What would you do if: (Drunk Theme):

1 ) You are coming to the end of major piss up, the sun is coming up and the birds are starting their bastard singing. You are in a mate's back garden in a dense neighborhood, the temperature is mild, and a dewy mist hangs over the lawn. All is quiet. You get the irresistible urge to make a previously unheard of amount of noise.

Jim - Find dustbin, start hitting with a sturdy stick, now squat, and scream as you have the shit of your life.

Neil - Pries the megaphone from the hands of the dead copper you have just discovered and shout down it "I LOVE SHIT, I LOVE SHIIIITT!!"

Stevie C - Masturbate quietly, just to hear the sound of my spunk pit-a-pattering on the dewy grass.

2 ) Whist wandering down the high street at 3am, with a traffic cone stuck on each arm, each leg and one on your head. You are accosted by three black blokes with knifes intent on thievery.

Neil - having cone covered limbs enables even the most inept pisshead to perform martial arts.  Therefore, I would kick the shit out of them and nick their knives and sell them for a small bag of heroin.

Stevie C - Pretend I knew Cone-Fu

3 ) It is the middle of the day, and you are drunk. Someone has nicked your shades and the sun is burning your fuckin eyes, man. It is Sunday and all the shops are shut. You see a four-year-old girl in a park on her own wearing some McDonalds shades.

Phil - Cut off her ears, she won't complain then, as she has nowhere to hang the glasses.

Neil - Offer said girl a couple of rocks of crack for sunglasses.  If this fails I would rub dog shit into my eyes.

Stevie C - A 4 YEAR OLD GIRL!!!! oh yeah, OH YEAH! uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-ooooooooh-uh-uh-uh-hrrrrrrrrrrrrrn-uuuuuuuuurgh!!

4 ) Having had your drink spiked with tequila all evening by a so-called mate, you are strangely enjoying spraying the pavement the partly digested remains of your last meal. In amongst the usual carrots, sweetcorn and nuts is a couple of two-pound coins. Two tramps suddenly spring up from nowhere and begin rolling around in your pizza and chips fighting over the money / scraps of food.

Phil - Have a shit, might produce a tenner.

Neil - force more vomit from my guts onto the homeless scum.

Stevie C - Play the classic game of  "Vomit-on-a-Tramp"

5) You are very, very drunk and very, very lost. A beautiful woman approaches you and asks if you would like to stay at her house for the night as you have nowhere else to go... once you are in bed with her, you decide that you will resist the urge to fall asleep and bang this tasty bird. You kiss her all over and then go for the removal of her clothing until you get down to her knickers. You are kissing her at the tops of her legs and she is loving it and as you remove her pants you get a face full of cock.

Phil - put cock in mouth, bite cock off, leave.

Neil - Have as much fun with knives as possible

Stevie C - Bite cock off, then fuck the gaping wound.

What would you do?

What would you do if: (Church Theme):

1. You were walking past a church, and seventeen middle aged Christian men with full beards grabbed you and dragged you kicking and screaming inside. Upon entering the church, you find that the entire place is covered in photos of Kylie Minogue, posing with cut out pictures of Christ, and his dad. The head beardy bloke is standing menacingly at the altar with a huge dildo raised aloft his head, as you are being carried closer and closer...

Phil - join them, I love all that shit.

Neil - shit bullets.

Stevie C - Tell him i'm a Muslim, then watch the fucker run!

2. You are in a graveyard at night on a stake out when some stinky curry eating terrorist inside the church threatens to blow it up with a massive bomb, unless everyone agrees that boyzone are ace. The terrorist is playing boyzone records at full volume with a Fisher Price record player wired up to some massive speakers with words written on them in crayon like "Boyzone have great butts" and "Boyzone... come to Iraq, It's great!" and "Glen loves Boyzone." and "I wish I could stop bedwetting, then maybe Boyzone would like me".

Neil - piss acid.

Stevie C - Call him a cunt, put my fingers in my ears, and wait for the bang.  There's NO FUCKING WAY I'm going to admit that Boyzone are ace.

3. A priest is found guilty of molesting your pet cat, in a church, while wearing a large corn cob suit and holding a dusty stuffed badger which has been painted in brown sauce, and he gets let off lightly and goes back to work in your local church.

Neil - stalk him and then when he least expects it smash his head up and replace his head with a statue of Princess (Landmines) Diana saying "Where's your fuckin' tool?"

Stevie C - Good for him, he's less perverted than most of the priests I know.

4. Your bird says she wants to become a member of the Church of Scientology because Tom Cruise is cool, and she is really serious.

Neil - start up my own church... the church of christain death.  Famous members could include Monty Don, Jeffery from Rainbow and Lefteye from TLC.

Stevie C - Dump the bitch, Tom Cruise is a spastic.

5. God appears in the sky demanding a pristine Boba Fett action figure, or he will make everyone have a massive cock come out of their eyes.

Neil - sounds like fun.

Stevie C - I'd rather go cock blind than give up Boba Fett.  Fucker.

What would you do if: (cars theme):

1. You were driving along and a boy threw a rock at your car.

Stevie C - Stop, reverse, run the little prick over.

2. While proceeding in an orderly manner along the M3, you see what can only be a man wanking of off the bridge that you are just about to approach in your new convertible. You do not have time to get the top back up, or swerve.

Stevie C - Try and catch the spunk in my mouth, just to see what he's been eating!

3. Whilst waiting in traffic on a motorway, a very fat naked man is running around, dancing between the cars. He looks a bit like Buller.

Stevie C - Remove his penis using the electric windows.

4. You ran over Nicolas Lyndhurst, and his sad face bounced on your bonnet.

Stevie C - Wahoo! No more "Goodnight Sweetheart"!

5. You suddenly realise that you have drunk 27 pints of lager, 19 JD & coke, 34 Bacardi Breezers and are travelling at 130MPH along the M4 in broad daylight.

Stevie C - "That's me fucked then!"

What would you do if: (family theme):

1. Your Nan was running round trying to throw a pot of boiling water in your face.

Stevie C - Ask her to aim for my groin.

2. Someone planted a Gay mag on you and your dad found it.

Stevie C - My dad probably planted it!

3. Your dog is attacked in the back garden by ravenous squirrels intent on rape.

Stevie C - That happened to a friend of mine.  His mum, his dad and his sister were raped by squirrels.

4. Your sister wants to shag you... up the arse.

Stevie C - "Not with that dildo, use the bigger one!"

5. You find your brother in the kitchen feasting on the remains of the recently exhumed body of your great-granddad.

Stevie C - Fuck him up the arse while he chews on the old mans rancid buttocks.