Shooting yourself in the foot

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

C You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++ You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula2 After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ....

BASIC Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH Foot in yourself shoot.

APL You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it fewer characters.

Pascal The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

UNIX % ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

Paradox Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

Prolog You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

370 JCL You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Ada After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Assembly You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

...and finally, added by me...

Forté You create any large number of instances of your foot and the gun, scatter each of them around the room and concurrently pull all triggers. Some guns shoot feet, all feet get shot zero or more times, some guns also get shot, but you have used so much memory you can't remember why.

Back to humour

C	You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++	You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN	You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Modula2	After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL	Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP	You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ....
BASIC	Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH	Foot in yourself shoot.
APL	You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it fewer characters.
Pascal	The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL	If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Concurrent Euclid	You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk	Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif	You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
UNIX	% ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o: No such file or directory % ls %
Paradox	Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation	You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic	You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
Prolog	You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
370 JCL	You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Ada	After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
Assembly	You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
...and finally, added by me...
Forté	You create any large number of instances of your foot and the gun, scatter each of them around the room and concurrently pull all triggers. Some guns shoot feet, all feet get shot zero or more times, some guns also get shot, but you have used so much memory you can't remember why.