Life is like a box of chocolates....and I'm a diabetic.
Don't let life get you down...no one makes it out alive anyway.
Are you still trying?
You're not good enough.
Forget the story about the little choo-choo that could. You can't.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
What difference does anything matter. In 50 years we'll all be dead.
If there was a contest for losers, you'd come in second...
9 out of 10 adults agree that 1 out of 10 are wrong. Knowing you, you are the one.
You'll never amount to anything. Don't even bother killing yourself. You'll survive.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
You can't change your miserable life, but you can make others join you.
Your soulmate is married with 3 kids.
No matter what you choose... it will always be the other one.
If you take life too seriously you won't get to laugh along with everybody else when you fail.
Sure, you may think you're smart, but we know the truth.
If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
Today is the tomorrow that you couldn't give a shit about yesterday.
It's always nice to hear mom telling the story of your birth, starting with 'oops'
Be dishonest with yourself! The possibilities are endless!
In dog years, you'd be dead.
You will never amount to anything.
When they tell you not to play with guns, that didn't mean you.
Management Motto: Punish the worthy, reward the incompetent!
You're not smart enough.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed.
Time is against you.
Give up.
If all else fails, destroy all evidence of trying.
Yes you DO look fat in those jeans.
I did not climb up the food chain to become a vegetarian.
Optimism - The belief that things aren't as bad as we know they are.
If you think it can't be done....... you know yourself pretty well huh?
They're not laughing with you, they're laughing at you.
Hardwork pays off later. Laziness pays off now.
Think about giving it your all today, then think again.
Tell me,does stupid hurt...?
The first step to failure is trying.
The only time you win, is when you lose. Loser.
Can't you even fail right?
Housework is so wonderfully patient that it waits for you no matter HOW long you put if off.
Some people are alive simply because it's against the law to kill them.
Remember - things are never so bad that they can't get worse.
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Sorry, were you saying something?
The best things in life are free, but so are the worst. Guess what you'll be getting.
Forget a fountain of youth, how about a fountain of smart.
You will never reach your goals.
You have reached the peak of your life. Willing to jump?
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 
You have nothing to be proud of.
Failure is your future.
I'm not paranoid - It's just a government conspiracy to make me LOOK paranoid.
Kill yourself. If we really DID care about you, we'd tell you not to.
With friends like you, who needs enemas.
People should duel at twenty paces with atomic bombs more often, especially in the inbred states.
Fools fall in love only to reproduce and outnumber us.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
At first if you dont succeed.... Give Up.
They only invited you because they knew you wouldn't come.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Stop breathing; that oxygen could be used for something more important than you.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
Nothing fails like a prayer.
Every living being on Earth has the same terminal (100% fatal) disease. It's name, Birth.
You have the power to make a change. Just stick a dime in a light socket. 
If all else fails, lower your standards.
Somebody pissed in your gene pool didn't they?
You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. So why bother?