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The Antipope (1981)
"'Outside the sun shines. Buses
rumble towards Ealing Broadway and I'm expected to do
battle with the powers of darkness. It all seems a little
unfair...'
You could say it all started with the red-eyed tramp with
the slimy fingers who put the wind up Neville, the part-time
barman, something rotten [sic]. Or when Archroy's wife
swapped his trusty Morris Minor for five magic beans
while he was out at the ruber factory.
On the other hand, you could say it all started a lot
earlier. Like 450 years ago, when Borgias walked the
earth.
Pooley and Omally, stars of the Brentford Labour Exchange
and the Flying Swan, want nothing to do with it,
especially if thre's a Yankee and a pint of Large in the
offing. Pope Alexander VI, last of the Borgia, has other
ideas..."
[pb: Corgi 1991, ISBN 0-552-13841-X;] |
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The Brentford Triangle (1982)
"'Omally groaned. "It is the
end of mankind as we know it. I should never have got up
so early today" and all over Brentford electrical
appliances were beginning to fail...'
Could it be that Pooley and Omally, whilst engaged on a
round of allotment golf, mistook laser-operated
gravitational landing beams for the malignant work of
Brentford Council?
Does the Captain Laser Alien Attack machine in the bar of
the Swan possess more sinister force than its magnetic
appeal for youths with green hair?
Is Brentford the first base in an alien onslaught on
planet Earth?"
[pb: Corgi 1992, ISBN 0-552-13842-8;] |
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East of Ealing (1984)
"'Ahead, where once had been only
bombsite land, the Lateinos & Romiith building rose
above Brentford. Within its cruel and jagged shadow,
magnolias wilted in their window boxes and synthetic Gold
Top became doorstep chees...'
Something sinister is happening east of Ealing. The
prophecies of The Book of Revelation are being fulfilled.
Lateinos & Romiith, a vast financial network, is
changing all the rules with a plan to bar-code every
living punter and dispense with old-fashioned money. A
diabological scheme, which would not only end
civilisation as we know it, but seriously interfere with
drinking habits at the Flying Swan.
Can Armageddon, Apocalypse and other inconveniences of
the modern age be stopped by the humble likes of Pooley
and Omally, even with the help of Professor Slocombe and
the time-warped Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street...?"
[pb: Corgi 1992, ISBN 0-552-13843-6;] |
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The Sprouts of Wrath (1988)
"Amazing, but true: Brentford
Town Council, in an act supreme public-spiritedness (and
a great big wodge of folding stuff from a myterious
benefactor) has agreed to host the next Olympic Games.
The plans have been drawn up, contracts, money and
promises are changing hands. Norman's designed some
stunning kit for the home team, and even the Flying Swan's
been threatened with a major refit (gasp!). But something
is very wrong... primeval forces are stirring in ancient
places... dark magic is afoot in Brentford and someone
maust save the world from overpowering evil...
...Jim Pooley and John Omally, come on down!
This must be the daring duo's toughest assignment yet. No
longer can they weigh up the situation over a pint of
large at random moments during the day. No, this time, to
save the world as we know it, the lads must contemplate - nay, undertake - the most horrible, the
most terrifying, the heretofore untried - REGULAR
EMPLOYMENT!!!"
[pb: Corgi 1993, ISBN 0-552-13844-4;] |
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The Brentford Chainstore Massacre (1997)
"'Jim took himself to his
favourite bench before the Memorial Library. It was here,
on this almost sacred spot, that Jim did most of his
really heavyweight thinking. Here where he dreamed his
dreams and made his plans...'
There is nothing more powerful than a bd idea whose time
has come. And there can be few ideas less bad or more
potentially apocalyptic than that hatched by genetic
scientist Steven Malone. Using DNA strands extracted from
the dried blood on the Turin Shroud, Dr Malone is cloning
Jesus. And not just a single Jesus, he's going for a full
half-dozen so that each of the world's major religions
can have one. It's a really bad idea.
In Brentford they've had a really good idea. They're
holding the Millenial celebrations two years early to
avoid the rush and it promises to be the party of this,
or any other, century. Unless, of course, somethin REALLY
BAD were to happen..."
[pb: Corgi 1998, ISBN 0-552-14357-X; Cover Art: Ian
Murray] |
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Armageddon: The Musical (1990)
"FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF 2050,
YOU'RE HISTORY
Theological warfare. Elvis on an epic time-travel journey
- the Presliad. Buddhavision - a network bigger than God
(and more powerful, too). Nasty nuclear leftovers.
Naughty sex habits. Dalai Dan (the 153rd reincarnation of
the Lama of that ilk) and Barry, the talkative Time
Sprout. Even with all this excitemment, you wouldn't
think a backwater planet like Earth makes much of a
splash in the galactic pond.
But the soap opera called The Earthers is making
big video bucks in the intergalactic ratings race. And
alien TV execs know exactly what the old earth drama
needs to make the off-world audience sit up and stare: a
spectacular Armageddon-type finale. With a cast of
millions - inlcuding you! DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL - IT'S
GONNA BE A HELLUVA SHOW!"
[pb: Corgi 1991, ISBN 0-552-13681-6; Cover Art: Ian
Murray] |
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They Came and Ate Us - Armageddon II: The B-Movie (1991)
"QUIVER AT! horrible demonic
stuff oozing out of computer screens!
SHOCK HORROR! Elvis Presley pulling his face off!
GASP AT! a talking brussels sprout!
SEE! Cannibals oon the rampage!
HEAR! Fido the Dog do Frankie Howerd impressions!
SEE! Rex Mundi, Rambo Bloodaxe, Deathblade Eric, Hugo
Rune and a cast of millions caught up in Events Beyond
Their Control!
THRILL TO! all the loose ends from ARMAGEDDON THE
MUSICAL magically tied up!
WATCH! A comic genius doing the business!
SEE?"
[pb: Corgi 1992, ISBN 0-552-13832-6; Cover Art: Ian
Murray] |
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The Suburban Book of the Dead - Armageddon III: The
Remake (1992)
"AT LAST!
The final and much-longed-for part of the stupendous
ARMAGEDDON trilogy.
And so it came to pass that on 27 July 2061 in the land
of Eden, the money-free Utopia, Rex Mundi did toil
mightily in his back garden. And he did excavate a
cesspit like untothe one which his wife Christeen - the
daughter of God and twin sister of Christ - had been
giving him GBH of the earholes regarding the need for
therewith.
And verily in the midst of his labours did Rex's spade
strike a buried object of not inconsiderable size.
And lo. It were a marble statue of Elvis Presley.
Oh yes siree!
For Elvis looms large here, much to Rex's discomfort.
which is further increased when he discovers that the
walls of Jericho fell to the strains of 'It's Now or
Never' and that David slew the dwarf Goliath wearing blue
suede shoes.. When Rex is confronted with the Singular
Case of the Purloined Preslina, and the Luminous Order of
th Sacred Sprout, he realises things are getting out of
control..."
[pb: Corgi 1993, ISBN 0-552-13923-8; Cover Art: Ian
Murray] |
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The Book of Ultimate Truths (1993)
"He had walked the earth as
Nostradamus, Uther Pendragon, Count Cagliostro and
Rodrigo Borgia. He could open a tin of sardines with his
teeth, strika a Swan Vesta on his chin, rope steers,
drive a steam locomotive and hum all the works of Gilbert
& Sullivan without becoming confused or breaking down
in tears. He died, penniless, at a Hastings boarding
house, in his ninetieth year.
His name was Hugo Artemis Solon Saturnicus Reginald
Arthur Rune, and he was never bored. Hailed as the 'guru's
guru', Rune penned more than eight million words of
genius including his greatest work, The Book of
Ultimate Truths. But vital chapters of The Book were
suppressed, chapters which could have changed the whole
course of human history. Now, seventeen-year-old
Cornelius Murphy, together with his best friend Tuppe,
sets out on an epic quest. Their mission - recover the
missing chapters. Republish The Book of Ultimate
Truths. And save the world."
[pb: Corgi, 1994; ISBN 0-552-13922-X; Cover Art: Robert
Rankin, John Alexander]
[pb: "Das Buch der allerletzten Wahrheiten",
Bastei Lübbe, Germany, 1995; ISBN 3-404-24201-7; Cover
Art: Ian Murray]
"Er wandelte als Nostradamus über
die Erde, als Cagliostro und Rodrigo Borgia. Er konnte
eine Sardinenbüchse mit den Zähnen öffnen und alle
Werke von Gilbert & Sullivan summen. Sein Name ist
Hugo Rune, und er hat das BUCH DER ALLERLETZTEN
WAHRHEITEN verfaßt. Brisanter Stoff, der die Welt verändern
könnte - würde er veröffentlicht. Und genau das ist
das Ziel von Cornelius Murphy und seinem zwergenhaften
Freund Tuppe. Ihre hehre Absicht dabei: die Rettung der
Menschheit! - Was auch sonst?
Wirklich nicht nur für Science-Fiction-Leser, sondern für
alle, die die Zusammenhänge kennenlernen wollen zwischen
dem Mysterium der Zeit, dem Papst und einer Tasse Texx (wahlweise
Kaffee), zwischen Shakespeare und Stepehn King, zwischen
Kugelschreibern mit Werbeaufdruck und der hohen
Selbstmordrate, und für alle diejenigen, die wissen
wollen, warum im Herbst soviele tote Igel auf den Straßen
liegen." |
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Raiders of the Lost Car Park (1994)
"Cornelius Murphy and his tiny
companion Tuppe, the stuff of epics and so forth, have a
plan: enter the Forbidden Zones, rescue Hugo Rune (mage,
inventor, close personal friend of Einstein, author of The
Book of Ultimate Truths and father to
Cornelius) and find some of the boundless wealth reputed
to be stored there.
The freed Hugo Rune now reveals his own agenda. He must
overthrow the hideous powers within the Forbidden Zones.
These are fairies no less, and their evil king is someone
even more legendary than Elvis Presley himself!
In a scheme that involves kidnapping the Queen while she
addresses the world before a concert performance by
Gandhi's Hairdryer (the world's greatest rock band), Rune
and his gang of followers (including Polly Gotting,
former assistant to master detective Inspectre
Sherringford Hovis) ricochet from one potential disaster
to another."
[pb: Corgi, 1994; ISBN 0-552-13833-9; Cover
Art: Ian Murray]
[pb: "Jäger des verlorenen Parkplatzes",
Bastei Lübbe, Germany, 1995; ISBN 3-404-24204-1; Cover
Art: Ian Murray]
"Cornelius Murphy und sein Freund
Tuppe haben einen ganz einfachen, schlichtweg genialen
Plan: Eindringen in die Verbotene Zoen, Hugo Rune retten
und etwas von den unermeßlichen Schätzen abstauben, die
dort herumliegen! Verbotene Zonen gibt es überall:
Zwischenreiche, in denen die Kugelschreiber verschwinden,
die man gerade eben nochgehabt hat, in denen die Parkplätze
zu finden sind, die gerade eben noch frei waren - und in
denen diese und andere Schätze gehortet werden von bösen
Mächten, Zauberern und Feen. Am schlimmsten ist ihr König,
der noch legendärer ist als Elvis Presley. Um ihn zur
Strecke zu bringen, ersinnt Hugo Rune einen gefährlichen
Plan: Er will die Königin von England während eines
Konzerts der weltberühmten Rock-Gruppe GANDHISFÖN
entführen. Dabei kommen ihm ausgerechnet Cornelius und
Tuppe - und natürlich Prinz Charles - in die Quere..." |
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The Greatest Show Off Earth (1994)
"Raymond's had a rough couple of
days.
Snatched from his allotment by a flying starfish from
Uranus and sold as a delicacy in a Venusian food market,
it seems like his luck has changed when he is rescued by
the travelling circus.
But then this isn't an ordinary circus; this is the
circus of Professor Merlin, which drifts between the
planets in a Victorian steamship. A circus whose artistes
perform the feats that simply can't be done. And the
professor has a little job for Raymond. Release the two
hundred people held captive on Saturn and save Planet
Earth from extinction by Friday.
Raymond's best friend Simon has been having a rough time
too. Hunted by the men in grey, Simon is falsely accused
of being a serial killer and is thrown into the clutches
of the sinister B.E.A.S.T. (an End Times cult that
worships the demonic half-man half-chicken, Sate-Hen).
Even with the book from the future and those villagers
with the flaming torches to help them out, getting things
sorted out by Friday could be cutting it fine..."
[pb: Corgi, 1995; ISBN 0-552-13924-6; Cover
Art: Ian Murray]
[pb: "Die grösste Show jenseits der Welt",
Bastei Lübbe, Germany, 1996; ISBN 3-404-24210-6; Cover
Art: Ian Murray]
"Raymond
hat Pech gehabt. Zuerst wurde er von einem fliegenden
Sternenfisch[sic] vom Uranus gekidnappt und dann auch
noch als Delikatesse auf dem Venusianischen Exoten-Markt
verkauft. Doch nun scheint sich sein Glück zu wenden: Er
wird von einem viktorianischen Weltraumzirkus gerettet.
Allerdings ist es kein normaler Zirkus, den Professor
Merlin da führt und der auf einem viktorianischen
Dampfschiff zwischen den Sternen laviert. Seine Artisten
vollbringen Kunststücke, die eigentlich nicht vollbracht
werden können. Und auch für Raymond hat der professor
einen Job: Er soll die Erde retten (was auch sonst), der
man die Luft abzudrehen droht, um sie in ihrem eigenen Müll
ersticken zu lassen..." |
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The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived (1995)
"If your taste is for a tender
romance, taut with passion and desire, love and betrayal,
then this raging stonker of a novel, bursting out of its
leather pants with sex, scandal, murder, mystery,
suspense, drama, action, adventure and Mad Car Disease,
probably won't be for you. Sorry.
Norman's most definitely dead. His dad fell out of the
sky and flattened him. And as Norman didn't want any
regular full-time employment before he died, he certainly
doesn't want any now. Especially not here at the
Universal Reincarnation Company. There are far too many
filing cabinets and far too much paperwork. Not that it's
the company's fault. The blame really lies with God. If
He hadn't desided to close down Hell, then Heaven wouldn't
have got too overcrowded and there would have been no
need to built the extension. And until the extension is
finished, the URC will just have to keep on recycling all
those souls in the big queue.
But there's something very wrong at the URC. Someone, it
seems, has learned how to beat the system. Someone is pre-incarnating.
Being reborn again and again on their original birthdate.
And just imagine if you could do that. You'd be The
Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived. Or you'd
be the very Devil himself."
[pb: Corgi, 1995; ISBN 0-552-14211-5; Cover Art: Ian
Murray]
[pb: "Der wundersamste Mann, der jemals lebte",
Bastei Lübbe, Germany, 1996; ISBN 3-404-24216-5; Cover
Art: Ian Murray]
"Norman ist tot, zermanscht von
seinem eigenen Vater. Und obwohl sich Norman zu seinem
Todeszeitpunkt dämonischen Praktiken hingegeben hat,
kommt er in den Himmel, genauer: in die URG, die
Universale Reinkarnationsgesellschaft. Seit Gott
beschlossen hat, die Hölle zu schließen, ist der Himmel
nämlich ziemlich überfüllt. Bis die geplante
Himmelserweiterung fertiggestellt ist, muß die URG gleißig
alle schlangestehenden Seelen recyclen. Doch etwas läuft
schief im Himmel: Jemand unterwandert das System und läßt
sich stets, mit dem gesamten Wissen seiner Vorleben, in
den eigenen Körper pre-inkarnieren. Es ist
niemand anders als Hugo Rune, der wundersamste Mann, der
jemals lebte, und er hat ganz eigene Pläne mit all den
hilflosen Seelen - der Toten und der Lebenden. Nur Norman,
Cornelius Murphy und sein zwergenhafter Freund Tuppe können
ihn vielleicht noch aufhalten...
Ein neuer Reißer von ROBERT RANKIN, Bestsellerautor aus
Großbritannien, dem Land des Rinderwahnsinns. Doch wie
immer ist der Autor - die renommierte Times
reiht ihn zwischen DOUGLAS ADAMS und TERRY PRATCHETT ein
- auch diesmal seiner Zeit voraus. In diesem Buch
erfahren Sie alles über eine neue gefährliche Seuche:
den AWS, den AUTOWAHNSINN. Sind Sie wagemutig? Dann lesen
Sie diesen Roman. Sie werden schon sehen, was sie davon
haben!" |
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The Garden of Unearthly Delights (1995)
"YOU ARE NOW LEAVING THE AGE OF
AQUARIUS. PLEASE LOWER YOUR SEAT WHEN RISING FROM YOUR
HEAD.
It was something to do with the cycles of history. The
way great civilizations rise and fall. Golden ages and
dark ages. Things of that nature.
Few people noticed it at first. The changes. They were
subtle to begin with. Like when the Leader of the
Opposition challenged the PM to step outside and settle
things man to man. And the PM agreed. Or the way the
baked ham rose up against Dave whilst he was standing in
the check-out queue at Budgens. SMall things. But they
kept getting bigger.
And by the time everyone realized that something very
strange was going on, it was all too late.
The Earth had left behind the age of science and reason
and moved once more into a time of myth. A time of legend
and heroes. Of romance and wizardry and wonder.
It was a time to take the mother of all giant leaps and
enter - THE GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS"
[pb: Corgi 1996, ISBN 0-552-14212-8; Cover
Art: Ian Murray] |
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A dog Called Demolition (1996)
"Danny's not sad and lonely any
more because Danny's got 'the voices'. Well, one voice.
It's the voice of his dog. Not that it's a real
dog, so Danny made up one for himself. And a fine big dog
it is too, with a waggy tail and a nice cold nose. Danny
was going to call it princey, but the dog told him its
name was Demolition. So that's what Danny calls it.
And the dog's told him other things too. Like how to
adjust the bar-code reader in the shop where Danny works
so that he can read the lines on people's palms and Danny
can see what they're thinking. And which small ads in the
comic books to send off to, so Danny can become
irresisteble to women, bend others to his will, gain
vital inches and fear no man living.
No, Danny's not sad and lonely any more
Danny's barking mad."
[pb: Corgi 1996, ISBN 0-552-14213-1; Cover
Art: Ian Murray] |
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Nostradamus Ate My Hamster (1996)
"BE CONFUSED, BE VERY CONFUSED
They're making a movie in Brentford. It's unlike any
movie that's ever been made beofre. All the Hollywood
Greats are in it. All the dead ones anyway. They've
got this Cyberstar equipment, you see. A
computer system that can generate life-sized moving
holograms of famous film stars. The big question is,
where did they get it from? Or should the question be
WHEN?
Russell's producing the movie. Not that he really knows
how to, but he's prepared to give it a go. He's a very
nice chap, is Russell, perhaps a bit too nice. He works
too hard and he cares too much, and people take advantage
of him.
Morgan takes advantage. He tells Russell stories. In fact,
if Morgan had never told Russell about Pooley and Omally,
Russell would never have spent his lunch-time trying to
locate the real Flying Swan. And if he'd never done that,
RUssell would never have found out about the alien
technology in the Second World War, seen the flying
saucer, met Adolf Hitler, heard the voices of God, helped
make a movie that would change the future of the entire
human race and come within a gnat's testicle of selling
his spine to Satan.
AND THAT AIN'T THE HALF OF IT!"
[pb: Corgi 1997, ISBN 0-552-14355-3;] |
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Sprout Mask Replica (1997)
"THE EPIC TALE OF A FAMILY OF
FERVENT GOD-BOTHERERS
His great-great-grandfather died at the Battle of Little
Big Horn. He wasn't with Custer though. He was holding a
sprout-bake and tent meeting and went over to complain.
His great-grandfather (also a former sprout farmer and
man of the cloth) always wore weighted shoes while in the
pulpit to avoid any embarrassing levitations during
moments of extreme rapture. His grandfather (lay preacher,
taste for sprouts) spoke only in rhyming couplets and
owned a pig called Belshazzar. His father (an elder in
the Sacred Order of the Golden Sprout) practised body-modification
in an attempt to win a bet with his brother (a monk). And
then there was him.
Can this be a Robert Rankin's autobiography?
He swears that it isn't, but as a self-confessed teller
of tall tales, whoever is going to believe him?"
[pb: Corgi 1997, ISBN 0-552-14356-1; Cover
Art: Ian Murray] |
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The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag (1998)
"Henry Doors is the world's
richest man. His company, Necrosoft, doesn't just market
computer software, it sells immortality.
Billy Barnes is the world's most ruthless individual.
When Billy isn't feeding bits of his granny to the voodoo
handbag, he's furthering his ambitions: to control
Necrosoft and run the planet. His way.
Lazlo Woodbine is the world's greatest private eye. And
Lazlo's on the case. Or he will be, as soon as he can
persuade the doctor to release him from his staitjacket [sic].
Barry is the world's most famous sprout. He lives in
Lazlo's head and he is confused by all the above."
[pb: Corgi 1998, ISBN 0-552-14580-7; Cover Art: Robert
Rankin, John Alexander] |
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Apocalypso (1998)
"The Ministry of Serendipity at
Mornington Crescent runs everything. And that is everything.
When the Ministry learns of a spacecraft that crashed
four thousand years ago into the Pacific Ocean, it sends
Sir John Rimmer and his élite team of paranormal
investigators to recover it. Amongst Sir John's team is
Danbury Collins, and Danbury isn't keen. He's seen the
movies. He knows how it works: spacecraft is brought up
from the depths. Mad alien thaws out. Hell and horror all
around. Thousands flee in terror. And a bloddy big
explosion at the end. Danbury knows just what should be
done. Nuke it, and nuke it now. But will anybody listen?
No!
Porrig has inherited a planet, or it might be a bookshop,
or it might be a gateway into another world. And Porrig
is worried, because he has learned a terrible secret.
But if he told people all about it, would they listen? No!
But perhaps they should, because a spacecraft has been
brought up from the depths, a mad alien thaws out, there
is hell and horrorall around and thousdands are fleeing
in terror. And there is every likelihood of there being a
bloody big explosion at the end."
[hb: Doubleday 1998, ISBN 0-385-40943-5; Cover Art:
Robert Rankin, John Alexander] |
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Snuff Fiction (1999)
"Society's plug is about to be
pulled, big time. At the stroke of midnight on 31
December 1999, computer systems all over the world will
crash and plunge us into chaos.
But so what if it's the downfall of civilization? These
things happen. We'll just have to take it to the chin. Or
at least up the nose. Because rejoice and give thanks,
snuff is making a comeback. And who do we thank for this?
Who is the man who brings joy to the nostrils of the
nation? The tender blender with the blinder grinder? The
master blaster with the louder powder? The geezer with
the sneezer that's a real crowd pleaser? Mr Doveston,
that's who, and this is his story.
So forget about impending doom and enter the glamorous
world of snuff-snorting. Oh, and don't forget to bring a
hankie. Things could get a little messy later."
[hb: Doubleday 1999, ISBN 0-385-40944-3; Cover Art:
Robert Rankin, John Alexander] |
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Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls (1999)
"I has always been John Omally's
secret ambition to become a rock star. In his youth he
mastered air guitar and wardrobe-mirror posting, but he
lacked that certain something: talent. But at last an
opportunity has arisen for John to get into 'The Industry'.
A band called Gandhi's Hairdryer are looking for a
manager, so all John has to do is persuade them that he
is the new Brian Epstein. It should be a piece of cake.
But - and there's always a but - there's
something rather odd about this band. Something other-worldly.
It might be the lead singer, whose voice has the power to
heal. Might she be an angel, perhaps? Or could she be the
Devil in disguise? Because, after all, the Devil does
have all the best tunes. And this is Brentford.
So forget about millennial madness and the coming of the
euro. Boogie on down to Brentford. Tune in to the Allotment
Wall of Sound Turn on to The Brentford Beat
and drop the day job. There's a TV here that needs
throwing out of a hotel window.
In this, his final offering of the twentieth century,
Robert Rankin returns to the town of his birth, the
friends of his youth and one of the loves of his life:
rock music."
[hb: Doubleday 1999, ISBN 0-385-60056-9; Cover Art:
Robert Rankin, John Alexander] |
Books:
Uwe Milde