WORST ANALOGIES WRITTEN IN A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY

These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest:

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

• Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
• Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry,-ics, and so on.

For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible wasteof brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts.

If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the sameanswer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

THE BLONDE & THE COKE MACHINE

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a DietCoke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

THE VAN GOGH FAMILY TREE

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother	Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt	Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes	Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store	Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia	U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white	Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois	Chica Gogh
His magician uncle	Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin	Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother	Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach	Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle	Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt	Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle	Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst	E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin	Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking	Way to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew	Poe Gogh (The on of Edgar Allen, perhaps?)
A sister who loved disco	Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van	Winnie Bay Gogh

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had somehow acquired the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The Phone Company was not helpful, either. They refused to accept responsibility, blaming a computer error. Besides, a number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible.

After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.>At 9 A.M. the next morning the phone rang.

Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asking for a room the following Tuesday. eola said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later a call from Dallas came in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola told them that the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night.

The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary, "Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' conventionfor Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could eat in peace, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had herfinal revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt.

The next day her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied, "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number!"
[This was taken from an actual newspaper account!]

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked "Honey why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied,

"You know grandma it's like on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."