Johnny Vegas and Highrider arrive at Johnny's mansion after the strange events that just happened. They enter the house and just kinda stand there for a little bit.

Johnny: Whoo. Hey, I'm gonna go change, take a quick shower, I guess you can sit around like the 6'11" 300-pound slug that you are.

Highrider: Yo! All right!

Johnny walks up the large stairwell and Highrider turns on the TV. He changes the station to channel 36, where the late-night UWF Promo show is coming on. After a while, Highrider sees "Hawk The Entertainer" on it. For some reason, the bottom of the screen says, "Las Vegas residents, turn to channel 38 to see Hawks entertaining interview! No, it won't be broadcast on this channel!" Highrider shrugs and changes it to channel 38, where, sure enough, Hawk is seen walking to the ring for his promo. He puts a blank tape in the VCR and hits "record" for future reference of this interview. Highrider watches the interview with a faint smile on his face, as if he's laughing inside at the pitiful interview. Wait, no, for reals, Highrider is chuckling his ass off. By the time the interview is nearly done, Johnny walks back downstairs with a black t-shirt and flannel pants on. He hears the last part of the interview...

..."That wasn't just exciting...that wasn't just electrifying...that was F'N ENTERTAINING!"

Highrider: That wasn't just terrible, that wasn't just horrible, that was F'N ASS-SUCKING!!! YEEEAAAH!!

Johnny: What the hell? Who was that?

Highrider: Oh, hey, dude. Here, lemme rewind this shiznit for you. There's some funny, funny shit packed into Hawk's interview. I mean, it was almost as funny as Castor Russ's stuff, and this guy was being serious!

Johnny: Ah, these amateurs. When will they ever learn?

Highrider reaches the beginning of the interview and presses "play."

Johnny: Whoa, she's hot!

Highrider: Oh, yeah, but she has the microphone skills of a 10 year old sloth.

They watch Hawk go on a tirade about the L.O.D., The New Age Outlawz, The Outsiders, and even the Two Dudes. Then they hear him say that the only federation worth watching is the UWF.

Johnny: I agree, but come on? How many of those wrestlers are in the UWF? How would he know about them if he never watches any other federation? Oh, but the part about me being the brains of the team, he was 100% correct on that.

Highrider: Ah, I won't fight ya over that one. But, I could kick your ass in a brawl.

Johnny: OK, we're even. Let's watch the rest of this comedy. I mean, serious interview.

Highrider: Wow, did you hear that? It's wrestlers like me who piss him off so bad! As far as I'm concerned....SCORE!!

Johnny erupts into hysterical laughter.

Highrider: What?

Johnny: He...*pant, pant* just called you a...BRAINHOLE!

Highrider: Oh, dude, that was my favorite part!

He rewinds it a bit and they watch the "brainhole" part again. They both laugh until tears roll down their eyes. It's either from laughing, or they truly feel sorry for Hawk and his pitiful skillz. Naw, it's from laughing.

Highrider: OK, now he goes on about my brain cells leaking out. Nothing too funny for a while here...he just goes on and on and on about "climbin' that ladder" and "not being interested in the World Title."

Johnny: I thought he was interested in it two days ago?

Highrider: That's Hawk for ya! But wait, here comes a really good part, listen real close...

..."hopefully my already seen interviewing skills will give me a somewhat push to a higher level."

With this, Johnny bursts out in hysterical belly-laughs once again, while Highrider just gasps for breath.

Johnny:...................I......can't *haha..pant, cough* even speak!

Highrider: Tell me about it! *gasp* ...INTERVIWING SKILLS!

More hysterical laughter. After hearing Hawk's "They laugh right through Hawk's trash-talking of Jett, all the way to when Jessica picks up the mic. She says her "Down...down...DOWN!" part.

Johnny: She sure seems interested in "going down." That's my kind of broad. Oh, by the way, man, you were right about the sloth thing.

They watch until the interview ends, wipe the tears of laughter from their faces, and just sorta lie there.

Johnny: Ooooh, that was some gooood shit, dude. Whew! I wish that cameraman were here to get all this.

Highrider: Au contraire! Lookie what I set up before you came down...

He gets up and takes a handheld camcorder from a shelf that Johnny never bothered looking at. The camera was obviously rolling.

Highrider: Whaddya say about a little trip down to the Studio tomorrow morning?

Johnny: I dunno, man, what we said was pretty cruel. I dunno if his little heart can take it!

Highrider: Hey, cruelly exposing flaws of undertalented wrestlers is one of the things we're best at.

Johnny: Yeah, you're right! It's gonna be sweet. Now, uh, please get outta my house for a change.

Highrider: Only if you give me that pack of Mentos on the coffee table.

Johnny tosses it to him. Highrider points the camera at himself and sports a goofy smile while holding the Mentos roll.

Johnny: You dork.

Highrider: See ya tomorrow, dude.

He makes his exit as Johnny lies down on his leather couch and takes in the rest of the show.

Johnny Vegas is seen in a private gym with Highrider. Johnny's wearing a yellow headband and a white muscle shirt along with grey sweatshorts. Highrider holds a punching bag while Johnny wails away on it. A cameraman catches the action.

Highrider: That's right, baby! We're gonna win that tag team match! Get the lead out, you're gonna win that Title Match! Yeah, baby! And I'm gonna kick the sh-t outta Diesel!!

Johnny: Then why aren't you working out?!

Highrider: Come on, EYE OF THE TIGER, BABY! You feel the burn? DO YOU FEEL THAT BURN?

Johnny: SON OF A BITCH! Get that lighter away from me!!!

Highrider: Alright, dude, you're doin' great. Hold on a second.

Highrider disappears from camera view for a moment and comes back with a cardboard box. He opens it and takes out a chicken.

Johnny: Why in the hell do you have a chicken with you?

Highrider: We're gonna work on your speed and agility, baby! You are going to catch this chicken!

With that, he throws the chicken into the air and it lands with a running start. Johnny scampers after it, going about every which way. Finally, he dives onto the chicken.

Chicken: BAAWCAWWWWK!!! BACAWK!! BOCK BOCK BAWCAAAAWWWK!

Johnny: Take this, you little bitch!

He military-presses the chicken into the air.

Johnny: This is for Little Joey! And Little Jimmy! And Little Bertha! And Little Guido! And Little Big Mama's House!

Highrider: Stop, you fool! Do you realize what you're doing? You're talking trash to a chicken!!

Johnny: B...But...But we talk trash to chickens all the time! Jake Mosely! The Dudes! Hawk!

Highrider grabs the chicken and gets in Johnny's face.

Highrider: (In cranky, grizzled old man voice) YOU'RE A NOBODY, KID! You're a has-been, you're a never-will-be! You're less than a never will-be! Yer a ham 'n egger! Now, you're just green eggs and ham!

Johnny: Really? Can I have them on a boat? Can I have them in a moat? Can I have them with a goat?

Highrider: Shut up, kid! I could'a been a somebody...I coulda been a contender! I shoulda been a contenda! But then I fell into acting, and I was always cast as a grizzled old boxing veteran! Then I started on the crack, and the angel dust, and--

Johnny: Mickey, snap out of it! YO ADRIAN! GET MICKEY SOME CRACK! ADRIAN!!!

Highrider: Ya gotta stop actin' dis way, Johnny! Enough with the lafflaff and and the jokejoke! You neet to shoot straight from the heart, kid! Just like Jack Mosey said!

Johnny reaches off camera and gets a water pistol.

Johnny: Ya...Ya mean like this?

He puts the back of the water pistol on his chest and shoots it at no one in particular.

Highrider: (Still in the grizzled old boxing-veteran's voice) Cut it out, kid! You gotta go out 'der, and show da people what yer made of, kid! Don't plan nutin'! Just say it!

Johnny: (almost in "tears") But--But then my interviews will be bland and uninteresting! Just like Jake's! No one will even bother tuning in for them!

Highrider: Uh....gee, kid..I never even thought about it that way...Yeah, you're probably better off if you try to make your interviews interesting. I mean, it makes for good ratings, right? Not like Jack Mosey....Well, anyway, kid, you need to start carrying this federation! Look at Jack Mosey! He single-handedly brought this fed up from nothingness!

Johnny: Mickey, he's had a grand total of one match in the UWF! He hasn't done Jack Schitt for this place! There are plenty of other guys who legitimately did build this federation upon their backs!

Highrider: Man, you're right!...This Jack Mosey guy is a f-ckin' asshole, man!

Johnny: Yeah, plus, he called you a punk bitch, a mockery, and a disgrace! And..and he said you couldn't get out of a paper bag!

Highrider: HOW DOES HE KNOW ABOUT MY FEAR OF PAPER BAGS? Grrrr...DAAMMITT!

Johnny: Easy, man, easy, remember, the more this guy talks, the more people hate him!

Highrider: Yeah, and the more he stinks up the place.

Johnny: He won't have any allies! He'll piss people off so much that they won't even wanna watch his interviews! Plus, he's incredibly untalented and has no mic skills whatsoever!

Highrider: Hey, you're makin' me wanna fight this guy. He has no charisma, talent, or allies, you say? Sounds like easy pickins to me!!

Johnny: That's right, baby! I want you to take his ass out the very next chance you get!

Highrider: YES! IT'S GONNA BE MONEY, BABY!!

Highrider thrusts his arms in the air and begins to dance in place.

Johnny: Now, FEEL THAT BURN!

Johnny holds the lighter under Highrider's armit.

Highrider: GGYAAAAAAAHHH!

Johnny: Now, catch the chicken, big man!

He throws the chicken at Highrider. The chicken tries pecking his face. Highrider falls backwards.

Highrider: SH-T! This wasn't in the script! Get this foul winged devil bird offa me!

Johnny: (laughing his ass off and kicking the chicken off Highrider's chest) No pain, no gain! Now, I want you to run some stairs for me, baby!

The scene cuts to the part of "Rocky" where Rocky runs up the steps in a sweaty ass-hauling, and begins punching air and raising his hands in the air. The camera pans outward, revealing The Vegas Connetion to be watching the movie.

Highrider: That's right, Rocky! Feel that burn, baby!

Johnny: EYE OF THE TIGER! YO, ADRIAN! WE'RE GONNA DO IT! WE'RE GONNA GO DOWN THE STREET AND GET THE RYE OR THE KAISER! (singing) 'Cuz it's the...Rye or the Kaiser, it's the thrill of one bite...Maybe I can suggest an appetizer...stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight, but you just can't go wrong with the RYE...OR THE KAISER!

The scene fades out just as Johnny and Highrider bust into hysterical laughter.

The scene fades in at a gym near the arena where Monday Massacre is being held. Johnny is working out alone, and it's getting pretty late. Suddenly, the door flies open and Johnny's head snaps up from the military press machine to see just what the hell happened. Krittler walks into the gym with sunglasses, his hair neatly pulled back into a ponytail, and sharply dressed.

Krittler: Hello, Mr. Vegas...I haven't forgotten the last time we met...I'm going to enjoy watching you writhe in agony.

Johnny: What the f-ck?

Krittler: You should have helped me bring down Morpheus...when you had your chance, Mr. Vegas...

When Johnny Vegas is next seen, he is sporting dark black sunglasses, a black t-shirt, black jeans, a big black belt with a silver buckle, really cool black steel-toed boots, and a long black leather trenchcoat. He gets off the machine and stands up. He gets in a Kung Fu pose, and gestures with his right hand for Krittler to come toward him.

The "Matrix" theme (yes, that's this song) starts playing as Krittler leaps across the room at Johnny, who begins a big Kung-Fu exchange with him. Johnny grabs Krittler's arm and twists it around, then flips him over his back and to the ground. Krittler quickly sweeps back up to his feet and kicks Johnny in the chest. Johnny flies the length of the seemingly much-bigger-than-before room and slides across the floor. He and Krittler stare at each other for a bit, then both leap into the air at each other. Johnny grabs Krittler's left wrist with his right hand, and Krittler does the same to Johnny. They spin to the ground and Johnny is back on his feet, throwing punches and kicks at Krittler, who is blocking them and beginning to retaliate. Krittler manages to trap Johnny's arms beneath his, and headbutts him twice in the face. Johnny flips backwards, hoisting Krittler into the air and throwing him across the room again. Johnny jump-kicks Krittler three times in a row, then lands and throws a punch at Krittler's throat. Krittler grabs Johnny's hand, but Johnny extends his fingers and pokes Krittler in the throat. Another big exchange of punches and kicks. Johnny throws a high kick, but Krittler grabs it and tosses him end-over-end into the air and kicks him across the room on the way down. Johnny lands in a heap. He rubs his lip and looks at his fingers. Blood...oh, that's it, now he's enraged...

Johnny jumps towards Krittler and kicks him in mid-air about 5 times before landing on his feet. Krittler rushes Johnny, who levitates off the ground. The scene freezes and the view circles around them. Suddenly, Johnny, with a swift movement of his right foot, kicks Krittler square in the nuts. Krittler flies the length of the room and lands in a heap next to a the vending machine. He quickly whips out a dollar and buys a box of Gobstoppers. He opens them and tosses a handfull of them at high speed at Johnny. Johnny leans back far and the view turns to slow-motion. Gobstoppers hurl over him, leaving trails of orb-like images behind them. Two of them graze Johnny's arms. He stands fully erect (no, not that way) only to see a batch of small Hostess powdered donuts flying at him. He extends his hand, and they begin to slow down. Finally, they stop in mid-air. Johnny grabs one out of the air and holds it before him a little while, then takes a bite. The rest of the donuts fall to the ground.

Johnny: A little stale...

Krittler: Well, this is a gym. People don't buy them very much. Oh, yes, back to destroying you...

Krittler runs at Johnny, and Johnny jumps up on the wall. He begins running until he is behind Krittler, then curves off the wall and jams his foot into Krittler's back. Krittler flies forward and into the butterfly machine. Johnny dives at Krittler, and Krittler is surprised to see that Johnny has disappeared. Krittler looks at his hand. Little lumpy things start moving around under his skin. They move towards his head and begin to cover his body. Krittler lets out a scream, and there is a blinding flash, and Johnny is seen standing where Krittler was. A phone on the wall rings. Johnny picks it up and holds it to his ear...Then his eyes snap open...

Johnny awakes with a start and turns on the lamp next to him. He sits up.

He's in his hotel room. It's 5:50 AM.

Johnny: Son of a bitch...what a cool dream...Whew........All of the people I'm fighting tomorrow better watch out....Ah, I can't sleep now.

Johnny gets up and heads out the door. He knocks on the door of the room next to him.

Johnny: (In high, foreign-sounding voice) You wan' house keepING? You wan' TOWEL? Wakee WAKEee!

Cursing is heard behind the door. It flies open.

Highrider: Hey, what the hell--Johnny? Ah, you bastard!! What time is it?

Johnny: Oh...Oh, shit, man! That's why I woke you! It's almost 8, man! We're gonna be late!

Highrider's face turns to a mask of worry. Then to...uh...annoyance. He looks at the clock.

MAAAN! It's not even 6 yet! And what the hell are we gonna be late for, anyway? Sh-t...Well, I can't sleep now, let's go get a bite to eat.

Johnny: Yeah, man, Then I can tell you about this cool dream I had. I kicked Krittler's ass.

Highrider: Big deal. I did that in real life. Hell, we both did.

Johnny: Well, suddenly, I have the urge to watch "The Matrix."

Johnny looks around and about a dozen people are standing outside their doors with looks on their faces that say, "Shut the f-ck up!" Johnny ducks back into his room to get ready for breakfast.

Johnny: Hee hee, Man, I feel sorry for the Dudes...I'm gonna incorporate some of that shit in my match...TWAYE HA!

He does a fake-looking Kung Fu kick. A fake-looking Kung Fu kick that accidentally found it's mark in the picture tube of his TV.

Johnny: (yelling) Yo, TOMMY! Pack your shit, dude, we're checkin' outta here, fast!

Johnny Vegas and Highrider are seen pulling into a large building that has a big UWF logo on the side of it. Johnny pulls his Porsche Boxter into a parking space and he and Highrider get out. Johnny drapes his UWF World Heavyweight Title Belt over his shoulder and proceeds into the building followed by Highrider.

UWF Commissioner: And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, The Vegas Connection, The UWF Champion Johnny Vegas and Highrider!

Applause from the 40 or so people in the room. A few cameramen are scattered about. Everyone in the main crowd has notepads and name tags, and most have cameras. Johnny steps past the UWF Staff sitting at the head table and to the microphone.

Johnny: All right, it's a pleasure to be here. Well, not really, but I gotta say what you wanna hear, right? Any questions?

Most of the crowd stands up and starts jabbering.

Johnny: One at a time, pinheads! How about...uh, you, with the face...and the shirt...

Reporter #1: How do you feel about being the UWF World Champion?

Johnny: Dude, how do you think I feel, numbnuts? It's great! I've been a titleholder in other federations before, but never the World Champ. If I were to retire today, I would retire as a happy man, because I have been the UWF World Champion.

Reporter #1: Is that true?

Johnny: No, I had a momentary lapse of reason that prevented me from telling the truth for five seconds. 'Course it's true, needledick! Any more questions?

Reporter #2: Oh, m, me, Veg, Mister! Johnny me! Ask answer Vegas me!

Johnny: Okay, how about the incoherent rambler in the back? What do you have to say?

Reporter #2: What say do ya have in...uh, I mean, Vegas, suh, Jaguar Saturn match?

Johnny: Funny...it sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

Reporter #2: I--I'm sorry, Johnny...just nervous a little, is all...uh, what've you say--got to say about the--the match on Sunday? With Perry-F and Jaguar Saturn?

Johnny: Oh, you mean the match on Sunday, with the guy who cost me my title the first time around and another guy who I've barely heard of? Two guys who have never wrestled in this federation, but are getting a title shot against me? I'll tell you how I feel. I feel that my friend Scott Michaels is right. I don't know how either of thoset two men walked in here and got a shot at my title, while the guys who have been here a long time aren't gettin' sh-t. But hey, no matter who I fight, I'm comin' out on top. Come on, I'm the greatest wrestler here, no matter what anyone says about themselves. I'll be the fightingest champion the world has ever seen, and I'm not gonna lose this title. I just may retire with it a few years down the road, 'cuz no one will be able to take it off my waist. Look at my moves, man. Lightning quick, but still able to toss guys around who are a lot bigger than me. Great charisma, mic skills, and a great attitude. It's the perfect balance. As far as Jag and Saturn go, the PPV main event is gonna be mighty short, 'cuz it's a Jackpot here, and a Jackpot there, then I walk out of the arena with the belt around my waist.

Reporter #3: Johnny--

The reporter next to Reporter #3 decks him. Reporter #3 falls to the ground.

Violent Reporter: Johnny, do you feel that being the UWF World Champion is going to your head?

Johnny: Look, it will never go to my head. I'm as cocky and egotistical as I'm ever gonna be. I may believe that I'm a better wrestler than anyone in the UWF, but that doesn't mean I'm a better person than everyone in the back. I mean, I think guys like Kirucore, Jett, and Scott Michaels are great guys. Probably better people than I am. I wish to thank all these guys for kickin' ass and takin' names along with me the whole time this federation has been open. If it were up to me, I'd grant each and every one of these guys a shot at my title, because they deserve it. What else we got out there?

Reporter #5: What do you think about Triple H?

Johnny: Hey, I got no beef with Triple H. Hunter Hearst-Helmsley is a good wrestler, and I'm sure he really could keep un with me in a match, just like he says. But once I slap the Jackpot on him, it's all over. That goes for anyone in the back. No matter how much I respect you, it won't stop the Jackpot. One more question for me, then Tommy here takes the stand.

Female Reporter #1: Johnny, is it true you have been contacted by other federations who want to recruit you?

Johnny: And just how in the hell do you know that? That information is strictly confidential!

Female Reporter #1: My sources are strictly confidential.

Just then, some retarded-looking guy in a light brown police uniform who bears a striking resemblance to David Arquette steps up to the mic.

Retarded cop: Uh..Hi, Gail...

The female reporter looks flustered as Johnny shoos the retarded cop away from the stand.

Johnny: Yes, as a matter of fact, I have been contacted by a few other federations that promise more and better competition. But I straight up told 'em to f-ck off. The UWF is my home. Okay, I think we've covered all my bases. Tommy, get your big ass up here, your turn, man.

Highrider: All right, what do the people have to say to me?

The reporters start talking all at once.

Highrider: How about the perdy young thing in the front row?

Some little guy starts talking.

Highrider: Not, you, dick! The little chiquita next to you!

Female Reporter #2: Okay...Highrider, does Johnny's success bother you?

Highrider: Of course not. Johnny may appear more successful than me, but you obviously don't know the whole story. We've been together for a long time, and we are each just as successful as the other. Sure, I haven't been a World Champion yet, but I have held five other titles and it's only a matter of time before I get another one. I was largely successful in a federation called the nIo, whereas Johnny floundered there for a while. We just have different patterns of success, and right now, Johnny is ridin' a huge wave, and I'm happy for him. And if any of the boys in the back dare say I'm lying just to get some cheap heat offa me, I'll tell them right now to f-ck off.

Reporter #7: It's been rumored that you've been lobbying for a match against "Prime Time" Jake Mosely.

Highrider: Well, let me put that rumor to rest...it's no longer a rumor, it's officially true. Yes, I want a piece of Jack Mosey, it's out in the open. I've appealed for a match between us at the PPV, and rest assured that I will beat him. And as for the Tag Team match, the Vegas Connection are about to become tag team champions for the fourth time in our illustrious careers!

Reporter #...whatever the hell the # is...: Uh...what kind of sound system do you have in your kick-ass truck, man? It's awesome!

Highrider: FINALLY! A question I'd love to answer! I've got two 6X9's on the doors, two 10" 300-Watt Jensens under the seats, two 12" Jensens with high-decible tweeters behind the seats, and two 420-Watt Koiiler amps. Sure, I'll be deaf by the time I'm 35, but I just love pumpin' my music all throughout Las Vegas. Well, people, Our time here is up, we're gonna go home and maybe do an interview that will be much funner to watch than a boring ol' press conference...I'm sorry, but how can we have fun at a press conference? Though I would like to extend my deepest thanks to the UWF Staff for allowing us the chance to be here. Well, For Johnny Vegas, I'm Highrider, signing off.

They both leave the building. Johnny raises his UWF World Championship high into the air as he exits.

A long, silver, metallic hallway is seen as the camera fades in. Footsteps are heard. Out of nowhere, two men in black suits and dark Ray-Ban sunglasses turn either corner leading to the hallway, and walk towards the camera in a rhythmic pace. They pass on both sides of the camera and the view immediately changes to see them walking away. They stop in the elevator at the end of the hall and turn around. The doors close, revealing the letters "MiB" in bold blue on the front. The view changes to inside the camera.

Johnny: Now, remember, Agent H, you chose me because you know I got skills. I don't want no one callin' me champ, or sport, or any little new guy names like that.

Highrider: Hmm...Agent J, you've been here longer than I have...I don't think you have to worry about it right now. Besides, tiger, right now, your skills mean precicely...jack.

They turn around and the glass wall of the elevator reveals a huge metal structural building filled with strange-looking creatures and many midgets.

Johnny: Why don't my skills mean jack?

Highrider: Oh...Wait, I guess they do...sorry. Let's go check out the current situation, Agent J.

They get off the elevator and pass by a bunch of little blue creatures hauling cases of beer around.

Creatures: Ah, zoo swat akala, H! Zow mafa kofazzza, J!

Johnny: WWaaaaassszzzuuuup to you too, little guys. Agent H, have any alien civilizations cut promos against us?

Highrider: Affirmative, Agent J. Three wrestlers have used our names in their interviews, and Cavern congratulates your title win.

Johnny: Excellent. Send him a complex crystalline structure from the outer nebulas for his thanks. What else have we got?

Highrider: Scott Michaels is angry, his temper levels are way off the chart. J, you cold-hearted bastard, did you really deny him a title shot?

Johnny: Negative. I would welcome his challenge instead of having to fight a has-been and a never-was this Sunday. Who are the other two who've cut promos against us?

Highrider: Observe the screen. Hawk the Entertainer said a couple of things about us. Nothing important at all.

Johnny: Duly noted. I see Jaguar-F's picture is on the screen as well, what does he have to say?

Highrider: We're...not sure. His message was not in our language, it is believed he send a transmission in "Whineybitchese" instead of English. We've got the twins working on it.

He points to two chairs where the "twins" are obviously sitting. The chairs swirl around and they are revealed to be Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Johnny: Gyaah! It's "Full House" all over again! I think I'm gonna puke!

Highrider: We'll let them work on the translation. In the meantime, Agent J, come with me, I want to show you some of the new inventions the aliens have brought us.

They walk into a medium-sized room full of strange looking trinkets and inventions.

Highrider: We'll be sure to make lots of money off of these inventions. First, we have some $300 silver mirror-lensed sunglasses.

Johnny: Those are mine!

Highrider: Yes, and they've been affixed with tiny mirrors on the sides so you can look behind you when you walk.

Johnny picks the glasses up to investigate.

Johnny: What the--HEY! You just used Elmer's glue to stick a couple little pieces of a broken mirror the sides! They're ruined!

Highrider: No they're not. Now look over here. Special creme that reduces the size of anal warts.

Johnny: Excellent. send a tube to Castor Russ with my regards.

Highrider: And here we have our most valuable invention.

He pulls a curtain to reveal a guy, about yay high, this wide, with a couple of eyes and some hair.

Highrider: This is a wrestler who never pisses anyone off during his interviews. He's still in beta testing stages, however.

Wrestler: Kiss my ass, you f-cking queer!

Highrider: Aah, we still have some bugs to work out. Let's go check out....I mean, check up on...the twins.

They leave the room and proceed to the twins' chairs.

Johnny: Well, Olsen Twins, were you able to translate that message?

Olsen Twins: Yes, but another point of interest is that if you speed up the frequency of the interview by 6(log)µ³, it says "I'm an asshole" over and over.

Johnny: Yes, that's a trait of most asshole wrestlers in many federations. Very well, Mary-Kate and Ashley, you are excused to go film your next corny direct-to-video movie.

Olsen twins: Yaaaaaayy!

They scamper off. Highrider presses the "play button and he and Johnny lean forward to hear Jaguar-F's interview. They fast forward through all the bullsh-t, however.

..."Well, well, well... The new guys have got something to say... Listen Johnny Vegas, Scotty Michaels... You are both new kids here... certainly you Johnny, I have been in this very company since December 1999, only then it was known as the Internet Wrestling Association... As far as proving myself in this company, I did that... I was the World Champion before Viper-X, that is my belt you're holding..."

Highrider presses "pause."

Johnny picks up his UWF World Championship Title Belt and looks at it.

Johnny: That's funny, Agent H. This belt clearly says "UWF" on it, not "IWA." Well, if all wrestling companies are essentially the same thing, I guess I've been here since August of 1998!

Highrider: Affirmative. Also, I don't remember Viper-X beating Jaguar-F for that belt. Viper-X beat you in a travesty of justice.

Johnny: Exactly. Sounds to me that Jaguar-F truly is the "new guy" here but just can't cope with it.

Highrider: Also, it seems that the Olsen Twins didn't do a very good job of translating this message from "Whineybitchese."

He presses "play."

..."And furthermore you don't really think you could deny me my shot at the title, can you... I mean, you are just a bunch of idiots if you really think that... You see, I have beaten the great Tag-Team champions in a handicap match, and those two belts proved once again that I am the next World Champion. You see Johnny, you can never ever get to be in the same ranks as me, not even close... I am the one and only great superstar in this company, as I will be forever..."

"Pause" once again. Also once again, Johnny looks down at his UWF World Title Belt. He picks it up and shows it to the camera. He points to the "Johnny Vegas" nameplate on it.

Johnny: 'nuff said about that.

More fast forwarding.

..."And as for you Johnny, you, me and my Tag-Team partner will be fighting eachother at the upcoming pay-per-view... Bad luck for you, my friend! As you will be defeated, and I know you will reply with some sort of funny comment, probably about Timmy... Maybe about me... But don't make yourself look absolutely stupid, by telling everyone that you'll beat me and Saturn, as we have been around in this company too long for some new kid, with a ego the size of our great city New York, to beat us! You're ours Johnny, first in the Tag-Team titles match, then in the World Title match..."

Highrider presses "stop."

Johnny: Hmm. He seems to think that we give a rat's ass about the kid. Send that kid a special message. I want it to read, "Don't ever bend over in Jag's presence. Why else do you think he wanted a 9...er, no, 12 year old kid in the house with him?

Highrider: Consider it sent. I believe he should reconsider his sterotyping us as "new kids."

Johnny: Yes, poor, misguided bastard child. He simply does not realize that we've been in this business for two years now. Send him...uh, a kick in left testicle.

Highrider: I'll tell Timmy to deliver it. No, actually, I believe I will personally deliver it this Sunday. The Vegas Connection, a name which I am perfectly happy with, shall not be denied the Tag Team Titles.

Johnny: Exactly, and since when did winning the tag team titles mean that a member of the group automatically gets a title shot?

Highrider: I think we should take out Jag and Saturn right now. Here are our weapons.

He pulls a big gun out of nowhere.

Highrider: Class 3 Neuronebulizer with automatic firing capabilities.

Johnny: Now, that's what I'm talking about!

Highrider holds up a small, worthless little gun with a pictre of Jaguar-F taped to the side of it.

Highrider: "Noisy Bitch."

Johnny: (taking the gun) "Noisy Bitch?" I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!

Highrider: Don't worry, Agent J. This Sunday, you will.

Johnny: Truth.

Highrider: And now, Agent J, I'm sorry, but I have to do this.

He pulls out a neurolyzer...a "flashy-thingie."

Johnny: I understand, Agent H. But I'm sure gonna miss the chase.

Highrider: No....( He puts on his Ray-Bans ) you won't.

He activates it and there's a blinding flash. Johnny suddenly starts clucking and moving like a chicken.

Highrider: AAaah, dammit...I have it set to "Jaguar-F..." Hold still, Johnny....

The camera shows a close up of the front of the neurolyzer with Highrider's face in the background. There's a bright white flash, and the camera fades.

Johnny Vegas and Highrider walk through the downtown mall, as incognito as they can be so they don't get mobbed. Johnny Vegas has dark black sunglasses and an Oakley baseball cap on. He wears a blue t-shirt and jeans with black boots. Highrider has dark sunglasses on, and his long hair is in a ponytail. He wears a red flannel overshirt, a black t-shirt under it, black jeans and black steel-toed boots.

Highrider: Man, I wish we wouldn't get mobbed so much if we dressed normal. I feel like such a dork in this red flannel overshirt.

Johnny: Yeah, well, I can't hardly freakin' see with these black sunglasses on. I should just get a pair of regular glasses with fake lenses or somethin'.

Highrider: Well, you'd look like a bigger dork than me, then.

Johnny: Hey, shaddup. Let's go in the record store here, see what's new.

They head in, but immediately just kinda slow down and look around.

Highrider: Wow, ya know...we already have just about everything this music store has to offer us.

Johnny: Yeah, I've even had the cute chick behind the counter.

Highrider: You have? You lucky bastard. Well, hey, I guess we can look at the movies. We don't have all the movies here.

They look at the comedy section. Johnny picks up a copy of "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo."

Johnny: Heheheh, now this is the shit. I don't have this yet. I gotta get this.

He departs to the counter to pay for his prize. Highrider browses some more while Johnny flirts and exchanges words with the clerk. Out of the corner of his eye, Highrider sees the clerk crack Johnny across the cheek with her palm. Highrider meets up with him as they leave the store, chuckling at him. Johnny just has a look of bewilderment on his face.

Highrider: Maaaan, what happened back there?!

Johnny: Sh-t...would you believe it was her twin sister who I scored with?

Highrider: Holy sh-t, man! Whad'she say?

Johnny: Oh, she really didn't care about that, it was when I suggested a menoige a trois that she got pissed.

Holy geez, man!

Cameraman: Hey, dudes! What's going on, you crazy bastards?

Johnny and Highrider just kind of stand there in disbelief of their luck. They really don't feel like talking to this guy.

Johnny: Oh, hey, uh, camera dude. So what's uh, what's up?

Cameraman: So, have you guys been keepin' up with the interviews that have been goin' on? Perry Saturn? Cavern?

Highrider: Yeah, what about 'em?

Cameraman: Well, whatdya have to say about 'em??

Johnny: About what?

Cameraman: The damn interviews!!

Johnny: Well, I'll tell ya right now, this is more entertaining than watching Perry Saturn's interviews. Tell ya what, I'll go get us some hot dogs or somethin' from the food court and we'll sit at a table, and we'll tell you exactly what we think.

Johnny goes over and stands in the fairly short line at Weenie World.

Johnny: Oh, man, what a helluva name.

Eventually, he gets to the front of the line.

Girl behind the counter: Welcome to Weenie World! May I take your order?

Johnny looks at her name tag.

Johnny: Oh, hello....Lois. I'll have...lemme see...

Johnny makes the mistake of taking off his sunglasses to better read the menu.

Lois: JOHNNY VEGAS!

Johnny quickly puts the sunglasses back on.

Girl: Oh...maybe not...Say, why is that I never see Johnny Vegas and you in the same place? Could it be that....(fake-sounding laugh)...Oh, oh, no, it couldn't be.

Johnny: Okay, Lois, I'll have three hot dogs, large nachos, and three large Pepsis.

He waits a while and Lois calls his number. He picks up his order.

Lois: Here you are, sir...hahaha, Johnny Vegas...

Johnny takes his food. He then turns to us, moves his sunglasses down, and wink at us. Or, well, winking in your general direction. Yes, winking at you, the person reading this right now.... DUN DUN DUN!

Johnny: Here you go, fellas. So, what's the good word?

Cameraman: How about you guys tell me how you feel about Cavern and Saturn?

Johnny: Oh, all right. Well, first--you got a notepad out, great. Anyway, first, Scott Michaels. Sure, I'll have his back. I got respect for him, and I intend to give him a title shot. Then there's the Dudes With Attitude...I guess those would be the new Dudes with Attitude, eh? Yeah, after we ran Shawn and Diesel outta this federation, I guess they just couldn't wait to take their places, huh? Well, The Dudes are surely gonna be met with a helluva lot of resistance if they get in the way of the tag team titles for us. But on to more important things. Like this hot dog.

Highrider: Why don't I take Cavern? Yeah, the same Cavern who congratulated Johnny on his win is pissing us off now. Man, me and Johnny really are flypaper for freaks. Why does everyone wanna go after the best wrestlers in the fed for? Can't they just toil around in the lower ranks with each other? I mean, if the only thing you wanna do is fight the two greatest wrestlers in North America all the time, you're gonna get beat a lot.

Cameraman: Yeah, but come on. Every tag team thinks they're the greatest wrestlers in North America. What makes you guys any different?

Highrider: Look. I destroyed Big Daddy Cool Diesel in my first match here. I've been a champ 5 times, which many people say doesn't mean anything when you join a new fed, but I think it does. It shows that if you're good enough to be a champ in another federation, you sure as hell got a shot at bein' one in this federation. Then, look at Johnny.

The cameraman does. Johnny is done with his hot dog and almost done with the nachos.

Cameraman: Ugh, do I have to?

Johnny: No, I think where Tommy is headin' with this is that he and I have paid our dues and are champions. I am the UWF World Heavyweight Champion. If people say that I don't deserve the championship and that I'm a paper champion, I think they should look at their ugly faces in the mirror. If you put down the champion of a federation, you put down the federation itself. I won a tournament to get this title. Well, pretty much. I beat the winner, so there. If Viper-X beat everyone in that tournament, it means that he was better than everyone else in that tournament. And then I beat him. So by putting me down is to put down every single wrestler in the federation, and the UWF itself. I think Cavern, Jag, and Saturn are all dishonorable whores, and that's all there is to it. The poor misguided bastard children.

Highrider: Yeah, and why do we always get stuck fighting the really weird wrestlers? We can't get a shot at Jett, Scott Michaels, or Kirucore, but the f-ck ups come outta the woodwork to fight us. First, it was Vampire, then Raver, and Loki, now we've got Jaguar, Cavern, and Saturn. Man, is there anybody in this federation that comes from a normal family? You know, like the family on that one show? Party of Five?

Cameraman: ...uh...Their parents were tragically killed in a horrible fire.

Highrider: No sh-t?? Wow....it all makes perfect sense now! I thought they were just negligent!

Cameraman: Uh, okay, I think it's pretty clear how you feel about Cavern...can you tell me about Jaguar, then?

Johnny: Jaguar is a wrestler.

Cameraman: Uh, no, no, tell me how you feel about him.

Johnny: Oh, yeah, he's a dick gobbling queen.

Cameraman: Uh...so...that's it?

Johnny: Um...yeah, pretty much...oh, yeah, and I'm gonna beat the living snot out of him. The question is, just how much snot...is living in him? Look, I already made my feelings about Jaguar-F clear yesterday. The real story here is Perry Saturn. Man, oh, man, this guy says he's a legend of wrestling? You'd think a legend of wrestling would have learned how to put together an interview that people actually enjoy watching! I mean, good Lord, I was wishing he would just hurry up and get it over with, it was the single most boring piece of television I've ever seen, and that includes the majority of all Taco Bell commericals. If Saturn is supposed to be good or something, he must have gotten there by only being a good wrestler. He has no charisma and no personality. If Perry Saturn is a wrestling legend, I must be a wrestling guru.

Highrider: And I must be the Supreme Oracle of Wrestling.

Johnny: Hehehe...Whoracle...that Castor Russ...

Cameraman: Hmm..Okay, guys, I'm not getting a whole lot of things to write down for the guys back at the studio.

Johnny: Well, what do you expect me to say? I don't want to ramble on and on and on about how me and Tommy are going to win our matches on Sunday! Look, our opponents are sh-theads, Cavern is a crotch goblin, and we're gonna walk out of there with more gold than we had when we came in.

Cameraman: OK, fine, but how about Saturn saying that you're unoriginal, and all the other bullsh-t he said about you?

Johnny: Oh, yeah, he said that no matter what insult I throw at him, it's not going to be original. Well, write this insult down and ask him if anyone has ever said it to him: "You are a monkey-humping cow-sucking squirrel-licking hermaphrodite with a big, bald head that seagulls enjoy defecating on." There. Let's see what he has to say about that.

Okay...I'll pass that on...well what about the fact that you'll be having to be in a virtual handicap match on Sunday? How are you going to overcome those odds?

Johnny: With the greatest of ease, of course! Look, the first person who scores a pinfall gets the title. Even if they both double teamed me all throughout the match and nailed me with their finishers eight times each, do you honestly think that one of them would just step back and let the other pin me? Of course not! They'll start to argue, I'll get up, slam the Jackpot on their asses and walk out of there with both my UWF World Title and one of the UWF Tag Team Title belts. I think we're about done here.

Cameraman: OK, gentlemen, thank you for your, uh..time..

He walks off. Johnny and Highrider get up and go out of the mall and down the street. They pass by the public library, where a man is hosing down the "PUBLIC LIBRARY" sign on the wall. The "L" off of "public" falls off and a swarm of people run into the library. Johnny Vegas and Highrider stare at the sign for a while and then head in.

Johnny Vegas and Highrider return to Johnny's mansion after being at the mall and the "Pubic Library" for the past couple of hours. They're both pretty tired, and they just land on the couch and recliner, respectively, and turn the enormous TV on. Johnny presses 3 & 6 on the remote control, the channel that the UWF comes on. They see Perry Saturn's face as the TV fades in. Johnny lets out a groan and just presses "record" on the VCR to get Saturn's interview.

Johnny: Holy sh-t, this f-cking piss-drunk cock! I can't take another one of his interviews right now.

He changes the channel and lets the VCR get the interview. He lies back down on the couch.

Johnny: Man, I just don't think I can take another one of his God-forsaken interviews! Not this late in the day! Let's just watch Jeopardy.

Highrider: Jeopardy? But that show is boring!

Johnny: Look, nothing else is on, we can watch Perry's interview right now, or we can watch the death-defying-by-comparison Jeopardy.

Highrider: I believe I will choose the man who plays second fiddle to Regis Philbin for $200.

They watch Jeopardy for a while, then he and Highrider eventually doze off. About 15 minutes later, Johnny awakes from his little slumber and watches Saturns interview. It puts him to sleep for about 15 more minutes. He awakes, then wakes the also-sleeping-by-now Highrider.

Johnny: Dude, let's go to the studio...

Highrider: You got an idea, eh?

Johnny: Do I ever...come on, get in the Porsche.

They hop in the car, drive to the UWF Studios, and discuss their plans with the staff...magic is about to happen...

The scene fades in to applause and a UWF stage production manager dressed as Alex Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Hello, and welcome back to the UWF edition of Jeopardy! In the lead with negative $200, we have Cavern! Yes, simply Cavern!

The camera cuts to a shot of Johnny and Highrider's good friend, UWF head stage writer Barry Lincoln dressed as Cavern, complete with big, ugly hair & beard.

And, with...uh, negative $800, we have Jaguar-F.

The camera moves to the side to reveal Johnny Vegas dressed as Jaguar-F.

Alex Trebek: Um, better luck to you in the second round, Jaguar. Now, moving on to someone who has...set the Jeopardy record for futility...with a negative $27,400...Uh, Perry Saturn.

Highrider: Damn you and your Daily Doubles, Trebek!

The camera again moves sideways to reveal Highrider dressed as Perry Saturn...an enormously large Perry Saturn.

Alex Trebek: And now, on to Double Jeopardy, and here are our categories...First, we have Popular Films...Movie titles that start with "Tommy Boy"...Current UWF World Champions...Famous Books...Condeminiums...Reasons Jaguar-F and Perry Saturn Are Retards...and finally, Is This Person Kid Rock, Or Not? In this category, I stand here and you tell me if I am Kid Rock or not. Perry Saturn, you are in third place, therefore, the board is yours.

Highrider: Hey, don't disrespect me, you f-ck, I'm a legend.

Alex Trebek: Come on, Saturn, that's completely unnecessary. Please choose a category.

Highrider: I'll play your game, you bastard...Give me Popular Films for $200.

Alex Trebek: All right, and the answer is: "This movie stars Mike Myers, who plays an International spy named Austin Powers." .....Anyone?

Ring!

Barry: I'd like to venture a guess and say, "Wayne's World."

BZZT.

Alex Trebek: No...Cavern, you idiot, no...and please remember to phrase your answer in the form of a question...anyone else?

Ring!

Highrider: Ahem...WHAT IS Wayne's World?

Alex Trebek: No...No...Jaguar-F, do you care to take a stab at it?

Johnny: I'll take Is This Person Kid Rock, Or Not?

Alex Trebek: No, no, you jackass! You can't do that yet! I swear, you three are the biggest bunch of drunken bastards I've ever laid eyes on! Good Gawd!

BZZZT

Alex Trebek: Oh, geez. Saturn, it's still your board.

Highrider: I'll take the one about the little condoms.

Alex Trebek: Saturn...that says "Condominiums," not "Condom minis..." Oh, hell, let's skip it and go to Current UWF World Champions. The answer is: "He is the current UWF World Champion."...........anyone?.......I'll give you a hint. He lives in Las Vegas.......and his name is Johnny. His finishing manuever is called The Jackpot, and his last name is Vegas........someone, just say "Johnny Vegas..."

Ring!

Johnny: Who is JT Fringe?

Alex Trebek: Holy sh-t, Jaguar! Was it really that hard to say, "Johnny Vegas?"

Johnny: No, no...I want you to tell me, "who is JT Fringe?" I honestly don't know.

Alex Trebek: (laying his face in his hands) Holy geez...Mmm, Cavern, why don't you take the board...please...

Barry: Okay, Alex, I'll take, "Is This Person Kid Rock, Or Not?" for $400.

Alex Trebek: Fine...Cavern, am I Kid Rock?

Barry: ....................Yes.

BZZT!

Barry: Who's Kid Rock?

Alex Trebek: Oh, mother of all things holy...

Johnny: You shut your face, Alex! You wouldn't have know that yourself if it weren't for that card in front of you!

Alex Trebek:...Here, why don't I pick a category right now? How about, Movies That Start With Tommy Boy for $200?

Ring!

Johnny: Beverly Hills Ninja and Dirty Work, thank you very much. I'll take...

Alex Trebek: No, Jaguar, you anuslicker!.........Pick another category........(openly weeps)

Johnny: I'll take "Famous Boobs" for $600.

Alex Trebek: What....Oh, for Heaven's...that says "Famous Books," Jaguar...Very well, Famous Books for $600. Ahem..."To _____ A Mockingbird."

Ring!

Highrider: Um, what is "Dirty Whore?"

BZZZT

Alex Trebek: Saturn, you--ARRGH! Moving on! We will do one more of these and then proceed into Final Jeopardy! Now, then! "Reasons Jaguar-F and Saturn are Retards," for $1000!

Ring!

Johnny: What is, "Because we think we can beat Johnny Vegas this Sunday?"

Ding Ding Ding!

Alex Trebek: N....wait...Holy sh-t that's right! Jaguar-F gets $1000! Did you guys see that? It was amazing! Oh, boy, well, let's get to Final Jeopardy right now. The category is, "The Gettysburg Address." ...Wait, let's scrap that. The new category is, "Your Name." Everyone, you have thirty seconds to write your name down. Time starts now.

The clock starts ticking as everyone begins writing their answers.

Alex Trebek: OK, and we'll start things off with Cavern. Cavern's answer was...."Alex Trebek." Cavern....you wrote down my name.

Barry: That's what you told me to do!

Alex Trebek: (sighing) And you wagered....eleventy dollars. ...... You friggin' retard. OK, now on to Perry Saturn. Perry, your answer was: Screwmy. ....... Screwmy. Very well...you wagered: Sweatyass. Screwmy Sweatyass. Simply amazing. You know what, let's just get this over with and go onto Jaguar-F. Jaguar-f, your answer was..."your name down." Actually, you know what, that is absolutely correct. I told you to write your name down and you did just that. So, congratulations, you are only utterly stupid instead of totally stupid. And you wagered: Viper-X. Well, since you're the only one to get this question right, you are our winner. I'm Alex Trebek, and I'm going to go home and eat a healthy dinner of Arsenic buns in hope of a slow, sickening death. Goodbye.

A large amount of applause, and the scene fades. Johnny Vegas, Highrider, and Barry Lincoln congratulate one another amidst tearful laughter from the production crew. And all of you. Goodbye!

It's pretty early. Probably around 7:30 in the morning or so. Johnny Vegas is standing to the side of the camera, holding a beer and just kind of looking out towards nowhere. Highrider is on the other side of the camera, discussing some stuff with the UWF crew that's setting up the ring. Apparently, we're behind the UWF Las Vegas Studio and Johnny has requested a ring to be set up. Johnny takes a last chug of the beer, crumples the can, and tosses it into the garbage. He walks over to the camera.

Johnny: Hey, Jaguar-F. And Perry Saturn. Uh...I'd also say, "And Scorpion," the thing is, I just don't give a flying piece of cat sh-t about Scorpion. No, Scorpion, I'm not afraid of you, it's just...I don't wanna waste my time with a piece of trash like you when I've got more important things on my hands. So stay the hell outta my face, rookie, or I'm break both your legs and make you wear your ass as a helmet.

Anyway, yeah, Jaguar and Saturn. All I ever hear is that I'm only good for laughs and that I'm no good in the ring. Well, dammit, dammit, sonuvvabitch, I wonder why I have this UWF World Title? It's not because Viper-X handed it over. He gave me one hell of a fight and I beat him. No, I won this title because I pretty much won the tournament for it. Yes, a tournament. Believe it or not, you a-holes, I haven't always put on a comedy act. It was only after I realized I wanted to have fun while wrestling that I started doing that, but I won five titles in other federations running purely on intensity and wrestling ability alone. Don't think that intensity isn't there any more just because I'd rather have fun than drink blood and dig graves, as some others in this federation enjoy doing. I've already had to do this once, but right now, I'm gonna put on a little exhibition match for you. This won't go down in the record books, it's jus' a little sumpin' I'd like to show you.

He pulls a copy of The Bloodhound Gang's "Hooray For Boobies."

Johnny: Hehe. At least you got good taste in music. Yeah, I've been followin' these guys ever since "Dingleberry Haze" came out. Have you? ... Ah, yes, "I Hope You Die." No, Jaguar, you really go better with the song "Mope" or "Three Point One Four." Well, I'm gonna get my opponents together...yes, opponents...you may have seen me fight one of them on many different occasions, his name is Krittler!

"Bawitdaba" by Kid Rock fires up on the speakers surrounding the ring, Krittler runs out and dives beneath the ropes into the ring. He climbs a turnbuckle and raises his hands into the air as if there was a huge crowd around.

Johnny: And his partner with the dorky name, Bumble Boy!

Nothing.

Krittler: Oh, um...Bumble Boy changed his name. He's now...uh...The White Rabbit...*sigh*....Yes, I tried to talk him out of this, too, but...he's out there...dressed like a rabbit...

Crew and staff members around the ring explode with laughter. Laughing especially hard are Johnny and Highrider. The theme from "Alice In Wonderland" starts playing and out comes a 6'8", 295-pound mean-looking well-tanned all-muscle guy...in long white tights with a fuzzy tail and bunny ears. Johnny and Highrider almost fall over laughing.

Highrider: Oh...holy geez, *gasp* are you sure you couldn't find anyone better, man?

Krittler: Uh, look, okay, sure, he may dress funny and have strange fetishes with rabbit suits, but he's a helluva wrestler and if given the chance, he could make it big someday.

Johnny: Dressed as a f-cking rabbit?! Unlikely, guys. Well, anwyay...(He picks up a mic) Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please welcome the UWF World Heavyweight Champion, he weighs in at 249 pounds, Johnny...VEGAS!

Johnny runs into the ring and takes out White Rabbit's knee while his back is turned. He sweeps his legs around and knocks Krittler's own feet out from under him. Krittler crashes on the mat and Johnny gets up, welcoming the challenge.

Highrider: Hello, all you fans at home watching this spectacular display of athleticism on Johnny's part, I along with my longtime friend Tony Hendrix will be calling the action here for you today.

Tony: That's right, Highrider, and look at Johnny Vegas go at it in the ring. He comes from a great amateur background, you know. Let's get right down to the action. Johnny Vegas firing lefts and rights into the abdomen of Krittler, and a forearm knocks Krittler down and into the corner! Johnny turns around and pulls the stupid rabbit ears off of White Rabbit's head! Good! Johnny with an Irish Whip on Rabbit, and there's a drop-toe hold. Johnny with a big elbow to the lower back of Rabbit, and here comes Krittler! Krittler is baaaaack-bodydropped hard to the mat! Krittler pulls on Johnny's ankle and Johnny tumbles to the mat! Johnny rolls out of the ring, safely away from the big splash Rabbit was attempting on him. Johnny pulls the Rabbit out of the ring, and punches him to the ground!

Highrider: Johnny's goin' up to the top rope for some high risk maneuver!

Tony: That he is! He jumps off the top rope and catches Krittler with a big flying elbow to the top of his head! Krittler is down and writhing in pain! Johnny whips Krittler to the other corner, and runs in after him. Oh, Krittler got a boot on Johnny's face! Johnny staggers backwards and is met with a big clothesline from the Rabbit! Johnny's down, and Krittler holds him in place while Rabbit lands two crushing knees to the gut! Oh, Johnny now kicks up and backwards and nails Krittler in the face with the point of his boot! Johnny sits up and rolls forward out of the way of a falling headbutt, and the Rabbit just accidentally headbutted Krittler's "lower extremities!"

Highrider: Extremities? He just nailed him in his nuts!

Tony: Well, to put it nicely...Johnny now bulldogs the Rabbit and tosses him over the top rope. He picks Krittler up and puts him on the top rope. Johnny climbs up the top rope, looks around, what's he gonna do here? Johnny jumps up, and there's a big hurricanrana! Krittler now falls victim to a flying legrdrop from the adjacent corner! Johnny makes the cover, 1-2--The Rabbit with a chair! The Rabbit breaks it up and Johnny is down! Krittler to the outside, and now he's got a chair!

Highrider: What the hell are these bastards doin'? This is a hardcore match now?

Tony: Well, they're in there with a couple of equalizers! Johnny's in a corner here with two angry chair-weilding men! Krittler takes a swing, Johnny ducks and runs through them! The chair hits the turnbuckle and ricochets back into Krittler's face! Johnny with a spinning heel kick sends Rabbit's chair back into his face as well!

Highrider: Looks to me like bringin' in those chairs was the stupidest thing those two idiots have ever done.

Johnny picks Rabbit up in a fireman's carry, and falls backwards with him! Right onto a metal chair!! Krittler tries swinging that chair at Johnny again, and partially connects with Johnny's shoulder, but nothing that would do any damage. Johnny pries the chair away from Krittler and nails him in the kneecap with it! Krittler lets out a scream and falls to the mat! Johnny with a chair to the back, and he then he tosses it out of the ring. The Rabbit struggles to his feet, and Johnny nails him with a superkick right to the jaw that sends him into the corner. Johnny runs and dropkicks Rabbit square in the chest while he's in the corner! Johnny DDT's Krittler and goes to the outside of the ring. He brings in a table!!!

People around the ring start chanting, "Table! Table! Table!"

Tony: Johnny slides the table in under the bottom rope and gets back in the ring. He grabs the Rabbit and gives him the jackpot!!

Highrider: MONEY, BABY!

Tony: Johnny know tosses Krittler into the corner and chops his chest a few times.

Every time Johnny makes a chop, people around the ring scream, WHOOOOOO!

Tony: Johnny sets up that table, Rabbit is down and Krittler is immobilized standing in the corner! Johnny lays Rabbit across the table, what's he gonna do here? He puts Krittler in sitting position on the top rope, and it looks like he's gonna superplex him through that table! He has him up, and he's holding him up! Oh my GAWD! Johnny just nailed the JACKPOT on Krittler from the TOP ROPE, through the TABLE and through the RABBIT!

Highrider: No mercy, baby, and there's the cover by Johnny, 1, 2, 3! It's over, Johnny Vegas is your winna!!

Highrider gets in the ring to congratulate Johnny and raise his hand. He hands Johnny a microphone. Johnny looks at the camera and speaks.

Johnny: The fire is still there, baby, and you've seen what I can do! And don't give me no bullshit about how these guys are nobodies, they were still two fine wrestlers, who brought in chairs, to boot, and I absolutely destroyed them! Expect more of the same! Jaguar, Saturn, come Sunday you can count on the exact same thing happening to you, only I'm gonna make you bleed, too!

Highrider hands him the UWF Belt.

Johnny: I'm gonna walk out of the arena this Sunday with this piece of gold, and one of the pieces of gold you have around your waist! And like they say in casinos around Vegas, "YOU CAN BET ON IT!"

The scene fades.

We're in Johnny's house where Johnny, Highrider, and their friend and Johnny's neighbor Cassie are interested in the television, and for good reason. Cavern has just started an interview against Johnny, apparently for no good reason at all...since Johnny has no match with him...and the three just sit in stunned disbelief at the incredibly tastless and tacky promo that Cavern is polluting the airwaves with. Highrider and Cassie look on pretty much expressionless towards the piece of trash, but Johnny is biting his lip and has a look in his eyes he usually only gets before wrestling a match. The interview ends, and Johnny calmly picks up the remote, turns the TV off...then hurls the remote control across the room.

Johnny: ....Okay...you two have been watching interviews with me for a long time. Can you tell me, what two assholes did Cavern just totally rip that interview off from?

Highrider & Cassie: The Two Dudes With Attitudes.

Johnny: Okay. I'm glad I'm not going crazy. If I remember correctly, this is the second time someone has done a "cardboard cutout" interview sprinkled with gay "dick jokes."

(He is acting extraordinarily calm for this type of situation, but it is clearly seen he is just holding in the bottled anger.)

Highrider: Yes...so very, very unoriginal and not the least bit creative. He even used the "no backbone" gag. Well, I guess it is standard for wrestlers to deliver that line during those "cardboard cutout" interviews. Remember, Shawn and Diesel said the same thing! They even had the same gay jokes!

Cassie: Oh, man, I wouldn't be surprised if Wolv--um, I mean, Cavern was actually Shawn Michaels in disguise. Really good disguise, Cavern is way too ugly.

Highrider: Johnny...we're gonna hafta do something about this.

Johnny: Um, no. I am not going to give that mutant freak wannabe the satisfaction of even watching one of our interviews. Not against a horribly uncreative interview like that. In fact, I believe...(He gets up and opens a drawer to the side of the huge TV revealing a bunch of video tapes. I believe that we have here...a promo we cut against Shawn's "cardboard cutout" interview. Here, let's watch it, I bet we can apply most of it to Cavern's f-cking interview.

After rifling around in the drawer for a while, he produces a tape labled "Old Englishman Interview" and pops it in. Here's what they see:

The scene fades in with Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" in the background. Johnny and Highrider are sitting in antique-looking Olde English style chairs, with monacles and fancy old brown suits on. Johnny is smoking one of those curvy, Sherlocke Holmes-style pipes and reading a thick, dusty book which has a limp, gold bookmark protruding from the top. There is a heavy oak door behind them, and a fireplace not too far from that. The style is very reminiscent of the setting of an old mansion with snooty English gentlemen running the place.

Johnny: (In an "old man" English accent.)Hello, and welcome to "Mah-stah-piece Thee-ay-tuh."

Cassie giggles at their silly interview as Johnny fast-forwards a bit.

Johnny: Yes, now then! Before I unmercifully attack all of the "gay" jokes that transpired during the Dudes' interview, I want to talk about "unoriginality." Now, then. Shawn Michaels and Diesel. Two former superstars in another federation, who, probably against contract in other federations, walked into the UWF and started spouting off gay jokes. Ahem.

Highrider: Yes! How unoriginal is that? The Vegas Connection take originality to a whole new level! Let me assure you that whatever happens, the Vegas Connection thought of it first!

Johnny: Good show, lad. And now, let us talk about one of the Dudes' obsessions, homosexuality and their penchant for "gay" jokes. Highrider, will you be reading PlayGirl and ...excuse my poor language..."cumming" in my hand tonight?

Highrider: Oh, Johnny, you have just no idea how childish and desperate you appear when you say that!!!

Johnny: Yes, my point exactly, Sir Thomas. "Dudes," I suggest that you be a tad bit more sophisticated when you deal with us. As you can see, my poorly misguided bastard children, we are far superior to you in every way. And please, Weisel, stop rubbing your hand all the time. It just looks gross.

Highrider: Hark! What do I hear, but the voices of The Two Dudes With Attitudes!

Johnny: Yes! come, let us open the door and let them in!

Johnny opens the door behind them and brings in two cardboard cut-outs of Shawn and Diesel.

Highrider: Well, I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle, Johnny! If it isn't Shawn and Diesel!

Johnny: No, my friend. They are only cardboard cutouts! Come, let us treat them like real people and expect them to talk to us! Ahem, Shawn, if your penis is less than a quarter of an inch in diameter, please say nothing at all. This goes for you, too, Diesel.

....................

Johnny: Ah, yes, just what I thought!

Highrider: Johnny, do you know know how unoriginal and boring this is to our viewers?

Johnny: Of course, of course! I'm sure that's what the general population was thinking when the Dudes did it!

Highrider: Oh, oh, jolly good show, lad! Bleeding brilliant! You really had me for a while there!

Johnny: And now, it is time to bid adieu to Mah-stah-piece Thee-ay-tah. We had a right wonderful time being here with you, but it is time we go watch the telly to see what kind of homosexual nonsense the Dudes will come up with this time.

Highrider: Yes, I hate to say goodbye, but we must patiently wait for Shawn and Diesel to try to one-up us!! But be wary, lads, you will not be able to! All right then, buh-bye! We will see you all on Monday!

Johnny: Cheers!

Cassie: Oh my gosh, you're right! You can pretty much use all of that against Cavern! Man, he's pathetic to be stealing jokes from The Two Dudes!

Johnny: So you see, there's no reason I should give Cavern the satisfaction of even seeing me on TV. He can kiss my hard bronze ass.

Highrider: Uggh...I'm gonna turn the real TV on. That UWF promo show wasn't even over yet. Well, I agree with you about not countering Cavern's interview. I'm sure the fans, the wrestlers, and even the President of this very federation can see how unoriginal and immature Cavern is.

Johnny: Hehe, yes, my good friend, I think Cavern has actually countered himself with that interview...Cheers! Hah.

The scene fades as the trio smile at Cavern's child-like stupidness.

"And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, live from Las Vegas, this is The Sort-Of-Late Show with Johnny Vegas!"

Applause from the 100 or so fans that have packed into the UWF Las Vegas studio to see Johnny Vegas with yet another brilliant promo that puts others to shame.

Johnny Vegas (who just came from backstage): Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Sort-Of-Late Show, You all know my name, that's right, I'm Johnny Vegas, fearless UWF World Heavyweight Champion, and boy, oh, boy, do we have a show for you tonight. We have a very special guest in the back right now, she's my good friend and yours, her name is Cassie!

Applause

Johnny: And I want you all to give a big warm welcome to my good buddy Highrider and the UWF Sort-Of-Late-Show Band!

Camera swings around to view Highrider at the keyboards. The band plays a little ditty to a lot of applause from the fans...who knew Highrider could get down on the keyboards like that?

Highrider: Man, oh, man, it's gonna be a helluva show.

Johnny: That it is, my main man, now we've got some happenings in the news around here, first off, there's "The Entertainer Hawk!"

A mixed reaction. A smattering of applause, a few boos here and there, most people just don't care about him.

Johnny: Now, I've got nothing against Hawk, in fact, he's actually not a bad guy. He can get on my nerves every now and then, but I won't hold it against him. He recently posed some questions to everyone involved in the UWF, and I'd like to pose the answers to the questions that deal...with me. So here we go...

And the answer to your number 8: Hawk, let's just say that we both simultaneously raised the bar of creativity a little higher, because before this fed, we didn't know you and you didn't know us, but we were both more creative than all the other slapsticks parading around here with goofy smiles.

Then there's the answer to number 4: We couldn't give less of a rat's ass. Polls don't mean dog shi-t here. Wrestling and mic skills do.

Ah, the answer to question #3. Highrider, why don't you take this one?

Highrider: Ah, yes, the answer. Maybe Hawk got here after I started actually wrestling in this federation, so let me clue him in. When I first came here, I didn't intend to wrestle. I just sort of got tangled up in this mess and now I can't get out. I was so enjoying the peace and tranquility of managerialship, so reverting back to "sidekick" status with Johnny isn't a problem for me...just for your information, sidekicks are called "managers" in the world of wrestling...

Johnny: And we're gonna skip number 2, mainly 'cuz I don't have an answer for it, and proceed to number 1. The answer to this question is...Duh! I'm already here!

The audience applauds as the band plays a short...whatever you call a short musical piece. I'll make up my own word and call it a "Musabit." Thank you.

Johnny Vegas: Well, the big news here is Cavern...(boos) the man who single-handedly accounted for $10,000,000 of the X-Men Movie's opening week gross. This man needs to get a life, ladies and gentlemen...He's a man with a Wolverine haircut who has fake adamantium claws taped to his knuckles. A big, hairy, ugly man who steals interviews from other wrestlers, accuses them of being rip-offs, then spreads blasphemous rumours and lies, thereby pissing them all off. And oh, the gay jokes? Yeah, you know, the ones he spouts off with unabashed enthusiasm? It's all a product of a hate-filled childhood...and the recent self-realization that he, himself, is a homosexual. Yes, Wolverine, if you've made it a point to piss me off to the fullest extent, you've succeeded, if this is your way of trying to get a title shot from me, you've failed, my friend! Last time I checked, I had no respect for anuslicking queers who call the Vegas Connection, "wanna-be's." First things first, who in the name of Jimmy Pop Ali are the New Age Outlawz? Any idea?

Highrider: Quite possibly the band of desperados that kidnapped, raped and sodomized Cavern when he was small, I really have no idea...

Johnny: ...And he thinks we wanna be like them? I dunno about you, Cavern, but this is the UWF, the only federation worth watching, if you'd rather watch the New Age Outlawz than the very federation that you are in, then that, you ratsucking hermaphrodite...is sad. All right! Don't worry, folks, we're just getting warmed up here--

Suddenly a man bearing resemblance to Regis Philbin runs through the crowd with a sack full of canned hams.

Regis-guy: That's right, get your "Big-Ass Hams!" Get em' while they're canned!

Johnny: Whoa! It's the Big-Ass Ham vendor! And he's heading out the back door now, what a surprise that was! Hey, can someone who got one...yeah, hold up the can for the camera here...

The fan holds up the "Big-Ass Ham." It has a picture of Cavern and Scorpion on the sides, which the crowd immediately erupts in laughter at.

Johnny: All right, ladies and gentlemen, through the joys of modern technology, we will now be able to show you exactly what Cavern is doing at this very moment, as you all know, this show is taped beforehand, but through the miracle of modern technology, let's get Cavern up on the screen here, this is what he's doing right now, ladies and gentlemen...

The camera quickly segues into a scene where a costumed Barry Lincoln, UWF Head Productions Manager for the UWF Las Vegas Studios, is dressed as Cavern, in a white tank top and polka-dotted boxer shorts. Next to him on the couch lies a "Wolverine" Halloween costume. "Cavern" is eating Cheetos and watching...well, you listen...

TV: Oooooh, yyeeaaah...we're two gay guys having sex....oh, we ain't working out, baby, we are definitely two homosexual men humping each other's brains out...

Johnny: Oh, good grief! Get that filth off of there! Whoo-ee, ladies and gentlemen, and Wolverine wonders why his "lower extremities" are always orange by the end of the night!

laughter

Johnny: Well, I think it's time I headed over to my desk, for todays TOP TEN LIST!

The crowd cheers and applaudes. Johnny moves to his desk, sits down, and takes a sip of the cup of coffee there. He takes a pencil and hurls it at the camera.

Johnny: Oh, so Highrider? Do you accept Wolvie's challenge or what?

Highrider: He challenged me to something??

Johnny: Well, apparently he did, I didn't hear it either, until the last promo aired, he says that if he can beat you, then he'll get a shot at my title.

Highrider: Hah, oh, well, man, I say bring him on!!!

The crowd applauds and cheers.

Johnny: Well, there you have it...very quickly, before I get on with the Top Ten List, I want to show you all some books here...here we go. Yes, I've got a group of books here that I personally felt had humorous titles. First off...(He places the book on the edge of the desk where the camera picks it up.)

Johnny: This one is by Cavern himself: It's entitled..."Can you give me directions to the nearest gay community?"

Laughter

Johnny: Next up, also a book by Wolv--dammit, I mean, Cavern, it's entitled...(Puts the book on the edge of the desk) "1,001 ways to piss people off and look stupid doing it!"

More hard laughter.

Johnny: And we have time for one more right now...I'd love to do more, but the stage manager is giving me the finger...this one is by Scorpion. Here we go, everyone take a look at this. "How I got turned down by a World Champion because I was a whiney little whore."

Crowd erupts with laughter.

Johnny: And yes, it's time for tonights TOP TEN LIST, ladies and gentlemen, (A flashy "Top Ten" intro is shown as Johnny is talking.) And the category tonight is, "Top Ten Reasons Everyone Who Wants To Fight Johnny Vegas Would Lose If They Fought Him." And here we go with number 10...

The screen cuts to a separate background where the top ten answers will be shown.

Johnny: ...Cavern is too busy "playing video games with his friend!"

Number 9..."Scorpion, well, Scorpion is denied for being a whiney, inexperienced whore."

Number 8..."Cavern was born without the left side of his brain."

Highrider: Now, doesn't that mean that he can't read, write or talk?

Johnny: That's exactly what it means. And now....

Number 7..."Perry Saturn is a human piece of dog sh-t,"

Number 6..."Jaguar-F doesn't even have the brains to know what fed he's in..."

Number 5..."Scorpion is denied for being a whiney, inexperienced whore, I can't stress this enough"

Number 4...Cavern was also born without the right side of his brain..."

Highrider: Of course! It all makes perfect sense now!

Johnny: Number 3..."Perry Saturn is clueless as to how he even has one of the tag team belts,"

Number 2..."If Jaguar-F is so good, why is he named Jaguar-F and not Jaguar-A?"

And ladies and gentlemen, the Number One Reason Everyone Who Wants To Fight Johnny Vegas Would Lose If They Fought Him...

"Cavern thinks we're the New Age Outlawz!!"

Another "musabit" is played to applause and laughter. Johnny sits smiling at his desk.

Highrider: Hey, I can think of something else to add to that list about Cavern...

Johnny: What?

Highrider: "He has to follow-up his interviews with short, pointless pieces of blasphemous lies to get cheap heat."

Johnny: Well-done, my friend. Oh, and did I mention that I am denying Scorpion a shot at my title because he's a whiney loser whore with no friends and a big nose? Oh, and because he just tried to walk in and get a World Title Shot? Oh, Scorpion, Scorpion, Scorpion...And to everyone in the crowd, I'm gonna make damn sure that people that deserve a title shot get one, not nobody jerk-offs who just stroll through the door! Anyway, I'd like to introduce my first and only guest, Cassie!!

Cassie walks in from backstage looking stunningly beautiful. The band plays a "musabit" while the crowd applaudes. She sits down.Johnny: So, Cassie, welcome to the show...I noticed that Cavern had some very harsh words concerning you in his little "promo add-on."

Cassie: Yes, and I highly advise all of you hear not to believe him. I mean, a guy who depends on jack-off jokes, video games and watching TV with his Auntie to "spice up" his promos can't be trusted.

Johnny: So, you did not sleep with him?

Cassie: Oh, of course not, no matter what he says. In fact, if he even implies that he did even once more, it just goes to show you what an immature, uncreative little bastard he is. Besides, he's way too hairy and ugly, but has the personality of a dorky 14-year-old kid.

Johnny: Would you sleep with me?

Cassie: Well, let's just say you're cute and you only have the personality of a dorky 18 year old kid.

Johnny: YYYEEEEEEEESS! Well, everyone, my producer is giving me the finger again, that's it for the Sort-Of-Late Show! We'll catch ya this Sunday!

Highrider: And be sure to watch me carry our team to victory in the Tag Team match!

Johnny hurls a pencil at him as the scene fades out, audience laughing the whole time. Phew!!

The camera fades in on Johnny Vegas, who is sitting with a black silk shirt over a black t-shirt, and black jeans with black steel-toed boots. He wears $300 silver mirror-lensed shades. The background is pretty much black, and Vegas looks into the camera.

Johnny: Hey. Welcome to the first ever edition of "Tellin' It Like It Is." Now, I can't go back and forth every single day cutting some humorous interviews against supreme a-holes who want a piece of me. Sometimes I have to get serious, because it seems there's no other way to get into these pricks' heads. So yes, I'm gonna be tellin' it like it is right now. No jokes here, at least, no planned ones.

The first subject I'd like to speak on is Cavern. Cavern--who has been attacking my good friend Cassie, even dressing up other little girls to look like her, and pretending that they really are her--has nothing to fall back on in his promos except "gay" jokes, "jack-off" jokes, and not only does he have to fall back on these, he has to fall back on them repeatedly. Cavern, it may get some cheap heat off me, but it's not going to get you anywhere. Do you think it makes me respect you? Hell no! I hate your rotten guts! I honestly would just laugh it off and chalk it up to your experience if you were only trying to humiliate Highrider and I, but when you bring one of my best friends into the picture, you simply anger me. You can go around with your little Cassie wanna-be girls, but just remember that the real girl is one of my best friends and your little whores symbolize her in your own twisted mind. I hate you. I go around the UWF, trying to lighten the f-cking place up a little, and the thanks I get from you are gay jack-off dick-sucking jokes! I remember that when President Simon had that first meeting with me when I joined, he told me, "Just for your information, No one here can say things like, 'Suck your moms dick while she licks your dad's asshole.'" His words, not mine. I simply laughed. I didn't think anyone would have to stoop that low to make someone mad, but Cavern, you are getting lower and lower each and every time I hear from you. Then you try to associate us with that other tag team, the New Age Outlawz. Look, don't you know that it is very unprofessional to talk about wrestlers not even in this federation? Personally, I don't see the connection you make between The Vegas Connection and the Outlawz, and I'm sure that no one else here does, either. Cavern, just stop your pitiful attempts, because in the eyes of every wrestler and staff member here, you just look plain stupid.

Look, I'm not going to send Highrider out to get you, Cavern. I am going to take you on personally. But look, I don't give title shots on my own jurisdiction to people who disrespect me. You will not get a shot at my title until you clean up your damn act and show a little respect to the Champion of the federation that you're in. Do you honestly expect a title shot after the things that you have said? No. I will simply fight you. And I don't want this to be a wrestling match. I hope the President is listening, because I want you, Cavern, in a hardcore brawl. A wrestling match will not be enough, because I know I'll get disqualified for absolutley destroying you. This will be an out-and-out fight, you and me, no titles on the line, this is just for honor. To prove that I can kick your ass in the most brutal kind of match. And that's all I got to say 'bout that, Cavern.

Then, there's another man in the UWF who has been targeting me and pissing me off. His name is Scorpion. Scorpion, you have to understand something. I don't have anything against you except for the fact that you have walked in here and demanded a title shot without even paying your dues. Scorpion, you need to realize that it doesn't matter a rat's ass about how long you've been wrestling, or how many titles you've had in other federations, or how good you think you are, it matters what you've done in this federation. You haven't done a damn thing here except piss me off. You are not a contender for the belt until you have actually won some matches. I am not afraid of a man who is a rookie in the UWF, a man who has nothing better to do than throw challenges at me. Why would the Champion of a federation as fine as the UWF be scared of anyone like you? Rest assured and mark my words that if I fought you, I would win. In fact, I'm more than willing to fight you, but not with a title on the line, just like Cavern. I'm not afraid to put my title on the line, but I see no reason why either of the two of you deserve it! I want to put my title on the line against guys who have fought to build this federation and deserve a shot at it. Scorpion, you seem to want every single title in the UWF, well, man, it doesn't work that way!!

Highrider has accepted your challenge for a match. You two are gonna have a good ol' fashioned wrestling match, and he's gonna beat the hell out of you. No three-way retirement match, just a one-on-one extravaganza. He's an angry 7' 320 pound monster, don't think you'll get past him. And if you somehow beat him--CLEANLY--maybe I'll give you a title shot, because anyone who can beat Highrider can't be taken lightly. The catch is cleanly... any interference or foreign objects in that match, Scorpion, and you just lost yourself a title match. President Simon, take not of that as well. A cheating, conniving assbite doesn't deserve a shot, but if you can cleanly pin Highrider, 1-2-3--which is damn near impossible--you can get your shot. Do I make myself perfectly clear?

And now, as for the real contenders for this World Title. Guys like Jett, Cellrock, and Kirucore I've always been happy to give shots to, but they seem to be fading a little, not really coming around here as much. That's fine, if they come back and want a title shot, they can have it. But there are also guys that I respect like Degeneration-X. Sure, they're in a rival stable, but these guys have an impressive won/lost record and all of them surely deserve a title shot, especially if they respect the World Champ. So the door is open to any member of DX for a title shot. Learn from them, Scorpion and Cavern, for the ones I have named are the ones who are worthy. Not you.

Finally, the subject of Perry Saturn and Jaguar-F, I don't have much to say to you regarding either our World Title Match or the Tag Team match that hasn't already been said. All I can say is, may the best man--ME--win. Rest assured that I'l be walking out of the arena with two belts.

Thank you, and this has been, "Tellin' It Like It Is." I'm Johnny Vegas, and you're not.

The camera fades out.

Highrider's huge lifted light metallic blue 1998 Chevy is seen cruising down a dusty desert road playing "La Grange" by ZZ Top at an ear-shattering level. After a while, the truck slows down and pulls of the side of the road in a small community, not even big enough to be called a town, and into a dusty, rickety gas station. Highrider turns the truck off and gets out. His snakeskin boots leave deep imprints in the red earth beneath him as he walks over to the gas pump and begins to fill it up. Finally, the pump makes a clicking sound and stops. Highrider taps the nozzle on the inside edge of the gas tank opening then hangs it back up before going inside to pay. A little middle-aged man sits on a cooler with his legs propped up on a desk near the cash register. He glances up and then goes back to reading his "UWF Magazine." He then slowly lowers the magazine and his eyes can be seen moving up the length of Highrider's body until he makes eye contact. Trembling, the little man speaks:

Man: You--you're Highrider! My Gosh! You--what are you doing out here in Grangeville?

Highrider: So, this place is called Grangeville, huh? Wow, I don't hardly even remember this little town bein' here...oh, aw, Johnny wanted to have some time alone to deal with that bastard Cavern, so I decided to take a little road trip before the PPV. See the countryside. So I owe you $29.50. Here ya go.

He tosses a $50 in the man's direction.

Man: Oh, gee, thanks! Hey, have--have you seen the new issue of this magazine??

Highrider: Actually, no. Don't really pay much attention to it.

Man: Here, take mine! There's an article written by that Entertainer guy that deals with you in here. Look, page 27.

Highrider takes the magazine and thumbs to page 27. He reads the segment about him being a sidekick.

Highrider: Well, hey, that's what I was trying to tell him. Sidekicks are called "managers" in the world of wrestling. I don't care if he does see me as Johnny's sidekick. I enjoy it. Ya know, (looking at the man) I think I was having more fun when I didn't wrestle here. Hawk doesn't bother me by calling me a sidekick. I whole-heartedly agree with him. I've had my time in the spotlight, I'm perfectly happy with myself. Lemme see...the part about us being the Dudes, well, I can't argue with him. I guess we do kinda share a lot of the same traits. But it's not like we planned that, eh?

Man: Yeah, I know. Sometimes things just fall together like that. Speaking of Hawk, Scorpion was on TV a little while ago and invited Hawk to be his tag team partner.

Highrider: Oh, gawd! Man, I hope Hawk thinks long and hard about that decision...I think Hawk would fit in better with guys like me and Johnny, myself. Hawk may think that Johnny hates him, but Johnny actually gets a kick out of him. So do I, really. For Hawk to align himself with a piece of dog sh-t like Scorpion would be a crime.

Man: Oh, and Scorpion had some words for Johnny, too. Well, I taped the interview, actually, I taped the whole show, because my kids like watching them but they both have jobs right now and never have time to watch it. Here, watch this.

He presses the play button on the old Hitachi VCR and the dusty screen comes to life. The man rewinds a bit to the beginning of Scorpion's interview. He and Highrider watch the interview in it's entirety. Highrider just kind of has his face twisted into a "this is bullsh-t" expression.

Highrider: Doesn't this Scorpion bastard ever listen to any of Johnny's intervies? The piss-drunk cock? And good Lord, he thinks everyone is scared of him! I can tell you right now that Johnny isn't even going to respond to that interview, because he already responded to it the last time he did an interview.

Man: Yes, it's sad when a wrestler has nothing better to do than do the same interview with different words one after another.

Highrider: You said it, man. I think Scorpion needs to wake up and realize that no one is scared of him. If his wrestling skills are anything like his interview skills, I think we can all rest assured that he's going to quickly have a 0-20 record in the UWF. They're terrible. The fans hate him, the wrestlers hate him, and I personally hate him. I hope Hawk doesn't fall in with this a-hole.

Man: I thought you already accepted his challenge, anyway?

Highrider: Exactly! That's what I mean. Johnny has told this guy that if by some means of incredible miracle on his part he beats me, then he gets a shot at the title. If not, then he's f-cked out of a title shot for the next month. Where is this guy's head?

Man: Somewhere in the anal region, I believe.

Highrider lets out a hearty laugh as the man smiles, pleased.

Highrider: Yeah, that's true. He doesn't even remember when he called Johnny out. He says that Johnny started talking about him first! If I remember correctly, Johnny tried ignoring this pig sh-t, but Scorp just kept coming back saying Johnny was scared. Who wouldn't verbally attack Scorpion like that? Ya know what, Johnny has never singled out one person for attack without that person singling him out first. No one will leave him alone, and he's gonna snap and maul someone pretty soon. When you got four, five guys gunning for you all the time, you're bound to do something that a cornered animal would do.

Man: Well, I'm sure you're going to beat Scorpion when you fight him. At least that'll be one less opponent Johnny has to worry about.

Highrider: Well, dude, thanks for the conversation, I better be off to pick up Johnny and go to the airport. Gettin' mighty close to No Mercy. And I gotta call President Simon to set up my match against Scorpion. Later, man.

Man: Here, son. Take this as a memento of Grangeville.

He opens a drawer next to him and pulls out a fancy leather string tie with a metal encasement with a glass cover over it attached to the tie. Inside the glass cover is a scorpion.

Highrider: Whoa, you sure? These scorpion string ties are pretty expensive!

Man: No, it's my gift to you. A good luck memento for when you fight the very creature in that tie.

Highrider looks at the scorpion.

Highrider: Thanks, man. Maybe I'll bring Johnny back to this little town someday.

He walks out of the gas station and to his truck. He drives off down the dusty desert road. After driving for about a minute, he looks in his rear-view mirror. Startled, he pulls the truck to the side of the road and gets out. He looks back. The little town is gone. He stares in amazement for a full three minutes before reaching into his pocket and pulling out the scorpion string tie. He looks at it, then presses it into is palm. A look of satisfaction spreads across his face as he gets in his truck and departs back to Las Vegas.

Johnny Vegas and Castor Russ are sitting on a light brown leather couch on the first floor of Paul "Ace" Burnett's huge mansion in Tijuana, Mexico. They both have bandages on their foreheads, but they don't seem to really care. Castor sits doodling on some sort of magazine as Johnny waits for the camera to turn on to begin his promo.

Johnny: Dude, what are you doing with a National Geographic magazine?

Castor: Ah, uh, I got bored so I'm drawing panties on the natives.

The camera's red light blips on.

Johnny: Drawing panties on the natives?

He notices the camera's red light and his facial expression says, "dammit!" Castor notices as well, and as Johnny begins talking he slowly puts the National Geographic behind his back.

Johnny: Well, look at me. I'm beaten and I'm bruised, but dammit, I don't care because I have here...ONE of the tag team belts, and the ONE UW World Championship Title Belt in my posession. Not even the fact that a cowardly gang of mongoloids attacked me last night can bring me down, because I know that I truly am the best in this federation. Uh, besides Castor Russ, of course. Right now, I have a message for the R.O.T. Yes, the Rather Odorous Testicles. The acronym "ROT" really sums you guys up rather well; a group of rotten, filthy, disgusting cheating assbiters who wouldn't dare face me in a one-on-one situation. Well, that's all fine and good, ROT, because I have two of the greatest wrestlers in this federation to back me up, plus I have Castor here.

Castor: You already used that joke, you 'tard.

Johnny: No, actually, Castor is the kind of man who will stoop very, very low to get the job done. He's a man with no morals. He's a man just like every single member of ROT...except he has a personality...and he's on my side. The point I'm trying to make is this: You guy's ain't as bad as you think you are, and the High Rollers can take you out. You had to rely on underhanded b-tch tactics to get the best of us last night, but I bet your tunes will change reeeal quick when you have to face the four of us in the ring in a fair fight. So, ROT, I challenge four of your members, Cellrock, JT Fringe, Saturn, and Jaguar-F*ck to an eight-man elimination match this FRIDAY! Sure, my team will probably be doing double duty that night, but that won't make a f-ckin' difference, because a group of good wrestlers can beat the living hell out of a group of no-good cheats any day in a fair fight. Why don't you smoke on that and get back to me. Just remember, you have one piece of gold...and we have three.

Castor opens his mouth to speak just as Highrider comes into the camera's view.

Highrider: Whooooaaa! This place is cool! Ace has got a ten-foot deep swimming pool on the third floor! Uh, oh, sh-t man, you doin' a promo?? I got some sh-t to say to Scorpion. Scorpion, I saw your pathetic little excuse for an interview earlier today, and I was so not impressed! The fact that you have to accuse everyone of being scared of you shows just how very, very stupid you really are. Can't you get it through your thick, thick skull that Johnny has other business to tend to? He doesn't have time to fight your retarded f-ck ass right now! No one is scared of you! All those scared of Scorpion, raise your hands right now! (He looks into the camera and starts to move his head as if he is looking into the living rooms of millions nationwide.) Nope, that's what I thought, not one person here is scared of you, Scorpion. I have a little spare time on my hands, though, and if Johnny wants to make you fight for your title shot, then more power to him! He's the champion, assf-ck! What he says, goes, not the other way around!

As for your little stipulations, well, you must have some serious wax buildup in that hollow cranium of yours, because it was already stated that if anyone interferes on your part that you lose your title match priviledges. So Scorpion, the only actual innovative stipulation you came up with was for this match to be a Hell In A Cell. Well, it's fine with me, but you better ask the president first, boy, because he's made it very vocal that gimmick matches are not the rule around the UWF, but down-to-earth wrestling matches are. So sure, I accept your little stipulation. Hell In A Cell. I don't know why you want me to toss you off the top of the cage and break your back upon the steel guardrail, but if that's what you want, than so be it.

Oh, yeah, and by the way, you got a win last night because your opponent was a man who signed up in this fed, left, and came back to fight you with no knowledge of exactly what the f-ck was going on. Big deal, you beat someone who is obviously a habitual loser. Now, you beat someone who is a habitual winner like me, and then you can say something, especially if you beat me clean. ...Wait, no, if you beat me clean, you obviously must be Zeus or something, because that's not something that has been accomplished much in my career. In fact, Johnny has never been cleanly pinned. Yes, that's right, if we were to disregard all the times he was defeated by outside interference, he would still have every single title he's ever held to this very day, but because of trashy crotch goblins like yourself don't like to do things the right way, huh? Oh, yeah, and I got something to say to Hawk...Hawk, if you align yourself with the man called Scorpion, you will be committing career suicide...besides, don't Hawks regularly dine on Scorpions?

Paul is walking around in his mansion and goes up to the three of them after Highrider has cut his interview.

Paul: Hey, Johnny, you know that I have a wedding coming up in less than a week and I was wondering if I could ask you something?

Johnny: Sure, man, what?

Paul: You know that we have been friends for years and we just recently got together to form the Ruedas Atlas.We have been in and out of every major fed here and there up north and down south.Then we just ran into each other here in the UWF.I came in here to win the UWF title, when I just came in and found out that you were the champion..So I thought to myself do I really want to face my good friend Johnny?So I sat there for day's and days and finally thought that I did not want to. I would rather be with you in a stable and rather then fight you. Besides there are other title's that I will hold even before you lose the title.That is really if you ever lose the title.

Johnny: Yeah, that's for sure. I think I showed everyone out there that I am not going to be losing this title anytime soon.

Paul: You know for what I am going to ask you, that you are going to have a lot of responsibility and you are going to be the man at the wedding except for really me being married and all. Elaina has flown out to Phoenix, Arizona to all of her friends house.Yeah the brides maids are going to be her best friends Talina Ward, Angelica Herandez, and Leigh Ann.. From what I heard they are all that and a bag of Fritos. So maybe you and Highrider can take them out after the wedding and get to know them better. You know what I mean?

Highrider: You don't have to tell me twice. Latino HEEEAAT!

Paul: But, anyway why I asked you to come over today is for a specific reason.That reason if the that I am going to ask you maybe the most important a friend can ask another one. That question is for you to be my best man at the wedding this Friday night.. I hope that you can find the time to be able to do this for me man. It will mean a lot to me and Elaina.

Johnny stands there looking somewhat stunned.

Johnny: ...Whoa, man! Yeah, hey, of course, dude. It would be like, my honor to be the best man. What a rush, man!

The crowd cheers wildly at the goings-on on the screen.

Paul: Along with this honor you know that you will have to hire the stipper and get everything ready for the bachelor party and invite all the guys there for my last free night as a single man.I just hope that you will be able to do this for me Johnny.

Johnny: Say no more, my man, It's gonna be the most bitchin' bachelor's party seen in North America!

Paul: Now as for my next match when ever it will be, I hope that you will be ready for me, I am getting ready to be a different man. I will be a married man and one ready to kick some ass and fight off all comer's on my way to become the new heavy weight champion. Hey Johnny I like your idea...He looks into the camera...You know that attack that you guys did on me and my boyz was not a really wise thing to do...With that in mind I am ready to take on all of you as a stable along with my rollin buddies and get ready for one hell of a street fight... You will never get past us, either you take your beating like men or you can run away and take it like little girls.Either way you will be dealt with... What do you think about that.That would be a good wedding gift from you guys. You know we can take on anyone and beat them to the ground, I think that would be the best thing in the world.

Castor: Paul, I haven't given you much of a congratulations yet on your wedding. And since no one will want to hear the sound of my voice at your wedding, I'd like to give a toast to you and Elaina, right now; Paul, Elaina is a great woman, but I still remember your stories of how much you loved your last girlfriend, it's just too bad you over inflated her!

(Castor starts laughing but everyone else sits silent)

Castor: *cough* Okay, well then I wish you guys the best of luck. Paul I hope for you a great life with Elaina, and Elaina, if you ever see this, I hope for you to have a great patience for Paul.

(Castor starts cracking up again but when he notices no one else is laughing he slowly stops laughing and puts his head down)

Johnny: Aaah, poor, poor Castor. Such good intentions, such a big foot in his mouth. Well, ROT, Scorpion, and anyone else who wants to f-ck with the High Rollers, including Cavern, don't count on getting any wins in your column through us. Because we are the most money wrestlers around here, and you can bet on that!

The camera fades.

The camera fades into a large bluish room that looks like something out of the future. There are several audience members looking on, and the camera swings around to reaveal Johnny Vegas in a suit and tie with a curly gray wig on, obviosly dressed as Regis Philbin.

Johnny: Hello, and welcome back to "Who Wants To See a Millionaire: ME!" As you all know, Castor Russ is in the hot seat here, before the break he won the chance to compete on our program. So everyone, get ready, to play..."Who wants to see..A MILLIONAIRE!" Are you ready, Castor?

Castor: ..........Oh, what?

Johnny: I'll take that as a yes. Here we go, for $100. The question is: What is the name of the Rob Zombie song entitled "Dragula?" Is it A: Dragula, B: Goldfinger is Back, C: Madden is Such a Whore, or D: Lick My Sweaty Nutsack?

Castor: Hah ha! Well, I think we all know the answer isn't Dragula! ... Well, I'm teeter-tottering between C and D, so I think I'm gonna hafta use my phone-a-friend.

Johnny: Wow, already? OK, well, who would you like to call?

Castor: Go ahead and get me Madden.

Johnny: All right, and what does Madden do?

Castor: He usually just sits there. Sometimes he'll cut a juicy fart.

Johnny: All right, we'll get our enemies at AT&T to get Madden on the phone for us...

Ringing...

Madden: Hello?

Johnny: Hello, Madden, this is Regis Philbin from TV's "Who Wants To See A Millionaire," and we've got your friend Castor here, and he needs your help.

Madden: I'll do my best.

Johnny: All right, the next voice you hear will be the voice of Castor Russ.

Castor: All right, Madden...

Madden: I thought you said the next voice I hear would be Castor's voice!

Castor: This is Castor, you retard!

Madden: Oh yeah? Prove it.

Castor: Fine! Two nights ago you helped me beat the dog sh*beep*t out of Rod Serling, remember?

Madden: Oh, yeah, I guess it is you. Hey, remember when I kicked him in the eye? Man, he was screamin'!

Castor: Yeah, that was....DAMMIT! Madden, WHAT IS THE NAME OF--

BUUUZZZZ!

Castor throws back his head and covers his face with his hands.

Castor: Oh, dammit, Madden is such a whore...

Johnny: Oh, I'm sorry, Castor, the correct answer was Dragula!

Castor snaps forward at hearing this.

Castor: No!! No, I--

Johnny: Better luck next time, Castor!

Castor sulks away with a defeated look on his face.

Johnny: Okay, and we've got 9 more contestants left here on Millionaire, here is the qualifying question: Put these wrestlers in order by how much they suck, from least to most. A: Jaguar-F, B: Perry Saturn, C: Scorpion, and D: Cavern. You have 10 seconds.

The screen shows a list of names, including Highrider's. Highrider's name is the only one to light up, with a time of 0.01 next to it.

Johnny: And look at that, Highrider from the UWF was the only one with the presence of mind to hit all the buttons at the same time! Come on up here, Big H.

Highrider: Wow. You're Regis Philbin.

Johnny: That I am! Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Highrider: Well, I'm a wrestler in the UWF. Oh, yeah, and I like to break stuff.

Johnny: .....Is there anything in particular that you like to break?

Highrider: Yeah, Scorpion. He's also a wrestler from the UWF. I'll be fighting him sometime soon, and if he cleanly pins me in a Hell In A Cell match, he gets a shot at Johnny's title. If not, he's got to wait one full month before Johnny even looks twice at him. Then he's been cutting some boring promos, and quite a few of them, too, saying he's going to beat me, and then he's going to win the title, well, oh, man, I've seen what this guy can do and I just laugh at it. For him to think the he can beat either member of the Vegas Connection is simply a crock of horse manure. I welcome his challenge, and I welcome beating the living hell out of him. Hey, you're a big fan of the UWF, right, Regis?

Johnny: That I am, Highrider.

Highrider: Did you see the challenge that Jaguar-Failure laid down to Johnny earlier today?

Johnny: Yes, I did, and unbeknownst to all of you, I know Johnny quite well and feel that I can speak for him on this particular subject. Johnny will accept "Jaggy's" challenge and he will retire him from the federation. It's plain and simple. In fact, I, Regis Philbin, want to make sure that the President of your federation, Simon, knows that if anyone interferes on Jaguar's part that he must retire from the UWF. I think it will be very, very interesting.

Highrider: That it will, Regis.

Johnny: Well, why don't we try to make you a millionaire, Highrider?!

Applause!Johnny: All right, for $100, the question is: Are you intimidated by Hawk? Is it: A: Yes, B: No, C: A little, or D: Hawk?

Highrider: Well, Hawk has tried to intimidate myself and Johnny saying that if he is part of any tag team around here, that we will lose the belts. That is not true. For all we care, he can join up with Scorpion, but Scorpion is someone who neither myself nor Johnny have any respect for. He's whiney and unintelligent, and the only reason he wants Hawk to tag with him is because he sees that Hawk has a little talent and figures he can use him to boost his career. But, to end my little digression, the answer is A, no, I am not intimidated by Hawk.

Johnny: And it's right for $100! And now the $200 question. Here it is: Why does the NY Assasin JT Fringe have a narrator say, "Did you know" over and over in his promos followed by a little-known, or sometimes well-known fact? Is it A: He's a queer, B: He really is just that stupid, C: He wants to fool people into thinking he's smart, or D: All of the above?

Highrider: That one's a no-brainer. Hah! Kinda like JT Fringe! I usually don't like answering "All of the above," but in this case, it's the right answer.

Johnny: IS THAT...YOUR FINAL........ANSWER?

Highrider: Yeah. D.

Johnny: And you're up to $200! Now for the $500 question. All right, here we go: Why does the NY Assasin JT Fringe have to use ethnic slurs in his promos? Is it, A: It makes him feel better about himself, B: He just likes to start shbleept, C: He knows it's against the rules and wants to piss Simon off, or is it D: All of the above.

Highrider: Wow, I knew these first few questions would be easy, but come on! It's D again!

Johnny: Is that your.....final answer?

Highrider: Duh.

Johnny: And you've got $500! Let's keep on moving, now it's on to the $1,000 question, here it is: Who are the "they" that Scorpion says is coming and won't shut his trap about? Is it: A: A group of fellow asshole wrestlers who want to wreak havoc on the UWF, B: Satanic mongoloid retards, C: His left and right testicles, or D: His parents?

Highrider: Wow. This one really is a toughie, but I have a hunch about D again. It's been good to me so far.

Johnny: Is that your--

Highrider: YES!

Johnny: Absolutely right! His parent are coming to tell him to shut the fbleepck up! Let's keep rolling along, this one is for $8,000, listen: Why are JT Fringe's interviews really, really stupid? A: He says he wants to make Vegas his prison bbleepch, implying that he wants to inflict gay sodomy on him, B: Because he said he destroyed everyone in the NEWA, and then said "Don't think it will happen again," C: Because he is so far along in Alzheimer's that he thinks Johnny Vegas is a box of raisins, or D: All of the above?

Highrider: Whew, I'm glad you had the answer for D there, especially since answer B makes a lot of sense. So he destroyed the NEWA and now he says it won't happen again? Sounds like he's either apologetic or wimpy or something along those lines...anyway, my answer is D.

Johnny: Is that--

Highrider: DAMMIT, REGIS! YES, IT'S MY FINAL ANSWER!

Johnny: And it's right for $8,000! What do you say we quickly move on to the next question, we're running out of time here, I'm gonna skip up a few because well, they're just too easy...This one is for $250,000: Why haven't the R.O.T, the Rather Odorous Testicles, accepted Johnny's challenge to an elimination stable match for Friday? Is it A: They don't listen to his promos, B: They're queers, C: They don't know what "elimination stable match" means, or D: Just say D and you win?

Highrider: Well, D has been my best bet so far, so I say D. And yes, it's my fbleeping final answer.

Johnny: YES! And we have about two minutes left on the air, let's proceed straight to the $1,000,000 question, yes the $1,000,000 question! Here it is: Who will beat Johnny Vegas for the championship? Will it be: A: Whorepion, B: JT Fridge, C: Jaguar-Failure, or D: Perry Jupiter?

Highrider: Well, I think it's evident that this is a trick question. Johnny is the biggest threat to his own title. If he gets drunk and falls down and hurts himself, he might lose.

Johnny: THAT'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! And now, Highrider, here is your prize!

A wall turns around and reveals Bill Gates to be standing on the platform connected to it. Highrider just stares at him.

Johnny: Remember, the show is called "Who Wants To See A Millionaire," and the winners of the program get to do just that! SEE A MILLIONAIRE!

Highrider sits, fuming.

Johnny: Well, that's it for Who Wants To See A Millionaire, I'm Johnny Vegas, and The ROT are a bunch of hiney hobbit gaybees! Good night!

The camera fades in to reveal two dark, shadowy figures watching what is apparently Perry Saturn's latest interview, the tail end of it, at least. The screen fades and the room is almost completely black. The camera switches its view and a faint outline of someone's face can be seen. Whoever it is is wearing black shades and has a goatee.

Voice #1: He is the one.

Voice #2: There is no question. He will lead us.

Voice #1: We must seek him out. He must work for our cause.

Voice #3: Gentlemen, you are correct. Perry Saturn is the Chosen One who the prophecies spoke of. The one who will lead us into a new era...

Voice #2: An era where entertainment is a sin and the very word is sinful...

Voice #1: An era where long, boring interviews are the norm. He must join us.

Voice #4: Hey, there's a hot porno on Spice right now.

Voice #2: Really? What's it called?

Voice #5: "A Clockwork Orgy."

Voice #6: Yeah, it's really hot.

Voice #1: Hey, we're not here to watch pornos.

Voice #3: Yes. We are here to speak of the chosen one, the leader.

Voice #4: Holy sh-t! Look at what she's doing with those ping-pong balls!

Voice #7: Good Gawd! That's incredible!

Voice #8: It's the coolest thing I've ever seen!

Voice #1: Hey, you guys, I don't think Suehprom wants us to sit aro--Sweet merciful crap! Do you see what she's doing with her tongue?

Voice #9: I see it, but I don't believe it! Hey, are you guys coming to the party tonight?

Voice #3: Dammit, wait 'till Suehprom hears about this. We're supposed to be seeking Perry Saturn, the one the prophets told us would lead us out of the entertainment era. Don't forget, he is the one.

Voice #5: F-ck Suehprom. Damn Lawrence Fishburne look-alike.

Voice #2: Hey, Voice #3 is right. We should be seeking the Chosen One.

Voice #10: Hey, suck it, Voice #2! You too, Voice #3! Bite my ass!

Voice #1: Hey, there are only three of us even in this God-forsaken room. Where the f-ck are all these voices coming from? And will someone turn on the damn lights?

The lights snap on and Johnny Vegas, Highrider, and even Castor Russ are revealed, all rubbing their eyes. They have on black suits and ties. They seem to be in a small storage room of some sort. Castor sits behind a wall of about six crates, and Johnny & Highrider each sit on chairs opposite Castor.

Castor: You all saw it. Perry Saturn is the one. The propets betold of a Chosen One coming in the year Two-Thousand and One Half A.D. and Perry Saturn has got to be him. The one who does boring interviews that no one bothers to watch; the one who accuses those more entertaining than him of being untalented so he can make himself look good. The one who does not use props, the one who does not think about what he's going to say.

Johnny: The one who strives not to entertain, The one who does not realize what power a good interview yields. The one.

Highrider: The one who drew the panties on all the natives in my National Geographic magazine.

Castor sort of looks away as Johnny just stares at Highrider.

Johnny: Come, let us seek out Perry Saturn.

They get up and open the door. As they walk out, it is revealed that they were in a small utility room near the back of a grocery store. There is a sign taped to the door that says "Anti-Entertainment League." They make their way out of the store and walk up to a fairly old, but still nice, Lincoln Towncar.

Highrider: Unlimited technology of the universe and we get stuck drivin' a Ford P.O.S.

Johnny: Uh, it's a Lincoln, man.

Highrider: You mean we're not parodying Men In Black anymore?

Johnny: Come on. We haven't done that for at least a week. Let it be.

They all get in with Castor at the wheel and take off out of the parking lot. They drive for about ten seconds and then pull into a trailer park. Redneck children play half-naked in the path here, here in front of Perry Saturn's house. The three of them get out and knock on the door of a light blue double-wide trailer. The cheap, flimsy door swings open to reveal Madden with a beer.

Castor: Perry Saturn?

Madden: Yes...who wants to know?

Johnny: We're from the AEL.

He flips out his wallet to reveal a picture of him with the letters "AEL" written in black Sharpie underneath his face. A condom drops to the ground.

Johnny: Ah, dammit. Anyway, we just want to ask you a question.

Madden: What is this, some kind of joke?

Highrider: No, sir, we at the FBI do not have a sense of humor that we're aware of.

Johnny: Ixnay on the enmay in ackblay! Uh, Perry Uranus--

Madden: It's Perry Saturn. Get it straight, I'm a f-cking legend. So what, what do you wanna ask me, assbite?

Johnny: I just want to know your feelings on Johnny Vegas.

Madden: Ah, yes, Johnny Vegas. The man who takes cheap shots at my pal JT Fringe. I'm going to teach him a lesson in humility, whether he beats me or not. Yes, he will not be the champion anytime soon. Even though he walked out of a match between he, myself, and Jaguar the champion, he still sucks. Just like the movie Me, Myself and Irene. He will soon hit rock bottom here in the UWF, even though he is no doubt the company's top performer. You know, this kind of reminds me about the time I was on a farm, riding Chocobos around a race track with a pointy-haired little guy named Cloud.

Highrider finally falls over and hits the ground, nearly tumbling off the steps to the door, fast asleep. Castor's knees are buckling, and he falls to the ground in a snoring heap. Johnny stumbles backwards into the railing on the edge of the elevated platform leading to the door.

Johnny: weakly ...He is.....the one....the prophets spoke......................of........

Madden: The--the one? You know, I've been having dreams that I would be the one to lead us into an era of boring, pointless interviews.

Johnny: Then come, stand here.

He directs him to the edge of the steps.

Johnny: If you truly believe that you are the chosen one, jump. If you are truly the one we are searching for, the gods of the pointless, boring interviews will save you.

Madden looks down the 3-foot drop. He turns back to Johnny, and the camera zooms onto his face.

Madden: After you.

Johnny gets a running start and lands on his feet.

Madden: Ah, DAMMIT! I was hoping you'd die so I wouldn't have to do this sh-t! Very well, here I go...

He jumps and soars off the platform. He lands right on a little redneck boy who is naked as a bluejay.

Madden: Holy sh-t! Uhhhh....guys! Let's get back in the car!

They scamper into the car and Castor hits the gas pedal so they can get the hell out of there. As they drive off, Kim Basinger runs out of the house. She just stands there screaming as the car fades away.