The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

 "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys,
 and kids with fake IDs."

 "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

 "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your
 life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

 "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
 important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!
 Except the weasel."

 "If you really want something in life you have to work for it.
 Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

 "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's
 problems!"

 "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a
 city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it
would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

 "I want to share something with you - the three sentences
 that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh,
 good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

 "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

 "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my
 specialty.'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

 "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all
 the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
Well, good night."

 "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether
 you win or lose, it's how drunk you get."

 "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't -
 it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil
wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

 "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in
 every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

 "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from
 that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"

 "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to
 all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear
anybody laughin', did you?"

 "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

 "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding,
 'you're making a scene.'"

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