Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive:	Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant:	Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities:	Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional:	We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic:	Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic depressive:	It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

A man is talking to God and asks him: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?", to which God replies: "so that you would find them attractive". Then the man asks: "God, but why did you have to make them so dumb?". To which God replies: "So that they would find you attractive!"

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. ----------------------------------------------------------------------

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "In what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl." said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....
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"Did you come?"	"Because I didn't."
"I have something to tell you."	"Get tested."
"I'll give you a call."	"I'd rather be a nun than see you again."
"I love you."	"God, what have I gotten myself into?"
"I think we should just be friends."	"Man! You're ugly."
"We need to talk."	"I'm pregnant."
"I had a wonderful time last night."	"Who the hell are you?"
"I've learned a lot from you."	"Next"
"I think we should see other people."	"You're boring."
"I feel its time to express our love for each other."	"Shut up and fuck me!"
"Is there something wrong?"	"Is it supposed to be this soft?"
You're so mature."	"I hope you're eighteen."

Public service announcements from around the world:

USA: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your children are?"
Italy: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your husband is?"
France: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your wife is?"
Poland: "It's ten o'clock: do you know what time it is?"

God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carring heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be an DONKEY!

The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him: You will look after the men house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!

The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.

The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.

The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.

That was what God did, and since then, Man live 20 years like a man, the he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.

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Q1 : Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586 ?
Apple : Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q2 : What algorithm did Intel use in Pentium's floating point divider ? Apple : "Life is like a box of chocolates" (Sounds familiar)

Q3 : What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? Apple : A mad scientist.

Q4 : What's the purpose for "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums ? Apple : Warning labels.

Q5 : What does "INTEL inside" means? Apple : INT(ernal) E(rror) L(ogic) inside

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A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "Whem I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!". "Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic. "Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!".

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Patient: Doctor, I want to live for 120 years. What should I do to accomplish that?
Doctor: It's easy. All you have to do is to stay away from alchohol, women, cigarettes, junk food, and gambling.
Patient: Can you guarantee that I will live for 120 years, if I follow those advices?
Doctor: To you sir, it will certainly seem so.