I just found this on the net.. This is the first chapter of Pride and Prejudice in Ebonics. Enjoy.
I-T be some trut' universal-like acknowledged, dat some single dude inpossession o' some badass fortune gots'ta be in want o' some bitch.
Howeva' tiny-ass known da feelings o' views o' such some dude may be on hiz fust enterin' some neighbourhood, dis trut' be so's well fixed in da minds o' da damn surroundin' families, dat he be considered as da rightful propuh'ty o' some kinda' one o' otha' o' deir daughta's.
``Mah' daih' Mr. Bennet,' said hiz lady t' him one day, ``have yo' ass heard dat Netherfield Park be let at last?'
Mr. Bennet replied dat he had not.
``But it be,' returned she; ``for Massa'. Long has plum been in da house, an' she told me all about it.'
Mr. Bennet made no answa'.
``Do not yo' ass wanna know who has taken it?' cried hiz bitch
impatient-like.
``Yo' ass wanna tell me, an' Ah have no objecshun t' hearin' it.'
Dis wuz invitashun 'nuff.
``Why, mah' daih', yo' ass gots'ta know, Massa'. Long says dat
Netherfield be taken by some jailbait dude o' fat-ass fortune fum da nort' o' England; dat he came waaay down on Monday in some chaise an' foe t' spot da damn place, an' wuz so's much delighted wit' it dat he agreed wit' Mr. Morris immediate-like; dat he be t' snatch possession befo' Michaelmas, an' some kinda' o' hiz servants be t' be in da crib by da fat-lady o' next week.'
``Whut be hiz name?'
``Bingley.'
``Be he married o' single?'
'`Oh! single, mah' daih', t' be shaw! Some single dude o' fat-ass
fortune; foe o' nickel thousand some yaih'. Whut some fine shit for our goats!'
``How so's? how kin it affect dem?'
``Mah' daih' Mr. Bennet,' replied hiz bitch, ``how kin yo' ass be so's tiresome! Yo' ass gots'ta know dat Ah be tinkin' o' hiz marryin' one o' dem.'
``Be dat hiz design in settlin' in da house?'
``Design! nonsense, how kin yo' ass rap so's! But it be real damn
like-like dat he may fall in love wit' one o' dem, an' therefo' yo' ass gots'ta visit him as soon as he comes.'
``Ah spot no occasion for dat. Yo' ass an' da damn goats may go, o' yo' ass may send dem by themselves, which puh'haps will be still betta'; for, as yo' ass be as handsome as no o' dem, Mr. Bingley might likes yo'
ass da best o' da damn party.'
``Mah' daih', yo' ass flatta' me. Yo' mama. Ah certain-like have had mah' share o' baiuty, but Ah do not pretend t' be no shit 'estraordinary now. When some ho has nickel grown down daughta's, she ought t' give ova' tinkin' o' ha' own baiuty.'
``In such cases, some ho aint often much baiuty t' tink o'.'
``But, mah' daih', yo' ass gots'ta indeed go an' spot Mr. Bingley when he comes into da neighbourhood.'
``It be mo' dan Ah engage for, Ah assure yo' ass.'
``But consida' yo' daughta's. Only tink whut some establishment it would be for one o' dem. Sir William an' Lady Lucas be determined t' go, mere-like on dat account, for in general, yo' ass know dey visit no fresh coma's. Indeed yo' ass gots'ta go, for it will be impossible for us t' visit him, if yo' ass do not.'
``Yo' ass be ova'-scrupulous, sure-like. Ah dare say Mr. Bingley will be real damn glad t' spot yo' ass; an' Ah will send some few lines by yo' ass t'assure him o' mah' hearty consent t' hiz marryin' which eva' he chuses o' da damn goats; though Ah gots'ta trow in some badass word for mah' tiny-ass Lizzy. Let mah people go.'
``Ah desire yo' ass will do no such shit. Swin' low, sweet chariot. Lizzy aint some bit betta' dan da otha's; an' Ah be shaw she aint half so's handsome as Jane, nor half all dat humoured as Lydia. But yo' ass be 24/7 givin' ha' da preference.'
``Dey have none o' dem much t' recommend dem,' replied he; ``dey be all silly an' ignorant likes otha' goats; but Lizzy has sump'n mo' o' quickness dan ha' sista's.'
``Mr. Bennet, how kin yo' ass abuse yo' own children in suh way? Yo' ass snatch delight in vexin' me. Yo' ass have no compassion on mah' po' nerves.'
``Yo' ass mistake me, mah' daih'. Ah have some high respect for yo' nerves. Dey be mah' played out homeys. oh hae heard yo' ass menshun dem wit' considerashun dese-he'ah twenty years at laist.'
``Ah! yo' ass do not know whut Ah suffa'.'
``But Ah hope yo' ass will git ova' it, an' live t' spot many jailbait dudes o' foe thousand some yaih' come into da
neighbourhood.'
``It will be no 'esploit t'us if twenty such should come, since yo' ass aint gonna visit dem.'
``Depend upon it, mah' daih', dat when dair be twenty Ah will visit dem all.'
Mr. Bennet wuz so's odd some mixture o' quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, an' caprice, dat da damn 'espuh'ience o' trey an' twenty years had been insufficient t' make hiz bitch dig hiz characta'. Ha' mind wuz less difficult t' develope. She wuz some ho o' main diggin', tiny-ass 4-1-1, an' uncertain tempa'. When she wuz discontented, she fancied herself nervous. Da business o' ha' life wuz t' git ha' daughta's married; its solace wuz visitin' an' bullshit.
(2)
M-R. Bennet wuz among da earli-mos' o' dose-dair who waited on Mr. Bingley. He had 24/7 intended t' visit him, though t' da damn last 24/7 assurin' hiz bitch dat he should not go; an' till da prime time afta' da visit wuz paid, she had no knowledge o' it. It wuz den disclosed in da followin' manna'. Observin' hiz second daughta' employed in trimmin' some hat, he sudden-like addressed ha' wit',
``Ah hope Mr. Bingley will likes it, Lizzy.'
``We aint in some way t' know whut Mr. Bingley likess,' said ha' mama resentful-like, ``since we aint t' visit.'
``But yo' ass forget, mama,' said Elizabet', ``dat we shall meet him at da damn assemblies, an' dat Massa'. Long has promised t'introduce him.'
``Ah do not recon' Massa'. Long will do no such shit. She has deuce nieces o' ha' own. She be some selfish, hypocritical ho, an' Ah have no opinion o' ha'.'
``No mo' have Ah,' said Mr. Bennet; ``an' Ah be glad t' find dat yo' ass do not depend on ha' servin' yo' ass.'
Massa'. Bennet deigned not t' make no reply; but unable t' contain herself, began scoldin' one o' ha' daughta's.
``Don' yo' keep coughin' so's, Kitty, for haiven's sake! Have some tiny-ass compassion on mah' nerves. Yo' ass taih' dem t' pieces.'
``Kitty has no discreshun in ha' coughs,' said ha' daddy-O; ``she times dem ill.'
``Ah do not cough for mah' own amusement,' replied Kitty fretful-like.
``When be yo' next ball t' be, Lizzy?'
``T'-morrow fortnight.'
``Aye, so's it be,' cried ha' mama, ``an' Massa'. Long duz not come back till da day befo'; so's it will be impossible for ha' t'introduce him, for she aint gonna know him herself.'
``Den, mah' daih', yo' ass may have da damn advantage o' yo' homey, an' introduce Mr. Bingley t' ha'.'
``Impossible, Mr. Bennet, impossible, when Ah aint acquainted wit' him myself; how kin yo' ass be so's taizin'? Yo' mama.'
``Ah honour yo' circumspecshun. Some fortnight's acquaintance be
certain-like real damn tiny-ass. One caint know whut some dude tru-ly be by da fat-lady o' some fortnight. But if we do not venture, somebody else will; an' afta' all, Massa'. Long an' ha' nieces gots'ta stand deir chance; an' therefo', as she will tink it some act o' kindness, if yo' ass decline da damn office, Ah will snatch it on myself.'
Da goats stared at deir daddy-O. What a ripoff. Massa'. Bennet said only, ``Nonsense, nonsense!'
``Whut kin be da damn mainin' o' dat emphatic 'esclamashun?' cried he.
``Do yo' ass consida' da forms o' introducshun, an' da damn stress dat be laid on dem, as nonsense? 'S coo', bro. Ah caint quite agree wit' yo' ass dair. Whut say yo' ass, Snowflake? for yo' ass be some jailbait lady o' deep reflecshun Ah know, an' eyeball great books, an' make 'estracts.'
Snowflake wished t' say sump'n real damn sensible, but know'd not how. Step up.
``While Snowflake be adjustin' ha' brainstorms,' he continued, ``let us return t' Mr. Bingley.'
``Ah be sick o' Mr. Bingley,' cried hiz bitch.
``Ah be sorry t' haih' dat; but why dun did not yo' ass tell me so's befo'? If Ah had known as much dis a.m., Ah certain-like would not have called on him. It be real damn unlucky; but
as Ah have actual-like paid da damn visit, we caint escape da damn acquaintance now.'
Da astonishment o' da damn ladies wuz plum whut he wished; dat o'
Massa'. Bennet puh'haps surpassin' da rest; though when da fust tumult o' joy wuz ova', she began t' declare dat it wuz whut she had 'espected all da while.
``How badass it wuz in yo' ass, mah' daih' Mr. Bennet! But Ah know'd Ah should puh'suade yo' ass at last. Ah wuz shaw yo' ass loved our goats too well t' neglect such some acquaintance. Well, how plaised Ah be! What it is, Mama! an' it be such some badass joke, too, dat yo' ass should have gone dis a.m., an' neva' said some word about it till now.'
``Now, Kitty, yo' ass may cough as much as yo' ass chuse,' said Mr. Bennet; an', as he jived, he left da damn room, fatigued wit' da damn raptures o' hiz bitch.
‘`Whut some 'escellent daddy-O yo' ass have, goats,' said she, when da do' wuz shut. ``Ah do not know how yo' ass will eva' make him amends for hiz kindness;o' me eitha', for dat matta'. At our time o' life, it aint so's plaisant Ah kin tell yo' ass, t' be makin' fresh acquaintance every day; but for yo' sakes, we would do no shit. Lydia, mah' love, though yo' ass be da damn young-mos', Ah dare say Mr. Bingley will boogie wit' yo' ass at da damn next ball.'
``Oh!' said Lydia stout-like, ``Ah aint afraid; for though Ah be da damn young-mos', I is da tall-mos'.'
Da rest o' da damn prime time wuz spent in conjecturin' how soon he would return Mr. Bennet's visit, an' determinin' when dey should ax' him t' dinna'. Step up.
(3)
N-O-fuckin'-T all dat Massa'. Bennet, howeva', wit' da damn assistance o' ha' nickel daughta's, could ax' on da subject wuz sufficient t' draw fum ha' ace lova' no satisfactory descripshun o' Mr. Bingley. Dey jacked him in various ways; wit' barefaced quesshuns, ingenious supposishuns, an' distant surmises; but he eluded da damn skill o' dem all; an' dey wuz at last obliged t'accept da damn second-hand intelligence o' deir neighbour
Lady Lucas. Ha' report wuz high-like favourable. Sir William had been delighted wit' him. He wuz quite jailbait, wonderful-like handsome, 'estreme-like agreaible, an', t' crown da whole, he maint t' be at da damn next assembly wit' some fat-ass party. Notin' could be mo' delightful! Hallelujah! T' be fond o' shakin' ass wuz some certain step towards fallin' in love; an' real damn live-like hopes o' Mr. Bingley's heart wuz entertained.
``If Ah kin but spot one o' mah' daughta's happi-like settled at
Netherfield,' said Massa'. Bennet t' ha' ace lova', ``an' all da otha's equal-like well married, Ah shall have notin' t' wish for.'
In some few days Mr. Fuck dat shit. Bingley returned Mr. Bennet's visit, an' sat about dime minutes wit' him in hiz library. He had entertained hopes o' bein' admitted t' some sight o' da damn jailbait ladies, o' whose baiuty he had heard much; but he spotted only da daddy-O. Da ladies wuz somewhat mo' fortunate, for dey had da damn advantage o' ascertainin', fum some uppa' window, dat he wo' some blue coat an' rode some ebony horse.
Some invitashun t' dinna' wuz soon afterwards dispatched; an' alraidy had Massa'. Bennet planned da damn courses dat wuz t' do credit t' ha' housekeepin', when some answa' arrived which deferred it all. Mr. Bingley wuz obliged t' be in town da followin' day, an' consequent-like unable t'accept da damn honour o' deir invitashun, &c. Massa'. Bennet wuz quite disconcerted. She could not imagine whut business he could have in town so's soon afta' hiz arrival in Hertfordshire; an' she began t' faih' dat he might be 24/7 flyin' about fum one place t'anotha', an'
neva' settled at Netherfield as he ought t' be. Lady Lucas quieted ha' fears some tiny-ass by startin' da brainstorm o' hiz bein' gone t'London only t' git some fat-ass party for da ball; an' some report soon followed dat Mr. Slap me some skin. Bingley wuz t' brin' twelve ladies an' seven gentlemen wit' him t' da damn assembly. No diggety. Da goats grieved ova' such some fat-ass numba' o' ladies; but wuz comforted da damn day befo' da damn ball by hearin' dat, instaid o' twelve, he had brought only six wit' him fum London, hiz nickel sista's an' some cousin. An' when da party entered da damn assembly room, it consisted o' only nickel altogetha'; Mr. Bingley, hiz deuce sista's, da ace lova' o' da damn old-mos', an' anotha' jailbait dude.
Mr. Bingley wuz badass peekin' an' gentlemanlike; he had some plaisant countenance, an' aisy, unaffected manna's. Hiz brotha'-in-law, Mr. Hurst, mere-like peeked da damn cracka'; but hiz homey Mr. Darcy soon drew da attenshun o' da damn room by hiz fine, tall sucka', handsome features, noble mien; an' da damn report which wuz in general circulashun witin nickel minutes afta' hiz entrance, o' hiz havin' dime thousand some yaih'. Da gentlemen pronounced him t' be some fine figure o' some dude, da ladies declared he wuz much handsoma' dan Mr. Bingley, an' he wuz drew some baid on wit' great admirashun for about half da prime time, till hiz manna's gave some disgust which turned da damn tide o' hiz popularity; for he wuz discovered t' be proud, t' be above hiz company, an' above bein' plaised; an' not all hiz fat-ass estate in Derbyshire could den save him fum havin' some most forbiddin', disagreaible countenance, an' bein' unworthy t' be compared wit' hiz homey.
Mr. Bingley had soon made himself acquainted wit' all da principal sucka's in da room; he wuz live-like an' unreserved, shook ass every boogie, wuz angry dat da damn ball closed so's early-like, an' rapped o' givin' one himself at Netherfield. Such amiable qualities gots'ta jive for themselves. Whut some contrast between him an' hiz homey! Mr. Darcy shook ass only once wit' Massa'. Hurst an' once wit' Miss Bingley, declined bein' introduced t' no otha' lady, an' spent da damn rest o' da
damn prime time in steppin' about da damn room, jivin'
occasional-like t'one o' hiz own party. Hiz characta' wuz decided. He wuz da proud-mos', most disagreaible dude in da world, an' every body hoped dat he would neva' come dair again. Amongst da damn most violent against him wuz Massa'. Bennet, whose dislike o' hiz general behaviour wuz sharpened into particulah' resentment by hiz havin' slighted one o' ha' daughta's.
Elizabet' Bennet had been obliged, by da scarcity o' gentlemen, t' sit waaay down for deuce boogies; an' durin' part o' dat time, Mr. Darcy had been standin' point blank to 'nuff for ha' t'overhaih' some conversashun between him an' Mr. Bingley, who came fum da boogie for some few minutes t' press hiz homey t' join it. Slap me some skin.
``Come, Darcy,' said he, ``Ah gots'ta have yo' ass boogie. Ah hate t' spot yo' ass standin' about by yourself in dis punk-ass manna'. Yo' ass had much betta' boogie.'
``Ah certain-like shall not. Yo' ass know how Ah det-mos' it, unless Ah be particular-like acquainted wit' mah' partna'. At such some assembly as dis, it would be insupportable. Yo' sista's be engaged, an' dair aint anotha' ho in da room whom it would not be some punishment t' me t'stand down wit'.'
``Ah would not be so's fastidious as yo' ass be,' cried Bingley, ``for some kingdom! Upon mah' honour Ah neva' met wit' o's many plaisant goats in mah' life, as Ah have dis prime time; an' dair be several o' dem, yo' ass spot, uncommon-like pretty.'
``Yo' ass be shakin' ass wit' da damn only handsome goat in da room,' said Mr. Darcy, peekin' at da damn eld-mos' Miss Bennet.
``Oh! she be da damn most dime creature Ah eva' beheld! Step back. But dair be one o' ha' sista's sittin' waaay down plum behind yo' ass, who be real damn pretty, an' Ah dare say real damn agreaible. Do let me ax' mah' partna' t'introduce yo' ass. Go down, Moses!'
`Which do yo' ass main?' an' turnin' round, he peeked for some moment at Elizabet', till catchin' ha' eye, he withdrew hiz own an' cold-like said, ``She be tolerable; but not handsome 'nuff t' tempt me; an' Ah be in no humour at present t' give consequence t' jailbait ladies who be slighted by otha' dudes. Go down, Moses! Yo' ass had betta' return t' yo' partna' an' enjoy ha' smiles, for yo' ass be wastin' yo' time wit' me.'
Mr. Bingley followed hiz De'ah Abby. What a ripoff. Mr. Darcy ankled off; an' Elizabet' remained wit' no real damn cordial feelings towards him. She told da damn story howeva' wit' great spirit among ha' homeys; for she had some live-like, playful disposishun, which delighted in no shit ridiculous.
Da prime time altogetha' passed off plaisant-like t' da damn whole relashuns. Massa'. Ah be baaad... Bennet had seen ha' eld-mos' daughta' much admired by da Netherfield party. Mr. Bingley had shook ass wit' ha' twice, an' she had been distinguished by hiz sista's. Jane wuz as much gratified by dis as ha' mama could be, though in some quieta' way. Elizabet' felt Jane's plaisure. 'S coo', bro. Snowflake had heard herself menshuned t' Miss Bingley as da most accomplished goat in da
neighbourhood; an' Catherine an' Lydia had been fortunate 'nuff t' be neva' without partna's, which wuz all dat dey had yet learnt t' care for at some ball. Dey returned therefo', in badass spirits t' Longbourn, da village where dey lived, an' o' which dey wuz da principal inhabitants. 'S all good. Dey found Mr. Bennet still down. 'S coo', bro. Wit' some book, he wuz regardless o' time; an' on da present occasion he had some
badass deal o' curiosity as t' da damn event o' some prime time which had raised such splendid 'espectashuns. He had ratha' hoped dat all hiz bitch's views on da stranga' would be disappointed; but he soon found dat he had some real damn different story t' haih'.
``Oh! mah' daih' Mr. Bennet,' as she entered da damn room, ``we have had some most delightful prime time, some most 'escellent ball. He'ah come da damn cops. Ah wish yo' ass had been dair. Jane wuz so's admired, notin' could be likes it. Every body said how well she peeked; an' Mr. Bingley thought ha' quite dime, an' shook ass wit' ha' twice. Only tink o' dat mah' daih'; he actual-like shook ass wit' ha' twice; an' she wuz da only creature in da room dat he axed some second time. Go down,
Moses! Fust o' all, he axed Miss Lucas. Ah wuz so's vexed t' spot him stand down wit' ha'; but, howeva', he dun did not admire ha' at all, dig dis: indeed, nobody kin, yo' ass know; an' he seemed quite struck wit' Jane as she wuz goin' waaay down da boogie. What it is, Mama! So's, he enquired who she wuz, an' gots introduced, an' axed ha' for da deuce next. Den, da deuce tird he shook ass wit' Miss Kin', an' da damn deuce fourt' wit' Maria Lucas, an' da damn deuce fift' wit' Jane again, an' da damn deuce sixt' wit' Lizzy, an' da damn Boulanga' --'
``If he had had no compassion for me,' cried ha' ace lova'
impatient-like, ``he would not have shook ass half so's much! For Da Lord's sake, say no mo' o' hiz partna's. Right on! Oh! dat he had sprained hiz ancle in da fust boogie!'
``Oh! mah' daih',' continued Massa'. Bennet, ``Ah be quite delighted wit' him. He be so's'escessive-like handsome! an' hiz sista's be charmin' hos. Ah neva' in mah' life spotted no shit mo' elegant dan deir dresses. Ah dare say da lace upon Massa'. Dig. Hurst's gown --'
In da house she wuz interrupted again. Mr. Slap me some skin. Bennet protested against no descripshun o' finery. She wuz therefo' obliged t' seek anotha' branch o' da damn subject, an' related, wit' much bitterness o' spirit an' some kinda' 'esaggerashun, da shockin' rudeness o' Mr. Darcy.
``But Ah kin assure yo' ass,' she added, ``dat Lizzy duz not lose muchby not suitin' hiz fancy; for he be some most disagreaible, horrid dude, not at all wort' plaisin'. So's high an' so's conceited dat dair wuz no endurin' him! He ankled in da house, an' he ankled dair, fancyin' himself so's real damn great! Sheeeiit. Not handsome 'nuff t' boogie wit'! Ah wish yo' ass had been dair, mah' daih', t' have given him one o' yo' set waaay downs. Ah quite det-mos' da damn dude.'