DOCTOR JOKES
DOCTOR JOKES
This girl in the early teens has a lisping problem so she visits a doctor.
Beginning the examination, the doctor puts on his stethoscope and says,
"Big breath."
She replies, "Yeth, and I am not even thikteen."
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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have
24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not
important now!
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Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don't do that.
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Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again.
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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are
the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
"May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little
change..."
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There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one
says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."
The second one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best
Doctor in New York City." The third one says "My son has not done that well.
He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two
great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other
is the best doctor in the city."
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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why
she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for
birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep
better at night."
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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has
any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about
the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more...
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to
begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam,
I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies,
"Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
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A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.
As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet,
and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this
happens she say "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" The man
replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
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"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
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A Cold is both positive and negative; sometimes the eyes have it,
sometimes the nose.
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In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells
of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems
one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three
complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember nothin' besides."
Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the
apothecary, and made two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them
both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well.
Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then
yelled out, "Yeachhhhh... this stuff tastes like shee-it."
"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're
certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory
is acting up, just take the other pill."
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Why do doctors spank new-borns?
So the balls fall off the dumb ones!
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A woman goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is about to
have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks
the doctor:
Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects
the organ?
Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been
in business?
Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does
that have to do with anything?
Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an
organ yet!
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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on
your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's
so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair
in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress,
I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I....YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
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Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to
tell me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
Doctor(shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!
Woman(angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
Doctor: I didn't.
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Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend
of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had
been doing.
The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk
now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They
got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage,
that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick,
mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home"
with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"
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A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman
wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the
rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence
before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my
condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'".
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A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said,
"There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"
and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an appointement, have intercourse,
pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She is married and we can't go to her house.
I am married so we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00.
The Hilton charges $98.00.
We do it here for $32.00,
and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."