BEST OF 1995
(assorted jokes)

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure son. What's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her the Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call the Future. Do you understand son?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

Father: Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

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.....just wondering.....

If a ram is a sheep, and an ass is a donkey, why is a ram in the ass a goose?

If you placed a refrigerator in a climatically sealed room and left it running with the door open, would the room get hotter or colder?

Why are flamingo's pink and their knees are on backwards?

What's the shortest route around an island?

If you are travelling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

What is Braille for "Braille"?

Do babies think adults are cute?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If you unscrewed your bellybutton, would you ass fall off?

If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?

If Barbie is so dang popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends?

If you are standing directly on the line between two time zones, and it is 12:00 on one side and 1:00 on the other, is it 12:30 where you are standing?

Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a cargo?

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TO: Kentucky Son
FROM: Kentucky Mom

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Kentucky family that lived here took the number with them for their next house so they would not have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons. So we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home; said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral; up she comes.

About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or and uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for 3 days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Write more often.
Love, Mom

p.s. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.