dec 20, 2002

You say my love is falty
Like a flickering candle
It will soon blow out.
But what you see
Is not more than a spark
Of the fire that burns within me
The flames burn brighter than starlight
And my thoughts do not cool my heart.
My soul that is bound to it
Is clearer than the diamonds
That hang around your neck
And every bit of light
That shines from me
Is reflected in your eyes.

*************************
sept 22, 2002

i need to hold my hand
over this candle
til i can't take anymore
i pull it away and look at the flame
and watch it flicker and sway
such a seemingly harmless source of energy

what do i do when i can't see what i want
my decision to be indecisive
and waiting til i'm blind before i look
searching in the dark for what i don't know
never heard its name
and never seen its face
in a language i can't comprehend
i read the stars
and see what they say
and it becomes suddenly obvious to me
that i shall forever be searching
for what i want most
and i hope your ok
that its you

*********************

september 4, 2002

I fall into a slumber
Backwards floating through the air
Hope you catch me
Because I can't reach the edge
This love has got me
Spinning circles in my head
Nights spent shaking in my bed
Don't know what to think
But your warm touch melts
The ice in my soul
Deep down to my bones
And I cease to shudder
As these warm waves
From the radio playing
Come washing over me
In an ocean of happiness
And I wonder...
If you could stand in my shoes
And feel like I do.

*************************

may 28, 2002

The light from the lamp layed across your face
And the look in your eyes 
That can make everything fall out of place
Makes me wonder if I'm really here

Lightning flashes and thunder crashes
Never seem to block this feeling building in me
It makes my walls crumble
As you descend from above me

You turned your back on me
And you won't let me see
What it means to be you

Hide yourself away
Build up all I try to tear away
To try to make you see
Just how much I care

--------------

If you asked me to stay the night,
I would, Just to hold you in my arms,
And feel your heart beat.
In rhythym to the beat in my own heart.
Even if I didn't close my eyes.
I wouldn't want to.
There is nothing in my dreams, that could possibly make me as happy than to just see you next to me tonight.

******************************

may 3, 2002

#1
Sitting on the sand
With you by my side
I stare into the sky
And wish I could fly
I want you with me
In the air
To see all those other people
That we can leave behind
I look up at the stars
I want to bring them to you
So you could see what I see
When I look into your eyes
The slight twinkle
Of a thousand degrees
Time stops and I see 
Your face in the sky
That light in your eye
The stars hold it in
And shine it only when your with me


#2
I stare at the stars
Filling myself with what I want
I feel you next to me
Breathing deep and holding close
Looking at them in wonder
I reach for them
Wanting to have them with me
Wishing I could do more
You tug at my arm
And I glance at your face
And that light catches my eye
I see it only for an instant
But I know that all I ever wanted
Is right inside of you



*******************

april 21, 2002

why do i miss you so much
when i only just left you
it was not long ago
and i was with you
and i missed you then

staring out the window
into the light of the moon
getting lost in a ghost train of thoughts
they go and i dont' care
never to return again

so leave me now
but don't walk away
i dont' want to see you walk away 

**********************************

april 20, 2002

the stars in your eyes
and i don't know what im seeing
when all i see is you
and that white fire
burning brighter

--------------------

casting wayward glances
shadows depart
and seeing it in your eyes
it keeps me on my own two feet
but i always end up crawling
under myself
when all i wanted
was to see the moon
from a different point of view
and so searching for the flame
i find it hidden within me
i should have known
all this time
right in front of me
i see it again
and now i know why you looked away
even if i couldn't see it then







********************************

april 10th, 2002

I layed awake
Watching you sleep
The crescent moon floated
Through the deep purple night sky
It shone a pale light onto your face
Which for a brief moment caused me to turn away
The light danced across your hair
And glistened brighter than the stars
I looked at your soft lips
And listened to you breathe.
I watched the gently rolling waves
Move across the blankets
And I tried to breathe with you
You hide inside your eyes
And I tried to see you dreaming
I gazed at your gently closed eyes
And kissed your tender lips
And you did not stir

(("Eyelids wrestle once again...waiting for the light of day"))

Now I lay awake
And the sun shines through the window
Your face reflects the golden light
And it could be yours
I can feel you breathe
And I kiss you
Your eyelids flutter and your lips curl
The daylight burns your sleepy eyes
As an act of jealousy from the sun
A pale yellow light fills the room
Your warm touch
Leaves me wanting more
You press your lips against me
And I hold you close
All I can see is
Heaven is all around me
It fills my eyes and my ears


*************************************************
SCARED AND CONFUSED - july-11-2001--10-05pm

Hey girl, would ya take a chance on me
I can give you all that you want
I can give you the love you need
If you don't believe me just wait and see
Hey girl, take a chance on me

I'll listen to your words
And I'll make your hurt go away
All those years of pain
I'll make them go away

I know we'd be good together
And you know this deep down inside
With the love we have for each other
We'd make good of these lives

I know your scared and I know your confused
But take this ghost of a chance
For a better romance
And you'll see your all I've ever wanted

You think you still love him
But how can you see
With all those tears in your eyes
But it's been too long to let it go

Step away from the wires
That hold you down and hold you back
And take this chance on this lonely one
And you'll see I'm all you've ever wanted




THESE THINGS - july-15-2001--10-54pm

Go out with your friends
Because tonight I want to be alone
You can laugh it up and have a good time
And I'll sit in the dark and be alone

I'll be by myself once again
Lonliness surrounds me and you dont' care
Why do I care about you anyway?
I'm stuck here listening to this song
As I've done so many times before

I want to be swollowed up
By this thing called life
Swollow me up and spit me out
Like you've done so many times before

I'm not really mad, only confused
As to why you do these things to me
I get these feelings deep inside of me
And I love you more everyday

Someday I'll be over and gone I guess
If nothing changes and stays the same
I'll be gone with nothing to say
And nothing to show but a broken heart

I'll always love you
no matter what you do to me
And thats the tragedy of this story

I'll play this game called life
But I'm sure I'm gonna lose
I'm so far behind
And I can't catch up

Why do you do these things to me?
Why do I love you the way I do?
After a year and 5 months I thought it'd be over
How much longer can I wait?





LIES - july-3-2001-11-50-am

We could be friends,
As long as you don't find out,
That I'm not really happy.
I've always wanted you to know,
And now it's over and gone,
Before it even got started.

Your still with him,
arguing and fighting.
Avoiding and all of those childish things.
So why did I wait?
Fucking waste of time.
It was pointless and useless.
I've wasted so many days and thoughts,
Waiting for you.

How could you do this?
How could you lie to me?
Why string me along, then cut the rope.
that was attatched to my wrists and ankles,
Is now around my neck.

You will stay in your world, and I will move on.
I will try to be friends,
But I dont' know how long I'll last.
How long 'til those feelings come out again.
How long will you last?
How long could you last?
With him?  Without me?
With those thoughts, and dreams...
Or were those just lies?




MY WORLD - Mar23--2001--12-39am

When I think I won't last the day,
And everything seems out of place,
You call and make it alright.
Your big brown eyes,
Filled with wonder,
But backed with guilt.
And your dark hair,
It is almost hypnotizing.
But it could never happen,
And it seems so right.
But I was too late.

Now I have to sit at the end.
While you laugh, with him at your side.
And every moment I want you,
Is a moment lost.
And every moment I love you,
Is a moment shot.
For every moment I see you,
Brings me closer to the King.

I watch you with him,
wonder if what you say is true.
He went back to your place last night.
I know you lied once again.
There were times when I dreamt about you, 
Used to think I was in love with you.
Now I sit here alone in the dark,
Waiting for that call that never will never come.

Today I called you up,
and you put me on hold,
so I wait by the phone.
You let me down again.
I'm all alone again.
You never seemed to notice,
so now I look out the window,
at the world gone away.

Your intentions aren't cruel,
so forgive me,
It wasn't meant to be your fault.
But as my life goes, day by day,
I never stopped to think.
Noboby wants to be alone,
and I never wanted to lose somebody like you.
But look where we're at.
I hate to think what will happen after,
makes me loose my nerve.
They won't know 'til its too late,
But will they care,
Will you please forgive me?
And sometimes I wish they'd just fuck off,
I need some time to think,
To sit and wonder what would happen.

As for now, I play it off.
And pretend every day,
Is the best day of my life.
Don't let you into my world, 
Don't let you into my mind.
Because its a dark world I live in,
All by myself with no one else.




Unnamed
The candlight flickers and fades
As the sun comes up.
I watch my life in the stars
Fade into the sky.
Written like a book
for everyone to read.
Bound by words I cannot say
I watch as my stars fade.

I walk into the early morning mist
Through the fog cradled earth.
That gleam in your eye
That shoots me like an arrow
Could cut these words like a razor.

A rush of life through my veins
As the hunter becomes the pray.
Your eyes send subtle signs
Of life without rejection.
You spin around carelessly
Falling down and rising from the flames
Digging a hole into the sky.
And as you reach for my stars,
I watch them flicker and fade.


Unnamed
the sand in my shoe
the look in your eyes
it reminds of the good times
when we used to have fun
when you used to love me.

i sit here now, cold to the bone
watching as you tear away my world
you tear down my walls
i wonder how it ever got this way
how it ever got this bad
why i ever let it happen
how could i be so wrong?
how could i be so dumb?
i was stupid to trust you
stupid to trust anyone
and i'll never make that mistake again.

why do i get chills when its warm outside
i see you and i feel the world crumble down around me
knowing what i know, and seeing what i've seen
it can't be this way for too much longer
or i may just collapse.

filters of black letting in what they once didn't
seeing things i've never seen
and wishing i didn't have to
i watch as you drift away
downstream through the rapids
you are oblivious to whats ahead
you think the falls look beautiful this time of year
but those standing on shore can see that they're inevitable
we tried to save you, but you've drifted too far.
now i must stand on the side and watch you float away
into the morning mist.

as the sun comes up and i run for cover.
can't let you see me when im not covered.
the rope has snapped, and it hurts.
the pain is too much for me to take.
too much to handle.
and i wonder why i feel this way.
why i scream for you...hoping you dont' hear me
and hoping i remain unseen.


Black Paper

Black and blue strokes,
On paper once turned black,
The paper absorbing your tears,
Making the ink run,
And drip down to the floor,
In shreds of black paper,
Seeping through the cracks,
In that old house.
I watch you when you leave,
Crying as your chest heaves,
And I wonder why you just don't go.
Leave this place behind,
And don't look back.
Never reflect on all this,
Or what may remind you of it.
Memories of the good times,
Seemed so long ago.
I hardly ever see you smile anymore.
I'd like to see it just once more.
I tried to make you believe,
And I asked you to leave.
But you were so young,
And we were so naive.
Nothing I can do now,
I have become too weak.
Black and blue strokes on you,
And the paper once black turns to red.