Most of the following tidbits I found around the net.
Some were sent to me by fellow net-junkies. Where I know the
author, I have given credit. If you copy any of these, please do the same.
Thanks,
Kim

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PRESS START
Abbott and Costello Meet Windows 95
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'M being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

If they made Toasters...
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier at 3 times the price.

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You might be a high-tech redneck if.....
If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your wife said "either he or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all".

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Bill Gates, the Foreman and the Furniture....
Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week. Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: " Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house... which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

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If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all destorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang.

'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to save your data cause your system is on the brink.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to have a drink.

by James Melms, STG Tampa

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Bill's Day of Reckoning
"Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..."
"Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?"
"It's tiiiiime..."
"Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor kitchen again, and..."
"Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to mention the Oracle launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs' head on a platter."
"Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..."
"Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me."
"Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..."
"Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the world! You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN server! And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to collect. If you can't get my network to run right, you'll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run on doorbells..."
"What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2? You're a funny guy for someone who breathes fire."
"Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java..."
"Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share."
"Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape Navigator."
"That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos isn't going to displace Windows as an applications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs."
"Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!"
"Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?"
"Interesting. Tell me more."
"Wait a minute. What's in it for me?"
"I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this second."
"Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable."
"Disable what?"
"Disable Java support in Internet Explorer."
"You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?"
"That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge Communicator with Lotus Notes."
"The Department of Justice will..."
"Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don't have to sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to support Java?"
"It's an industry standard..."
"It's an industry hallucination."
"There will be a public outcry..."
"From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to their nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is still a cute word for coffee."
"What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?"
"Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years. It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If they come to a site that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can say 'Playstation.'"
"What about other platforms..."
"Like Intel has competition?"
"Interactive TV..."
"We call it WebTV in Redmond."
"Venture capitalists have invested billions..."
"To get a date with Kim Polese."
"Sun will write a plug-in..."
"Not without the hidden APIs."
"Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay."
"Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..."

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Since some of us are using MICROSOFT products here, I thought I'd just let you know these facts...(this was sent to me as humor, after inserting it here..????)
Do you know that Bill gates' REAL name is William Henry Gates III?
His official REAL name NOW, is BILL GATES III.
So, what's so eerie about this name? OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it in ASCII code (american standard code for information interchange) and then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the beast!!! SICK!!
Coincidence har? Nope. Take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will get 666 too!!! and the same goes for MS-DOS 6.31!!! Sicko
rite? Okay, that's the first part, now for the second part, for those of you fellas who still have the OLD excel 95 (not office 97) then try this out:
1. open a new file
2. scroll down until you see row 95
3. click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row
4. press tab, to move to the second column
5. now, move your mouse and click on help THEN about microsoft excel
6. press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button simultaneously
7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS this is really eerie okay...it has a doom style format and you can walk all around the hall...and on the sides of the walls are the names of the tortured souls...
8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN, FACE THE BLANK WALK AND THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA this will open the blank wall to reveal another secret passage, walk through the passage and DO NOT fall off, when you get to the end, you will see something really really eerie...
At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world have verified this point...
it's really an eye opener. It could be a joke by MS programmers or is it?
Wouldn't be surprise if Bill Gates was "The Antichrist", after all it was already foretold in the Bible that someone powerful would rise up and lead the world to destruction.

And Bill Gates definitely has that kind of power in his hands. More than 80% of the world's computers run on Windows and DOS(including those at Pentagon!)
If all his products have some kind of small program embedded(like this Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control, setting off nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems, financial systems all over he world, etc......all from his headquarters isn't a far off reality!
Just using Internet Explorer may just allow him to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you log on. Perhaps the endtimes are near and this is just a tip of the iceberg!?

"He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666."..............Revelation 13:16-18

Something for you to think about.
An eerie E-mail for everybody to think about... The Bible, in the Book of Revelation says that without the sign of the beast one would not be able to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc..... and ....... My question to you know is this..... Is Internet now a necessity in doing business? The Internet also bears the sign.... Note that the Internet is also commonly known as the World Wide Web orWWW..... One other way we write W is V/ (VI), so .....
W W W
VI VI VI
6 6 6
This gives me something to ponder upon ...
Isn't everything going towards the Internet? (i.e., buying / selling goods, business transactions) Isn't Microsoft always on the move to have a monopoly when it comes to software technology? And now the Internet? Revelation also says that the mark of the beast will be carried on one's Hand and one's forehead.....
If the Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast aren't we all starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads??? Screens (forehead) and make use of the mouse (hand) ??? Are things finally falling into place or are we just letting our imagination run??? Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal, and to destroy......... so be VIGILANT !!!!

About Bill Gates and Microsoft.

PROOF that Bill Gates is the Devil:
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III), where III means the order of third (3rd)

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
I 1
I 1
I 1
-------------- 666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL.......

Some might think ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?"
Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement????
Before you decide, consider the following:

MS-DOS 6.21
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

WINDOWS95
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666

Coincidence? You decide....

"To agree or to not agree with the WWW or the Beast", is not the question. What if the WWW is the 666? Or Bill Gates be the Beast? What will you do?? Cancel subscriptions to the Internet? Resign from Microsoft? Set out a campaign against Bill Gates in the Internet? Shut down all Windows95 forever? It will not do you any good.....think about all this and pray, pray really hard, or else.......

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