flash a smile. Quick, Aquaintance dialogue. I think in my brain I could actually see a mouse double clicking on the dialogue folder. (Realization: You have a sickness, girl.) I think I hugged like, six people before I got out of there alive and made hollow promises to call and "We'll get together!!!" As if.

I was antsy, driving on the way home, and I kept chipping nail polish off of my nails. That was a waste of a manicure. These people,..they shouldn't have this kid of an effect on me. For goodness sake, that was a french manicure dammit and just who are they to bring me to ruin it? I was, to say the least, a bit bothered by my odd reaction. Upon walking into my half-painted blue room, dropping my Ken Cole sunglasses on the floor, and curling my legs under me as I sat at my computer, everything settled inside of me like dust on library books. I was at ease.

What's happening to me?

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.25.2G • 6:30AM

I sat next to my Father like I'd never been comforted by his presence before, although he's only seemed to offer support more than enough. I laughed, actually, at the table of college guys who eyed me as we walked into the restaurant and how hard the wave of realization must have hit my father that I'm growing up. That I've been grown. That now, he is watching me flourish. And learn.

I'd never had quite a conversation like this with my step-mother, or I guess with my dad for that matter. But what other topic besides my mom would be fitting for the splended occasion? I confessed how I worry on the ideas that when I am 28, I might be talking to a therapist on a leather sofa, revealing issues that stress me so much I'm clawing at the walls. I felt guilty afterwards, saying so much without my mom there..like maybe if I stabbed her in the front it would have hurt less, or something. My father at least offered humorous distractions, he makes me smile when my jaw tightens in attempt to hold back tears.

But shay, you can handle this, it's just your mom..goodness, girl..get a grip. She is everything you will never be. She loves you, and believes your destined to be wonderful..so don't be bitter with her, just accept her flaws..like everyone else accepts yours.

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.25.2G • 5:40AM

It's weird, maybe. Have you ever loved someone more than yourself? I mean, really. Loved them..so much that it fills you to your lips and when you speak and the words drift on your voice and land kindly in their lap. They smile, and the fire in your chest ignites and your heart sends off flames, begging with a shy glance for just a little bit of their affection. It is in the way they lock into your soul and drop you back off sweetly at 2AM at the doorstep of dreams that wraps you so warmly in sheets, and sends you to a peaceful sleep..waking up only for them, breathing only between the kisses you share, and touching anything, only when they brush against you. Love, can be embraced. Don't let it slip through your fingers.

Have you ever wished you could crawl out of your skin, just to make a choice? To feel something besides your flesh and your mind running through the blood that trickles into your veins. I hurt. Do you?

When I lost my first best friend, it wasn't all that difficult to replace her. After all, we were in 4th grade, things like that happen. Of course it seemed like the world was ending until two days later another friend took her place. But inside me, even as a little girl, Michelle's place was never filled. And Danielle, just became the next friend I thought I would have to let go of. I learned the whole process of things quickly...but by the time 7th grade rolled around, Danielle and I weren't speaking, and Michelle and I were holding onto anything we could that reminded us of our friendship. I had handfuls of friends at my fingertips and spent hours on the phone..the movies..the boys. I giggled. We were little girls.

We still are.

I talk to Danielle every few weeks, to make sure everything is fine. I miss her..and Michelle, I hear about her from people within the city. It's quaint like that,..or something. You get to know so many people that everyones business blurs, and it becomes distressing to remember when it was your own name on the tip of everyones tongue. Shutter.

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.24.2G • 3:14AM

Excuse me, but who was the idiot who didnt make keyboards waterproof? Didn't they know shay was going to be her ditsy self and drop her keyboard on top of her printer, then have the the glass of water from the top of her desk bounce off the moniter and shatter on the last shelf, logding water, ice and glass between the keys? God, just how obvious was it THAT would happen? Of course when I go to buy a new one my mom and I stand there trying to decide which one meshes best with my computer. My mom looks at me. I look at the keyboards.

Shay's mommy: Don't these things come in different colors? This hospital grey is awfully drab.

And you wonder why I am, the way I am.

Home depot has to be the best place to find a man these days. They are so helpful. Okay, a bit on the dirty side but thats only if you mosey into the like,...wood isle or something. I was in the paint section, and I have to say, having someone agree with whatever you say is just such a pleasant thing.

So, this blue won't be too dark?

No, Ma'am. It will look spectacular, very classy.

Note: Since when do orange wearing-home depot guys say spectacular? Anyways, I was highly amused. And we did end up finding the right blue. Props to Ralph Lauren for making Polo paint, it's the jazz. Not only is this chica now color coordinated, but brand coordinated. Vivaciously color conspired by shay. P.S, john got Val to proclaim her love for the staff of f1nk,..My name is on another chica's stomach with a heart around it, should I be concerned? I think not, I'm feelin' the love.

My mother came across a few boxes full of my baby "stuff". My first pair of sneaks': pink Adidas. Peep game; My mom was hip, All Day I Dream About Shay. (Note: Cyber lovin' to the first victim to write this on them in a webcam shot.) My first pair of ballet shoes, and my first pair of toe shoes. My feet hurt when I look at them, and it makes me envious of the girls I know who kept dancing. It was my fate to quit, though, or I would have never gotten sick.....

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.22.2G • 10:10AM

"OOPS! I think I did it again...I made you believe, we're more than just friends, it might seem like a crush, but that doesn't mean..that I'm serious"

I seem to have the tendency of bringing people close to me, keeping them there for my conveinence, knowing my intention is to never bring them into my world..but to keep them in the background, shining their attention on me..like I was a flower, and they were the sun..keeping me alive. I thrive on attention, since I was 3 years old and walking into my mother and fathers house parties, wiggling and dancing just as happy as could be as long as people were praising me. A child. I have always been this way, and may forever stay this way. A young adult. While it is a task in itself to admit it, those who know me best realize this quality and take note to the details. They choose to love it, loathe it..or admire it from afar. Anyone who could keep themselves balanced with such a characteristic strikes such a strong chord of intrigue it will knock you on your ass.

shay's man: You got all these little boys all over you shay
shay's man: And even though I think you shouldnt
shay's man: I stil dont say shit
shay's man: cuz its cool
shay's man: cuz i know
shay's man: at the end of the day
shay's man: youd rather be mine

That's my boyfriend. I don't know how I should take that,..Yeah well, okay. Look at this flash. because I like it, it's Infamouz. Anyways. Mung was fighting with me at f1nk and it made me sick to my stomach. I started working at the site so it wouldn't turn into that, but of course I seem to stir up trouble wherever I am, and that is why Kem called me a whore when I had mood swings at F3. Of course, wrong choice of wording on his part, but whatever floats the boat for some people, eh? It is all really rather elementary and driving me practically crazy, I wish it would all go away so I didn't have to deal with it..::rubs her temples::

Besides being disturbed by this whole, web related drama..I have a spot open at psistorm.net, and should be there soon, depending on when kert is done with the design and I have swept my content together into a semi-organized pile. I changed pause(I feel like I'm writing like a stranger today, like I'm not on firmiliar terms with the 6 people that read my page or something..whats wrong with me ;/ )Other than that, I'm annoyed..and I'm painting my room blue, except I'm scared the blue I bought is too blue and not dark enough so I'm sketched about putting it on my fucking walls..dammit. Nothing interesting. Oh but, she mentioned me on her page at the beginning of the month and I just noticed last night. And can someone tell me, why the fucking kid on the Real World is so HOT and HAS to be gay? It's a sin, I'm telling you. Like, injustice and stuff. =l

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.21.2G • 1:25AM

I'm suffering. I don't have a doctor to call, and I don't have medication to take. I have writers block, and I am miserable. Feel..my..pain. Hmmph.

"I know I'm not alone in this. I read other writers who suffer the same thing, but I get little comfort from it, because after all, if I'm reading their words, they overcame this affliction long enough to write something. And yet here I am, the world around me getting progressively cleaner while my mind gets more and more cluttered with things I haven't said, things I'm afraid to say, things I'm afraid to say wrong, until, like now, I can hardly find my way through the mounds of words I'm refusing to write."

When I came home today, I realized I didn't want to be here. Not only did I not want to be here, but when I sent my little sister on a plane to Belize yesterday, I was more than envious. And the fact that my father and step-mother were going to be there in two days, didn't exactly comfort me. I'm opting for the 55 miles to the left jump, and the warm breeze of the Bahamas would soothe me so much better than any type of air I'm breathing here in Florida.

I'm moving soon, if I have enough energy to deal with ACTUALLY making a half decent site, instead of just planning and typing about it. Will that day ever come? I guess we'll see. I need to write more, my capability and my ambition aren't one in the same..this is causing some conflict. But..whatever. What..ever,

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.14.2G • 11:56AM

My partner in crime, kert, wrote a lil diddy for his chica. And Me, being the sap for poetic tendencies,..thoroughly enjoyed it. And from what I hear, his girl did too. So it's my duty to share with you boneheads who don't write ya girls poetry. Losers =l Hmmph.(Oh yeah, Baby that doesn't mean you, since we're busy being big ballers and that things of that such nature, it's excusable, ahem. te'hehe.)

FUCK YOU, FUCK HIM. SHE IS THE ONLY ONE I NEED
She is my light to guide the way,
She is my strength like she is my speed.
She is my crack, XTC, and my weed
The moon that reflects the nights sky
The sun that dries the weed to get me high
The one I want to be with til I die

I'm so proud! It's very, Leonardo Dicaprio-ish in the sense his script writers always have him scribbling in notebooks. It's movies like those that kill me. Ugh. Damn get me the fuck out of here, I'm going to the beach.

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.14.2G • 2:05AM

Hot girl.

I would write, but no one would understand where I'm coming from right now. I'd put up a new pause, .and I've already read each of them.. A thousand times, and then once more. I'd babble about my errored personality traits that mingle on my fingertips and how my ambition undermines my progression..the whole song and dance about my self-absorbtion, but gee, isn't that just so cliche of me? Boo Hoo. Shay is whining. Again. Yes, again. Get over it Shana, You fucking brat.

But there's this weird feeling about everything that makes being who I am surreal. Can you live in both worlds? Can you be of thee breed and still have a life? Can you possess both views of reality and have a realization of the truth?..Or are you blind too?..Ignorance is bliss..but say..

I just want to dance.

Because when it's dark, when everything is hidden in shadows and flaws are concealed..things are okay. There's a flow of fresh blood running wild in veins, being nourtured by heavy beats and rhythm crawling up spines. Release is to be stepped into, and that music,..it just wants to hold you, Baby..till everythings' okay.

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.11.2G • 10:58PM

Ah, fine worried souls you are..you didn't really think your dear shay would leave you, now did you? Of course you did. Fools. Anyways. Yes Yes it was under construction and the new lay-out is very well on its way but in the meantime and between time of partying and doing other wonderful extraordinary activities..I figured, "A girl has to write." Well OBVIOUSLY, Don't you know who I am?,...So write I will until everything is settled, and don't you worry your pretty lil head because I will make sure to take all the damn time I need.

Did anyone notice how my girl Laetitia Casta is doing a L'Oreal commercial yet their cheap asses are providing a voice over? Okay um HELLO, don't make it so obvious. It's okay though Lae, the boys still love you and the make-up? Honey it was glam, beautiful as always....(Can I get a round of applause for that splash img or what?)

And would the lovely ladies of America like to explain to me why exactly, that when I arrived at Abercrombie, ordered a few selective items and get the package by next day delivery (Wuzzuhp FedEx ;D)...anyways, when I get the package I'm so kindly informed that the Baby Blue and Navy Blue thongs I have ordered are OUT OF STOCK! ::gasp:: Personally, I'd like to put the blame on Sisqo, but you boys out there aren't helping a great deal either..So ladies..please, make sure you order these panties sparingly, because Shay has got to get her Abercrombie share..are you feelin' me? I knew ya would...Oh yeah, Vicky! Thanks for having my back on those orders, you know whatsup!

And you see..Summer brings tans, parties, alcohol poisoning, and shopping drama. Damn life is hard. No but really, life is hard. People really seemed to be disturbed by my whole, "shay died" comment. Okay so yes I let the suicidal tendencies flow freely, but it's my pessimistic side folks,..anyone who knows me well enough can reassure you I'd never actually take my own life. Now would I crash a car doing 140? More than likely, so drivers out there on the Florida highways, beware ;D

Oh yes and don't let me forget scab before he puntures his kidney or something in a spaz because we don't speak anymore,..I'm sorry. Also, I don't know if I should say these two names even remotely close to each other, but Chad, Hey..it was nice meeting you. To all of the evonetwork, I'm sorry it seems your darling empire is falling. Psi..I wish you would have held evolution x together, people have spoke to me about it and it was a good thing. Now the whole project is broken and everyone in the lil crew is wasting time bickering on seperate sites when we could have handled it all together, isn't shay just SO logical?? But I must admit eh, I'm quite glad that Psi narked on halo ;D yes, I am an evil bitch,. But those were my co-workers dammit..and no chick is supposed to replace me..especially a goth-looking-ish-one like that. (Don't jump on my back, I love everyone equally minus sterotypes but dammit, I was hurt) So anyways..like I was saying,..I feel for you all but am quite pleased that everyone has come to their merry little realizations on the trendy-ish factor of blogging. Okay that was my tid-bit, thank you thank you.

Well I suppose that is it for me, I'm going to gather inspiration accordingly from Paul Oakenfold, a sprinkle of Orbital, a dash of Chino and the boys here and there..with a nice lil side dish of X (the man, NOT the drug) and of course Em..Ah, Statisfying to the whole family.

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.6.2G • 9:10PM

It's the mothafuckin' sh-a-y.

Uh, Just wanted to clarify that. Last night, I painted my toe nails with a color called "Mars Attack" and just to let you all know, it's damn sexy. The color, which is actually a top coat, is like clear purple (does that even exist?) with chunks of silver and purple glitter. My toes are having not only a kodak moment, but a kodak day. I left school and went on a polish hunt for more *vivrant* shades and arrived happily home with six new colors to tickle my painting fetish. Why? Because I'm one sexy bitch. Of course, naturally.

Have I mentioned how these past few days have seemed like eternity? But now there is only two days left and I'm wondering how I'll function on a non-hectic schedule. There are some people who can't function completely unless the situation is semi-chaotic, and I think I might just be one of those people. If things are okay, I turn everything up a notch. It might just be how I operate, or it might be a total glitch in this thing I call a brain. Sick and twisted? Possible. I go from neutral to fifth and there doesn't seem to be much inbetween. Sometimes I'm lucky and find a happy medium, but the people around me just thrive on it. Those are what we call leeches..they nibble on my energy, but whatever floats their boat..as long as they aren't sinking my ship, it's smooth sailing like creamy peanut butter ;D

School is over in less then 48 hours.

I am the party princess, I am the coffee cooler queen, summer 2000 will own your ass.

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.5.2G • 12:57AM

oh yeah and i'm fucking sick of hearing about a perfect circle so all of you fucking idiots shut up already and go buy a rap album.

[no it's not that i really think your idiots, or i dislike apc,..it's just the PMS talking, and yes, it's permanent]

Shay



06.5.2G • 12:57AM

man..I am in a FUCKED up mood. But it's all good. Have I told you lately that i hate girls?. anyways. blah. kert and i are being dumb and after he gets done with his june layout, which like, is done um now..we're gonna fuck around with stuff for my site cause..we're fickle and we can do that kinda shit ;D

dude, finally today it rained. And I slept. It was kick ass..my room got all nice and grey and my house was cold and I melted away in my big fluffy bed. It was amazing. Then I had to wake up and study, what the fuck? I'm so sick of studying, [note: below]..

last night was decent, to say the least. minus the fact i'm going to have a bitch of a cell phone bill, and cops are fucking pigs..all went well. can someone hook me up with that techno girl voice shit? i want that cd, its like global grooves or something rofl i have no idea im just saying. allright, i need to be out, a girl needs to get her beauty sleep and im tired of whining for today, Oh yeah I put a new Pause up, it's Junior's favorite. Love you. I'm outro you idiots,..i'll catch up tomorrow on my bitching. maybe. if your lucky. we'll see. stay tuned.

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.3.2G • 7:54PM

Let me start from the beginning, I guess. See, it's kind of disturbing when you make a page with the intentions of being able to vent and say whatever it is you'd like to say and all of a sudden you find yourself worrying about what people will think when they see it, or what they will say. It's a glitch, a minor issue in the whole "therapy" process of having a personal site. The keyword there would be Personal just incase no one can figure that out. As in, Mine. As in, Shana's. Not yours, Mine. Now that we've cleared that up...

School is really starting to overwhelm me. Starting? Okay, who am I kidding? It's BEEN overwhelming me. I'm basically taking four academics and with this newfound lack of concentration, I doubt I've ever struggle so hard in my life to just be "average"...and I'm not used to like, average. It's not that I have anything against the word average. Just on the whole, the word doesn't seem to mesh well with me.

No one sees themselves the way others do. As the person, we have a tendency to look at the glossed over version and ignore some flaws. Me? I guess you could say I believe the hype. I believe people when they tell me I did something great, and when you are coached into being an honors student and this academic type of person you take pride in that and find confidence in your intelligence. But that feeling is so whimsical because of the way it can come and go. Someone says something, it's gone. You gain something, it's back. I lost my confidence at the end of last term. I've failed tests, I've been stressed at deadline, I've fucked up here and there..where I knew I shouldn't have..Where I could have prevented it. And now, I'm struggling just to get past this weekend and get through exams. This STUPID SHIT has me comparing myself to people like Mary Gribbon. (For those of you who don't know, Mary is like..a genius..and I've known her like, for almost ever. She's quiet, but amazing. Oh and..she scored 1410 on her SATs.) So I sit here, saying to myself.."Weren't you supposed to be smart?" Have I lost something special? I mean, besides my attention span? Because I'm here..I'm fucking here and there is nothing that is making me feel good anymore. I feel like I'm losing my future, like.."She's destined for greatness" doesn't quite apply to me anymore because I have a C in geometry. And how no one can do anything to help me because I feel like I'm shutting the world out and becoming a litle bit more strange to myself.

How..completely..and utterly..pathetic.

Love and kisses.

Shay



06.3.2G • 2:08PM

Okay, technically, some weird shit has been happening. Firstly, Davis is making a fuss over me which is entirely unnecessary but since he's my friend I'm gonna let him go on and rant and rave about his little ephiphany he is having on how he thinks I'm a cutie. Personally, I think we should further investigate on what it is he is smoking and why he is NOT sharing. Now it's all dandy having my friends adore me for various reasons , but techically when it moves to a total stranger striking a fetish for me I might have an issue on this. But, I'll say hi to Champ anyways. Nice site kid. Now secondly, the drama that little Davis has struck up is uh, kinda refreshing. It makes you all tingly all over. Heh. Okay so what if I enjoy web chicks getting based? It's their fault for lacking in substance. Grrr. I hate girls. Blonde ones at that. Ugh, and all of this might just be important except for the minor fact that since F3 went out of business, I've been in a drought of the regular drama..and can say I'm living quite well without it..hence, the conclusion, I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!

ahem. And, so anyways. It's sunny. Again. It isn't that I actually dislike the sun, it's just so "go to the beach" type of weather and I can't very well go to the beach and study at the same time, just like I can't pick up my phone and do my geometry. Do you see the conflict of actions here folks? So I wish it would rain. At least that way I wouldn't feel guilty about climbing in my bed and letting the room melt grey all around me. It'd be nice to forget studying, and stop thinking of my lay out and content for this retarded little blurb I call a site...when in all reality, it's just a retainer for all my whining. And you love it. You really love it.

Love and kisses.

Shay