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(The lights go completely out. Static blazes across the P.A. There seem to be many explosions coming from the rafters, but there is no smoke or fire.)
Announcer: What in the Hell is going on here?
(Suddenly, lasers begin to dance around the arena. The opening chords of the song "Viva Las Vegas" as sung by ZZ Top begins to play, and post-card size pieces of paper begin to float from the cieiling. They all have the word Vegas in intricate detailed letters on them. The word "Vegas" is being shined on the mat, and there are pictures of money signs on the aisle leading to the ring. There is a huge explosion from all four turnbuckles of the ring, and back at the entryway, flames shoot up about 20 feet towards the cieling. The lights shine on, and the former nIo and UCW champion Johnny Vegas parts the curtain to many cheers and boos. He stops and raises his fist in the air and reveals his trademark "star" tattoo. He is wearing a T-Shirt that says "The Premiere Piece of Talent in the TICWF" in red on the front, and "Johnny Vegas" on the back in blue. He marches down to the ring and demands a mic. He speaks...)
"ALL RIGHT AMERICA!" And more specifically, the TICWF! I want everyone to open their eyes and shut their mouths, and look at...THE...premiere piece of talent here in the TICWF! Yeah, that's right, I'm already the premiere piece of talent around here, even though I haven't even had a match yet! I've been watchin' the boys cuttin' promos, ridin' their bikes as kids get beat up in the background, people talkin' bout chewin gum but bein' all outta gum or some screwy crap like that...I tell ya, Johnny Vegas is here for one thing: To kick some ass. I ain't here to chew no damn GUM, I ain't even here to take names, I'm only here to lay a king-size ass-whoopin' on the boys in the back. Listen, I'm not a cliche-spittin' funny boy, I am all about one thing--WINNING. I ain't got no respect for anybody, not even the fans, so I don't give a damn whether you cheer me or not...but let it be known that I AM going to be a CHAMPION here soon, so it would suit you to be on my side.
"Now, I have had championships in other federations--FIVE championships, to be exact--but I know that don't mean squat in a new fed. And since I realize that, I don't want none a' ya boys in the back to come prancin' down here braggin' 'bout what you had in the past. It don't carry no weight around here. But I'll tell ya one thing that DOES carry weight around here...TICWF championship gold. Now, I've made it real clear that I'm not gonna stop at anything to get this gold, but I haven't told you how I'm going to get it. I understand that there's a big card going down on Wednesday, and since I got here a little late, I'm not in the runnin' for any big titles right now. BUT--I lay down an open challenge to any little jackass in the back who's gettin' hot over what I'm sayin' and wants a piece of me. So COME ON! Johnny V will be more than happy to take you on, but I have one stipulation.
This match will be..A..Las Vegas Strap Match!!! Me and one of da boys in the back will be tied together by a 10 ft. long leather strap--Don't worry, you cheap penny-pinchin' asses, I already bought one--and the first person to touch all four turnbuckles...in succession...will be declared the winner! What, that sounds too easy? Don't forget, it's Johnny Vegas you're gonna be in the ring with, and also remember that I have NEVER been cleanly defeated in any federation in HISTORY--check my stats--and it isn't possible to bring--me--down. So chew on that for a while, and get back to me, boys. Oh, and uh...I don't expect any of you to think as me as your "newfound hero..." 'cuz that's a mistake only rookies make.
Johnny flips the mic to the ring announcer as "Viva Las Vegas" fires up. Johnny casually leaves the ring and confidently struts to the back to find some of his groupies. Fade to commercial.
Vegas: Hey, you gotta look good when ya gamble.
He continues walking into the casino, where the camera tries to catch up with him. The young cameraman eventually gets stopped by security, and he is heard, nationwide, trying to explain his way out of this mess. Johnny's voice is heard.
Vegas: Hey, he's with me. I'll take care of it.Security thug: I...I'm sorry, Mr. Vegas, I didn't--Vegas: Don't worry. Here's something for your troubles...now you, camera guy, let's step outside before you get in any more trouble... Alright, so what's up, why are you here?
Johnny Vegas is seen in the MGM grand just moments after after the interview with the UWF cameraman. He heads over to the blackjack table.
Johnny: All right, Blackjack! The true sport of kings!
He recieves his cards.
Johnny: Better hit me, my man. Johnny recieves his third card. The dealer's face-up card is a 10. Johnny asks for another card.
Dealer: Dealer has 20. I'm sorry, Mr. Veg--
Johnny: Whoa, nellie, don't speak so soon...Johnny lays his four cards across the table to reveal a King, a three, a seven, and an Ace.
Johnny: Twenty-one, my good man. Ahem...my payoff, por favor?
The dealer smiles annoyingly at Johnny and gives him his payoff. Johnny happens to glance at one of the large overhead TV screens around the casino. He sees...himself?! In a casino? What the hell? Johnny quickly walks to the screen and hears a shadowy character saying that Johnny's a kind-hearted T.V. quality champion who's going to get squashed like a bug. Angrily, Johnny bolts out of the casino to try to stop the cameraman who interviewed him earlier.
Johnny: HEY! UWF guy! Get outta that damn car! Where is he?Cameraman: What? Who?
Johnny: You know damn well! That guy that was talking while you were filming me!Cameraman: What?! The only time I filmed you was when you were talking to me a little while ago! Why, what's goin' on?
Johnny: Turn on your camera.Cameraman: But--
Johnny: Turn on your DAMN camera, kid! The young cameraman grabs the camera from the backseat and turns it on to Johnny.
Johnny: Film this, kid. Alright, whoever the HELL that was who was watchin' me in that casino, I demand that you attach some balls between your legs and tell me what you said to my face! But hell, a shadowy character like you would probably only attack me when my back was turned, anyway! Hey, pal, I got something to say to you. I may be calm, cool, and collected outside the ring, but that doesn't mean that I'm a "kind-heared" individual. I'm not a cold-hearted bastard either--except when I'm in the ring. So maybe you'd better put your money where your mouth is. If you think I'm so damn kind-hearted and easy to squash, lace up the boots and meet me in the ring. If I still haven't fought you by the time this World Title tournament is finished, we're gonna get it on. And I'm gonna show you that I am THE--premiere piece of talent in the UWF. You've ruined my night, you son of a bitch. I'm gonna go get drunk somewhere. Turn the camera off, kid.The cameraman does so.
Cameraman: Where are you going?
Johnny: Home. I'd rather get drunk at my own house than with a bunch of piss-breath assholes in a bar somewhere. Cameraman: Hey, I'm sorry 'bout that shadowy character you were talking about.
Johnny: Sure, kid. You ever see that son of a bitch runnin' me down like that again, you come tell me.Cameraman: Um, actually, I got word from some other members of the camera team two guys named Vampire and Raver have been talkin' trash about you.
Johnny: WHAT? Shit, what the hell were those bastards saying now? The cameraman goes on to tell Johnny about Vamire's blood-spitting antics and his challenge to a first-blood match, and about Raver, and everything he said about Johnny.
Johnny: F**k. Turn that damn camera on again. Get this. The young cameraman does what he's told. Johnny: Vampire, so you want to challenge me to a first blood match? Who the hell do you think you are? The only reason I'm even going to ACCEPT this match is because if I don't, your blood-spittin' ass is gonna come down, like a damn coward, and attack me while my back is turned during a very, very important match. You know, I bet it was you who was in the shadows a while ago. Because just as I said, the guy in the shadows is just the kind of guy who would do something like that. So Vampire, consider your challenge accepted. Oh, and bring your little skanky Vampiris down to the ring with you, I have a feeling that she'd like a little...sample...of what a real man can give her, instead of some weirdo who spits blood everywhere. You really should get yourself checked up, 'cuz I don't think that spitting up blood wherever you go is considered being healthy...Plus, what's up with you always spitting it up on cameramen and kicking their asses? Are you some kind of desperate, cowardly freak? I could snap this little twig of a cameraman in two if I wanted And on to the next piece of trash that wants a piece of me. Raver! Where did you come from? I thought you were some kind of phantom wrestler, I'd never heard of you! But I did think that you were a scumbucket the first time I ever heard your name. And you know what? I was right. Ravers are all around me, huh? I ain't that good in bed, huh? Hmm, there were a few skanky pieces of meat who weren't nothin' but crap in bed, and I did seem to remember something about them saying that they were ravers...I think it's ravers that aren't good in bed, bucko. So, all I've got going for me is my money, huh? Maybe you just have never done your homework on me. I'm a champion. I have been a champion five times. I have skills. I have a family who I care about, a best friend who always backs me up. I have a college education from an outstanding school, and a great high school amateur wrestling record. I have everything going for me. The money is nice, but I don't need it to survive. Now, you, all you've got is your parties. Parties and skanky ho's. Plus, you've got parents who don't love you. Raver, I think you should be asking yourself all the questions you intended to ask me. I take a look in the mirror every day, and I think to myself, "Damn. I am one lucky guy. I have family and friends who care about me, and I love my job." Then, I realize that I am in a huge mansion that is all my own, with a Corvette and a Porsche Boxter, and that makes me even happier. But Raver, my family and well-being came first there, didn't it? Right now, I'm beginning to start a big interview with a friend of mine, Tony Hendrix, and it will unmask Johnny Vegas. It's going to air on the night of Friday Night Fury, so look for it. It will show you just how lucky and happy I really am. I'm not a lost soul, and I only gamble because it's fun and I have the money to. I have my feet planted firmly in the ground, but come Friday Night Fury, I'm gonna have it planted straight up your ass en route to the UWF World Title. That's it for now, Vampire and Raver, smoke on that for a while. I think you two will finally realize that you aren't dealing with an unhappy hippie who can't wrestle and loves money. I am a MAN. One hell of a man. And I'm gonna destroy both of you.
Johnny: Yeah it was, kid. Thanks for being here. You know, I'm not gonna get drunk tonight. I'm gonna call Highrider and go out to dinner with him and my parents. That speech was pretty damn inspirational! All right, kid, I'll see ya round.
The cameraman loads the camera into the backseat of his '92 Honda Accord as Johnny climbs into the back of his limo. Johnny hated to leave the casino after only staying for a few minutes, but he just wasn't in the mood to gamble. Vamire, Raver, and whoever that was in the shadows aren't gonna be happy, 'cuz the last thing you wanna do to Johnny Vegas is piss him off while he's gambling...
Scene fades in at a promotional autograph session at a Virgin Record store in a mall in Las Vegas. Johnny Vegas and his best friend and manager Highrider are sitting at a booth where a line extends out the door, around the corner, and finally ends a huge distance from the record store entrance. Johnny and Highrider sit next to a stack of 8x10 glossy photos which are sold and autographed for a fee of $20 each.
Johnny: You know, I hate making the kids pay for these things. It feels like such a rip.Kid: Hey, I'll let you autograph mine for free!
Johnny: Sorry, but company policy. 20 bucks, kid. The kid shells out the money.
Highrider: You think you don't like it? You're outnumbering me 10 to 1 here. Hardly any of these kids wanna spend $40, one on you and one on me, and even fewer wanna just spend $20 on me.Johnny: Aaaaw. Here you go.Johnny scribbles his signature on a Highrider picture and hands it to him.
Highrider: Wow, a Highrider picture signed by Johnny Vegas. Wait a minute...HEY, EVERYBODY! A very rare Highrider picture signed by Johnny Vegas! One-time only deal, 25 bucks! Get the best of both worlds!A few fans are hesitant to cash in on the offer until one older fan slaps 25 bucks on the table and takes the picture. Highrider pockets the cash.
Highrider: Wow, I can't believe that worked.--....that guy was really dressed up similar to that kook who beat up the UWF cameraman last night at that diner.Johnny: (Still signing autographs all the while...) Oh, geez, don't remind me. That freakin' bastard. I bet he's not even in the UWF. I swear if I ever catch him, I'm gonna slap the Jackpot in his ass. Right into some concrete. That'll show him.Highrider: Guess the cameraman heard every word. The guy thought you were weak for eating out with me and your parents.Johnny: Weak? Where does that ass get off, weak? The last time I checked, The Rock didn't lose any muscle, strength, or skills the last time he took his parents out to dinner. I mean, where does that come from? And beating up a cameraman? Didn't I just get through telling that Vampire guy that only cowards beat up cameramen?Highrider: It's true! It's true!Johnny: Damn right, Kurt. I mean, Highrider. One lucky fan finally slaps an 8x10 of Highrider on the booth in front of him.
Highrider: Yesss! What's your name, kid?Kid #2: Tommy!
(Highrigher mumbles what he's writing) To Tommy....who has the same...real name...as I do....best of luck, Highrider, a.k.a...Tommy. There ya go, kid.Johnny: Damn, dude, you don't have to write a message that takes up the whole 8x10.Highrider: Come on. Am I going anywhere? Am I going anywhere?!...Hey, what about that match you have with Raver on Friday? Is he gonna kick your ass? Johnny: Of course not, dude! He's a Raver! Come on!Kid #3: Hey, I'm a Raver!
Johnny: Ok, kid, for you to get this picture, that'll be an extra 10 dollars for confessed ravers.Kid #3: Aw, man, I never shoulda opened my mouth...
He shells out the money.
Johnny: I mean, I've beaten bigger and badder guys than him. Remember? I beat Killian Harris in the UCW. He was a tough son of a gun. First championship I ever won. But Raver? He's a wannabe-Vegas.Highrider: Come on, Johnny, who would ever wanna be like you? (He chuckles.)Johnny: Oh, psh, real funny, big man. No, really, he even said that we "weren't all that different" or something...Come on. At least my parents like me. I am SO going to kick his ass on Friday. Highrider: Dude, you are SO MONEY! Money, baby!Johnny: What the hell?...Hey, have you realized we're like, the only guys in the UWF that like to have fun? Be normal people, and not spit up blood, beat cameramen, and pretend to be monsters? Oh, wait, I guess that liking to have fun would make us "weak" in the eyes of that one freak...Highrider: Yeah, really. Hey, we've been here for our two hours, wanna pack it up?Johnny: All right. ... OKAY, LISTEN UP, EVERYONE, Highrider and I have got to hit the road. We're real sorry, but we still love ya (wink) and don't forget to witness people getting asskicked by me on Friday Fury!Security helps Johnny and Highrider through the mass of fans and out to Highrider's lifted 2000 Chevy pickup.
Johnny: Now THIS...This is a real "Highrider."
They climb in, and "Viva Las Vegas" as sung by ZZ Top blasts over the radio. Johnny and Highrider fade into the distance...then come back.
Johnny: Shit, I don't believe this. Johnny grabs his bandana from the ground, which had somehow fallen off when he got in the truck.
Johnny: Okay, now let's fade into the distance.They do just that.
Scene fades in at a promotional autograph session at a Virgin Record store in a mall in Las Vegas. Johnny Vegas and his best friend and manager Highrider are sitting at a booth where a line extends out the door, around the corner, and finally ends a huge distance from the record store entrance. Johnny and Highrider sit next to a stack of 8x10 glossy photos which are sold and autographed for a fee of $20 each.
Johnny: You know, I hate making the kids pay for these things. It feels like such a rip.Kid: Hey, I'll let you autograph mine for free!
Johnny: Sorry, but company policy. 20 bucks, kid. The kid shells out the money.
Highrider: You think you don't like it? You're outnumbering me 10 to 1 here. Hardly any of these kids wanna spend $40, one on you and one on me, and even fewer wanna just spend $20 on me.Johnny: Aaaaw. Here you go.Johnny scribbles his signature on a Highrider picture and hands it to him.
Highrider: Wow, a Highrider picture signed by Johnny Vegas. Wait a minute...HEY, EVERYBODY! A very rare Highrider picture signed by Johnny Vegas! One-time only deal, 25 bucks! Get the best of both worlds!A few fans are hesitant to cash in on the offer until one older fan slaps 25 bucks on the table and takes the picture. Highrider pockets the cash.
Highrider: Wow, I can't believe that worked.--....that guy was really dressed up similar to that kook who beat up the UWF cameraman last night at that diner.Johnny: (Still signing autographs all the while...) Oh, geez, don't remind me. That freakin' bastard. I bet he's not even in the UWF. I swear if I ever catch him, I'm gonna slap the Jackpot in his ass. Right into some concrete. That'll show him.Highrider: Guess the cameraman heard every word. The guy thought you were weak for eating out with me and your parents.Johnny: Weak? Where does that ass get off, weak? The last time I checked, The Rock didn't lose any muscle, strength, or skills the last time he took his parents out to dinner. I mean, where does that come from? And beating up a cameraman? Didn't I just get through telling that Vampire guy that only cowards beat up cameramen?Highrider: It's true! It's true!Johnny: Damn right, Kurt. I mean, Highrider. One lucky fan finally slaps an 8x10 of Highrider on the booth in front of him.
Highrider: Yesss! What's your name, kid?Kid #2: Tommy!
(Highrigher mumbles what he's writing) To Tommy....who has the same...real name...as I do....best of luck, Highrider, a.k.a...Tommy. There ya go, kid.Johnny: Damn, dude, you don't have to write a message that takes up the whole 8x10.Highrider: Come on. Am I going anywhere? Am I going anywhere?!...Hey, what about that match you have with Raver on Friday? Is he gonna kick your ass? Johnny: Of course not, dude! He's a Raver! Come on!Kid #3: Hey, I'm a Raver!
Johnny: Ok, kid, for you to get this picture, that'll be an extra 10 dollars for confessed ravers.Kid #3: Aw, man, I never shoulda opened my mouth...
He shells out the money.
Johnny: I mean, I've beaten bigger and badder guys than him. Remember? I beat Killian Harris in the UCW. He was a tough son of a gun. First championship I ever won. But Raver? He's a wannabe-Vegas.Highrider: Come on, Johnny, who would ever wanna be like you? (He chuckles.)Johnny: Oh, psh, real funny, big man. No, really, he even said that we "weren't all that different" or something...Come on. At least my parents like me. I am SO going to kick his ass on Friday. Highrider: Dude, you are SO MONEY! Money, baby!Johnny: What the hell?...Hey, have you realized we're like, the only guys in the UWF that like to have fun? Be normal people, and not spit up blood, beat cameramen, and pretend to be monsters? Oh, wait, I guess that liking to have fun would make us "weak" in the eyes of that one freak...Highrider: Yeah, really. Hey, we've been here for our two hours, wanna pack it up?Johnny: All right. ... OKAY, LISTEN UP, EVERYONE, Highrider and I have got to hit the road. We're real sorry, but we still love ya (wink) and don't forget to witness people getting asskicked by me on Friday Fury!Security helps Johnny and Highrider through the mass of fans and out to Highrider's lifted 2000 Chevy pickup.
Johnny: Now THIS...This is a real "Highrider."
They climb in, and "Viva Las Vegas" as sung by ZZ Top blasts over the radio. Johnny and Highrider fade into the distance...then come back.
Johnny: Shit, I don't believe this. Johnny grabs his bandana from the ground, which had somehow fallen off when he got in the truck.
Johnny: Okay, now let's fade into the distance.They do just that.
Johnny Vegas and Highrider pull up to Johnny's mansion in Highrider's lifted 2000 Chevy pickup. Highrider awkwardly parks the truck and rushes to the front door.
Highrider: For the love of GOD, open the door!!!Johnny: Damn, why didn't you go at the mall, I swear...(taking his time opening the door)
Highrider: (rushing in)Aiiieeeeee!Johnny: Damn, dude. Man, these wrestling tights really are comfortable.The doorbell rings. Johnny opens it and its the young cameraman who got the hell beaten out of him the night before.
Cameraman: Thanks for saving me last night, dude. Johnny: No problem, man. Come on in have a few drinks. Er, of soda, of course...forgot you're only 20...Johnny goes to the bar and pours a glass of scotch for himself and a root beer for the cameraman.
Cameraman: Do you mind if I turn the TV on?Johnny: Go right ahead. Mi sasa ku sasa.Cameraman: Um, I think its mi casa--Johnny: I know what it is, man. Just a joke. Remember, I'm the guy that actually likes to have fun, right? Highrider: (walking out of the bathroom) Aahh, I feel five pounds lighter!Johnny: Holy shit, Tommy, I knew that buying "Next Friday" wouldn't be a good idea. Hey, hey hey! A UWF promo show is coming on! Camera dude, go get your camera real fast in case someone cuts against me, so I can cut a promo with their interview fresh in my mind! Go!
Johnny: Actually, I don't know how you get that thing. Isn't that UWF property?Cameraman: Well, since I sort of roam around, they loan it to me so-- Johnny: Holy shit, it's Raver! Hah, hey, turn the camera on! This is gonna be great!
Raver: It seems that I pushed somebody’s buttons too far. Johnny Vegas…there is no need to get all upset over the fact…that what I said might be true. What you need to do my friend…is to calm your ass down. Otherwise you might not show up on Friday Night Fury…due to a nervous breakdown.
Johnny: Nervous breakdown? Come on. I'm drinking scotch, for Pete's sake. Yeah, I'm nervous, hell. ...*You see…I was only trying to guide you to a place…known as the dark side.
Johnny: Tommy, did you slip "Star Wars" into the VCR while this guy was talking?Highrider: Righty-o, Darth! But you refuse to listen to me…and instead…you enjoy being in denial. You might not be a lost soul…yet…but you are indeed a weak soul.
Johnny: Denial?! What the hell is it going to take! I'M HAPPY, YOU BASTARD!...u thought that I was some kind of phantom wrestler because I posses the name Raver. Then you go on about having a lousy time with some girl ravers. If all this is true…then you my friend are an idiot. If you knew what a Raver was…than why did you think that I was a phantom wrestler.
Johnny: What the hell? I called the freak a phantom wrestler because I'd never seen his ass around before! Like he was just gonna suddenly appear, or something, just before our match. What a slap nut....Second…very nice come back on the sex issue. Only an idiot like yourself could of came up with something that stupid. How can it be the girls…when they’re the first ones that said that you weren’t good in bed?
Highrider: So, you suck in bed, huh, Johnny?Johnny: Oh my gosh. I never thought I'd witness the day when a fellow male would accuse me of not being good in bed. Come on, what the hell is that? Legitimately, those girls sucked! They didn't just suck, they blew! Highrider: You're getting a little graphic on me, man...stop...
...And if the facts given to me from you and the girls are indeed true…then that means that you…and the girls are both bad in bed.
Highrider: Man, he sure is going on and on about how you suck in bed! Johnny: Obsess, much? I don't even suck in bed. And this guy is rambling about it. He obviously is a very impotent soul. ....
Johnny: Aw, geez...doesn't he have anything better to talk about?
...Onto my third issue. You say that you are a champion. What title do you hold…the title of being the worst lover in Las Vegas.
Highrider: Good Lord! I enjoy watching your ego take a little beating every once in a while, but this sex thing has got to stop!It doesn’t matter in this federation…how many titles you held in the past. This is a beginning of a new era in wrestling…and you my friend…are on the same level playing field like the rest of us.
Johnny: NO SH*T! That's one of the first damn things I said when I came to this federation! Does this guy ever stop masturbating and actually watch the promos I cut?!
...Now onto my next issue about asking myself the questions that I intended for you to answer. I’ve already answered all the questions…that’s why I chose the path…of the dark side. It makes me stronger and more powerful each day..
Highrider: You know, maybe I really did accidentally slip in a copy of "Star Wars" while this guy was talking.Johnny: Any minute now, I bet Luke Skywalker is going to show up and chop his hand off with a lightsaber......As for you…you are as weak as they come. And you will soon know why. Love and kindness only makes a person weak and vulnerable. But come Friday Night Fury…you will be forced to enter my world where reality doesn’t exist…and hallucinations come to play!!!
Johnny: It was like we were just talking about. If you can show me physical proof that my muscles actually decrease in size whenever I show any love or kindness, then I will side with this guy and say that it actually does make me weaker. But it just ain't gonna happen!Highrider: Hey, Johnny, have you ever played with your hallucinations before?
Johnny: Well, there was this pink elephant once. Hmm, also, when's the last time you walked into a wrestling arena and everyone was fake? I'm pretty sure reality exists all the time in a wrestling ring...
Cause I will beat you down…and you will feel the deadliest acid drop…that mankind has ever felt. (A mist of white smoke appears covering the camera lens. When the smoke clears, Raver is nowhere to be seen.)
Johnny: There he is! Running off into that cemetary party!
The cameraman shuts the camera off and has tears of laughter rolling down his eyes.
Cameraman: Oh, shit! I'm glad I brought a Tripod! I never would have been able to hold the camera steady for that one! I hope the mic didn't pick up my laughing! Oh, man, I better go. It's been great.Highrider: See ya round, man.The cameraman leaves.
Johnny: Oh, that was great. I have a feeling this is going to be the easiest World title I've ever won.Highrider: Johnny, you've never actually been a World Heavyweight Champion.Johnny: Oh, yeah. Well, it'll be the easiest championship I've ever won.Highrider: Even easier than when you were actually given the tag title with me in the nIo because my partner was injured?Johnny: Even easier than that, my man, even easier than that.
Scene opens in a graveyard at midnight on Friday the 13th...it's also on a sacred Indian burial ground--um, and it's Halloween! Yeah, that's it...where far off in the distance, two fingures can be seen carrying shovels and staggering through the trees and bushes. The cameraman runs up to the graveyard gate and zooms in on Johnny Vegas and Highrider!
Johnny: Now is the very witching time of night--Highrider: AAAAAH! A frickin' spider!Johnny: ::shut up!:: Um, now is the very witching time of night, when churchyards yawn, and hell itself breathes out contagion to this world!Highrider: Yeah...wooooooooo-o-o-o-o-o...Johnny: Let us dig up the tortured souls of those who were wronged in the past by vampires...or something really evil like that, you people can use your imagination... Highrider sees the cameraman off in the distance, and acts surprised.
Highrider: GASP! A lowly cameraman! I wonder why a cameraman is here at midnight in a haunted Indian graveyard on Friday the 13th and on Halloween, no less?Johnny: Yes! Come, let us beat him up to show our superiority to the other wrestlers!Highrider: Wait, I have an even better idea! Let's just spit blood on him and break his camera!Johnny: Or why not put him through a wall with a full-nelson chokeslam?!Highrider: Naw, let's just spit blood on him.Highrider and Johnny make their way towards the cameraman and open the gate. Highrider opens up a can of V-8 and takes a swig. He proceeds to spit it all over the cameraman and his camera.
Cameraman: Tommy!! You promised you wouldn't actually spit on the camera, dammit!Highrider: Well, shit, man! This stuff is hard to aim!Johnny: How do the rest of the guys in this federation do this every time they cut a promo? This is hard! I would much rather be off in a casino somewhere!Cameraman: Well, I guess that's it for our "evil interview." Man, let's get the hell out of here, this place gives me the creeps.Johnny: All right. But later on I want to cut a promo about how I'm going to kick Raver's ass, then Vampire's ass on Monday.Cameraman: Later? Hell, it's already midnight!Johnny: You can axe the act dude, I think everyone knows we're just in a studio. It's 12:40 p.m. Cameraman: Oh, yeah. Okay, so later on, you guys are coming to the studio to cut a promo?Johnny: Yeah, we'll be there. Later, man.The cameraman leaves through the back door of the studio.
Johnny: Wanna get a bite to eat?Highrider: (Drinking the V-8) Ack, naw, man...this shit has totally killed my appetite. Let's work on getting some backstage passes to AC/DC's next show. Johnny: Let's roll.
Scene opens with Johnny Vegas leaning back in his office chair, reading the latest issue of "Hit Parader." He's got on blue jeans and his UWF Johnny Vegas t-shirt. He's in the office of his mansion, and computer next to him is turned on, blinking every once in a while. Suddenly, the screen blacks out and turns blue.
Johnny: DAMMIT! Son of a BITCH! That song was 94% downloaded!
A knock at the door.
Johnny: Piece of crap ISP, I swear, I'm gonna call--
Johnny opens the door. It's his good friend, Highrider.
Johnny: 'Sup, man? Have you been having internet problems lately?
Highrider: Uh, I don't hardly use the thing--
Johnny: Well, I was just downloading this song, (they walk to the bar in Johnny's living room) and the piece of crap disconnects me when it's 94% done.
Highrider: Ah, man, what song? Johnny: "Red" by Sammy Hagar.
Highrider: Ah, man, that's a crime. ... Hey, did you hear what Raver was sayin' about you on TV a while ago?
Johnny: Ah, man, not again, I bet he said that I'm in "denial" and that I'm bad in bed, right?
Highrider: Um, wow, man! That pretty much sums it up! I guess he's gotten pretty predictable, huh?
Johnny: No shit. What a little bastard. Anywa, come on, get in the Porsche. (He grabs a couple old wrestling tapes.) We're goin' to the studio. I think it's time I cut a promo.Highrider shrugs and they walk outside to Johnny's silver Porsche Boxter. They climb in and Johnny fires it up.
Highrider: (After telling him the specifics of Raver's promo) Hey, that tag team the Insiders asked if we wanted to run with them. Well, actually, if you wanted to run with them, since I'm only a "manager."Johnny: Well...hey, what harm can it do? It'll actually only help, I guess. But I don't really wanna start a full-fledged stable. Let's just be allies with them. A while later they arrive at the UWF studio.
Studio Guy: Hey, Johnny, wasssssuuuup?Johnny: Can it. I'm here to cut a promo. I brought along some tapes I want to show when I cue you.Studio Guy: The stage is all yours, my man.Johnny: Good.
He stands against the chain link background and the camera's red light blips on.
Johnny: Raver! You predictable son of a bitch!Studio Guy: Cut, no, no, this show is airing at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow, it's not a show where you can say "son of a bitch" and get away with it.Johnny: Well, shit! Okay, fine.........Raver, you little piece of dog shit--Studio Guy: Dammit, John! You're wasting tape!Highrider is laughing his ass off behind the camera.
Johnny: Okay, okay, for reals this time..."Raver, you predictable crotch goblin."The Studio Guy sighs with his face in his hands, but continues rolling.
Johnny: Do you know that when my good bud Highrider told me you were talking trash about me, I actually guessed what you said to a tee? I'm getting really, really sick of cutting promos against you, dude! But I'm gonna continue to do it, 'cause it gets my psyched for our match...yes, our match this Friday. Raver, I'm not underestimating you when I say this match will be a breeze...I'm OVERESTIMATING you! But instead of going yadda yadda yadda, "I'm not in denial, I drink because I like it, I was just making a point that I'm better than you when I spoke of past championships," I'm gonna forget about all that junk. Because we're just gonna go back and forth! I give you an honest synopsis of your words, you say the same thing. I give my honest synopsis, you party in a graveyard...and say the same thing again. I mean, come on! So I brought some tapes of past matches I've been in. Now, I know myself that past championships don't mean squat here, but what about past instances where I destroy opponents? I think it counts for something when I show you just...what I can do to you. Roll the first tape.Courtesy UCW
One of Johnny's UCW matches rolls...the announcer is heard calling the match.
Hendrix: Out comes Johnny Vegas to the AC/DC that he loves so much! Oh wait a minute! Right behind him is Killian Harris! Wait he sees it coming! Back and forth blows,punches and kicks being exchanged rapidly here folks! Vegas has something,that's a chain! He decks Killian with it!
...Killian taking Vegas up top, trying for a superplex,it's blocked with a boot to the skull by Vegas,and another one,and another one,Vegas goes for a hurracanrana!
He goes up top for another Superplex! He gets him up,but wait! Vegas falls sideways! They are falling thirty feet down! (from the ring on a giant scaffold) SMACK! They hit the floor! Vegas rolls on top for a cover! It's a slow count for the 1...2...3!!! We have a new champ,we have a new champ!!!
Johnny: Wow! What a match! The first championship I'd ever won, and in one of the shortest lengths of time in history! Sure, that title means nothing here, but that whoopin' I laid on Killian Harris just goes to show you how good I am! But it was nothing compared to some other fights I've had. Take a look at the next tape. TH:Hugh "Road Hog" Fidler is making his way out here now for this upcoming match for the UCW World's Television Championship.But here comes the challenger,the enraged Johnny Vegas! The match has begun as Vegas is unmercifully pummelling Hugh Fidler! Rights and lefts,jabs and big hand straight to the jawline and face of Hugh "Road Hog" Fidler! He picks up Fidler now and whips him into the ropes for a huge clothesline! Fidler back up now dazed as Johnny Vegas backs him into the corner! Stiff kicks straight into the midsection of Hugh Fidler! He whips Hugh into the other turnbuckle now!
...The tape goes on to show highlights of Johnny and Hugh in a classic matchup where Johnny wins.
...Vegas on top for the 1---2----3!!! We have another new champ!!! WoW! JOHNNY VEGAS IS THE NEW T.V. CHAMP!
Johnny: Ooh, you know, Hugh never got over that beating...but look at this...A huge tag team battle royal with my bud Highrider and I, The Vegas Connection, destroying all teams en route to tag team glory!...The scene shows the ending moments of the battle royal..."Now we are down to the final 3! Vegas and Burnside fighting as the Natural charges! He gets backdropped by Vegas! He's still up on the apron! He gets clocked off and we are down to 2 men who will it be??? The Confederation or the New Vegas Connection??? Burnside has him up for his partner's move the Canadian Crash! But Vegas flips over! A boot to the gut! The Jackpot! Vegas tosses out Burnside!!! WE HAVE A WINNER IT"S GONNA BE THE VEGAS CONNECTION AGAINST THE TAG TEAM CHAMPS TOTAL DEVASTATION!!! THE HELL IN THE CELL IS BEING LOWERED!!! TOTAL DEVASTATION IS RUNNING AWAY! BUT THERE'S THE CONFEDERATION!!! THEY'RE MAKING SURE THIS MATCH TAKES PLACE AND THEY GET THROWN IN THE MATCH BEGINS!!!"
... Hendrix:The cage is closed! Vegas is bashing Simmatics head against the cage! He is being beaten brutally now! Oh My God! High Rider has Max Gunn and a piledriver down to the canvas! Vegas is on top of the buckle on Simmatic! 1----2----3----4----5----6----7----8----9----10!!!" He is busted open again! Blood is gushing from Max Gunn's head as well! Simmatis is trying to open up the door! But he can't do it! High Rider hits a chokeslam on Max Gunn! He signals for the High Rider Hangover! He nails it! And Vegas has Simmatic up and down in the Jackpot! They make a double cover! A 1----------------------2---------------------3!!! WE HAVE NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!!! THE FANS ARE GOING CRAZY HERE IN ALBANY,NEW YORK AND I DON'T BLAME THEM ONE BIT!!! THE CAGE IS BEING RAISED AS THE NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TAKE THE TOP TURNBUCKLES!!! YES!!! HERE COME ALL THE WRESTLERS FROM THE BACK TO CONGRADULATE THE VEGAS CONNECTION AS THE NORTH AMERICAN CHAMP AND THE TV CHAMP GET TAKEN OUT OF HERE!!! FANS WE HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED THIS AND I HOPE YOU JOIN US FOR UCW STABLE EXPLOSION 98 ON SUNDAY,OCTOBER 17th!!! GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY,WE'LL SEE YOU MONDAY!!!
Johnny: Wow, such an emotional rush! Tony Hendrix, who conducted the big interview with me which will be showing after Friday Night Fury, did a great job on commentary, didn't he? Okay, Raver, how about that? I know what you're going to say. "It doesnt....matter...what you....did....in other....federations.....join...the dark side.....and be bad......in bed!!" I'm right, aren't I? Well, Raver, the thrashings I just showed you really do matter. They show you exactly what I'm capable of! Now, Raver, I want you to think about that and come up with something you haven't already said. I'm not in denial about my life, please don't obsess about that or continue with your strange fascination about me being bad in bed, which is SO not true. Why don't you just accept the fact that you can't compare to me? Both you and Vampire are Darth Vader wannabes who are scared of me and have to resort to calling me names like "hippie,"--which is just stupid because I don't wear flowers in my hair or preach about peace and love--or resort to false inadaquecies about my life. You two posers, smoke on that for awhile while I touch on another subject. "The Insiders want me to run with them. Well, boys, it's your lucky day, because I'm feeling good. I'm also gonna need some allies because people are challenging me left and right, and not even the Premiere Piece of Talent in the UWF feels safe with three people gunning for him! So Insiders, consider the deal a deal. But let's not make a stable situation out of it. Me and Highrider will watch your backs if you watch ours. Alright, that's it for now. Johnny: Shit, that tired me out!...Hah, not really. Anyway, I gotta get back home so I can re-download "Red..." Highrider: Can we go to the ticketmaster first? We have SO got to get tickets to an AC/DC concert. Johnny: No problem. Let's roll. Cameraman: You dropped your headband, Johnny...Johnny: Damn, how does this thing keep falling off? I mean, it's on my head, for crying out loud!Highrider: Maybe if you didn't grease your hair up so much--Johnny: Shaddup! They leave as the scene fades.
Scene fades in on Johnny Veags and Highrider boarding a plane. They're both dressed in blue jeans, with Highrider in a white muscle shirt and Johnny with his ever-present Johnny Vegas UWF shirt. Johnny's got on his mirror-lens $300 sunglasses. They're standing in line in the airport terminal, ready to board flight 201 to Houston, continuing on to New York.
Highrider: Man, I can't believe you got two front row seats AND backstage passes to AC/DC's Madison Square Garden show! You are so money!Johnny: Money, baby! This is gonna be great! Johnny and Highrider get their tickets ripped by the attendant, and walk down the long hallway where their 1st-class seats await them. They show their tickets to the flight attendant inside the plane.
Flight attendant: Seats 3A and 3B, First class...right here!Johnny: Wow, I haven't seen the boys in AC/DC for about a year and a half, ever since that weightlifting match in the UCW!Highrider: Yea'. I kicked that guy's ass! I'm more than glad to be just a manager here, though. I wouldn't dare let that Vampire guy touch me. That freak sucks on rats!Fan next to them: Oh, WOW, man! It's like, Johnny and Highrider! You guys...RULE, man! Whooooaaaa...Johnny: ::um, dude, this guy sounds a little like Tommy Chong...:: Uh, cool, man! Rock on!Fan: Yeah, man, wow! Hey, I saw that Vampire guy on TV a little while ago and I was just like...wwhooooooaaa!! This guy's a freakin' queer, man!!Johnny: Yeah, you've got a point there, man. He obviously was a backup singer for Marilyn Manson at some point during his life. Highrider: Man, he's even freakier than that. The blood comes from his body? Man, this federation has more weirdos in it than any place we've ever been.Johnny: Yeah, for real. I hope that his ass is a hemophiliac so the next time he spits blood he bleeds to death. Or maybe he's a diabetic and doesn't know about it, that'll kill him off real quick.Fan: Yeeaaah, or maybe he'll choke on a rat or something, man!Johnny: Yeah, wasn't that the dumbest thing you'd ever seen, man? Is she trying to be a sicker, female Tom Green or something, sucking on a rat? He probably sucks on rats, too. But I bet that's not all he sucks. I bet if he was at a truck stop, it wouldn't take a stake to the chest to bring him to his knees.Highrider: Man, that was on Saturday Night Live.
Johnny: Yeah, but it's how fast I thought of it that counts. Didn't he say I had a fancy shitty car? Hmm, well, which is it, freakass? Fancy, or shitty? Then he carries on with the me being in denial thing. I mean good Lord, what will it take to convince these guys that I'm f*ckin' happy, man?Fan: Whoa, man, your cars kick ass man!Highrider: They obviously know you're happy, dude! They're just pushing your buttons! Assholes tend to do that a lot.Johnny: Yeah, you're right. And the whole drinking thing is stupid, too. I mean, sure, I kick back with a scotch or a glass of champagne or wine every once in a while, but come on! It's not like I'm an alcoholic.Highrider: (Goofy voice) Duh, I dunno, John-nee! I think you're in denial! And you suck in bed, tee hee!The passing steward gives them a concerned look.
Johnny: Ah, oh, now look what you did, numbnuts. Highrider: Dude, when is this plane taking off?? This whole time, the stewardess has been giving the safety instructions, and the plane is finally starting to take off.
The plane begins to lurch forward before being propelled at an intense speed down the runway.
Fan: WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAA!! SSSHIIIIIIIIIIIITT, DUUUUUUUUUDE!!! WHOAHAHAHAHOHOHOOHOH! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!The plane finally straightens out and carries on, much calmer now.
Fan: Whooooaaa! That was even cooler than the time Highrider beat Alex Connors in a weightlifting match with AC/DC in his corner!Johnny: Wow, for a hippie, you have a pretty good memory. ::Now this guy is a real hippie...We should show him to Vamp-f*ck and his bitch, so they know what a real hippie is...:: So, um, you remember that, huh? Well, we'e on our way to see AC/DC in concert right now, as a matter of fact.The hippie's eyes get really wide.
Fan: WAHOOAOAOOAOAAAAHHHHH! I'm gonna see AC/DC, too! Like, in-f*cking-credible, man!!Highrider: Ah, geez...Johnny: So like, dude, how did you get on first class here, anyway?Fan: First what, dude? Whooooaaaa! I just like, passed out and I woke up in this chair, man!Johnny: Rrriiiiiiight... The hippie complains of dizzy spells and passes out in his chair as Johnny and Highrider pull some old wrestling magazines from their lone carry-on bag and enjoy the rest of the trip.
Security Guard: Whoa, you guys can't go back there.Johnny: Au contraire, my good man. Backstage passes.Security Guard: Oh, I'm sorry. Go right on through. Hey, wait, you!Hippie guy: Whaaaaatt, maaan? I wanna see the band, duuude!Security guy: Get this guy outta here. The hippie guy is hauled away, all the while screaming WHOOOaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!
Johnny and Highrider can barely hold in their excitement. They smile broadly and work their way through the crew, promoters, and groupies until they reach AC/DC's dressing room door.
Johnny: Dude, we haven't seen these guys in a year and a half! Think they'll remember us?Highrider: Duh! Come on, How many long haired, goateed, 6'11", 330 pound wrestlers do you think they've met in the past year and a half? But you, I don't think they'll remember you.Johnny: Shaddup. Open the door, open the door!Highrider turns the knob. It's open. He walks in with a broad smile on his, followed by Johnny, who has the same expression. They walk in, look around, and see...!!!
Nothing.
Suddenly, a voice behind them!
What in the bloody 'ell? Vegas??!Johnny: BRIAN! ANGUS! Hey, you remember us!Brian Johnson: Come on, lad, 'ow many otha 6'11", 330 pound, long-haired wrestlers with goatees do you think we've met in the past year and a half? 'Course, I didn't know who you were at first...Highrider grins at Johnny.
Johnny: Aww, come on!Brian: Gotcha, eh! We've seent ya guys on the, what is it, UWF all the time! I' fact, I taped the promo show that was on a lit'le while ago, wanna sit yer asses down and watch it?Johnny: Would we?! Pop that sucker in!Angus Young: Wow, Highrida, I remember when ya beat Alexander Conn'as in that weightliftin' match a year or so back! What'chya been up to?Highrider: I've been managin' Johnny! He is so gonna be champion pretty soon!
Angus: What, ye don't wrestle anymore?Highrider: Ah, I'm really here for moral support and to manage him. Easier on me, I mean, I can cut promos with Johnny, but I can just sit back and let him do all the dirty work! Heh!Angus: Well, that does sound like a better life, eh? Let's see what ye friend is up to.Brian has popped in the promo tape, and it begins to roll.
Brian: well, guys, we've jes' about got to get goin', the touring life is a 'ard one! We'll catch ya lata', blokes.Johnny: All right, see ya later, man!Highrider: Later, Angus! Angus waves as he and Brian exit the dressing room.
Johnny: Those guys...are my heroes.Highrider: Yeah, man. Hey, let's get on the next plane home, I'm ready. We saw what we came to see. New York is just so...not Vegas!Johnny: I agree with ya, Tommy, Vegas is money, but look around! This is a party with groupies! Think about it!Highrider: Say no more, man! Let's roll!Johnny and Highrider rush out the door to cut them a piece of the backstage party. Yes, it's gonna be a looooong night before they return home...wink, wink!
Johnny Vegas and Highrider are seen pulling up to Johnny's parents mansion after the big AC/DC concert. They figured they'd pay them a visit and bring them some t-shirts and memorabilia they bought, as his dad is a big AC/DC fan. Johnny rings the doorbell.
Butler: Hello...Johnny? If you're out here...then...Oh, dear...
Johnny: Mom?!Bodyguard: She's outside, looking for you in that van! Johnny grabs the bodyguard by the collar.
Johnny: Jerry, what the F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WHERE'D THAT VAN GO?Bodyguard: I--It went south down the street! It was just a plain, big black van! Looked like an early 90's model GM! Left a few minutes ago!Johnny: Tommy, get in the Porsche! Now! We gotta save mom!Highrider: I'm already there, man! Johnny climbs into the driver's seat of his silver Porsche Boxter. He fires it into reverse and speeds down the boulevard.
Johnny: Be on the lookout for a big, black GM van!Highrider: Where do you suppose they're headed?!Johnny: My guess is to the industrial part of town. Ah, MOTHERF*CKER! There's a traffic jam!Johnny and Highrider slow down a bit so they don't get gridlocked. There eyes scan for any big black van stuck in this horrendous traffic. Johnny takes a less-trafficked road and breaks all speed and road laws trying to find the van.
Johnny: Shit! Shit! We're never gonna find it!Highrider: Yes we are, man, just stay calm! That freak is probably going to go to some remote place and switch vehicles, so we've just got to find it before they do that! Johnny: Oh, F*CK, like that's gonna be easy! Johnny decides to take Highrider's advice and turns onto a road out of town. He hammers down on the gas pedal, lucky thing he filled it up on the way back from the airport. He hits 115 MPH on a dusty road, until he sees two black specks up ahead.
Johnny: Shit, what's that...could be them... The Porsche climbs in speed until it reaches 130 MPH and the specks are growing into large black objects.
Highrider: JOHNNY, LOOK! THAT BLACK VAN!! It's leaving from that black hearse!!Johnny furls his brow, grits his teeth, and follows the hearse, which has just taken off after seeing Johnny's Porshe, at top-speed. The hearse makes a quick left back towards the city, and Johnny is on it.
Highrider: Who was that guy left alone with a cameraman in that black van? Johnny: That was probably Raver! But f*ck him, we've gotta save mom! Johnny nears the big black hearse, and a masked figure bends out of the passenger side door with a shotgun.
Johnny: So, you f*ckers wanna play, huh?!? Play with this, you bitches! Get ready to take the wheel, and stay on them!Highrider grabs the wheel as Johnny opens the sunroof and climbs out. He leaps onto the hearse's roof and the shotgun-toting masked man peeps out at him. Johnny lifts his head up and back, banging it on the top of the door. He grasps the shotgun and pries it away from the man. Johnny flings the shotgun to the road and pulls the guy half out of the car. He hammers the guy's skull with an enraged fist, and dumps him off the side of the car. His body is seen rolling and pounding the pavement as Johnny swings into the hearse's window.
Driver: What the F*CK?!
Johnny: That's right, bitch! Johnny punches the driver and stuns him, then briefly parts the curtain dividing the front of the hearse with the back. He is enraged to see his mother gagged, tied, and knocked out cold. He grabs the driver by the throat and the hears wildly swerves right, then left, nearly knocking Highrider off the road. Johnny gouges the driver's eyes and manages to get his foot on the break while kicking the driver's foot from the gas pedal. The hearse quickly slows down, and Highrider pulls a 180 and stops as the hears crawls by him. Highrider opens the door and busts the driver's side glass of the hearse. He hoists the driver out by his hair as the hears rolls to a complete stop. Johnny rushes to the back of the hearse and opens it up, taking his beated, gagged, tied-up mother out of it while Highrider unmercilessly beats the driver. Johnny takes the tape from her mouth and begins to untie her as she wakes up.
Johnny's mom: Where...Johnny?Johnny in tears: Yeah, mom, it's me. He hugs her. I'm so glad I found you, I thought that bastard had you for good. Oh, we better get you to a hospital. Johnny's mom, no, I'll be all right, they didn't hurt me too bad, I'm just going to have some lumps and...evidently some missing jewelry..., but oh, I was so scared!
Highrider: Johnny--Johnny grabs the driver and delivers another Jackpot into the pavement.
Highrider: JOHNNY! That's enough, you'll kill the guy! Just leave his worthless ass in the hearse for Raver to take care of.Johnny sinks to his knees, breathing heavily.
Johnny: Raver, if it's the last thing I ever do, I am going to kill you. I will kill you....Highrider: Come on. Get in the car, I'll drive. Johnny gets in the Porsche with his mother in his lap. Highrider speeds towards Las Vegas, in search of a hospital. They scan for the black van on the way back, but it's nowhere to be found...Johnny and Tommy are just glad to have Mrs. Ryan back in safe hands. End....
Scene opens at Johnny's parents mansion a few hours after having treated her at the hospital. Johnny has tripled security around the mansion and his parents have a couple of close friends over. Johnny sits angrily in the den as Highrider walks in and takes a seat next to him.
Highrider: How ya doin', bud?Johnny: Hmm..I still wanna kill Raver, but I'm happy mom's home. Highrider: I hate to see you like this, Johnny. Maybe we should go somewhere to try to clear our minds of this. I mean, it's behind us now! Security is tripled around here, your mom and dad have plenty of bodyguards here, plus some new surveillance cameras, and they've got some friends over. Nothing else is going to happen. It would be easier to sneak a bazooka into the white house than get in here univited! Heh!Johnny: I'm sorry, Tommy. I'm just...not in the mood.Highrider: Well, how'd you just like to go on a long drive? We'll play some Eagles music, something soothing. We'll just drive into the night. Maybe we'll find Raver.Johnny's eyes light up at the sound of this.
Johnny: Ya know, Tommy, I think you're onto something here. I'll go warm up the Corvette, since the Porsche is in the damn shop... With that, Johnny heads out to the garage and fires up his metallic blue '99 Corvette convertible, which he keeps at his parent's house. Highrider makes his way into the living room where Johnny's parents a some friends are talking.
Highrider: Um, Johnny and I know you'd probably like us to stick around, but we're going to go for a long drive to try to clear our minds of this whole mess. Is that all right?Johnny's mom: Oh, of course. You boys don't worry about me. I'm tough, I'll be alright. Johnny's dad: And if you find that bastard who did this, you be sure to beat the hell out of him and give him my regards! Johnny's mom: Oh, John, stop it. Johnny says he's going to have him in a wrestling match this Friday.
Johnny: Let's roll. I was thinking, maybe we can head out to California. It's only a couple of hours worth of a drive. Highrider: Yeah, that's cool, man. Do whatever. It'll be dark in another hour. It'll be peaceful. Highrider fiddles with the CD changer until it falls upon "Desperado" by the Eagles. Then they just cruise.
After a very long drive, they're upon a dark desert highway with the cool wind in their hair, and the warm smell of colitas rising up through the air.
Johnny: Hey, look up ahead in the distance! There's a shimmering light...Johnny's head is growing heavy and his sight is growing dim from the stress and the long hourse of driving.
Highrider: I think we need to stop for the night.Johnny pulls up to the source of the shimmering light, a large hotel in the middle of nowhere. They get out and lock the car and put the top up. Johnny turns to see a stunningly beautiful young woman in the doorway, and he hears a mission bell in the background.
Highrider: Well, Johnny, this could be heaven, or this could be hell...The beautiful woman lights a candle.
Woman: My name is Tiffany. Come, I'll show you the way...Johnny and Highrider shrug and follow her into the hotel. As they walk down the corridor, they both stop short in their tracks.
There are voices from the corridor, and Johnny and Highrider look at each other. They both know what they say, they just can't really believe it.
"Welcome to the Hotel California, such a lovely place, such a lovely face...Plenty of room, at the Hotel California...any time of year, you can find it here..."
Johnny and Highrider trudge on towards the desk and get a room in the second story of this unusually vacant hotel.
Johnny: This place is...strangely familiar....Hey, look, there's Tiffany down there...wow, she's got a Mercedes Benz, she is hot...Too bad she's got all those boys around her, huh? Look at them dancing in the courtyard. I wonder why anyone would be dancing this late at night?Highrider staring off into the night: Some dance to remember, and some dance to forget. Maybe her name is really Tiffany Twisted...Johnny: Whoa, snap out if it, man...I think we need some sleep. Man, this place is...just...so strangely familiar; it has an aura about it. It's not creepy, just...mysterious and wonderful... Johnny picks up the phone.
Johnny: Captain, please bring me my wine.Captain: We haven't had that spirit here since 1969, sir...Johnny hangs up the phone as he hears the voices in the corridor repeating the same phrase he heard before, but with a different ending..."What a nice surprise...bring your alibis..."
Johnny: Strange...wow, there are mirrors on the cieling here...this place is, wonderful...Let's go down to the main lobby and see what we can find there...With that, Johnny and Highrider head down to the main lobby, where bottles of pink champagne on ice await them, along with Tiffany.
Tiffany: We are all just prisoners here, of our own device...In the master's chambers, they are gathering for the feast...Johnny: I wonder if we should check this feast out...Tiffany smiles and disappears into the corridor with the voices. Johnny and Highrider make their way to the master's chambers and peer inside. They see a large group of old men with their steely knives, unable to cut the meat they feast on. Some peer at Johnny and Highrider, and they can feel as though the men are looking deep into their souls...
Johnny: That's it, we are out of here. Johnny and Highrider run for the door, longing for the passage back to the place they were before. The nightman stops them.
Nightman: Relax, we are prepared to recieve. You can check out any time you'd like, but you can never leave.......Johnny and Highrider run out to the Corvette and get in, leaving the place and beginning the drive back home.
Johnny: What--what was that place?Highrider: It was the Hotel California, my friend...listen...Highrider puts the CD on the Eagles song of the same name, and they both listen intently, not quite believing what has happened. Johnny peers back to where the hotel was, but sees nothing...
Johnny: Well, if anything, this has cleared my mind of the events we've had to deal with so far...I am ready for Raver. He is mine.
Scene opens in a Las Vegas nightclub lounge where Johnny Vegas and Highrider are watching a lounge act.
Highrider: See, now doesn't this help relaxe you after the events of the past few days?
Lounge singer: Donk-ah-shaaaayyyn, donk a shaaayyyn...Johnny: Yeah, I suppose it really does, but, (Under his breath) Man, this guy is terrible...Guy near Johnny: Hey, you--you're Johnny Vegas! Man, you're a legend around here!Johnny: Yes, yes, that's me...Guy near Johnny: Man, go up there and sing "Viva Las Vegas!" You could out-perform this guy any day!Highrider: Yeah, Johnny, go show this guy who's boss! Get up and have some fun!Johnny: "Yeah--you know what, I am!The lounge singer finishes his awful performance to a smattering of applause. Johnny leaps onto the stage with his snakeskin boots, black denim jeans, and black denim overshirt with his UWF t-shirt underneath. The lounge audience knows exactly who he is, even without his ring apparel, and cheers for their hometown hero.
Johnny: Who wants to hear some REAL tunes?Johnny reaches to an inner pocket of his denim overshirt and pulls out his $300 silver shades. He slips them on...what a pop! Johnny motions to someone off-stage, and the opening of the classic "Viva Las Vegas" by Elvis Presley begins to play. Johnny rears back and belts out the tune:
Bright light city gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
Got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
So get those stakes up higher
There's a thousand pretty women waitin' out there
And they're all livin' the devil may care
And I'm just the devil with love to spare
So, Viva Las Vegas, Viva Las Vegas
Johnny finishes the song, and hits the high note for the finale. The audience roars as loud as they can for such a small lounge crowd.
Johnny: Thank you....thank you very much!
The audience laughs and some women scream for Johnny.
Angry Fan: Hey, Johnny, you're not so hot, you bastard!Highrider: Hey, watch it, buddy!Angry Fan: No, Johnny, I heard what Raver said about you today! It was TRUE! You're a whiney punk bitch who's in denial! You're weak, Vegas! Raver, now there's a man! I bet he could kick your ass any day!Johnny: Hey, pal, I'm the premiere piece of talent in the UWF...now lemme tell you something about Raver...He's a dirty son of a bitch who resorted to KIDNAPPING my own mother just to make me angry! He's an absolute piece of trash, and I can't WAIT until Friday so I can beat him to within and inch of his life, and then take that inch away from him!Angry Fan: Naw, Johnny, you're still just a punk ho!With that, Johnny leaps off the stage and onto the man, knocking him for a loop off of his chair. Johnny grabs him by his collar, snarls, and......grins.
Johnny: Well, you just go on thinkin' that, man, 'cuz there are about 25 other Vegas-lovers in this room right now...and I can't be held responsible for their actions after I leave!Some guys in the background yell, "YEAH!" Johnny smiles, grabs the guy by the shoulders and hoists him into his chair. He even straightens up his collar for him before getting Highrider and leaving the club. The sound of the man whimpering is heard as Johnny exits the room with Highrider
Johnny: I don't know how much more of this I can take, man...Friday has got to hurry up and come! And what the hell is this "big surprise" that he's talking about?Highrider: Maybe he's going to turn Goldberg heel.Johnny: No, only nutless, whiney man-whores can pass that off as a "big surprise." Raver can try to do what he wants to me, but if he touches any member of my family this Friday, I am going to force him to eat a hamburger.Highrider: That's...that's not much of a punishment, Johnny.Johnny: Oh, did I forget to mention that I was going to feed it to him through his piss hole?Highrider: Ouch! Let's get out of here and listen to "Hotel California" again.
Viper-X: Dudes, thanks for getting those bastards offa me back there. I mean, I would have destroyed them anyway, but at least this way I didn't have to lose a tooth in the process.Johnny: No problem, my man, I mean, we hate those worthless bastards just as much as you do, probably more! I mean, they kidnapped my mom--!Viper-X: Yeah, my mind was in the wrong place then. Raver and Vampire may be worthless dogs, but they can get inside your head and manipulate you. But no more, dammit!Johnny: Yeah, I understand. I wish you wouldn't have accepted their offer, but, I can't hold it against you. I mean, you're with us now, right? And together, we are going to kick some ass! We are so money!Viper-X: Just what the hell does that mean, anyway?Highrider: Oh, man, it's just like saying, we are so bad-ass! But in like, in more "Vegas" terms...Viper-X: Um, awright...Johnny: Viper, what's your real name?
Viper-X: Who wants to know?Johnny: I was just wondering...is it Shayne?Viper-X: Okay, Johnny, I don't wanna sound like an ass here, but...just how the f*ck do you know that?! I haven't gone by "Shayne" since after I moved to Brooklyn when I was 10, then about six or seven years after that it was always "Viper," or "Viper-X," I wanted to change it to sound more fierce... Johnny: 'Cuz, holy shit dude, you lived in Las Vegas for a few years when you were little, huh?Viper-X takes his shades off and just stares at Johnny while the expression on Highrider's face says, "what the fuck?"
Highrider: Uh, you guys aren't gonna kill each other inside my car or anything, are you?Viper-X: Naw, man...John? John Ryan?Johnny: Yeah, Shayne!Highrider: (goofy, whiney voice (Kinda like Raver's!)) My name's Tommy...I wanna be special, too!Viper-X: Shit, man, I haven't seen you since I was ten!Highrider: You--you guys know each other?
Johnny: Yeah, Shayne and me were buddies back when we were little. It was like, first grade through most of fifth grade. Hey, man, remember like, the first week of fifth grade when we broke that one guy's nose playing football; He had the ball and we both bum-rushed him and bruised his ribs and totally messed him up?Viper-X: Yeah, I always hated that bastard Scott!Johnny: Yeah, that was so money! That's exactly what we're gonna do to Raver and Vampire if they f*ck with us again! 'Course, plus one, 'cuz now Highrider's here...We are so gonna be unstoppable!Viper-X: Yeah, Highrider, where'd you learn to fight like that? Shit, I thought you were just a big manager!Highrider: Aw, naw, man, me and Johnny have been cruising the wrestling scene together for about a year and a half now, and for like, a year before that I trained in Japan. But we've been totally best buds since we were 12.Johnny: Yeah, it's all gonna be in the interview I cut with Tony Hendrix a few days ago, before the whole kidnapping thing. Make sure you watch it, it's gonna be good.Highrider pulls the Mustang into Johnny's driveway, and the three of them get out and walk to the front door.
Johnny: You wanna come in for some scotch, or bourbon, or something?Viper-X: Shit, man, just get me a good ol-fashioned beer. They walk in the front door and Johnny pours a bourbon, a scotch, and a beer.
Johnny: All right, boys, one bourbon, one scotch, and one beeeeeeerr...well, I ain't seen mah baby since the night before last, I gotta get drunk, man, I gotta get gassed...Highrider: Oh, uh, Johnny's a big George Thorogood fan...Johnny: Well, I am bad to the bone, man! Turn on the TV, Tommy. Highrider does so, and a demolition derby comes on. One car straight plows into another one, and smoke rolls from the destroyed car's hood.
Johnny: That is so what I am going to do to Raver on Friday!Highrider: Yeah, you're gonna kick his ass good, Johnny... Johnny: Naw, I was talking about plowing a car into his ass!Viper-X: smiling Well, I see you don't just save those little one-liners for when you cut promos!Highrider: Yeah, Johnny's a big ball of fun.Johnny: Yeah, a big ball of fun who's going to turn that big ball of shit, Raver, into a big ball of "man-who-just-got-his-ass-kicked!"Viper-X: Well, Johnny, I guess I should get going, but I'm gonna need a lift to the Airport, I'm gonna fly into Cleveland where Fury is gonna be. Get an early jump on the hotels and get me a fine, stylin' rent-a-car before anyone else can.Highrider: Hop in the 'stang, man, I'll give us all a lift down there. You wanna fly over there, too, Johnny?Johnny: Yeah, sure, man! It's only a day early. It's been a pretty long time since my last match, I better make some time to get re-acquainted with the road schedule!Viper-X: This is so...money?With that, the trio lock up the house and turn the home security system on, then hop in Highrider's Mustang for an early jump to the Friday Night Fury stadium. I have a feeling Johnny is gonna be more than prepared for his match with Raver...I'm just a narrator, but what the hell? He's gonna win!
Scene fades in on Johnny Vegas, Highrider, and Viper-X working out in the Red Lyon Inn gym in Cleveland, OH, where UWF Friday Night Fury is set to take place. They're the only people currently occupying the gym, and they've asked a UWF cameraman on hand for tomorrow night's show to tape the workout. Viper-X is working on the leg press machine while Highrider sits at the shoulder press. Johnny is jogging on a treadmill with a white muscle shirt and gray sweat shorts on. He's got a towel around his neck and a yellow headband on, working up a sweat. The timer on the treadmill begins beeping and Johnny slows it down to get off.
Johnny: Hot damn, it's warm in here. (takes a swig from his water bottle) But I tell ya, I'm in the best shape of my life right now. Raver is so in for the fight of his life tomorrow night.Viper-X: Same goes for Spawn. (He gets off of the leg press machine and looks at the camera.) Spawn, the fact that you actually popped your worthless ass out of your dark cavern is totally mind-boggling. But what isn't mind-boggling is the fact that I am going to tear you limb from limb tomorrow night. But, a promise is a promise, and I've sent a messenger out after you with that bag of one million dollars. Hmm, there's just one tiny little thing I forgot to mention...Earlier today, I had that million dollars shredded into millions of tiny pieces...but don't worry, you'll be getting the exact same money I promised you'd be getting. So what if it's a little unspendable? Anyway, on to how badly I'm going to destroy you tomorrow. Spawn, you have no clue who you're messing with. Spawn, what I say is real, and you just run your mouth with all your little cheesy expressions. See, you can think or make up all the damn expressions you want, but when you step in the ring tommorrow, you will realize that I will bring it. I do want some and I will get it, and I have something to say to your face, but it's more than words. It's my expressions. I express my self through more than cheesy lines, I express my self through your pain and suffering. Spawn, I am pumped up and ready to go, so when that bell rings, I am goin' all out full force and my tank is is cranked to "F." And I am set on a demolition course straight for that Heavyweight title, and you, Spawn aren't enough to stop me from reaching my destination. Not you. Not Raver. Not Vampire. Hell the whole damn fed couldn't and won't stop me!!
Spawn, you're not a phenom. To be a phenom you gotta give it your all. You don't care too much about this match and it's obvious. You have hidden in your little cave until the last second and the only reason you came out is for the money, which I promise you'll be getting, heh. So Spawn this time, I will definitely get the better of you. Now if you go and practice work out and actually train for a match you could possibly win, but not this match or any match which I am involved in. Spawn brace yourself, because I am coming straight for your ass and there is nothin' you can do except take an ass-whippin' like none other!
Just then, UWF wrestler Krittler walks into the gym with a towel around his waist and a wet tanktop on. He plops his bag down next to a workout bench and walks over the the vending machine.
Johnny: Hey, what the hell? I'm tryin' to cut a promo here, dammit!Krittler: Wha--Hey, well, if it isn't that overgrown piece of Eurotrash, Johnny Vegas and his skanky ho Highrider!
Johnny: Eurotrash?Highrider: (Who has stopped doing shoulder presses) Skanky ho?Krittler: You heard me! Now back on outta my gym, whores!Johnny: Oh, that's it, buddy--Johnny rushes Krittler, thrusting him into the vending machine. Krittler has Johnny in a headlock, and Johnny grabs behind Krittler's knee, lifts him up, and drops him backwards onto the cold cement floor. Johnny tosses him up against a wall and punches him in the stomach repeatedly, then knees him in the forehead. A coughing, sputtering Krittler is then thrown to Highrider and met with a huge hand wrapped around his throat. Highrider grins and throws Krittler hard into a wall, then boots him in the gut and catches him in powerbomb position when he rebounds. Highrider lifts him up and powerbombs him into the butterfly press machine against the wall. Dazed, Krittler climbs into a sitting position on the butterfly press, with his head slightly forward. Highrider quickly pulls the pin out of the weights, grabs both of the pads extending from the butterfly machine, and slams them together against Krittler's head. Krittler lets out a scream of agony and falls forward, writhing on the ground. Viper-X picks him up, puts him in a full nelson and vigorously throws him through a big glass window, where Krittler rolls to a stop amidst sharves of broken glass, out cold but still twitching. Johnny returns with a few sodas in his hands, and passes them out to the other two.
Johnny: (cracking open the soda and taking a swig) Ya know...that's kinda how Raver and Spawn are going to look after the show tomorrow night. Except I plan to have Raver's head somewhat shoved into his ass.Viper-X flashes a confident smile, then puts his shades on and walks out of the gym via the new door he made. Johnny and Vegas grab their bags and follow suit. Highrider stops to kick a reviving Krittler in the crotch before resuming his trek to the hotel room. The cameraman fades out and slowly lowers the camera, with a combined look of awe and fear on his face. He watches the trio as they exit the area.
Scene opens in the back of the arena in Johnny Vegas' private dressing room, where Highrider and Johnny are seen celebrating the hard-fought win over Raver.
Johnny: Whoooo! Did you see me out there? What a helluva way to come back to the squared circle! To get a win over that piece of trash Raver! Maybe he'll finally realize that you can do what you want to Johnny Vegas, but when you mess with my family, I mess with you!Highrider: You know, Johnny, it's just going to be a matter of time before you rule this place! World Champion right here!Johnny: When this tournament is all said and done, I am so going to have that gold strap around my waist! And Viper-X, did you see him out there? He sure showed that comic-book wannabe Spawn who's boss, huh? Looks like Spawn is gonna have to play with the other losers on Monday, 'cuz Viper-X pushed him straight off the championship ladder!Highrider: Speaking of Viper, I like what you two did to Vampire and his b-tch a little while ago.Johnny: You liked that, eh? Yeah, I really don't give a damn that I advanced him to the next round with that, because I'd be more than happy to take that white-faced evil clown to the cleaners somewhere in this tournament. Because he will not--and no one else--will stop me on my way to the top! I'm just happy I managed to totally destroy Raver and Vampire, the two men who I hate more than anyone else in this federation.Johnny begins to pack his gear into his bag for the flight out of Cleveland.
Johnny: As much as I hate Raver, though, I'm glad I got his ass out of the way. Besides me and Viper-X, of course, he's probably the best wrestler around here, even if I do hate his guts.Highrider: Come on, Johnny, you don't mean that.Johnny: He kidnapped my mother! Of course I hate his guts!Highrider: No, not that, I mean about him being one of the best wrestlers around here! I mean, he sucks!Johnny: Well, that's what I thought during the beginning of the match, but he really gave me a run for my money...which I have lots of!! But now that I got him out of the way, I can beat anyone in the UWF!Johnny and Highrider have thier things packed and begin the trek out of the arena.
Highrider: Even me?Johnny: Dude, you've always been beating me up. I don't think anyone can beat you in a brawl, you just better watch out, 'cuz I am a better wrestler than you...Highrider: Yeah, okay, you got me there. Who do you think you'll be fighting next week?Johnny: You know, I don't think it really matters. I could be fighting Vampire or Chris Tyler, I don't give a damn. Just line 'em up so I can knock 'em down and win the title. Yeah, Tommy, I think it's finally time Johnny Vegas won a World Heavyweight Championship.Johnny and Highrider reach their rented Lincoln Continental and begin to get in.
Highrider: Ya know, I wonder just how many asses have sat in that driver's seat...Johnny starts the car and take off into the night, heading for the airport.
The lights go out and immediately, a yellow spotlight appears in the middle of the ring. It slowly begins to move down the aisle, and everyone in the arena stares as it is the only source of light in the arena. Many fans are already cheering as they think they know what is going to happen...The spotlight reaches the curtain, AND...nothing. Fan: What the HELL? The spotlight rapidly retreats back to the ring as "Viva Las Vegas" as sung by ZZ Top fires up. It stops in the center of the ring, and lo and behold, Johnny Vegas stands there with a big grin on his face! The fans scream his welcome and wave their "Johnny Vegas" homeade signs. He caresses his thick goatee and raises the mic to his mouth. He speaks... Johnny: Well, well, well, Raver, it looks like you came up just a little bit short of ruining my life last night! Instead, I have become one of the happiest men in the world...besides Highrider, of course, I mean, he's in the back getting laid! Now, I realize that I have robbed you, the fans, of the chance of seeing me cut my promos in the ring like everyone else, so I decided to take time out of my busy schedule to be here...here in Chicago, Illinois! (Johnny gets a cheap pop out of this, which he smiles at) Thanks for that trick, Mick Foley...Anyway, I was just in the back, looking at the various things the UWF staff has posted on the board...I was named wrestler of the week, thank ya very much, President Hardcore Simon, and I also saw that--this Monday night, I'm going to be taking on a man by the name of Chris Tyler. I know you don't know anything about Chris Tyler...hell, neither do I, I've never even seen him cut a promo around here! After the match last night he just kinda, well, flew outta here like an ugly, long-haired, 6'5", 260 pound bluebird with bad breath! Well, bluebird-boy, I see your measly little finisher is called the "Death Messenger." Well, boy, have I got a message for you. Ya see, Chris, I'm Johnny Vegas. And you're not. Hence, there is only one logical outcome for this Monday night...you're going to lose, and guess what? I'm going to win! Yay! So Chris, fly your big bluebird ass out to the ring, put your head down, and let me slap the Jackpot on your ass so I can cover you for the 1......2......3! All en route to the UWF Heavyweight Championship, oh, that sounds good. I see that next Friday, I'm going to have to face either Vampire, who I would so gladly meet in the ring just for the sheer pleasure of kicking his ass and strangling his she-male Vampiris, or, I may have to fight my good friend, my childhood buddy, Viper-X. And if I have to fight Viper-X, I will do it the respectable way, by wrestling him fair and square in the middle of this ring, and may the best man win. Viper's got a lot of talent and an incredible amount of muscle in that body of his, and I know he is going to absolutely destroy Vampire on Monday night! So Viper, when I have to meet you in the ring on Friday, come on down and we'll have ourselves a match for the ages! Now, I'd like to get back on the subject of Dracula. I mean, Vampire. Hello, bloodsucking fag, how'd you like the little trip you and your hermaphrodite Vampiris took last night, courtesy of the "Vegas and Viper-X-press?" Whoo, that was sweet. The feeling I got when I slammed that chair into your skull over and over and over...man, it was terrific! I haven't beaten anyone that bad since...well, since I fought Raver!!! I'm sure Viper-X has more in store for you on Monday, and if by some miracle on your part you manage to squeeze by him, then on Friday, Vamp...I am going to be so money...(big pop)...in the ring with you! Then it's just a matter of climbin' da ladder! Da ladder straight to the most coveted prize in the UWF...the World Heavyweight Championship! I leave you with those words, and Chris Tyler...doooon't foooorgeeet...I'm going to kiiiiill yoooouuuu....
Johnny Vegas and Highrider are seen walking into a friendly neighborhood seafood restaurant in Monterey, California, Johnny's early childhood home. Johnny is decked out in his $300 silver shades with black jeans, a black t-shirt and a black and beige silk shirt over it. Highrider has a black UWF muscle shirt with blue jeans and black steel-toed boots on. The enter the restaurant.
Johnny: Wow, this is a great town. I don't remember hardly anything about this place, 'cept what the old house looked like from the pictures. Glad to see those people who moved in put in a new patio and spruced the place up a bit. My parents never did get around to putting shrubs and stuff around the front yard. Waitress: Party of two?Johnny: Yup.Waitress: Wait...Ohmigosh! You're Johnny Vegas! And you, you're Highrider, from the UWF!Highrider: Wow, did my shirt give me away?Waitress: No, your incredibly sexy long hair did! Here, let me get you guys some seats. Follow me!Highrider grins at Johnny on their way to the table.
Waitress: Here you are! Can I get you guys some drinks while you think about your order?Johnny: Sure, get me a Coors, little lady.Highrider: Same for me. We're just walking around town, anyway, I don't think any sidewalk cop is gonna pull us over for walking under the influence.The waitress giggles.
Waitress: Okay! Let me get you guys your beers, and here are your menus!Highrider: ...Whoa, man, looks like the waitress likes my long, sexy hair!Johnny: Oh, uh, good for you, just remember that I'm the future UWF World Heavyweight Champion here.Highrider: Speaking of which, why don't we discuss Chris Tyler's interview...is he gonna kick your ass?Johnny: Remember, you said the same thing when I fought Raver, and I beat him down.Highrider: Well, maybe it's good luck!Johnny: Maybe you're a retard! But no, Tyler is not gonna kick my ass. In fact, he's not even going to get far in this federation.Waitress: Here are your beers, boys! What can I get for you to eat today?Johnny: Hmmm...get me...the shrimp platter with lobster sauce, and a plate of french fries on the side.Highrider: And get me the steamed scallops over baked cod, with a side of cute young waitress.The waitress looks up from the pad she's scribbling the orders on and giggles at Highrider's corny, straighforward pass.
Waitress: Well, you have to wait 'till dinner time to get that side dish, Highrider, but I'll have the food for ya in just a bit!Johnny finally lets out the laugh he was holding in.
Johnny: Dude, that was corny, but it was so money!Highrider: Money, baby!Johnny: Okay, whew...anyway, about Chris Tyler not having the skills to make it around here. Well, we saw last night that he's only a mediocre wrestler who beat some unknown guy named "Redneck Willie." I mean, come on, and he's proud about what? That he's managed to go seven weeks without taking a shower? Plus, you need mic skills to get anywhere to take you seriously. That whole interview Tyler cut was just...boring!Highrider: Yeah, man, it sounded like he was having trouble breathing.Johnny: Really, man. He'll probably pull out an inhaler midway through our match. And he's been climbing to the top all his life but has never made it? Well, that pretty much sums it up! He's a mediocre "curtain-jerker" who's stuck against the premiere piece of talent in this federation, Johnny Vegas! I am so gonna kick his ass! I can't wait!Highrider: Plus, doesn't he sound like a total Raver ripoff? The trouble breathing, the dark personality, the way he thinks he's gonna just walk through you...Johnny: Yeah, and I got news for him. I beat Raver, and this guy obviously doesn't have half the skills Raver has. And that's pathetic! Then he says he has (Tyler impression) something...deep inside....him....that he....*gasp, pant*...cannot....control!!Highrider: Yeah, it's probably a tapeworm. Johnny lets out a laugh.
Johnny: Yeah well, there's certainly something I can do to stop Tyler's run at the title! I can slap the Jackpot on his ass! He doesn't know how many people I've put out with that move. Just like Viper-X put out Spawn. He put Spawn straight out of the federation! I wish Raver would accept his inferiority and just leave, too.The waitress walks over and puts down the hot plates of food.
Johnny: Hot damn, this looks good! Well, I can tell there's not going to be much conversation during this meal, we're gonna be stuffing our faces full the whole time!The waitress giggles again.
Waitress: Well, dig in, and let me know when I can get the check for you!Highider: Will do, little lady.Johnny and Highrider start in on their meal as the scene fades.
Bartender: Hey, there Johnny! What's up, Highrider? Congratulations on your match last night, Johnny! You really whipped that guy good!Johnny: Thank you, Kevin, my man, yes, it's just a matter of time before I am the World Champion of the UWF! I just have to take out that big lug of a monster Loki, which shouldn't be a problem, but then it's either Viper-X or Jett, and I know that's gonna be a fight for the ages. Get your VCR ready, Kevin.Highrider: What about Vampire? He was dissin' you in a very un-Dracula-like way a while ago.Johnny: Who?Highrider: You know...Vampire! The guy you hate? The guy you beat the sh-t out of a few days ago?Johnny: ...Oh, right, man! Aw, I mean, screw him! He's a nobody! Viper-X put his ass out for good! And quite honestly, so could have I. Bartender: Yeah, but how do you think you're going to get past that monstrosity Loki? That's gonna be a test... Johnny: Oh, without a doubt. I honestly think the Jett/Viper-X match can go either way. I mean, both of those guys are talented and could even give me a run for my money. But I think Viper-X is gonna pull it off, 'cuz just look at the guy! He's too much muscle and skill molded together. I mean, not to take anything away from Jett, he's impressive too, but if I was a betting man...and I am...I would pick Viper-X for this match.Bartender: A betting man, eh? I seem to favor Jett in this match, Johnny. What say we put, ah, 50 bucks on it?Johnny: Naw, let's try $100.Bartender: You got yourself a deal, Johnny! (He goes back to serving drinks.)Highrider: What about me? I want some of this action!Johnny: Man, you owe me 100 bucks anyway. Highrider: Oh, yeah. Well, anyway, Viper-X is so gonna win that match anyway, man. And you are so going to beat the monster from Heck, Loki!Johnny: That's because I'm money, baby! So money! Hey, let's pick up some girls and have some fun. It's been too hard to have fun for too long now. I say forget the tournament for a while and just have a blast.Highrider: Yeah, man! Let's like, clear our minds or something. Wanna go get laid?Johnny: That's the best way to clear your mind of your problems, man! Let's go!
Scene opens in the huge backyard of Johnny Vegas' mansion, where Johnny, Highrider, their friend and Johnny's neighbor Cassie, and a UWF cameraman hang out around and inside Johnny's huge built-in pool with gorgeous rocks and a waterfall decorating it. Johnny has yellow and blue swim trunks on and is making liberal use of the diving board, while Highrider is just kicking back, floating on an inflatable "lounge chair" in the pool. Cassie is sunbathing at poolside while talking to Johnny and Highrider, and the young cameraman, who is a friend of Johnny and Highrider, sits at the steps of the pool with his feet in the water. Johnny takes his stance on the diving board and begins to deliver a stunningly perfect dive before changing it into a massive bellyflop/cannonball at the last second. He hits near where the lounging Highrider was peacefully floating.
Highrider: Sonuvva--(SPLASH)--*glub, glub*--HOLY SH-T!!! Dammit, Johnny! My guys down there didn't expect a sudden rush of cold water!Cassie lets out a giggling laugh.
Johnny: Always be on your toes, Tommy!Highrider: Well, sh-t, man, I was on my back! How am I supposed to expect you to come flying off the diving board and ruining my lounge time?Johnny: Aw, you have plenty of lounge time. Besides, do you think Loki is expecting me to to tear through him on Friday?Cassie: Well, he should. I really hope you tear him apart, Johnny.Johnny: Oh, for you, anything, my dear.Highrider (climbing back onto his inflatable lounge chair): Oh, brother...Cameraman: Hey, Johnny, did you and Highrider ever meet the Insiders at that hotel with all the nympho babes?Johnny: (Glancing at Cassie and making painfully obvious "cut-throat" gestures) Of course not, dude! Why would I do that?Cassie: Oh, cut the act, Johnny. I know you could never be a one-woman man.Johnny: Oh, not true, Cassie!Highrider: Come on, Johnny, last night, you--Johnny quickly rolls Highrider off of his lounge, dumping him into the pool again.
Highrider: *sputter--cough*...Son of a--dammit, well, I guess I might as well just start swimming and diving...Cameraman: But seriously, Johnny, just what are you going to do to get past Loki on Friday? I mean, this guy probably eats...eagles or something for dinner!Highrider: Try panthers.Johnny: It's easy. I'm just going to derail his wheels, then pound his helpless carcass into the ground! I mean, he can't be that good of a wrestler. He's obviously come here on strength alone, with no skills--on the mike or in the ring. Look at me! Wrestler of the week! Five-time champion--wait, wait, I forgot that doesn't matter here...but I've already accomplished more than any other wrestler in this federation, I'm the first--and only guy so far--to be named Wrestler of the Week! I mean, that's almost as good as a title!Cassie: It's true, it's true!Johnny: See? Cassie agrees with me! I mean, what has Loki done?Highrider: I think I saw him shitting in public last Monday. That's about it.Everyone lets out a laugh at the incompetent Loki.
Cassie: Yeah, but once you get past him, you're probably gonna hafta fight that Viper-X guy.Johnny: Yup, that's true. And I won't mind. I'll take him on, one-on-one, fair game, may the best man win. Man, I'm gonna feel bad when I beat him. But, I'm sure there will be no hard feelings.Cameraman: I have a feeling you're not going to show any mercy, Johnny.Johnny: Well, sorry, but that's how it goes when it's the World Title you're fighting for. Sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles...or how the Raver leaves the Federation...Highrider (on the diving board): Isn't that incredible? He kidnaps your mom, you get her back and kick his ass, and he just up and leaves? (He dives.)Johnny: Yup, that's cool all right.Cassie: Actually, you can now say that you're the first wrestler of the week, and the guy who sent Raver packing from the UWF!Johnny: Yes, the incredibly sexy Cassie has made a good point here. Without even winning a title yet, I am absolutely the most powerful man in this federation.Highrider: Let's not get a swelled head, now. Well, even though it is true...Cassie: Yeah, Johnny, I mean, you are so money!Johnny: Hey, Cassie, why don't you come in? The water's fine!Cassie: Uh, no thanks, Johnny, I don't really want--Highrider: She's askin' for it, Johnny...Johnny: Yes, totally! What shall we do, my friend?Highrider: Why, the only logical thing, of course!They both climb out of the pool as the cameraman watches.
Cassie: You guys better not--Johnny grabs her feet as Highrider takes ahold of her arms, and they lift her up.
Johnny: One...Two....THREE!Cassie: AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!SPLLAAAASSH!
Cassie: HOLY SH-T the water is COLD!Johnny: Um, excuse me, ma'am, do you have two nipples for a dime?Cassie can't help but giggle at her misfortune. Highrider approaches Johnny from behind and quickly hoists him onto his shoulders.
Highrider: Sorry, bud, but this is for knockin' me off my lounge!He proceeds to toss Johnny up and into the water below.
Johnny comes up with a combination of sputtering and laughing as Highrider jumps into the pool as the scene fades.
Johnny Vegas is sitting in the office of his huge mansion, sitting in front of his computer. He double clicks on his Talkcity Pirch icon and proceeds to a chat room called "wrestlefansUWF" where he is hosting a casual "Johnny Vegas chat session" amidst 35 fans who have packed the chat room, although many seem to be just watching the conversation rather than participating. Being computer and internet savvy, Johnny has not enlisted the help of any UWF.com staff to assist him in the chat room. Here is a transcript of Johnny's chat:
JohnnyVegas: Hey, wassup, y'all, You all know me, I'm Johnny Vegas.
FourTwentyGirl: Wow! Its Johnny Vegas! R U really Johnny?
adaman: Johnny, how do you feel about your match against Loki?
Large_Cock: if u like wrestling pres 5
JohnnyVegas: Of course it's Johnny Vegas! I'm scheduled to be here, aren't I?
hellbender: 5
JohnnyVegas: Loki? How do you think I feel about Loki? He's a big jerk who I'm going to whip! I mean, I don't even want to spend time talking about him.
-pussy-pouter has left the room.
hellbender: 5
FourTwentyGirl: Johnny, is it REALY U?
butterflypie: johny u r so fine
JohnnyVegas: Yes it's me, for the last time! And uh, thank you...butterflypie...
adaman: What about the rest of the tournament? Who do you think you will fight? And what are your thougths on the oother wrestlers in the UWF
+Jack_Offalot has entered the room.
Large_Cock: Johnny, do u like men?
FourTwentyGirl: keeewl!
-Large_Cock was kicked by JohnnyVegas
hellbender: 5
butterflypie: uv corse not, large cock, you asshole
JohnnyVegas: I see myself fighting Viper-X in the tournament. Then, I see myself cleanly defeating him, and shaking his hand in the end as I hold my new championship up high. As far as the other wrestlers go...
abercrombiegirl: anyone wanta cyber with a hot 16/f, msg me
MeHotGuy: abercrombie, msg me
JohnnyVegas: I think it's great that we have such a huge flow of talent coming into the UWF. It's incredible. Of course, none of them are as high of caliber as the great Johnny Vegas, but Viper-X comes close...
abercrombiegirl: wanta cyber, mehotguy
EZGuest871: Shut the phuq up, abercrombie & mehotguy
TalkCity13bot: EZGuest871 that language is not permitted on Talk City. You have been prevented from participating further in this chat session.
+welikemeat has entered the room.
JohnnyVegas: I think there's some real talent here in Jett, although he's an a-hole, then there's Black Skull, he's pretty good, Dope & Dread aren't bad even though they remind me of Raver and Vampire. The Insiders are definitely the best registered tag team here.
joeyabsluvver: Viperx sayd you got big headed. whats up with that?
StoneCold: Stone Clod Rules!!!!!!!!!!11
hellbender: who in the shit is stone clod??
JohnnyVegas: Viper-X thinks I got big-headed, yeah. I never suddenly got big-headed. I simply realize that I am the best wrestler in the UWF! Viper-X and me are going to have a good old fashioned fight, and I realize that. The difference is that I actually have respect for him. But that doesn't mean I won't do everything in my power to beat him.
adaman: Do you intend to accept the challenge laid down by the Insiders? to u and Highrider?
-butterflypie has left the room.
abercrombiegirl: N E GUYZ FROM CALIFORNIA PRESS 55!!
DeezNutz: Someone lick deez nuts
-DeezNutz was kicked by JohnnyVegas.
JohnnyVegas: I think Highrider will have no problem with us going after the Insider's belts. I mean, they have no one else to defend against! The Insiders are pretty cool guys, I have respect for them. I'd be glad to face them in a tag match and resurrect the Vegas Connection! But only temporarily, and only after I win the World Title.
StoneCold: loki is gong to k ick ur ass, jony
joeyabsluvver: cool, johnny
+funnydick has entered the room
JohnnyVegas: StoneCold, first, learn to spell, and second, if Loki doesn't have the intelligence to cut a promo against me, he probably doesn't have the intelligence to wrestle, and certainly not the skill to beat me.
ACTION: hellbender hits stonecold with a chair
JohnnyVegas: I've got time for one more question before I leave, any takers?
+tarheelman has entered the room.
Taker: I'm a taker! um...what kind of music do u listen to to get redy for amatch/?
RandomBastard: The UWF rulezzzz!!
old-ugly-fat-whore: Damn right, you bastard
JohnnyVegas: AC/DC is the best pump-up music you can listen to. I like to listen to Sammy Hagar, Van Halen, Kiss, Metallica, Motörhead, and some of that new rap-metal stuff. Well, I'm outta here, I dunno what retarded shmuck is going to host this time, but later.
-JohnnyVegas has left the room.
+Highrider has entered the room.
Highrider: Hey, everybody!
Johnny Vegas and Highrider are seen emerging from the long, hollow airport tunnel after arriving in their destination: Louisville, Kentucky, for the Friday Night Fury card.
Highrider: You ever been in Louisville, Johnny?Johnny: About 10 years ago, remember? When I went to an FFA convention here?Highrider: Hehe, yeah...I can't believe you got caught up in the FFA in high school.Johnny: Hell, it's not like I was into agriculture or anything, man, I just hung around. There were some fine country chicks in the--Highrider: Where the hell are our bags?Johnny: Hell if I know! They better be here! Wait...that looks like mine coming down the ramp here, yeah, the yellow headband tied to the handle. Johnny reaches over and grabs his Samsonite luggage.
Highrider: Well, what the...dammit...Johnny: Whoa, there it is! I think, anyway...it fell off the ramp!Highrider: What the sh-t? Ah, SH-T! look at this, it's all scuffed up and scratched and sh-t! Damn baggage claim bastards! Highrider glances up and sees fellow UWF wreslter here for the show, Krittler, chuckling his ass off.
Highrider: What the...YOU! YOU DID THIS! You little anus-licker!Highrider runs after Krittler, who tries to get away, but stumbles over someone's luggage and lands in a heap by a metal-railing chair. Krittler tries to get up, but Highrider smashes the metal leg of the chair on Krittler's hand and sits on the chair.
Krittler: DDAAAAAMMIT! Get the f-ck off me, monkey boy!Highrider: Oh, like I'm really gonna let you go now! Johnny, bring our bags over here. I think we should take our little friend here for a little walk.Johnny: Krittler, Krittler, Krittler. Don't you think you'd have learned not to mess with us after we beat your ass in that gym last week?Highrider removes the chair and picks Krittler up by the back of his neck, then grabs him around the shoulders.
Highrider: Let's go for a walk, boy. You know we can't kick your ass around all of these people, so just come with us...I'm sure we can find a nice big dumpster outside somewhere. Johnny and Highrider carry their carry-on bags over their shoulders and tote their luggage behind them, while keeping their free arms on Kritter to make sure he can't get away. After a while, they come up on an alley with a dumpster in it. They escort Krittler into the alley.
Johnny: Now, this is for pissing me off last week.Johnny lays his luggage down while Highrider holds Krittler. Johnny lets out a mean right hook across Krittler's jawline and sends him into a wall. Johnny kicks Krittler in the stomach and hammers him across the back, then picks him up by his waist and the scruff of his neck and hurls him head-first into a wall. On the rebound, he slams Krittler against the opposite wall and hurls a clenched fist into his stomach.
Highrider: And THIS, this is for f-cking up my luggage! Highrider wraps a huge hand around Krittler's throat and tosses him high up against a wall. As Krittler comes down, Highrider unleases a hard uppercut which knocks Krittler back against the wall. Kritter crumbles into a heap on the ground, coughing and writhing in agony. Highrider lifts Krittler up and gets him in gutwrench position, then lifts him up and over onto his shoulder in backbreaker position. Highrider climbs onto a crate lying further down the alley, and jumps off, landing hard on both feet and practically breaking Krittler in half over his shoulder. He keeps him in this position, walks over to the dumpster, and casually tosses him into it and closes the lid. They breathe a sigh of satisfaction and pick up their bags. They turn around to see a UWF cameraman who has cought all the action.
UWF Cameraman: Man, that was AWESOME!!! Hey, guys, can I ask you some questions?Johnny: Uh, yeah, I guess...Cameraman: OK, Johnny, what are you going to do to Loki tomorrow night on Fury?Johnny: The same exact thing I did to Krittler, except I'll be adding in most of the stuff Highrider did, too, and then some. And all in record time.Cameraman: OK, how do you feel about some of the wrestlers backstage calling you arrogant, cocky, and big-headed?Johnny: They're all 100% correct! I'm very confident in my wrestling skills, and I always have been! I haven't gotten cocky upon entering the UWF, I've always been cocky. These guys act like they know me, when the only one who really does is Viper-X! And even he says I'm big-headed! But hey, I've got the skills, and I know damn well that I do. I defy anyone to challenge me and beat me. Seems like the only competition I have around here is Viper-X and my buddy Highrider here!Cameraman: Speaking of which, Highrider, will you ever come back to compete in the squared circle?Highrider: Not anytime soon. I'm perfectly happy being Johnny's manager. I still keep in shape, and I'm ready to come back, but I'm not going to unless I'm challenged by a title holder. I mean, if I'm offered the gold, I'm going to take a shot at it! I think that a possible brief resurrection of the greatest tag team in all of wrestling history, the Vegas Connection, could be in the cards the soonest.Cameraman: One last question. Johnny, what do you say to the challenge laid down by Dope to you?Johnny: Oh, yeah, I saw that guy. Yeah, sure, bring him on. Once this title tournament is over and I'm the champion, I'm going to take on all comers. But I won't give everyone a shot at the title gold, because quite frankly, not too many people here deserve it. If by the time I win the gold I feel that Dope is worthy of a title shot, I'll give it to him.Cameraman: Well, thanks, Johnny, I'll be sure to run this tape by the UWF studio.Johnny: Wait, dude, I have a question for you. Do all UWF cameraman double as interviewers?Cameraman (getting into his car): Can you think of a cheaper way to do stuff? Later, Johnny!A revived Krittler then crawls out of the trash can with a broken bottle and runs at Johnny, who's back is turned. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big black steel toed boot rams into the side of Krittler's head, and Krittler is sent into the concrete. Highrider picks him up and throws him back into the alley. He then grabs the crate from before, military presses Krittler above his head, steps onto the crate, and drops Krittler face-first onto the cold, hard, damp concrete ground that rested about 10 feet below.
Johnny: Whoa! Thanks, dude! That was so money! Krittler rolls onto his back, moaning in pain with a bloody nose, as Johnny and Highrider go to get their big, luxurious rent-a-car. Too bad when they get there, a Honda Civic will be the only car waiting for them. Damn Budget Rent-A-Car Agencies.
Johnny Vegas and Johnny are seen arriving the Las Vegas airport after the Friday Night Fury card. Johnny's head is bandaged. They pick up their luggage and walk outside in silence to Johnny's Corvette, which is waiting in the parking lot. Johnny gets in and begins the ride home.
Highrider: ..........Don't ya even wanna talk about it?Johnny: ......Highrider: Hey, man, you won the match. You're goin' on to be the first UWF World Heavyweight Champion!More silence.
Highrider: OK, man, that was our turn back there, where are we goin'?Johnny: We're gonna pay a little visit to that cameraman.After a little more driving, Johnny pulls up to the driveway of a nice, middle-class house. He gets out along with Highrider and rings the doorbell. The door opens.
Cameraman: Hey, Johnny! Man, I wasn't there to film the action at Fury, but I saw Vampire out there, what an asshole, huh?...So, uh, what are you doing here at 11:00 at night?Johnny: Get your camera.Cameraman: Um, whatever you say, dude!The cameraman disappears into the house. A voice is heard from inside.
Cameraman: Come on in, dudes! I'll be there in a second!The cameraman emerges with the camera and turns it on.
Johnny: Alright, film this.....Vampire...VAMPIRE!! You shitlicking bastard! I thought I was rid of you! I'll tell you what, you cowardly piece of pig sh-t, you want me? You want a piece of Johnny Vegas? Then you're goin' ta get some. Vampire, I'm gonna force you to fight me in a lumberjack match on Monday Night Massacre! Let the president pick the lumberjacks, I don't really care, I just wanna make sure your cowardly rat-eating ass stays in the ring with me so I can give you the ass-kickin' you deserve! Maybe this time you'll stay the HELL out of the UWF!! You don't belong here, so pack your bags, Vampire, because once you step in the ring with me on Monday, it's GOODBYE for you and your bitch! The camera fades as the cameraman puts the camera on the table.
Cameraman: Well...that's gonna take some heavy editing, but I'll be sure to give it to the UWF studios first thing in the morning.Johnny: Wow...I actually feel much better now! I mean, think about it, I'm gonna get revenge on Vampire this Monday, no doubt about that sh-t, then on Friday...new World Champion, baby! Highrider: Alright, camera dude, I think we'll be going home now.Cameraman: Right, uh, see you guys 'round!The two of them exit the house and get into the Corvette.
Highrider: Any idea who the special guest ref is gonna be?Johnny: I have no idea, but I don't really care. No one is going to stop the Premiere Piece of Talent in the UWF from becoming the first World Champion here. Not even Viper-X. I've been seein' less and less of him as we get closer to this tournament, I don't really think he's takin' the fact that he has to fight me very well. Well, that'll just make it easier to beat him. I mean, we'll still be friends afterwards, but right now...there's a little tension here.Highrider: Yeah, World Titles can come between friends like that. That's why if I ever come back to wrestling, we're just gonna be a tag team. Maybe I'll go after some US gold or something, but that World Championship, that's all yours. It's got Money written all over it, man. So does Vampire. He is so going to pay for tonight!Johnny: Yeah, man, next week is going to be a kick-ass week. UWF's first World Champion! Man, I can't wait. But sh-t, first, let's get a bite to eat before we stop at home.Highrider: Naw, hey man, let's go to Paris, Las Vegas! That place is cool!Johnny: Ppshh, yeah, for tourists! ... Hey, where the hell is my headband?Highrider: I think you dropped it, dude. Let's just go to your house, we'll get a bite to eat there and then cruise some clubs or somethin'.Johnny: That's what makes you money, dude! Look out, Las Vegas, The High Rollers are back home!
Johnny Vegas and Highrider are just seen going on a joyride through Las Vegas, late at night amid the bright city lights and the flashing brightness of the casinos, hotels, and various trinket shops that lie in wait everywhere in Las Vegas. Dressed casually as usual, they have the top down in Johnny's newly-purchased, pristine condition 1965 purple and black convertible Ford Mustang. Some people shout to the hometown heroes as they drive down the streets, just cruising.
Johnny: Well, Tommy, AC/DC may feel "Safe In New York City," but you can give me Las Vegas any day! Look at the thousands of pretty women with plenty of money that's ready to burn.Highrider: And we're just devils with love to spare.Johnny: Viva Las Vegas, man! This place is so money!They stop at an intersection and fans yell their support.
Fan: Kick Vampire's ass on Monday, Johnny!Fan #2: That's UWF's next WORLD CHAMP right there, boys!Cassie: It's true! It's true!Highrider: Cassie!!Johnny: Get your sexy ass in here, babe!Johnny's friend and neighbor, Cassie, runs over and hops into the back seat as Johnny starts driving again.
Cassie: Hi, Johnny! Hi, Tommy! Johnny: What's a pretty li'l gal like yourself doin' all alone on the streets of Las Vegas?Cassie: Well, I went out to dinner with some jerk who doesn't know how to treat a woman, and I was just on my way back home. But enough about that sh-thead...Wow, Johnny, this car is so cool! When did you get this?!Johnny: I bought it just before I left to go kick Loki's ass at Fury. The dealership had some details to work out, so I told 'em I'd pick it up tonight, so that's what we did! Takin' it for the first ride. This baby has an automatic transmission, power steering, air, a CD player, and a 302 under the hood!Cassie: Wow!Highrider: I'm still trying to convice him to run Vamire over with it on Monday. That's the quickest way to get rid of that asswipe.Johnny: What, and damage this perfect paint job? Don't you think it looks great; black with dark purple racing stripes?Cassie: Well, I think you really should run over Vampire with it, after what he did to you last night. He's such asshole!Johnny: That he is! Man, I wish he would just leave, already. He's already proved that he's one of the worst wrestlers in the UWF, I mean, if that's what he wanted to accomplish, he did it a looooong time ago. He's been fighting with us for too long now.Highrider: Yeah, remember that time we made fun of his stupid "evil" interviews? That was fun.Cassie: Oh, my gosh, that was so funny!Highrider: You mean so money, right, babe?Cassie: Oh, yeah, that too, of course. I loved the way you spit that V-8 all over the cameraman and he got pissed.Highrider smiles.
Cassie: Well, anyway, it's gettin' pretty late, I was just on my way back home, think you can give me a lift?Johnny: What, and have you miss all the action tonight?Cassie: What, a night of strip clubs and gambling? I like ya, Johnny, but I think I'll have to pass. Johnny grudgingly agrees to take her home, and after a u-turn and a few miles of driving and light conversation, he arrives at her house, not far from his.
Johnny: Here ya are, babe. Want me to find that a-hole who took you to dinner and beat the shit outta him?Cassie: Oh, how sweet of you, but no thanks, Johnny. Good luck with Vampire on Monday in case I don't see you...but I'm sure you won't need it.Johnny & Highrider: Later, Cassie!Johnny and Highrider continue to cruise into the night through Las Vegas.
Highrider: Hey, what about th--HOLY SH*T!! You just hit a cat!!Johnny: (slowing down) No, dude, that was the biggest rat I've ever seen! Quick, damage check! Highrider: To the RAT?!Johnny: No, to the CAR! They both get out and are thankfully relieved that the frickin' rat didn't do any damage. They climb back in.
Highrider: See? If you could do that to a rat, imagine what you could do to Vampire with this baby!Johnny: (Letting out a little laugh): Sh-t, dude, I'm not gonna hit Vampire with the car!!Highrider: Suit yourself. Anyway, before that damn rat interrupted me, I was gonna say, what about this Friday? The match with Viper-X? Is he gonna kick your ass?Johnny: I'm glad you asked me that, my friend, because it seems like it's good luck. You've asked me that about everyone I've fought, and I've beat all three of them so far. But no, he's not gonna kick my ass. He might give me a run for my money, but I look forward to it. I mean, he might be the first actual challenge in the UWF since Raver, but at least I respect Viper-X. Man, I'm glad I retired Raver from this fed. But Viper-X, he's not gonna escape what's comin' to him, I'm sorry to say! I may like him a helluva lot more than Raver, but this is World Title stuff right here! I mean, finally, after messin' around with this business off and on for two years, I'm finally gonna be a World Champion! I'm sorry, but Viper-X just isn't in a good position. Facing off with someone who is obviously the best wrestler anyone in the UWF has ever seen for the vacant World Title I'm sure doesn't sound too appealing to ol' Viper-X. And you, you my friend, are going to lead us to tag team gold in this fed sooner or later, I mean, what with this new team, "The Council" just up and practically spitting in our faces.Highrider: Ah, don't push me. I'll come back when I'm good and ready. The Council may be totally wrong, but, I mean, it's such a load off not having to wrestle, but still being able to just cruise the places with you. Ah, the joys of managerialship.Johnny: Is that even a word?Highrider: I dunno. Just drive.Johnny and Highrider fade off into the sunset. Wait...it's nighttime...they fade off into the...uh...moonset...
(The lights go completely out. Static blazes across the P.A. There seem to be many explosions coming from the rafters, but there is no smoke or fire.) Announcer: What in the Hell is going on here? (Suddenly, "Viva Las Vegas" as sung by ZZ Top pours over the PA, shaking the very foundations of the arena. "Viva Las Vegas" is being played at an earshattering level, and lasers are beginning to dance around the arena. As the song plays, post-card size pieces of paper bearing the Johnny Vegas "star" logo begin to float from the cieling. There are pictures of money signs on the aisle leading to the ring. There is a huge explosion from all four turnbuckles of the ring, and back at the entryway, flames shoot up about 20 feet towards the cieling. The lights shine on, and Johnny Vegas and Highrider part the curtain to a huge amount of cheers. Johnny stops and raises his fist high above his head. He is wearing black jeans, his trademark $300 silver shades, and a T-Shirt that says "The Premiere Piece of Talent in the UWF" in red on the front, and "Johnny Vegas" on the back in blue. Highrider has blue jeans, a black muscle shirt bearing the UWF logo on the front, and silver-rimmed Oakleys with orange fire lenses. Johnny and Highrider march down to the ring and Johnny demands a mic. He speaks...)
Johnny: Hello, to all my fans out there, and to all the ladies who would gladly give Johnny Vegas head!Highrider (picking up a mic as well): Head? Are you allowed to say that here, Johnny?Johnny: I mean money! To all the ladies who would gladly give Johnny Vegas money, I say hello! Now, I'm sorry that I've been off of TV for the past few days, mainly because I've had no need to cut any promos due to stupid opponents who lack the ability to open their mouths and make sound come out. Except for Vampire, who I saw vomiting in the back from smelling Vampiris' tits.Highrider: Wow, I bet Vampire is pretty sorry that he messed with you, man. I mean, you totally ripped his rectum out of his ass and wrapped it around his face last night!Johnny: Yeah, PTC, I dare you to censor this interview! Anyway, yes, last night, I proceeded to make Vampire the laughingstock of the entire UWF, and I'm pretty sure he won't be coming back anytime soon. I got my revenge for last Friday, and boy, Vampire, I sure hope you're not coming back, 'cuz I have a feeling that even Redneck Willie could dispose of you with the greatest of ease. So stay out of the UWF, where bitches like you don't come to play, but superstars like me come to wrestle!Highrider: You tell 'em, Johnny.Johnny: Right now, I'd also like to take the time to address a man who, for the first time since I came to this federation, looks to actually be a piece of talent. Paul "Ace" Burnett, welcome to the UWF, you may not be as great as me, wink wink, but by the looks of it, you'll be going places. I hope you beat the crap out of that puny little cunt, "Commercial Time" Jake Mosey. Now, on to my next opponent for this Friday, a man who I've had great respect for even though there has been much tension between us due to this world title situation. Viper-X, I haven't heard from you in about a week. Didjya skip town so you wouldn't have to fight me? I mean, we may have hung around together in the past, but that's fading away faster than Vampire's career. Viper-X, I am going to beat you worse than Vinny Ru beats Hogan, and I hate to say that, because I'm a big Hogan fan. Yeah right. No, I'm sorry, I hate to say that because we're "friends," Viper. Wait a minute, help me out here, Highrider, do I hate to say that at all? Highrider: No, Johnny, I don't think you hate to say that at all. I mean, you've been using that damn one-liner for the past two days. Plus, you've been totally ripping apart Viper-X for a while now, too.Johnny: Oh, yeah, I guess I have. Viper-X, you've been annoying the hell out of me ever since our "reunion." I mean, I don't want to sound harsh here in front of all my fans, but, you are not money.Highrider lets out a fake gasp.
Highrider: The ultimate insult!Johnny: Yes, Viper-X, maybe I'll grow to respect you once again sometime, but for the time being, I'm going to destroy you and keep my undefeated streak intact, plus win that there UWF championship! The first ever UWF champion is right here, standing in the ring!Highrider: Johnny, I hate to break it to you, but I'm not even a wrestler here, I just--Johnny: No, man, me! I am the first UWF World Champion! Bow down to me, Viper-X, just make sure you keep your mouth closed and your hands behind your back when you do it. It's time I led the UWF to international superstar status! And if I sound like a cocky asshole, it's because...I am! Except to my fans here in Houston, Texas...Big, cheap pop...
Johnny Vegas: I can't thank Michael Foley enough for that trick. Goodbye, my loyal legions of fans, and don't worry, I'm sure a VEGAS CONNECTION resurrection is in the cards for you all!Johnny and Highrider exit the ring to "Viva Las Vegas" as the camera fades. Highrider can be seen shrugging and speaking to Johnny Vegas as the scene fades and goes to a beer commercial. Beer is so money!!!
Johnny: Well, that wasn't a bad trip. Nice hotel. Glad to be home, though.Highrider: Ditto.Johnny grabs a remote control and hits the power button. The wall in front of him slides away to reveal a huge home entertainment system. He tosses the remote to Highrider, who plops down on Johnny's leather couch. Johnny walks to the bar and begins to mix up two martinis.
Johnny: Ya know, Tommy, I enjoy your company, but when exactly is the last time you went home?Highrider: Last Christmas, remember? Naw, don't worry about it, just gimme a minute to rest. Johnny: You live eight minutes away and your truck is outside. I don't think it requires much rest to pull the cover off of it and drive home.Johnny brings Highrider a martini and sits down in the grey leather recliner next to the couch.
Highrider: If you don't want me here, why are you bringin' me martinis, huh? Huh? Anyway, now I have to wait like, half an hour before I leave. (Takes a swig) So really, you just screwed yourself.Highrider puts the martini down on the coffee table and grabs the remote. He scrolls through the channels.
Johnny: Whoa, whoa, go back a few! They had the UWF show on! We left early from that one, let's see what happened.Highrider: Why do I have a feeling someone's going to be cutting a promo against you?Johnny and Highrider watch the show rather unenthusiastically until they see HBK and Diesel strutting down the aisle. Highrider's jaw drops and Johnny just gulps down the rest of his martini. Neither can believe what they see.
"...I mean you have this Johnny vegas fella who seems to be talented..."
Johnny: Well, at least he's admitting that I'm talented."...and that's just the fact of the matter! I mean Johnny Vegas absolutely sucks. I remember seeing that guy in some other federation, don't you big man?"
"Yeah! I mean let's face it, Johnny Vegas USED to be a good wrestler. But didn't Hulk Hogan USED to be a good wrestler as well...?"
Johnny just stares, fuming at them.
Highrider: Uh, hey, wait a minute...I remember seeing these guys in some other federation, don't you, Johnny?Johnny: Yes, they obviously don't think things out very much before they say them...Plus, these guys USED to be good wrestlers, too, didn't they? I mean, I remember watching Shawn and Marty as the Rockers! What's up with this sh-t, though?!"...the World Heavyweight Title as some might call it! Now that is a belt that The Heartbreak Kid wants and he's willing to do anything and everything to get that belt! I mean hopefully there's gonna be some battle royal and I get a chance to fight for it because everyone knows that The Heartbreak Kid is the only one who deserves to be World Champion...!"
With this, Johnny jumps up.
Johnny: DAMMIT! Don't these f-ckers ever actually read the bulletin board before they come into a new federation? HELLO, SHAWN, I'm going to be the UWF champion THIS F-CKIN' FRIDAY!Johnny paces, watching the rest of the incredibly pitiful promo.
Johnny: Ya know, I think it's about time we head to--Highrider: --the studio to cut a promo. Let's roll. What car are we takin'?Johnny: Ummm...let's take the BMW.Highrider: All right!They head to the garage. Johnny and Highrider climb into the incredibly fast little sportscar and back out, then head down the street to the UWF Las Vegas Studio.
Highrider: SH-T! This thing goes 250 miles per hour?! We need to take this car whenever we go places!Johnny: 0-100 in 4.7 seconds. It's like driving a rocket with an air conditioner.They arrive at the UWF studio and Johnny parks the car. They climb out and head on in.
Johnny: Johnny Vegas and Highrider, here to cut a promo. Got cameras on standby?Cameraman: We can in just a coupla minutes, go get in position.Johnny gets in front of the fence background graced with barbwire and metal barrels. Highrider squeezes into the shot, too.
Johnny: What the hell?Highrider: I got some sh-t that needs sayin', is all.The red light turns on.
Johnny: Well, well, well...The Two Dudes With Attitudes. Hmm...funny you should single me out as soon as you arrive here. Ya just want to see how good you really are, huh? Well, I don't blame you. I am the best here, yes, even though you two washed-up wannabes are on the roster now, I am still the best here. I don't think you know quite who you're dealing with here! I was the first wrestler of the week in the UWF! I'm undefeated in the UWF! I have never been cleanly pinned in my entire career! I am going to be the first UWF champion! You claim to have seen me in other federations? And I was a good wrestler back then? Well, I got news for ya, buddy boys, I've only been around for a coupla years, and I'm still a good wrestler! Hogan? HE'S 46! Me? I'm 27! Open your eyes and shut your mouths boys, and after you're done taking a look at ME, the greatest wrestler in the UWF, I want you to take your bean-pole asses to the back where the bulletin board is posted, and READ IT! No, there's not gonna be a battle royal for the title. We're way past that, you crotch goblin. The UWF doesn't work that way, not like previous federations you've been in, no, the UWF actually holds a tournament! Say it with me, tour-na-ment! Shawn, I can't believe I liked you when I was growing up, and even patented myself after you a little bit, because right now, you make me sick to my stomach. To prove that I am better than you, you little sh-t, I want your ass in a match. No doubt will I have the title by the time I fight you, but I wouldn't put it up against your scraggly ass. You gotta earn it. Right now, I just want to prove that I AM better than you, and you're not even money!The camera moves to Highrider.
Highrider: And Big Daddy Cool, Weisel, you, my friend, are the man I modeled my persona after. You were the coolest wrestler I had ever known, but now you've degenerated into a washed-up, asslicking bastard who doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut. Diesel, you're going to have a helluva time getting to that US Heavyweight Title, because Diesel, my friend...I'm one of the best wrestlers anyone has ever known. Right now, though, I'm Johnny's manager. But here's a shocker: I am coming BACK for ONE match against you.Johnny looks at him like he just farted in church.
Highrider: That's right! ONE MATCH ONLY, and I want it for MONDAY NIGHT MASSACRE! This oughtta be one highly publicized shindig, my friend, because it will mark the day that Highrider beats his most influential person, 1-2-3, in the middle of the ring. We know that the Cowboys From Hell want a match with you, but there's plenty of time for us to get our shots at you. Well, boys, maybe you shouldn't have been such assholes when you got here, and you wouldn't have teams cramming to shove crowbars up your asses. Let's get it on, sucka! The Vegas Connection...WE ARE SO MONEY!!!The camera fades as Johnny just smiles in amazement at Highrider. They get ready to leave.
Johnny: One match only, eh? Well, I hope you beat the snot out of that wannabe poser bastard. Highrider: You know, I've almost forgotten about your match with Viper-X.Johnny: Oh, yeah, me too! Ah, he's not worth remembering. I'm gonna tar and feather him in front of several million people. Don't worry about it.Johnny and Highrider get in the BMW and begin the trip home, where Johnny will undoubtedly make Highrider go home for once...
Fan #1: Hey, Highrider! Can you sign this picture for me? Highrider: Look at that, Johnny, people can't wait to get my autograph now that I'm active in the UWF! Who's laughin' now, Johnny?Johnny: I am. You just signed a picture of me.Highrider: Whoa! Deja vu! Here ya go, kid, we're not chargin' for these pictures this time around, so you get the best of both worlds. A Johnny Vegas picture signed by Highrider.Fan #1: I can't wait for your match against Diesel! Are you really coming back full time?!Highrider: Well, don't hold yer breath, kid. I'm coming back for one match with "Big Fatty Drool" Weasel, then it's back to managerialship for me. Unless we decide to take the tag titles, maybe further down the road, that'll happen.Johnny: Yeah, and don't you worry about the other tag teams around here. We're heads and shoulders above the rest.Fan #2: (Handing Johnny a picture to autograph)What about The Council? They said they'd crush you if you got in the way of their titles.Johnny: Aw, let 'em have the tag titles for now. They can stop worryin' about us for the time being, we're not gonna go after the tag titles until we're both ready, and right now, I'm busy winning the World Title and Tommy here is busy with uh...What the hell are you busy with?Highrider: Uh, I'm busy managing Johnny's sputtering career.Johnny: Sputtering...I'll show you sputtering....Here ya go, kid.Fan #2: Thanks!Fan #3: Highrider! Is Diesel gonna kick your ass?Highrider: Hey, that's my line, kid! Of course he's not gonna kick my ass. He should be kissin' my ass, though, so maybe I won't lay such a big-ass beating on him when I finally meet him on Monday. You gotta understand somethin' about Diesel. He's old. And he farts a lot. I'm young--Johnny: And you fart a lot.Highrider: Exactly. He's old and I'm young. I may have tried to model myself after him a little, but it's time I take my purple boots and shove them both up Weasel's ass. You got somethin' that needs signin' kid?Fan #3: Yeah, this old UCW picture of the Vegas Connection. You guys ruled! You're the best tag team I've ever seen! I can't wait until you get in the tag title mix. I know you're busy right now, though. Well, Johnny, how come everyone says they're gonna be World Champ soon? Don't they know that you're going to be the champ, and no one is gonna take that belt from you?Johnny: Wow, kid, I need you around when I cut promos. Yeah, that's true. Everyone from Scott Michaels, who I respect, to Chris Benoit and HBK, people who I hope plummet to severe injury someday, want a shot at my future title. Everyone will get a shot, but here's the catch: No one will win the title.Fan #3: Thanks, dudes!Fan #4: I think HBK is a threat to you, though, Johnny. I mean, you're good, but HBK...He's HBK!Johnny: HBK is a total crock. I looked up to him a long time ago. But now, I'm Johnny Vegas. I don't need him. Sure, he kinda motivated me to be the best, which I am, but it's time I showed that a-hole who's boss around the UWF. Shawn was never my "idol." I just liked the guy. He was talented, but look at him now. He's trying to make me not fight him! And he's a total schizo, too, because one minute, he's saying I'm talented as hell, then, he says that I suck.Highrider: Which way diddee go? Which way diddee go?Johnny: For reals. And then he says I "love him like a father." I think he loves Diesel like a horny housewife from Sweden.Fan #4: OK, but Diesel! Diesel is so cool! How are you gonna beat him?Highrider: Geez, kid, are you employed by the Two Dudes With Quaaludes or something? Plus, I already went over this. Sure I modeled myself after Diesel. That doesn't mean that I like him. He's got a good character. But as far as wrestling skills go, he's one of the worst I've ever seen. His arsenal of moves consists of an uppercut and a powerbomb.Johnny: Whereas your arsenal consists of an uppercut, a powerbomb, and a chokeslam.Highrider: Exactly. Except I have about 20 more moves in my arsenal. Man, I can't wait to lift Diesel up in the air and drill him with the Highrider Hangover! He's gonna be 0-1 in singles competition. What a little sh-t.Fan #5: (Giving them pictures to sign) Whoa, hey, dudes! I gotta question for ya. Who do you guys think threaten you?Highrider: Nobody threatens us, man! Since we are so money, no one is able to intimidate us.Johnny: So true! Two money guys like us aren't intimidated by washed-up old guys! We're young and come from a background that we had total control over. We've been lucky growing up, but now luck has nothing to do with it. It's skill, baby!Highrider: Yeah, man. Shawn and Diesel have no skill. They come here running off the fumes of past accomplishments and think that's gonna help 'em here. These guys aren't even real anymore. A couple of fake bastards who, like was stated before, I hope plummet to severe injury someday.Fan #5: Thanks for signin' this, guys! You guys RULE!Fan #6: Hi, guys! Wow, this is so cool! You guys are so money! Haha!Highrider: Thanks, kid. We know. Ya got somethin' that need signin'?Fan #6: Yeah, this old UCW shirt! I bought it at the first show I'd ever seen Johnny in.Johnny smiles at the shirt, as it brings back some memories of his early days.
Johnny: Cool, kid.Fan #6: I think you're totally gonna kill Viper-X on Friday and win that title. I hope you do a number on Viper, even though you guys are, well, kinda friends.Johnny: Don't you worry about it, man, my quote-endquote "friendship" with Viper-X isn't gonna stand in my way of the title. In fact, we don't have much of a frienship anymore. He's kind of an asshole now. Almost fully developed into the "queer" stage. He is SO gonna feel the jackpot. It's gonna be the match of the century. I hope the UWF highly publicizes this, and I hope those camera shots make it look like we're fighting right in your living room. This is gonna be the greatest.
Johnny and Highrider both sign the shirt and give it back to the kid, who happily departs.
Highrider: Man, doesn't it seem like everyone in the UWF wants a piece of the Two Dudes with Quaaludes? Johnny: (Signing more autographs) Yes, an acute observation, my friend. You have done well. Ya know, if Big Fatty Drool and The Fartbreak Squid weren't such assholes all the time, they might earn some respect around here. They obviously think that allies don't count around here. Well, I got news for them, even the Vegas Connection has allies in the Insiders and hopefully that "Ace" Burnett guy. One can not destroy an entire fed single-handedly. I sure hope the Cowboys From Hell do a number on those egotistical bastards.Highrider: Well, we're egotistical bastards, too.Johnny: Yes, yes, but egotistical in a ...good way, you see. Egotistical in a way that fans like. I don't think many fans want us to plummet to our death in a fatal helicopter accident, but that's the word on the street about HBK and Diesel. Don't worry about it, we're gonna come out of our matches smelling like roses and without a scratch.Highrider: Good call, my friend.Johnny glances up at a TV set and sees Viper-X beginning an interview segment.
Johnny: Whoa, everyone! There's that pansy bastard I'll be fighting this Friday!The fans and The Vegas Connection watch Viper's emotional interview in complete silence...cheeyah, right! There is a chorus of boos and slurs towards Viper-X throughout the interview.
Johnny: (standing on a table) Ahem, ahem, excuse me, everyone, I have an announcement that needs making! Viper-X...has officially turned into a queer. Listen to me, people! He assaulted a fan! He's just like Vampire and Raver back in the day, attacking defenseless citizens! He lit a toy on fire!Highrider: Yeah, and by the looks of it, that store has a really sensitive sprinkler system. I don't think a flaming action figure would set it off at any normal store.Johnny: So when you guys go to watch me beat Viper-X into Hell, remember his lame interviews, which are peppered with the very immature phrase "little bitch," and boo the sh-t outta him!Random Fan: Yeah! Kick his ass, Johnny!Johnny: Oh, that I will, my loyal fans! Not only has Viper-X proved that I am so much more mature than he is, but that I also don't have to rely on assaulting defenseless citizens to make a point! So go forth, my loyal fans, and spread the word! Viper is a small-nutted peon who is in urgent need of a beating, and I will supply it this Friday! This "no-talent bastard," as he so delicately put it, will experience a stunning loss that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that I AM the whole F'n show!Highrider: Um, Johnny, that might be a copyrighted ECW phrase...Johnny: Oh, shit, yeah, huh? Um, apologies to Rob Van Dam...okay, We'll still be here signing autographs for a while, just be sure you and your friends show your loyalty to me by buying some of these Johnny Vegas and Highrider T-shirts, and by brutally beating any of your friends who support Viper-X! Good day!Johnny receives a huge ovation from the large gathered crowd. They truly show their support for him. Johnny and Highrider continue signing autographs for their legions of fans in Las Vegas throughout the afternoon, before going home and discussing the current state of politics over sweetened tea and a game of backgammon. Pshh, yeah, right. Here's the real deal: They go get drunk afterwards.
Johnny Vegas and Highriderare jus' chillin' at Johnny's mansion, as usual, because Highrider seems to forget he has his own place. They're watching some old UCW, PTW, and nIo tapes of The Vegas Connection whippin' ass and takin' names. Well, maybe not takin' names, as I'm sure they don't really give a damn -- sh-t. Well, here's Johnny and Highrider.
Johnny: Check it out! Here's that tag team battle royal we were in! I seem to remember you being thrown out, but I stayed in and got us the tag team belts.Highrider: Man, I was piss-drunk that night and I'd just gotten laid, I pretty much stumbled over the top rope all by myself.Johnny clicks fast forward and goes to the end of the battle royal.
Johnny: Whoa--whoa, check it out! ... JACKPOT, BABY! That was so money! And over the top Alex Connors goes, there we are, The Vegas Connection, ready to take on Total Devastation!They sit watching the major ass kicking they lay on a the spectacular team of Total Devastation, Maxx Gunn and Psychosimmatic. Eventually, both Johnny and Highrider hit their finishers and make a double cover, making them tag team champions of the world. Or, at least, of the UCW.
Highrider: Wow, man! I'm actually startin' to be happy that the prez booked us in that big Tag Team match. At least there's some competition there.Johnny: Yeah, majorly. All the teams are great..well, all with the exception of the Two Dudes With Smellyshoes, Big Fatty Drool and The Fartbreak Squid. But hey, we beat the hell outta them, then we take on the good teams. I got nothin' against the Cowboys From Hell and The Council...even though the counsel is a little weird...Highrider: Hey, "Cowboys From Hell" is one of my favorite songs.Johnny: (dark voice) You see us coming and you alltogether run for cover...Highrider: We're taking over this town...Johnny: Here we come, reach for your gun and you better listen well my friend, you see...uh, I forgot the rest...Hey, let's get outta here. We have the whole city of Las Vegas as our playground.Highrider: Agreed. Why don't we just walk the streets of daytime Las Vegas?Johnny: Man, daytime Las Vegas...been a while since I walked around Vegas in the daytime. I wonder if there will actually be any people outside?Highrider: Oh, none, right now, but as soon as we step out that door, millions of them will suddenly materialize and clog the sidewalks.Johnny and Highrider step out of the house and into the rather full Las Vegas streets.
Johnny: Nice day.Highrider: Oh, yeah? Well, I farted.Johnny: Oh, shit, man, and there's a woman with a baby carriage behind you and everything.They begin to walk faster as the woman behind them makes a sudden turn. After a while, they are spotted by a UWF cameraman getting in his car.
Cameraman: Hey, Johnny! Tommy!Johnny: Oh, uh, hey, cameradude...(whispering to Highrider) you get the mace and I'll kick him in the groin.Cameraman: Hey, man! Do you guys like, mind if I ask you a few questions? Remember, all cameramen in the UWF double as interviewers!Highrider: Lucky us.Johnny: Go ahead, man, shoot.The cameraman whips out a microcassette recorder.
Cameraman: You guys certainly seem to be on everyone's hit list, especially you, Johnny. What do you have to say?Johnny: Um, I had sex last night, and this chick had the biggest mou--Cameraman: No! I mean about you guys being targeted!Johnny: Oh, I see. Well, yeah, I guess that's the price you pay when you're the best. Everyone wants to be the one to say, "I took Johnny Vegas down!" or "I took Highrider down!" Then everyone wants a shot at my future World Title, and I mean everyone! Don't these guys realize that there are other belts in this federation? At this rate, I'll be defending the belt every single night and there will still be guys challenging for it. I guess you could say I have a bullseye right on my nuts.Highrider: That one chick told me it was only a growth.Johnny: Will you shut...we're on tape, dammit!Cameraman: Do you guys have any words for the Two Dudes With Attitudes that you want me to pass along?Johnny: Yes, I do. Ahem..."Poop."Highrider: And "boobs." Maybe "vaginal fluids."Cameraman: You guys know what I mean.Johnny: Oh, yeah, sure. Well, we don't have much to say that hasn't been said. The Dudes are queers, plain and simple. Highrider is going to kick Diesel's ass, and we're going to destroy them in that four-corners tag team match.Cameraman: Speaking of which, you guys are going to have a big night this Monday. You are part of the four-corners tag team match, Highrider has a singles match, and Johnny will probably be defending his World Title. Do you think you have what it takes to pull out a 100% victory night?Highrider: Come on, we have more than it takes. But I think Johnny and I really just want to win our singles matches.Johnny: I mean, the Tag Team match is something we're gonna work really hard to win, because we want to be Tag Champs sooner or later, but we won't be devastated if say, some team cheats and we lose. Pissed, sure, but devastated, no.Cameraman: And why is that?Johnny: Because, look. I'm a soon-to-be World Champ. Highrider only wanted to come back for one match, for the time being. The Tag Titles would be cool to hold, because it would mark the fourth time in history we've been Tag Team Champions, but it's something that can wait until later on down the road. Doesn't mean we're not going to try, though! If we can just come out of this match with a pin over The Dudes, we'll be happy.Cameraman: I see. What do you think about the teams in that match?Johnny: Well, obviously, The Dudes can go to hell and be concubines there for all we care. The other two teams we respect. I don't want to say something to them like "We're going to f-ck you up, Cowboys and Council, because we are that damn good!" I mean, we can beat them, but we're not gonna try to hurt them. Highrider: Well, unless they like, really piss us off.Johnny: It's gonna be a good match.Cameraman: Well, we all know your thoughts on Viper-X from the promo appearance you guys were at last night. So, we don't have to deal with him.Johnny: Thank God. He's impotent anyway, I think.Cameraman: With all the new talent flooding the UWF, who do you think is going to go places in this fed?Johnny: You already know I predict big things from "Ace" Burnett, but another guy who I think is great is Castor Russ. That sh-t was the funniest sh-t I'd seen in a long time.Highrider: Yes, the "Vegas Connection Reunion" was definitely in the cards for him. The guy's obviously great on the mic. Time will tell if he's good in the ring, but he's great on the stick.Johnny: He's not on the official Roster list yet, though, so I don't even know if he's going to sign here, but he's definitely a funny guy. I think he definitely fits the role of a great character. Really goes well with the Vegas Connection's style...A man walking by notices the tape recorder, and walks up to it.
Man: Last night, a chick blew me and I nutted on her face!He quickly runs off.
Cameraman: Oh, real mature, you asshole!...Ah, he's a fellow cameraman. Highrider: Want us to make him eat his own pubic hair?Cameraman: No thanks, he does that anyway.Johnny and Highrider grimace as the cameraman thanks them and drives away. The Vegas Connection make a turn into a nearby grill for a bite to eat and maybe a few beers. They are immediately flocked by a dozen guests. I said flocked!
The lights in the arena go down at the UWF show. Suddenly, over the P.A. system roars "Sexy Boy," Shawn Michael's music!
Announcer: Up at the entrance there, it's...it's the Two Dudes With Attitudes! Wait...waitaminute! That's...that's Johnny Vegas and Highrider! Whoa, those are stunning costumes, I mean, I thought it was really the Sexy Boy and Diesel themselves! Well, we are in Las Vegas for this particular show, and here come the Vegas Connection! Um, well, they're still at the entrance...Johnny's dancing around and Highrider is walking....um, very slowly...while rubbing that right fist of his...After a while "Shawn Michaels" and "Diesel" finally get into the ring, where "Diesel" just stands there, with his tongue hanging out and rubbing his hand. It must be sore or something. "Shawn" dances around the ring before going down for his trademark pose, and I do mean going down.
Johnny: AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!! My bad back! I think I strained it! OOh, sh-t!"Diesel" helps "Shawn" to his feet. Both of them receive microphones.
Johnny: That's right, we're the Two Dudes With Finger Foods, Big Ratty Mule and The Fartbreak Squid!Highrider: Hey, do that thing where we call Johnny and Highrider the "Dick-Ass Connection" and "Bonny Vegas," and "Manrider!"Johnny: No, Diesel, we got too many complaints that those parody names were poorly thought out and just plain stupid!Highrider: (hanging his head in shame) But I thought of those names...Johnny: Yup, well, you are a big dumb retard! Whoo, I'm gonna rock Vegas's chin, baby! ... Uh, wait a minute...Ya know, when I say "rock Vegas's chin," it kinda makes me sound like I'm a queer, huh?Highrider: Yeah! Right on, dude!"Diesel" and "Shawn" attempt a high five, but when "Shawn" jumps to high five "Diesel," he overshoots and crashes into the turnbuckle, much to the fans laughter.
Highrider: Manrider, you're nothing but a fat bastard, and I'm DEAD SEXY! .... Wait, doesn't Fat Bastard actually say that? Wow, haha, I bet I looked like a fool during that autograph session!Johnny: yup, and so did that fan! Highrider is obviously packed with a lot more muscle than your fat, overgrown ass! Haha, score!Highrider: Good one, little man!Announcer: Well, at least Johnny and Highrider are capturing the true personalities of The Dudes...I mean, the Dudes really are the most annoying, egotistical bastards I have ever had the displeasure of working with.Highrider: Ya know, Manrider--Johnny: Diesel, will you stop saying that? It's so unoriginal!Highrider: I'm sorry. Highrider, I'm gonna jackknife you twice for that fan at the library!Johnny: No offense, big man, (dancing the whole time he's talking) but you, my friend, couldn't jack off twice, much less jackknife twice! I mean, maybe back in the day, but nowadays, you're a weak puss!Highrider: I don't care, HBK, I got more to say. Anyway, I bet no girls have ever even looked twice at you.Johnny: Of course not, Big D! Highrider is so sexy, the women only look once and then can't look away!Highrider: OK, well, damn..that's true..Anyway, Highrider, you big copycat! Your finisher is the same as mine! And that makes me very angry!Johnny: Dude, you big, retarted slug, didn't I tell you in the back?! Highrider's finisher is called the "Highrider Hangover," not the Jackknife! And it's not just a weak powerbomb like yours, he actually picks them up, spins, and drives them downward in a pinning combination! You ass!Highrider: Oh, yeah, well, I bet that my mentioning another tag team not even in this federation really makes us look cool! Edge & Christian! Edge & Christian!Johnny: Bastard! Shutup! That's not gonna get us any ratings! I mean, we'll probably get a lawsuite slapped on our asses now!Highrider: Dammit, I can't get anything right! Well, it looks like Manr--...I mean, Highrider...is just gonna hafta beat my ass on Monday and get it over with! I can't compete with him. I'm sorry, Shawn, but maybe you can compete with Johnny Vegas!Johnny: Lord knows I'll try!!! Anyway, Johnny, you know that I'm still your idol! You have to look up to me, because I said so! Yes, that's right, Johnny, I control your mind! Like it or not, you still look up to me!! You have no control--Highrider: Shawn, shut the F-CK up!Johnny: Sorry...kinda got lost in the moment...like that one time I got lost in my house, remember, and then I saw that litte boy and--Highrider: Just get on with it.Johnny: Vegas, pretty soon, you're gonna be dancin' to some Sweet Chin Music!!Highrider: I was not aware your heel actually made music you could dance to...Johnny: Um...shutup, Diesel, you're makin' me look bad...Yeah, and Johnny, you're absolutely right! You're talented! I mean, you suck! I mean...you--you're talented! AGH! No, you suck!! AAAIIIEEE!Highrider: Calm down, Shawn! Just go with your first instincts and say he's talented! Johnny: I can't TAKE it anymore! These guys make so much more sense than us! I mean, we're pitifully unoriginal and untalented! Let's just lay down for them, okay? I'm scared, Diesel, I'm scared!Highrider: Shut up, Shawn, I got one more thing to say, and so do you...With that, Johnny pulls of his wig and his red leather cut-off gloves, and pulls a yellow headband fromt the side of his tights, and puts it on. Highrider takes off his leather jacket to reveal a "Highrider Hangover" shirt, then removes that one stupid black glove, gets rid of the black shades, and climbs the ropes with both arms in the air, as does Johnny.
Johnny: Two Dudes With Quaaludes, you absolutely suck, as we've just proven! I already know what you're gonna say, "Oh, The Vegas Connection wants to be just like us, see?! They idolize us, blah blah blah, I have a tiny penis..." HBK and Diesel, we haven't wanted to be like you since we hit the big time on our own, so just open your eyes, and shut your damn mouths!! You've got no time left, so just get the hell out of this federation before everyone here ambushes you in your dressing room and THROWS you out!Johnny and Highrider raise their arms in the air to a chorus of cheers before leaving to the back.
Johnny Vegas and Highrider arrive at Highrider's house after the UWF show, laughing their asses of as they stroll in the front door.
Johnny: Oh, man, I don't care what the Dudes come up with against that, I mean, nothing can get me down right now. That was the greatest promo we have ever cut. Oh, man, I bet they jump on that sh-t right away, better turn the TV on to the that UWF promo show.Highrider turns on his big-screen TV with tower stereo speakers just as the UWF promo show comes on.
Highrider: I got drinks in the fridge. I don't have a fancy-schmancy bar like yours, sorry.Johnny: Oh, so THAT'S why you're always over at my place. Hey, at least you got a leather couch and a recliner. That, a TV, and a cold brew are all ya really need.Johnny tosses Highrider an ice-cold Coors and sits down. They crack open the "devil's brew" and enjoy them to the various interviews, promos, and highlights of the past week's action.
Highrider: Well, it looks like the Dudes gave up.Oooh, ooh, oooooh! I think I'm cute! I know I'm sexy!...
Johnny: Oh, not so fast, Tommy, there's the music! And there, yes, there is the Heartbreak Hotel. This oughtta be interesting.Johnny and highrider listen intently to the beginning of the interview, and can't help but smile at the weak attempt of a comeback promo that the Dudes are cutting.
Johnny: HAH! I told you! I told everyone!! The first thing they said is that we want to be like them! Oh, man, oh, man, this is too good. You know you're better than your opponents when you can totally predict what they're gonna say.A bit more of the interview.
Highrider: OK, now we've got the typical "I'm gonna break your back" part, well, I guess they're entitled to that, even though it isn't true...A little more of the interview.
Johnny: And here comes the slew of "gay" jokes, which no immature 15-year-old boys cutting promos should be without. And there seems to be an awful lot of them. Geez...A little longer...
Highrider: These...gay jokes...are they intentionally trying to gross people out while at the same time making themselves look really, really stupid?Johnny: As much as I hate to say it, no. It's just a telltale sign that they've run out of things to talk about. Ah, oh, ooh, here come the cardboard cutouts!!Highrider: Man, these guys are desperate! Sh-t! The ol' cardboard cutout interview! Man, this is too easy. After watching the interview, they just sit back and smile.
Johnny: I've never heard so many pitiful gay sex jokes in my life.Highrider: And all rolled up in a pathetic "cardboard cutout" interview. And of course, Diesel kept rubbin' that ol' hand of his. Maybe it's sore from jackin' it, I don't care what he says.Johnny: Let's go over to the studio. I got an idea. They wanna play games, we'll...cut another promo against them.Johnny and Highrider make their exit from the house and climb aboard Highrider's lifted 1998 Chevy Truck. Highrider floors it to the UWF Las Vegas Studio. Upon entering the studio parking lot, Johnny tells Highrider he's gonna get some shit together, and for him to park the truck. Highrider sloppily parks the truck in a compact parking space and hopes no dingbat tries to get on either side of him. He heads in.
Johnny: Okay, Ned, Darrel, and Tina, here's the skinny on what's goin' down. This might take a little while to organize, Tommy, get in on this. Here's what we're gonna do....Let's fast forward here, as it's gonna take Johnny a little time to set this up, and well, it'll probably be very uninteresting to you all. So....yep....how bout that XFL, huh?................Ah, it looks like they're ready!
The scene fades in with Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" (this song) in the background. Johnny and Highrider are sitting in antique-looking Olde English style chairs, with monacles and fancy old brown suits on. Johnny is smoking one of those curvy, Sherlocke Holmes-style pipes and reading a thick, dusty book which has a limp, gold bookmark protruding from the top. There is a heavy oak door behind them, and a fireplace not too far from that. The style is very reminiscent of the setting of an old mansion with snooty English gentlemen running the place.
Johnny: (In an "old man" English accent.)Hello, and welcome to "Mah-stah-piece Thee-ay-tuh." Today, we will be taking a look at...the Two Dudes...With Finger Foods, the Heartache Kid and Big Nasty Stool. For those of you who don't know, "stool" can also mean the same thing as feces. That goes out to you, Weasel. Now, then. As if no one out there actually knew this, The Two Dudes...are queers.Highrider: (In almost exact same voice) Hah hah hah...Scoff, scoff, Johnny, my boy! I'm sure everyone out there already knew of this! On with the show then, jolly good!Johnny: Ahem. Right-o, then, lad! Now, then...My good friend Highrider here is going to show us all what the difference between Diesel's "Jackknife" powerbomb and the much-acclaimed "Highrider Hangover." Notice I am not making references to anyone or anyone's finisher from any other federation, as that would make for bad ratings!Johnny and Highrider let out terribly fake "refined old men" laughs.
Highrider: Now, then, lads, here...Is the difference between the two finishing maneuvers. Tina, Tina, my dear, come here, then.He and Tina walk over to a well-padded area where Highrider puts her in powerbomb position.
Highrider: Are you liking this much, Tina?Tina: Yes! Although two very large oranges or something of that magnitude are resting on the back of my neck!Highrider: Exactly, my dear! Now, then, Johnny, and the rest of the world watching this...THIS is the "Jackknife Powerbomb." Highrider executes a perfect jackknife powerbomb onto the well-padded surface.
Highrider: Tina, my dear, how do you feel?Tina: I feel...wonderful! That kind of got rid of that annoying pain in my back! Thank you!Highrider: And now, Tina, get in that same position--Tina: Gladly!--so you can experience the Highrider Hangover!Highrider lifts her up over the padded area, then spins around and lands on his ass while driving her back into the padded ground.
Tina: (totally selling the move) Oh, my God! The agony! The Jackoff--er, Jackknife Powerbomb was nothing compared to the noteworthy pain I am experiencing right now! Oh, dear God, willst someone kill me now?? The agony!!! Highrider: You will notice, ahem, "Dudes," that in the end of the Highrider Hangover, I landed on my posterior while the opponent landed on her latissimus muscle, more appropriately...uh, some muscle in the back. There you have it, the complete difference between our two finishers! Hup hup, hoo-ray!Johnny and the backstage crew give a light smattering of applause. Highrider sits back down in his chair.
Johnny: Jolly good show, lad! Right entertaining! Now then, shall we continue to insult and humiliate the Two Dudes With Quaaludes further?Highrider: Yes, let's!Johnny: Yes, now then! Before I unmercifully attack all of the "gay" jokes that transpired during the Dudes' interview, I want to talk about "unoriginality." Now, then. Shawn Michaels and Diesel. Two former superstars in another federation, who, probably against contract in other federations, walked into the UWF and started spouting off gay jokes. Ahem.Highrider: Yes! How unoriginal is that? The Vegas Connection take originality to a whole new level! Let me assure you that whatever happens, the Vegas Connection thought of it first!Johnny: Good show, lad. And now, let us talk about one of the Dudes' obsessions, homosexuality and their penchant for "gay" jokes. Highrider, will you be reading PlayGirl and ...excuse my poor language..."cumming" in my hand tonight?Highrider: Oh, Johnny, you have just no idea how childish and desperate you appear when you say that!!!Johnny: Yes, my point exactly, Sir Thomas. "Dudes," I suggest that you be a tad bit more sophisticated when you deal with us. As you can see, my poorly misguided bastard children, we are far superior to you in every way. And please, Weisel, stop rubbing your hand all the time. It just looks gross.Highrider: Hark! What do I hear, but the voices of The Two Dudes With Attitudes!Johnny: Yes! come, let us open the door and let them in!Johnny opens the door behind them and brings in two cardboard cut-outs of Shawn and Diesel.
Highrider: Well, I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle, Johnny! If it isn't Shawn and Diesel!Johnny: No, my friend. They are only cardboard cutouts! Come, let us treat them like real people and expect them to talk to us! Ahem, Shawn, if your penis is less than a quarter of an inch in diameter, please say nothing at all. This goes for you, too, Diesel.....................
Johnny: Ah, yes, just what I thought!Highrider: Johnny, do you know know how unoriginal and boring this is to our viewers?Johnny: Of course, of course! I'm sure that's what the general population was thinking when the Dudes did it!Highrider: Oh, oh, jolly good show, lad! Bleeding brilliant! You really had me for a while there!Johnny: And now, it is time to bid adieu to Mah-stah-piece Thee-ay-tah. We had a right wonderful time being here with you, but it is time we go watch the telly to see what kind of homosexual nonsense the Dudes will come up with this time.Highrider: Yes, I hate to say goodbye, but we must patiently wait for Shawn and Diesel to try to one-up us!! But be wary, lads, you will not be able to! All right then, buh-bye! We will see you all on Monday! Johnny: Cheers!The red light turns off as the camera fades out.
Some backstage guy: Hahhaha! Oh, sh-t, I almost pissed myself, that was so funny.Cameraman: Almost? Man, you guys can come cut a promo here whenever you want, I can't wait for the next one. Oh, neither can we, dude, neither can we. Let's all go home and watch T.V., watching and waiting for the Dudes to come back at us!Johnny and Highrider go to change out of their costumes. The end. Sh-t, this thing was long.
Johnny Vegas and Highrider are seen cruisin' in Johnny's convertible '65 purple and black Mustang. They've just seen The Dudes' interview and are headin' to the studio.
Johnny: Well, you have to give the Dudes credit. They're not backing down.Highrider: Nope. Well, I guess they're tired of the fun and games already. Well, that's OK, they were never good at it anyway. I have a feeling the Nielsen ratings went way down during their interview.Johnny: Yeah. Well, here we are, ya ready?Highrider: Man, I was born ready for this kind of stuff.The Vegas Connection get out of the car where they are "greeted" by Krittler.
Krittler: I jus' want y'all to know that I don't have to do this! I hat y'alls guts and just wanna piece of ya, is all!Johnny: Yeah, you hate our guts, yadda yadda yadda...you got a tag team partner or what?Krittler. Yeah. He's 6'8" 295 pounds of pure muscle.Johnny: What's his name?Krittler: Bumble Boy.Johnny and Highrider look at him in disbelief and hold back their laughter.
Krittler: *sigh*...I TRIED to talk him out of it, but he's in there.....dressed like a bee....Johnny and Highrider finally bust loose with laughter. A big guy with yellow and black striped tights turns the corner.
Bumble Boy: You guys ready, or what?Highrider: Yeah, man, go on in. We'll be there in a second.Johnny: Ah, geez, (tears rolling down his eyes and still chuckling) Shawn and Diesel are probably gonna have a field day with this shit. Too bad we couldn't get better wrestlers.They head in, talk with the staff for a second, and head out back where a regulation ring has been set up in accordance to Johnny's wishes. Johnny gets in view of the camera.
Johnny: OK, Two Dudes, seems to me that we beat you at the joke game, and you still have some reservations about just how good we really are. We talk the talk, but don't walk the walk sort of thing, right? Well, Dudes, We realize that our brilliant comedic interviews are fun to watch, but they don't display our wrestling skills. This, however, will. I've arranged an exhibition match here at the UWF Las Vegas Studio, pitting the Vegas Connection against Krittler and his uh, friend, "Bumble Boy." Yeah, I know, damn, what a name, huh? Bottom line is, I know these guys aren't in your league, but what do you expect, for me to ask some of the biggest names in wrestling to come down here for an exhibition match just so Vegas and Highrider can brag? Come on. Just watch and we'll show you what we can do.Tony Hendrix and Scott McCormack sit down at a makeshift announcers table set to call the action.
Tony: Well, there's the bell, it looks like Johnny Vegas is going to start things off against Krittler! Johnny and Highrider have a past with Krittler, mainly consisting of Krittler getting his brains beat in whenever they meet. Krittler locks up with Johnny Vegas. Johnny with a knee to the gut, and an irish whip to the ropes. Krittler comes off the ropes and gets a flying dropkick! Krittler up again, Johnny with a clothesline back down. This Johnny Vegas sure is quick, huh, Scott?
Scott: You can say that again, Tony. Johnny gets whipped into the corner, in comes Krittler with a splash. Johnny sucks it up and throws Krittler into the same corner, and just starts wailing on his chest! The ring crew, technicians, cameramen, and a few others enjoying the match scream "Whooooo!" whenever Johnny hits a chop.
Tony: Johnny Vegas with a snapmare and a dropkick to the back of Krittler's head! That's gotta hurt! Johnny goes up to the top rope, and Krittler rises to his feet. Johnny off the top with a BIG flying clothesline! Krittler rolls back into his corner and tags in Bumble Boy. Bumble Boy may look funny, but he's 6'8" and a muclebound monster!Scott: Yeah, but I don't think that counts for much with Johnny Vegas! Johnny with a drop toe-hold on Bumble Boy and an elbowdrop to the back! Johnny tags in Highrider! Here we go! Johnny whips Bumble Boy to Highrider, who gives him a strong knee to the gut. Bumble Boy rolls over Highrider's knee and right out to the announce table! The Vegas Connection smile at Bumble Boy, and now Krittler attacks them! Johnny gets pushed over the top rope, but Highrider wraps a big hand around Krittler's throat and tosses him into the turnbuckle. Highrider with huge knees to the gut, Krittler slides down to a sitting position in the ropes and Highrider is just stomping the hell out of him!Tony: Krittler's not even the legal man! Johnny, meanwhile on the outside, is ramming Bumble Boy's face into the steel steps! He tosses Bumble Boy in and Highrider gets him in powerbomb position. He lifts him up, and hey, Johnny's on the top rope! Johnny flies off with a holding clothesline around Bumble Boy's neck as Highrider slams Bumble Boy down on the mat! The ref is trying to maintain order here, Johnny and Kritter go to their respective corners and Bumble Boy is out. Highrider is just playin' with him, now. Highrider puts Bumble Boy on the top rope backwards, and whoa, grabs him around the throat from the second rope and chokeslams him off and down! Bumble Boy is really out of it.Scott: Highrider--he's rolling Bumble Boy to Krittler and tagging in Johnny! Johnny vaults over the top rope as Bumble Boy weakly tags Krittler. Krittler charges and Johnny with a boot to the midsection and a DDT! Johnny whips Krittler into the ropes and gives him a BIG hurricanrana! Krittler flies all the way into the ropes and gets a little tangled before finally staggering to his feet. Johnny with a solid shot to the mouth stuns him a little more, then puts him on the top turnbuckle. Johnny looks like he's gonna give Krittler a big, big superplex right here, b--NOOO! He turned it into a DDT! That was the Jackpot off the VERY TOP ROPE!Tony: Oh, man, Krittler could have permanent neck damage after that. Johnny makes the cover, it's all over, 1-2-3! Man, what an awes--whoa! Bumble boy wants some of Vegas! He rushes him, I don't think Bumble Boy knows what he's getting into! Johnny tosses him into a turnbuckle and tags Highrider. Highrider uppercuts Bumble Boy the the ground, the picks him up and--he's got him in powerbomb position! Highrider lifts him up, and YES! He spins and drives him down to the mat with the Highrider Hangover! Bumble boy is out of it. Johnny and Highrider aren't finished! They've grabbed Krittler before the paramedics could get to him! Krittler somehow on his feet, but very, very dazed. He's out of it.Scott: Krittler whipped across into the ropes, Highrider military-presses him and tosses him to Johnny! Johnny spikes Krittler's head into the mat on the way down in The Card Shark! What a lethal tag-team finisher! I don't care if these guys were second-rate wrestlers or not, the Dudes had better watch out come Monday, or whenever these two great teams finally square off one-on-one!Johnny jumps down to the floor and looks into the camera.
Johnny: That's what all the teams can expect from us this Monday. But first and foremost, it's the Dudes who are going to be GONE from the ring! The other teams I have respect for, like I always said since the very first day I came here, Jett is gonna go places. But that doesn't mean we're gonna go easy on anyone! The tag teams are in for the fight of their life!Johnny and Highrider hi-five as they walk out to the waiting Mustang. Paramedics tend to Krittler and Bumble Boy as the scene fades.
Johnny Vegas is seen out behind his mansion by his swimming pool, trying out his new Agfa ePhoto 780c Digital Camera. He's taking pictures of his gorgeous waterfall swimming pool, his lush plants filled with bright, colorful flowers, his full dark green oleanders, his light green white alders, and...the girl next door in her swimming pool. Johnny leans up close to the fence tryin' to sneak a peek.
Highrider: Yo, man!Johnny: Yaaaaaaah!Johnny's new digital camera flies from his hand and he tries desperately to save it, but it's a lost cause. It tumbles from his fingertips and into the clear blue below.
Johnny: DAMMIT!!! Son of a BITCH! Dude, what gives you the right to come over anytime you please and scare the living sh-t outta me?!Highrider: Uh, sorry, dude...Hey, what were you lookin' at through the fence there?Johnny: Uh, oh, uh, nothin'...shit....now I gotta go to the mall to get a new digital camera. You comin?Highrider: Yeah, I guess.Johnny: Man, I should make you pay for the damn thing. Well, I gotta get changed so the people don't flock to us in the mall.Highrider: Should I change?Johnny: Who would want to flock to you? We'll take your truck. The least you could do is drive after costing me $220. Highrider: Ah, man, you gotta spend at least $500 if you want a good digital camera. I'll split the cost of a Kodak DC-290--it's like God's gift to digital photography--if you let me borrow it every once in a while.Johnny: Ah, yeah, sure. Lemme go get changed. Watch TV or somethin'.A little while later, Johnny and Highrider arrive at the mall in Highrider's huge lifted metallic blue 1998 Chevy Truck wearing dark shades and mostly black. Highrider has his hair in a long ponytail. After a lot of circling, they find a nice, wide spot and proceed to the big electronics store on the second floor.
Highrider: Ah, and here we are. The Kodak DC-290. 3.3 Megapixel resolution with a 16 megabyte picture card. The king of digital cameras. $800.Johnny: Awesome. Okay, you pay $400.Highrider: That's the deal. You pay tax.Johnny: I pay--Just then they notice a prick called "Prime Time" Jake Mosey walking down the ramp on all of the TV's on one wall of the store. They move to get a better look.
Johnny: Who the hell is this guy?Highrider: Oh, he's that guy that's fighting Ace comin' up soon. Johnny: At least he has good music. Hey, he just mentioned my name.Highrider:....yeah, and now, he's tearin' you apart!Johnny's jaw drops in disbelief.
Johnny: Who in the f-ck does this sh-t think he is?! Go buy an 8mm tape, hurry...Highrider shrugs and departs to comply with Johnny's wish. Johnny watches more of the interview in extreme disbelief that this pathetic nobody is trashing him!
..."You don't go that extra length, while guys like Jag and I do. I was watching some of those tapes and you even have trouble going past half-ass."
By now, Johnny is fuming with fury.
..."I came here to to prove once and for all who the real man of the wrestling industry is, and if that means I must ruin your career along the way, then so be it! You run around with that little punk bitch of yours just asking for a good kick in the ass, and after finishing off the "Ace", you better get somebody other that that little punk to watch your back!"
Highrider comes back with one 8mm tape and hands it to Johnny.
Highrider: One 8mm tape, señor.
Johnny, without saying a word, tears open the package and walks over to the camcorders. He punches some buttons on a top-of-the-line Sony Handycam, then puts the tape in and hands it to Highrider. Highrider already knows what to do. He presses "record."
Johnny: Hah. "Prime Slime" Fake Mosley. You meaningless, pathetic little piece of cat sh-t. You think you can just march into a UWF ring with a microphone and lay waste to the good Vegas name? I don't think you know exactly who you're dealing with. I'm one bad motherf-cker, and simply put, you're not. I "don't go that extra length?!" Jack, I know you just wanna get a little cheap heat from me, and it's not gonna work. If there's anyone in this federation that goes that extra length, it's ME! I'm gonna be future UWF champ soon because I DO go that extra mile. I'm undefeated because I push myself to get that adrenaline flowing to go out there and kick some ass. Jack, you don't even know what going the extra mile is. I work out every day, liftin' weights, joggin', even doing football drills like I did when I was young to keep in shape. And that ain't the half of it, I spend time thinkin' about what I'm gonna do next, be it selecting my next opponent, or figuring out something for my next interview. The interviews and comedic skits and stuff that me and Tommy do? They don't just pop up out of nowhere. I spend time thinkin' about every little detail of them. So you see that I go the extra mile both physically and mentally, and quite honestly, you don't. You're nowhere right now. You come into this federation, built upon the backs of me, Tommy, Jett, the Insiders, Kirucore, and being strengthened by the likes of "Ace" Ace Burnett, Castor Russ, and even Viper-X, who I will beat tomorrow--and you think you run the place? Think again, Jack. Plenty of people here will show your old withered ass that you mean absolutely nothing here. This company has not painted me as a hero. I have become the best here by my own blood and sweat. The UWF is a great federation, but they have not handed me the opportunity to be the best. I've worked for it, and everyone knows that that is the truth! I'm a target for virtually everyone here in the UWF, and you know wny? Because to be the best, you have to beat the best. And everyone wants to be the best. Well, I am the best, and it seems like no one is gonna let me get a moment's rest around here. Fine by me. I'll just have to cram in some major ass-whuppin time between Massacre and Frasier, is all. So Jack, bring it on. Let's see what ya got. You sorry you started sh-t with me? Well, you will be, soon enough. And as for you, Viper-X, I know I haven't paid much attention to you lately...just rest assured that you're not the man meant to carry that title...I AM.
Highrider: Man, that was some intense shit, dude.Fan: I hope you kick that guy's ass, Johnny!Johnny: Rest assured. Now clear out, I got a tape I gotta deliver to the Studio, and then it's off to the airport for Friday Night Fury!The fans cheer as Johnny parts the crowd and goes out to Highrider's truck. They make their way to the Studio. Soon Fury will be upon us, and a new UWF champion will be crowned...Johnny Vegas!!
I AM BEING SH-T ON! THAT'S RIGHT, SH-T ON!
Highrider: I know, dude, that was definitely a crock of shit. Don't worry, though, man, you are so going to win your title on Monday! It's a lock! I mean, you had Viper beat, put a fork in him, he was done! You can do it again!Johnny: No sh-t I can do it again! It's the principle of it! Look, I'm not undefeated here anymore! I'm not the first UWF World Champion like I was meant to be! I do not have the gold around my waist right now because of some unknown piece of shit, Jaguar-F! Why the F-CK do these crackpots stick little letters at the ends of their names?Highrider: Easy, Johnny-V.Johnny: I'm not in the mood. Look, sorry I'm being an asshole, but look at this sh-t!
Highrider: Hey, man, I understand yer meanin'. It sucks to get screwed in a match, but it happens to the best of 'em. As much as I hate to say it, you can't expect every one of your matches to end cleanly. There's always some asshole in the back who wants a piece of you.Johnny: (sighing) F-ck. Ya know, you're right. Everyone in the federation knows that I got screwed and that the title was mine...Viper-X's title is mine. He can just shine it up for me until Monday Night, 'Cause I am gonna crash the jackpot on his ass for the 1-2-3.*GASP!* None of you even know where these guys are at! Well, they're at Johnny's mansion, with the TV turned on to "Backdraft." Of course you know that Johnny is livid about losing the title to that piece of hog vomit, Viper-X. Hark! The doorbell rings!
Highrider: (opening the door) ...Cassie! Hey, babe, what brings you around these parts?Cassie: Well, I do live next door. Oh, I just figured I'd see how Johnny's doin.Highrider: Well, uh, come on it, Johnny, of course, is very very upset at Viper-X and Jaguar-F--Cassie: What, is it like, mandatory for all assholes in the UWF to put a little letter at the end of their name?Johnny: Seems like it. Hiya, Cassie, no matter how down I'm feelin', a visit from you always lifts me right back up. So what's crackin'?Cassie: I saw your match last night, and you kicked ass. I don't care what they say, you kicked Viper-X's ass.Johnny: Yup. That's the truth. I was so money. JEEZ, I can't believe I was robbed!Cassie: How about we all go see "Scary Movie?" That'll lighten you up, huh?Johnny's eyes light up at the proposition. He loves stupid, crude comedies about as much as he loves wrestling. Either that, or he just likes the fact of sitting next to Cassie for an hour and a half.
Johnny: Whattya say, Tommy?Highrider: Say, you guys go on ahead. I'm gonna go down to the studio...do an interview about the matches comin' up. Cassie: Well, Johnny, the next showing is in 20 minutes, we better get outta here. Bye, Tommy!Highrider: Later, babe.Johnny: Go on out to the garage, Cassie, we'll take the Corvette.
She smiles and exits.
Johnny: Hey, thanks, man.Highrider: (smiling) Anytime, man. Good luck. Johnny joins Cassie in the Corvette and Highrider watches them speed away.
Highrider: WOOHOO! Johnny's place...ALL to MYSELF!
All is quiet at The UWF Las Vegas studio. Guys are quietly enjoying coffee reviewing blueprints and agendas, while others tinker with camera equipment. An overall slow day around the studio. Then, everyone seems to notice a slight rumbling sound and very faint music. They think nothing of it until it begins to grow louder. A few people look up and around, with a "what in the hell?" look on their faces, until no one can deny that the studio is rumbling and even shaking a little. Bluesy rock & roll is beginning to fill the air, but no one can explain it! Suddenly, it gets really loud, and they have to see just what in the hell is going on. The music becomes almost deafening and the roaring and rumbling makes it hard for them to hear their own thoughts...They all pour out the door of the studio, and are met with...tires. Huge, black tires. They all begin to look up, and see Highrider leaning out the window of his huge, lifted 1998 light metallic blue Chevy pickup truck with ZZ Top's La Grange blasting through the city. Highrider grins from ear to ear, then revs the truck, shaking the foundation of the building and setting off quite a few car alarms, then parks it. The rumbling dies down and the music stops. Highrider, all 6'11½", 320 pounds of him, climbs out of the truck.
Highrider: What's shakin', everybody?Staff member: The whole friggin' building, man! What the hell do you think you're doing?Highrider: What? This is the studio, right? I thought so. I'm here to cut a promo. Is that okay with all you?..........
Some guy in the back: Duuude! That truck is aaaawesooooome!!Highrider: Shall we?They all walk back into the studio, save for a couple of guys that stick with Highrider.
Some ugly guy: Well, alright, dude? What kind of interview are you gonna do?Highrider: Someone get me a boombox and a beer. I'll be right back.Highrider goes back out to his truck. Let's give everyone a minute to get their sh-t together.
..............................
The scene fades in on a rather nice boombox playing "La Grange" by ZZ Top. Next to it is a beer can, which can be seen as the camera pans outward. A hand enters the scene and picks the beer up. It's revealed to be the hand of Highrider, obviously. He takes a swig of the beer and puts it back down, then turns the volume down so everyone can hear him talk.
Highrider: Oh, hello. Thanks for tuning it to "Highrider's Hangtime."Off-stage voice: Hey, I thought it was going to be called "Highrider's Hangover?"Highrider: Yeah, but then I'd actually have to have a hangover, and--hey, shut up! On to my show. Today, I will be going solo, that means, by myself, do discuss some of the current happenings in the UWF. Actually, I'm just going to rip on a couple guys, and praise another. Ahem, first, my opponent for this Monday, Diesel. Diesel, I see you've kept quiet for a while now, yeah, ever since you witnessed my powerful wrestling ability! A lot more agile for a big man than you thought, huh? Yeah. I am. Diesel, I don't have a whole lot to say to you that hasn't already been said. Plus, you've said nothing that I have to counter, because I've either already countered it before, or you just sounded so stupid saying it that in essence, you countered it yourself. So let me, ah, make up some stuff that, well, that's probably true, I just can't prove it...ummm, Diesel, first off, I hear that you suck in bed. Second, people tell me that when you get nervous, you piss yourself. And, when you really get scared, you proceed to sh-t all over the floor. Plus, you enjoy dry-humping chickens. OK, there, that oughtta make for an interesting interview on your part, go ahead and play with that for a while. On to the next guy who makes me want to puke, a guy called, get this: "The Entertainer" Hawk. Hawk, eh? Was it, "OOOOooooh, what a russssshh" for you to come up with your name? Honestly, I think it's copyright infringement. The L.O.D. may be showing up at your doorstep, too. Plus, I don't like mentioning guys from "The Big Three"--although you like to do it all the time, aparently--but I also think Chris Jericho is going to try to bury you for totally ripping off the first interview he ever cut in that big federation he's from. Then, you characterize me and Johnny as being like Shawn and Diesel, with Johnny being the fast action-packed guy, and me being the big, looming powerhouse. Hmmm...I dunno about you, but when Johnny and I became a tag team, he was 6'4" and I was 6'11½". We kinda had no control over our sizes and abilities...what, you think we were able to model our size and stature after another team? Unless we were metamorphasists, I think we pretty much were set as far as our sizes and speeds went. So why don't you think a little longer before you open your mouth and jam your foot in it? And another thing: Why are you such an asshole? An asshole who acts a helluva lot like Shawn Michaels, too? You gotta understand something. When Johnny gets his title, he's not going to give disrepsectful guys like you a shot at it. No. As hard as it may be to believe, Johnny is first gonna give title shots to guys that deserve it, guys like Jett, Kirucore, and Cellrock. Guys that have paid their dues, who show a little respect and don't just walk in, piss him off, and expect a title shot. So I suggest you clean up your act, Hawk, and that goes for the rest of the guys in the back who badmouth me and Johnny and think you can just get a title shot with a snap of your fingers. You have to remember something: Johnny is gonna be the champion, not you. Johnny decides if you get a shot or not. Who would wanna give a title shot to a whiney little whore who disrepects him? Nobody. Maybe that'll make a little sense to you jerks. Now that I'm off my little verbal tirade, I wanna talk about some guys that I do like around here. I've already made a point that there are respectful guys around here who pay their dues, like Jett, Cellrock, and Kirucore, but there are some other guys around here who I just don't respect, but I like. I see big things in the future for Paul "Ace" Burnett. Sure, he may have come up a little short last night, but I saw a fire in him that I haven't seen from another wrestler for a long time. You're gonna go places, Ace, Johnny has said it before, and I'll say it again. Another guy who's grabbed my attention is Castor Russ. Castor Russ, why, his comedic bullshit is probably even funnier than mine! Castor, I salute you and your dedication to making others laugh their asses off. Why, Castor Russ reminds me of a young man I met one time, a very long time ago... Thank you for joining me on "Highrider's...uh, show"... I forgot the real name...Anyway, Johnny and Cassie are soon to be arriving home from the movies, and I gotta go take a few seconds to clean that grapefruit juice stain off'a his leather couch. Adios!
Johnny pulls up to his mansion around 8:00 at night after a great night, having just seen "Scary Movie" with his neighbor Cassie. He parks the Corvette and goes inside the house. He suddenly lets out a laugh...suffering the aftershocks of Scary Movie.
Johnny: (to himself) Man, I haven't heard so many "gay" jokes since the last promo the Dudes cut!Johnny puts his wallet and keys on the counter, along with his sunglasses. He sits down at his computer and turns it on. He drapes his overshirt over he back of the chair and kicks back while the computer boots up. He logs onto the internet and to www.UWF.com. He scrolls through the news section.
Johnny: Alright. Another award for my kick-ass interviews! ...Viper-X wrestler of the week...*sigh*...He sees a link pointing to the chat transcript of Jaguar-F's brief stay in the UWF chat room. He skims through it.
Johnny: Shit. Dumb bastard costed me my title...
He reads it all, and sees how that Timmy kid won a whole week of "fun" with Jaguar.
Johnny: Hah, 20 people in the room. At least when I was a guest on that chat, I got around 30 people to come.Johnny sighs once more and proceeds to the UWF Message Board where he starts a new string. Here's the message:
Posted by "Johnny_Vegas" at 5:53 P.M. 07/15/00 Hey, all, this is the UWF's very own soon-to-be champion, Johnny Vegas, and I figured I'd pop in to say a few words about Jaguar-F. Jaguar-F seems to be a nice guy overall, but there's just this one teensy-weensy thing that gets on my nerves about him...HE COST ME MY DAMN TITLE! Jaguar-F, I'm gonna do some straight-talk straight out to you, bud. You don't deserve a shot at my title when I win it, because I will win it. You know why you don't deserve a shot? Because you have done nothing here. Guys like Jett and Cellrock and Kirucore who have helped build this federation along with me are sitting there, and no one would give them a shot at the World Title if anyone else was champion but me. I believe in doing what's right, and that's giving title shots to those who deserve it. Do yourself a favor, Jaguar, and watch the interview Highrider did a while ago, he says it all. Jerks don't win favors from me, those who deserve them win favors from me.
Yo, man, Viper-X did an interview while you were at the movies, I just wanted to let you know. He's retiring from the federation after the match Monday, and had a really deep message for you, man. He said it hurt when you dissed him, and all he ever wanted to be was friends. He wants you to kick Jaguar's ass on Monday and says he'll always be there for you. It was deep, man. He's really sorry about the title situation. Maybe you should try to get in touch with him. Later, man.
Ring.....
Ring.....
Ring......
Ring...*click*
Hey, I can't talk right now, leave a message. *beep*
Johnny: Shayne, it's Johnny. I heard about what you said. Look, man, I never meant to f-ck you up when I said those things. I just wanted to fire you up for our match. I wanted you to be at your best so I would have more of a challenge, you know. If I'da known that you were havin' troubles outside the ring, I would have thought about it more. Anyway, I'm sorry, man. Get in touch with me whenever you can. Don't worry, I am gonna be so money when I fight Jaguar! All for you, man. See ya round.Johnny hangs up the phone and just sits there for about two full minutes until the doorbell rings and somewhat startles him. He gets up and it rings again. It rings a whole bunch, creating the "Shave and a haircut" cartoon bit.
Johnny: Dammit Tommy! Hold your ass up!He opens the door to a grinning Highrider.
Highrider: Hey, didjya get my e-mail?Johnny: Yeah, man, and now I feel like sh-t.Highrider: Yeah, tell me about it.Johnny: Come on in, man. I gotta do somethin' real quick.Johnny goes to his computer and goes to UWF.com again, and replies to his previous post:
Posted by "Johnny_Vegas" at 6:09 P.M. 07/15/00 Hey, yo, this is Johnny again, for everyone out here. Jaguar, I've had a change of heart. You not only pissed me off, but you hurt a friend of mine very deeply, and I can't sit back and not do anything about it. Jag, your ass is mine. You might not wanna bring "Turbo Timmy" around when we fight, 'cuz I guarantee it's gonna be too violent for little eyes. Now piss off.
Highrider: Did you and Cassie have fun?Johnny: Oh, yeah. She's great. (Walking back into the room) That was the funniest damn movie I've seen in my whole life. Be sure to close your eyes when the manly gym teacher says the word "secrets."Highrider: I'll keep that in mind. Hey, let's hit the town.Johnny: *Sigh*...yeah, I guess we should. I'm feelin' a little down, though.Highrider: Well, then, we need to pick your ass up, then! Come on, it'll be fun. I'll drive.Johnny agrees to this and they both depart.
Johnny Vegas and Highrider are seen walking the streets of Las Vegas at nighttime. They are about to head into a casino, when a tall, lanky guy with shades on blocks their path.
Lanky guy: Hello. I am a tall, dark, mysterious figure, like those seen in the UWF, where you come from. I am here to taunt you, call you names, piss you off, and then hope you will give me a title shot.Johnny: (With a look on his face that says, "what the f-ck?") Just who in the hell are you?Lanky guy: I am the man who will be destroying you now!Johnny: Oh, that's it, buddy--Highrider: Johnny! Stop! Think back to the lessons you learned in the Chinese temple! Remember? ...Remember? ...Remember?Lanky guy: Why do you keep saying that?Highrider: Shut your ass, dude! I'm trying to create a flashback scene here! ...Remember? ...Remember? ...Remember?A strange sound is heard, as if a sound from an ancient Chinese horn...The scene quickly fades to a Chinese Temple full of Shaolin priests. A young Johnny Vegas, head shaved, is standing in front of an old Chinese master with a fu-manchu goatee.
Master: Oh, hoho, grasshopper, you must let go, grasshopper. If you are rooted in the Tao, the force of the Earth will support you.Johnny: Yeah, but like, come on! When are we gonna kick some ass?Master: Patience, my son. Have you forgotten your lesson so quickly?Johnny: Yes, but Master, does not the Yin need the Yang? Does not the mountain need the storm? Does not your scrotum need kicking?A sharp kick to the crotch by Johnny.
Master: OooooOHOOHOooohhohooo!!!The horn sound is heard again, and the scene quickly fades back to Johnny's face, with a faraway look in it.
Johnny: Yes, you are right, my friend. Let him have his day, for his time will soon b--Lanky Guy punches him across the jaw.
Johnny: Ah, SCREW that old bald bastard!Johnny proceeds to smash the hell out of the Lanky Guy, who manages to scamper to his feet and into the darkness.
Johnny: What am I, flypaper for freaks? Sh-t!Highrider: Yeah, everyone wants a shot at your future World Title. And you don't even have it yet. But wasn't that weird? That lanky guy comes out of nowhere and tries to smack the lay down on your ass candy?Johnny: Ass candy!?Highrider: Ah, or whatever the hell that Samoan guy says on TV. Anyway, I wonder what that guy was up to?Johnny: Yes, he definitely validated my inherent mistrust of strangers. Although I have a feeling that the whole lanky guy thing has absolutely no point to it.A large woman in a white gown is seen coming from the alley with a big bearded guy with the same white gown on. They are leading the now-straightjacketed Lanky Guy to a large white van.
Large woman: That's it, Ron, you are gonna be tied to the BED from now on!Ron: But I like the purdy lights and the men!They load him up and drive off.
Johnny: Is it just me, or is this the absolute weirdest night I've ever experienced?Highrider: Yeah. I wish someone would cut a promo against us. It's boring just walking around the weird-ass nighttime Las Vegas streets without an opponent to talk about.Johnny: Hey, why don't you talk sh-t about Diesel? That's always fun! We can trash the Two Dudes for a while, huh?Highrider: Come on, how? They've been trashed to the fullest extent. They've gone into hiding, just like Hawk The "OOOOhhh, what a rush" Entertainer. I'll be surprised if they even show up come Massacre.Johnny: True, true. Sh-t. Well, let's just go gambling, I guess.They enter the casino to find out it's "Senior Citizen/War Veteran" day in the casino. Old men walk everywhere hunched over like zombies while some stand around the blackjack tables moaning. Old women stand at slot machines simply feeding them quarters and pulling the lever mindlessly.
Johnny: This isn't a casino! It's Hell with fluorescent lighting! Let's just go home!Highrider: Agreed! They back out of the casino and begin the long, brisk powerwalk home, leaving this strange, interview-less, promo-less night behind them. Just for the record, I'm watching SNL right now.