1)

In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen.
A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand,
you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

 "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.

 Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

 After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had
inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a
word and walked out of class... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not
the back of your throat.

2)

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two
nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and
paint in the nude.  In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at
the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the> room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

3)

The Perfect Girl
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.  In high
school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.  So I
decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl,
but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the
time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very
stable girl, but she was  boring. She never got excited about anything. So
I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl,
but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another,
never settling on anything. She was directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.  After college, I found an
ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and
took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

4)

Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name
on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes
out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has
nothing under the robe.  Poor Joe aks out into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in
my apartment, I hear someonecoming..." He proceeds with her into the
apartment, and after she closes the door,she leans against it allowing her
robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Joe
stammers, clears his throat several times,and finally squeaks out,
"Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look
at these breasts!  They are full,don't sag, and they're 100% natural!
My buns - they are firm and do not sag,and have no cellulite!  Look
at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you
say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once
again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming?
That was me."


5)

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he  walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a
nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful  woman and starts talking to her.  They have
a couple of beers and one  thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment.  After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says,  "Oh
no, its so late, my  wife's going to kill me. Have you got any  talcum
powder?" She gives  him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on
his hands and then  he goes home.  His wife is  waiting for him in
the doorway and she is pretty pissed.  "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but
they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I
saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing
led to another and I ended up in bed with her."  "Oh yeah? Let me see your
hands!"   She sees his hands are covered with powder and...  "You
Goddamned liar!!!   You went bowling again!!!"

6)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding the prairies.
Tonto stops, gets off his horse, and puts his head against the ground.
"Buffalo come," he said.
"Gee, that's amazing," said the Lone Ranger. "How do you know that?"
"Face sticky."

7)

Yuppie
A yuppie opened the door of his new BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely.  When the police arrived at
the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his
precious BMW.   "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer," he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" said the officer.
You're so worried about your stupid car, that you didn't even notice your
left arm was ripped off!"   "Oh, my Gaaawd," screamed the yuppie, finally
noticing the bloody shoulder where his arm once was.  "Where's my Rolex?"

8)

Subject:  blondes?

Why did the blonde have square boobs?
She forgot to take the tissue out of the box.


Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
Because every time their head hits a pillow their
legs open.


Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?
Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.


How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
You knock on the door.


What is similar between a UFO and a smart blonde?
You always hear about them, but never see one.


Three blondes were driving down the highway trying
to get to Disneyland. They saw a sign that read
"Disneyland Left." So they went home.


One day a blonde goes up to a soda machine. She
puts in some money and a soda comes out. She gets
really excited and started to put more money into
the machine. The more and more she did it, the
more the sodas came out. Someone walked up to her
and asked her if they could get a soda.
The blonde said, "Get out of my face, I'm winning!


A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.
The other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
he tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the
stirrup.
When this happened, she fell head first to the ground.
Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow
down.  Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart
manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

9)

Subject:        Bees and Butterflies

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw
a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it."That was a honey bee," his father
said, "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey
for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it."That was a
butterfly," his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping him you
will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his
plain toast (no honey and butter.) Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the
stove. His mother stomped it.  The boy looked at his father and said,
"Are you going to tell her or should I ?"


10)

101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. You don't sweat much for a fat person.
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
      Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself.
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Was what good for me?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate people who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're
    fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. You can cook too, right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Sun".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page