Compilation 1998/08/04


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station,was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours 
ahead of schedule,at 2 AM.  Not wanting to wake his wife, he
undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into
bed. She sleepily sat up and said,
       "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug
store on the next block and get me some aspirin?  I've got  a
splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey,"

he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked
over to the drug store.  As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in
surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of 
the 8th District?"  "Yes, I am," said the officer.  "Well, then,
what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?!"
 
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 In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery. To keep the nervous father-to- be busy, the doctor handed him a
lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" 
said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think 
there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he
had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to
be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one 
besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, 
and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
 
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  A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home.  She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't
be as much work as say a dog,  and it would be fun to hear it speak. She
went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a  large beautiful parrot. She
went to the owner of the store and asked how much.  The owner said it was
$50.  Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it.The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I
should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse.   
Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."  The woman thought about this, but
decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The
petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.  She hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird
looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The
woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so
bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New
house, new madam, new whores." The girls and  the woman were a bit
offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.  A couple of
hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.  The bird looked at
him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; old friend.  Hi George!"
 
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  A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodkas."  The barman says "Wow!  You must have had one hell of a
day. Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the
same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the
bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just
found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy
came into the bar and ordered another six double  vodkas.  The bartender
said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"  "Yeah, my
wife..."

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