Excuses for Missing a Day of Work

From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post

A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with
excuses to miss a day of work.


If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an
hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the
loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi)
clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with
a rolled up Times.  Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?
No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her
to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal
peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a
commuter tax.  I insist on paying my fair share.

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