slipping


you sit in the dark
close your eyes
rest your head in your hands
images burned into your mind from childhood reflect on the inside of your eyelids
your temples throb with each pulse to the sound of bombs exploding under water miles away

life goes on around you
you have no connection to it
you aren't a part of it
you don't belong to it
you are sitting on the outside looking through opaque dirty windows
the world makes no sense to you
words make no sense to you
if you hear people talking at all they may as well be speaking a foreign language
garbled sounds
disgusting gutteral moans
the piercing cackle of laughter shoots through your brain like a cold bullet
you force yourself to smile and nod
you pretend to understand because you know that they will ask what is wrong
they will insist you answer
and you know they could never understand
no one could understand but you
you barely understand it yourself
how could you possibly explain it?
you are convinced they don't care anyway
colors melt and blend together to form the dull browns and tans of an old photograph
you pull further and further away
you withdraw from everything until you are seeing the world through the wrong end of your dirty binoculars

you try to think about something
anything
thoughts flash in your mind
they race and spin
just as you attempt to grasp them
they disappear
with each new thought your mind swells a bit more
your brain is pressing against the walls of your skull

your pulse quickens
your blood gets cold
your skin gets hot
you can't get enough oxygen
your breaths are short, shallow and fast
you are suffocating
your vision is blurry
your head wants to explode
you wish it would
the light burns through your eyes and directly into your brain
you turn off the light and lay down
your mind is spinning
your body doesn't have the will to move
you want to cry
but that would take focus and energy

you need compassion
you need tenderness
you need to be loved
you crave touch
you need someone to listen
you can't talk to anyone
the phone rings
the sound is muffled and surreal
it echoes through your mind
if you had the will you would stand up and throw it across the room

you are exhausted
but not tired enough to sleep
you have so much energy that your legs can't stop shaking
but you are too weak to stand
you don't want to live anymore
but you aren't sad enough to kill yourself
you are angry enough to kill someone else
but there is no one you feel hatred for
you pound your fist on the mattress
but it is not satisfying at all
you want to scream
but you can barely muster enough will to speak

you try to focus on anything to take your mind off of it
but there is nothing to take your mind off of
you would be happy to have anger, hatred, sadness anything at all in your mind
it is completely blank
all you feel is lost
alone
lonely
desperate
dull
numb
how can you kill yourself?
you are already lifeless
a lump
a dead body with a heartbeat
barely a heartbeat

you feel like a damp towel discarded on the cold tile floor
you are left alone
everyone has left you
you have left yourself
you are gone
and you simply don't care