"Hey. You. C'mere. Yes... I've heard you're looking for some answers... I can give you them... for a price.. I'm in it all..."
Suddenly, the hood over this man's face blows off, and a sudden bolt of lightning shows you that it is the infamous Cancer-Man from the Y-Files!
"So you know who I am. But do you truly... for as I said.. I know it all.. I've seen it all. But have you? I can tell you... everything I know... for a price. Here.. get me this item."
He hands you a small piece of paper, you look at it, then look up at his face, as he gives you one of his infamous, smoky grins. Begrudgingly, you trudge off into the rain, repeatedly saying to yourself, "This is for truth.. the people have a RIGHT to know..."
An hour later, you come back to the small alley, and he's still standing there. Looking up at you through the smoke, he asks, "Did you get it?". Handing it over, he grins, looks at its contents, and looks up at you again.
CANCER MAN IS AN OX!!!!
"There's no stopping us, Murder. Not even you and the infamous Scummy. The date has been set. You can't stop it. The oxen are coming. Heh heh heh heh heh.. thanks for the M&Ms."
"1000 blue M&Ms. Very good, Fox Murder."
As you watch, he takes off his face mask, and you learn the horrible, horrible truth...
Yes, there's no mistaking it... his horns, that snout.. the fur... my God, you've been chasing after a furry quadraped for all this time! Then he starts to speak.
Standing flabbergasted, you watch helplessly as he walks off into the night in the rain, and realize there's nothing you can do. You hear him off in the distance.. parting words :
The truth is fuzzy. DAY TWO
Sitting in your office remarking upon the truth while trying to get the alien RIGHT between the eyes with the dart board, you hear your partner bust in the door. "Murder, we've got another one." "Another what, Scummy?" "Another damn IRS collector."
Packing your alien laser pistol you suddenly found in the mail one day into your pants, you rush downstairs and vaporize the annoying looking man with glasses on. Stooping to look at the remains, you say, "Ooops. Sorry Skinny." Skinny is-WAS your boss. Oooops!
Marching through the door comes a huge man with a diminutive brain size. He lumbers to you and yells how you're back on your taxes. Blasting him to bits, you remark on how you hadn't paid in the last five years. "Must be aliens. Let's roll." In Milwaukee, a lion trainer is eaten by a seal.
As you drive to the same stupid woods that you go to every week and find a dead body in, you see it's been quarantined by the government. Forgetting that you are a government official, you slip on black clothing and sneak in. "The truth", you think, "must be known."
Slithering on the ground past the laser fences and the guy choking to death in a cloud of bees, you come across an area that glows. But because the Ouija board says otherwise, you go the other way. Good choice! You might've found the truth the other way.
Finally you come into a clearing, still slithering because you like the feel of the ground against your stomach. Finally you get to the glow after circling the globe : It's a traditional flying saucer...... with HORNS. You stand straight up, and use flash photography to take pictures of it and the strange guys in metal suits hosing it down with koolaid. As you start screaming to them to ask what model spaceship it is, you're hit by a meteorite and knocked out.
You wake up in a bed, with a man in the next room. You look around and realize that you must've been crazy when struck by that asteroid from hell, joined AmWay, and become gay. Jumping out of bed, you vaporize the stupid man and grab all your stuff, remarking on the spaceship blueprint wallpaper.
Coming into the office and stepping over the ashes of Lieutenant Skinny, you come into your office to the unmistakable stench.... of ox manure.
They were here. You know it. It took you three hours of shoveling through ox manure before you realized that there was a sticky note on your desk. It said, "We were here".
And so they were. They had come quickly, silently, and very professionally, you could see.. destroyed all your personal belongings in a way that nobody could trace, that nobody would suspect - burying it in ox manure. Nobody would believe that oxen are evil.. they're big, furry, lovable quadrapeds! Nobody would think it odd were somebody to bring in cattle to defecate in your office! Oxen are benevolent, and the world's friend! But you know better.
So taking it on hint.. you go investigating oxen.. which brings you to the same damned forest again.. with a lake, this time. Oxen population had been quickly declining around here.. you knew.. that there was something up here.
So you ran to the crazy fisherman's store... and sure enough.. a crazy fisherman came in to greet you.. telling you of a great sea beast which hungered for ox flesh.. but recently had become more banal, and started devouring humans. You knew.. what you had to do.
You rowed out into the middle of the lake at midnight and set your boat on fire. And there she was, Agent Scummy. For some reason.. she had been following you.. she was on the island too.
So you pulled out your gun and yelled at her.. she reminded you that she was your partner... after the bullet had gone clear through her skin and she had metamorphosized back into an alien to heal herself.
Putting your handgun into your pocket, you realize that your dog was stuffed in there too. Throwing it out, it's eaten by an alligator, which you promptly shoot to death.. and see... that it's right next to an ox grazing ground. And there are no oxen in the grazing ground.. just burn marks and a sticky note saying 'The government abducted us to make us intelligent so that oxen can rule the world'. This mystery just gives you less clues everywhere you turn.. turning to see a very large porpoise coming out of the lake, you don't even realize the unmistakable smell of oxen... until it's too late.
Inside the ship.. you see a ox smoking a cigarette in the cage next to you. A portal opens above you.. no.. it can't be... it is.. it's... a little boxing nun puppet.
TO BE CONTINUED!