Kim's Political Humor Page

<FONT color="#004080"><FONT size="+4">Kim's Political Humor</FONT></FONT>

Humor The Car
A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in.
She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops
down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass,
dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the
radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles
with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally
gives up. Can't find the damned thing.
Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.
He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard
computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical," he says.
*click*
The car fills with the sounds of Mozart.
"Blues," she says, and
*click*
a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on.
"Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.
"New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.
She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to
the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.
*click*
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States

Pearly Gates

Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes up and says, "I know you were somebody down on Earth, but you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait your turn. Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks. She also notices that every now and then, different clocks jump 15 minutes ahead of time. When St. Peter returns, Hillary says, "What's with all the clocks?"
St. Peter replies, "Well, each clock represents a man back on Earth."
Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead 15 minutes?"
"Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed adultery," answers St. Peter.
"Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary. "God has that one in his office," answers St. Peter. "He uses it as a fan."

Presidential Fireball?

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to
a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic
seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the
lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me,
Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the
impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the
Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set
himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the
$33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a
collection for him".

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

Crisis at the White House

Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.

The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.

When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.

Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-emptying M*A*S*H!

And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.

With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told--
To me, and to you.

On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.

The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba had gotten a hummer.

And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.

And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And "White House insiders."
You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!

More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And you, too!"

"Now Jordan! Now Graham!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"

"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."

And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.

We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And-horror of horrors-
He likes to get blown!

A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.

The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!

Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends."

Now Monica, Linda --
And Ken Starr, you all suck-
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.

Hillary's Fortune

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Plan to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

If they make a movie about Bill and Monica, what would they call it?

Citizen Stain
Prince of Ties
The Bad News Bares
Dumb and Dumber Two
* Lady and the Tramp
The Hoarse Whisperer
Apackolies Now
Dial M for Monica
Willy Wonka and the Cigar Factory
Saving Clinton's Privates
Easy Liar
* All the President's Women
The Lying King
Free Willy
President Dolittle
Terms of Impeachment
All's Well That Ends
The Wizard of Odds
Hip, Hip, Beret
* Driving Miss Monica
* A Bra Too Far
Tie Panic
Independent Counsel Day
The Six Commandments
Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue
* Neither an Officer Nor A Gentleman
** An Orifice not a Gentleman
The Full Monica
President on a Hot Tin Roof
Red Faced in October
Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency
The Me Lie Massacre
Bedtime for Bubba

* by Nathaniel Hall
** updated by Nathaniel Hall

Why did Clinton name his dog Buddy?
Because he couldn't go around the White House yelling "come spot"

Why does it all look so familiar? Perhaps you've forgotten the source for Clinton's speech.

"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"

"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree. Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information."

"Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

"I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that.

"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

"I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock.

"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches.

So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth.

"I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship."

GOVERNMENT EXCESS
Bill & Hillary had Al & Tipper Gore and some of their friends
over for dinner at the White House. In the middle of dinner, Al
excused himself to use the bathroom. After a couple of minutes, he came back.

They finished dinner and left. On the way home, Al turned to
Tipper and said, "Did you know Bill has got a solid-gold
urinal in his bathroom? "How can we tell the American people, we
are serious about cutting the budget when the President has a solid-gold urinal?"

Tipper said, "There must be some mistake, I'll call Hillary when
we get home and find out."

They get home and she calls Hillary and says, "Is it true that
Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom?"

Hillary put her hand over the receiver and says, "Bill!!! I found
out who peed in your Saxophone!"

Poor Chelsea
One morning, Chelsea, burst into the living quarters of the White House and said " Dad! Mom!
I have some great news! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in
Georgetown, and his name is Matt. After breakfast the President took Chelsea aside,
"Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's
a wonderful wife, but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other
women alot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year
later she came home and proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him." Again her father
took her aside and broke the sad news,"Robert is your half-brother, too." Chelsea was
furious! She finally decided to talk to her mother. "Dad has done so much harm. Every
time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother. I guess I'll never get married,"
she complained. Hillary just shook her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says,
dear, he's not really your father."

The Patch
Clinton was walking around the white house with a
pair of ladies panties on his arm. Everyone was
looking at him and wondering what he was doing.

After about an hour one guy got brave enough to ask
him what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties
on his arm.

Clinton replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."

Bill is Distraught....
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was
walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance.

He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says,
"George, you were always wise, what should I do?"

Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says,
"ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed
that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again.

He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same
request. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what
can I do to rally people behind me?"

Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT
WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER."

After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to
all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln
Memorial. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence
in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?"

After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF
GO TO THE THEATER."

The Clintstones
The Clintstones...meet the Clintstones...
They're the modern liberal family.

From the...town of Little Rock...
They're a page right out of '60's history.

Let's riot, with the ninnies down the street...
So we'll, have more laws by trickery and deceit.

When you're...with the Clintstones...
You'll have a Bubba downs Big Mac time...
A Rodham does Reno time...
You'll have a gay old time.

President Cliton flies into Andrews AFB. The color guard is present, as well as the commanding General. The General is standing at attention while President Clinton is descending the stairs. He notices that President Clinton has a pig tucked under his arm. The General not knowing quite what to say, simply blurts out, "nice pig, Sir". President Clinton responded by saying, " you bet it is. Its a corn fed, pure bred Razorback from Arkansas. I got it for Hillary". Again the General was a bit tongue-tied, but without flinching responded, "Nice Trade, Sir".

Now for the headlines:

"GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT"
The Tallahassee Bugle

"MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS"
The Anchorage Alaska Times

"GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY"
The New Haven Connecticut Register

"THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON"
The Arkansas Plainsman

"CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS"
Bangor Maine News

"STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION"
The Washington Times

"CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL"
The Bosnia Bugle

"LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW"
Newsday

"ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX"
San Antonio Rose

"PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE"
Chicago Daily News

"TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS"
The Miami Herald

"MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING"
The New Haven Connecticut Register

"GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS"
The Tallahassee Democrat

"WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!"
The Houston Chronicle

STARR I ARE - A newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss > I'm here to ask
> As you'll soon see--
> Did you grope
> Miss Lewinsky?
> Did you grope her
> In your house?
> Did you grope
> Beneath her blouse?
> I did not do that
> Here or there--
> I did not do that
> Anywhere!
> I did not do that
> Near or far--
> I did not do that
> Starr-You-Are.
> Did you smile?
> Did you flirt?
> Did you peek
> Beneath her skirt?
> And did you tell
> The girl to lie
> When called upon
> To testify?
> I do not like you
> Starr-You-Are--
> I think that you
> Have gone too far.
> I will not answer
> Any more--
> Perhaps I will go
> Start a war!
> The public's easy
> To distract--
> When bombs are
> Falling on Iraq!

Law Enforcement Agency test.
The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throught the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "okay, okay, I am a rabbit, I am a rabbit."

Questions about Bill

Whats the difference between the Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
There are firm statistics on how many women went down on the Titanic.

The new game at the White House, during the lunch break?
Swallow the leader...

The new-old defense? I did not inhale... I did not impale.

It isn't Bill's fault. He's a bit hard of hearing and he always thought they were calling his place of work the ORAL OFFICE.

The next influx of interns won't have to worry about their persons....That's what Buddy's are for...

Ms. Lewinsky can't say anything about what happened-she's under a gag order...

However, she did change her story mainly because Clinton finally left a bad taste in her mouth.

Why won't the DNA tests prove anything conclusively about Bill Clinton's sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky?
Because in Arkansas, everyone has the same DNA...

Apparently all Ms. Lewinsky's resume says for when she was working at the White House is: "Sat on the President's staff."

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN OAKLAND,CALIFORNIA:
Afro-American Speak--Ebonics("Ebony" + "Phonics")
Irish-American Speak--Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak--Kimosabics
Italo-American Speak--Spumonics(or Rigatinics)
Chinese-American Speak--Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak--Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak--Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak--Zionics
Russian-American Speak--Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak--Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak--Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak--Harpoonics
German-American Speak--Autobaunics(or Teutonics)
Danish-American Speak--Legomantics(or Pastryonics)
French-American Speak--Cornichonics(or Escargonics)
Oakland-School-Board Speak--Moronics

HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN INTERNET JUNKIE
1. You wake up a 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "David at I-I-Net dot net dot com"
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your pet has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Things that make you go HMMMMMM
1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?
4. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
5. How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
7. What's another word for thesaurus?
8. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?
9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
10. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
11. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
14. Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?
15. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
16. What do they use to ship styrofoam?
17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one

Why Worry?
There are only 2 things to worry about.
Either you are sick or you are well...
If you are well you have nothing to worry about
If you are sick there are only 2 things to worry about...
You will get better or you will die.
If you get better, there is nothing to worry about.
If you die, there are only 2 things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or go to hell.
If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about,
But if you go to hell you'll be so busy shaking hands
with friends you won't have time to worry.

Two Cows Meet their Fates
Socialism: You have 2 cows--you keep 1 and give 1 to your neighbor.
Communism: You have 2 cows--the government takes them both and provides you with milk.
Fascism: You have 2 cows--the government takes them both and sells you the milk.
Nazism: You have 2 cows--the government takes them both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy: You have 2 cows--the government takes them both, shoots one,milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
Capitalism: You have 2 cows--you sell 1 and buy a bull.
IBMism: You have 2 cows -- you sell 1, and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows, and then act surprised when it drops dead.

Just how gullable are we?
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three said yes,
six were undecided,
and only one knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Prison vs. Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.

HMMM.....
1. Misogynist.........Women are no good
2. Feminist...........Men are no good
3. Environmentalist...People are no good
4. Cannibal...........People are good.

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