Craig David's Diary

In the recent hit by Craig David, "Seven Days", he made a break from being "all over your boink" to something far more arduous - the ins-and-outs of a relationship, as it blossomed over the afore-mentioned seven days.

Unlike other songs which refer to each day of the week seperately - for example, "Solomon Bites The Worm" by the Bluetones - Craig David appeared to have done very little over the course of the seven days. I enclose figure A as an example of this.

Figure A.
I met this girl on Monday
Took her for a drink on Tuesday
We were making love by Wednesday
And on Thursday, and Friday, and Saturday
We chilled on a Sunday.

Intrigued, I broke into Craig David's Southampton house and stole his diary, for the truth about what really happened that week...

Monday
Went to town in Southampton with Icey, G-Fo, DJ Flik-Nife and Garry. Someone was already on the 10p Postman Pat ride outside Gateway's. I was gutted. Promised myself I'd wreck that 5 year old's career before it had even begun, by making a sarcastic record about him. Ideas for lyrics...
I walked outside Gateway / Looking for a place to hide away / Little did I know that a short guy / would prevent me makin' love to a laydaaaay...
I think it needs more work. G-Fo pointed out this bird, but she wasn't all that. Garry fancied her though. God, he's such an embarrassment. I then saw this bird outside Debenhams. Maaaan... she made me want to put my hair into nodules to make me look like an orange stuffed with cloves. I walked over. She walked away. I chased her. Eventually, I found out that she'd already been out with DJ Flik-Nife, so I asked him for her number. When I got home I called her up on her mobile, 'cause my mum was out and she won't know about the premium rate call until it's too late. Found out her name is Kali. Sounds a bit like the snake out of the Jungle Book. We're going out for a drink tomorrow at The Barn and Cheese.

Tuesday
Went to town in Southampton with Icey, DJ Flik-Nife and Garry. G-Fo's mum won't let him out because he drew graffiti on her chest of drawers. DJ Flik-Nife said Kali was dirty and that I was dirty for thinking about going out with her. I said DJ Flik-Nife was dirty after going out with her, and that he'd passed that dirt onto Renella, his bird. He said something rude and then went to Dixons. I ain't havin' none of that shit! I went to Argos and picked up a new catalogue. Thinking about getting some new football boots. Went and had my hair cut. Took in an orange stuffed with cloves as a reference point. They got it BANG ON, man. Then... in the evening... went to The Barn and Cheese with Kali. Sung her this song I've been writing about her.
Kali, Kali, Kali / You're sweet like Robinson's Barley / You aren't the snake out of the Jungle Book / 'cause I wouldn't give his booty another sweet look
She was well flattered. Think I might be in there.

Wednesday
Went to Southampton with Icey, G-Fo and Garry. G-Fo's mum found out it was Garry who did the graf, so G-Fo's allowed out again. DJ Flik-Nife was meant to meet us, but according to Icey, he's still well pissed off about me calling Renella dirty. Apparently, Renella's friends with Kali and DJ Flik-Nife is going to get Renella to say something to Kali. I called Kali up straight away. She was a bit funny, but eventually I said 'Do you want to come to the park for a picnic'. She said no, but then I sung my new song to her...
Kali, you know I love you / You know I want to lie right on top of you / How's about coming for a picnic / and then later we can make a lot of love
She ended up coming for a picnic and then we had sex at home. I'm going to write more songs like that. Then my mum got back from work and Kali went home.

Thursday
Went round Kali's house. Wanted to have sex, but Kali said no. I said I'd written another song, but she didn't want to hear it. Apparently Renella said some things about me to her. She said Renella is her best friend. I sang her my new song about friendship...
Having a really good friend / Is like having a bath with a woman / Its comfortable, hot and nice / And if someone else is paying water rates, it's really cheap
Once again, Craig David and his singing style pays dividends, and we ended up having sex again. Her dad came home from work and threatened to kill me. Must write a song about that.

Friday
Had sex again with Kali. The magic's gone.

Saturday
Tried to have sex, but almost couldn't be bothered. Ended up having sex again, but DJ Flik-Nife was right, she is dirty. Plus she's been out with DJ Flik-Nife which kinda says something about her taste. Wrote a song about her...
Once there was a girl / Who I thought I'd like to make love to / But now I have made love to her / It wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be
Decided to dump her. Well annoyed because we were going to go ice-skating tonight and now I have to stay in. Mind you, Total Recall's on the telly.

Sunday
Respect the Sabbath! Me and DJ Flik-Nife made up and went to the park to kick ducks. We met Icey, G-Fo and Garry there. Garry's got a black eye after G-Fo's stepdad hit him with a plank. Garry's a tosser. We pushed him in the duckpond. Wrote a song about Garry...
Garry wants to be a playa / But he's no good / I pushed him in the local duckpond / Man, did it ever feel good
Chilled. Went home.

Check out www.CraigDavid.co.uk... pleeease!

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