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If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor-tile.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ballpeen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Psychic help wanted: you know where to apply.
Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Born again pagan.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
My other car is a piece of shit, too.
I speed up to run over small animals.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
JESUS SAVES.... Passes It To Gretzky..He Shoots..He..Scores!
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
All men are idiots....I married their king.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign!
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery is not a family value
Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
Jail to the Chief
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility
If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.
Save the President: Legalize Perjury
Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let Mom brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
Whether he's real or not, you should believe in the tooth fairy if you like money.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
Twelve is a lot older than eight.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
You can't start over just because you're losing the game.
A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
All libraries smell the same.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
Silence can be an answer.
If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
Don't nod on the phone.
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr.. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
And just how may I fuck you over today?
Allow me to introduce my selves.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
I plead contemporary insanity.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
And which dwarf are you?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
What DID they draw the plans for a drawing board on, if the drawing board hadn't been invented yet?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The trouble with work is - it's so daily.
Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Is this really why e-mail was invented?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use? Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks...just be sure that everything will turn out OK..
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was,"Always".
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question....or is it?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt
her.
Bad Breaker Upper - Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean, but means them.
Home Bed Advantage - The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings.
"It didn't take" - George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism.
The "It's-not-you-it's-me" routine - Breakup method to which George lays claim.
Love - A spice with many tastes, according to Newman.
Make up Sex - The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "conjugal-visit sex".
Master of your Domain - One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the Castle.)
Public Fornicator - A porn actor.
Put in - The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three weeks.
Sexual Camel - Someone who can go great lengths of time without sex.
Sexual Perjury - Faking it.
Shrinkage - Physical reaction men have to cold water.
Slip One Past the Goalie - To impregnate a woman.
Stopping Short - Frank Costanza's technique to cop a feel in the car.
The Switch - Dating a woman, then dating her roommate after the breakup. Has never been done successfully.
The Tap - Sign a woman uses to stop oral sex, sort of like the manager
coming to the mound and asking for the ball.
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because
of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor.
The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your
brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a......) (Too bad they don't enjoy it...)
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
Catfish have over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. (Sure, but they're bottom feeders.)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping more than the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Yuck-k-k-k-k-k-k-k!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey,I'm home.. what the...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I want to be a pig... quality over quantity.) (Too bad they don't enjoy it.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, shit!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish haven't got brains.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx communications)
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
A New York law, makes driving with 10 or more license suspensions a
felony punishable by a 5000 dollar fine and 4 years in jail. (Only
in New York can 10 driving
license suspensions be a felony, and 9 license suspensions are no problem.)
A study published in New Scientist magazine has confirmed what common sense would dictate -- when porcupines mate, they do it very carefully.
Tom Kroon won't have to worry about finding parking space near his house
in Grand Rapids, Mich. Kroon, 64, refused to be evicted from the
only home he has ever known, so city officials will build a public parking
lot around it.
Virginia Beach, Va., bank tellers handed over the loot when a robber
demanded cash. They also slipped in an explosive dye pack that burns
at about 400 degrees. The crook stuffed the loot down the front of
his
pants and was out the door before he realized something was wrong.
A Milwaukee man was robbed at gunpoint on a golf course and was glad all the thieves took was his cash. "I was really afraid they were going to steal my golf clubs," he said. He played the course again the next day.
An Australian prisoner who wrote a "happy anniversary card" for Port Arthur mass-murderer Martin Bryant was acquitted of using the postal service to send offensive material.
A Brazilian woman faces up to 15 years in jail for kidnapping the mother of a self-described real-estate agent who allegedly swindled her in a deal.
A motorist led officers on a freeway chase until his sport-utility vehicle
apparently ran out of gas, but the pursuit didn't end there. The man jumped
out of the vehicle and began pushing it. California Highway
Patrol officers waited until he tired and then arrested him.
A Warren, R.I., man found what he thought was a novelty cigarette lighter
in the shape of a miniature handgun. When he pulled the trigger to
produce a flame, the "lighter" fired a .22-caliber bullet. No one was
hurt.
A Columbus, Ohio, woman who mowed her lawn topless was convicted of disorderly conduct and fined $40. The judge said it was because she had been drinking.
Connecticut lottery devotees did a double take when the same winning numbers, 8-2-8, were drawn two days in a row.
Northbridge, Mass., police caught a former doughnut-shop employee who robbed the place after he left a trail of coins leading to his apartment.
Hudson the dog, who lives in London, saved the life of his arch-rival, Zoe the cat, by barking until their owner rescued Zoe from a spinning clothes dryer.
A rubber cow-pie prop from "The Beverly Hillbillies" was auctioned off recently by Universal Studios as part of an on-line charity fund-raiser.
Fishermen in Russia's Far East have been buying up Chinese-made Barbie dolls and using their golden hair as bait.
A New York parolee turned the tables on his parole officer and had him arrested for soliciting a $10,000 bribe.
A lawmaker seeking re-election to the Danish Parliament has said the country's 11 million pigs should be given toys to play with.
An Australian cricket player, desperate for some plain food after two weeks in India, called home for an emergency shipment of canned baked beans and spaghetti.
A Newport News, Va., man was sentenced to five months in jail on five counts of being a Peeping Tom after his lip prints matched ones left on a window.
A Saegertown, Pa., man who said he was tired of looking at two telephone service boxes at the edge of his property ripped them up with a tractor, state police said. He could not be reached for comment. His phone is no longer in service.
Angry at the quality of their dinner after a grueling day on duty, about 200 Sri Lankan policemen fired shots into the air and set fire to their food.
Victoria, B.C., authorities have taken a newborn baby from its mother because of a health threat at home -- overexposure to detergent.
Hong Kong's Buddhist clergy have warned the faithful that phony monks who have wives and smoke cigarettes are preying on the faithful at funerals.
Creve Coeur, Ill., police say Jim Roy should pay a $50 fine for leaving litter in yards around town. His offense? Delivering newspapers.
American homeowners are heading into Canada to sneak around U.S. regulations
and pick up high-capacity toilets. The toilets are available duty-free
in Canada because of the North American Free Trade
Agreement.
A bridegroom in Hapur, India, was so drunk just before his wedding that his wife-to-be called the police and then promptly married someone else, an Indian newspaper reported.
When Mary Lou Conton lost 300 pounds following stomach-reduction surgery,
doctors at the New England Medical Center wanted to take her picture for
a promotional brochure touting their weight-loss program.
She was thrilled -- until a doctor stuck a rubber pig nose on her face
and laughed while a photographer snapped away. Now she's suing.
Turns out a suspicious plant growing in a crack in the steps outside New Orleans' criminal court was indeed just a weed. The crime lab report: "One dried plant with green leaves ... NEGATIVE for violation drugs."
Two Rottweilers that were recently defended by Johnnie Cochran against a barking complaint may need the whole "Dream Team" to get out of their latest mess. Sheeba and Sampson, owned by the mother of basketball star Ray Allen, was accused of attacking and perhaps killing a neighbor's cat in West Hanford, Conn.
Viagra sauce has been dropped from a restaurant menu in eastern France
after a visit from government inspectors. Chef Jean-Louis Galland
had been serving beef piccata in Viagra sauce. "I wanted to make
my
customers happy, particularly grandpas and their wives," he said.
... Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
... You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
... The little league puts you on waivers.
... Your suggestion box starts ticking.
... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
... You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
... You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
... They pay your wages out of petty cash.
... The moths in your money belt starve to death.
... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
... You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
... Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
... Your wife starts charging you rent.
... A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
... You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
... Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
... There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
... You find out the correct spelling is ARK, ... after you pay the sign painter.
... The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
... The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
... A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
You read this entire list and understood it.
You Know You're Over The Hill When...
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You keep repeating yourself.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
Someone compliments you on your layered look... ...and you're wearing a bikini.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame .
Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.
You keep repeating yourself.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You keep repeating yourself.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... ...come back in style.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
You keep repeating yourself.
You find this list tasteless and insensitive.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You keep repeating yourself.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
You got cable for the Weather Channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You keep repeating yourself.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You keep repeating yourself.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
You keep repeating yourself.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their former teachers.
You keep repeating yourself.
People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your estate
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas... could I meet you between the holidays?
You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Paintings Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
War Dims Hopes for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Man Struck By Lighting Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritous Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
nswer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
Never give her a straight answer.
Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments.(Argh! Argh! Argh!)
Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan Searching for kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
D&C Where Washington is
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Genital Non-Jewish person
GI Series World Series of military baseball
Hangnail What you hang your coat on
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pap Smear A fatherhood test
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Damn near killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor More than one
Urine Opposite of you're out
Varicose Near by/ close by
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fries, and a diet coke...
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..
do we park in the handicapped space and then walk the length of the mall...
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My ShirtBears No Message at This Time"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"
"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" -- seen on Cape Cod
"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1943"
"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
"60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts, Make Offer"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher"
"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"Waiting for the Perfect Man" (Printed across a drawing of a skeleton).
"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape"
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15"
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I
have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's
experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more
time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot
to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just
kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer
space?)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts. (Really???)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (I'm glad they cleared
that up...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's
right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.
19. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.
18. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.
17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.
16. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.
15. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances.
14. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.
13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!
12. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show".
11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.
10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.
9. Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
8. Big step up from Bakersfield.
7. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.
6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).
5. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.
4. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!
3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the mpaler, and Hitler.
2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee.
1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts.