The Original Joke

102 Ways to tell if you are Chinese

1. You love to go to $1.75 movies.
2. You love to go to $1.50 movies even more!
3. You don't order sweet & sour pork, egg foo young, or chop suey at a chinese restaurant.
4. You have a pager, even though you don't really need it.
5. You have a really nice pager, with an alphanumeric display.
6. You have a cellular phone, even though you don't really need it.
7. You hate to spend more than $5 for lunch.
8. You drive a Honda.
9. You have custom rims on your Honda.
10. You have a chinese knick-knack hanging on your rearview mirror.
11. You like to eat chicken feet.
12. You suck on fish heads ( especially the eyeballs) & fish fins.
13. You turn bright red after drinking 2 tablespoons of beer.
14. You can get a buzz on Coors Cutter, O'douls, or Miller Sharps.
15. You look like you are 18.
16. You always look up at women, if you are male.
17. You always look up at chinese men, if you are female.
18. You live at your parents house, & you are not claimed as a dependent by them.
19. You only buy used cars.
20. You have more than 5 remote controls in your TV room.
21. You sing Karaoke.
22. You have a custom stereo in your Honda with the custom rims.
23. You entire house is covered with tile.
24. You have those plastic walkways covering your hallway & other heavy foot traffic.
25. You own a gun if you are male.
26. You have plastic or some other kind of cover on your furniture.
27. You leave the plastic on your lampshade for 10 years or more.
28. You eat family dinners with the TV on.
29. You love watching Connie Chung.
30. You have an incredible amount of clutter in your house.
31. You can't bear to throw away things.
32. You are an engineer.
33. Your dad washes his hair 4 times a year.
34. You hate getting B's.
35. Your house smells like preserved fish.
36. Your house smells like chinese medicine.
37. You have about 12-20 uncles & aunts.
38. You've never kissed your mom or dad.
39. You've never hugged your mom or dad.
40. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.
41. You wear contacts, to avoid wearing your "coke bottle glasses".
42. You've worn glasses since you were in fifth grade.
43. You had a bowl cut before.
44. You go to yard sales often.
45. If you lose a dollar, you dwell upon it for more then 5 mintues.
46. Your parents own a restaurant or grocery store.
47. You love to "buck" the system.
48. If you are overcharged you scream bloody murder, but if you are undercharged, you go your merry way.
49. Your hair sticks up when you wake up.
50. You get a rush from getting a good deal.
51. You'll make ridiculous offers when bargaining. ("I'll give you $5 for that car")
52. You'll haggle over something that is not negotiable.
53. You love to use coupons.
54. You drive around looking for the cheapest gas.
55. You add twice the recommended amount of water when making orange juice from concentrate
56. You'll squeeze a toothpaste tube down to paper thin.
57. You take showers at night.
58. You'll drive around for hours looking for the best parking space.
59. You'll learn about sex from someone other then your parents.
60. You'll be convinced your parents had sex as many times as required to produce you & your siblings.
61. You've never seen your parents kiss.
62. You've never seen your parents hug.
63. Your grandmother lives with you & your family.
64. Your Honda has been "lowered".
65. You never buy stuff from the concession stands at the movies.
66. You tip 15% or less.
67. You never order dessert at restaurants.
68. You always have water only when dining out.
69. You refuse to use the valet.
70. You try not to use the bellhop, for fear of tipping.
71. You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms.
72. You don't mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room.
73. You want your dollar back from the friend who borrowed it right away.
74. You get the runs when you drink lots of milk.
75. Most girls have more body hair than you if you are male.
76. You have a great love for cameras.
77. Sanrio means a lot to you if you are female.
78. Your fridge stinks.
79. Your parents don't want you to move out when you turn 18.
80. Your parents want to live with you when they are old.
81. You tap the table when someone pours tea for you.
82. You point to your nose when referring to yourself.
83. You say "Aiya!" & "Wah!" frequently.
84. You lie about your kids' ages when going to a movie or amusement park.
85. You lie about your age to get a senior citizen's discount.
86. You don't want to wear your seatbelt because it is uncomfortable.
87. You love Las Vegas, slot machines, & blackjack.
88. You love to play Mahjong.
89. You want to marry chinese.
90. You have to read all your parents' mail written in english.
91. You have to make phone calls for your parents to english speakers.
92. Your parents ask you if you are home when you come home. ("Faun nei mah?")
93. You get a knuckle in your skull if you are being punished by your parents.
94. You are constantly being set up with uninteresting people by your parents.
95. You always hear about how great so-and-so's son or daughter is.
96. Your Honda has the "boom".
97. Your parents wish you would give 30% of your income to them.
98. Your childhood is filled with painful memories of the long feather duster ("Gi Mo So")
99. You can use the words "chink" & "chinaman" with impunity.
100. Your clothes smell like fried foods.
101. You talk at the top of your voice at all occasions.
102. You hate eating cheese.

THE TOP TEN ASIAN PICK-UP LINES

1. I may look like a nerd but it's only a disguise.
2. I carry this beeper not to feel important but so my mom knows where I am. I carry this phone to call her back.
3. Uhhhh, no, I didn't play football in high school but I did letter in varsity volleyball & tennis.
4. Has anyone ever told you you look like Chun Li? You know, that girl from Street Fighter 2.
5. What do I do? Gee, I thought you would never ask. Y'see, I'm finishing my first year of residency in internal medicine.
6. Yeah, (sniff) I cried during "Joy Luck Club."
7. Do I cook? Well, not really but I can whip up a pretty mean fried rice!
8. You know what? It's strange, but I get mistaken for a white guy all the time!
9. Hey baby, wanna ride in my 16-valve, twin-cam lowered Acura Integra with BBS gold-spiked rims & a subwoofered stereo that'll leave you breathless?
10. My eyes may seem small but I've got a HUGE personality!

82 More Ways to know if you are Chinese..

1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save & reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls & store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil
6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
9. You have never used your dishwasher.
10. You keep a thermos of hot water available at all times.
11. You boil water & put it in the refrigerator.
12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, & tin container.
14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
15. You always leave your shoes at the door.
16. You have a piano in your living room.
17. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.
18. You iron your own shirts.
19. You play a musical instrument.
20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
22. You hate to waste food.
    1. Even if youre totally full, if someone says theyre going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.
    2. You have tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
23. You dont own any real tupperware -- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, & jam jars.
24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
25. Youve eaten a red bean popsicle.
26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit peoples homes.
27. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonalds.
29. Ditto paper napkins.
30. You never order room service.
31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

    These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, & beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID).

32. You own a rice cooker.
33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
34. You spit bones & other food scraps on the table. (Thats why you need the vinyl tablecloth).
35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous.
36. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
40. You live with your parents & you are 30 years old. (And they prefer it that way).

    If youre married & 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.

41. You dont use measuring cups.
42. You feel like youve gotten a good deal if you didnt pay tax.
43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
44. Your parents house is always cold.
45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
46. You reuse teabags.
47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which dont write anymore.
48. If youre under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman; if youre over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
49. You mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club.
50. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.
51. You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
52. You're a wok user.
53. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m.
54. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.
55. You like Chinese films in their orignal undubbed versions.
    1. You love Chinese Martial Arts films.
    2. Shao Lin & Wu Tang actually mean something to you.
56. You have acquired a taste for bitter melon.
57. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
58. You prefer your shrimp with the heads & legs still attached-- means they're fresh.
59. You never call your parents just to say hi.
60. You always cook too much.
61. If you dont live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if its midnight.
62. Also, if you dont live at home, your parents always want you to come home.
63. Your parents tell you to boil herbs & stay inside when you get sick.
64. When youre sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese)
65. You e-mail your Chinese freinds at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
66. Your parents never go to the movies.
67. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
68. You use a face cloth.
69. Your parents use a clothes line.
70. You're always late.
71. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but dont eat the last piece of food on the table.
72. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.
73. Youve joined a CD club at least once.
74. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.
75. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
76. Your parents are never happy with your grades.
77. You save your old coke bottle glasses even though youre never going to use them again.
78. You keep used batteries.
79. You own your own meat cleaver & sharpen it.
80. You keep most of your money in a savings account.
81. You know what MJ means.
82. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.

How To Be A Cool Asian

• Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white.
• Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine.
• Own a cellular phone with a built in answering machine.
• Have only Asian friends.
• Speak only in Asian languages.
• Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're actually going to class.
• If you're a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA.
• If you're a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA.
• Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're with friends.
• Travel only in droves of 10 & above to parties.
• Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties"!
• Refuse to dance to anything but techno music.
• Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other Asians.
• Dance in circles at all parties & clubs.
• If you're a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE!.
• If you're a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR EACH TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY!.
• Wear only designer labels.
• Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel.
• Own a pair of Doc Martens.
• Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know nothing about them.
• Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owner.
• BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, & TOMMY HILFIGER.
• Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car.
• Own a sports car.
• Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated.
• Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school.
• Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion.
• Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
• If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a circumsized penis.
• If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red for optimal "coolness".
• Two words: Manhattan Portage.
• If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is inversely related to the loudness of your car's engine.
• If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small chest. Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of make up on your face.
• If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
• If you're Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a goldfish.
• Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a cooler one"!
• If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
• If you're a guy, start having insecurities & complain about the "theft"of your women.
• If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially anyway.
• Be consistent in wearing matching Calvin Klein clothing.

You Know You're Asian If...

1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
2. Your dad is some sort of engineer.
3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15.
4. You ask your parents help on one math problem & 2 hours later they're still lecturing.
5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
6. You shop 99 Ranch.
7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from.
8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance & walk around a temple, forest or library.
11. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
12. You drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
14. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
15. At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say . . . "
16. You know what bok choy is.
17. You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
18. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back & closet doors.
19. You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).
20. You have NO eyelashes.
21. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc...
22. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
23. The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner.
24. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.
25. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses.
26. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."
27. Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.
28. An Asian woman comes on campus & people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"
29. Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both.
30. Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"
31. Everyone thinks you're good at math.
32. Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs & Wah's".
33. You like $1.75 movies.
34. You like $1.50 movies even more.
35. Your aunts & uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks & English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange & the ever popular lime green.
36. Your parents insist you marry within your race.
37. You never order chop suey, sweet & sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food.
38. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it.
39. Your parents have never kissed you.
40. Your parents have never kissed each other.
41. You learned about the birds & the bees from someone other than your parents.
42. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
43. People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick & ask you to translate.
44. You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie & Uncle."
45. You have 12+ aunts & uncles.
46. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage & NEVER order dessert.
47. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread & say "Eat it anyway. It's still good."
48. The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
49. You will most likely be taller than your parents.
50. Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.
51. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't.
52. When going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.
53. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue & pink stripes at the top.
54. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.
55. Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e., Michael Chang).
56. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
57. You have rocks, sticks, leaves & strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
58. You own a rice cooker or two.
59. You buy soy sauce by the gallon.
60. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
61. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, andhow much they still appreciated going.
62. Your parents buy you clothes & shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" & wear it for years to come."
63. You parents own a liquor store, dry cleaner, or some kind of discount store
64. You drive a lowered, fixed up integra, eclipse, or some kind of Honda
65. You never tip over 15%
66. You hate Denny's, even though you go there 24-7
67. You love Sanrio stuff
68. You have a pager
69. You do that twirling thingie with you pen
70. You always have a box of Sapporo Ichiban ramyun or Yook-eh-jang
71. Even though your family isn't super rich, you own a Mercedes or Lexus
72. You bring home all A's and one B, and your parents yell, "Why did you get a B?"
73. There is a 75% chance that you'll marry someone with the same last name
74. White people always say, "Say my name in korean!"
75. When you have a family gathering, 50 little kids are running around your house, and YOU have to entertain them
76. You can't stand Margaret Cho (that actress on All American Girl)
77. When the bill comes, you practically beat each other up- saying that YOU'LL pay for the bill
78. When you were in Junior High, you were either a nerd or a little "kkang ppeh" wannabe
79. Your parents say, "The reason why we came to America was so that you could get a good education, so go to Harvard."
80. You either have to be a doctor, lawyer, or some big-time business tychoon
81. Your parents say, "1600 isn't that hard...just study."
82. When some mega-mega nerd student is in the korean newspaper, your parents say, "why can't you be like him?"
83. If you're a guy, then you always have to put up with the "20 questions" game when you call a girl if her parents answer but if you're smart, you ask, "Um hello? Is Bob there?"
84. No matter how well your parents speak english, they can't say "wood"
85. Your parent's idea of a social life is church
86. You or your parents start singing when drunk
87. You have the asian decals stuck to your car
88. Your parents are still shorter than you
89. You make daily stops to the local "Hello Kitty" store
90. Your dad owns plaid pants
91. You or your parents hand wash underwear
92. Your main source of income is New Years
93. Your parents think anything goes with rice
94. The rice you eat can stick to anything
95. Your parents still spank you, even when you move out
96. Failing a class means finding a new place to live
97. Your mom rents korean soap operas and watches them daily
98. You have naked baby pictures of you
99. Your parents read the labels of everything to see if it was made in Korea
100. Your parents yell out your korean name REAL loud in public places
101. Ramen is the fifth food group
102. You have to translate for your parents when ordering fast food
103. Your parents are afraid of African-American people

How to be a Perfect Asian Parent
(from the second generation perspective)

1. Be a little more lenient on the 7PM curfew.
2. Don't ask where the other point went when your child comes home with a 99 course grade on his/her report card.
3. Don't "ai-yah" loudly at your kid's dress habits.
4. Don't blatantly hint about the merits of Hah-phoo (Harvard), Yale-uh (Yale), Stan-phoo (Stanford), & Emeh-I-Tee (MIT).
5. Don't reveal all the intimate details of your kid's life to the entire Asian community.
6. Don't ask your child, "What are you going to do with you life" if he/she majors in a non-science field.
7. Don't give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.
8. Don't try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their taste or inept social skills.
9. Incorporate other phrases besides "Did you study yet?" into your daily conversations with your children.
10. Don't ask all your kid's friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.
11. Don't search their room.
12. Don't open your kid's mail.
13. Don't listen in on their phone conversations.
14. Don't keep feeding them after they've said I'm going to burst with one more bite.
15. Allow them to sleep over at a friend's house instead of just letting friends sleep over at your's.
16. Don't tell them to read their bible every day instead of wasting their time watching tv.
17. Don't ask them about what they think of every Asian girl/guy you mutually know.
18. Don't compare your kids with those of others.
19. At least let them go to a school dance.
20. Let them develop a real personality instead of molding them into socially challenged individuals.

How to Be a Perfect Asian Kid
(from the first generation perspective)

1. Score 1600 on the SAT.
2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.
3. Apply to & be accepted by 27 colleges.
4. Have three hobbies: studying, studying, & studying.
5. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university & win enough scholarship to pay for it.
6. Love classical music & detest talking on the telephone.
7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential, & eventually a Rhodes Scholar.
8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
9. Marry a Asian-American doctor & have perfect, successful children (grandkids for ahma & ah-gongh!)
10. Love to hear stories about your parents' childhood...especially the one about walking 7 miles to school without shoes.
11. Never go out to party.
12. Don't drink, smoke or gamble.
13. Be a clean freak.
14. Become an incredibly faithful Christian, but don't you dare think of going to seminary.
15. Dress like Forest Gump.
16. Be totally obedient along the lines of a robot with no mind of your own.
17. Marry and provide grandchildren ASAP.
18. Never move out of the house.
19. Be better than everybody else's kids!

An Asian tourist has some problems

There is a man who visits Great Britain on a vacation from his home country: China. The first day he exchanges some Chinese money for twenty British pounds. That day he paints the town red & needs to go to get more money. The next day he goes back to the same currency exchange office & gives the same ammount of Chinese currency, but only gets 19 pounds in return. In broken English, he says to the clerk, "Yestaday, I give you Chinese money and you give me 20 pound. Today, I give you same money, you give 19." The clerk replies, "Sir, it's the market. Fluctuations."

The Chinese man gets an enraged look on his face & yells back, "Fluck you Asians!!? Well Fluck You British!!"

Why Asian Women should hang with Asian Men

1. We know martial arts & if we don't it still looks like we do. If you do a couple of kicks that aren't too pathetic ppl will think you are a master. Good deterent.
2. We speak two languages. We can speak to you & your parents. In other words we can pucker up for you & your parents. Note: You must be the same asian race for this to apply.
3. We can use chopsticks. In asian restaurants we can split kimchee for you with chopsticks. Try that with a fork & spoon. We can also play table drums for you with chopsticks. How romantic...
4. We like the same music you do. All that new-wave/techo mixed & synthesized stuff.
5. We are all gonna be rich doctors, engineers, & lawyers. That means only one thing for you, "Shopping Shopping & more Shopping" Wheee.
6. We can be your geek on the street(We can help you with all your studying b/c we are naturally geniuses). Or we can be your stud in the pub (We can drink alot & have that squinty eyed, drooping cig, drink in one hand, we are cool, look that will make you want to sit with us).
7. We know what asian babes want. Our moms told us.
8. Our hairstyles are low maintanence. We just need a bowl & scissors.
9. We not only know all about american culture we make a great looking couple.
10. We are just as sensitive, understanding, & intelligent as the next American toughguy.

Top Ten Reasons there won't be a Chinese President Anytime Soon

1. White House not big enough for in-laws
2. Engineering, medicine, & law always preferred over politics
3. Oval Office has bad feng shui
4. Can't find decent roast duck inside the beltway
5. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother
6. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners
7. No chance for promotion
8. Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct
9. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in
10. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles

Ways to tell if you are at an Asian Party:

If you are a Guy:

1. You arrive to the party with a group of 10 or more other guys (in Hondas, of course!).
2. You are wearing Plaid or Flannel Shirt w/ a pair of jeans, Doc Martin's, and a white shirt underneath.
3. The line at the door is short with mostly guys (approx 90% guys/ 10% girls).
4. You don't mind if any girl cuts infront of you even they are ugly. If a guy cuts, you want to start a fight.
5. You hair contains two bottoles of mousse, one tube of gel, & one can of hair spray incase one strand gets out of place.
6. You are either bald or you have a 2 hour old fade.
7. Your pants are sagging, a pager is always in the right front pocket snapped on backwards, & your car alarm remote is hanging out in the left front pocket.
8. You stare at every girl at the party, but never approach any of them.
9. You hope the girl you've been looking at, knows one of your friends and then you will say "Hook Me UP!".
10. Gets a woody if a cute girl happens to look at you & smile.
11. As you come into the party, you say "what's up" to a guy friend with some sort of hand shake & it always end with a finger snap.
12. You've smoked approximately 3 packs of Marlboro Lights before the night is over.
13. You start to ask for cigarettes off of friends after your 3 packs cuz you think it will kill off the buzz from drinking 1/2 cup of 8oz. beer.
14. You take about 2 hours to ask a girl to dance & by the time you get enough nerves to go up to her, one of her guy friends beat you to it. And you end up "Muggin" (that's the look of someone who wants to start a fight) that guy for the rest of the night & you keep tellin your friends that "she's dancin' with a chump".
15. You end up settling for dancin with one of your girlfriends who doesn't look as good, have any kind of a body, or have any kind of rhythm (she's just nice).
16. You come to the party all pumped up & by the time it's time to go home, you say "that party was weak! there was hella ugly girls" just cuz you didn't hook up with anybody eventhough there was some fine ass girls.

If you are a Girl:

1. You try to arrive a little late cuz you know that you get to cut somewhere in the lines as long as you look half decent & you reveal a little bit of your "size A" breasts with your "Wonder Bra".
2. You never bring any money cuz you'll usually get in free by flirting with the guys at the door & suckers always buy you drinks.
3. You order Midori Sours & Kamikaze's.
4. You are wearing baggy jeans with a black "bebe, Calvin Klein, Kenneth Cole, or DKNY" baby doll shirt.
5. High heeled black boots & a mini black back pack always are a part of your party attire.
6. Some article of clothing is always black.
7. You play with your hair when you try to get a cute guy's attention.
8. You introduce yourself in the following manner: Your Name, Some Greek Alphabets, Your University, & "Nice to Meet You!".
9. You only acknowledge people who is also wearing articles of clothing with some sort of Greek Alphabets.
10. Get very angry when you see your cute guy freakin (dancin very nastily for those who needs the translation) with another girl who is wearing less clothes & more revealing than you.
11. You go nuts when you hear "Bizarre Love Triangle" by New Order about to come on. You start to move your hips to the song, as you smile & make your self approachable. You wait 30 seconds as you look around & find out everyone is out there dancin'. You get desperate, then you lower your standards by asking the guy whom which you turned down 3 times that nite to dance.
12. When that guy turns you down cuz he thought you were a bitch for turning him down 3 times, you get a few of your girl friends who also went through #11, & you all dance together in a group.

The Party in General:

1. Ladies in free before 9:00, then when 9:00 comes around, it becomes free before 10:00, til it's free all nite.
2. The guys at the door get a hard on (or a woody) when a group of girls flirts with them to get in free.
3. The guys in line start to say "Damn, did you see that bitch, she was fine. That's Me dogg, That's all ME!".......and do nothing about it!.... then, at the end of the nite he said "she wasn't all dat, I saw her close up & damn, it looks like someone stepped on her face & kept walkin!" Cuz he didn't hook up wit her.
4. Male or female won't approach one another unless they know one of your friends in your group.
5. The only rap songs you recognize are: Hip Hop Hooray & Baby Got Back.
6. Most of the people who are dancin have no rhythm. None what so ever.
7. Guys ask girls to dance in a group. 2 on 2, 3 on 3,8 on 8.... "hey, you wanna dance? how many friends you got? We got 8 too!" "come on girl, stop frontin!" "We just gonna dance".
8. The bar never makes any money.
9. The whole dance floor is doing the "Cha Cha" when "Bizarre Love Triangle" is on.
10. Smokers be smokin up a storm.
11. Everyone looks like they are 16 if it's a 18 & over party; people look 17 if it's a 21 & over.
12. A few guys who actually finished the 8oz beer are hugging the trash can.
13. When the slow song comes on, it's a Que. for the single people to leave & go outside. Like the outside scene would give you a better chance of hooking up.
14. The pony keg is still half full.

How to prepare before going to an Asian Party:

1. Buy hair products at Costco (Price Club).
2. Buy cigarettes at Costco (Price Club).
3. Go to the barber shop or a friend who really knows how to cut hair, exactly two hours before the expected arrival time & ask for a "FADE".
4. Have plenty of flannels handy & washed cuz you don't want to be wearing the same color plaid as your friends. (This way, there will be a variety of plaids to choose from).
5. Practice the following at home: your attitude, do your hair, sag your pants, try on every color of your plaid shirts, work on your alcohol tolerance by drinking 1oz of beer & increasing one oz a week, go to "bebe" for a $50 black tee shirt, learn how to do the "Cha Cha".
6. Practice to check out a girl or a guy without staring for an hour. (half a second should be your goal).
7. Fix up your Honda.
8. Don't forget your pager since it is a part of your party attire (remember in the right front pocket backwards). Borrow one or just use one even if it's turned off.
9. Cellular Phones goes in the right/left back pocket.
10. Learn the finger snap hand shake.
11. Finally, learn & know the Greek Alphabet by heart.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN TAIWAN TOO LONG WHEN...

1. You can order the entire McDonald's menu in Chinese.
2. You decide it makes more sense to drive a motorcycle instead of a car.
3. More than one garment has been ruined by betel-nut spit.
4. Someone doesn't stare at you & you wonder why.
5. You look both ways before crossing the sidewalk.
6. Hsiaohsing Wine tastes good.
7. You turn left from the right lane.
8. 70*F feels cold.
9. You see three people on a motorcycle & figure there's room for two more.
10. "Squid" sounds better than "steak".
11. You don't notice the smell.
12. There are more things strapped to your motorcycle than you can put in a car.
13. Looking at a dog makes you hungry.
14. You stop conjugating verbs.
15. You drive on the shoulder to pass traffic.
16. The main reason you stop at a 7-11 is to buy tea eggs.
17. You expect a Chinese New Year's bonus.
18. Firecrackers don't wake you up.
19. You spend two hours & US$75 to go get potato skins & buffalo wings.
20. You can distinguish Taiwanese from Hakka.
21. Your family stops asking you when you'll be coming back.
22. Taxi drivers are considered "good drivers".
23. You withdraw your money from the bank during Chinese missile tests.
24. Beer really isn't so expensive.
25. You stop & look both ways before driving through a red light.
26. "A", "an" & "the" aren't necessary parts of speech.
27. You know when the next "big bai-bai" is.
28. Smoking is one of the dinner courses.
29. You don't mind when your date picks her/his nose in public.
30. You wear out your horn before your brakes.
31. The police call you to get information about other foreigners.
32. You know which place has the best noodles & duck meat at 3:00 a.m.
33. 1. You (male) wear white socks with suits & black socks with tennis shorts.
    2. You (female) wear socks with pantyhose in summer.
34. People who knew you when you first arrived don't recognize you.
35. You speak Chinese to your foreign friends.
36. You own a karaoke machine.
37. None of your shoes have laces.
38. Chinese stop you on the street to ask for directions.
39. You leave the plastic on new furniture.
40. Forks feel strange.
41. You can spot the differences between the China News & the China Post.
42. The shortest distance between two points involves going through an alley.
43. You wear blue rubber flip-flops at work.
44. People don't see you for months, & when they do, don't ask you where you've been.
45. Your deodorant stick has cobwebs on it.
46. You check that the karaoke machine is working before boarding a wild chicken bus.
47. Chinese remakes of Western songs sound better than the originals.
48. You stare at other foreigners.
49. Over half of your clothes were bought at night markets.
50. You become an expert on bug zappers: the best brands & where to get them.
51. The majority of foreigners who have been in Taiwan longer than you are buried here.
52. You find yourself saying, "Oh geez, not ANOTHER Year of the Rat."
53. You know which turn signal should be on when driving the wrong way down a one-way street.
54. You get homesick for Chinese food while away from Taiwan.
55. Praying at a temple for a winning lottery number becomes a regular thing to do.
56. It becomes a tradition that at least a part of Christmas dinner is stir-fried.
57. Other foreigners give you a funny look when you tell them how long you've been here.
58. You can't think of any good reason to leave.
59. The Statute of Limitations has expired & you still don't go home.
60. You understand that smiling & nodding is Chinese body language for "Stop speaking bad Mandarin & leave me alone."
61. Passing a construction site, you realize metal scaffolding is much more dangerous than bamboo.
62. You've spent more time on the island since 1990 than any of the Taiwanese you know.
63. The last few vacations you've had have been around Taiwan on company outings.
64. You've used up more than one phone card on local calls.
65. Locals are surprised to find out you can't vote in the upcoming election.
66. Your pets are bilingual.
67. Pizza just doesn't taste right unless there's corn on it.
68. Your preferred parking spot is on a sidewalk (and you get upset when someone else parks there).
69. Most meaningful conversations take place in doorways or on slow-moving motorcycles.
70. You prefer squat toilets over western ones.

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in & --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool & onto the floor.

The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool & starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN & says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this.

He gets up, brushes himself off & quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot & *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender & says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

You Know You Are Asian If....

YOU KNOW YOU ARE JAPANESE IF...

1. You're obsessed with your hair, your car, and your clothes.
2. You want to marry a Korean American or Chinese American woman (males); or you want to marry a white guy (females).
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE KOREAN IF...

1. You smoke and drink too much.
2. You're actually sorry that Margaret Cho's sitcom was canceled.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE CHINESE IF...

1. You think you're the smartest people in the world.
2. You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all times.
3. Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE VIETNAMESE IF...

1. You've gotta have fish sauce with every meal.
2. You eat at a restaurant that has "Pho."
3. You have some relative who is Chinese.
4. You're afraid of black people.
5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FILIPINO IF...

1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you have day job as a nurse, a security guard, an engineer, or an accountant.
2. A member of your family back home is a politician or a movie star.
3. You're not afraid of black people; in fact, you wish you were black.
4. You don't care if you are superior to all other asians or not, because being Filipino is just cool in itself.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE THAI IF...

1. People want to pay you for sex.
2. No matter what you eat, it's not greasy or spicy enough.
3. You're not afraid of black people, because in some cases you're just as dark as they are.
4. You know in your heart that you will never be superior to all other Asians, but you've learned to live with it.

UNCANONICAL LIST OF CONFUCIUSISMS v 3.0

Confucius say...
The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows.

Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say...
He who stand on toilet high on pot.

Confucius say...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say...
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say...
It not sanitary when woman cook carrots & peas [pees] in same pot.

Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.

Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say...
Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honourable discharge.

Confucius say...
Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

Confucius say...
He who live in Glass house, dress in basement!

Confucius say...
Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

Confucius say...
Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.

Confucius say...
Man who snort coke get bubbles up nose. (*groan*)

Confucius say...
Man with big mouth beware of foot.

Confucius say...
Man who fart in church, sit in own pew.

Confucius say...
Man who fly upside down have crack up.

Confucius say...
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucius say...
Man who make love on side of hill not on level.

Confucius say...
Shallow woman like man with short temper.

Confucius say...
Man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic.

Confucius say...
House without bathroom is uncanny.

Confucius say...
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Confucius say...
He who eat many prunes sit on can for many moons.

Confucius say...
Man with bitchy wife wake up with itchy trigger-finger.

Confucius say...
Man who sits on stool smells like shit.

Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say...
He who throw dirt is losing ground

Confucius say...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Confucius say...
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Modern chinese proverb: Confucius say too much!

HOW TO BE A "COOL" ASIAN

1. Be racist.
2. Dye your hair...reddish brown for best results (but then again, blonde turns out to be reddish-brown anyway).
3. You must drive an Acura Integra or Honda Civic (Stick shift for da fellows--It's a testosterone thang).
4. Never wear glasses out of class--only FOBS can do so (colored contacts are required).
5. Be racist.
6. Girls, wear dark lipstick (the browner the cooler--no matter if you end up looking like you stuffed your face in chololate).
7. To achieve the natural look, apply layers and layers of make-up on... if it starts to look unnatural (heaven forbid) just apply another layer.
8. Curl your eyelashes till they touch your eyelids.
9. Never be caught dead in a group of less than 10.
10. Be racist.
11. Only associate w/fellow yellows.
12. When you want to speak about a Non-Asian in front of their face, speak your own language very loudly and rudely.
13. Interpret every little thing as a racial issue.
14. Never be on time when meeting friends.
15. Be racist.
16. Dogg on Inter-Racial couples.
17. A pager is a life necessity. (Or a cell phone.. or both).
18. Only wear clothes in the exciting shades of black and white (Occasionally cream, brown, gray allowed).
19. Girls must stare at each other more than guys stare at them.
20. Be racist.
21. Always dress like you're going to a party... even when your goin' to Walmart.
22. Hang out in coffee shops when there's nothin' to do.
23. Girls must be masters of Bust-a-move.
24. Guys must be masters of Killer Instince or Mortal Kombat III.
25. Be racist.
26. Make every event a social one-- church, school, funerals...!
27. Guys must wear their choice of: Eternity, Escape, Cool water.
28. Girls--Dress skimpy on a cold day so that a guy has to lend you his coat.
29. Guys are not allowed to leave the mall w/out at least one set of digits... that means phone numbers for you morons who didn't know.
30. Be racist.
31. Always change your pager greeting at least 3 times a day... sometimes add cheesy music for the full 30 seconds to piss the callers off.
32. Carry at least 1000 pictures around w/you wherever you go-- Pictures only of asians of course...
33. Take pictures everywhere you go... even in your own driveway.. Guys--always look ruff & all hardcore, lifting your chin up to the lens.. Girls-- fake smile, or no smile.
34. Guys-- never say "hi" verbally back to a girl.. either lift one eyebrow, nod your chin (very cocky), or wink (the most annoying one).
35. Be racist.
36. Fit 9 people in a car, when the limit is 5.
37. Wear a Jade necklace, even if you're not into buddha.
38. There must be a stringy, Oriental-looking ornament dangling from the mirror of your souped-up car.
39. Girls--be abnormally obsessed w/Sanrio (Kerokerokeroppi, Hello Kitty, Pochacco, Pekkle, etc...)
40. Be racist.

Top 10 Annoying Things About Being Asian

1. Piles of shoes in house make it difficult to open front, back, and sidedoors.
2. There are only three hairstyles to choose from.
3. Getting carded when you're 45.
4. People see a bunch of scribbles on chopsticks and ask you to translate.
5. Often get hernias from lifting those 45 pound bags of rice.
6. Everyone thinks you're Chinese no matter where in Asia your ancestors are from.
7. Difficult to find gallon size soy sauce at your local Safeway.
8. People never seem as eager to barter for cows or chickens anymore.
9. People never seem as eager to barter for cows or chickens anymore.
10. Your relatives bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks, and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange, and the ever popular lime green.
11. You turn bright red after drinking two sips of beer.

THE CLASSIC STEREOTYPICAL ASIAN GUY GROUP...

1. the asian gangster guy
2. the asian show off
3. the asian squatter
4. the asian basketball player
5. the asian white guy
6. the asian clubber

1. THE ASIAN GANGSTER GUY

   1. Usually seen at the local billiards hall, at the local video arcade, at the bowling alley, at the college recreation room (ditching class), and the at Karaoke bar.
   2. Usually wears ultimately insanely huge baggy pants, Nike visor (upside down), Nike warm-up jacket. Pager/beeper/cellular phone (it has to be exposed so everyone can see it!). Also, he wears to many designer clothes just for their labels (Hilfiger, Nautica, CK, Ralph Lauren, and JNCO). Wears accessories: earrings and a ho.
   3. A great Street Fighter and Tekken player.
   4. No matter who's around (parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers) he always has to act hard and tough. Gives that bad impression to everyone!
   5. Very good at the art of the home-invasion robbery.
   6. Has extremely extra long bangs covering his eyes.
   7. Always tries to look hard, but in actually he looks asleep.
   8. An avid smoker, always holds his cigarette between his index and middle finger.
   9. Doesn't know how to smoke only does for the tough image.
   10. Only fights if he has ten guys backing him up.
   11. Usually drives a slammed Honda Civic or Acura Integra or Mitsubishi Eclipse, which he tries to squeeze 10 people inside.
   12. Has stickers on every inch of their car.
   13. Drives fast too impress his friends or his chick. Of course, he is a racer... fixing up his car for "racing."
   14. Calls other asians "nigga" and is dying of the ebonic plague.
   15. Too much talk and not enough action!
   16. Girls hang with him because of his "big" reputation plus he's got other guys hanging around him. Guys hang with him because they think that he can protect him by bringing backup whenever anything happens and they want him to hook them up with pagers, phones, and girls.
   
   

2. THE ASIAN SHOW-OFF

   1. Usually seen at the local billiards hall, at the bowling alley, at the church youth groups, at the college recreation room (trying to pick up on girls!) and at the casino (trying to act like a high roller).
   2. Usually wears tucked-in dress shirt with loose-fit khakis. Holster for his cell phone.
   3. Always showing off his cell phone, constantly talks into it... sometimes fakes that he talking into it so he can impress the girls.
   4. Every one of these guys have circular glasses!
   5. Another avid smoker, like a chimney!
   6. Usually drives a Mazda RX-7 or a Toyota Supra.
   7. Thinks he can drive fast, but actually drives like an old Chinese woman, on a cellular phone.
   8. Always says that he's peaceful and he claims Asian pride, but he has gangster tendencies when there is a threat to his popularity or when a guy moves in on his girl.
   9. Tries to be a high roller... thinks he's an awesome gambler.
   10. Always wears designer clothes, never wears shorts... even if it's 100 degrees outside.
   11. Has too much Dragon Ball crap in his web-site.
   12. Girls hang with him so he can spend money on them or they just want to be seen in his car. Guys hang with him because they also want him to spend money on them and they want to steal valuables in his house!
   
   

3. THE ASIAN SQUATTER

   1. Usually seen at the local billiards hall, at the bowling alley, at the college recreation room (playing billiards, of course), in the front of every asian restaurant (squatting, of course)
   2. Usually wears clothes that try to look baggy.... but never can quite get the look of the gangster. Then ends up wearing long shorts. Always wears slippers.
   3. Usually a new immigrant to the states (aka FOB).
   4. Always smokes while squatting.
   5. Always speaks native language while making fun of people who do not speak his language (i.e. Americans and Asian-Americans).
   6. The master of the home invasion robbery. Yet when he pulls a robbery, he always brags about it or shows off his fortune, which ends up getting him busted.
   7. A compulsive gambler, will gamble any game and gamble anything he owns.
   8. Cannot live without cheating... he is dishonest. Cheats at every test. When he cheats, everyone knows it and he brags about it.
   9. Always lying, saying B.S. stories about the fights he won, the money he won and the houses he robs, which usually gets him busted... again.
   10. Girls only talk to him when they want to cheat on a test otherwise they detest him. Guys hang with him because they want to hire him for a robbery or that he's crazy enough to do whatever they say!
   
   

4. THE ASIAN BASKETBALL PLAYER

   1. Usually seen at the local billiards hall, at the basketball court and at the gym.
   2. Usually wears Nike or Addidas shoes. Nike tank top and North Carolina basketball shorts. Also, Nike warm-ups with one pant leg up.
   3. Also known as the "baller."
   4. Has the most expensive Nike shoes on earth.
   5. Does too many headfakes and pumpfakes.
   6. His girlfriend is always watching him play, she is usually sitting on the bench or in the stands, staring at other guys.
   7. Always wears those Nike muscles shirts, you know the sleeveless ones... yet they're so skinny, they look so stupid in them.
   8. Of course he wears the Nike visor, upside-down though.
   9. Tries to hustle other basketball players, but ends up losing all his money. because he can't play for squat!
   10. Tries to ball, but ends up fouling everyone and bitching about feeling fouled.
   11. Girls can care less about him. Guys use him for hook-ups for shoes and clothes.
   
   

5. THE ASIAN WHITE GUY

   1. Usually seen at a bar with his white guy buddies, drinking copious amounts of beer and listening to hard rock.
   2. Usually wears plaid shirts, concert T-shirt (NIN or Van Halen, usually), non-baggy jeans, and construction boots.
   3. Usually drinks to much, to cope with his "problems."
   4. Makes way too big a deal about his ethnicity (calls himself "chink" all the time).
   5. Lusts after blonde chicks who wouldn't give him the time of day.
   6. Always complains about Asian white girls who go out with white guys (SOS - Sell Out Sisters) and stares daggers at 'em.
   7. Glares at Fobbie types because they "ruin his image."
   8. Purposely does badly in school to dispel the stereotype.
   9. Gets drunk on the fumes of Vodka, Everclear or Wild Turkey.
   10. Usually vomitting around last call because of the lack of digestive enzymes.
   11. Girls are intimidated by his bitterness. Guys only hang out with him because he gets drunk and buys people extra rounds.
   
   

6. THE CLUBBER

   1. Usually seen at the local billiards hall, bars, and dance clubs.
   2. Usually wears tight hard-body shirts made of shiny polyester which can be seen at night from a hundred miles away. Won't wear anything bigger than a medium (prevents others from seeing his physique). Pants are a bit baggy.
   3. Spends all his money at shops like Gadzooks or Merry Go Round, or any place that sells "club wear."
   4. Spend all his time working out at the gym.
   5. Goes to clubs Thursday night through Saturday.
   6. Has no girlfriend per se, but has many female friends.
   7. Not a trouble-maker, but always looks for action at the clubs.
   8. Drives a tricked-out car, but prefers a domestic just to be different.
   9. Five minutes after entering the club, mysteriously always end up in the middle of a circle and all other dancing around comes to a screeching halt.
   10. Gets along with everyone, has no attributes for others to dislike him, this way no one will kick his ass and mess up his pretty boy face.
   11. Girls hang out with him because he can bench at least 225 and has 16-inch arms. Guys hang out with him hoping that they can get hooked up with the girls that follow him around.
   
   

THE CLASSIC STEREOTYPICAL ASIAN GIRL GROUP

1. the gangster asian girl
2. the over-dressed asian girl
3. the asian schoolgirl
4. the asian, white-girl

1. THE GANGSTER ASIAN GIRL

   1. Usually seen at the mall and at the poolhall, usually giving dirty looks at other asian girls. Inside a crowded Civic with other gangster girls and anywhere the gangster asian is.
   2. Usually wearing tight shirts, spaghetti strap blouses, or baggy jeans.
   3. Loves to wear black lipstick and 10-inch heels.
   4. When wearing baggy blue jeans, she will wear a Nike warm-up jacket.
   5. Another Pochaco, Keroppi, Sanrio nut.
   6. Of course, she has dyed-blond hair and REALLY black roots!
   7. Believes she's a Sailor-Scout of Sailor Moon.
   8. A tenth degree black-belt in the art of backstab.
   9. Talks big, but no action.
   10. Is extremely good at talking behind backs, only will talk shit about you when you're beyond a 20-mile radius.
   11. Has a protruding mouth, like a monkey.
   12. Whenever she wants to look attractive and goes over the edge by wearing skirts up to her stomach.
   13. Girls hang with her because she will fight for them. Guys hang with her because they want to get her in bed and she'll fight for them.
   
   

2. THE OVER-DRESSED ASIAN GIRL

   1. Usually seen at the mall, at the poolhall , at the casino (not gambling but sitting next to boyfriend, staring at his money and his chips), at the youth group meetings (usually the leader), at the Karaoke bar and inside boyfriend's expensive car.
   2. Usually wears tight skirts, bellbottom pants (the ones in which they cannot see their feet), high heels or 10-inch platforms (which they have no idea how to walk on, they always look off-balance while walking).
   3. She must wear her skanky outfits everywhere they go.
   4. You can hear the cloggin' of her platform heels from a mile away.
   5. Always showing off her cell phone... always pretending she's talking to her rich boyfriend!
   6. Of course, she has dyed-blond hair.
   7. Another Pochaco, Keroppi, Sanrio freak.
   8. Another tenth-degree black belt in the art of backstab.
   9. Plucks her eyebrows, and her eyebrows are just one line!
   10. She is the ultimate snob... mastered the art of walking with her nose up.
   11. Believes she is "all that..." and enjoys ignoring other guys.
   12. Never smiles, because she has ugly-ass teeth. What a grill!!
   13. Has a new pair of shoes every week.
   14. Girls hang with her because she makes them look good and they like to borrow clothes from her. Guys hang with because they want to get her in bed and use her as their car accessory.
   
   

3. THE ASIAN SCHOOLGIRL

   1. Usually seen in the study hall or under house-arrest by her parents.
   2. Usually wears thick eye-glasses, long sundresses, pennyloafers, or sandals.
   3. Are completely male-phobic.
   4. Sometimes shy, but really anti-social.
   5. Another Sanrio, Keroppi, Pochaco nut... but she talks to her dolls because she has no social life.
   6. When approached by a male, she always says, "I con't tok to youu rite naow!"
   7. Has no social skills whatsoever.
   8. Is the master cheat sheet on all tests.
   9. Talks too loud in her native language.
   10. Girls hang with her so they can cheat off her for tests and she has a nice car. Guys hang with because they also like to cheat off her on tests and they think they can get a date with her.
   
   

4. THE ASIAN WHITE GIRL

   1. Usually seen at the beach playing volleyball, with her non-asian friends at Disneyland, or in her white boyfriend's BMW.
   2. Usually wears volleyball shorts, Mickey Mouse, college or sorority sweatshirt.
   3. Does not know one word of her native language.
   4. Always lies that she's half asian or a mut... always says she part Irish or German.
   5. Has infused into her mind that she is not asian or just part-asian.
   6. Does not want anything to do with anything asian (guys, girls, customs).
   7. She must date a white person, no matter their background.
   8. Loves the fact that she is different and loves to show off about it.
   9. Girls hate her because she does not like hanging with them.
   10. Guys think they can get a date from, but they learn soon to stay away from her.
   
   

IN ASIAN GROUP PICTURES THERE IS USUALLY...

1. One guy (the baller), is squatting in a semi-gangster pose... looking hard.
2. One girl has to have some Keroppi apparel on.
3. There are at least three girls in the same pose, like they're models!
4. One guy (the gangster)... is in some old-school cholo pose... with his hands throwing signs like a damn contortionist.
5. One girl has those little backpack-purses on.
6. One girl should at least have a college sweatshirt on.
7. There are two guys, usually at the ends, in the same squatting positions as aforementioned. They seem to bring the picture symmetry. (Symmetry is when two opposing sides are identical... you won't find that in a V-Tec manual!)
8. Two girls are embracing each other... but after the picture, they'll start talking shit about one another!
9. There is a spiral staircase somewhere! (Also true for family pictures!)
10. Someone is holding those kali fighting sticks.
11. Someone (usually a guy) is currently posing for the picture holding and talking into a cellular phone.
12. Someone is checking their pager.
13. The gangster guy is wearing a huge sports-team parka... off the shoulders like 1987 gangsters. Oh yeah, he's wearing the jacket in the middle of a hot day in August!
14. A girl's white boyfriend is in the picture... but he is no pose, he is completely looking like a stiff dork, he looks more like Forrest Gump or a deer in front of headlights.
15. The fat guy's car or van is in the picture.
16. The picture takes place at either at the church parking lot, in the parking lot of a club, the spiral staircase, at the park, or with Drunk Uncle Vic's!
17. Someone has to have on Tommy Hilfiger, Nautica, or Ralph Lauren attire.
18. Someone is wearing a visor.

Americanized

Bu, called himself "Buck."
Chu called himself "Chuck."
Fu decided to return to China.

Top 10 Advantages of Being Asian American

• 1. You can pretend you don't speak English when you're around stupid people.
• 2. Everyone asks your advice on computers, cameras, carryout, VCRs, Toyotas and Karate.
• 3. You look enough like Bruce Lee that when you get in a fight, all you have to do is squint your eyes and howl to scare people.
• 4. There are a lot more opportunities for casting in war movies.
• 5. No one expects you to drive well.
• 6. People mistake you for a laundromat owner and bring you a lot of neat clothes.
• 7. You can be from Ohio and still be considered "exotic"
• 8. If you ever commit a crime, you can get good laughs when your description is passed around (black hair, brown eyes, glasses).
• 9. You get people coming up to you all the time saying neat things in languages you don't speak.
• 10. During times of way, you get free outdoor housing at a local housetrack.

The Chinese Detective

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

Chinese Lesson

How do Chinese people get their names?

A Russian wanders up and says, "I can load gold faster than any man alive." The owner can't believe his good fortune and hires this man too.

A China man walks up and asks for a job, the owner is so elated about hiring the other two men he says, "Well, if these other 2 men work as good as they say I won't need any more help but I'll put you in charge of supplies."

The next day the owner goes and checks on his new workers, and sure enough the German is picking gold at an unbelievable rate......The Russian is loading it as fast as the other workers can haul it out. He looks around and can't find the Chinaman anywhere.

He begins to walk around the mine to find him and just as he rounds a dark corner the Chinaman jumps out from behind a rock and yells, "SUPPLIES"

Chinese Cuisine

On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she's a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says "Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sex, but I've read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69.

The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says "You want.. the beef and broccoli?"

Sam Ting

Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt.

"How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.

The Oriental explained in very broken English that when he landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind a German. When asked his name, the German replied, "Hans Schmidt."

When the immigration official asked the Oriental his name, he replied, "SAM TING."