The following are excerpts from various New Jersey  medical
journals, some straight from the Delbarton nurse's office (see
class of '92), others from the Rear End of San Francisco.


         INNER SKELETON

   A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,
   suffering abdominal pains.   X-rays showed that she was carrying
  a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade
  earlier.  It  had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled
  from her body.


         FEMALE SOFA

         A 500 lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital.
 During the  examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her
 armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote
control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.


         OUCH!

       A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room
covered in bloody restaurant towels.  The man had his around his
waist, and the woman had hers around her head.  They eventually explained
to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic
dinner.  Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to
administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic
fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from
side to side.
  In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed
 her in the head until she let go.


   BABY CHICKEN

   A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York
emergency room complaining of abdominal pains.  During an
examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with
old safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of
a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken
pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.


   SEX EDUCATION

   A Californian doctor examining a young woman with
 abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active.  She said
that she wasn't.
  A later examination showed that she was pregnant.  Asked
 why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman
replied -I'm not, I just lie there-.
   When asked if she knew who the father was, with a
puzzled look she replied -No.
   Who?-


   BLIND DRUNK

   A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of
 severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses.  He said
that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in.  A
 nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. 
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have
his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the
 membrane of his cornea.


   GROWING SEASON

   An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green
 vines growing from her vagina.  Investigation revealed a large
potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that
she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her
uterus was falling out.


   PRICKLY PAIR

   In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to
 his penis. He complained that his wife had -a rat in her pussy-
and it bit him during sex.  After an examination of his wife, if was
 revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.


   LAST STAND

   A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a
  permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on
holiday in Cuba,he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some
 erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it
sparingly.
 However,since he was having so much fun,he kept using more and
more.  By the time he came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his
penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could
do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it
would return to flaccidity in a few days.  They also told him to enjoy his
erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.


   JUICY LUCY

   In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge
 from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with
the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her.  -I followed
all the instructions to the letter,- she told her doctor, -and used it
with the jelly.-
    When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied
 -Grape.-


   BRUSH AFTER MEALS

   A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses
 for a burst vein in his stomach.  While changing the dressing,
one of the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's
chest. They had been breeding between his teeth, and smelling
the open wound, decided to feed further down his body.


   PET SHOP BOYS

   In Salt Lake City, two men came into the ER.  One had partial
   thickness burns to the natal cleft'.  The other had a singed
    moustache and a broken nose.  Investigating doctors found a
live gerbil in the first man's colon. The pair explained that they
tried to free it using a cardboard cylinder. Unable to see, the second
man lit a match to get a better view, which resulted in substantial
methane combustion.


   CALL THE BOMB SQUAD!

   A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a
  haemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down
from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with
an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. 
Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still
live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a
lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before it could
be removed.


   KLINGONS AROUND URANUS

   A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in
 his  rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling
around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the
mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing
 constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect
concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed........................along with
a stray Ping-Pong ball.

   You were warned......